sometimes, your whole life can change in a mere matter of months.
i never doubted for one second that my job search would last more than a couple of months. with the way i was getting interviews and the ability to carry myself within those interviews, as well as getting interviews for both jobs and companies i wanted to work for, i knew i was doing something right. i had a number of good references by my side and, as i've always known, eventually, things do fall into place.
in early november, i was hired on into the reinsurance industry as a claims administrator for a maternity leave coverage for a year. within a week, i knew this is where i was meant to be for now. i've just completed a month and a half worth of training and begin on my own this week. at the christmas party this past weekend, my boss made it clear to me that he wasn't worried at all and believed in my ability to do a good job. i can't tell you how nice it is to work at a place that actually respects you as a human being. sometimes, you get so used to being treated like shit in all other aspects of your life that you go on to take it is a normal standard of living. let me tell you, that's definitely not the case.
in late july, i met a new dude from my adventures in tinder that, surprisingly, was after sort of the same thing as me. it's been a very good few months and i enjoy his company a bit more each time we hang out.
i had one last tinder adventure before my current dude which nearly had me deleting tinder forever and never looking back. let me explain a bit.
this dude and i had barely a conversation before he decided we should hang out. when i told him i wasn't sure if i was comfortable with me not being able to figure out if he was a serial killer as he was hesitant to give me his facebook, i should've known the red flags right away. but, i let it slide. a few days later, we met up for drinks after work. he seemed... alright. alright in the way that i knew i wasn't ready at all to jump into anything. but i had a feeling that was never his intention. we went on a second date to see jurassic world and ending with him leaving in the early hours of the morning. i wasn't happy. it didn't feel right and i was hesitant. he wasn't happy with that. i was reluctant for the next couple times we went out and made sure to end the dates early. by the last time i saw him, he had invited me over to his place to make me dinner and i knew this would be the last time i would see him, even before what happened actually happened.
i've talked about adventures in dating in the past, but this threw me for a loop. as i was trying to leave, he forced me to stay in order to do things, while doing some things i was definitely not okay with and made that clear to him. he eventually stopped pressuring me and word for word, said "but i made you dinner"
WHAT.
NO.
i ran away as fast as i could.
in the early part of 2015, i hated my job, could feel my relationship slipping away, was not in a good place, and knew the end was coming for a lot of things in my life. i just never imagined that any of it would happen the way it did.
i really appreciate the turn around for the latter part of 2015, if only for my sanity.
2016, you have some big shoes to fill.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Dec 20, 2015
May 18, 2015
adventures in tinder
the biggest change that has happened since my last update is that i'm currently single.
i use the term "biggest change" very loosely because not much has actually changed. i could sit here and write out everything i'm feeling and thinking and believe me, i have tried to do this. for once in my life, i had no words to express my frustration, so i didn't. i kept to myself and have every intention of keeping it that way.
in order to get out of my head, i needed a distraction. seeing as how i had extreme curiosity with tinder, i joined. here are my adventures in tinder in somewhat chronological order.
that cute simpsons dude
not thinking much about it, i instantly matched with a very cute blonde dude in town to film some movie who asked me just the right amount of trivia questions before falling in love with me. it went on like this for a few days and that was the end of that. it was a good start that i knew was going to end up totally misleading during my adventure.
that dude who had no idea how to converse (dick pic #1)
i matched with some dude with a limited profile and now i understand why his profile was so limited. this dude was cute but had no idea how to talk to me. eventually, this ended with him sending me a dick pic. i couldn't have ran away fast enough. thanks for not letting me waste my time on you. here's the things, dudes: familiarize yourself with that of what a girl wants in a dick and decide whether or not yours is it. you know that porn you watch? pay attention to the dude next time. does yours look similar? then maybe send that dick pic. if it doesn't, i'd suggest not sending one.
some cool dudes
they're cool. maybe we'll meet someday. maybe we won't. whatever.
all the dudes i matched with, initiated conversation, then was frustrated with the lack of everything
this is kind of self-explanatory. isn't this not what tinder is about? matching based on physical appearance and then hooking up/hanging out/whatever? if you don't respond, what's the point? i even played on the offensive side and initiated a conversation with every dude i matched with within a period of time. this is frustrating in itself and makes me hate online dating even more.
all of those aggressive types
take a step back, please. i'm not a piece of meat. no, i don't want to come over. no, i don't want to be your fantasy. no, i don't want you to tell me what you want to do to me. no, i don't care of this "won't be a one time thing". what if i want it to be a one time thing? come on. there are 2 people in this. i don't really give a fuck what you think. buddy, you know nothing of the online dating world. i understand why you're here.
