thank you for everything

my grandmother passed away on christmas eve. she would've been 93 on january 5.

for 3 months, my parents did as much as they could to take care of her. she had fallen ill with liver problems. there were good days and bad days.

what you need to learn about my grandmother is that she was as independent as they go. she never wanted any assistance with anything. she always had a can-do attitude, but my earliest memory of her is speaking to my parents about how she was not long for this world. from about 70 onwards, she continuously thought she would die soon, albeit no real health problems or reasons. my grandfather passed at the age of 51, before i was born. i assumed this was the reason behind her thoughts that she wouldn't live very long.

i spent a lot of time with my grandmother when i was young. she would help me learn ukrainian. we would spend hours reading and writing together. in turn, as all grandmothers do, she would hand me some cash for spending time with her. in her earlier days, she loved to cook for the family. she would make perogies, cabbage rolls, chicken, and lots of ukrainian style deserts. she always knew what my favourite foods were and whenever we visited, would always have them on hand.

when we moved to niagara, my parents had built an in-law suite apartment in the basement for her to move in. my parents sold her gigantic st. catharines home and she moved in with us in 2007. my grandmother fell in love with my cat and the two became inseparable. she would take care of him, take him outside in the backyard, and fill in for me when i couldn't be with him.

in june of 2011, she left the house to watch me graduate from brock university with my bacherlor of arts degree. this was an amazing feat as she did not like to stray too far from home for very long. her usual stops were to the grocery store or bank for a short period of time.

when my brother and i moved out in 2011, the house was empty. shortly after this, my grandmother and my cat fell ill. perhaps the two of them, as old as they were, became stricken with grief of an empty house. we'll never quite know for sure.

when my parents returned home from ireland in october 2014, my grandmother told them she was having problems. this was a first. my family has a proven track record of never telling anyone that we are sick or assume that eventually, we'll get over whatever it is we have. she consistently told my parents she was fine until after they came home from ireland. she was probably not fine before they left.

soon after, nurses came in daily to spend time with my grandmother who wasn't eating and had no energy. she spent a lot of time in bed, maybe eating part of a meal the entire day. she grew thinner and thinner for an already very petite, very thin, very frail woman. in november 2014, the entire family got together as things were not looking well. my grandmother continued to refuse service from support workers and was on a handful of prescribed medication, making it difficult for my parents to take care of her. we all wished that things would get better and my grandmother never lost her can-do attitude. "maybe i will beat this yet", she uttered, several times throughout the month.

my parents were worried that my grandmother may not even recognize me, when i was home in november. the medication she was on made her very loopy and forgetful. but when she saw me, her eyes lit up. she knew exactly who i was. i'll always remember that smile. she told me how beautiful i looked and wished me all the best.

the night of december 23 was a very bad night. she was very ill and did not sleep the entire night. on the afternoon of december 24, the nurses came in and said she was doing alright. she even ate more than she normally does. but as soon as the nurses left, my grandmother took a turn for the worst. within about an hour of me arriving home for the holidays, i took one last look at my grandmother and that was the end. it was sudden and nobody was prepared for it. the nurses didn't even believe it at first.

when it was all over, i took one final look at her, in bed, at peace. she did it on her own terms. she realized she finally needed help as she wasn't able to get out of bed on her own or walk without assistance. mentally, i think she knew it was time.

the funeral and church service are scheduled for monday morning. 

RIP Grandma
January 5, 1922 - December 24, 2014

thank you for everything.

the year everything ended in november

you might recall about a year ago, i was in a really bad place. i wrote countless blog posts about how everything in my life, including, well, me living a life, turned to absolute shit very quickly.

it was a combination of falling ill for 6+ months and losing my job where i wasn't sure things could get any worse. but let this be a lesson to everyone: the minute you think nothing is going to get worse from where you are, you're wrong. so very wrong. when you're ill for 6+ months, you pick up other sicknesses on the way and lose any and all hope you ever had that you were going to get better at some point. you lose track of who you are, physically and mentally. i got lucky that the severity of my symptoms were limited and that it was diagnosed and treated correctly the first time without my body rejecting the antibiotics. i got lucky that i had a strong family and friends base to keep me going. but it became arduous to keep on explaining to anyone who asked what was wrong with me. i wanted to believe it was something more than what the doctors kept telling me. how did everyone else get over this easily? why was it only me that had these issues? why was i the only one who needed to be hospitalized several times with no end in sight?

"why me?" was a phrase i uttered too many times during the course of treatment. nurses and doctors continued to greet me with looks of disappointment.  

"i thought i told you the last time you were here that i didn't want to see you again" i wish i had an answer. "

you might just have to be on antibiotic treatment for the rest of your life" were words that chill me to the bone to this day.

and maybe it was the stress of my job. or maybe it was that dude i was with awhile back i knew nothing about. maybe it's diet. maybe it's environmental factors. whatever it was, i wouldn't wish what i went through on anyone. i'd be a very happy girl if i never had to set foot in a doctor's office or hospital again.

a year ago, the life i had was taken from me abruptly and i was now bound to a life of "sorry, i can't hang out, i'm in the hospital". i'll always remember november 2013 of the worst month of my life up until that point.

but by january 2014, things began to change yet again. symptoms persisted and i knew i had to be strong. i was hired on at a job which i love, despite me not being able to make rent. i pressed on to events i wanted to go to and simpsons trivia nights that let us win first place a number of times. in july, i met a great dude who wasn't from the internet. yes, a real dude. and he's showing me what a real relationship is supposed to be like. it's amazing and only continues to get better as time goes on.

so, maybe things have to reach an all time low at some point before things ever start to get better. just try not to be deceived when what you think is the bottom ends up to be actually be further than you thought.

and i can't breathe deeply enough to fill me with every disappointment

i think everyone has that one album they listen to when life is both good and bad. it's your fallback. that one album that can give you the highest of highs but also make you feel as sad as you want to be, given the circumstances.

that band for me is misery signals and the album is of malice and the magnum heart. 

yes, it's screamy. yes, it's loud. yes, it's fantastic. but after every happy moment in my life and every disappointment, this album was here for me, ready to be played. every heartache. every fight. every wake up routine. every walk to a job interview. every exciting moment. and the few times i've been able to see misery signals live were incredible, minus the original members that made the actual album, as the band changed members continuously after the album.

so, when misery signals decided to do a 10 year anniversary reunion tour playing of malice and the magnum heart from start to finish, you can bet i was there that wonderful night at the opera house on august 23, 2014. and as the playlist went on and i fought back tears from all of those disappointing memories rushing back, i realized this album was the only album that got me through the last 10 years.

and i know i wasn't the only one who felt this way. a sold out crowd at the opera house could tell you the same thing. although i'd like to say that my life, moving forward, will no longer have any associated disappointment, at least i know i'll have a contingency plan that will keep me fighting the good fight.

