thank you for everything

my grandmother passed away on christmas eve. she would've been 93 on january 5.

for 3 months, my parents did as much as they could to take care of her. she had fallen ill with liver problems. there were good days and bad days.

what you need to learn about my grandmother is that she was as independent as they go. she never wanted any assistance with anything. she always had a can-do attitude, but my earliest memory of her is speaking to my parents about how she was not long for this world. from about 70 onwards, she continuously thought she would die soon, albeit no real health problems or reasons. my grandfather passed at the age of 51, before i was born. i assumed this was the reason behind her thoughts that she wouldn't live very long.

i spent a lot of time with my grandmother when i was young. she would help me learn ukrainian. we would spend hours reading and writing together. in turn, as all grandmothers do, she would hand me some cash for spending time with her. in her earlier days, she loved to cook for the family. she would make perogies, cabbage rolls, chicken, and lots of ukrainian style deserts. she always knew what my favourite foods were and whenever we visited, would always have them on hand.

when we moved to niagara, my parents had built an in-law suite apartment in the basement for her to move in. my parents sold her gigantic st. catharines home and she moved in with us in 2007. my grandmother fell in love with my cat and the two became inseparable. she would take care of him, take him outside in the backyard, and fill in for me when i couldn't be with him.

in june of 2011, she left the house to watch me graduate from brock university with my bacherlor of arts degree. this was an amazing feat as she did not like to stray too far from home for very long. her usual stops were to the grocery store or bank for a short period of time.

when my brother and i moved out in 2011, the house was empty. shortly after this, my grandmother and my cat fell ill. perhaps the two of them, as old as they were, became stricken with grief of an empty house. we'll never quite know for sure.

when my parents returned home from ireland in october 2014, my grandmother told them she was having problems. this was a first. my family has a proven track record of never telling anyone that we are sick or assume that eventually, we'll get over whatever it is we have. she consistently told my parents she was fine until after they came home from ireland. she was probably not fine before they left.

soon after, nurses came in daily to spend time with my grandmother who wasn't eating and had no energy. she spent a lot of time in bed, maybe eating part of a meal the entire day. she grew thinner and thinner for an already very petite, very thin, very frail woman. in november 2014, the entire family got together as things were not looking well. my grandmother continued to refuse service from support workers and was on a handful of prescribed medication, making it difficult for my parents to take care of her. we all wished that things would get better and my grandmother never lost her can-do attitude. "maybe i will beat this yet", she uttered, several times throughout the month.

my parents were worried that my grandmother may not even recognize me, when i was home in november. the medication she was on made her very loopy and forgetful. but when she saw me, her eyes lit up. she knew exactly who i was. i'll always remember that smile. she told me how beautiful i looked and wished me all the best.

the night of december 23 was a very bad night. she was very ill and did not sleep the entire night. on the afternoon of december 24, the nurses came in and said she was doing alright. she even ate more than she normally does. but as soon as the nurses left, my grandmother took a turn for the worst. within about an hour of me arriving home for the holidays, i took one last look at my grandmother and that was the end. it was sudden and nobody was prepared for it. the nurses didn't even believe it at first.

when it was all over, i took one final look at her, in bed, at peace. she did it on her own terms. she realized she finally needed help as she wasn't able to get out of bed on her own or walk without assistance. mentally, i think she knew it was time.

the funeral and church service are scheduled for monday morning. 

RIP Grandma
January 5, 1922 - December 24, 2014

thank you for everything.

dear ontario government/city of toronto, thanks for nothing

i'd just like to thank the ontario government/city of toronto for fucking me over royally.

i couldn't afford to live in toronto after i finished school last april, so in june/july, i applied for social assistance and was accepted. they offered me some basic money every month that didn't cover my rent, but at least it helped a bit. they were supposed to give me money for volunteering. they didn't. i'm with one worker until i get my job in august.

when i got a full time job in august, they gave me money for 2 more months, once because i didn't get my first pay until the end of my first month of work and the second time because i was unaware i had to report my income every month to them, even though they knew i had a full-time, well-enough paying job. they were supposed to tack on more money for volunteering. they didn't. they were supposed to give me money for getting a job - a, "here, buy some nice clothes and get a haircut for your new job" - and they only gave me half. so i thought. i'm passed to another worker at this point, who i never meet.

