the year everything ended in november

you might recall about a year ago, i was in a really bad place. i wrote countless blog posts about how everything in my life, including, well, me living a life, turned to absolute shit very quickly.

it was a combination of falling ill for 6+ months and losing my job where i wasn't sure things could get any worse. but let this be a lesson to everyone: the minute you think nothing is going to get worse from where you are, you're wrong. so very wrong. when you're ill for 6+ months, you pick up other sicknesses on the way and lose any and all hope you ever had that you were going to get better at some point. you lose track of who you are, physically and mentally. i got lucky that the severity of my symptoms were limited and that it was diagnosed and treated correctly the first time without my body rejecting the antibiotics. i got lucky that i had a strong family and friends base to keep me going. but it became arduous to keep on explaining to anyone who asked what was wrong with me. i wanted to believe it was something more than what the doctors kept telling me. how did everyone else get over this easily? why was it only me that had these issues? why was i the only one who needed to be hospitalized several times with no end in sight?

"why me?" was a phrase i uttered too many times during the course of treatment. nurses and doctors continued to greet me with looks of disappointment.  

"i thought i told you the last time you were here that i didn't want to see you again" i wish i had an answer. "

you might just have to be on antibiotic treatment for the rest of your life" were words that chill me to the bone to this day.

and maybe it was the stress of my job. or maybe it was that dude i was with awhile back i knew nothing about. maybe it's diet. maybe it's environmental factors. whatever it was, i wouldn't wish what i went through on anyone. i'd be a very happy girl if i never had to set foot in a doctor's office or hospital again.

a year ago, the life i had was taken from me abruptly and i was now bound to a life of "sorry, i can't hang out, i'm in the hospital". i'll always remember november 2013 of the worst month of my life up until that point.

but by january 2014, things began to change yet again. symptoms persisted and i knew i had to be strong. i was hired on at a job which i love, despite me not being able to make rent. i pressed on to events i wanted to go to and simpsons trivia nights that let us win first place a number of times. in july, i met a great dude who wasn't from the internet. yes, a real dude. and he's showing me what a real relationship is supposed to be like. it's amazing and only continues to get better as time goes on.

so, maybe things have to reach an all time low at some point before things ever start to get better. just try not to be deceived when what you think is the bottom ends up to be actually be further than you thought.

fear of intimacy

i'm watching season 2 of the simpsons and in one fish, two fish, blowfish, blue fish, homer eats a poisonous part of a fish and is given 24 (no.. 22) hours to live. on his list of things to do, he makes one of the top (but very end of his list) items to "be intamit with marge"...

and the more that i think about it, the more i'm developing anxiety over intimacy and sex. not at all related to my commitment phobia, but rather, the belief that consenting to any dude touching me is just going to make me sick.

i'm afraid that every doctor i've seen in nearly six months is overlooking something huge. the symptoms i began to experience in may seemed to be directly correlated to someone i was seeing at the time. although this dude did not last very long in my life (for good reason), i also knew next to nothing about him, as things like that were never discussed. his previous partners, his previous sexual experiences and encounters, as well as the last time he was tested, were never something we talked about.

but this was not the first time i had gotten myself into this kind of situation and foolishly expected nothing to come from it. i hadn't been this careless in a long time but since i knew it wasn't going to last, i tried to enjoy it while it did. in fact, i hardly ever have this conversation with any of the dudes i'm seeing unless things get lengthy or we've acknowledged that this is not a monogamous relationship. and now that i'm getting older, i suppose it's getting to a time where this should be one of the main things discussed before becoming intimate.

the main problem i face while going through this illness is that my commitment issues are running wild in more than just my love life. i'm having trouble committing to hanging out with friends or going out and doing things on my own for the fear of never knowing what kind of shape i'll be in at any hour of the day. this becomes even more difficult when prospective dudes and new friends want to hang out. this is even worse should i be required to meet a potential employer for a face-to-face interview.

there's only so many times where i can bail on friends before i turn into that flaky friend which i have never wanted to be. think about how hard it is from my point of view - from someone who thrives on social interaction - and due to my health, cannot be bothered to leave my apartment because i feel like absolute shit. what i don't want at this point is to start a new relationship with a dude and have to bring him into all of my health problems. i don't want anyone to have to deal with this that isn't me.