this is not my favourite song but it shows just how amazing the band and the crowd was that night. listen to the full album of malice and the magnum heart here.

the other woman

when i saw you the other night, i wasn't sure how to react.

the days when we used to talk were the highlights of my life in a rough time. and you were there to make it better without ever actually being around. and i guess i was the same for you. there was always talk of moving forward, of taking things in a different direction, to a place where i wouldn't have to see you from across the room. i'd always be staring at half of your face, the back of your head, or if i was lucky, your ass. apparently, it was the same for you.

it was difficult for me to understand how we got along as well as we did without ever interacting face to face. it was difficult for me to understand why someone like you would want anything to do with me. it was difficult for me to understand why you said some of the things you said. and it was even more difficult for me to come to terms that, whatever it was we were doing, was only going to be that. those things you had talked about before and promised me were just a lie to get you off. and while i did come to terms with that earlier than you probably expected me to, part of me continued to hope that someday, we would. i wouldn't have agreed to be anyone else's other woman except for yours, and i meant that.

so, when i saw you the other night with some other girl hanging off your arm, i didn't know how to react. in fact, it's a fluke i even saw you. for some reason or another, i had an ache to look back. it's like i knew you were there, following me out of the bar. i know you saw me. you looked awkward for seeing me with another girl hanging off you, which i knew wasn't your girlfriend. was she the other, other woman? probably not. you had told me once that she gets drunk and hits on you. and for some reason, you just take it. you take it because it's available to you and familiar. you take it because it's nothing. you take it because you're unhappy with everything you do and everyone you're ever involved with. and i hate myself for knowing that i liked you because of those reasons.

but i didn't know what to do. there you were, with her, following me down the street, while i walked with one of the only dudes left in my life who is leaving me for the summer. part of me wanted to yell at you. part of me wanted to talk to you. part of me wanted to punch you. and part of me wanted to cry, just because that should have been me and never was. though you had this hold over me, you weren't worth any tears. at least i had that going for me.

i could've turned to my weekend boyfriend and grabbed his hand. i could've grabbed his face and madeout passionately in front of you. i could've done a lot of things, but instead, i did nothing. i continued to walk with my dude away from you and that's how it was always meant to be; me with someone who keeps things easy, and you, with someone you've been unhappy with for over a year but not willing to do anything about it.

and i could go on to blame this hold you had on me as to the reasons why building relationships with anyone over the past year had been so difficult for me. that measly shred of hope thinking that you'd come around someday made me miss out on several opportunities with dudes showing an interest in me. it's the reason why some things didn't evolve. it's the reason i declined others. it's the reason why so many of my romantic endeavors over the past year have been so fucked up.

i realized this long ago and had no idea how to get out of it until you presented an opportunity. there it was: something you did which warranted me to get really upset with you for the last time. no longer was i going to put up with your shit. and it was easy, like pulling off a band-aid. with just a few words, you were out of my life. and i was ready to focus on dudes that were real, rather than someone i'd see across a room and share awkward glances with.

when i turned around again, you were gone.

maybe i had imagined the entire thing. we'll never know for sure.

it's not me, it's them

i came across this article today, in light of all the elliot rodger stuff, and it made me feel like i should probably share my worst moments with some of the dudes i've been involved with over the years.

although something happened to me yesterday that warranted a blog post just revolving around one dude in particular, i'm going to expand to include a few more to shed some light on how it sucks to be a nice girl in the dating world. hold onto your hats! (or keyboards, or phones, or whatever.. this is gonna be a wild ride.)

1) i once dated a dude for a little over a summer who thought the world was going to end in 2012, didn't believe in climate change (something that i was extremely passionate about, come on), and was convinced that his dad who passed away was a ghost in his parents' bedroom, where he would greet the ghost every time he walked by his parents' bedroom. i put up with all of these quirky characteristics because, at the time, i didn't know how to date. as time wore on, he had all of these ideas that we were going to be together forever and travel the world. he was mid to late twenties with a going nowhere job and i was early twenties just trying to get my BA. i broke up with him a few months before i left for new zealand, citing that i was leaving and wasn't sure when i would be back (an outright lie, i knew exactly when i was returning) and he didn't take it well. years later, he dates a girl who i used to work with. whenever we worked together, people mistakenly thought we were the same person.

2) i went on a date with a friend of  a friend during my first month in the city. i had met him at a party and thought he was mildly attractive, so i decided to give him my number. we went out for drinks and i'm not sure i said more than four words the entire night. this is when i realized that i can't stand dudes who over talk me or interrupt me when i'm speaking. we ended up at a friend's event near my place and go back to my place for some reason, probably to play games because he was super nerdy. but he took the "let's play games" as a "let's makeout" and after 5 minutes of super awkward making out, i said i was tired and kicked him out.

over the next few months, i'd get weekly calls and texts from him to hang out. rarely, i would respond. one day, he propositioned to take me to a show i really wanted to see but was too god damned expensive. he had tickets already and offered them up to me for free. i declined. "free" means "sex" and buddy, that wasn't going to happen. eventually, he stopped texting me but would facebook me on occasion until i removed him from facebook also. i run into him a couple times a year at mutual friends' events and he still says that he wants to hang out and catch up. take a hint.

3) i get a message on plenty of fish from a dude that looks oddly familiar. oh, it's that dude that dated one of my friends in high school for a little while. you moved up the street from me? cool. let's hang as i'm 99% sure we're just gonna hang as friends and i wouldn't have touched you even if you hadn't dated one of my friends before. the entire night feels like two long lost friends catching up. he offers to go back to his place and play games. seriously. is this where i go wrong? I JUST WANT TO PLAY GAMES. he makes a move on me and i push him away. he tells me i clearly wanted it because of what i'm wearing. i'm wearing knee-length jean shorts and a v-neck. yes. i wanted you based off what i'm wearing. i couldn't get out of there fast enough.

4) i used to frequent a radio chat at my old job. a bunch of folks known as regulars at various offices downtown toronto would talk about music, politics, food, beer, whatever, and it became my solace at my job. somehow, i get to talking to a new dude and exchange emails. the same day, i pass along my number to him. i'm still at work. within the two hours from my last hour of work until the time i got home, he had texted me over ten times. i responded a couple of times when i got home only to get more replies about things i didn't care about. not this again. i stop responding. the next day, i get about thirty text messages from him. i don't respond at all. the following day, he texts me another four times before i text back asking, "who is this?" and he responds with who he is and how we know each other. i respond back with "no, i don't know anyone named that, i just got this number" and i never hear from him again until a few days later when he emails me asking what happened to me. in true fashion, i didn't respond. this thing called silence? it means "no". 