3 months go by and i'm out of a job. i leave toronto for almost the entirety of november and come back in december to call social assistance and get back on it. turns out i have too much money now and i'm not eligible. uh, okay. also, i had been transferred to yet another worker. i call back in january to this new worker when i have less money. okay, i'm eligible. they go back and give me money for december. they give me the full amount for that clothes thing, which they mistakenly didn't give me before. at all. they tack on the volunteering amount and now i can roughly make my rent costs without much of a struggle. i can't afford much else, but i can at least afford a roof over my head.

two days later, after all of this is settled and i'm told all of my money problems have been rectified and i'm actually a file in their system now, i get a new job. a part time job that doesn't pay well. i notify the correct people and am told i'll be transferred to ANOTHER worker who i've yet to meet. i report my income for february and they continue to give me a fair amount of money. well, look at that! i can kind of afford things! not a lot of things. but things. in march, i don't make that much more than i do in february and i figure they'll give me the same amount. a few days ago, i received a letter booking me for an updated appointment to meet my new worker. on a tuesday morning. hey uh, remember that job i have and stuff? the one i told the last worker about - that i work monday to friday, AT LEAST 9am-2pm? yeah. i do. so why don't you?

i stopped in to see someone this afternoon and met with my new worker who looked about as young as i do. i had to essentially re-tell my entire life story to her because she knew nothing about me and didn't even bother to look at my file. i was already having the worst day so i was getting ready to just get up and walk away from her. she told me that she didn't receive my income report even though i mailed it out. then i told her how much i made and she said i probably wouldn't be eligible for this month because i made too much money. excuse me?

as per EVERY SINGLE WORKER I'VE DEALT WITH SO FAR, she made a comment about how my phone number is still a niagara number. yes, it's long distance. yes, you're the fucking city of toronto, i'm PRETTY SURE YOU CAN AFFORD A LONG DISTANCE CALL TO ME OCCASIONALLY. she went on to tell me that i hadn't been given the volunteering amount of money yet. YET. IT HAD BEEN AT LEAST THREE MONTHS SINCE I HAD TRIPLE CONFIRMED THAT I'D GET THAT MONEY. which means i also probably didn't get the "hey go buy new clothes and get a haircut because you got a job again" money.

oh, then i was eligible for this month. FOR 14 FUCKING CENTS. 

let this be a lesson to everyone: even if you're low income/no income, you'll still get fucked over by the people who are supposed to give you money because you're low income/no income.

fuck. you.

unemployed & more health issues

a lot can change in 2 weeks.

i finished the second round of antibiotics on sunday november 3. on the saturday, i went to the clinic for a follow up. i told the doctor i was feeling better and he told me to continue what i'm doing and come in a week later to do another urine sample.

i was feeling better for about two days. on wednesday, i woke up with the dull back ache and a bit of a tummy ache. well, that's not good. i went to the clinic on my lunch break and did another urine test. the doctor, once again, said i'm fighting something and put me back on the same antibiotics i just had for round 2, but for longer - 10 days this time. i went back to work and finished out the day.

i went to work thursday morning and settled in for another day. about twenty minutes into starting my work, my boss comes over and asks to talk to me. he brings me into one of the conference rooms with the HR lady. i figured they were just going to go over my benefits package again, which i was to receive the following week, on november 12, as my 3 month probationary term ended.

instead, my boss tells me that he's terminating me as part of my 3 months and that it was "a business decision" - effective immediately.

uh. what?!

so, i'm shocked. i don't even know what to say. my boss leaves and the HR lady tells me that i get paid until the end of the week and a bunch of other stuff i tuned out. i ask if this had anything to do with the fact that i have been very ill the past couple of months. she tells me it isn't. she then says it "just wasn't the right fit" and continues to tell me more things.

uh. i bring up the fact that about a month ago, i had a mini performance evaluation in which i was told everything was going great and they were extremely happy with me. the HR lady tells me she will try to look into this further for answers.

