feedback

as a culminating paper for a class this semester, i had to write as many words as i wanted on the program, courses, and internship component.

and now, for your reading pleasure, i present to you:

a review of the last 8 months of my life just shy of 4,000 words.

note: names have been changed.

This feedback paper reviews each semester followed by comments on how the semester should have been structured from my perspective and where the program needs to improve. The internship placement is reviewed and how the course material can be applied to the internship and future endeavours in the sustainability industry. The paper concludes how the internship placement should be carried out next year to set the Green Business Management program apart from other environmental and sustainability post-graduate programs.

Semester One

In the first semester, the program requires students to take five courses: an introduction to sustainability, development theory, eco-productivity, corporate social responsibility, and green marketing. I began the program with optimism for interesting course material, great teaching styles, and a working internship placement.

GBM702: Sustainable Development: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Dr. Naveed taught this course. The format of the course was no different than any other; two “debates”, a midterm, and a case study presentation. We had readings most weeks that rarely anyone completed – and we were honest about not reading them. I graduated with an Honours Bachelor of Arts degree in Tourism and Environment which focused on sustainability for four years and also graduated from a Graduate Certificate in Project Management – Environmental. I was well immersed in the sustainability concept but was still required to take the course.

I expected that admissions would accurately judge the backgrounds of the students entering into the program and place them into the courses which made sense, rather than placing those with an environmental education into an introductory course. I couldn’t understand the logic behind this, especially when the professor teaching openly admitted to not having much of a background in sustainability. However, it was too late into the semester when I was told that I likely could have been exempt from the course for “advanced standing.”

Many of us purchased two expensive textbooks for the course. One textbook was used for the assignments and the other textbook was used one time for a reading then tossed aside. Dr. Naveed was adamant that we would use the textbook again, but we never did. A positive to the course was a guest speaker from the Marketing department at Steam Whistle Brewing who explained the organization’s sustainability initiatives that help to reduce costs and waste. A skill I can take away from this course and apply to the internship at The Globe and Mail is public speaking through the debates and case study presentations.

GBM701: Development Theory and Sustainability Models

Jim ran this course exceptionally well. Although there was very little “teaching” involved, Jim offered a format for the course and feedback when needed. We had summaries of learning material due every week that allowed for reflection on a different level, from both what Jim had taught or through the guest speaker’s material. The majority of the course was structured through self-learning around broad topics that let the students decide the direction of the topic, whether in teams or individually.  The course was split into two sections – a group paper and presentation and an individual paper and presentation.

Jim’s vast network of industry leaders was helpful in the learning process and in the internship search for a few of us who were in need of a placement. We were able to see real people in the sustainability industry making change happen, as well as job positions and openings in these organizations. Although I am unsure if Jim taught other post-graduate classes previously, his initial 8,000 word individual paper as a final project for the course during exam week was not the best idea. Many of us struggled with the grading of the course, even when the paper was reduced to 5,000 words. Several classmates expressed that they had never written a paper of that length and with the amount of workload from the remaining courses during that time period, 5,000 words was a definite setback.

The addition of Bob Willard to guest lecture an entire class was a nice treat and I have been using his theories as the basis for many of my projects throughout the year, both in The New Sustainability Advantage and The Sustainability Champion’s Guidebook. Again, despite Jim’s best efforts, the take away from this course relevant to The Globe and Mail is enhancing public speaking skills and the ability to network with industry professionals. The research involved with the two papers is indirectly applicable to The Globe and Mail but could be utilized on the Green Team for research on waste and recycling initiatives. “Development Theories & Sustainability Models” is a course name that needs to be modified. Since the course was self-directed, Jim taught a very limited amount of theories and models – such as systems and structures governing – but made attempts to reiterate these concepts at every chance.

GBM701 Eco-productivity in the Workplace I

This was the pre-requisite of two courses taught by Brett, one in the first semester and one in the second semester. Brett discussed the concepts of the 7 green wastes and demonstrated how to give sustainability a monetary value in order to receive attention from organizations and CEOs. I found this course to be the most valuable to me, as previously I had never viewed sustainability theory in a business sense for reducing costs and maximizing profits. This course would have been more valuable if my internship components didn’t fall through and I was able to use information from the organizations for the assignments, rather than Brett’s assigned case studies.

Brett’s classes were an open dialogue of ideas and discussion. His assignments placed value on effectiveness in time management, reporting, researching, presentation skills, and PowerPoint presentations. The midterm and final assignments in the course could be directly applied to The Globe and Mail’s operations in their current state of green waste and the future state to demonstrate solutions of where the organization could reduce costs to increase profit using sustainability initiatives.

GBM704: Corporate Social Responsibility and Business Ethics

Bob's course on Corporate Social Responsibility was an interesting concept with the end goal of the course to complete a CSR report for your partner company. This would have been a great opportunity and project to undertake if each student in the program had a working internship by the time the final project was completed. Unfortunately, this didn’t happen and several students, including myself, were forced to complete a case study CSR report or team up with other students with their partner company. This course would have been more effective if there were deadlines for each section of the CSR report, rather than the finished report amounting to 80% of the final grade in the course.

Bob stated that there isn’t one company in the world that is ISO26000 compliant and that made me wonder why the course is being offered in the Green Business Management program if no organization is interested in using ISO26000 certified CSR reports. I’m sure that this course will be an addition to my resume – to say that I can complete an ISO26000 certified CSR report, if necessary. However, since I did not have my internship set up by the end of the course, I was unable to use data related to The Globe and Mail. The information in the CSR report is something The Globe and Mail could have used for their organization’s current state. We are also still waiting on the grades from this course to ensure we can graduate from the program. Spending an entire semester on a course where the final project is worth 80% of the grade and not knowing whether you have passed the course can lead to a few anxious students hoping to graduate in April 2013.

GBM802: Green Marketing and Consumerism

Margaret was the professor of this course. GBM802 had a good concept and a solid textbook which made up for lectures that were a bit vague at times. The course was to use internships to overlap projects and assignments, making an attempt to gain more experience and real-world application with the courses and internship placements. The first paper was based entirely on the internship company for the year. The remaining assignments were meant to do the same, except when internships fell through and I, once again, was required to partner up with a colleague to complete the projects.

This course covered a variety of topics in marketing and business that could be useful for The Globe and Mail or other organizations who desire a sustainable marketing plan – which I can now complete for them. I found the course to be interesting but when classes are back to back in a two and a half to three hour span (nearly totalling six hours of straight class), minds tend to wander and the focus is no longer present. This course will be a stepping stone to help me begin an entry-level career in sustainable marketing activities if I’d like to go into that job direction.

Conclusion of Semester One

The underlying notion of the Green Business Management program emphasized a working internship where students could gain real world experience in the sustainability industry at various partner companies. When internships fail due to administrative errors or communication breakdowns, students are at a loss at what to do and continue the program missing out on opportunities in applying internship data to projects and assignments.

If the program coordinator is to place students at companies accordingly, the program coordinator should ensure that those company supervisors are aware of every detail of the internship, including the schedule (one day a week), the student’s workload in other courses, the student’s knowledge of sustainability, the student’s prior work and education experience, and what the student is to gain from interning at the company. The internship company should also let the program coordinator and student know exactly what the projects will be to complete, specific timeframes for completion of projects, and demonstrate flexibility and empathy with the student, as the internship is a learning opportunity.

Each professor in the first semester had a different way of teaching; some taught from textbooks, some taught very little, some had specific formats and page lengths for assignments, and some had minimal project specifics. Each professor also had a different policy for submitting assignments in hard-copy or soft-copy format. In a sustainability program, one would assume that nearly every assignment submission would be via email or Blackboard. Unfortunately, this did not happen as much as I would have liked.

What each of the professors had in common was the end of semester workload, which sent most students into a sleep deprived state for about two weeks. Seeing as how Green Business Management is a part of the Faculty of Business at Seneca College, one would assume that professors have a better understanding of time management. This would not the case. A balanced workload throughout the semester for each course would have been extremely beneficial for both students and professors.

Relating to time management is the horrible scheduling of first semester. Seneca College is a commuter school and students in the program commute many hours in order to get to class. This was extremely tough at times for those who lived far away from campus and had to deal with traffic and bad weather to arrive on time for an 8am class, and only one class for that day. I would have preferred a schedule with several classes in a day (just not back-to-back scheduling) to maximize the time at which I am commuting and on campus. Several classes in a day forces students to get to know each other outside of a classroom setting which allows the program to bond, growing as a group together. I felt GBM did not develop to its full potential until late in the semester due to these scheduling conflicts.

The program should have scheduled a feedback focus group in the first semester. This way, key professors and colleagues would be aware of the program’s faults and where they cold improve for the second semester. This would also give students a chance to speak their minds critically about the program as a whole and offer solutions to challenges faced throughout the first semester.

Semester Two

In the second semester, I was enrolled in the second eco-productivity course, sustainable leadership, ecopreneurship, and sustainable business plan. I was exempt for “advanced standing” in Margaret’s second course, GBM703: Sustainable Management.