5) a dude messages me on plenty of fish in early january and identifies himself to me as a recruiter after several messages back and forth. as i had just come back from a stint of being horribly sick, was still undergoing testing, and was still unemployed, i decided to give this dude a chance at helping me find a job and maybe a friendship. after what seemed like way too many emails and me in a constant flaking mood since i was still feeling terrible all the time, i finally gave up my number. we met once for coffee and to discuss my resume. similar to dude #2 above, i probably got in about four words the entire night. i was not attracted and didn't think i could even have a friendship with this dude. but he WAS a recruiter, so maybe he could find me a job.

every day, he would send me job postings and links to job things i should know. he fixed my resume and kept asking for feedback. every other day, he would text me and ask to hang out. slow down, dude. i'm just coming back from the brink of almost dying a few months ago - i told you this - maybe you should, i don't know, back off a little. i'd respond, about weekly, to his emails regarding my job search. i would never respond to his texts. when i received a job offer and started my job without the help of him, i told him i got a job and he offered to take me out for a beer to celebrate. ugh, okay. fine. we met up again for a beer and while he rambled on about things i didn't care about, i quickly finished my couple of beers (because he had ordered another one for me without even asking if i had wanted another one) and got out of there as fast as i could. the next day, he texts asking to go see a movie. i tell him no. a few days later, he texts again asking to get a drink. i don't respond. every week from then on, he texts me at least twice a week asking to hang out. i never respond. then, one day, he gets the nerve to call me. while i'm at work. i don't talk to people on the phone unless they're good friends or relatives. i actually feel like this when i get a phone call. when i don't answer, he sends me a text and asks if i'm getting his texts because he hasn't heard from me. this goes on for what seems like MONTHS until one day, i tell him to stop messaging me, and he FINALLY does.

earlier this week, i log into my linkedin for the first time in a long time and notice that he was one of the people who had viewed my profile. fuck. i still have him on linkedin. i remove him immediately. yesterday, i get an email from him asking if i want to get a drink. i respond that i'm not interested and for him to stop messaging me. he says that i should stop looking at his linkedin profile. i tell him i had to because that's how you remove people from your linkedin. he replies and starts an email argument with me, saying that i'm "not a nice person". uhhh. i forgot to mention that this dude is a rob ford supporter - so i probably should've stopped the conversation right then and there, but i played on.

i told him that it was cool that he thought i wasn't a nice person because i didn't want to hang out with him. he told me that i'm "weird and unkempt" - that he was "more excited about my profession than i am" and the list went on. sorry. i'm weird? let's put things into perspective here. not once did i ever request to hang out with him. not once was i ever flirty or out of line in any of the maybe six phrases i said in the times we hung out.

of course, this was the most complete bullshit defense tactic in rejection - taking stabs at the other person's appearance and demeanor, even though it was him who kept making remarks about my "hot body" and how he liked that i dressed "casual". and because i wasn't going to take this bullshit, i responded:

"Cool story bro. You think I'm weird and unkempt? You love to make no sense. You don't know how to take "no" for an answer. You don't know how to take silence as a no. You don't know anything about keeping distance or realizing that you aren't liked by someone. And THAT part makes sense, considering you're a Ford supporter. You're the one who constantly badgered me to hang out or talk when I was clearly NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT. Not of a friendship. Not of dating. Not even really of you trying to find me a job, which you failed at anyway. You're going to play the defensive card and call me out on being weird? I have news for you buddy, maybe take a step back and analyze how people perceive you and how terrible of a person you really are." 

he replied back, calling me psycho and that i should go watch some cartoons. my only response was: "you're a child. grow the fuck up." 

HE RESPONDS BACK TWICE.

i didn't respond to either of them. they weren't worth my time.

so yes, in these cases, it's totally not me; it's them.

a life together

i once dated a dude who had his life together.

at the time, my life was far from together. all i remember thinking whenever we hung out was that i couldn't be with this dude because, well, he had his life together and i didn't. he had a steady job he liked. he had an income that allowed him to have a car in the city and live in a fancy apartment without struggling to pay his bills. and me? i was trying to figure life out as a starving post-grad living in the city for the first time. the kicker was that he didn't go to school and he was my age, yet had all of this, life togetherness, the thing i've been yearning for since birth, figured out already.

in conversations with friends, i'd mention how he wasn't the only dude i was dating at the time. but i'd also mention how different each of the dudes i was dating at the time were and how they each made me feel differently. i liked hanging out with him and the sex was incredible. but as time wore on, i had every excuse waiting for the inevitable ride home and not let him spend the night. where was this future going? is that what we were even doing? past relationships and the future of us were never discussed, but with him, i wasn't sure a future would even be possible. i couldn't understand what it was that kept him coming back to me. i was always available and yet, we still didn't even manage to hang as much as one would've thought since i started to lean away from him and into another dude where a future seemed more likely.

so when that other dude didn't end up the way it was meant to be, mr. life together was still hanging out, waiting for me. and as i was still picking up the pieces of myself, he sat me down for the first time and asked me where things were going. he talked to me about settling and i stared at him, nearly dropping my beer in disbelief. why now? why me? my life, at this time, was even less together than it ever was and he was willing to see past all of that. although he was not aware of my recent fall out with the other dude, (of which the two of them managed to meet once and i was essentially scared and couldn't stop grinning the entire time) he had no idea that i was not in any shape to settle down with anyone, even someone as loving and forgiving as he had been to me over the course of our dating life. i shook my head. i wouldn't and couldn't rebound into him. that wouldn't be fair to anyone involved.

the next time we hung out, i had no excuses to not bring him home with me. unfortunately, he did. and i couldn't even fight it. he had made his choice and i had made mine. what i didn't know then, was that dudes with their life together are uhh.. elusive and don't come around very often.

the irony of this story is that back when my life was an entire fuck up of epic proportions was also the time when i was at the peak of desirability.  my life (and me) needed saving and each of the dudes i had picked for that saving either made things better or worse, depending on the timing and situation. and now that i'm mildly self sufficient and have my life together? i don't need to be saved anymore, i just need someone around to open jars and reach items on the top shelf.

last year, i ran into mr. life together on two separate occasions where he was attending with his girlfriend but she wasn't with him when we exchanged pleasantries. unfortunately, i'm not a girl who waits around for dudes.

it wasn't me back then and it's not me now; i think i've come to terms with that.

but i'd probably throw that all away in a second for one more chance to hold his hand.

woo hoo classic simpsons trivia 2: electric boogaloo

i've mentioned before how awesome simpsons trivia is and how it's now a staple in my monthly budget of going out and having fun.

and in less than a year of finding a team, meeting some of the best new friends, and coming in second place for too many months in a row, i'm proud to finally say we came in first place for may trivia!!

donuts!!

team "born to runner up"

yes, the irony was that our team name was "born to runner up" and we came in first place. winning by a 4 point margin was also amazing. getting the front table next month will be sweet.

we also got really fun calendars for winning.

i keep it at my desk at work where i need the most cheering up.