i've taken 3 sick days in the time i've been there. 3 completely legitimate sick days - 1 of which i was in the hospital before, 1 of which i was in the hospital after. however, my illness never once affected my work. ever. in fact, before heading to the hospital the second time, i came home and finished up part of the work that needed to be sent out that evening, but the servers were not working too well all day.

so, i was laid off for no reason. pretty much a "you'll reach your 3 months in 4 days but since you haven't, suck it" and now i'm back on the job hunt.

following this, i came home to niagara thursday afternoon. i had managed to get an appointment to see my family doctor friday. friday morning, i began to experience some light side effects from the antibiotics. i talked to my doctor who did bloodwork and another urine test. by friday night,  i was dying with these side effects and took some other medicine to help counteract it.

it seemed to work, as saturday i was only experiencing very minimal side effects. but, on sunday, i was back to being even worse. by 3pm, i was nauseous, dizzy, and having trouble breathing. yes, folks, this was hospital visit #3. in niagara this time. the hospital set me up with hydration IVs, took samples, and bloodwork. 4 hours later, a doctor was telling me to get off the antibiotics, that it looked like the UTI was clearing, and giving me a referral to a urologist.

i can only hope i'll see this specialist sooner rather than later, and that pain doesn't start to come back as i'm not on the antibiotics.

my only priority is to get better before i start my job search again.
but, should you see anything out there where i meet the qualifications, don't hesitate to get in touch.

honours distinction & a vacation

ladies and gentelemen,

i've been recommended for graduation with honours distinction in green business management!

what a good way to end off my "last" year of school. i say last because, well, someday, i'm going to do a masters. i just have no idea when. or in what. sustainable leadership at guelph comes to mind. but.. that's far in the distance.

now onto things that matter: the job hunt.

i had a few interviews before i left for vegas oh right, i went to vegas. i'll talk about that in a bit.

1) an in-person interview with a publishing company for an administrative internship for 2 months, full time. it paid. not much, but it was money. i didn't get it.

2) a phone interview for a data analyst position at a research firm. full time. it paid. not an internship. this was a real job. i blew the phone interview, like, hard. and they still wanted to meet me (score!) so yeah, that happened.

3) another phone interview for a hotel for something i'm not even sure what it was but they called it an internship. this fell through immediately since they were looking for someone that needed a co-op. well, fuck. list that in your job posting! ass.

4) lastly, was a phone interview for summer receptionist place at a specialist organization. it was your standard, full time, summer, minimum wage crap. whatever. i didn't get it.

i had the in-person interview for the data analyst position today and things were going ridiculously well until they told me that they weren't hiring right away and probably wouldn't hire someone new until the fall. well, fuck. why even bother putting up a job posting and pressing for interviews if you're not gonna hire until 4 months from now? god damn. i don't get it. maybe that's just their way of politely telling me to fuck off. it seemed like something i'd be pretty rad at, too. ugh.

did i mention before that i had an interview with a tour guiding place? yeah, that was a weird one. they only paid minimum wage. i never heard from them but it's my own fault for not following up. i honestly just didn't give a fuck. i'm worth more than minimum wage. and even though i highly enjoy tour guiding/customer service crap, i wasn't good enough. hey yeah, fuck you too.

this wasn't meant to sound as negative as it does. but this is my life for the next well.. forever. until i get a job. there's a shred of optimism left. i'll make it through.

i applied to ten other jobs today. i start training for the temporary conference job tomorrow and have 18 hours of work over 2 days. so, i make some money. plus getting paid for 5 hours of training. it's all minimum wage, but i don't care. it's easy and it's fun. i'm happy they hired me on. 7:30am start time sorta sucks though.

oh right, vegas! 

maybe i mentioned this before. maybe i didn't. my family booked tickets back in january for 5 days in vegas. it was pretty cool. highlights include seeing lots of stuff, doing lots of stuff, and eating lots of stuff.

monday: got to the airport at like 6:30am for an 8am flight (ughsdklhskjlgasd) and flew to vegas. checked in at the hotel vdara and went somewhere on the strip for lunch. walked around for awhile trying to figure stuff out. maybe went to the pool? i don't know. we passed out early. saw the fountains at the bellagio.