GBM800: Eco-productivity in the Workplace II

Brett’s second course has been, so far, structured about the same as his first course. It continues to place monetary value on sustainability and includes more calculations for a carbon footprint, part of one of the projects I’m working on at The Globe and Mail. Finally, I’m able to use information from my partner company in the assignments for the second semester, upon starting at The Globe and Mail in January 2013. The Globe and Mail can benefit from these projects to reduce waste and improve profits.

Brett incorporated a few guest speakers this semester, including Bob Willard and employees from the Ministry of Environment. Originally, there was a discussion earlier on in the semester about a “field trip” to Evergreen Brickworks. However, I think due to inclement weather, holidays, course material, and scheduling conflicts, the field trip is not happening. This is unfortunate as I think hands-on learning and out-of-the-classroom learning is a great way to gain experience in the sustainability industry. Brett also talked about writing the GHG emissions exam to become GHG certified – something that would set the program apart from other environmental and sustainability post-graduate programs. I don’t think that went ahead either. I think the certification is a great idea and hope that it can be part of the curriculum for next year’s students.

GBM801: Sustainable Leadership

This course was the best course of the entire program, taught by Michael. The open dialogue and discussion format of the course worked so well. The readings every week were interesting and relevant to the course material. I believe that self-awareness is critical to success and that Michael demonstrated this through his lectures and assignments.

The course gave the opportunity to connect our placement companies through every reading, assignment, and discussion – and by the second semester, each student had a working placement until April. Reflecting each week on my internship placement organization kept me grounded in the projects I’m working on at The Globe and Mail. Reviewing the employees and culture at The Globe and Mail and my experiences as an intern to the readings in the course was an excellent way to learn about leadership styles.

GBM803: Ecopreneurship

Peter openly announced to the program that he has very little background in sustainability, yet is teaching an entrepreneurship course that focuses on sustainability. The main project is a semester-long fake sustainable business from inception to implementation to pitch and beyond. I imagine this would be a better course suited to actual business or entrepreneurial students rather than Green Business Management. It is not in my plan to begin my own business even though the group project has both negative and positive aspects to it.

Submitting a business plan on the fake business meant that two business plans were to be submitted for two different courses with two different professors and each professor not wanting the same format or layout. The business plans were also submitted following each other in two weeks. This made it difficult to understand what parts were actually required in writing a business plan.

Following the 40+ page hard copy business plan was the implementation plan: a 100+ page hard copy document of every government, bank, and marketing form a business needs to start. This did not go over well with Green Business Management students. The final project is a marketing blog, virtual trade show, and “Dragon’s Den” type pitch to “investors.” I’m looking forward to the pitch as what I’ve learned from the entire program so far is that sustainability is all about selling yourself and what you plan to do for the organization so that they buy-in. I enjoy my fake business idea and hope that one of the investors will buy into it as much as I have throughout the semester. However, the only take away from this course is the pitch – since pitching ideas and proposals to The Globe and Mail is important for success and employee buy-in.

The name of the course “Ecopreneurship” needs to change. Whoever designed the courses and course names needs to understand that putting “eco,” “green,” or “sustainable” in front of a course name doesn’t make it a “sustainable” course. Call it what it is – entrepreneurship. Not every course name needs to reiterate sustainability if the program and underlying concepts of each of the courses are actually about sustainability.

Peter helped students with their cover letters and resumes. He brought a different perspective into the course by utilizing networking, social media, and technology. He offered insightful tips for job interviews, as well as new social media websites that are on the rise. I’ve never had a professor so technologically and social media oriented, so that was a nice change.

GBM804: Sustainability Business Plan  

As previously mentioned, this business plan was entirely different compared to Peter's business plan. Michael's version was to keep it short and simple – the shorter, the better. I think the idea of the course was to stress proposals to organizations for sustainability initiatives, but I doubt that if I were to contact The Globe and Mail and/or The Globe and Mail’s Green Team outside of being a student intern at the organization, a proposal presentation would not go over very well.

The course didn’t have much “teaching” and was possibly meant to be self-directed. Class time was never used appropriately. I believe the course has potential to be an excellent addition to the program curriculum if it is taught by a professor in the sustainability industry with a background in writing business plans. At least, this new professor may be able to offer a sustainable business plan template for the internship placements (even though there are too many to choose from). Again, this course suffers from awful course naming, as there was very little “sustainability” involved in the course. I like the idea of the capstone paper and I hope it offers insight into where the program needs to be improved in future years.

Conclusion of Semester Two

Semester two experienced many of the similar problems as Semester One. Class scheduling was still terrible. Commuting to campus for early 8am classes was now Tuesday to Friday and dealing with the winter weather did not help. Classes for me were once a day for almost three hours. This meant I was commuting two hours a day for three hours of class. Professors with little to no interest or background in sustainability were teaching courses in the program. Course names were misunderstood and confusing. Professors continued to want hard-copy and/or soft-copy versions of projects and assignments. Professors had terrible time management and piled on the workload once again in the last two weeks of the semester, rather than trying to balance the coursework over the semester. Many of these problems could have been avoided with a simple feedback session at the end of the first semester.

Most of what I’ve learned during both semesters can be applied to the job title I’m hoping to get in the future as a sustainability project manager. Brett’s courses will be extremely valuable to selling sustainability to organizations and Michael's leadership course will help me continue to develop as a great manager and leader in the long and short term. Working on business plans and carbon footprint reporting at The Globe and Mail will add to my resume list of tasks I can complete for any organization, as well as sustainable marketing plans, ISO26000 certified corporate social responsibility reports. Every course enhanced my presentation and public speaking skills which are valuable for my future endeavours in the sustainability industry.

Internship Placement

In the beginning of the program, I had an internship placement set up at Metrolinx. I was happy and excited to start at the placement with a partner classmate. Eventually, there was a communication breakdown between the Metrolinx supervisor, the program coordinator, my partner, and myself. What Metrolinx was asking for and what my program coordinator was asking for were always two different tasks. By the third discussion with Metrolinx and first on-site internship day, it was impossible to understand exactly what the organization wanted and how we were supposed to carry out what they wanted, since we were just beginning the program. My partner and I were overwhelmed with Metrolinx and decided to end the internship.

This sent the two of us scrambling for another internship and left to our own devices to find a suitable placement. After weeks of searching for a placement and continuing to come up empty handed, I was thrown into The Globe and Mail as a second intern. However, by this time it was nearing the end of the first semester and I didn’t actually start the placement until January 2013.

I believe that many of us in the program enrolled in the program to gain first hand, real world work experience as part of the internship. Several internship placements failed during the semester for one reason or another and left students without a working placement for weeks or an entire semester. Some internship companies were located extremely far away for students. These internships were picked by the program coordinator – students were unable to choose their placement unless the one chosen placement for that student had failed.

Since the internship placements play such a large role in the program, they should be set up and confirmed immediately within the first month of the program. The placements should be required to know exactly what it is they are getting into upon signing up with the program. Instead of spending one day a week at the placement, students should be able to spend two or three days a week on-site at the internship, with the rest of the time during the week devoted to class. One day a week at a large or small organization does not work well for productivity and students do not gain any insight into the company’s environment and culture.

All placements should be located within the TTC and GO Transit lines to be accessible for all students inside and outside of the Greater Toronto Area. This is especially important for students who do not drive and their only means of transportation is by public transit. Students should have the ability to choose their own placement and ensure that the placement is somewhere the student wants to intern. The companies should allow students to work on environmental and sustainability projects that relate to the program. The placements should also be flexible in providing data and information for course-related projects and assignments, if possible, to enhance the learning experience.

Alternatively, I believe the internship placement could be modified entirely. I would change the internship to be extended throughout the year. The internship could remain as one day a week at a placement, followed by a full-time summer (paid) employment at the company for 3-4 months. I think this is the best route and would set the program apart from all similar post-graduate programs at universities and colleges. This would also help many students secure entry-level positions directly after the program is completed.

pilot project

my education has been an ongoing series of pilot projects over the course of seven years.

i'm not kidding.