2014, you are doing a really good job of redeeming yourself for the shit i had to put up with in 2013. keep these good times coming, please.

if you can't get on my need for simpsons trivia in my life, i can't get on you.

time stops

i've just spent my first entire year out of school.

and in that year i:

- started something with a dude
- went to vegas
- ended something with a dude
- spent forever job hunting
- started something with a dude
- started something with a dude
- had a wonderful summer without a job
- got a real job
- got really sick
- saw my favourite band ever live for the first time 
- got fired from the real job
- almost died due to sickness 
- spent two months sober
- recovered from sickness
- got hired at a new job
- celebrated 3 months at the new job
- ended something with a dude
- pretty much ended something with a dude

for the first time in a long time, i'm not seeing anyone. this includes any physical or emotional relationships that were barely anything to begin with. i have no dudes. and it's actually one of the best feelings i've had in a long time.

a lot can change in a year because timing is everything.

i'm just happy to be alive.

the girlfriend gene

i probably don't say it enough, but i'm so thankful for my family.

my parents are amazing people who have been able to handle me both at my best and at my worst with unconditional love. they give me hope when i feel like i have none. i can say the same thing about my brother who, as of the past few years, has been a major influence in my life. watching us grow up from disliking each other entirely to becoming as close as we are now has essentially shaped the girl i am over the last five years.

i've talked about how my brother and i are very similar in both personality and stature, but we also deal with romantic endeavors the same way. now, you might think it's weird that we do, but you have to understand that although my parents have been happily married for 32 (!!!) years now, i can't say that anyone else in my family or extended family has been that lucky. my half sister was only recently married a few years ago and things aren't great for her. my one half brother doesn't seem like the kind of dude that can even talk to girls. my other half brother married a, for lack of a better term, a slut, way too early and divorced. his kid (my nephew) is only growing up totally fucked because of it, but i love the kid. my brother's relationships have a tendency to end shitty, if you can call some of them relationships. and then there's me.

yesterday, while at the bar watching the jays game, i asked about my brother's.. kind of.. sort of.. not really girlfriend. things were not well. he went on to tell me about some other girl problems in his life and the only conclusion we could make of it was that the both of us only seem to be attracted to people with problems. while that's probably true for him, i don't believe it is for me.

since i moved to toronto, i've engaged in only one form of relationship: polyamory. and i've said it before: gone are the days when one person can give me everything i need. it's not a race to see how many dudes i can fuck (contrary to the film nymphomaniac) in that my desire to be with different dudes is not always sexual. but even if you take away all of the issues i have with commitment and intimacy, i bet i still wouldn't have the girlfriend gene, or be girlfriend material.

this is just the way it has always been. despite multiple times in my life where i know i've only wanted to be with one dude, that's not how it works. i can never express how i want things to be because it scares me too much. but, let's face it, the few times when i was forced into girlfriendism, or girlfrienditis, if you will, i was not in favour of either. in these situations, i didn't have a choice. and the right choice was to not go that route. however, with forced girlfriendism, it's always the wrong choice and part of the reason why i continue to engage in polyamory.

i've discussed this issue in great detail with several friends over the past couple weeks. one of who told me that the girl he's been dating for awhile now seems like total girlfriend material, but his words to me were that he's "just not feeling it." another, who continues to keep in contact with an ex and occasionally fuck, even though the two of them (and the entire world) knows that they shouldn't. and yet another, who has switched gears entirely and no longer wants to just fuck around with anyone, but rather, date. and i mean, maybe we're just getting to that age when relationships change to, what i can only hope, is for the better.

but when you lack a girlfriend gene, it's difficult to know when something will come along. as things started off quite slow with a dude i was starting to really enjoy spending time with, eventually, he told me he wasn't having any of it. this can also be said for a dude i had hung out with a couple of times who, upon the next time, decided to tell me he wasn't looking for a relationship. that's all well and good, but when did i ever express an interest in starting a relationship with you? it's almost like a slap in the face. "hey, i know we're hanging out and having a good time but i'm not interested in doing stuff... even though i'm not sure if that's what you want to do or not yet"  yeah? well, that's nice.

what i don't think i'll ever know is what about me screams these things to dudes. when did i ever send you a vibe that i wanted to date you? that time i said  you were attractive? that time i flirted with you? don't flatter yourself. not to ruin nymphomaniac for anyone, but there's a scene i definitely identified with that needs to be talked about here.

in the scene, it shows the leading lady in various cut scenes having sex, 1 on 1, with a dude, and achieving an orgasm. in the cut scenes that follow the sex, she pillow talks and gives the exact same line to every dude she just had an orgasm with: "i don't know if it means anything, but i've never had an orgasm before; you're my first."

no, i haven't said anything quite like this before, but the fact that she says it to every dude is something i know i've done before. not about achieving an orgasm (because yes, i've had more than one) but just in general, my damn flirty nature. i don't use the same lines but i feel as though it can confuse the dudes i'm with, especially if i'm flirty and don't want anything sexual.

maybe as i continue to grow up, i'll somehow fall into this girlfriend gene. if not for me, but for at least my parents' sake of seeing their daughter settle down with the right dude someday.

baseball is back and so are baseball bros

after what felt like the longest winter ever, baseball is finally back and i'm pretty happy about that.

this year, i had the privilege of going to the first night of opening weekend at skydome for the jays vs yankees. with a sold out crowd of over 48,000 screaming fans, it was an experience, to say the least.

now, depending on how often you read my blog and how well you actually know me, let's get one things straight: i like sports, but i love baseball. i wouldn't say i hate hockey but i'll watch it and occasionally follow it if something that isn't the leafs piques my interest, especially if i land tickets for a game. i follow basketball and the raptors as much as i can and try to get to a game a season. but baseball? that's my game. i lose track of how many games i end up going to in a season and occasionally play in fantasy baseball pools. yes, i know baseball. and yes, i know that blurs the line of stereotypical gender roles, but i think i crossed that line 25 years ago.

most games, you'll see me there with my brother. we share the same passion for baseball and the same disgust for humanity when we go to games. baseball bros. baseball bros everywhere. my brother and i are two tiny people. we like quiet things and lost our rowdiness phase long ago. we talk baseball and i look around at the rest of the fans in our section who are more inclined to chirp players or talk about how hot the girls sitting in the next row are.

yes, attractive people go to games. not all of them are going to be that interested in baseball or know anything about baseball, but it's a social activity that everyone should try once. people who enjoy baseball are going to be more than willing to explain things going on to someone that doesn't understand what's happening. and most likely, we're not going to try to make a move on you while we're explaining the rules to you; unless you ask a baseball bro.

what i've noticed in the amount of games i've been to is that, if you're a baseball bro, you're one for life. you get really drunk at the game. you might actually know things about the game, but most of the time, you don't. you yell and scream when bad plays happen. you talk louder than everyone else. you white boy dance and carry on. you check out every hot girl around you. you spend more time hanging out in lines getting beer and checking out girls not in the stands rather than watching the game. you probably came to the game with like 6 other baseball bros who are all doing the same thing. you're more likely to jump on the field streaking. you're more likely to get complaints and be escorted out of the game. you're more likely to be hated by everyone around you. and you're everywhere, in every section, whether you're in the lower 100s or upper 500s.