tuesday: walked up and down the strip looking at various casinos, hotels, and things. gambled on the blue jays losing against the orioles and won a shit ton of money. thank you, jays, for losing. had afternoon beers with my brother at a sports bar and watched the game. went to a world famous expensive sushi restaurant for dinner (nobu) but felt like absolute crap. ate anyway but couldn't enjoy it until nearing the end. would go again but it's fucking expensive. amazing sushi though. had an early night after 'cause i still felt like crap.

wednesday: left the strip and went to red rock canyon. did the tour. went to the red rock canyon indoor climbing gym and spent the afternoon there. i didn't want to leave. it was just amazing rock climbing and gorgeous tattooed dudes with muscles and beards everywhere. heaven. went to the stratosphere and walked around there a bit. was going to have dinner in the revolving restaurant but didn't; too expensive. had happy hour in the lounge instead. walked down that end of the strip a bit and went to circus circus amongst other places. then headed back to vdara and an amazing takeout manadarin chicken salad. passed out shortly after.

thursday: went to check out fremont street. walked around there. tried to go to insert coins but it was closed. had lunch at the patio place next to it. came back to the hotel for a nap and a change. headed out for an early dinner and then saw cirque du soleil's love. great show. went to a pizza place in the casino after. stayed out a bit and saw the strip at night and a couple of the hourly shows on the strip. then back to the hotel.

friday: slept in, packed up all our shit, and checked out of the hotel. gambled away the last of my money before heading to the airport and flying back to buffalo and hanging out in niagara for 2 days. got back to toronto monday morning.

didn't get to experience a whole lot of nightlife, but still a neat place. got a lot of weird stories to tell friends about the trip that maybe aren't exactly meant for a blog post.

las vegas: complete

yes/no

this isn't the first time i've struggled with the job search.

during the summer of the recession, i had a job arranged before the start of the summer. i was to work at marineland, before i was aware of any of the injustice of the place. had i known, i wouldn't have applied to work there. i spent a day "training" with your standard carnival folk; most missing a full set of teeth. i quickly realized this wasn't a place i wanted to be. so i called them out on it. i called them out on not hiring me for what i originally wanted to do. i called them out on extravagant uniform fees for a uniform that didn't fit me. i called them out on forcing me to stay the entire summer to get that uniform fee back, when they knew i wasn't going to be able to stay the entire summer due to prior commitments. and i called them out on the way they told me that i would be able to get transferred over to what i wanted to do at some point during the summer.

i did all of these things not to be a shit disturber, but to stand my own ground once i realized how terrible a place and employer marineland actually was. upon the end of training (which i was not paid for), i asked any of the supervisors if they even had a clue who i was. none of them were able to remember my name. i spent 9 hours with these people and caused more than one scene and they didn't have an idea who i was. i walked out of there just barely holding onto any dignity i had left.

i never looked back after that.

my move to toronto was a way for me to emerge into the expanding sustainability industry, since niagara seemed to lack all opportunities for growth and development in sustainability. i've completed an unpaid environmental internship with my program last year. i took on an unpaid internship for my first toronto summer to improve my skills that were underdeveloped and because i wasn't able to land something that paid. it's ongoing but has been at a bit of standstill since the end of the summer. i was never much of a believer in the dude running the internship as he had too many wild ideas that were not feasible for his target market. his vision was never clear to me. i think he only lasted through the summer with my help.

in january, i started my third internship in just over a year. yes, if you did your math correctly, i haven't worked in paid employment since august 2011. it's now nearly march of 2013. i rent an apartment in downtown toronto that is not cheap. OSAP gave me money for the school year, but it's running out fast with tuition and rent costs. i've always lived a pretty frugal lifestyle, but it's becoming a bit difficult. i've never had a "real" job. the majority of my working life has been seasonal, part-time, minimum wage jobs. the summer of 2007 and 2010 were the only summers where i had a full-time job; at $8.25 & $10.25 an hour, respectively. for 3 years, i worked somewhere in the 12-16 hours per week range with slightly above minimum wage pay. all that money i saved up is now gone -- tuition, rent, & expenses.

