the waiting is the hardest part

too much of my life is spent waiting.

i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.

typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.

by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).

more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.

it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.

part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills. 

i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.

the waiting will always be the hardest part.

the other woman

when i saw you the other night, i wasn't sure how to react.

the days when we used to talk were the highlights of my life in a rough time. and you were there to make it better without ever actually being around. and i guess i was the same for you. there was always talk of moving forward, of taking things in a different direction, to a place where i wouldn't have to see you from across the room. i'd always be staring at half of your face, the back of your head, or if i was lucky, your ass. apparently, it was the same for you.

it was difficult for me to understand how we got along as well as we did without ever interacting face to face. it was difficult for me to understand why someone like you would want anything to do with me. it was difficult for me to understand why you said some of the things you said. and it was even more difficult for me to come to terms that, whatever it was we were doing, was only going to be that. those things you had talked about before and promised me were just a lie to get you off. and while i did come to terms with that earlier than you probably expected me to, part of me continued to hope that someday, we would. i wouldn't have agreed to be anyone else's other woman except for yours, and i meant that.

so, when i saw you the other night with some other girl hanging off your arm, i didn't know how to react. in fact, it's a fluke i even saw you. for some reason or another, i had an ache to look back. it's like i knew you were there, following me out of the bar. i know you saw me. you looked awkward for seeing me with another girl hanging off you, which i knew wasn't your girlfriend. was she the other, other woman? probably not. you had told me once that she gets drunk and hits on you. and for some reason, you just take it. you take it because it's available to you and familiar. you take it because it's nothing. you take it because you're unhappy with everything you do and everyone you're ever involved with. and i hate myself for knowing that i liked you because of those reasons.

but i didn't know what to do. there you were, with her, following me down the street, while i walked with one of the only dudes left in my life who is leaving me for the summer. part of me wanted to yell at you. part of me wanted to talk to you. part of me wanted to punch you. and part of me wanted to cry, just because that should have been me and never was. though you had this hold over me, you weren't worth any tears. at least i had that going for me.

i could've turned to my weekend boyfriend and grabbed his hand. i could've grabbed his face and madeout passionately in front of you. i could've done a lot of things, but instead, i did nothing. i continued to walk with my dude away from you and that's how it was always meant to be; me with someone who keeps things easy, and you, with someone you've been unhappy with for over a year but not willing to do anything about it.

and i could go on to blame this hold you had on me as to the reasons why building relationships with anyone over the past year had been so difficult for me. that measly shred of hope thinking that you'd come around someday made me miss out on several opportunities with dudes showing an interest in me. it's the reason why some things didn't evolve. it's the reason i declined others. it's the reason why so many of my romantic endeavors over the past year have been so fucked up.

i realized this long ago and had no idea how to get out of it until you presented an opportunity. there it was: something you did which warranted me to get really upset with you for the last time. no longer was i going to put up with your shit. and it was easy, like pulling off a band-aid. with just a few words, you were out of my life. and i was ready to focus on dudes that were real, rather than someone i'd see across a room and share awkward glances with.

when i turned around again, you were gone.

maybe i had imagined the entire thing. we'll never know for sure.

time stops

i've just spent my first entire year out of school.

and in that year i:

- started something with a dude
- went to vegas
- ended something with a dude
- spent forever job hunting
- started something with a dude
- started something with a dude
- had a wonderful summer without a job
- got a real job
- got really sick
- saw my favourite band ever live for the first time 
- got fired from the real job
- almost died due to sickness 
- spent two months sober
- recovered from sickness
- got hired at a new job
- celebrated 3 months at the new job
- ended something with a dude
- pretty much ended something with a dude

for the first time in a long time, i'm not seeing anyone. this includes any physical or emotional relationships that were barely anything to begin with. i have no dudes. and it's actually one of the best feelings i've had in a long time.

a lot can change in a year because timing is everything.

i'm just happy to be alive.

remember me as a time of day

my latest interview got me thinking about how people get to where they are in a current state. for instance, this lady interviewing me was one of the few people i've met who's in a project coordination role and doesn't have her PMP (project management professional certification). if anything, it gave me hope for the future of not needing to get a PMP designation.

the interview also let me think about the question "so tell me a bit about yourself" and the next 3 minutes out of my mouth are about the last 7 years of my life that i spent in school. but, there was also a social aspect to that which i failed to mention. it's not quite meant for an answer to an interview question, but i haven't poured my little heart out in a blog post about relationships for awhile.

here's 3 sort of interesting dude stories from my teenage years that have changed me. and really haven't changed the way i think about dudes.

oh, and these are all real names. because i remember names and not faces. and hell, if any of them actually read this (but i haven't talked to them since i was a teenager), i want them to know it's me and they were.. well.. them. 