1) brock life 

i started university at 17. my interests after high school included english/writing, environment/sustainability, and general activism. no doubt, all of these things made me decide that going into hearing sciences made the mot sense (did you catch the sarcasm? good.) hearing sciences at brock was going to end with a BA in humanities. because a "science" program was humanities. what else does brock list as programs under the faculty of humanities? classics, english, philosophy, music, drama, history, liberal arts, visual arts, canadian studies... and so on. yep. still makes perfect sense.

hearing sciences required physics, biology, and chemistry. i took biology in summer school in high school. i'm awful with numbers. of course, i struggled. i excelled at my linguistics courses but failed both physics and biology. i didn't have to take chemistry until second year of the program, if i made it that far. i could change into speech and language sciences instead (it's similar but without the "science" component), but i didn't like that idea. i didn't even like what my supposed end result was going to be for hearing sciences. so, upon the end of my first year (being at least 2 courses behind), i changed my major to a program that had just started the same year i entered university: tourism and environment.

tourism and environment (TREN) was a social science. i heard about the program from a guy i met, drunk on residence one night. he only had good things to say about it. i had the ability to choose core courses and electives, of which i made an attempt to minor in writing, but the shortage of courses in writing made that nearly impossible. TREN really caught my eye. the professors stood out and the department was small. by my fourth year in university, i had grades high enough to embark on a study abroad program to new zealand with 8 other TREN folks. we got lucky that year, as the shortage of core courses for TREN and professors to teach them were the worst they had ever been so far in the program. i gained the allotted amount of courses needed for the year while in new zealand for 3 1/2 months (which didn't come cheap.. but was well worth it).

in my fifth and final year of TREN, i wrote a research project with 3 other TREN folks which received attention on all levels. not only did we end with one of the highest grades ever given in the research course, but the praise and encouragement from our department and professors was unreal. talks about publishing in journals were underway. the TREN department offered all graduating students to give feedback on where the program needed to improve for the future. if only they had done this in the beginning or halfway through so we could have changed everything we didn't like.

i decided i was going to apply to masters programs. my research project advisor (the one who gave us the grade) kept telling me he wouldn't write me a reference letter for my application to a masters because my "grades weren't good enough." well, fuck. so, i applied to a few post-graduates at colleges that had something to do with the environment. and in september 2011, i was toronto bound.

2) seneca, round 1 

i got into a post-graduate certificate program called project management - environmental (PME). it was only in it's second or third year when i started. i was stoked because it had an internship and the majority of my classmates didn't have any work experience, like me. but, if you've been keeping up with this blog at all, you'll know how much i struggled with such an unorganized program and terrible professors. i learned some stuff but i'm still unaware of how it will benefit me in the long run. this runs true when one of the people interviewing me last year was concerned that i was trying to steal his job, being that i had the education to be a "project manager." sigh. yes, i'm gonna take your job with no work experience. THEY TOOK YER JOB!

a classmate in PME told me about the program she was in last year, called green business management (GBM). it was also a post-graduate certificate. when i looked into it, it definitely had more of a sustainability and environment focus rather than PME - which seemed to focus on... service? civil? government? law? actually, i have no idea what PME was centred around. i think that kind of sums up the entire program, right there. confused. the department offered us a chance to give feedback on the program and where to improve. and oh, we gave it.

i applied to GBM and got in right away. i hoped that i wouldn't have to return to school in september 2012 and that i'd get some job for at least the summer of 2012. that didn't happen, so back to seneca i went.

3) seneca, round 2

i hoped things would be different. they weren't. i quickly realized that it wasn't exactly the department or faculty's fault for having terrible programs; it was seneca not actually caring about their graduate students. GBM was only in it's third or fourth year when i started. again, my classmates were in the program to gain real-world work experience through the internship. and fuck, we all know how that's turning out. i'll give you a hint: it's not well. it seems as though most days after class ends, my program gets together and bitches about all the things that went wrong and things that need to change in the short and long-term. there are five weeks left in the program, and most of my classmates still sit there with a confused look on their face, wondering what it is that these professors are trying to teach.

i'll admit that there are 2-3 professors that i highly enjoy and make their classes a wonderful learning environment. and yes, they are much better than the shit i had to deal with in PME. but there are still so many things that need to be improved. when i looked online at the newly improved PME program this year, there were a few course changes. but when talking to current PME students, it seems that most of them are still facing similar challenges as my year did.

7 years of post-secondary education. 3 different programs running as supposed pilot projects. i finish GBM in 5 weeks. i'm tired of school and i'm tired of offering feedback on how things would be better.

somebody hire me so i can get out of this school bubble and start the real world. 

yes/no

this isn't the first time i've struggled with the job search.

during the summer of the recession, i had a job arranged before the start of the summer. i was to work at marineland, before i was aware of any of the injustice of the place. had i known, i wouldn't have applied to work there. i spent a day "training" with your standard carnival folk; most missing a full set of teeth. i quickly realized this wasn't a place i wanted to be. so i called them out on it. i called them out on not hiring me for what i originally wanted to do. i called them out on extravagant uniform fees for a uniform that didn't fit me. i called them out on forcing me to stay the entire summer to get that uniform fee back, when they knew i wasn't going to be able to stay the entire summer due to prior commitments. and i called them out on the way they told me that i would be able to get transferred over to what i wanted to do at some point during the summer.

i did all of these things not to be a shit disturber, but to stand my own ground once i realized how terrible a place and employer marineland actually was. upon the end of training (which i was not paid for), i asked any of the supervisors if they even had a clue who i was. none of them were able to remember my name. i spent 9 hours with these people and caused more than one scene and they didn't have an idea who i was. i walked out of there just barely holding onto any dignity i had left.

i never looked back after that.

my move to toronto was a way for me to emerge into the expanding sustainability industry, since niagara seemed to lack all opportunities for growth and development in sustainability. i've completed an unpaid environmental internship with my program last year. i took on an unpaid internship for my first toronto summer to improve my skills that were underdeveloped and because i wasn't able to land something that paid. it's ongoing but has been at a bit of standstill since the end of the summer. i was never much of a believer in the dude running the internship as he had too many wild ideas that were not feasible for his target market. his vision was never clear to me. i think he only lasted through the summer with my help.

in january, i started my third internship in just over a year. yes, if you did your math correctly, i haven't worked in paid employment since august 2011. it's now nearly march of 2013. i rent an apartment in downtown toronto that is not cheap. OSAP gave me money for the school year, but it's running out fast with tuition and rent costs. i've always lived a pretty frugal lifestyle, but it's becoming a bit difficult. i've never had a "real" job. the majority of my working life has been seasonal, part-time, minimum wage jobs. the summer of 2007 and 2010 were the only summers where i had a full-time job; at $8.25 & $10.25 an hour, respectively. for 3 years, i worked somewhere in the 12-16 hours per week range with slightly above minimum wage pay. all that money i saved up is now gone -- tuition, rent, & expenses.

i bring all of this up because i had another interview for an unpaid internship this week. it's a start-up venture as a waste diversion not for profit organization. he's competing with the "big five" waste diversion companies who are for profit; whereas his client's donations would go to charity & expenses of the organization. i read this guy fairly well and he seems to have a passion for this type of thing, outside his lack of sustainability education. he's a businessman; and a successful one with several networks to make his business work. i could see that he and i were much the same, sharing similar passions and values for all things green and logical. he was a well grounded dude, and i really enjoyed that about him.

and as much as this would be a wonderful opportunity for me, i just can't take it because it doesn't pay. he would allow me to run things the way that i want; to educate, to edit, to write, to facilitate, and so on. he was more than eager to have me on his team as he knew how much i would be able to help his business. and i knew i could help him with ease. but he wasn't able to offer me something that pays, although he would like to do that. when i asked him about his timelines and goals for the business, he once again proved to have a solid understanding of where he wants to be, both as an individual and a business. but as a start-up venture, i can relate to the expenses of not being able to pay employees (hell; i've created the business plan for my own start-up venture and i can't afford to pay myself or my other investors on my team).

the bottom line? he knows what he's doing and i can see his business succeeding in the near future.

but right now, i need an organization that recognizes how i can benefit them and has the ability to pay me for my hard work and effort.

go go gadget... job?

the first time

in 2010, i started my first real relationship.

i define "real" as being completely legitimate. i was somebody's girlfriend and it lasted awhile. yes, before this, i had also been somebody's girlfriend on several occasions, but there was always something holding me back in those relationships. i never wanted to be with that person for a long time and that's how it went.

i've been thinking a lot about my first relationship lately and it's not because i'm lonely or not interested in anyone. it's true: i'm not interested in anyone. that's a first. for the better part of my life, i've been overrun with dude problems and always on the chase for something. it's a nice change. and no, i'm not lonely. i'm actually pretty far from it. school keeps me busy. my friends are lovely. i've taken some quality amber time and i'm about the happiest and most optimistic i've been in quite some time.

so why am i thinking about my past?

because i'm still trying to learn from my mistakes.

in a leadership course, i'm being taught how to be more self-aware and critical of my words and actions. i've always had a high sense of emotional intelligence but that has only recently stemmed from the solutions to my problems and learning from my past. i can replay almost every scenario in my head. i can count the number of times we went out as a couple on one hand; most of which were cut short as he feigned illness. i can count the number of times he hung out with my friends on one hand; where as i was always forced to hang out with his. i can remember that exact moment when i forgot to roll up the window in his parents' truck and it rained while we were inside and the look on his face when he saw the 'damage'. and i can remember thinking that he was going to hit me. but he didn't.