since i've grown up in an era of mindfulness and rampant femininity/masculinity, i can safely say that i've never been attracted to a baseball bro, or wanted to be. it's toxic masculinity, and these are the kinds of people i don't need in my life. these baseball bros are typically the dudes who use terrible pick up lines to pick up girls at the game. these are the dudes that believe because girls are looking at them, that the girls are interested in them.

as i stood in one of the beer lines on friday, i looked around to realize i was the only girl standing in either of these beer lines. a tv hooked up to the wall is playing the game, so i'm turned around to watch it while i wait in line. when i look back, the older, bald man with a pot belly standing in front of me is smiling at me and attempts to talk to me. i awkwardly small talk with him and turn back to watch the game. just then, two baseball bros get in line directly behind me and talk about how they aren't going to be able to make it to the club tonight. they drunkenly discuss logistic planning of how they're getting home and the one makes a comment about how i'm glued to the screen. i simply smile and quietly reply that i like baseball. they stop talking to me and go back to checking out the girls walking by. i turn back around to see the beer line hasn't moved and security is removing a guy from the line because he's too drunk and is causing a scene. the two guys behind me panic and wonder if they are also too drunk. they decide they are and leave the line.

i get a beer and head back to my seat, passing by all kinds of baseball bros on the way who are standing around checking out girls, most of them rating the girls as they walk by. i'm sorry, when did this become okay to do? this is not a club. most of these girls aren't here to get laid. what are the chances you're actually going to pick up a girl doing this? you know that thing.. where you actually have to talk to girls to have sex with them? this is not the place where you can just grind up behind a girl and take her home with you (although i wouldn't be surprised if this started happening at jays games in the future). i'm sure i was rated a 2 because i wasn't in a jays jersey with leggings and uggs and long hair and a jays hat and wasn't drunk and wasn't checking out the dudes rating girls as they walked by. but that's totally okay, because if i was rating those dudes too, they'd also be about a 2. i go to a jays game so i can watch baseball, not try to pick up a dude. and yes, there are A LOT of attractive dudes at these games

i waited to get back to my seat and watched as 2 drunken, belligerent dudes weren't listening to the staff member at the top of the stairs who told everyone to wait until the play was over to go back to their seats. the one sneaks by the staff member while the other is stopped by the staff member. the dude who is stopped then makes an extremely rude and racist comment to the staff member and all i wanted to do was punch the bro for his remark. i was impressed by the staff member who was probably around my age, for holding his own and not becoming upset about this drunken bro's comment. i imagine this wouldn't be the only time some drunk bro would be yelling racist comments at him during the season, and i actually felt bad.

later on, i noticed two more drunken, belligerent dudes making a scene about changing seats. these guys had to be at least mid-40s and were more drunk than any of the young bros in my section. one of them nearly wipes out going up the stairs. once a bro, always a bro.

just.. pay attention to the game.. please. you have better odds that the jays will win the game than you successfully picking up a hot girl at the game.

an open letter to my loud neighbours

dear apartment 304,

i'd like to start by telling you how we've been neighbours for almost three years now. do you know what that means? it means i've been putting up with your noise for almost three years. in my first year living here, i didn't really know how to react. this was my first apartment. this was my first year in toronto. when i lived in a residence, it was easy for me to yell at my neighbours to shut the fuck up and they would hear me, despite the concrete walls separating rooms. unfortunately, no matter how much i yell through my wall at you to shut the fuck up, you never do.

see, here's the thing: you're louder than i am. i'm not loud. i'm pretty quiet. sure, i can have fun and be social. when i have conversations with friends in my apartment, i'm having a conversation, not a yelling match while we sit next to each other. and these walls? how do you not realize they are paper thin? you know all the construction they do in this building and all the noise? you have to hear it too all the time. it can't just be us.

the first year we were neighbours came and went. i put up with your shit. by the time the second year rolled around, i realized i couldn't function unless i had actually slept. i had early class. i had early work. i had a real job. i slept very lightly. between you, my roommate, and general toronto city noise, i was constantly woken up. do you remember that time you had people over at 4am on a weekday? do you remember how fucking loud you were? i bet you don't. but i sure do. you were so loud that i took a shoe and just banged the wall as loud as i could until you got the fucking memo to shut the fuck up. eventually, you did. it was at this point where i was ready to write you an extremely passive-aggressive note to shut the fuck up during weekdays. but, i held off.

i started using this "bang on the wall until you shut up" technique any time you woke me up and it was an unreasonable hour. for the most part, it worked. the only times when i didn't do this was when you were having loud sex.

remember those paper thin walls? remember how you're loud? remember how your sex is not a porno? yes, it got to a point where i could tell you were faking it. listen, lady. your boyfriend doesn't need the encouragement every single time you have sex. and also, no one has that much great sex all the time. it just doesn't happen. and yes, i know those moans and groans quite well. that's how i know you're faking it. but if i can hear you fake it, it means you're being too fucking loud. there's this thing.. i don't know if you know it, but it's called quiet sex. it's called intimate sex. i can never hear your boyfriend, so for him, it must never be that good. that's why you should definitely stop what you're doing.

this week alone, you've woken me up four different times at unreasonable hours. maybe you're yelling at someone on the phone. maybe you're having loud sex. maybe you're just yelling at each other because you can. maybe you're doing whatever it is the fuck you're doing, but still yelling at each other. that's REAL fucking annoying. even when my roommate and i have people over, you don't hear us. when my roommate and i are in my room talking, you don't hear us. when i'm having sex with a dude, you don't hear us. and i've had some great sex in this apartment. you've still never heard it.

you see, back in kindergarten, we were taught to use our indoor voices and that voices carry. were you not brought up this way? do you not understand that you are the reason why people move in on this floor and move out within the year? it's because i'm not the only neighbour you have. you also share a wall with the apartment directly across the hall from me. i can count at least five people who have moved in and moved out of that apartment over the past three years. we've run into other neighbours on this floor who complain about how loud you are. my roommate and i have come home nights only to hear you "having a party" with what is probably just the two of you and you're so loud that it just sounds like you're actually in the hallway and not in your apartment.

so, last night, when you woke me up at 2am with your loud sex, i was pissed off. i took a shoe and banged on the wall. what did you do? you didn't shut up. you actually banged on the wall back. no, i don't want to join in on your loud sex. i want you to shut the fuck up. i want to sleep without hearing it. after that, i never heard you again. and that's how it should be. i shouldn't hear you in your apartment ever.

seriously, don't make me actually print this blog post and put it in your mailbox. one more incident like this and i'm going to do it.

sincerely,
apartment 303.

dear ontario government/city of toronto, thanks for nothing

i'd just like to thank the ontario government/city of toronto for fucking me over royally.

i couldn't afford to live in toronto after i finished school last april, so in june/july, i applied for social assistance and was accepted. they offered me some basic money every month that didn't cover my rent, but at least it helped a bit. they were supposed to give me money for volunteering. they didn't. i'm with one worker until i get my job in august.

when i got a full time job in august, they gave me money for 2 more months, once because i didn't get my first pay until the end of my first month of work and the second time because i was unaware i had to report my income every month to them, even though they knew i had a full-time, well-enough paying job. they were supposed to tack on more money for volunteering. they didn't. they were supposed to give me money for getting a job - a, "here, buy some nice clothes and get a haircut for your new job" - and they only gave me half. so i thought. i'm passed to another worker at this point, who i never meet.