1) "andrew"

i met andrew one summer in line at warped tour. i was maybe 14 or 15. he was this tall, skinny dude from the GTA. either me or the friends i was with in line started talking to him and his friends. eventually, i ended up getting separated from my friends and ended up hanging out with andrew. he didn't say a whole lot to me in line and i'm pretty sure i spent more time talking to his friends instead. when gates opened for warped tour, i waited around for my friends but couldn't find them, so i went off with andrew and his friends.

i had a set of bands i wanted to see and told andrew. apparently, the ones he wanted to see weren't on until later, so he accompanied me to see a bunch of my bands. i remember thinking that he was kinda neat but i wasn't sure if he just wanted to hear some music. we hang out watching my bands for a few hours and then head back over to the main stages to see one of his. he says he's tired and sits down on the grass. a couple of his friends pass us by and stop to say hey. suddenly, he grabs me and makes me sit on his lap. uhm, okay. that was unexpected. his friends mention that we're missing stuff happening on stage. he says something along the lines of that he doesn't care.

cool, so this dude wants to cuddle. or something. i'm confused but just go with it anyway. his friends leave and we're just sitting on the grass, me on top of him. we don't say anything for awhile. the more i sit on him, the more i realize that this dude is way too skinny and he's super uncomfortable to sit on. so i made a break for it and stood up. a few seconds later, i see one of my friends in the crowd and she sees me. she walks over to me with this gnarly looking tattooed dude. they talk to me for a second and then start making out in front of andrew and i.

i look away and look at andrew, who's also looking away from me. he looks back at me, smirks, and pulls me closer to him. i didn't know what to do so i just kissed him. it was weird. he kept holding onto me but didn't try to kiss me again. i'm confused. i let it be. after the band ends, he says he saw one of his friends leaving in the crowd and was gonna go see them. i told him that was cool and i'd be waiting there because a band i wanted to see was the next band on stage. he says he'll come find me in a bit.

never saw him again. no idea if he was serious about coming back to find me or if he just couldn't find me. we didn't exchange numbers or emails or myspaces or anything. not even last names. it's possible that the kiss was just so bad he didn't want anything more to do with me. hell, at that age, i had barely kissed anyone. or maybe he just wanted to cuddle me and hold me. i don't know. i didn't really care. the whole ordeal left me feeling weird and it took me a long time to make a first move on a dude again after that.

2) "evan" 

evan was a friend of my brother's. when i started grade 9, he was in grade 12. he was the muscley, bro, football player and someone i wasn't sure why my brother was friends with, considering my brother was and still is this small, skinny, quiet boy. even in grade 9, the "bro" and "football player" were not my type. i'm about as surprised as you are from this story.

several of my brother's friends seemed to be obsessed with me and i don't know why. it was an ongoing occurrence and i was one of the few niners that seemed to know almost every grade 12 in high school. evan and i had our strange encounters throughout the year but nothing that interesting to mention until one day, he stopped me in the hall and asked to take me out. wait, this bro wants to go on a date? hey now, i've seen a lot of movies -- i know how this ends up. i'll be honest, i wasn't nearly as cute as i am now. but come on, i was 14. i didn't know any better. but i never took him up on his offer.

at the end of the year, we get yearbooks and i see him by himself one day in the hall. i get him to sign my yearbook, which reads something along the lines of "it was great knowing you but i only have one regret: that i never got to take you out." he may have signed his number, i can't remember. so, what the fuck?

you'd think the story ends there. but it doesn't.

that summer, a friend and i are going through yearbooks and she tells me that she knows evan's sister. the thing was, i also knew evan's sister. but the sister didn't know i was interested in her brother. my friend tells me to add his first name, last name on MSN and see what happens. so i did. low and behold, it worked. we end up talking for most of the summer and into the beginning of the next school year when he started college. i felt so young and naive now that i was crushing on a dude in college. then, in another significant turn of events, i make friends with a girl in class who says that evan is her next door neighbour.

