maybe i'm just tired

fuck you, july.

i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.

it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.

in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.

in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.

in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.

i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.

i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.

a change in the lineup

officially, i have left java joes.

let's start from the beginning, shall we? my first two shifts at java joes were quite the learning experience as i was now doing things i had never done before, minus handling cash and points of sale. i probably burned myself more than i ever thought was possible and hated trying to 'serve' the public through drinks and food. i found some parts not so bad but there was a ridiculous amount to remember in a short period of time and i tried my best to stay away from the espresso machine in fear of fucking up more drinks.

the third shift i worked was a saturday which are normally very busy days at java joes and it was no different. i struggled to work at a fast pace preparing/plating food and taking orders while i was constantly yelled at from all directions of a 'better way to do' what i was doing. i became frustrated as i could not live up to anything i tried to do -- everything i did was wrong. and i was constantly reminded of how everything i was doing was wrong.

i decided that i just was not learning fast enough and i felt useless on the job. and my coworkers did not help me feeling useless. i was already aware that i wasn't exactly a hands-on type person, but i thought i might be able to overcome that if i had a job that allowed me to be hands-on. or at least try to be better at it. the 3 shifts that i worked last week were extremely busy; had it not been so busy i probably would have been able to perfect making drinks and food to at least one person's standard and would not need an entire walkthrough every time i used the espresso machine.

yesterday was my fourth shift at java joes and i talked to tonya about quitting. i told her that margaritaville was considering giving me full-time hours (not exactly a lie either) and that java joes was not the job for me. she understood and told me that she was just happy that i was willing to learn and that i was trying. i just wasn't 'born' to work in a coffee shop. i may as well have started at tim hortons and only have to push one button to make a drink. i agreed to work the thursday shift but not the friday as i need a day off. in the meantime during my shift, tonya had called up another lady, interviewed her, and hired her. at least i don't feel bad for leaving tonya short people if she was able to hire someone that quickly. that lady will also be in working her first shift on my last shift on thursday.

so, officially, i'm down to one job for the remaining weeks of the summer. margaritaville is working out great. i have no real complaints as of yet and am gaining retail sales experience. i'm happy and not stressed out any longer from java joes and i did pick up 2 pounds of coffee for my brother for free.

8 weeks and one job. i can have a life outside of work now. 10 days in a row with 1 double in the day (margaritaville in the morning and java joes in the afternoon/evening) is too much to handle. i won't be letting margaritaville know that i left java joes. since they are working around java joes schedule, i plan to be available during the week, monday through friday, and be 'working' at java joes saturday and sunday from now on.

definitely a big change in the lineup that was needed.