intentional matching of dude friends
only to see how long it takes to match with each other while we're standing next to each other. pro tip: it took them longer to find me than it did for me to find them.
unintentional matching of dude friends
absolutely hilarious. still laughing about it. swipe right.
unintentional matching of exes
not hilarious, whether they are quite recent or very old. not cool, tinder. let those wounds heal. problem is, they likely were the ones to swipe right.
i gave myself 2 weeks and expected to quit. after 2 weeks, i realized that this was now a fairly decent tool to use to add to my ridiculous life stories. i began to play more and more with various techniques. i spent one day swiping right on every dude. that was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. unlike my veteran online dating life of plenty of fish with me in a bikini picture which i used to troll dudes, my tinder profile was about as real as it gets. if dudes asked me what i was doing on tinder, i told them the truth: research - and to talk to some cool dudes. if things got a bit more serious in conversation, i'd explain how i'm recently out of a relationship.
some dudes were quite turned off by me being newly single. i don't quite understand why as it had nothing to do with them. except that maybe the odds of me sleeping with them were down about 900%. some dudes were pissed off that i was only looking to talk. one dude even had the audacity to tell me to try okcupid. yeah, fuck you. what a dumb dude.
similar to what happened before, the minute i leave the online dating world is when i'm going to find my next dude.
just give me some time.
i use the term "biggest change" very loosely because not much has actually changed. i could sit here and write out everything i'm feeling and thinking and believe me, i have tried to do this. for once in my life, i had no words to express my frustration, so i didn't. i kept to myself and have every intention of keeping it that way.
in order to get out of my head, i needed a distraction. seeing as how i had extreme curiosity with tinder, i joined. here are my adventures in tinder in somewhat chronological order.
that cute simpsons dude
not thinking much about it, i instantly matched with a very cute blonde dude in town to film some movie who asked me just the right amount of trivia questions before falling in love with me. it went on like this for a few days and that was the end of that. it was a good start that i knew was going to end up totally misleading during my adventure.
that dude who had no idea how to converse (dick pic #1)
i matched with some dude with a limited profile and now i understand why his profile was so limited. this dude was cute but had no idea how to talk to me. eventually, this ended with him sending me a dick pic. i couldn't have ran away fast enough. thanks for not letting me waste my time on you. here's the things, dudes: familiarize yourself with that of what a girl wants in a dick and decide whether or not yours is it. you know that porn you watch? pay attention to the dude next time. does yours look similar? then maybe send that dick pic. if it doesn't, i'd suggest not sending one.
some cool dudes
they're cool. maybe we'll meet someday. maybe we won't. whatever.
all the dudes i matched with, initiated conversation, then was frustrated with the lack of everything
this is kind of self-explanatory. isn't this not what tinder is about? matching based on physical appearance and then hooking up/hanging out/whatever? if you don't respond, what's the point? i even played on the offensive side and initiated a conversation with every dude i matched with within a period of time. this is frustrating in itself and makes me hate online dating even more.
all of those aggressive types
take a step back, please. i'm not a piece of meat. no, i don't want to come over. no, i don't want to be your fantasy. no, i don't want you to tell me what you want to do to me. no, i don't care of this "won't be a one time thing". what if i want it to be a one time thing? come on. there are 2 people in this. i don't really give a fuck what you think. buddy, you know nothing of the online dating world. i understand why you're here.
intentional matching of dude friends
only to see how long it takes to match with each other while we're standing next to each other. pro tip: it took them longer to find me than it did for me to find them.
unintentional matching of dude friends
absolutely hilarious. still laughing about it. swipe right.
unintentional matching of exes
not hilarious, whether they are quite recent or very old. not cool, tinder. let those wounds heal. problem is, they likely were the ones to swipe right.
i gave myself 2 weeks and expected to quit. after 2 weeks, i realized that this was now a fairly decent tool to use to add to my ridiculous life stories. i began to play more and more with various techniques. i spent one day swiping right on every dude. that was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. unlike my veteran online dating life of plenty of fish with me in a bikini picture which i used to troll dudes, my tinder profile was about as real as it gets. if dudes asked me what i was doing on tinder, i told them the truth: research - and to talk to some cool dudes. if things got a bit more serious in conversation, i'd explain how i'm recently out of a relationship.
some dudes were quite turned off by me being newly single. i don't quite understand why as it had nothing to do with them. except that maybe the odds of me sleeping with them were down about 900%. some dudes were pissed off that i was only looking to talk. one dude even had the audacity to tell me to try okcupid. yeah, fuck you. what a dumb dude.
similar to what happened before, the minute i leave the online dating world is when i'm going to find my next dude.
just give me some time.
