adventures in tinder, part 2

besides the fact that tinder now crashes my phone every time the app opens, i've kind of laid it to rest. but not before coming across something in particular.

there he was, using the same photo from 3 years ago.

3 years ago, i was in a bit of a weird place, trying to figure out my life. i had 4 different dudes i was seeing at the same time and he was one of them. fortunately enough for me, he was designated for sex and nothing more. that was established pretty quickly. he was just old enough to know all the right everything. i was just young enough to give in.

i'll never forget the time when he thought i was 28. i'd hope by then i would've been in a better place. although he was much older than me, he was in the same place i was. he didn't have a job. i think he had just finished school or was about to finish school. he didn't know what he wanted and neither did i. what we had in common was only each other. even his nerdiness, although similar to my own, did not line up. i found myself shy around him, unable to converse. he'd invite me over to his parkdale apartment, feed me drinks i've never heard of, show me films i've never seen, and spend countless hours watching futurama with me. he'd always ask me to stay over and sometimes i did.

i knew it was never going to last and i was quite surprised it went on for as long as it did. i never initiated anything with him because i never needed to do so. there was just something about him that made me kept going back for more, and the sex wasn't even that good. there wasn't a spark. it was just.. something. i still can't figure it out.

what threw me for a loop when i saw him on tinder was that same photo. all of them were the same ones i remember. it had been 3 years. even if it was your best picture, in 3 years, you should've at least taken a different one to use. you have the technology.

i swiped right just to see what would happen. so far, there hasn't been a match.

i'm okay with that.

a life together

i once dated a dude who had his life together.

at the time, my life was far from together. all i remember thinking whenever we hung out was that i couldn't be with this dude because, well, he had his life together and i didn't. he had a steady job he liked. he had an income that allowed him to have a car in the city and live in a fancy apartment without struggling to pay his bills. and me? i was trying to figure life out as a starving post-grad living in the city for the first time. the kicker was that he didn't go to school and he was my age, yet had all of this, life togetherness, the thing i've been yearning for since birth, figured out already.

in conversations with friends, i'd mention how he wasn't the only dude i was dating at the time. but i'd also mention how different each of the dudes i was dating at the time were and how they each made me feel differently. i liked hanging out with him and the sex was incredible. but as time wore on, i had every excuse waiting for the inevitable ride home and not let him spend the night. where was this future going? is that what we were even doing? past relationships and the future of us were never discussed, but with him, i wasn't sure a future would even be possible. i couldn't understand what it was that kept him coming back to me. i was always available and yet, we still didn't even manage to hang as much as one would've thought since i started to lean away from him and into another dude where a future seemed more likely.

so when that other dude didn't end up the way it was meant to be, mr. life together was still hanging out, waiting for me. and as i was still picking up the pieces of myself, he sat me down for the first time and asked me where things were going. he talked to me about settling and i stared at him, nearly dropping my beer in disbelief. why now? why me? my life, at this time, was even less together than it ever was and he was willing to see past all of that. although he was not aware of my recent fall out with the other dude, (of which the two of them managed to meet once and i was essentially scared and couldn't stop grinning the entire time) he had no idea that i was not in any shape to settle down with anyone, even someone as loving and forgiving as he had been to me over the course of our dating life. i shook my head. i wouldn't and couldn't rebound into him. that wouldn't be fair to anyone involved.

the next time we hung out, i had no excuses to not bring him home with me. unfortunately, he did. and i couldn't even fight it. he had made his choice and i had made mine. what i didn't know then, was that dudes with their life together are uhh.. elusive and don't come around very often.

the irony of this story is that back when my life was an entire fuck up of epic proportions was also the time when i was at the peak of desirability.  my life (and me) needed saving and each of the dudes i had picked for that saving either made things better or worse, depending on the timing and situation. and now that i'm mildly self sufficient and have my life together? i don't need to be saved anymore, i just need someone around to open jars and reach items on the top shelf.

last year, i ran into mr. life together on two separate occasions where he was attending with his girlfriend but she wasn't with him when we exchanged pleasantries. unfortunately, i'm not a girl who waits around for dudes.

it wasn't me back then and it's not me now; i think i've come to terms with that.

but i'd probably throw that all away in a second for one more chance to hold his hand.

the girlfriend gene

i probably don't say it enough, but i'm so thankful for my family.

my parents are amazing people who have been able to handle me both at my best and at my worst with unconditional love. they give me hope when i feel like i have none. i can say the same thing about my brother who, as of the past few years, has been a major influence in my life. watching us grow up from disliking each other entirely to becoming as close as we are now has essentially shaped the girl i am over the last five years.

