new year, old dicks

it's pretty rare for me to stay friends with an ex.. or barely an ex.

i'm always really confused when other people in my life seem to do it easily. but then again, i'm just as confused when people break up and continue to fool around with that person. i mean, because, you broke up for a reason, right? it wasn't working? then you probably shouldn't be fucking each other.

yes, there's maybe a handful of dudes i've fooled around with in the past that i'm still friends with. but that was always after a very long time of not seeing them once things ended. the longer i hold off on seeing someone, the easier it is to forget the feelings i may have once had. sometimes, it actually doesn't take very long when i realize that i didn't have any feelings at all and want to continue to be that dude's friend. but again, it's rare. i can count two in the last seven years. both of which it didn't take too long for me to know we're better off as friends than anything more. and i know they feel the same.

i suppose things get much worse when you're living with the person you broke up with. and then i wonder why people get into relationships and commitment as quick as they do before they realize the crushing disappointment that will eventually come with it, sooner or later.

that's something i could never do for him. and it's what he wanted. he wanted a live-in girlfriend. someone who would be there when he came home from work. someone who would make him dinner. someone who would always be around. but i made it clear to him in the very beginning that wasn't who i was and it would never be. i was not going to be his mother. but that's what he wanted and he found someone else willing to be his mother. willing to move in with him. willing to tell him that she loved him. willing to take countless pictures of the two of them together pretending to be happy, frame them, and put them up around the small, half-room they now shared. someone who was willing to change him into, what is supposedly, a better person. someone who would spend the money it costs to buy him a PS4, only to break up days later.

but you don't ever take an eye off of the one who kind of meant something to you once even though you weren't exactly officially dating. as much as i tried to remove him from my life entirely. and every time i saw something, it irked me just a little bit. until i finally stopped caring and knew getting out of it when i did was the best for me at the time, because he was willing to settle for less, then come crawling back days later once she rejected him the first time. and when i rejected him after listening to what he had to say to me to get me back (and me pretty much laughing at him for thinking we'd ever get back together), he went back to her and apparently she was also ready to settle.

and just over a year later, i get what seems to be the inevitable - a message from him on the same dating website where we met. where he has the nerve to ask me to get a drink. fuck that. fuck you. i remember telling him that at one point we might be able to be friends and i knew i was lying. for some reason, he thought we could someday. no. no we can't. please stay the fuck out of my life.

and days after that, i see another bizarre sighting on the same website. this time, it's the dude who picked me up from sneaky dee's that one night in october. where we lasted a few weeks and he continuously told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. and i kept telling him that wasn't what i wanted. but he seemed to know what he wanted and without warning, disappeared. legitimately.

i had almost forgotten about this one since it had just been this strange little blip in my dating history until i recently came across a blogTO article where he was featured and i recognized his name. well, at least he was having success in doing something he loved. and unfortunately, i made the mistake and made the message move. in which, i received a quick reply of him saying he wanted to message me but thought it would be weird. well, fuck. yes, it's fucking weird. then i made the even worse mistake of saying maybe to meeting up after he told me that he just ended a year long relationship.

uh, wait a minute - a year ago - uhhhhh A YEAR AGO THAT WAS US.

he disappeared on me for someone else. he then had the nerve to ask me if i was interested in hooking up. thankfully, i told him that wasn't the case and the texts have stopped. 

2014: the year i stop dating and keep the past in the past.

but then, i don't know what the fuck i'd write about.

first assignment

it took 3 weeks to start and finish my first grad school assignment.

unfortunately, the assignment was a joke -- an email message worth 10%. it was almost too easy. but it was for my ridiculous technical writing class. i assume that everything will be just that easy.

sunday, i hit up wayne gretzky's for their caesar special and wings. monday, i had late class and was picked on for an answer from the readings that i did read but  i didn't have much of a clue what it was that i read in environmental law. i was quick to react and answered accordingly. i was only picked on once, thankfully.

tuesday, i checked out a speaker from u of t's disorientation week. i saw dr. sunera thobani and her reflections on the tenth anniversary of september 11th. it was profound and gave me a lot to think about. i was happy i went. i also picked up some groceries and used them throughout the week (for my sake, they were milk, orange juice, pork and veggie dumplings, shrimp, a spanish onion, and bananas.)

thursday after class, i met up with tyler for dinner and we went to the firkin on church. it was good to hang for a bit and unwind. i awoke friday morning as per the normal time, 6am, to be in class by 8am, only to find that via text that my class was cancelled. except that i was already on the bus to school by the time i found out. so... i had 3 hours to kill. but so did a bunch of other people in my program and steve and his friend joined us eventually as well because their prof was an hour late for class. we played cards and hung out while we all wished we were still in bed rather than at school.

friday evening, i went out to the labryinth and the barn for the homohop. the lab was neat. i might go back at some point. i pretty much only stayed for one drink at the barn. sorry, corey! at least i made an appearance. saturday afternoon, i met up with steve to go to mod club for misery signals. we stuck around for structures and headed to sneaky dee's for nachos. we headed back in time for misery signals and after the burial, who played with 2 8 string guitars for the majority of the set. it was unreal.

after the show, we walked over to einsteins and ran into heather and jackie; a nice surprise! we drank cheap pitchers long into the night and stopped at mcdonalds as per usual. i can see myself going back there sometime too. yesterday afternoon, i completed that assignment we were to do on friday but class was cancelled and made perogies for dinner.

saturday will be my first nuit blanche! ....if i end up going to it, that is. let's make a plan, friends!