Jan 2, 2014
new year, old dicks
it's pretty rare for me to stay friends with an ex.. or barely an ex.
i'm always really confused when other people in my life seem to do it easily. but then again, i'm just as confused when people break up and continue to fool around with that person. i mean, because, you broke up for a reason, right? it wasn't working? then you probably shouldn't be fucking each other.
yes, there's maybe a handful of dudes i've fooled around with in the past that i'm still friends with. but that was always after a very long time of not seeing them once things ended. the longer i hold off on seeing someone, the easier it is to forget the feelings i may have once had. sometimes, it actually doesn't take very long when i realize that i didn't have any feelings at all and want to continue to be that dude's friend. but again, it's rare. i can count two in the last seven years. both of which it didn't take too long for me to know we're better off as friends than anything more. and i know they feel the same.
i suppose things get much worse when you're living with the person you broke up with. and then i wonder why people get into relationships and commitment as quick as they do before they realize the crushing disappointment that will eventually come with it, sooner or later.
that's something i could never do for him. and it's what he wanted. he wanted a live-in girlfriend. someone who would be there when he came home from work. someone who would make him dinner. someone who would always be around. but i made it clear to him in the very beginning that wasn't who i was and it would never be. i was not going to be his mother. but that's what he wanted and he found someone else willing to be his mother. willing to move in with him. willing to tell him that she loved him. willing to take countless pictures of the two of them together pretending to be happy, frame them, and put them up around the small, half-room they now shared. someone who was willing to change him into, what is supposedly, a better person. someone who would spend the money it costs to buy him a PS4, only to break up days later.
but you don't ever take an eye off of the one who kind of meant something to you once even though you weren't exactly officially dating. as much as i tried to remove him from my life entirely. and every time i saw something, it irked me just a little bit. until i finally stopped caring and knew getting out of it when i did was the best for me at the time, because he was willing to settle for less, then come crawling back days later once she rejected him the first time. and when i rejected him after listening to what he had to say to me to get me back (and me pretty much laughing at him for thinking we'd ever get back together), he went back to her and apparently she was also ready to settle.
and just over a year later, i get what seems to be the inevitable - a message from him on the same dating website where we met. where he has the nerve to ask me to get a drink. fuck that. fuck you. i remember telling him that at one point we might be able to be friends and i knew i was lying. for some reason, he thought we could someday. no. no we can't. please stay the fuck out of my life.
and days after that, i see another bizarre sighting on the same website. this time, it's the dude who picked me up from sneaky dee's that one night in october. where we lasted a few weeks and he continuously told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. and i kept telling him that wasn't what i wanted. but he seemed to know what he wanted and without warning, disappeared. legitimately.
i had almost forgotten about this one since it had just been this strange little blip in my dating history until i recently came across a blogTO article where he was featured and i recognized his name. well, at least he was having success in doing something he loved. and unfortunately, i made the mistake and made the message move. in which, i received a quick reply of him saying he wanted to message me but thought it would be weird. well, fuck. yes, it's fucking weird. then i made the even worse mistake of saying maybe to meeting up after he told me that he just ended a year long relationship.
uh, wait a minute - a year ago - uhhhhh A YEAR AGO THAT WAS US.
he disappeared on me for someone else. he then had the nerve to ask me if i was interested in hooking up. thankfully, i told him that wasn't the case and the texts have stopped.
2014: the year i stop dating and keep the past in the past.
but then, i don't know what the fuck i'd write about.
i'm always really confused when other people in my life seem to do it easily. but then again, i'm just as confused when people break up and continue to fool around with that person. i mean, because, you broke up for a reason, right? it wasn't working? then you probably shouldn't be fucking each other.
yes, there's maybe a handful of dudes i've fooled around with in the past that i'm still friends with. but that was always after a very long time of not seeing them once things ended. the longer i hold off on seeing someone, the easier it is to forget the feelings i may have once had. sometimes, it actually doesn't take very long when i realize that i didn't have any feelings at all and want to continue to be that dude's friend. but again, it's rare. i can count two in the last seven years. both of which it didn't take too long for me to know we're better off as friends than anything more. and i know they feel the same.
