sometimes, your whole life can change in a mere matter of months.
i never doubted for one second that my job search would last more than a couple of months. with the way i was getting interviews and the ability to carry myself within those interviews, as well as getting interviews for both jobs and companies i wanted to work for, i knew i was doing something right. i had a number of good references by my side and, as i've always known, eventually, things do fall into place.
in early november, i was hired on into the reinsurance industry as a claims administrator for a maternity leave coverage for a year. within a week, i knew this is where i was meant to be for now. i've just completed a month and a half worth of training and begin on my own this week. at the christmas party this past weekend, my boss made it clear to me that he wasn't worried at all and believed in my ability to do a good job. i can't tell you how nice it is to work at a place that actually respects you as a human being. sometimes, you get so used to being treated like shit in all other aspects of your life that you go on to take it is a normal standard of living. let me tell you, that's definitely not the case.
in late july, i met a new dude from my adventures in tinder that, surprisingly, was after sort of the same thing as me. it's been a very good few months and i enjoy his company a bit more each time we hang out.
i had one last tinder adventure before my current dude which nearly had me deleting tinder forever and never looking back. let me explain a bit.
this dude and i had barely a conversation before he decided we should hang out. when i told him i wasn't sure if i was comfortable with me not being able to figure out if he was a serial killer as he was hesitant to give me his facebook, i should've known the red flags right away. but, i let it slide. a few days later, we met up for drinks after work. he seemed... alright. alright in the way that i knew i wasn't ready at all to jump into anything. but i had a feeling that was never his intention. we went on a second date to see jurassic world and ending with him leaving in the early hours of the morning. i wasn't happy. it didn't feel right and i was hesitant. he wasn't happy with that. i was reluctant for the next couple times we went out and made sure to end the dates early. by the last time i saw him, he had invited me over to his place to make me dinner and i knew this would be the last time i would see him, even before what happened actually happened.
i've talked about adventures in dating in the past, but this threw me for a loop. as i was trying to leave, he forced me to stay in order to do things, while doing some things i was definitely not okay with and made that clear to him. he eventually stopped pressuring me and word for word, said "but i made you dinner"
WHAT.
NO.
i ran away as fast as i could.
in the early part of 2015, i hated my job, could feel my relationship slipping away, was not in a good place, and knew the end was coming for a lot of things in my life. i just never imagined that any of it would happen the way it did.
i really appreciate the turn around for the latter part of 2015, if only for my sanity.
2016, you have some big shoes to fill.
Dec 20, 2015
Jul 24, 2015
if history is doomed to repeat itself
if 2013 was the year of me close to death, 2015 is making itself the year of loss. i've lost a lot of things over the past 7 months and, fortunately, my mind is not one of them (but just barely.)
late december of 2014, i lost my grandma. late march 2015, i went through a breakup. in late may, i lost my roommate. in the middle of july, i lost my job. and in that same week, i lost my cat, my best friend of the past 15 years.
life has this habit of kicking me while i'm down and i guess i'm sort of used to that by now. but that doesn't stop me from being totally bummed out about everything.
and as always, i'll move on.
i don't have any real words of encouragement for myself in order to move on for the things in my life i can't change. people coming and going in my life is something i've dealt with for decades. and it all kind of works out in the end, though i might not see it right away.
losing my job was one of the happier things i've dealt with in 2015. it gave me a chance to spend a little bit more time with my cat. considering how the job hunt is going (pretty damn amazing), i'm looking forward to enjoying my summer and knowing that the next place i end up will value my time and worth. and hopefully, i'll make a shit ton more money.
this is a perfect opportunity to return to the roots of this blog from 2011 - my post university job hunt. i've spent the last 4 years in toronto and this blog has evolved into more than i ever could have imagined.
in the meantime, let's go celebrate summer in toronto. i'm down for whatever.
late december of 2014, i lost my grandma. late march 2015, i went through a breakup. in late may, i lost my roommate. in the middle of july, i lost my job. and in that same week, i lost my cat, my best friend of the past 15 years.
life has this habit of kicking me while i'm down and i guess i'm sort of used to that by now. but that doesn't stop me from being totally bummed out about everything.
and as always, i'll move on.
i don't have any real words of encouragement for myself in order to move on for the things in my life i can't change. people coming and going in my life is something i've dealt with for decades. and it all kind of works out in the end, though i might not see it right away.
losing my job was one of the happier things i've dealt with in 2015. it gave me a chance to spend a little bit more time with my cat. considering how the job hunt is going (pretty damn amazing), i'm looking forward to enjoying my summer and knowing that the next place i end up will value my time and worth. and hopefully, i'll make a shit ton more money.
this is a perfect opportunity to return to the roots of this blog from 2011 - my post university job hunt. i've spent the last 4 years in toronto and this blog has evolved into more than i ever could have imagined.
in the meantime, let's go celebrate summer in toronto. i'm down for whatever.