and because i was super creepy back then (and maybe i still am, but that's up to your judgement), i kept making excuses to hang out with that girl. or be around in that general area. one night in november, i'm walking by his house with some friends and his car is in the driveway. and for some reason, we go knock on the door. he's home. this is weird. he invites us in and we sit around watching tv in his basement. evan gets me to sit on his lap. uhm, okay. we watch tv some more and then leave shortly after. i hug evan goodbye and then he kisses me out of nowhere. one kiss. i should've known better.

man, i was hooked. i never saw him again but he got me good. i tried talking to him every day. i pretty much emailed him every other day talking about stupid things in my life and occasionally he'd reply. seriously, i hate myself for being that needy and ridiculous. but i was 14. i didn't know any better. eventually, he stopped replying and i cried for days. i guess i had hoped that i'd be kissed again. i wish i could just go back in time and slap 14 year old amber in her face sometimes.

3) "stewie"/"matt"

preface: i grew up in a small, tourist town that was a booming beach in the summertime. my summer hobby was walking around to various campsites and cottages to make new friends and get given free beer to drink for something to do from these tourists. in exchange for beer, we would regale these tourists with stories about how terrible the town is and/or makeout with those dudes that gave us beer. keep this in mind as you read on. 
 
you may have noticed that this dude has 2 names. it's because i couldn't actually figure out what his name was, but he answered to both. this story is probably the best dude story i have from my teenage years and he still crosses my mind a decade later.

i met stewie one summer during wakestock. i was 15. a friend and i started talking to a group of tall, muscley, surfer-esque dudes after one of the wakestock concerts. several of them were cute looking and i took to one of them immediately. the one with some kind of a tribal tattoo and "stewie" tatooed on his arm. one of the other dudes in the group asked my friend how old she was and she told them she was 16. this kind of put off some of the dudes because they were older. now, you see, this particular summer was different. normally, if someone had asked my age, i would've told them that i was 15. but my friend and i had decided to try something new and said that if anyone asked, i was 18 years old. i know. it's cruel and i'm setting myself up for trouble. so when stewie asked how old i was and i told him i was 18, he smirked. he then told me he was 23. yes, okay, i've always had a love affair with older dudes and this was no different.

once pleasantries and ages were discussed, we moved onto plans for what to do. the group of dudes were staying at an awful campsite, so my friend invited them all back to her place. we drink heavily through drinking games and have a rad time. as night rolls around, a bunch of us travel back to the beach and shops. stewie and i walk into one of the tattoo shops. we're both drunk as fuck. he offers to buy me a tattoo. being local, i knew every tattoo artist in the shop and all of them were looking at me wondering where i had picked up this drunk dude. stewie and i stand there looking at the wall of tattoos to choose from and he's convinced we're both getting matching frog tattoos. luckily, a tattoo artist came over to us and said they don't tattoo intoxicated people, like us. thinking stewie was actually going to be super pissed, i braced myself for some kinda mouthy backlash. instead, he shrugs and says something along the lines of "yeah, this probably isn't a good idea" and walks out of the shop. cute AND chill? jackpot.

we head back to my friend's place and watch a movie where stewie and i makeout for a bit and fall asleep cuddling. at like 5am, my friend is waking us up to get the dudes out of her place before he parents come home. haha. i share a kiss with stewie and exchange numbers/emails even though i had basically assumed i would never see him again because he lived out in buttfuck nowhere and i had lied to him about my age but had yet to tell him about that.

maybe a week goes by and i don't hear from him. again, a shot in the dark, i send him an email with my number and MSN again. almost immediately, he responds and we talk on and off for the rest of the summer. he calls my house many times just to chat and tell me his crazy party stories, like how he was at some party and next to the toilet was this giant hunting gun or something. the more i talked to him, the more i felt bad about lying to him because here was this great dude who called me a few times a week and wanted to get together again even though he lived far away from me.

school starts up again in september and we're still talking on and off. i believe he had a job of some sort where he lived but he was travelling a lot for it. it had been a few months now since we had been talking and my 16th birthday was coming up. i wanted to invite him to the party i was having for it but i didn't know how. and i felt bad.

about a week before my birthday, he's chatting to me on msn. i think in my msn name it said that my birthday was soon or i had mentioned to him before that i had an october birthday. so he started talking to me about it. he asked if i was going to be 19. i told him i wasn't going to be 19. then he asked if i was going to be 18. i uh, told him no. then he asked if i was going to be 17. and i uh, once again, had to tell him no. after many minutes of silence on both our parts, i told him i was going to be 16 years old.