2010 was not the first time i had been with somebody who faced anger issues, whether they had actually informed me about it before or during the time i was with them. i never found it attractive, yet these dudes were always attracted to me. i rarely get overwhelmed by any kind of emotion unless it's positive. yes, i can be down. i can be sad and angry, and i am sometimes. i might speak negatively about a person or a situation but there's always a part of me that remains optimistic, despite how shitty things are. and i just can't deal with someone who can't deal with things when they get tough.

he never could. we faced a lot of challenges in the time we were together. but they were always alone. they were his challenges. he never let me help and eventually, i gave up ever wanting to try. he was never there when i needed him to be. when he got into a car accident with some expensive damages and nobody was hurt, he threatened to kill himself. he told me he was joking, later. but i knew he wasn't. it was at that point when i knew i had to end things. but, i didn't.

as time passed, i knew this wasn't someone i could be with. i knew from an early start when he told me that he hated toronto. if anything, that was probably my first dealbreaker. i had been domesticated and functioned as a homebody outside of school, work, and his friends that i really didn't care for much. i never spent a night at his parents' place. opposites attract but not for long.

being in a relationship overruled whatever little part of me there was left. and since then, i've approached every other possible candidate with caution. figuring out things before getting too deep into whatever it is we're doing. knowing that i have the ability to break things off as soon as i see something that doesn't fit what i want or need. and demonstrating that i can be a "we" but there's just going to have to be a lot more of "me" first.

so, not being interested in anyone has given me time to think. i've figured myself out. i know what i'm ready for, should the opportunity arise at any point. but it's going to take hell of a lot for a dude to get me interested and show me he's worth going after.

for now, i'm content.

as for him, i only wish him well in whatever the fuck he's doing with his life.

sometimes, i forget

hi!

contrary to popular belief, this blog (and i) still exist. i've just been busy. and lazy. mostly just lazy. whatever. here's what's up:

1. progressed onto second semester of year 2 grad school 
yes, i passed first semester with honours grades. i don't know how, but i'm pretty happy about that. in exam week, i had to write 4 papers. that sucked. but i managed to get through it. i could review the semester but i just don't see the point. the semester fucking sucked. it was terrible beyond words, except for 2 classes and 2 profs. making friends with my program classmates was exciting, though. i guess that's sort of why i didn't want to drop the program entirely since everybody ruled.  

second semester is a bit different and seems tougher. i'll figure it out, though. i always do. i have a dick for a prof who seems to be flip flopping back and forth between saying he's not an environmentalist and telling me that he is all about saving the world. i imagine this is only going to get worse for me in the next few weeks as i can't even take the dude seriously and just zone out for the majority of his class. he noticed me zoning out last week and called me out on it. but i snapped back to reality and answered his question. amber: 1, prof: 0 

i'm still hanging out at globe and mail. i actually started the first week back and i think i'll be writing a section of their sustainability report. or something along those lines. i'm not sure they know what they want. but i'm willing to compromise on something that fits. i'm there on mondays. i'm also working on an ecopreneurship business plan focusing on the outsourcing of recyclable toothbrushes in toronto. yeah, sustainability is pretty neat sometimes.

oh, and i also picked up this little number:

graduate certificate in project management - environmental

 and got my sustainability hero, bob willard, to sign his book:

2. holidays!
my holiday break was well needed. i spent some quality time at home for about ten days and hung out with the family and occasionally saw some friends. took a trip to 'merica and smuggled back some shock top raspberry wheat. my brother and i completed the halo 4 campaign. i ate turkey. y'know, usual holiday stuff.

i came back and saw lots of friends that i didn't see too much over the past 2 months since school was crazy busy. i threw a new years eve party and that was fun. corey puked. michelle puked. people got naked. i made out and looked after sick friends. maybe not in that order. y'know, again, usual party stuff. before i knew it, the break was over and i was back at school.

3. dudes/friends/jobs/whatever 
i'm not seeing anyone. it's a strange feeling but it's been this way since november. i actually sort of like it. i've spent a lot of time on myself the past few months and have been very self-reflective on my actions. it's something i probably should have done awhile back but never did. yeah, i'm interested in some dudes but they barely seem to be worth my time to go after, so i just don't.  i'm busy and recently got addicted to halo 4 online multiplayer. that's my new boyfriend -- schooling 9 year olds at halo 4.

friends are cool. i've reconnected with a few that were on their way out. lost a couple but i'm thankful for that. staying clear of dudes for awhile put my true friends in perspective and i was ready to accept that. purged everybody i didn't care about from my facebook and moved on. including, y'know, that dude from before and all his friends. i let go (although, i did a long time ago.. too) but he didn't. i hope he finally got the hint and will just stop trying to contact me.

jobs? fuck that. i guess i'll be restarting my job hunt very soon. i've been looking at openings and applied to a couple. my hopes are not up, though. i'll be re-vamping my resume and all that shit too. the dream is to land a job in 2013. go big or go home, right?

some day soon, i'm sure i'll have something pretty interesting to talk about that's not a general update on the fact that i've been MIA for almost 2 months.

oh, and i added master chief to my halo megablocks collection.

#internshipproblems

i never took the job from home depot.

i'm finding it difficult to have motivation to callback loblaws who have been after me for a couple of weeks now to set up an interview because i don't want a shitty, part-time job. and also, i just don't have the time for it.

since reading week ended, i've just been on the go nonstop. school is kicking my ass (but i'm still half-assing basically everything and rocking a 4.0 GPA. don't ask how; i have no idea).

i left my internship at metrolinx and realized i could never survive in an office environment with too many ridiculous, condescending people. i was overwhelmed and stressed out, which never happens. i just didn't know how to deal. i had no words. and i shouldn't have any words when i'm giving out free labour to a company that doesn't know what they want out of their free labour. asking questions got me no where and lead to aggressive responses that were completely uncalled for. not to mention, the issues with space for me being on site and the limited access to information for what i needed to do for them, eventually.

it just wasn't worth my time. and my coordinator didn't exactly make the issue any easier. i decided to use my own connections, networking, contacts, and cuteness (c'mon, you gotta give me that one) to talk to a bunch of companies and organizations that would appreciate an intern of my caliber. i got really far in a few companies who i'm still waiting to reply back (but, being around the beginning and middle of november, almost every internship placement won't start again until december or january). and i assumed that i would be without a placement until january. i was cool with that until i got a strange email.

i received an email from the globe and mail, one of our original program internship placements, saying that my coordinator had selected me as the second intern for their placement. i was thrown off by this because my coordinator hadn't said a word to me about this happening -- and then proceeded to let it slide until i approached her about it. and that pretty much settled it; i had to throw the majority of all the people i was talking to about becoming an intern at their organization under the bus. uhhh, thanks for playing, but my coordinator decided my fate without telling me and now i look like a fucking asshole and have ruined my name if i ever wanted to actually work for those companies.

god damnit.

so, now i'm an intern at the globe and mail, getting to work alongside a wonderful dude from my program. and i guess that's a plus. but there's just so much more i wanted out of this internship which is not even worth any course credit. it's just an addition to the program. i met with globe and mail this past friday and they're going to help me get set up. but, there's only 3 weeks left in the semester and i told them not to rush things. i'll just focus on my remaining schoolwork and start fresh in the new year. and then i'll be counting down the days until i'm finished and not returning to school in september.

2 terrible years of grad school are enough for me, i think.

between the click of the light

it's reading week!

already?

yeah, i definitely needed a break. i've been swamped for too long.

i meet my internship placement tomorrow at metrolinx. y'know, just presenting myself and what i'm going to do for them over the next 6 months in front of all of the executives and department leaders. not a big deal or anything! to be clear: i'm not nervous about failing at this, i know i'm going to be fine. i'm in an excited state of nervousness.

more good news! 

i failed to mention this in my last blog post, but sometime at the end of september or early october, i received an email from my undergrad thesis advisor. she told me that my thesis was accepted to be presented at a conference in may at ryerson, the international journal of arts & sciences’ (IJAS) international conference for academic disciplines! this was super exciting! i worked so hard on my thesis at brock that i'm pretty sure it's the greatest thing i've ever done with my life.

also, i was selected as a candidate for an upcoming huffington post canada article on commitment issues, not settling down, and not wanting to buy a home in the next few years. they're doing a spotlight on generation y kids versus generation x -- and i was selected from my comments on previous huffpost articles, twitter, and my blog. i guess people are starting to notice me via social media these days and it's paying off.

more sort of.. neutral news.

i haven't started at home depot for reasons that i can't understand. i've spent a couple days commuting to them to drop off information and fill in forms. last week when i dropped in to see them, they had invited me to an orientation session the next day but failed to inform me of this until as i was leaving. well, they can't expect me to just stop everything i'm doing and come in for them. i was scheduled to go to a conference that weekend (which, i didn't end up going to) but it was also my birthday party i had been planning for a month. i mean, i was mostly concerned with the conference happenings, but still.

so after the weekend, they call me back and ask me to come in on wednesday to fill in and sign more paperwork. i say yes and wednesday morning, they call me and tell me not to come in because the manager's unavailable or something. then, i think the next day or something i call them back to set up a new time and she says that she'll have to look into my availability and see if it still fits in with what's needed. uhh, what? i'm confused. so she said i would hear from them again on friday or monday. i guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

after all this running around and making it difficult for me with home depot being in the middle of nowhere from both school AND home, i'm leaning toward being okay if they tell me they aren't going to use me anymore. because i'm so swamped with school and now have a general idea what my internship is going to be like (time-consuming and a lot of work); i almost feel like not working is a viable option unless it's within a closer distance to me and significantly less hours than what home depot wanted. also, reading reviews of home depots everywhere just made me not want to work for them even more. i didn't read a single positive review of former employees working for any of the stores.

this reading week won't feel like a reading week because of all the work i have to do. but i'll be making time for friends and also volunteering at a seneca green conference. the week will fly by and soon i'll be back to the grind. i may also have the ability to be exempt from a course for next semester as i've already taken a very similar course in project management - environmental last year. let's hope that i can get out of it and then maybe i can put in some extra time working and not feel constantly overwhelmed or stressed out with all the things i have on my plate.

go go gadget reading week!

sometimes things get, complicated

where do i start?