i bring all of this up because i had another interview for an unpaid internship this week. it's a start-up venture as a waste diversion not for profit organization. he's competing with the "big five" waste diversion companies who are for profit; whereas his client's donations would go to charity & expenses of the organization. i read this guy fairly well and he seems to have a passion for this type of thing, outside his lack of sustainability education. he's a businessman; and a successful one with several networks to make his business work. i could see that he and i were much the same, sharing similar passions and values for all things green and logical. he was a well grounded dude, and i really enjoyed that about him.

and as much as this would be a wonderful opportunity for me, i just can't take it because it doesn't pay. he would allow me to run things the way that i want; to educate, to edit, to write, to facilitate, and so on. he was more than eager to have me on his team as he knew how much i would be able to help his business. and i knew i could help him with ease. but he wasn't able to offer me something that pays, although he would like to do that. when i asked him about his timelines and goals for the business, he once again proved to have a solid understanding of where he wants to be, both as an individual and a business. but as a start-up venture, i can relate to the expenses of not being able to pay employees (hell; i've created the business plan for my own start-up venture and i can't afford to pay myself or my other investors on my team).

the bottom line? he knows what he's doing and i can see his business succeeding in the near future.

but right now, i need an organization that recognizes how i can benefit them and has the ability to pay me for my hard work and effort.

go go gadget... job?

they shoot unemployed people, don't they?

i had my interview with steamwhistle on monday for retail and event staff.

there were about 50 people, more or less, in the group interview. i was terrified on the inside but not so much on the outside. when everyone introduced themselves, i felt extremely discouraged. so many of these people were definitely more experienced in life, work, school, travel, whatever, than me. there were a few others that i knew i was better than them. but i still didn't feel as though i had much of a chance.

it started off with introductions; went onto a game of improv/charades (of which i didn't get a time to participate.. grr); then a brewery tour (with a beer in hand, of course); followed by breaking off into groups to create a steamwhistle commercial (something i've definitely done before); and ended with a brief Q&A. it was at the end of it all when they said that they were hiring for at most 12 positions, and there was a second group interview happening right after mine was finished. son of a bitch.

pretty much knowing i didn't have a chance, i had another 2 beers during the rest of the interview. i didn't care at this point. i didn't have any hopes -- and i was totally okay with that. it's not exactly what i'm looking for, even for a shitty summer job. and to no avail, i received the rejection email early this afternoon. sometimes, like a really fucking horrible first date, you just know things aren't going to work out in your favour. so fuck it all, i'm just gonna drink some beer. i'm sort of glad i found out today and not like, the end of the week, or never -- like the majority of niagara employers.

the better news was that i got an email/callback from mama earth organics to set up an interview. so i hope that goes over smoothly. this place is definitely more my style of things. it would be swell if i could find something soon-ish. my bank account moneys are gettin' pretty low.

the job hunt continues.

the job hunt begins

the last possible day of exams is april 20th. which means there are just under 50 days left of my first post-graduate career.

how did that happen?

so, in 50 days, i'll have an undergraduate degree and a post-graduate degree. and that should make me qualified to do something cool, right? like.. a job with something in my field. like.. a job where i can use what i've learned in the last 6 years and apply it to some kind of a real world situation. am i wrong?

i'll be honest. last year's disappointment in the summer job/career search left me feeling pretty down. i'm still not entirely sure what it was that i was doing wrong -- or if it wasn't me, but rather, them.

a recession.
a terrible employer.
a "we have jobs but we don't have jobs".
a decline in tourism.
a decline in sales.
a decline in jobs.
an overhiring.
the list goes on.

i was not happy with anything that happened last summer and my income definitely reflects that. but there wasn't a whole lot i could do to combat how terrible things were in the job market.

yet, it doesn't seem any different being in toronto. jobs i applied to back in september/december had no calls. jobs i've applied to in january/february still have no calls. jobs i'm applying to now -- for things i know i can do -- have no calls. i have many more connections and networking possibilities in the city but only a couple that can work out to my advantage. but i don't necessarily want to be that kid who gets the sweet job 'cause they know somebody; the ethics and the morals would get the best of me.

i know i'm not the only one suffering trying to find a job. several of my friends who are recent graduates or quit work looking for something better are still having the same issues at attempting to find a job, summer or otherwise.