i just want to be cured and i don't want the cure to be me on antibiotics every month for the rest of my life.

the cheating curve

i wanted to write about how the cystoscopy went this week but i'm actually tired about writing about how terrible my health is and how there aren't any answers for me. the good news is that everything came back normal and they took another urine sample. they put me on 3 days of a new antibiotic to prevent any new infection from occurring and to kill off whatever infection remained.

in the meantime, i'm still waiting for complete feeling and mobility of my left leg and foot to come back entirely and not feel like constant pins and needles. i don't know why it ended up happening this way, but i am not impressed.

great. now let's go on to what is currently keeping me awake:

infidelity.

no, i'm not in a relationship. but i remember when i was. i remember when i was some dude's girlfriend, and i almost want to use that term loosely, since there was never a distinct indication of the time we seemed to go from coworkers to friends to out one night to walking me home to in my bed to seeing each other to wait, what, i'm now your girlfriend to uhhh i don't know how i feel about this to god only knows what.

and 3 months later, that's what it was. i was officially a girlfriend because i was told. i didn't have an opinion in the matter. and i guess you can say that's likely when it all started to go downhill and i realized we were totally wrong for each other. i started wandering off. i started hanging out with dudes where i knew something would happen, because it always did.

and right around this time, this dude, who i was the apparent girlfriend of, and we had been together for four months, decided to tell me that he was in love with me.

me. 
he was in love with me.

you want a sure way to ruin everything? tell a commitaphobe 4 months into barely dating that you're in love with her. yeah, see how that goes.

i always had a sneaking suspicion that he was beginning to know what i was up to some nights when i went out. i was young. i wanted to go out and see my friends. he was a homebody. he wanted to see his friends. i hated his friends. i hated his family. i hated being with him. i hated how every other dude in my life made me feel better about myself - even if there wasn't anything between us at the time. i hated knowing that he told me he loved me and i didn't say anything back. and never did. i hated knowing that i was going to have to break up with him. but i couldn't. i was stubborn and he was in love. i knew he was the one that would have to break up with me in order for this to work out in my favour.

so, i started hanging out more with my friends. and he started hanging out more with some of his new friends. one of his classmates. a girl. a girl who was married and old and "ugly" - his words. he told me she was not his type. but i'm not even sure he knew who his type was. they would do lots of things together. and when time came for us to do the long distance thing, she brought him to see a jays game once and then i met up with them. it just seemed odd that this married woman was hanging out with this 22 year old dude. but as i was looking for a way out, i didn't care.

more months passed and then i got a text from him saying that some girl at a party kissed him. well, hey! here's my way out! except, fuck that. i knew i was better than breaking up with him over text. so, i let it slide. and kept doing what i was doing. i wasn't sleeping around but just keeping my options open. a few weeks later, i came home and was making every excuse not to see him. eventually, he was fed up and broke up with me through a text message. really, dude? uh, okay. you do that then. he obviously took it a lot harder than me (as they.. always tend to do.. i'm just heartless or something) and had to unfriend me on facebook and all that.

and from time to time, i'd lurk a profile or two. guess who he's dating now? that married girl. she might even still be married. i don't fucking know or care. it's just bizarre. and well, at least i know now that i had a right to be suspicious of them in the first place.

i say all of this because in the last year or so, i've been propositioned on more than one occasion to get with married/committed dudes. all with psycho wives/girlfriends. talking to them is one thing. sexting is another. but i don't see what i'm doing or what they're doing as wrong or cheating. it was only when i physically kissed other dudes - that was my line drawn on the cheating curve. yes, i talked. yes, i flirted. yes, i wanted it all. but until there was something physical, i was convinced i was never in the wrong. and currently. this is sort of how i continue to feel about the opportunities i'm presented with.