i've talked about how my brother and i are very similar in both personality and stature, but we also deal with romantic endeavors the same way. now, you might think it's weird that we do, but you have to understand that although my parents have been happily married for 32 (!!!) years now, i can't say that anyone else in my family or extended family has been that lucky. my half sister was only recently married a few years ago and things aren't great for her. my one half brother doesn't seem like the kind of dude that can even talk to girls. my other half brother married a, for lack of a better term, a slut, way too early and divorced. his kid (my nephew) is only growing up totally fucked because of it, but i love the kid. my brother's relationships have a tendency to end shitty, if you can call some of them relationships. and then there's me.

yesterday, while at the bar watching the jays game, i asked about my brother's.. kind of.. sort of.. not really girlfriend. things were not well. he went on to tell me about some other girl problems in his life and the only conclusion we could make of it was that the both of us only seem to be attracted to people with problems. while that's probably true for him, i don't believe it is for me.

since i moved to toronto, i've engaged in only one form of relationship: polyamory. and i've said it before: gone are the days when one person can give me everything i need. it's not a race to see how many dudes i can fuck (contrary to the film nymphomaniac) in that my desire to be with different dudes is not always sexual. but even if you take away all of the issues i have with commitment and intimacy, i bet i still wouldn't have the girlfriend gene, or be girlfriend material.

this is just the way it has always been. despite multiple times in my life where i know i've only wanted to be with one dude, that's not how it works. i can never express how i want things to be because it scares me too much. but, let's face it, the few times when i was forced into girlfriendism, or girlfrienditis, if you will, i was not in favour of either. in these situations, i didn't have a choice. and the right choice was to not go that route. however, with forced girlfriendism, it's always the wrong choice and part of the reason why i continue to engage in polyamory.

i've discussed this issue in great detail with several friends over the past couple weeks. one of who told me that the girl he's been dating for awhile now seems like total girlfriend material, but his words to me were that he's "just not feeling it." another, who continues to keep in contact with an ex and occasionally fuck, even though the two of them (and the entire world) knows that they shouldn't. and yet another, who has switched gears entirely and no longer wants to just fuck around with anyone, but rather, date. and i mean, maybe we're just getting to that age when relationships change to, what i can only hope, is for the better.

but when you lack a girlfriend gene, it's difficult to know when something will come along. as things started off quite slow with a dude i was starting to really enjoy spending time with, eventually, he told me he wasn't having any of it. this can also be said for a dude i had hung out with a couple of times who, upon the next time, decided to tell me he wasn't looking for a relationship. that's all well and good, but when did i ever express an interest in starting a relationship with you? it's almost like a slap in the face. "hey, i know we're hanging out and having a good time but i'm not interested in doing stuff... even though i'm not sure if that's what you want to do or not yet"  yeah? well, that's nice.

what i don't think i'll ever know is what about me screams these things to dudes. when did i ever send you a vibe that i wanted to date you? that time i said  you were attractive? that time i flirted with you? don't flatter yourself. not to ruin nymphomaniac for anyone, but there's a scene i definitely identified with that needs to be talked about here.

in the scene, it shows the leading lady in various cut scenes having sex, 1 on 1, with a dude, and achieving an orgasm. in the cut scenes that follow the sex, she pillow talks and gives the exact same line to every dude she just had an orgasm with: "i don't know if it means anything, but i've never had an orgasm before; you're my first."

no, i haven't said anything quite like this before, but the fact that she says it to every dude is something i know i've done before. not about achieving an orgasm (because yes, i've had more than one) but just in general, my damn flirty nature. i don't use the same lines but i feel as though it can confuse the dudes i'm with, especially if i'm flirty and don't want anything sexual.

maybe as i continue to grow up, i'll somehow fall into this girlfriend gene. if not for me, but for at least my parents' sake of seeing their daughter settle down with the right dude someday.

an open letter to my loud neighbours

dear apartment 304,

i'd like to start by telling you how we've been neighbours for almost three years now. do you know what that means? it means i've been putting up with your noise for almost three years. in my first year living here, i didn't really know how to react. this was my first apartment. this was my first year in toronto. when i lived in a residence, it was easy for me to yell at my neighbours to shut the fuck up and they would hear me, despite the concrete walls separating rooms. unfortunately, no matter how much i yell through my wall at you to shut the fuck up, you never do.

see, here's the thing: you're louder than i am. i'm not loud. i'm pretty quiet. sure, i can have fun and be social. when i have conversations with friends in my apartment, i'm having a conversation, not a yelling match while we sit next to each other. and these walls? how do you not realize they are paper thin? you know all the construction they do in this building and all the noise? you have to hear it too all the time. it can't just be us.