i'm walking into this job hunt with a little bit of optimism; whatever actually remains from last summer's ridiculous 7 jobs i mostly had for a 2 week span. only because i feel like i have more of an opportunity to land something, whether it's in my field or not, in the city rather than back in niagara.

statistics of 400 applicants for an entry level, minimum wage secretarial position in niagara still scares the fuck out of me.

resolution

i have a tendency to make the same resolutions year after year. but they aren't those generic resolutions to eat better, lose weight, or work out more (which, are all related and let's face it; i don't really need to do any of those things).

no, my resolutions are of a different kind suited to my inner well-being rather than the exterior. and if i can simplify my resolution into two words:

better decision-making. 

2011 was a rough year in any and almost all of the decisions i made. many were life-changing. many were wrong. and many were decisions i can never take back. but there was an upside to several of my decisions on occasion, so not everything was as bad as i'm making it out to be. in fact, i know exactly when things began to take a turn for the worst and pretty much just spiraled out of control. there were too many months where i felt as though i had reverted back to my 15 year old self through decisions that were made.

and hey, i loved my 15 year old self. just not enough to go back to it again.

generally, i'm a pretty fucking happy girl. i don't focus on negatives. i manage my stress effectively. i don't really shut people out and tend to give second chances when i probably shouldn't. i don't say a lot of mean things without sarcasm and hell, i love my friends and family to death. but my decision-making could always be better. and, i'll be honest: i was hurt more times than i can count in 2011.

a rejection from niagara meant i had no future; but opened up the scrambled possibility of moving to toronto and going to seneca.
i lost friends due to reasons beyond my control; but gained new ones (albeit who knows how much better some of them are).
i successfully ruined my longest relationship on more than one occasion; and well, i'm still waiting for the positive yang to my yin on this one.

2011 definitely overstayed its welcome.

here's to the new year:
- to keeping healthy;
- to being active;
- for good times with family and friends;
- for a better relationship to find me when the time is right; and
- to better, all around decision-making on my part.

cheers to 2012.

what if

sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice.

i guess it really wasn't my choice to make. with the rejection from niagara and that being the only school i applied to for a post-grad, i was scrambling for something better. but it made me wonder and showed that it was almost fate that i didn't get in.

let's face it: 8 months at niagara would mean 8 more months of living at home and i definitely would not have been able to stand that. i doubt i would be learning anything about project management or getting 100% on assignments (okay, i don't know about the latter). still, i love every aspect of city life. the nightlife, the closeness, the transportation, the friends, the accessibility, and being on my own for sure rules.

i just imagine how things would be different if i didn't scramble to apply to seneca and get in -- even though it wasn't exactly what i wanted. but it's now shaping up to be something that could be beneficial to me in the long run.

i realized how different college life and university life are -- both through the atmosphere and the teaching/grading styles. yes, i'm post-grad, but fuck, if it's 8am and i just got up at 6am, i should have every right to show up in trackpants. fuck all of you for thinking otherwise. and the midterms. oh god, the midterms. i've written 4 so far with a 5th tomorrow. i fucking hate midterms. i didn't have any in my final year of university; i think the last time was in my 4th year. oh yeah, and what happened on that midterm? i scored 100% on short answer and essay questions. yeah. it was a good way to end my university midterm career. this also goes with final exams too --  i only had one final exam in my last year at brock and i did quite well.

i guess i'm just not a fan of testing. my memory, she ain't what she used to be and i find myself blanking on questions i should know... but don't. i prefer writing papers in order to collect my thoughts and ideas and apply them accordingly -- 'cause hell, i can express myself and argue my opinions pretty well! this seems no different in the marks i get from papers/reports/assignments so far. but, even my test scores are turning around. it's all just a matter of my focus at the time. if my mind is elsewhere (and it tends to be), i'm gonna do terrible. but if it's not, i'll more than likely be successful. hell week and a half is winding down to a close tomorrow and it's pretty much smooth sailing with only a few assignments to complete before final exams.

this seneca post-grad or a niagara post-grad was not what i intended. it's no applied master's, but it's going to have to work out.. for now. i just don't enjoy this all theory with no action thing. i want action with less theory!