Jul 1, 2015
adventures in tinder, part 2
besides the fact that tinder now crashes my phone every time the app opens, i've kind of laid it to rest. but not before coming across something in particular.
there he was, using the same photo from 3 years ago.
3 years ago, i was in a bit of a weird place, trying to figure out my life. i had 4 different dudes i was seeing at the same time and he was one of them. fortunately enough for me, he was designated for sex and nothing more. that was established pretty quickly. he was just old enough to know all the right everything. i was just young enough to give in.
i'll never forget the time when he thought i was 28. i'd hope by then i would've been in a better place. although he was much older than me, he was in the same place i was. he didn't have a job. i think he had just finished school or was about to finish school. he didn't know what he wanted and neither did i. what we had in common was only each other. even his nerdiness, although similar to my own, did not line up. i found myself shy around him, unable to converse. he'd invite me over to his parkdale apartment, feed me drinks i've never heard of, show me films i've never seen, and spend countless hours watching futurama with me. he'd always ask me to stay over and sometimes i did.
i knew it was never going to last and i was quite surprised it went on for as long as it did. i never initiated anything with him because i never needed to do so. there was just something about him that made me kept going back for more, and the sex wasn't even that good. there wasn't a spark. it was just.. something. i still can't figure it out.
what threw me for a loop when i saw him on tinder was that same photo. all of them were the same ones i remember. it had been 3 years. even if it was your best picture, in 3 years, you should've at least taken a different one to use. you have the technology.
i swiped right just to see what would happen. so far, there hasn't been a match.
i'm okay with that.
there he was, using the same photo from 3 years ago.
3 years ago, i was in a bit of a weird place, trying to figure out my life. i had 4 different dudes i was seeing at the same time and he was one of them. fortunately enough for me, he was designated for sex and nothing more. that was established pretty quickly. he was just old enough to know all the right everything. i was just young enough to give in.
i'll never forget the time when he thought i was 28. i'd hope by then i would've been in a better place. although he was much older than me, he was in the same place i was. he didn't have a job. i think he had just finished school or was about to finish school. he didn't know what he wanted and neither did i. what we had in common was only each other. even his nerdiness, although similar to my own, did not line up. i found myself shy around him, unable to converse. he'd invite me over to his parkdale apartment, feed me drinks i've never heard of, show me films i've never seen, and spend countless hours watching futurama with me. he'd always ask me to stay over and sometimes i did.
i knew it was never going to last and i was quite surprised it went on for as long as it did. i never initiated anything with him because i never needed to do so. there was just something about him that made me kept going back for more, and the sex wasn't even that good. there wasn't a spark. it was just.. something. i still can't figure it out.
what threw me for a loop when i saw him on tinder was that same photo. all of them were the same ones i remember. it had been 3 years. even if it was your best picture, in 3 years, you should've at least taken a different one to use. you have the technology.
i swiped right just to see what would happen. so far, there hasn't been a match.
i'm okay with that.
May 18, 2015
adventures in tinder
the biggest change that has happened since my last update is that i'm currently single.
i use the term "biggest change" very loosely because not much has actually changed. i could sit here and write out everything i'm feeling and thinking and believe me, i have tried to do this. for once in my life, i had no words to express my frustration, so i didn't. i kept to myself and have every intention of keeping it that way.
in order to get out of my head, i needed a distraction. seeing as how i had extreme curiosity with tinder, i joined. here are my adventures in tinder in somewhat chronological order.
that cute simpsons dude
not thinking much about it, i instantly matched with a very cute blonde dude in town to film some movie who asked me just the right amount of trivia questions before falling in love with me. it went on like this for a few days and that was the end of that. it was a good start that i knew was going to end up totally misleading during my adventure.
that dude who had no idea how to converse (dick pic #1)
i matched with some dude with a limited profile and now i understand why his profile was so limited. this dude was cute but had no idea how to talk to me. eventually, this ended with him sending me a dick pic. i couldn't have ran away fast enough. thanks for not letting me waste my time on you. here's the things, dudes: familiarize yourself with that of what a girl wants in a dick and decide whether or not yours is it. you know that porn you watch? pay attention to the dude next time. does yours look similar? then maybe send that dick pic. if it doesn't, i'd suggest not sending one.