3 months go by and i'm out of a job. i leave toronto for almost the entirety of november and come back in december to call social assistance and get back on it. turns out i have too much money now and i'm not eligible. uh, okay. also, i had been transferred to yet another worker. i call back in january to this new worker when i have less money. okay, i'm eligible. they go back and give me money for december. they give me the full amount for that clothes thing, which they mistakenly didn't give me before. at all. they tack on the volunteering amount and now i can roughly make my rent costs without much of a struggle. i can't afford much else, but i can at least afford a roof over my head.

two days later, after all of this is settled and i'm told all of my money problems have been rectified and i'm actually a file in their system now, i get a new job. a part time job that doesn't pay well. i notify the correct people and am told i'll be transferred to ANOTHER worker who i've yet to meet. i report my income for february and they continue to give me a fair amount of money. well, look at that! i can kind of afford things! not a lot of things. but things. in march, i don't make that much more than i do in february and i figure they'll give me the same amount. a few days ago, i received a letter booking me for an updated appointment to meet my new worker. on a tuesday morning. hey uh, remember that job i have and stuff? the one i told the last worker about - that i work monday to friday, AT LEAST 9am-2pm? yeah. i do. so why don't you?

i stopped in to see someone this afternoon and met with my new worker who looked about as young as i do. i had to essentially re-tell my entire life story to her because she knew nothing about me and didn't even bother to look at my file. i was already having the worst day so i was getting ready to just get up and walk away from her. she told me that she didn't receive my income report even though i mailed it out. then i told her how much i made and she said i probably wouldn't be eligible for this month because i made too much money. excuse me?

as per EVERY SINGLE WORKER I'VE DEALT WITH SO FAR, she made a comment about how my phone number is still a niagara number. yes, it's long distance. yes, you're the fucking city of toronto, i'm PRETTY SURE YOU CAN AFFORD A LONG DISTANCE CALL TO ME OCCASIONALLY. she went on to tell me that i hadn't been given the volunteering amount of money yet. YET. IT HAD BEEN AT LEAST THREE MONTHS SINCE I HAD TRIPLE CONFIRMED THAT I'D GET THAT MONEY. which means i also probably didn't get the "hey go buy new clothes and get a haircut because you got a job again" money.

oh, then i was eligible for this month. FOR 14 FUCKING CENTS. 

let this be a lesson to everyone: even if you're low income/no income, you'll still get fucked over by the people who are supposed to give you money because you're low income/no income.

fuck. you.

anxiety & mental health

since i moved to toronto, i've become increasingly aware of the mental health issues everyone in my life faces. anxiety, depression, stress-related, and fear - whether they're out in the open or hidden away, everyone, including myself, has suffered through it at one time or another. for some people, it's ongoing.

there's no cure. there's no way to just "get over it." it's all different. it's irrational. it's rational. it's your brain. it's your body. it's your situation. it's your experiences. it is what it is and there isn't any way around it. i've come to expect this. i've come to expect failed plans and miserable moods between friends. and i'm okay with that, because i know what they're dealing with.

when it's hidden, however, is a whole other story. i have some pretty irrational fears that are "normal" for someone my age. there are also certain things i refuse to do because of those fears. for instance, i can't kill a bug. i just can't. i'm so scared of them that i either just leave or get someone else to deal with it. big or small, bugs are a definite nope.

that's just one fear. another problem i've had since i was young was the inability to swallow pills. as you can imagine, when i was sick at various intervals in 2013 and was on antibiotic treatment for four months you can imagine the bind i was in. i can assure you that it never went well. i suffered through mini panic attacks every time i had to take a pill. there were times when i had to literally walk away from my attempt and come back ten minutes later and try again. and usually, in this second attempt, i would choke, causing things to be even worse. that was not a fun four months of my life.

i've watched over the past couple years how people deal with themselves and their brain. if it's hidden and they haven't received help, i've watched as they try to take their own lives. this has been a serious problem for me since about 2010.

it started when the dude i was with told me that he wanted to kill himself. he told me that he was joking, except i knew that he definitely wasn't. since the day he told me, i could never feel the same way about him because i knew he needed to get help. not only was his threat real (to me, despite him not seeing it yet) - he also suffered from terrible anger issues that put a strain on our relationship. you could probably say this is why i stayed with him for as long as i did. i wanted him to get help but he never listened. when it ended the way it did, i wasn't surprised and wished whoever it was he'd be with next wouldn't have to go through the same things i did.

the years that followed would be a whirlwind of me doing my best to help friends in need. i don't know why i am, but i seem to be a safety net. and even then, a few things will always be hidden away and out of reach until it's too late. i've lost a number of people in my life to suicide and others who were lucky enough to be rescued before an attempt could be made. i say "lucky" but i mean it in the loosest of terms. i know that sometimes, if there isn't a light at the end of that tunnel, there never will be, despite any and all attempts made to take that life.

so, when it happens to a relative, like it did to me about two weeks ago, forgive me for not being myself.

her anxiety issues were hidden away, as they are. and when one situation took her over the edge, she no longer saw a light at the end of her tunnel. fortunately, for all  of us, she was found and her attempt had been unsuccessful. it was later revealed the reason why she had tried and how the other relative had known about some of her anxiety, but not all.

we're all still a bit shaken up. my parents are strong people but i have no idea how they even deal with something like this. with me being sick for the later part of 2013 and my recovery, it was bad enough they had to see me go through that and be my support system through it all. for this to happen a couple months after, i worry about their mental health more than my own.

of course, it takes a toll on me too. but i know i'm strong and stable. i know i have to be for when others fall weak. so, maybe before you get mad at me for wanting to stay home on a friday night instead of getting drunk, there's probably a solid reason for me staying in.

i'm okay. i'm just worried about my relative's future mental health and hope that this won't happen again. and i'm an optimist, so i have to believe that it won't happen again.

please don't prove me wrong.

woo hoo classic simpsons trivia

in 2012, i made a craigslist missed connection post to a dude i saw on the subway one morning on my way to school. he was a mega hunk and we exchanged some flirtatious smiles and glances.