some have been going on for a year. some come and go in monthly intervals or when i'm mostly just feeling down. some i've even turned down because i don't want to get involved. i'm all for open marriages and open relationships. i'm all for primary partners and polygamy. i've been there. i've done that. and actually, it's kind of nice. gone are the days when one person can give the other what they need. but any of the ones i've been involved with have yet to become physical. in fact, it gets a little hard to believe when a much older, married man, tries to explain to me how much he cares for me. that isn't what i signed up for. and it doesn't necessarily make me feel better about myself when a sketchy, old, married man with kids is saying these things to me.

i'm not a naive girl. and it's because i tend to get myself into these situations over and over again that i know when and how to get out of them. participating in someone else's infidelity is not my fault.

i only wish i knew that earlier.

i forget what it feels like to be healthy

i'm still not 100% as we've now hit the fourth month of being sick.

i had an appointment with a toronto urologist on tuesday after i finished the remaining c diff antibiotics friday night. i never want to see, taste, or take another pill ever again. and i never want to wake up with a new side effect ever again.

think of the absolute worst hangover you've had in your life. the nausea. the body aches. the headache. then multiply it by about 1000 and there you have how i felt for 5 days. constant, 24 hour nausea. what's worse is that i had to take the antibiotics with food or else it would be bad. ever tried eating when you're nauseous as fuck? it's not good.

i told the toronto urologist about all of my problems and all he could really tell me is that it sounds like i've just had an extremely unlucky set of events in the past four months. his sympathy was greatly appreciated once he put it into perspective. and here, i thought it was just me. he scheduled me for a cystoscopy for next week. they're gonna look inside my bladder and see if there's something in there causing the infections.

before any of this started, i never had a dream that involved doctors, hospitals, or me being sick. a few days before i was hospitalized back in september, i had a dream that i was seeing a doctor who told me i had a "self inflicted STD" - whatever that means. it's stuck with me, even though it didn't make any sense. i hadn't been with anyone and well, let's be honest, hadn't really helped myself out much either.

before i met with the toronto urologist, i had a dream i was back in the hospital undergoing some kind of a procedure for an "embolism" - but they were sticking needles in my tummy. again, this is a dream that's stuck with me because my subconscious seems to know when something is wrong with me before my body does.

and although i'm back on the job hunt in the most minimal way and back to having stupid, waste of my time interviews (like the ones i had yesterday, amongst the other five hundred people looking to score similar positions by meeting with an employer for 5 minutes), i just want to be better before i get out there again.

there's no telling when i'm actually going to feel 100%, as i kind of forget what that feels like. it has been over four months since i've felt healthy.

i'll just continue to take this one day at a time.

unemployed & more health issues

a lot can change in 2 weeks.

i finished the second round of antibiotics on sunday november 3. on the saturday, i went to the clinic for a follow up. i told the doctor i was feeling better and he told me to continue what i'm doing and come in a week later to do another urine sample.

i was feeling better for about two days. on wednesday, i woke up with the dull back ache and a bit of a tummy ache. well, that's not good. i went to the clinic on my lunch break and did another urine test. the doctor, once again, said i'm fighting something and put me back on the same antibiotics i just had for round 2, but for longer - 10 days this time. i went back to work and finished out the day.

i went to work thursday morning and settled in for another day. about twenty minutes into starting my work, my boss comes over and asks to talk to me. he brings me into one of the conference rooms with the HR lady. i figured they were just going to go over my benefits package again, which i was to receive the following week, on november 12, as my 3 month probationary term ended.

instead, my boss tells me that he's terminating me as part of my 3 months and that it was "a business decision" - effective immediately.

uh. what?!

so, i'm shocked. i don't even know what to say. my boss leaves and the HR lady tells me that i get paid until the end of the week and a bunch of other stuff i tuned out. i ask if this had anything to do with the fact that i have been very ill the past couple of months. she tells me it isn't. she then says it "just wasn't the right fit" and continues to tell me more things.

uh. i bring up the fact that about a month ago, i had a mini performance evaluation in which i was told everything was going great and they were extremely happy with me. the HR lady tells me she will try to look into this further for answers.

i've taken 3 sick days in the time i've been there. 3 completely legitimate sick days - 1 of which i was in the hospital before, 1 of which i was in the hospital after. however, my illness never once affected my work. ever. in fact, before heading to the hospital the second time, i came home and finished up part of the work that needed to be sent out that evening, but the servers were not working too well all day.

