if history is doomed to repeat itself

if 2013 was the year of me close to death, 2015 is making itself the year of loss. i've lost a lot of things over the past 7 months and, fortunately, my mind is not one of them (but just barely.)

late december of 2014, i lost my grandma. late march 2015, i went through a breakup. in late may, i lost my roommate. in the middle of july, i lost my job. and in that same week, i lost my cat, my best friend of the past 15 years.

life has this habit of kicking me while i'm down and i guess i'm sort of used to that by now. but that doesn't stop me from being totally bummed out about everything.

and as always, i'll move on.

i don't have any real words of encouragement for myself in order to move on for the things in my life i can't change. people coming and going in my life is something i've dealt with for decades. and it all kind of works out in the end, though i might not see it right away.

losing my job was one of the happier things i've dealt with in 2015. it gave me a chance to spend a little bit more time with my cat. considering how the job hunt is going (pretty damn amazing), i'm looking forward to enjoying my summer and knowing that the next place i end up will value my time and worth. and hopefully, i'll make a shit ton more money.

this is a perfect opportunity to return to the roots of this blog from 2011 - my post university job hunt. i've spent the last 4 years in toronto and this blog has evolved into more than i ever could have imagined.

in the meantime, let's go celebrate summer in toronto. i'm down for whatever. 

thank you for everything

my grandmother passed away on christmas eve. she would've been 93 on january 5.

for 3 months, my parents did as much as they could to take care of her. she had fallen ill with liver problems. there were good days and bad days.

what you need to learn about my grandmother is that she was as independent as they go. she never wanted any assistance with anything. she always had a can-do attitude, but my earliest memory of her is speaking to my parents about how she was not long for this world. from about 70 onwards, she continuously thought she would die soon, albeit no real health problems or reasons. my grandfather passed at the age of 51, before i was born. i assumed this was the reason behind her thoughts that she wouldn't live very long.

i spent a lot of time with my grandmother when i was young. she would help me learn ukrainian. we would spend hours reading and writing together. in turn, as all grandmothers do, she would hand me some cash for spending time with her. in her earlier days, she loved to cook for the family. she would make perogies, cabbage rolls, chicken, and lots of ukrainian style deserts. she always knew what my favourite foods were and whenever we visited, would always have them on hand.

when we moved to niagara, my parents had built an in-law suite apartment in the basement for her to move in. my parents sold her gigantic st. catharines home and she moved in with us in 2007. my grandmother fell in love with my cat and the two became inseparable. she would take care of him, take him outside in the backyard, and fill in for me when i couldn't be with him.

in june of 2011, she left the house to watch me graduate from brock university with my bacherlor of arts degree. this was an amazing feat as she did not like to stray too far from home for very long. her usual stops were to the grocery store or bank for a short period of time.

when my brother and i moved out in 2011, the house was empty. shortly after this, my grandmother and my cat fell ill. perhaps the two of them, as old as they were, became stricken with grief of an empty house. we'll never quite know for sure.

when my parents returned home from ireland in october 2014, my grandmother told them she was having problems. this was a first. my family has a proven track record of never telling anyone that we are sick or assume that eventually, we'll get over whatever it is we have. she consistently told my parents she was fine until after they came home from ireland. she was probably not fine before they left.

soon after, nurses came in daily to spend time with my grandmother who wasn't eating and had no energy. she spent a lot of time in bed, maybe eating part of a meal the entire day. she grew thinner and thinner for an already very petite, very thin, very frail woman. in november 2014, the entire family got together as things were not looking well. my grandmother continued to refuse service from support workers and was on a handful of prescribed medication, making it difficult for my parents to take care of her. we all wished that things would get better and my grandmother never lost her can-do attitude. "maybe i will beat this yet", she uttered, several times throughout the month.

my parents were worried that my grandmother may not even recognize me, when i was home in november. the medication she was on made her very loopy and forgetful. but when she saw me, her eyes lit up. she knew exactly who i was. i'll always remember that smile. she told me how beautiful i looked and wished me all the best.

the night of december 23 was a very bad night. she was very ill and did not sleep the entire night. on the afternoon of december 24, the nurses came in and said she was doing alright. she even ate more than she normally does. but as soon as the nurses left, my grandmother took a turn for the worst. within about an hour of me arriving home for the holidays, i took one last look at my grandmother and that was the end. it was sudden and nobody was prepared for it. the nurses didn't even believe it at first.

when it was all over, i took one final look at her, in bed, at peace. she did it on her own terms. she realized she finally needed help as she wasn't able to get out of bed on her own or walk without assistance. mentally, i think she knew it was time.

the funeral and church service are scheduled for monday morning. 

RIP Grandma
January 5, 1922 - December 24, 2014

thank you for everything.