i received a shit ton of responses, but one dude in particular was convinced that it was him. after an exchange of pictures, it turns out it wasn't him, but he was cute enough that we became friends. it also ended up that he was from niagara and living in toronto. we had a few niagara friends in common and were probably at some of the same social gatherings once or twice but were never introduced.

several months pass and we don't really talk. he barely uses facebook until one day, he messages me and asks if i think i'd be any good at simpsons trivia. i was ecstatic. why yes, i'd probably be pretty decent at it.  he told me about woo hoo classic simpsons trivia toronto and i was stoked. i studied up and in july 2012, made it out to my first trivia night. it was the first time i had met this dude and he brought along a few friends on his team. i don't remember much about how we did in points or questions. i remember one question - what was the name of the babysitting service the simpsons used. yeah, you know, that one. rubber baby buggy bumper babysitting service. needless to say, i didn't get it then and i still had to look it up now.

two things i can definitely recall from the night: this dude was insanely attractive and this was the most fun i've had since moving to toronto. after it was all over, i became friends with the rest of the team and hoped to return the following month. unfortunately, that never seemed to happen. as much as i made attempts to get in touch with the team to go, they never responded. i was at a loss. i figured i'd never get to go again.

in may 2013, i round up a group of friends who know something about the simpsons and we make it out. we did pretty awful but still got something in the 15-20 point range. around this time, i started following some trivia related people on twitter and kept asking if i could join a team. i just wanted to participate in trivia so badly. eventually, i make plans to join a twitter dude's team on twitter and in july 2013, a friend and i ventured out to join this team. the dude himself wasn't actually there but everybody seemed to get along fine and i made some new friends.

i went again in august, october, december, january, and most recently, february. last night was the valentine's day edition. every month we seemed to do better and better but it was difficult to know whether or not we would place in the top 3. in september or november, when i missed those months, one of the winning teams graciously offered my team leftover donuts. my new goal was to at least be present when donuts were offered or, well, you know, actually come in the top 3 and get donuts for myself.

last night, we came in second place! donuts were glorious and surprisingly, i did the best i've ever done at trivia by knowing the answers to nearly 95% of all questions asked. born to runner up. next month, we place in first. with a perfect score (50/50) like the team first place team did in february.

donuts!!

new beginnings

in early january, i applied to an administrative assistant job  posting i saw for a green energy firm. three weeks later, i was called in for an interview, and two days later, after completing an aptitude test, i was hired on.

the following week, i started job shadowing and training. there's a lot to know but i feel like i have an actual idea what i'm doing this time. i also don't believe that it will be as stressful as my last job, seeing as though it's only going to be part-time for the time being.

i've opted for a  part-time commitment because i'm just not sure if i can go back to full-time work. although i haven't had any real symptoms in nearly a month, my fear still stands. i don't want the same thing happening. i can't go back to hospitals and antibiotics. i can't go through what i did again. i'm not interested in almost dying again.

my director knows that i could eventually go full-time. so getting more hours than anticipated for some weeks if things don't get completed in their entirety is a good possibility. in the mean time, it's almost as though i'm a supervisor. i look after reps and keep tabs on their performance. i'm the punctuality police. i'm their performance tracker. i'm their payroll administrator. i'm the management operations specialist. i'm the customer relations expert. i'm the information request extraordinaire. i'm all of these titles and more for a pay that doesn't nearly seem like enough. and yet, i am enjoying it way more than being a gruntwork analyst at my previous job. 

unfortunately, this means i've also turned into old lady amber again. i'm exhausted by the time i get home and i don't want to do anything except play video games and go to bed. i can make attempts to maximize my weekend hours.. but it's never enough.

i was introduced to the 100 happy days challenge and have decided to take part. unfortunately, i picked the wrong day. i start tomorrow officially, but here's a sneak peak. i bought two very toronto-esque books today - robyn doolittle's crazy town (all about rob ford) & olivia chow's my journey. i don't feel i've spent nearly enough time reading lately, even with my unemployed free time. these will help me unwind after work days and i'm already hooked on crazy town. the rob ford saga is something that continues to baffle me, day after day. i'll post #100happydays across both my facebook and twitter platforms, as well as this blog if the happy is substantial or has a good story.

i'm usually a pretty happy, optimistic girl. i don't get overwhelmed by negative emotions and i think that is something which keeps me happy most days. even when life tries to get me down, it might for a little bit, but i know ways to make me happy. so why am i participating in the challenge?

i just want to be thankful for what i have. i want other people to see what i see, that i can find the happiness and positive every day. i want my friends who are struggling with mental/physical illnesses to maybe find some happiness in the happiness i bring to life. i want to keep my optimism up. i've never actually participated in any kind of online challenge before and this seemed like a good way to start, considering those facebook challenge things going around right now where people make videos in their undies out in the cold weather, chug a beer, and nominate three other people to do the same in 24 hours isn't something i'd ever participate in... but that's just my preference.

so what was my happy yesterday?

the german grapefruit wheat beer i had at house on parliament. deliciousness knows no bounds.

i'm ready!

confessions of a skinny girl

thanksgiving,1988: my mom has an appointment for an ultrasound to check on her baby's development, 7 months into pregnancy. she finishes the appointment and makes an attempt to leave the hospital, but i wasn't having any part of that.

sometime later in the evening, i was born, weighing in at barely 4 pounds. the doctors immediately stuck me in an incubator and told my parents that due to the complicated nature of the fact that i was overly premature and most of my body wasn't quite right, i wouldn't be able to leave the hospital for awhile. they weren't even entirely sure i would survive. they weren't sure how i would grow up.

i progressed through the first few years of school as a problem child who refused to do anything i didn't consider fun. i was enrolled in a ukrainian boarding school where i couldn't stand ukrainian class. eventually, my parents took me out of that school and into a regular public school. but once i had applied myself, the faculty soon realized that i was too smart for my own good. now i was being bullied for being a small, skinny kid who was also really smart.

i wasn't sure why this kept happening. it wasn't my fault that i was skinny or intelligent. i ate as much as the next kid but never gained any weight. my parents had taught me how to eat healthy and it stuck with me because when i started eating like shit, i felt like shit. it was easy to see the connection that healthy food = a healthy, alive amber.

several schools approached me to enroll in gifted programs and instead, my parents decided to move to a remote area and let my brother and i grow up there. the public school gave me a gifted test and put me in different classes even though i had expressed no interest in those classes. as i got older, i kept trying to hide how skinny i was in loose fitting clothes. having to change for gym class and noticing that all of the other girls were much bigger than me was intimidating. i would once again be bullied for being small, even though i had a way with words to get out of almost any situation.

this continued to happen despite me never commenting on any other body but my own. am i supposed to be your size? am i not supposed to be wearing kid's sized clothes in grade 9? are you not supposed to be able to see my hips, collar bone, and ribs protrude out of my skin? well, i'm sorry. but that's just how it's always going to be. and if that meant a life of loneliness and constant bullying, i didn't care. the optimist in my knew that someday things would change.