so, i was laid off for no reason. pretty much a "you'll reach your 3 months in 4 days but since you haven't, suck it" and now i'm back on the job hunt.

following this, i came home to niagara thursday afternoon. i had managed to get an appointment to see my family doctor friday. friday morning, i began to experience some light side effects from the antibiotics. i talked to my doctor who did bloodwork and another urine test. by friday night,  i was dying with these side effects and took some other medicine to help counteract it.

it seemed to work, as saturday i was only experiencing very minimal side effects. but, on sunday, i was back to being even worse. by 3pm, i was nauseous, dizzy, and having trouble breathing. yes, folks, this was hospital visit #3. in niagara this time. the hospital set me up with hydration IVs, took samples, and bloodwork. 4 hours later, a doctor was telling me to get off the antibiotics, that it looked like the UTI was clearing, and giving me a referral to a urologist.

i can only hope i'll see this specialist sooner rather than later, and that pain doesn't start to come back as i'm not on the antibiotics.

my only priority is to get better before i start my job search again.
but, should you see anything out there where i meet the qualifications, don't hesitate to get in touch.

repeat offender (my second toronto hospital visit)

remember that kidney infection from last month?

yep, so do i.

after i finished those antibiotics, i probably felt okay for about a week. and then i started noticing that i'd get sharp pains or cramps for like, a second, and then they'd go away. a few more weeks later, i was noticing that i was peeing more frequently, too. and it seemed as though i was falling into the symptoms i had last time.

this past saturday, i noticed that i was peeing an insane amount for only having a tea and a glass of juice in the morning. i decided that if it happened again on sunday, i'd go to the doctor. it didn't. what did happen on sunday was more sharp pains - consistent throughout the day and evening - that last for a second and go away. well, that's not normal.

my own room! fancy!

so, monday morning, i went to the doctor and did a urine sample, which came back positive for something and i had an abnormal white cell count. i was definitely fighting something. he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and told me to wait until the results, unless the symptoms got worse. monday evening, i went pee and my entire body decided to hurt pretty bad and continue to hurt all throughout the night. barely sleeping, i woke up the next morning and had a sick day. i got the prescription filled and started to feel a bit better after taking them.

wednesday morning, i took a pill and the pain and discomfort did not go away. i went into work, despite feeling ill. i called the clinic and asked if my results were back and they told me to come in again. i went to the doctor after work, but the culture sample the doctor wanted to see wasn't back yet. but, he said i had a high fever and when he touched my tummy, everything seemed very sore. so, he wrote me a note to be admitted to the emergency room at the hospital.. again.

big guns: IV antibiotics

wonderful! wednesday evening, around 7:30pm, i checked myself in. by 10:30pm, two doctors examined me and tried to figure out my problem. at about midnight, they came back and told me that they're going to order an ultrasound, do bloodwork, and put me on IV antibiotics. but that i'd get home.. "eventually". with this referral from the clinic, i had my own room and it was kind of quiet. i was in and out of sleep for most of the time. the IV antibiotics made me feel less pain and discomfort. at 3am, i saw another doctor who told me to keep taking the antibiotics i got from the clinic and to go home to rest. they scheduled me for an ultrasound again, this time at 2pm.

i got home around 4am and went to sleep. i awoke and felt better with only minimal pain. i went back for the ultrasound at 2pm, waited for results, only to find the exact same thing as the last ultrasound: nothing. zilch. everything's healthy and functional.

so, it's either another UTI/kidney infection and i have seriously bad luck (it's unusual since i haven't been with anyone in months & never had a UTI before this) or that the one from september just didn't go away completely.

uh. here's hoping the second round of antibiotics kicks it in the butt!

complications of a medical nature

you might remember how i've been battling a kidney infection for about 2 weeks. it hasn't been fun, i can assure you.

after i missed 3 days of work in one week, went to work for one day, and then had my first vacation day - this week was a lot more difficult getting back into the swing of things. i took a vacation day on friday sept 13th to go home & do home things, like go to the dentist and get a haircut. i spent the entire weekend laying low and trying to get better.