i suppose things get much worse when you're living with the person you broke up with. and then i wonder why people get into relationships and commitment as quick as they do before they realize the crushing disappointment that will eventually come with it, sooner or later.
that's something i could never do for him. and it's what he wanted. he wanted a live-in girlfriend. someone who would be there when he came home from work. someone who would make him dinner. someone who would always be around. but i made it clear to him in the very beginning that wasn't who i was and it would never be. i was not going to be his mother. but that's what he wanted and he found someone else willing to be his mother. willing to move in with him. willing to tell him that she loved him. willing to take countless pictures of the two of them together pretending to be happy, frame them, and put them up around the small, half-room they now shared. someone who was willing to change him into, what is supposedly, a better person. someone who would spend the money it costs to buy him a PS4, only to break up days later.
but you don't ever take an eye off of the one who kind of meant something to you once even though you weren't exactly officially dating. as much as i tried to remove him from my life entirely. and every time i saw something, it irked me just a little bit. until i finally stopped caring and knew getting out of it when i did was the best for me at the time, because he was willing to settle for less, then come crawling back days later once she rejected him the first time. and when i rejected him after listening to what he had to say to me to get me back (and me pretty much laughing at him for thinking we'd ever get back together), he went back to her and apparently she was also ready to settle.
and just over a year later, i get what seems to be the inevitable - a message from him on the same dating website where we met. where he has the nerve to ask me to get a drink. fuck that. fuck you. i remember telling him that at one point we might be able to be friends and i knew i was lying. for some reason, he thought we could someday. no. no we can't. please stay the fuck out of my life.
and days after that, i see another bizarre sighting on the same website. this time, it's the dude who picked me up from sneaky dee's that one night in october. where we lasted a few weeks and he continuously told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. and i kept telling him that wasn't what i wanted. but he seemed to know what he wanted and without warning, disappeared. legitimately.
i had almost forgotten about this one since it had just been this strange little blip in my dating history until i recently came across a blogTO article where he was featured and i recognized his name. well, at least he was having success in doing something he loved. and unfortunately, i made the mistake and made the message move. in which, i received a quick reply of him saying he wanted to message me but thought it would be weird. well, fuck. yes, it's fucking weird. then i made the even worse mistake of saying maybe to meeting up after he told me that he just ended a year long relationship.
uh, wait a minute - a year ago - uhhhhh A YEAR AGO THAT WAS US.
he disappeared on me for someone else. he then had the nerve to ask me if i was interested in hooking up. thankfully, i told him that wasn't the case and the texts have stopped.
2014: the year i stop dating and keep the past in the past.
but then, i don't know what the fuck i'd write about.
Sep 28, 2013
it's natural to be afraid
i would never complain about being single.
i'm convinced people who actually complain about being single are those who find themselves to be lonely. and that is something i am not.
in the last few weeks, i've had a couple of friends comment on how i have nothing going on and that it "doesn't seem like me". what they fail to realize is that, well, this is not news. i haven't had anything going on in quite some time and i've lost the motivation to do anything about it.
but, if we're being completely honest here: it doesn't bother me.
for those of you in relationships, let me remind you how terrible it is to be a single girl in a dating world:
1) dudes are fucking creepy - both online & offline
2) dating is hard work - "put yourself out there" uhhh, no thanks
3) making time to date is difficult
4) where do you pick up dudes? the bar? the subway? the street corner? (oh.. i can't.. those are women)
5) online dating is mostly just met with creeps and dudes who are seriously fucked up (yes, i'm also creepy and fucked up - but we'll get to that)
so.. yes. it's no wonder i don't have a lot going on right now. i troll creepy dudes online. i rarely meet cute dudes that i'm attracted to who aren't fucked up or there's something about them that i don't like. i don't have the time or the energy to go out every so often and try to take somebody home with me; i'm in bed most nights by 9pm because i'm a fucking old lady.
i just feel as though i lost a significant part of me - the part that used to be amazing with flirting with dudes/taking them home/making something happen. and i don't know if that's just disappearing because i'm growing up or because i'm preoccupied with other things. i've lost the ability to multi-task with a life, friends, and dudes. and that's probably for the best.
don't get me wrong, i haven't been completely "out of it" - there are a few very, low-key, nearly exciting dudes in my life that i see occasionally. but these are hardly worth mentioning to anyone since i'm barely getting involved as it is. and some that should probably be thrown away all together.