1. the job hunt solution
it seems like i had been coordinating an interview time with the home depot for about a month. it was constant phone tag and problems with scheduling because apparently, people don't listen to me when i tell them that i'm busy. eventually, they called me with a time that worked on the thursday for the following tuesday. on the friday, i confirmed and asked for a confirmation callback just to make sure i knew what i was getting myself into. by the time tuesday rolled around, i still hadn't heard from them on a confirmation and i was worried.

with the help of some opinions from friends, i decided to show up to the supposed interview regardless of the confirmation call. it didn't help that i was feeling terrible with a cold and i didn't want to go; but i went. as i commuted to the home depot, i realized that i was in familiar territory. besides a recent encounter with a dude that set me up with a walk of shame from mid-town, there was something else about this area that seemed too ridiculously familiar. and then i walked by a place i had an interview with back in early summer: the school uniform place. it took all my might not to walk my ass in there and see if anyone in the store remembered who i was. that's just the sort of mood i was in that particular evening on the way to my interview.

i walked into the home depot and talked to somebody about how i'm there for an interview but i wasn't sure exactly who i was supposed to interview with. eventually, it gets sorted and i meet with a store manager. he asks some pretty detailed questions about projects and my experience but i was confident in my responses. i knew what i was talking about -- i guess that project management background was starting to pay off. the position was for a project coordinator that, when i was applying for the position, was part-time. this part-time idea was confirmed with the HR manager upon my successful passing of the pre-screen interview. but the store manager told me differently -- that he wanted someone flexible enough to work a 40+ hour work week if it should arise. well, fuck. i left the interview feeling useless.

by thursday afternoon, i receive a call from the HR manager again asking me to meet with her friday afternoon to discuss and consider positions. i was intrigued and she had basically refused to answer my questions over the phone. so, friday afternoon, after the longest commute ever from school, i met up with her. she verbally offered me a position at the special services desk looking after customer projects and things like that. she said she could also cross-train me on project coordination as the two departments coincide with each other and work as a cross-functional team most of the time. i was stoked on this offer and filled in the paperwork immediately. upon the completion and passing of a back check and reference check, as well as getting a go ahead from headquarters (as they're creating a new position for me to set up wages and so on), i would be hired.

so now i wait for a call on wednesday to possibly start on friday. there you have it, after being unemployed for 1 year and 2 months, i may have a job. it's about fucking time.

2. the internship promotion 
remember that longboarding internship i had been working through over the past summer? the one that i was doing a crazy amount of work for without being paid (but at least getting some recognition for it, and having fun while i was doing it... most times)?

well, i had been working on a marketing/promotions project for about 2 months since the beginning of august, monitoring the progress of online advertisements and customer inquiries/sales. the thing was, there were no inquiries or sales. so i spent the majority of the project not doing anything and awaiting a response. last week, i received a response and sent it over. it was the first time in 2 months that i had heard an update from my 'boss', who had been MIA since i met with him at the beginning of august to work on this project. apparently, he had been very ill and took some time off. but he didn't tell me any of this.

i met with him and he told me how appreciative he is with all of the effort and enthusiasm i've put into my projects. and he wanted me to move up as an intern. essentially, he now wants me to help him make projects for the other interns and he wants me to supervise and train new interns. i was pretty stoked on this because i really enjoy managing people and well, developing projects. i'm all about conflict resolution and coming up with alternatives and recommendations on how to do things in a different way, which is probably why project management was such a good fit for me. besides my excellent organizational and time management skills -- geez.

3. the birthday, the school, and the other internship 

i turned 24 years old on saturday october 6. my celebrations started on friday after my ridiculous day of class, commuting, the home depot interview, more commuting, and the longboarding internship. i met up with friends for dinner and drinks and was passed out on my couch before midnight. yes, i was drunk, but also exhausted. it was well worth it. because canadian thanksgiving fell on the same weekend as my birthday, most friends headed home or had family things to attend. i didn't want to get in the way of that. my birthday almost always falls on thanksgiving every year. leave it to my parents to have 2 kids with birthdays that fall on holidays. i'm having a part next weekend to celebrate my birthday and i can't wait for that.

i spent my actual birthday day with much needed amber time and a couple surprises from friends. i had an early night and awaited the arrival of my parents the next day. on october 7, my parents came to visit me in toronto. they brought me a bunch of shit and helped clean up the apartment. i took them out for a nice hike through riverdale farm and had dinner and drinks at house on parliament. i was happy to see them.

i'm pretty swamped with school most of the time but i'm content with what's happening. i'm waiting to start my internship with metrolinx but i don't know exactly what's going on with that or what to expect. i've finished a few papers and presentations so far that keep me busy and i also took on hip hop and zumba classes for a few weeks (although i didn't go last week since i was sick... boooo.)

starting next week, i'm managing school, 2 internships, and a part-time job. so if you need me or want to do something, make sure to book me a year in advance.

sometimes things get, whatever

i told myself that if i didn't get that marketing job, i would automatically become a pessimist in my job hunt.

i didn't get it.

i just can't seem to land a break. i've been unemployed for a year and a month now. some people have told me that you're only unemployed for the amount of time you've been searching for a job. well, fuck. i've been searching for a job since i moved to toronto last september. back then, i was looking for anything that could fit my schedule. and in january of 2012 was when i started the full-time, permanent, real, grown-up job search. and i've had nothing come from it but a string of good and bad interviews.

i felt highly overdressed for my latest interview at a retail store. many of the girls in this interview were wearing leggings. i'm sorry -- when did leggings become standard and okay for job interviews? because i'm now the proud owner of a lady suit jacket (yes, you read that right); it's become my own standard for interview attire. and with the colder weather, it's making it quite easy to be comfortable while i'm wearing it. oh -- and i failed to mention that it looks damn good. this was the first interview i've ever had where it was in my best interest to name drop in order to get the job. so, maybe it'll work out. i've had a bit of luck on my side -- sort of.

i had a pre-interview last week for an actual interview coming up on wednesday for a project coordinator position. i passed the pre-interview with human resources, so now i get to sit down with a couple of managers and tell them how awesome i am and why they should hire me. because, let's face it: i would coordinate the shit out of their projects.

in the meantime, i've secured an intern position for my internship this year in green business management at metrolinx and i'm pretty excited for that. i feel like i have a ton of things to offer them; and i've overheard that the previous year's interns were offered summer jobs with the company. i can only hope that will happen with me too.

but my motivation for school is very minimal. i have a ton of great faculty teaching me this year, which is a giant plus in going to class. however, i'm just tired. i don't want to put in the hours of doing work anymore. my ability to write never ceases to amaze me -- with a paper i started last week the day before it was due and receiving 100% on it -- it lets me know that i've still got it ("i used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. now, what i'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me). 

i'll just keep on keepin' on. maybe things will get better.

the last first week of school

that was a fast summer for not working in paid employment.

i'm back at school now. another graduate certificate. this time around: green business management. i've regaled my classmates of the horrors of last year's program and the way that only one dude was able to get a job in the field... which just so happened to be his dream company. it's difficult to remain optimistic in these troubled times.

but, fortunately this time around, the program doesn't feel like a joke. i'm already busy working away on assignments, papers, and presentations. perhaps this is where i can find whatever is left of my motivation to be in school again for the 7th year. i now have more education experience on my resume than work experience. that also means my student debt is pretty fucking outrageous. yet, my options were limited. i could have scrapped school and kept on with my unemployed job search -- to what end? i probably would have been more miserable if i didn't go to school.

i took the last couple weeks of my summer off from the job hunt. mostly, because i was tired of it and there wasn't many places that were worth my time in order to apply. i have every right to be a picky motherfucker and aim for the jobs i feel are the best fit for me -- personality wise and education wise. and to my surprise, i have an interview with seneca on thursday afternoon for a marketing and communications position. it's part-time and works around my schedule. considering the majority of my summer was spent working on market research, marketing campaigns, promotions and so on, i feel like this could be extremely beneficial to me.

in fact, during the first week of school, one of my professors called me out on potentially being a marketing student. he explained to me that when i answered his question, he immediately thought i had a marketing background based on my answer. well, fuck -- i guess the summer internship and project management program paid off somehow.

i've also been up to some pretty fun things lately. i became an orientation staff member for u of t during the parade, concert (kardinal offishall, le sera, & anjulie), and after party. last year, i was an orientation leader volunteer -- basically, i got to do whatever was needed. in that case, i did security for sam roberts. i was pretty ecstatic about doing that. this year, however, as a staff member, i was to manage and look after my volunteers. i ran the carnival area and food trucks. i back marshalled the parade and ensured the parade went smoothly. and then i went to guvernment for the after party -- the first time i've ever been there, and i monitored the lineup for too many underage drunk kids and tried to be as helpful as possible by shuttling people home on the right buses. i left at 1am for home because i could no longer take the stabbing pain in my legs and feet that proved how great of a time i had that day.

fucked up. he's the love of my life.

i won VIP tickets to riot fest in toronto too from exclaim. i was stoked on that. got to see fucked up, descendents, hot water music, nofx, and less than jake. i saw fucked up back in february at steamwhistle -- and it was amazing. the last time i saw less than jake and nofx was in grade 9 and 10, respectively. less than jake at the international centre way back and nofx at warped tour once. i was never really that into the descendents so we didn't stick around for too much of their set. and hot water music was pretty great because chuck ragan is super rad. i wish i knew more songs, though. 