and that was the end of that. he went offline and i never heard from him again. believe me, i feel terrible because y'know, making out with a 15 year old when you're 23 (turning 24 a couple weeks later from the makeout day) isn't the best thing. and i'm truly sorry for lying to him and keeping it from him for so long. it just sorta sucks since we got along so well with the age difference. maybe i was just mature. who knows. but i find it hard to believe that he believed that i was 18 when i'm nearly 25 now and still get ID'ed for booze most places. and when i was 15.. i looked 15. there was no question about it.

the hilarity of my life never ceases to amaze me. and it continues to amaze me as time goes on.

the summer of nothing

remember that seinfeld episode with that show about nothing?

my summer is a whole lot of nothing.

i did some blogging for my internship. i'm currently working on an promotional advertising campaign for three products and tracking the visitor numbers and responses on craigslist, kijiji, and the ontario longboarding forum. these things have been keeping me quite busy. 

on the kind of job front, i picked up a blogging assignment for blogTO to review the riverdale farmers' market. i got to go talk to all the vendors and get some free food out of the deal. it wasn't so bad, except it was one of the hottest days of the year when i went to check it out. i wrote up a review of the market and waited for feedback. they thought it was okay -- but it needed revisions. so, i'm working on those revisions now and hoping my next draft will be workable. they pay me some money for it eventually when it's published. it's not a lot, but it will cover some groceries, at least.

the rest of my job search has sort of fallen off the face of the earth. i'm still occasionally applying to jobs but am never hearing back from any for an interview. it's basically the end of july and i haven't had a job yet. but -- this still seems to be the case for many of my friends.

i have a few leads on potential jobs for september but there's no real telling what's going to happen with that. once upon a time, i hoped that if i found a full time job somewhere, i wouldn't have to go back to school. now that i can't seem to find any job, full or part-time, it seems more and more likely everyday that i'll do the green business management program for another 8 months and start the real serious job search next april.

it's going to be strange to tell OSAP by september that this was the first summer ever in 6 years that i wasn't able to find any type of summer work.

unemployed? nah, just looking.

ladies and gentlemen, i'm proud to announce to you that i have been recommended for graduation and will be receiving an ontario graduate certificate at the end of june. 8 months really did go by very quickly.

a thorough review of the last 8 months will be happening shortly.

in the meantime on the job front, i applied to an event staffing place at the end of april who told me to come in and fill out an application. i took the over an hour commute to the headquarters and met with the dude doing the hiring. he basically told me that they would review my application and contact me when i was needed. i help with events and festivals throughout the city of toronto. he sends all the information about the upcoming event/festival via email and i get to choose whether i'd like to work it or pass on it. he said it was likely that i could get full time hours if i wanted.

this sounded fantastic to me as i'd get to work outside all summer and make some money. it wasn't directly related to the environment but it is tourism, so that was okay. also, it was the first place to hire me and with the way things were going, i decided to take it. i told them i was available to work that weekend and they never got back to me. i emailed asking when i would start and they said "the busy season would be starting soon" and he'd be in touch when i was needed.

this job hasn't exactly stopped me from applying to other jobs. i applied for a program coordinator position with a hostel and got a call for an interview. however, after returning the call and getting voice mail, i never received another call again. a couple days later, i went home and emailed the dude asking if interviews were still happening. he calls that day and says he could interview me right then if i was available -- but i was at home. well, shit. if this place couldn't organize set interview times and call me back, i didn't believe they were worth my time. also, i had heard the hostel wasn't that nice. it just essentially would have been a place to utilize the skills i've learned from the past 8 months.

i had a marketing firm call me and ask for an interview even though i didn't apply to them. they came across my resume on monster. i forgot that i even had a resume posted up there. they called on friday and again on monday. i returned the call on monday and they're primary focus was telemarketing/cold calling with financial institutions. totally not what i'm looking for. they said if anything comes up in the environmental field, they would let me know. i highly doubt that'll happen, but i thanked them for their interest in me.

today, after applying to another job at the same environmental store that i've applied to probably about 2-3 times in the last couple of months, i got a call from them but they didn't leave a message. i thought this was very strange. what employer calls and doesn't leave a message?

i'm also enjoying the number of rejection emails i get -- both personalized and unpersonalized. at least i know my resumes are getting read.. even if my resume isn't good enough. two of the dream jobs i applied for are out -- rejected. i've totally re-done both my resume and cover letter. i really hope it helps.

man, i friggin' hate the job search.