the first year we were neighbours came and went. i put up with your shit. by the time the second year rolled around, i realized i couldn't function unless i had actually slept. i had early class. i had early work. i had a real job. i slept very lightly. between you, my roommate, and general toronto city noise, i was constantly woken up. do you remember that time you had people over at 4am on a weekday? do you remember how fucking loud you were? i bet you don't. but i sure do. you were so loud that i took a shoe and just banged the wall as loud as i could until you got the fucking memo to shut the fuck up. eventually, you did. it was at this point where i was ready to write you an extremely passive-aggressive note to shut the fuck up during weekdays. but, i held off.

i started using this "bang on the wall until you shut up" technique any time you woke me up and it was an unreasonable hour. for the most part, it worked. the only times when i didn't do this was when you were having loud sex.

remember those paper thin walls? remember how you're loud? remember how your sex is not a porno? yes, it got to a point where i could tell you were faking it. listen, lady. your boyfriend doesn't need the encouragement every single time you have sex. and also, no one has that much great sex all the time. it just doesn't happen. and yes, i know those moans and groans quite well. that's how i know you're faking it. but if i can hear you fake it, it means you're being too fucking loud. there's this thing.. i don't know if you know it, but it's called quiet sex. it's called intimate sex. i can never hear your boyfriend, so for him, it must never be that good. that's why you should definitely stop what you're doing.

this week alone, you've woken me up four different times at unreasonable hours. maybe you're yelling at someone on the phone. maybe you're having loud sex. maybe you're just yelling at each other because you can. maybe you're doing whatever it is the fuck you're doing, but still yelling at each other. that's REAL fucking annoying. even when my roommate and i have people over, you don't hear us. when my roommate and i are in my room talking, you don't hear us. when i'm having sex with a dude, you don't hear us. and i've had some great sex in this apartment. you've still never heard it.

you see, back in kindergarten, we were taught to use our indoor voices and that voices carry. were you not brought up this way? do you not understand that you are the reason why people move in on this floor and move out within the year? it's because i'm not the only neighbour you have. you also share a wall with the apartment directly across the hall from me. i can count at least five people who have moved in and moved out of that apartment over the past three years. we've run into other neighbours on this floor who complain about how loud you are. my roommate and i have come home nights only to hear you "having a party" with what is probably just the two of you and you're so loud that it just sounds like you're actually in the hallway and not in your apartment.

so, last night, when you woke me up at 2am with your loud sex, i was pissed off. i took a shoe and banged on the wall. what did you do? you didn't shut up. you actually banged on the wall back. no, i don't want to join in on your loud sex. i want you to shut the fuck up. i want to sleep without hearing it. after that, i never heard you again. and that's how it should be. i shouldn't hear you in your apartment ever.

seriously, don't make me actually print this blog post and put it in your mailbox. one more incident like this and i'm going to do it.

sincerely,
apartment 303.

fear of intimacy

i'm watching season 2 of the simpsons and in one fish, two fish, blowfish, blue fish, homer eats a poisonous part of a fish and is given 24 (no.. 22) hours to live. on his list of things to do, he makes one of the top (but very end of his list) items to "be intamit with marge"...

and the more that i think about it, the more i'm developing anxiety over intimacy and sex. not at all related to my commitment phobia, but rather, the belief that consenting to any dude touching me is just going to make me sick.

i'm afraid that every doctor i've seen in nearly six months is overlooking something huge. the symptoms i began to experience in may seemed to be directly correlated to someone i was seeing at the time. although this dude did not last very long in my life (for good reason), i also knew next to nothing about him, as things like that were never discussed. his previous partners, his previous sexual experiences and encounters, as well as the last time he was tested, were never something we talked about.

but this was not the first time i had gotten myself into this kind of situation and foolishly expected nothing to come from it. i hadn't been this careless in a long time but since i knew it wasn't going to last, i tried to enjoy it while it did. in fact, i hardly ever have this conversation with any of the dudes i'm seeing unless things get lengthy or we've acknowledged that this is not a monogamous relationship. and now that i'm getting older, i suppose it's getting to a time where this should be one of the main things discussed before becoming intimate.

the main problem i face while going through this illness is that my commitment issues are running wild in more than just my love life. i'm having trouble committing to hanging out with friends or going out and doing things on my own for the fear of never knowing what kind of shape i'll be in at any hour of the day. this becomes even more difficult when prospective dudes and new friends want to hang out. this is even worse should i be required to meet a potential employer for a face-to-face interview.

there's only so many times where i can bail on friends before i turn into that flaky friend which i have never wanted to be. think about how hard it is from my point of view - from someone who thrives on social interaction - and due to my health, cannot be bothered to leave my apartment because i feel like absolute shit. what i don't want at this point is to start a new relationship with a dude and have to bring him into all of my health problems. i don't want anyone to have to deal with this that isn't me.

i just want to be cured and i don't want the cure to be me on antibiotics every month for the rest of my life.