VIP tickets

1 week down, 14 more to do for this semester. and i'll only have 2 or less exams for this semester. finally -- a program that doesn't require final exams testing how well i can memorize concepts and regurgitate information.

so long, sweet summer

i don't want to go back to school.

i've finished 6 years of post-secondary education. i'm tired of it. grad school the first time around was a joke. actually, it was worse than a joke. i spent a god awful amount of money on what felt like nothing -- nothing that really stuck in my head after april.

i guess i have every right to be tired of school and not have any motivation to get through another fucking year. i figured that maybe this summer -- the one where i couldn't land a job -- would be the summer that follows into september where i don't have to head back to school for something. i just want a job i can be content with and preferably isn't shitty, like working retail. 6 years of school should at least allow me to be able to function in my field of study. as long as i'm getting some moneys, i'll just get you coffee and watch your kids. whatever. i want the real world experience that i lack. i want the real world experience i was supposed to get during my internship in the second semester of grad school; except what i got was developing a 40 page research project that they threw out the moment we walked away. at least i can truly justify my anger.

i haven't had an interview since sometime in the beginning of july when i figured i had nailed that internship with the marketing place. i did nail it; it came down to me and two others. except somebody else got hired over me. still, it's nice to know that i was considered, i suppose. on friday, i had 2 interviews. one with tourism ontario and one with global village. i feel like the lady at tourism ontario was pretty impressed with me. the interview went on for quite awhile and it sounded like a lot of things i could do, given the right circumstances. the global village interview also went pretty well, i think. they didn't have anyone even remotely interested in environment-related things and figured they should probably start.

there's a recruitment/temp agency that's been calling me lately too, but every time i return the call, i never get who i'm supposed to talk to and it's a never-ending cycle of phone tag. she "just wants to talk about my resume"... whatever that means. i've applied to a couple of jobs through that agency but none of them were anything i was that crazy interested in doing. i have an interview with them on wednesday. i also sort of had an in with a retail store that i went to see today, but apparently showed up too late. they clearly saw me standing there quite confused and they didn't even bother to come over to the door and tell me what's up. whatever. i'm better off. i should have just slept through my alarm instead of getting up and trekking over there. i also wasted a bunch of my time applying for a ryerson job only to hear back instantly that applicants were preferred to be ryerson students. for the amount of things i do for both ryerson and u of t, i may as well be an enrolled student. fuck.

the good news is that i'm going to get some money this week. i signed up and was randomly selected to participate in a focus group with seneca. they give me some moneys that will cover a fair amount of food and beer for a couple of weeks. i'm stoked on that. remember that job i was hired at back in april? and then they told me may? and june? and july? and for canada day, they got in touch with me and asked if i was available to work -- but i wasn't. well, they contacted me again for this saturday. and this time, i'm free all day. so, here's hoping something happens with that.

so what am i doing with my time, then? well, applying to jobs takes up a good portion of my day. i've been doing volunteer work with u of t and i'm an official orientation leader of frosh week in september. my longboarding internship is still kicking around and i'm working on things for that. and i did go home to visit for about a week in august. i hadn't been home in a couple of months and had a  lot of stuff to do while i was home. last week, i also found out that my kitty's feline diabetes reversed and now he's back to being healthy. that was super exciting news, and i'm really happy about that.

such a baby.

yep... same old life, really. if i end up going back to school, i start on september 4. with an 8am. because seneca is terrible, amongst other things. but that won't stop me from trying to find a job.

it was the batman? no, it was actually me.

my interest in activism started when i was young. i was living a great life and i couldn't understand why everyone else was constantly complaining about things. i've always lived with a high standard of morality. and once i began intrigued with the world of social justice, equity, environmentalism, and ethics, i was hooked on all of these concepts. they fueled my desire to help others where i could and however i could -- because i always wanted what was the best choice (to each their own, of course) for everyone else.

and i guess you could say, that is what i did what i did last night.

i was on my way home from the bar and had decided to walk a fair hike for awhile to get some exercise, fresh air, clear my head, and just rock out to some tunes. a few streetcars passed me and i decided to hold off, at least for another few blocks. up ahead, i noticed what looked like a conflict going on between a dude and a girl. i was pretty far away, so i wasn't entirely sure if they were just lovingly hating each other or if something was about to go down.

when i got closer to them, i saw the dude forcefully throw the girl against a wall and really get in her face, yelling all kinds of profanity that i could hear from half a block away. i'm all for passion but this was just nonsense. i had three choices. i could have crossed the street and avoided the whole confrontation entirely. it wasn't my business to begin with. or, i could have walked past them and not said a word the entire time and continued on my way -- which seems to be a normal torontonian thing to do.

but instead, i walked up a few feet away from them and yelled. the dude reacted in the way i played it out in my head. he told me to keep on walking -- that what was going on didn't concern me. and again, i had a choice. i could keep on walking or i could do something. i told him straight up that what he was doing did concern me, as it concerned every girl on this planet. i told him she didn't look too happy with what was going on and that for the sake of his own good, he should probably stop what he's doing.

oh, this pissed him off. he walked up to me all tough and got inches away from my face, yelling and screaming at me to fuck off and so on. his breath smelled of beer. i didn't back down. i didn't flinch. i wasn't scared. i stared at him. i calmly told him that he was done here and that if he didn't leave her alone, things were not going to work out in his favour. i could see the look on his face change to a smirk. he didn't believe that i could do anything to stop him.

he went to grab my arm to push me away/down and i immediately went into self-defense mode.  this dude was much bigger than i am (but that doesn't take much). i quickly grabbed his wrist, turned it around backwards, and dug my nails into the underside of his wrist, right on the vein. it's a painful area if you do it the way i've been taught and has been a useful tactic when i've been in numerous dangerous situations. but i wouldn't have done it if he didn't try to lay a hand on me. i told him that this was enough and he was going to leave us as soon as i let go. he nodded in agreement while his face was clenched with pain. i let go and pushed him away from me in the opposite direction. he walked off holding his wrist and screaming profanities.

when it was over, the girl told me that he was a friend of a friend walking her home after the bar. they had just met. she didn't live too far away from the bar but he insisted on walking her home. she got about a block from her place when he kept asking her to come up to her place and spend the night. she wasn't interested. and then things got ugly. he told her that he had a knife and was going to hurt her. we called her friend and told her what had happened, but it turns out it wasn't actually her friend's friend, more of her friend's acquaintance. they too, had only met once or twice before. i walked the girl to her place and we notified the police to file a report.

a lot of my life has been about the "wrong place, wrong time" curse. i've been in many situations when i was younger, throughout my teens, that were seriously dangerous. but i've always handled them in a graceful matter. parties that get out of control, being chased down by a couple of dudes over a misunderstanding, being followed by strange men on numerous occasions, getting drugged and taken advantage of against my will, or even minding my own business and going shopping for an evening are just a handful of the scenarios i've encountered in my short little life. seeing the darker side of the towns and people i grew up with made me realize that as a strong woman, i was capable of doing and handling whatever situation that was thrown at me.

so, maybe batman wasn't around last night to help somebody in need. but at least i was.

what am i gonna do with all these decisions i made? i am stuck in them.

if you haven't watched this already, you probably should.

i've been making a lot of decisions lately and making an attempt to bring my life back on track. i don't have a tendency to get derailed too often -- but sometimes, it's inevitable.

i started this blog over a year ago to talk about how ridiculous it is to find a shitty summer job or a grown-up job in this economy and being a recent graduate with zero experience within my field of study. and, for the most part, that is what this blog still represents. because i had only found a few summer jobs that i was consistently in and out of for the summer of 2011, i went back to school hoping that in 8 months, the economy, the job search, a new city, and more knowledge & qualifications would help me land a real job for the first time. unfortunately, that didn't happen. and i'm still scratching my head as to why it didn't happen.

this blog evolved into different subtopics, like budgeting and a lack of funds to friends, school, and relationships. these aspects were never my intention to write about -- but they were always things that needed to be said at the time when they were written. i can make the case that all of those topics are inherently related. having a job or not having a job means i'd have to budget or not have any money. school helped me not have any money but increased my qualifications for getting a job, or so i'm being told. friends and relationships are an integral part of the job search as they keep me grounded and give me a place to share my thoughts about what's going on.

there were two conversations i had this week which have helped me progress forward with my life.