i'm okay with the way that things are, for now. i know there are some things i need to figure out before i can get involved with anyone. i know that eventually, i'll have to let my guard down and let somebody in. i know that someday, i'll have to function in a real relationship with someone i care about and actually share the majority of myself with them, which is something i already have trouble doing. i know that i'll meet someone who my friends approve of and consider him to be the best of the best, since my friends care about me that much. i know that i'll be with someone who can respect my boundaries and life choices, as those aren't going to change, despite what people might say and think.
but until all of the above are understood, i'm content with my dude situation. however, there's always room for improvement.
i'm convinced people who actually complain about being single are those who find themselves to be lonely. and that is something i am not.
in the last few weeks, i've had a couple of friends comment on how i have nothing going on and that it "doesn't seem like me". what they fail to realize is that, well, this is not news. i haven't had anything going on in quite some time and i've lost the motivation to do anything about it.
but, if we're being completely honest here: it doesn't bother me.
for those of you in relationships, let me remind you how terrible it is to be a single girl in a dating world:
1) dudes are fucking creepy - both online & offline
2) dating is hard work - "put yourself out there" uhhh, no thanks
3) making time to date is difficult
4) where do you pick up dudes? the bar? the subway? the street corner? (oh.. i can't.. those are women)
5) online dating is mostly just met with creeps and dudes who are seriously fucked up (yes, i'm also creepy and fucked up - but we'll get to that)
so.. yes. it's no wonder i don't have a lot going on right now. i troll creepy dudes online. i rarely meet cute dudes that i'm attracted to who aren't fucked up or there's something about them that i don't like. i don't have the time or the energy to go out every so often and try to take somebody home with me; i'm in bed most nights by 9pm because i'm a fucking old lady.
i just feel as though i lost a significant part of me - the part that used to be amazing with flirting with dudes/taking them home/making something happen. and i don't know if that's just disappearing because i'm growing up or because i'm preoccupied with other things. i've lost the ability to multi-task with a life, friends, and dudes. and that's probably for the best.
don't get me wrong, i haven't been completely "out of it" - there are a few very, low-key, nearly exciting dudes in my life that i see occasionally. but these are hardly worth mentioning to anyone since i'm barely getting involved as it is. and some that should probably be thrown away all together.
i'm okay with the way that things are, for now. i know there are some things i need to figure out before i can get involved with anyone. i know that eventually, i'll have to let my guard down and let somebody in. i know that someday, i'll have to function in a real relationship with someone i care about and actually share the majority of myself with them, which is something i already have trouble doing. i know that i'll meet someone who my friends approve of and consider him to be the best of the best, since my friends care about me that much. i know that i'll be with someone who can respect my boundaries and life choices, as those aren't going to change, despite what people might say and think.
but until all of the above are understood, i'm content with my dude situation. however, there's always room for improvement.
Sep 1, 2013
2 years of toronto livin'
today's the day that i've officially lived in toronto for 2 years. 2 years!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
Jul 18, 2013
maybe i'm just tired
fuck you, july.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
Jul 3, 2013
i couldn't lie to you if i tried
i recently stopped seeing someone.
and by recently, i mean that i haven't talked to him in like a month. but i mean, "seeing" someone is kind of a two-way street, yeah? i'm only going to get fed up when i text someone and never hear back anything -- so i just stop. and last night, after coming to this realization, i did the only humane thing: delete him from life. yep, outta my phone & outta my facebook. it was quick and painless.
i guess i didn't really invest anything into what we were doing. i rarely saw him. i wasn't thinking about him all the time. actually, it was hardly ever. friends would ask me about him and i'd shrug... "i dunno, he's probably working." and, he probably was. he worked a lot. we never had endless text message conversations, and when we did, it was very out of character for him. or he'd stop abruptly and i wouldn't hear from him again for days.
he had a habit of bailing on me for.. uhm.. "legitimate" reasons. like work. or double booking. or being tired. or uh, nope.. i guess that was basically it. but you'd think that if he was going to a friend's birthday or something and that's the reason we can't hang out because he forgot, the reasonable thing would be to invite me along. i'd probably decline, but it's the invitation i wanted. that never happened.
i understand that we never saw each other enough to really know what we were doing. and it wasn't like i was looking for him to commit to me or anything. that didn't seem like anything either of us wanted. we got along. we went out a few times on dates and they were pretty great. the rest of the times were spent in, playing video games. and i wasn't opposed to that either. he was actually a world of firsts for me. things were always comfortable, sexual or not. we went out to movies and out for dinner -- 2 things i never really do unless i've been seeing the dude for quite some time. don't ask why. i don't have a reason. it's just how my dating patterns have turned out to be.
he wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public yet, i only met one person in his life. and that was because i met him at his work as he closed and the other employee was still there. and it seemed like this other employee knew a lot about me already, so he must have been talking about me to his coworker. he met my roommate and one other friend. but, like i said, he was always busy. if he wasn't working, or doing music stuff, or hanging out with friends (usually music & friends went together), he was with me. but i was so far down on his priority list that i was lucky to see him maybe 3-4 times a month. yet, when he walked me to a show one night and saw some of the dudes hanging around the entrance checking me out, he kissed me in front of them. they immediately understood.
it's like he had all the right intentions sometimes. and other times, not so much. so, with this being one of the strangest encounters i've had in awhile, it was easy to let it go. i knew i wasn't invested in it when i deleted him from life and wasn't upset about it. i was actually more upset at the fact that i could do something so heartless and not feel anything. but whatever. maybe i'm just growing up in the dating world.
prior to this dude was in october. oh god. yeah. that october dude was totally crazy. and i almost lost a friend over it. it ended sometime in november and then i never saw anyone until march -- the dude i just stopped seeing. it was... a long winter.
i've had about a year's worth of ridiculous encounters and dudes i'll never see again. and it's for the better. i'm being optimistic in that my next dude will be something i can actually enjoy for a significant period of time. and is someone i can see more than 3-4 times a month.
i'm not holding my breath.
and by recently, i mean that i haven't talked to him in like a month. but i mean, "seeing" someone is kind of a two-way street, yeah? i'm only going to get fed up when i text someone and never hear back anything -- so i just stop. and last night, after coming to this realization, i did the only humane thing: delete him from life. yep, outta my phone & outta my facebook. it was quick and painless.
i guess i didn't really invest anything into what we were doing. i rarely saw him. i wasn't thinking about him all the time. actually, it was hardly ever. friends would ask me about him and i'd shrug... "i dunno, he's probably working." and, he probably was. he worked a lot. we never had endless text message conversations, and when we did, it was very out of character for him. or he'd stop abruptly and i wouldn't hear from him again for days.
he had a habit of bailing on me for.. uhm.. "legitimate" reasons. like work. or double booking. or being tired. or uh, nope.. i guess that was basically it. but you'd think that if he was going to a friend's birthday or something and that's the reason we can't hang out because he forgot, the reasonable thing would be to invite me along. i'd probably decline, but it's the invitation i wanted. that never happened.
i understand that we never saw each other enough to really know what we were doing. and it wasn't like i was looking for him to commit to me or anything. that didn't seem like anything either of us wanted. we got along. we went out a few times on dates and they were pretty great. the rest of the times were spent in, playing video games. and i wasn't opposed to that either. he was actually a world of firsts for me. things were always comfortable, sexual or not. we went out to movies and out for dinner -- 2 things i never really do unless i've been seeing the dude for quite some time. don't ask why. i don't have a reason. it's just how my dating patterns have turned out to be.
he wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public yet, i only met one person in his life. and that was because i met him at his work as he closed and the other employee was still there. and it seemed like this other employee knew a lot about me already, so he must have been talking about me to his coworker. he met my roommate and one other friend. but, like i said, he was always busy. if he wasn't working, or doing music stuff, or hanging out with friends (usually music & friends went together), he was with me. but i was so far down on his priority list that i was lucky to see him maybe 3-4 times a month. yet, when he walked me to a show one night and saw some of the dudes hanging around the entrance checking me out, he kissed me in front of them. they immediately understood.
it's like he had all the right intentions sometimes. and other times, not so much. so, with this being one of the strangest encounters i've had in awhile, it was easy to let it go. i knew i wasn't invested in it when i deleted him from life and wasn't upset about it. i was actually more upset at the fact that i could do something so heartless and not feel anything. but whatever. maybe i'm just growing up in the dating world.
prior to this dude was in october. oh god. yeah. that october dude was totally crazy. and i almost lost a friend over it. it ended sometime in november and then i never saw anyone until march -- the dude i just stopped seeing. it was... a long winter.
i've had about a year's worth of ridiculous encounters and dudes i'll never see again. and it's for the better. i'm being optimistic in that my next dude will be something i can actually enjoy for a significant period of time. and is someone i can see more than 3-4 times a month.
i'm not holding my breath.
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