some cool dudes
they're cool. maybe we'll meet someday. maybe we won't. whatever.
all the dudes i matched with, initiated conversation, then was frustrated with the lack of everything
this is kind of self-explanatory. isn't this not what tinder is about? matching based on physical appearance and then hooking up/hanging out/whatever? if you don't respond, what's the point? i even played on the offensive side and initiated a conversation with every dude i matched with within a period of time. this is frustrating in itself and makes me hate online dating even more.
all of those aggressive types
take a step back, please. i'm not a piece of meat. no, i don't want to come over. no, i don't want to be your fantasy. no, i don't want you to tell me what you want to do to me. no, i don't care of this "won't be a one time thing". what if i want it to be a one time thing? come on. there are 2 people in this. i don't really give a fuck what you think. buddy, you know nothing of the online dating world. i understand why you're here.
intentional matching of dude friends
only to see how long it takes to match with each other while we're standing next to each other. pro tip: it took them longer to find me than it did for me to find them.
unintentional matching of dude friends
absolutely hilarious. still laughing about it. swipe right.
unintentional matching of exes
not hilarious, whether they are quite recent or very old. not cool, tinder. let those wounds heal. problem is, they likely were the ones to swipe right.
i gave myself 2 weeks and expected to quit. after 2 weeks, i realized that this was now a fairly decent tool to use to add to my ridiculous life stories. i began to play more and more with various techniques. i spent one day swiping right on every dude. that was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. unlike my veteran online dating life of plenty of fish with me in a bikini picture which i used to troll dudes, my tinder profile was about as real as it gets. if dudes asked me what i was doing on tinder, i told them the truth: research - and to talk to some cool dudes. if things got a bit more serious in conversation, i'd explain how i'm recently out of a relationship.
some dudes were quite turned off by me being newly single. i don't quite understand why as it had nothing to do with them. except that maybe the odds of me sleeping with them were down about 900%. some dudes were pissed off that i was only looking to talk. one dude even had the audacity to tell me to try okcupid. yeah, fuck you. what a dumb dude.
similar to what happened before, the minute i leave the online dating world is when i'm going to find my next dude.
just give me some time.
i use the term "biggest change" very loosely because not much has actually changed. i could sit here and write out everything i'm feeling and thinking and believe me, i have tried to do this. for once in my life, i had no words to express my frustration, so i didn't. i kept to myself and have every intention of keeping it that way.
in order to get out of my head, i needed a distraction. seeing as how i had extreme curiosity with tinder, i joined. here are my adventures in tinder in somewhat chronological order.
that cute simpsons dude
not thinking much about it, i instantly matched with a very cute blonde dude in town to film some movie who asked me just the right amount of trivia questions before falling in love with me. it went on like this for a few days and that was the end of that. it was a good start that i knew was going to end up totally misleading during my adventure.
that dude who had no idea how to converse (dick pic #1)
i matched with some dude with a limited profile and now i understand why his profile was so limited. this dude was cute but had no idea how to talk to me. eventually, this ended with him sending me a dick pic. i couldn't have ran away fast enough. thanks for not letting me waste my time on you. here's the things, dudes: familiarize yourself with that of what a girl wants in a dick and decide whether or not yours is it. you know that porn you watch? pay attention to the dude next time. does yours look similar? then maybe send that dick pic. if it doesn't, i'd suggest not sending one.
some cool dudes
they're cool. maybe we'll meet someday. maybe we won't. whatever.
all the dudes i matched with, initiated conversation, then was frustrated with the lack of everything
this is kind of self-explanatory. isn't this not what tinder is about? matching based on physical appearance and then hooking up/hanging out/whatever? if you don't respond, what's the point? i even played on the offensive side and initiated a conversation with every dude i matched with within a period of time. this is frustrating in itself and makes me hate online dating even more.
all of those aggressive types
take a step back, please. i'm not a piece of meat. no, i don't want to come over. no, i don't want to be your fantasy. no, i don't want you to tell me what you want to do to me. no, i don't care of this "won't be a one time thing". what if i want it to be a one time thing? come on. there are 2 people in this. i don't really give a fuck what you think. buddy, you know nothing of the online dating world. i understand why you're here.
intentional matching of dude friends
only to see how long it takes to match with each other while we're standing next to each other. pro tip: it took them longer to find me than it did for me to find them.
unintentional matching of dude friends
absolutely hilarious. still laughing about it. swipe right.