1. a conversation with my roommate

there's a reason why my roommate and i (aka, my best friend since grade 6) get along so well. he's about the only person i know who can change my emotional state of being with just one sentence. he's always there when i need him to be as he's watched me struggle with many different things over the course of the almost a year we've been living together. he has a habit of knowing what to say in order to help me move on from whatever i'm dealing with.

for instance, awhile back we were talking about dude problems. i can't remember exactly what we were saying, but eventually he told me that "i was hotter than him." before you're quick to judge on that sentence, his words actually got me thinking. so i took them to other friends -- and they all agreed. it was only after this point when i realized that i had been seeing someone who, although i found him extremely attractive, most other friends didn't -- and saw me as the hotter one. this brought me back to how i met your mother's idea of the reacher and the settler. and in this scenario, it was definitely true. he was the reacher and i was the settler.

this time, a new job opening was available at my roommate's work. we got to talking about the position requirements and my roommate told me that i shouldn't apply for it because it was a "serious" job. this sentence hit me hard. yes, i have never had a serious job -- but i have never really been looking for one until now, sort of. i've spent the majority of my life working shitty jobs and being extraordinary when i do them while rarely receiving any feedback or recognition. even through my mass amount of volunteer work while at brock (which, for one year, took up an insane amount of my time and i basically hated every minute of it); i thought i would get some sort of recognition for my hard work. but it never happened.

so much of my life has been determined by the "someone else over me" concept. in jobs, i'm given a chance to prove my worth and someone else is hired over me. in recognition for hard work, someone else is given that recognition. in relationships, there's always someone else he'd rather be with than me (with the new shocking twist that this could happen basically any fucking time in the course of a relationship) and, as depressing as that may sound, i'm used to it. which is likely the reason why it doesn't take me very long to get over things that happen to me. this takes me into the conversations of last night.

2. the conversations i had last night 

this blog and any king of writing in general (especially that of my not-so-public blog that exists out there) have always worked as a release for my anger, resentment, and occasional happy moments. i am by no means an angry girl. but there are some things out there that can get the best of me and can stay locked up in me for weeks, months or years, depending on the situation. yes, my friends are content to listen to my problems and some of them can tell when i've been having a rough time. but in all honesty, i would rather not bore my friends with what i'm dealing with and talk about more positive, happier things. because that's my personality and it's not going to change.

so, last night, my roommate and i had a few friends over for drinks. and although i didn't want to talk about what's been going on and how i'm feeling -- most of them got it out of drunk amber pretty easily. and once i started talking, i found myself not able to stop.

yes, dude problems fucking suck. but i only needed a day before i was back out there and doing what i want. i didn't have any anger or resentment about what happened. you could barely even call it a break-up since things weren't "official" or "serious". but it ended. and despite what people may think, i'm actually okay. i feel the need to mention how wonderful my friends have been when they found out about what's been going on with me -- i couldn't ask for more love and support.

reading this article on men vs women breakups got me thinking too about how i don't fit the woman "norm" for getting over things. but, i have to play it safe. i have to prolong interactions and there's a high percentage that i can never be just friends with that person. although i'm not sure if they will or ever do (because i've never tried), i worry that whatever feelings i had may return and i'll constantly want something more than just a friendship. there is one dude in my life that i had deep feelings for at one point and it was the only time it took me forever to get over our ending. but now that dude is one of my good friends -- and i'm happy for that.

so yes, it can happen. but sometimes, it's just better and easier when it doesn't.

the power of me

i've been in a bit of a vulnerable state the last few weeks.

my life has a tendency to be awesome only up until a certain point -- and then it gets a little difficult. you see, all of the bad things that seem to happen to me occur in the same span of a couple weeks. yes, these can range from bad interviews, bad dates, problems with school, to empathy with friends and family. and seriously; things haven't been this awful in quite some time.

i've never been one to sit around all day, all month, or all year. i can appreciate that i may have inherited the workaholic gene from my family. it exists. and i know it does. i don't feel right unless there's something to do. and having this first summer of real unemployment is driving me crazy. the internship is okay. i like what i'm doing and occasionally feel some sort of gratitude for the things i do. but the no money factor kills me. it's also not enough to keep me busy. i'm finding other activities, like cooking, working out, cleaning, and playing video games to make the days pass. and even then, i'm finding it strangely difficult to make a life out of any of this.

you see, a lot of social life depends on funds. with no moneys, this makes it increasingly difficult to go out and do things, like drink heavily at bars -- which most of my friends do. sure, i can hang out with dudes, get drinks, and do whatever i want. but it's not the same. i don't want to be dependent on another dude just to be able to go out and have fun. i've never wanted to be dependent. i'm one of the biggest commitaphobes i've ever met -- and i'm not exactly going to be shy about it. many of my past relationships have failed mostly because of this reason. i don't settle. i don't commit. and when i do these things, they have a tendency to backfire on me. so, for the most part, i just stopped.

i stopped after my latest failed relationship ended in december. we were together for quite some time and i was over it in a matter of days. frankly, i was over it before it was even over. but that empathy factor set in and i decided it was better to seem like i was upset than to go off and live my life so quickly. the commitment set in and i just wasn't ready. i was never ready with him even though he felt like he was. it was just not anything that i needed at the time. and it went on for so long -- as one of my first "real" relationships that i didn't know how to end. and the ending was about 8 months too late.

i could tell myself again and again that it was my fault. that i should have spared both of us the trouble, ending it when it should have ended, rather than many months later when he had invested himself in me and the relationship even further. but i couldn't do that. and i still can't. i can assume that he's forgiven me and things might resume as normal -- to be friends. but i can't do that either. i'll never see him again. or any of the other dudes i may have been sort of "seeing" (or mostly just kissing) on the side -- and i'm sorry that he may not have known that, but i can assume he suspected. it was an easy way out that i saw but never used to progress to a means to an end. i had just always hoped and knew, whatever hopeless romantic, if any, was left in me -- that i would just know when that right dude had come along. i encouraged myself to believe that somewhere out there was a dude i could be with where i didn't want to be with any other dudes except him.

i started 2012 off with a clean slate. and by the middle of january and a whole fuck ton of awful dates later, i found a few shining lights. some of which worked out to my advantage and others not so much. two of them remained steady up until about now. one of them, i had assumed, had no interest in anything else other than what we were doing -- hanging out. he felt more like a friend rather than somebody i may have been sort of dating. the other found a soft spot in me that i wasn't sure existed. and although there was always a constant talk of where we were going or how things were progressing, there never seemed to be a common ground we could take other than whatever it was that we had. so i left it. at some point, i realized that i saw a potential future but never exactly expressed an interest in this until it was too late.

it was a step up and a step down for everyone involved. of course, there were and still are other dudes being picked up and dropped off consistently wherever i see fit. whenever i wanted something more and he didn't, i'd make more time for others. whenever it seemed he wanted something more, i was constantly invested in other dudes. we were always on a different level of infatuation - whether we actually believed in it or not. but it was one of the only things in my life that kept me steady and stable. something i could count on being there even if he wasn't always around whenever i needed him to be -- because i never expected him to be. it was something i felt content with. and happy that throughout this strange, steady dating experience, there was never a point where i felt required to end it -- like so many others had pissed me off before. it was patience and understanding. it was honest and positive.

but there were no rules.

and when there are no boundaries, no procedures, no policies, and no rules, there is bound to be failure, upset, and sadness. i had the ability to do whatever the fuck i wanted. and so i did it. i fell back into old patterns and routines. i fell back into the roots of 15 year old me -- being in the wrong place at the wrong time and doing things i know i shouldn't be doing. my ethics and morals were off balance. i wanted an exclusivity but couldn't get it. so i added more dudes into the picture, making myself even more confused about the whole situation and fucking up some other things i had going for me in my life. i hit a downward spiral until i decided i wasn't going to take this shit any longer.

and yet -- we remained steady. it was always available to me whenever i felt like getting it. problems soon arose that i realized and i didn't know how to cope. i kept telling myself that it was just a phase. we'd been through them before. but i had a feeling. i had that feeling my life had been too swell for too long and i was about to be hit. a storm was coming. and it did.

my existing problems with time and the job search sent me into an anger i've never felt before. i have no money to show for the 4 months i've been out of school. i have no money to go out with friends and live a life. i have no money to pay rent and live in toronto. i have problems with osap giving me money to get through the next year and my new post-grad program. i had friends reach out to me with mind-boggling problems of their own -- dealing with their own stress and anxieties of life that hurt me, knowing that i was dealing with similar issues and was at a loss for words. i re-evaluated my life and choices. this was the first time ever that i didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.

so when i needed him to be there without telling him i needed him to be there, he decided he wasn't going to be. the one steady thing in my life had failed me.

but i'll only be stronger once this storm is over.