i spent my teenage years with the same issues; people would shame me for being skinny and others would tell me that they'd kill for my body. let's just say that skinny shaming always outweighed the positive aspect. and over the last five years, i've been able to "put on weight" - where my hips and ribs weren't nearly as noticeable protruding out of my body. but i could just as easily take it off if i exercised or became sick.

at 5'6", a normal BMI should be anywhere from 118lbs to 130lbs. i can't ever recall a time where i came anywhere close to the 130 mark. even today, i still get skinny shamed. i get close friends telling me that i'll "never be able to finish that" or that i've "eaten a lot" - phrases that continuously irk me in numerous ways. in grade 10, i weighed 115lbs. a decade later, i weigh in at about 118lbs and that's after i had a life-threatening illness.

i keep seeing articles every day over the last little while where fashion magazines and photos are actually photoshopping women's bodies to be less skinny. less bony. more "normal" looking. we're shamed for being overweight, for being normal looking, and for being skinny. most of which is thrust upon us and cannot be changed without determination. there's issues for having a thigh gap. there's memes of hot dog legs and bikini bridges. society will always find something wrong with your body and i think that's totally fucked up.

my brother and i have been roughly the same size all our lives and yet, because he's a dude, he doesn't get the same kind of skinny shaming i have experienced. dudes have it a little easier but i'm not saying it's any better.

from what i've been through, i'm just happy to be alive.
love your body because it's the only one you have.

fear of intimacy

i'm watching season 2 of the simpsons and in one fish, two fish, blowfish, blue fish, homer eats a poisonous part of a fish and is given 24 (no.. 22) hours to live. on his list of things to do, he makes one of the top (but very end of his list) items to "be intamit with marge"...

and the more that i think about it, the more i'm developing anxiety over intimacy and sex. not at all related to my commitment phobia, but rather, the belief that consenting to any dude touching me is just going to make me sick.

i'm afraid that every doctor i've seen in nearly six months is overlooking something huge. the symptoms i began to experience in may seemed to be directly correlated to someone i was seeing at the time. although this dude did not last very long in my life (for good reason), i also knew next to nothing about him, as things like that were never discussed. his previous partners, his previous sexual experiences and encounters, as well as the last time he was tested, were never something we talked about.

but this was not the first time i had gotten myself into this kind of situation and foolishly expected nothing to come from it. i hadn't been this careless in a long time but since i knew it wasn't going to last, i tried to enjoy it while it did. in fact, i hardly ever have this conversation with any of the dudes i'm seeing unless things get lengthy or we've acknowledged that this is not a monogamous relationship. and now that i'm getting older, i suppose it's getting to a time where this should be one of the main things discussed before becoming intimate.

the main problem i face while going through this illness is that my commitment issues are running wild in more than just my love life. i'm having trouble committing to hanging out with friends or going out and doing things on my own for the fear of never knowing what kind of shape i'll be in at any hour of the day. this becomes even more difficult when prospective dudes and new friends want to hang out. this is even worse should i be required to meet a potential employer for a face-to-face interview.

there's only so many times where i can bail on friends before i turn into that flaky friend which i have never wanted to be. think about how hard it is from my point of view - from someone who thrives on social interaction - and due to my health, cannot be bothered to leave my apartment because i feel like absolute shit. what i don't want at this point is to start a new relationship with a dude and have to bring him into all of my health problems. i don't want anyone to have to deal with this that isn't me.

i just want to be cured and i don't want the cure to be me on antibiotics every month for the rest of my life.

new year, old dicks

it's pretty rare for me to stay friends with an ex.. or barely an ex.

i'm always really confused when other people in my life seem to do it easily. but then again, i'm just as confused when people break up and continue to fool around with that person. i mean, because, you broke up for a reason, right? it wasn't working? then you probably shouldn't be fucking each other.

yes, there's maybe a handful of dudes i've fooled around with in the past that i'm still friends with. but that was always after a very long time of not seeing them once things ended. the longer i hold off on seeing someone, the easier it is to forget the feelings i may have once had. sometimes, it actually doesn't take very long when i realize that i didn't have any feelings at all and want to continue to be that dude's friend. but again, it's rare. i can count two in the last seven years. both of which it didn't take too long for me to know we're better off as friends than anything more. and i know they feel the same.

i suppose things get much worse when you're living with the person you broke up with. and then i wonder why people get into relationships and commitment as quick as they do before they realize the crushing disappointment that will eventually come with it, sooner or later.

that's something i could never do for him. and it's what he wanted. he wanted a live-in girlfriend. someone who would be there when he came home from work. someone who would make him dinner. someone who would always be around. but i made it clear to him in the very beginning that wasn't who i was and it would never be. i was not going to be his mother. but that's what he wanted and he found someone else willing to be his mother. willing to move in with him. willing to tell him that she loved him. willing to take countless pictures of the two of them together pretending to be happy, frame them, and put them up around the small, half-room they now shared. someone who was willing to change him into, what is supposedly, a better person. someone who would spend the money it costs to buy him a PS4, only to break up days later.

but you don't ever take an eye off of the one who kind of meant something to you once even though you weren't exactly officially dating. as much as i tried to remove him from my life entirely. and every time i saw something, it irked me just a little bit. until i finally stopped caring and knew getting out of it when i did was the best for me at the time, because he was willing to settle for less, then come crawling back days later once she rejected him the first time. and when i rejected him after listening to what he had to say to me to get me back (and me pretty much laughing at him for thinking we'd ever get back together), he went back to her and apparently she was also ready to settle.

and just over a year later, i get what seems to be the inevitable - a message from him on the same dating website where we met. where he has the nerve to ask me to get a drink. fuck that. fuck you. i remember telling him that at one point we might be able to be friends and i knew i was lying. for some reason, he thought we could someday. no. no we can't. please stay the fuck out of my life.

and days after that, i see another bizarre sighting on the same website. this time, it's the dude who picked me up from sneaky dee's that one night in october. where we lasted a few weeks and he continuously told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. and i kept telling him that wasn't what i wanted. but he seemed to know what he wanted and without warning, disappeared. legitimately.

i had almost forgotten about this one since it had just been this strange little blip in my dating history until i recently came across a blogTO article where he was featured and i recognized his name. well, at least he was having success in doing something he loved. and unfortunately, i made the mistake and made the message move. in which, i received a quick reply of him saying he wanted to message me but thought it would be weird. well, fuck. yes, it's fucking weird. then i made the even worse mistake of saying maybe to meeting up after he told me that he just ended a year long relationship.

uh, wait a minute - a year ago - uhhhhh A YEAR AGO THAT WAS US.

he disappeared on me for someone else. he then had the nerve to ask me if i was interested in hooking up. thankfully, i told him that wasn't the case and the texts have stopped. 

2014: the year i stop dating and keep the past in the past.

but then, i don't know what the fuck i'd write about.