i was trying to find the best way to take the pills they gave me but every time i tried to take them, i got really anxious/nervous because they were so awful. it's not like me to be this way when it comes to, well, anything. they couldn't be chewed. they couldn't be swallowed, even when cut in half. i tried to cut them into 4s but then they were jagged as fuck and not any easier. i smashed them up and put them into water/juice.. nope.. still tasted too awful. i couldn't win. at times, i was only taking half or 75% of a pill because the rest just wouldn't be allowed into my body. i figured this was better than not taking them, i suppose.

work this week was busy, as usual, and i did my best to keep up. that's when i noticed on wednesday when i got back to the office: my skin had broken out into a rash. i thought maybe it was just on my arms and hands. i thought i touched something on my way back from lunch and reacted to it. i noticed my face felt extremely hot and burnt. when i looked in the mirror, it looked like i had been on the beach for 9 hours. i was outside at lunch for maybe 10-15 minutes that day. something was up. i did what i could to hide the rash from my coworkers and finished out the day. when i got home, i noticed that the rash was all over my body but was only slightly itchy in parts. i've never had anything like this before, so i figured it would go away by the next day. looking at the side effects of the antibiotics, it said that i might experience red, blotchy patches and a sensitivity to sunlight - but to consult a doctor if it happens.

i woke up the next morning and it was still prominent. ugh. i sent an email to my boss and told him i'd be going to the walk in clinic. at 9am, i admitted myself to the walk-in clinic and waited for a doctor who told me that it's very common to have an allergic reaction to this type of antibiotics. what was uncommon was having an allergic reaction 9 days into antibiotics that last for 10 days. fuck you, body. so, she told me to take an allergy pill and it should go away. by saturday, it did.

okay, i've had enough of this "being sick" thing. can i go back to being healthy now?

my first toronto hospital experience

it's been a rough few days.

work had been so hectic last week. on friday, i wasn't sure what to do for lunch, so i went to a food court and picked up some chinese food to eat at my desk through lunch. it just so happened that HBC was promoting "free lunch fridays" and bought me my food. that was swell of them. i ate most of it pretty fast.

a few hours later, i was having intense stomach pain. oh good. the chinese food and my tummy are battling it out. i was not impressed. i left work early and came home to the next 4-5 hours of being seriously nauseous. i had food poisoning earlier in february, and that was not fun. plus, i had one other day in march i think, where i was so hungover all day & i didn't even drink that much.. but must have been the mix of wine & beer.

anyway, saturday, i still felt like crap. not overly nauseous but crappy enough. by sunday, i was starting to feel a little better but still had some minimal stomach pain. sunday night, the pain was so severe that i couldn't sleep and could barely move. yep, it was time to go to the hospital. at 2am, i left my place and hailed a taxi who took me so st. mike's. i was registered and waiting by 2:30am. by 3am, i was in a hospital bed and things were moving relatively quickly. they took some bloodwork, a urine sample, and i had a variety of doctors and nurses come by to check me out and see how i'm doing. they gave me some tylenol 3's for the pain and my in-and-out fever.

sometime after 5, the majority of the tests had come back and were all negative so they decided to keep me overnight for an ultrasound in the morning. i tried to get some rest as they stapled the guy's skull who was in the room next to me. that's something i could've done without hearing. at 6:30am. they moved me to a new room and a comfier bed where i was supposed to sleep because it was quieter, except it wasn't. at 8am, i was being prepped by a nurse for my ultrasound, and shortly after 9am, i had my first (and hopefully last) ultrasound.

fancy new IVs

i'll admit, i was really scared at this point. i was in a lot of pain, high on tylenol 3's, cold, anxious, nervous, nauseated, and not only was it my first time in a toronto hospital, but it was my first time in any hospital alone. prior to this was my case of appendicitis in 2008.. and man, have we come a long way in technological medical advances since then! for instance, the fancy new IVs? yeah, in 2008, i had to be hooked up to one of those wheely carts. now i could walk freely around!