......."rise."

the summer of nothing

remember that seinfeld episode with that show about nothing?

my summer is a whole lot of nothing.

i did some blogging for my internship. i'm currently working on an promotional advertising campaign for three products and tracking the visitor numbers and responses on craigslist, kijiji, and the ontario longboarding forum. these things have been keeping me quite busy. 

on the kind of job front, i picked up a blogging assignment for blogTO to review the riverdale farmers' market. i got to go talk to all the vendors and get some free food out of the deal. it wasn't so bad, except it was one of the hottest days of the year when i went to check it out. i wrote up a review of the market and waited for feedback. they thought it was okay -- but it needed revisions. so, i'm working on those revisions now and hoping my next draft will be workable. they pay me some money for it eventually when it's published. it's not a lot, but it will cover some groceries, at least.

the rest of my job search has sort of fallen off the face of the earth. i'm still occasionally applying to jobs but am never hearing back from any for an interview. it's basically the end of july and i haven't had a job yet. but -- this still seems to be the case for many of my friends.

i have a few leads on potential jobs for september but there's no real telling what's going to happen with that. once upon a time, i hoped that if i found a full time job somewhere, i wouldn't have to go back to school. now that i can't seem to find any job, full or part-time, it seems more and more likely everyday that i'll do the green business management program for another 8 months and start the real serious job search next april.

it's going to be strange to tell OSAP by september that this was the first summer ever in 6 years that i wasn't able to find any type of summer work.

the social media break up

i can guarantee it's happened to you, whether you actually knew about it or not: the social media break up.

because, yes, we've gotten to a point where the only logical thing to do when you don't want to see or hang out with somebody anymore is to "remove and delete them from life". you have the power. you have the ability. technology is right there to embrace whatever you want to do. you can throw out people like nobody's business (and i'm waiting to see how many friends i'm losing after this blog post.... ha!)

technology has come so far and we've only grown a little.

about a month ago, i met a dude at a party and things seemed to go okay. he had a childish charm that, while i was drunk, made me laugh. and that's fine. except he was supposed to be mature. and have his life figured out. and was doing a lot of things i couldn't even begin to understand. we exchanged numbers and facebooks to plan hangs. sure, he was kind of cute. but there was something about him that just made me really uneasy and i was soon to find out what that was.

neither of us wanted things to move too quickly, so we spent many weeks texting to try to get together. he'd text me a bunch of times during the day about nothing in particular. it started to get sort of annoying and i didn't always respond. what i didn't need was another stage 5 clinger. i had enough of those encounters already in 2012 and hoped he wasn't one of them. eventually, we made plans with some mutual friends to go to an event. it was great since i was definitely not comfortable hanging out on our own yet -- there was still something about him that gave me a strange feeling.

to my horror, some other friends bailed at the last minute and i was now stuck on a double date. fuck. okay. so we walked around and looked at things. we drank some beer. he talked a lot. he also seemed really nervous. i didn't know what to think. i can't even remember a single thing we talked about. i just found him extremely dull. this was not the dude i met at that party. at the end of the evening, he ended up buying me something cute -- probably to win me back. it didn't really work but hey, that was a good effort. i left him with a hug and went to meet up with other friends to try and analyze what just happened.

so, what happened? well, besides the fact that he was boring, nervous, talked a lot, didn't really get along with any of the friends that were with us and just didn't seem comfortable being with me -- there was also just no fucking spark. no connection. i couldn't see anything in him worth going after. there were a few common interests but not nearly enough to get by. we were pretty much doomed from the start.

i just knew that he knew things between us weren't as good as they should have been after that night. i likely texted saying i had a good time even though i didn't. and i'm pretty sure he responded saying he did too. but then we never texted again. and for good reason. it wasn't until lately when i noticed we were no longer friends on facebook either. i was a little relieved. recently, i did my own social media break up and got rid of at least 30 "friends" that i haven't talked to in months or years -- or they were those stage 5 clingers/stalkers i mentioned before. i figured i may have removed him in that purge or maybe he did it to me. i guess we will never know. and really, i don't give a fuck.

sure, it's not so easy when it's somebody i might actually care about. there are a lot of those friends out there that may not feel the same way about me. and that sucks since i hold friendships quite close to me. social media has just made breaking off friendships and bad dates so much easier leaving most friends none the wiser until it's too late.

so please, i'm asking all of you to remember those manners your mommy once taught you to be polite. because i'd appreciate a reason as to why we're no longer friends. it's simple: tell me you hate the things i post on facebook. tell me you're in love with me and i don't feel the same. tell me you find me annoying. tell me i'm boring. tell me you hate the sarcastic things i say. tell me you're tired of my simpsons quotes.

just tell me something before you remove me from your life forever, okay?

because the absolute worst thing you can do to me is keep me wondering what it was that made you lose interest in me.

i could do a lot of things if i had some money

"i'm really enjoying not having a job." 

yes, i fucking said it. i'm enjoying not working, besides the fact that i'm running low on money. the truth is that i'm so busy doing things outside of the job hunt (like volunteering, my unpaid internship, hanging out and enjoying the summer, and so on) even though i try to spend a few hours a day sending out resumes to these potential jobs.

the interview i had on thursday with the marketing firm went much better than i expected. i was so discouraged from wednesday's ridiculous interview that i forgot what it was like to talk to a real human being (and a recent graduate like myself) about getting a job and experience working. the lady interviewing me was so incredibly personable. she reminded me of what i try to be most days. we talked for a good half hour and the firm does a bunch of neat sustainability things. i'm hoping i can land this one because i feel as though i can be a definite asset to their small team. it seems like a good fit for me. fingers crossed.

in the meantime, i've been pretty busy working on internship projects that are taking up some of my time. i've been completing research on the benefits of longboarding: specifically, carbon offsetting, time/distance saved, and exercise. what started out as something i thought i could enjoy quickly spun into something i realized wasn't the best idea. there were so many different sections to observe and information to discover and transfer knowledge. it was some difficult research. but once it was over, i moved onto the calculation end of things.

just the word 'calculations' and i immediately fell into the fetal position. you mean to tell me i'm going to have to use math? oh, fuck.

this is where i spent a couple of days just staring at what i had to do on google docs and screaming 'fuck' at the top of my lungs. i was so lost. okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. but still. i didn't know what i was supposed to do. none of the things we had discussed previous to when i tried to do the calculations was making any sense and i had forgot a bunch of the things i was supposed to remember, ha.

with the help of a few friends, eventually i found my direction and kept on with it. surely, this was the most half-assed project i had completed to date. or so i thought. upon the deadline and meeting, i was praised for my continuous efforts and perfection. apparently it was exactly what he wanted and needed for the infographic. SUCCESS! mama's still got it.

since i didn't want to look at calculations or the benefits of longboarding anymore for at least awhile (and the lack of graphic design interns to work with me on creating and designing the infographic) i moved onto the newest project of the week: blogging! finally, something i know i can do well and not get bored halfway through. i sent off a list of topics i'm considering writing about with any and all the freedoms i want (including the freedom to hipsterize and swear as much as i see fit, depending on what i'm talking about).

knowing that i have a keen sense for writing and keeping the attention of the internet, and that once upon a time i was actually PAID to blog as part of a job (i know, i had a job once, can you believe that?) i figure this will be a great week.

hopefully i'll hear from the marketing firm too and i'll be paid to do other things soon again too.

time's a wastin'

i figured the job hunt is getting to a serious desperation point as i applied to several jobs yesterday and received two requests for interviews. one for an administrative position at a daycare and one for a research internship for a marketing firm.

okay, yes... i would prefer the research one. but i'm almost willing to do anything if it pays (so, start looking for my drag king debut sooner rather than later).

i'm basically up in arms about the interview i had this morning. i travelled over half an hour in rush hour commute times to the daycare. i was just under ten minutes early. i walked in and was greeted by a lady to pointed me in the direction of the lady interviewing me. we walked to an office while we attempted small talk. she was sort of difficult to understand and talked pretty fast.

at the office, i had a seat and she asked if i had any experience working with kids. yep, i sure did. then, she asked if i had office experience. yep, i kinda did. working in a library is kinda like an office. there were officey-type things to do and whatnot, so i described to her what i did. she followed up by asking me why she should hire me over others. i threw out some things about how i'm awesome. she didn't seem too impressed with me. she told me that if and when she calls for a second interview is when she would talk about the position, the wage, and answer any questions i had about the position.

i stared at her in disbelief. you mean to tell me i travelled over half an hour to meet with you for exactly five minutes? i asked her if they were looking for somebody full-time, permanent and she shook her head yes. she got up to shake my hand and wished me farewell. she didn't even walk me out. when i had checked the time upon me leaving the daycare, it was 9:30am -- the time my interview was supposed to start.

what the fuck just happened?

the fuck?

not only was this a waste of my time (to barely sleep the night before because of interview nerves, to get up and get ready, to travel across the city and meet her) but also a waste of her own time to meet with me. we both know that's five minutes of our lives we will never get back. so why even bother interviewing if you already seem to know that you don't like me or that i don't fit your qualifications/standards for the position?

ugh. feeling totally down and ridiculous, i walked past a loblaws on the way back to the subway. i dropped off a resume just to try and increase chances of a potential job. maybe something will happen. maybe not. at least my chances are better in dropping that resume off than the interview i just had.

here's hoping that tomorrow's interview on bay street goes a little better.