unintentional matching of exes
not hilarious, whether they are quite recent or very old. not cool, tinder. let those wounds heal. problem is, they likely were the ones to swipe right.
i gave myself 2 weeks and expected to quit. after 2 weeks, i realized that this was now a fairly decent tool to use to add to my ridiculous life stories. i began to play more and more with various techniques. i spent one day swiping right on every dude. that was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. unlike my veteran online dating life of plenty of fish with me in a bikini picture which i used to troll dudes, my tinder profile was about as real as it gets. if dudes asked me what i was doing on tinder, i told them the truth: research - and to talk to some cool dudes. if things got a bit more serious in conversation, i'd explain how i'm recently out of a relationship.
some dudes were quite turned off by me being newly single. i don't quite understand why as it had nothing to do with them. except that maybe the odds of me sleeping with them were down about 900%. some dudes were pissed off that i was only looking to talk. one dude even had the audacity to tell me to try okcupid. yeah, fuck you. what a dumb dude.
similar to what happened before, the minute i leave the online dating world is when i'm going to find my next dude.
just give me some time.
Mar 15, 2015
the waiting is the hardest part
too much of my life is spent waiting.
i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.
typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.
by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).
more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.
it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.
part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills.
i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.
the waiting will always be the hardest part.
i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.
typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.
by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).
more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.
it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.
part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills.
i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.
the waiting will always be the hardest part.
Feb 28, 2015
see you in 3-6 months
on february 10, i started physio because i sprained my ankle a week prior literally doing nothing but turning around.
this "doing nothing" concept isn't new to me and is usually the reason behind why all of my injuries occur. throughout my life, my knees have constantly dislocated for no reason and i've fractured my ankle twice as a kid. my knees and ankles get sore pretty easily and i don't have much mobility, flexibility, or stability in my legs. i've always known this.
i've tried my best to strengthen through sports and stretching but nothing ever worked out the way it should. injury after injury, there was never any rehab. my physiotherapist is starting from the very basics and moving up. i have daily exercises and weekly appointments. four weeks in and i'm already noticing a difference, despite hurting my other ankle this morning for no reason. in 6 months, there should be a noticeable difference and i should have extended mobility.
i've started a new regime of pills to fight off another infection that i'll be on for another 3-6 months, depending on how i react. i hope it goes well. this also means no beer for 3-6 months. but i should be back in time for patio season. let's think warm thoughts.
my raise at work went through starting in january and things outside of my health are generally fine. i spend my weekends doing fun things and spending time with the people i care about most. this must be what mid-twenties feels like.
on march 21, i'll be going to my first toronto comicon. if it's anything like fan expo, i'm sure i'll enjoy my time. unfortunately, it won't be the same as my two worlds of baseball and nerdy things won't collide like they did during fan expo.
seriously, i'm sick of winter and would like to be skiing. too bad i'm in toronto. i'm ready for summer.
my parents are thinking about taking my brother and i to florida at the end of april and i'm looking forward to the sun. hopefully my ankles and knees are in working order by then.
see you on the patio.
this "doing nothing" concept isn't new to me and is usually the reason behind why all of my injuries occur. throughout my life, my knees have constantly dislocated for no reason and i've fractured my ankle twice as a kid. my knees and ankles get sore pretty easily and i don't have much mobility, flexibility, or stability in my legs. i've always known this.
i've tried my best to strengthen through sports and stretching but nothing ever worked out the way it should. injury after injury, there was never any rehab. my physiotherapist is starting from the very basics and moving up. i have daily exercises and weekly appointments. four weeks in and i'm already noticing a difference, despite hurting my other ankle this morning for no reason. in 6 months, there should be a noticeable difference and i should have extended mobility.
i've started a new regime of pills to fight off another infection that i'll be on for another 3-6 months, depending on how i react. i hope it goes well. this also means no beer for 3-6 months. but i should be back in time for patio season. let's think warm thoughts.
my raise at work went through starting in january and things outside of my health are generally fine. i spend my weekends doing fun things and spending time with the people i care about most. this must be what mid-twenties feels like.
on march 21, i'll be going to my first toronto comicon. if it's anything like fan expo, i'm sure i'll enjoy my time. unfortunately, it won't be the same as my two worlds of baseball and nerdy things won't collide like they did during fan expo.
seriously, i'm sick of winter and would like to be skiing. too bad i'm in toronto. i'm ready for summer.
my parents are thinking about taking my brother and i to florida at the end of april and i'm looking forward to the sun. hopefully my ankles and knees are in working order by then.
see you on the patio.
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