by 10am, i was back in my hospital bed waiting patiently for my results. a new nurse came by and started talking to me. she told me i looked okay and that sometimes, it's nothing. i think she knew how scared and nervous i was. she really helped ease my fear. i was also sleepless at this point, so i'm sure that didn't help.

around 11am, a new doctor came to see me and told me that everything on the ultrasound was normal, healthy, & functional. but that my urine sample was positive for a bladder infection/kidney infection, so he'd put me on antibiotics for 10 days. i'm relieved.

what i had was something treatable! they gave me a pill, some water & juice, a cheese sandwich to eat, and my prescription, but didn't tell me i could leave. before i had even finished my sandwich, an orderly had come by to change my bed. uh, i guess i can leave then? i asked around to make sure.. and i did. maybe you should be clearer in your communication to me, rather than just handing me some stuff and leaving, without saying anything.

i noticed right away that the pill had taken the stomach pain away. i felt better for most of the day and took another pill before bed. on tuesday morning, i woke up and felt.. okay. not great. i took a pill and went about my getting ready for work routine. but when i got to work, i felt like absolute shit. i lasted 2 hours and came home to my back being super sore. i tried a couple of tylenol, but that didn't help and made me feel nauseous. i was in and out of fever & chills all afternoon. sometime after 6pm, i fell asleep and woke up after 8 feeling much better and less nauseous. i took another pill and went to bed, but didn't sleep that great.

instead of bothering to go to work today, when i woke up, i still felt like crap. i took a pill and felt better. i've been able to eat today and somehow managed to do laundry and clean the kitchen. but now i'm beat and feel a fever. it could also just be this heat. y'know, 43 degrees in september. it figures i'd be sick on the hottest days of the year.

i'm alive and stuff. for those of you who were with me through this entire wild ride, thanks! you definitely made my toronto hospital visit a better experience.

acceptance

i like to think of acceptance as both good and really terrible. why? i'm glad you asked.

i've been doing a lot of 'accepting' in 2012 so far. for instance, i accepted that i had a cold and i beat it down until i felt better with natural remedies. then, i was fine for almost a week until my body decided to play a cruel joke on me and make me feel six thousand times worse than i actually did before. and when i didn't accept the fact that i haven't felt that bad since i was about 7 years old, it got worse. much worse. i had to accept that i needed help, went to the walk-in clinic, and healed myself through antibiotics that i'm currently finishing up tomorrow.

from this terrible sickness, i had to accept that i would be falling behind in schoolwork. i was able to make up the quizzes/assignments i missed with no problem (but there's no telling if i did well on them). i was surprised at the amount i had missed in one short week -- when i only have class 3 days a week. yes, i sacrificed 4 days a week of school for scheduling of 5 classes in 3 days. which also means i'm stuck at school for a glorious 14 hours on wednesdays and thursdays. in turn, i spend a ton of money during these days trying to feed myself (eating on campus is costly) and by the time i get home around 8pm, i'm exhausted and don't want to cook, so i spend more money on a little dinner. but i've accepted 2 days a week of spending into an unemployed grad student budget.

i began to accept that my apartment renovations will never be finished. there was a time, briefly, when renovations took place 5 days a week, monday to friday. the drilling, hammering, painting, dust, and overall noise from these renovations was driving me crazy and made it extremely difficult to concentrate (or for the better part of january, get some rest to get over a sickness). it's saturday today, and this morning i was rudely awoken by the loud sounds of hammering above or below me at 9am. it's now almost 4pm and the hammering and drilling have yet to stop. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! do your fucking renovations on weekdays and  leave my weekends free of the noise! ugh. i wish i had the ability to block out noise and sleep through anything.

i've accepted the fact that too many of my plans involve (and are dependent on) drinking in some way. this became evident while being on those antibiotics and i wasn't able to go out and drink, so i just didn't go out at all. this isn't necessarily a bad thing; i just never realized it before.

i suppose the good news here is that i was accepted to seneca's post-grad green business management program for september 2012. but there's no telling what will happen in between now and when i have to accept the offer. i could get offered a sweet as job doing something cool. or, y'know, still be an unemployed bum.

we'll see how i go about accepting things in the near future.