she makes her way and never looks back

each year that passes seems to have a main theme. for 2017, the theme was year of the ex. and not just one of them.

there's a reason these dudes are not in my life. in order to truly move on from any feelings i once had, it's important that these dudes no longer play a role. they have served their purpose. and i have no desire to see them again.

unfortunately, i make the mistake of not changing my old habits or watering holes because, well, why should i? these habits and places were mine first. so occasionally, we might run into each other.

it started off innocently enough. we showed up to the same event. you clearly saw me and ran away. cool, looks like i won this round. the next time, i went to a store i enjoy and saw you down an aisle. this time, i made sure to run away. i was having a bad day which got worse when i saw you and i was not interested in dealing with anything. and that was it for you. one ex - a couple of encounters - okay, no big deal.

wrong.

at a bar and things seem oddly familiar. i recognize that guy up front. next to him is the second ex. panic. well, maybe it won't be that bad. oh, wait, it's worse than i thought. not again. i can't possibly have more bad luck. wait - what's that? - you work here? oh. guess i'll be leaving then.

year of the ex continues on the very last day of the year. the third and final ex.

this time, i'm less ready for it because you were so far from my radar. you caught me by surprise in that place i took you once. and then it all came back to me. one of the last times i saw you, we were seeing that band, at that venue. you liked music. we may as well have traveled back in time 4 years and had that night all over again. but this was different. things didn't end in a bad place. they ended because timing is a bitch. and you were probably what i should have been chasing all along. but young me thought you were too good for me until it was too late. and sitting across from you on new year's eve was the reason we ended.

all of these dudes shaped who i am today and i do hope they are happy with whatever it is that they're doing currently. but please, all of you, go back into hiding for another 4 years. i have reached my maximum quota of feelings for a long time.

some search for things to burn

"until we all feel, we have enough things, to burn"

i've always had a difficult time saying no. saying no to people. saying no to things. saying no to work. saying no to anything. i'm a person who tries to give other people and other things the benefit of the doubt. and more often than not, it tends to screw me over.

as i'm getting older, i'm learning to say no as much as i can without it maybe screwing me over. although, at times, it will continue to fuck up my life. like that one time i said no at my last job and it played into my eventual demise with the company. that place was fucked with or without me and i saw it as a good thing.

i never said no when i was younger. i had a bad habit of treating friends who weren't very good to me better than how i treated myself. these friends would end friendships out of the blue for no reason (or a variety of reasons to be discussed at a later date) and come crawling back months or years later. and sometimes, i took them back. only to have the same thing happen again, and again, and again. i never fucking learned. i never understood how someone i thought was a friend could hurt me as much as they did.

i grew up and kept making the same mistakes with new friends, with old friends, and with dudes. until one day when it was about to happen, i said no.

there are 4 examples that stick out in my mind.

an acquaintance in high school had a thing for one of my friends. she would fuck around with every dude, including his friends, and not him. we kept in touch briefly after high school and then that ended for whatever reason. he goes through stages of adding/removing me as a friend on facebook for years. one day, he adds me back and confesses he's living in toronto with the girl. we hang out without the girl (because she already hates me) and things are fine. weeks later, i found out he (probably) stole some of my shit and had removed me from facebook. did i learn my lesson? nope, not yet. a little while later, he adds me back and tells me they broke up. i don't care. i don't even want my shit back. he goes back and forth deleting and trying to add me again until i finally said no and blocked him. i'm not sure what he wanted me to do for him, but i wasn't interested to have that kind of negativity in my life.

one of my better friends in high school did a similar thing, where she got really upset with me for saying something about a dude she was dating at the time. i have no idea what i said but apparently it was grounds for removing me from facebook without cause. when i finally noticed, i probably sent a message asking what the hell. she told me, i told her i didn't remember, and that was apparently it. by this time, she was already engaged to somebody else. i didn't care. i already knew this was the end of friendship and i'm pretty thankful for that.

i got pretty close to a friend after a year in university. the next year, we're hanging out and as far as i'm aware, things are just fine. i go home and don't hear from him for what seemed like a really long time. it's unusual, but maybe he's busy. he tells me he was mad at the way i left him the last time we hung out. he was mad because i didn't look at him when i was leaving. i don't even know what that means. he then goes on to tell me we were never friends. alright - we hung out every day for an entire year, but nope, we're not friends.

the last one is probably the worst one, because it's the broest bro doing bro things while not even being a bro. this dude i met through a friend and he became obsessed with me to the extent where he would make up fake profiles and send me horrible things. he didn't like me not being interested in him. little did i know at the time, he was one of the first of many dudes i would encounter who were exactly the same.

and maybe these people don't really have a purpose in my life. and whether i like it or not, they'll always try to come back to me. the trick is remembering i can say no at any time. and i don't owe shit to anyone who has hurt me before.

where have you been?

sometimes, your whole life can change in a mere matter of months.

i never doubted for one second that my job search would last more than a couple of months. with the way i was getting interviews and the ability to carry myself within those interviews, as well as getting interviews for both jobs and companies i wanted to work for, i knew i was doing something right. i had a number of good references by my side and, as i've always known, eventually, things do fall into place.

in early november, i was hired on into the reinsurance industry as a claims administrator for a maternity leave coverage for a year. within a week, i knew this is where i was meant to be for now. i've just completed a month and a half worth of training and begin on my own this week. at the christmas party this past weekend, my boss made it clear to me that he wasn't worried at all and believed in my ability to do a good job. i can't tell you how nice it is to work at a place that actually respects you as a human being. sometimes, you get so used to being treated like shit in all other aspects of your life that you go on to take it is a normal standard of living. let me tell you, that's definitely not the case.

in late july, i met a new dude from my adventures in tinder that, surprisingly, was after sort of the same thing as me. it's been a very good few months and i enjoy his company a bit more each time we hang out.

i had one last tinder adventure before my current dude which nearly had me deleting tinder forever and never looking back. let me explain a bit.

this dude and i had barely a conversation before he decided we should hang out. when i told him i wasn't sure if i was comfortable with me not being able to figure out if he was a serial killer as he was hesitant to give me his facebook, i should've known the red flags right away. but, i let it slide. a few days later, we met up for drinks after work. he seemed... alright. alright in the way that i knew i wasn't ready at all to jump into anything. but i had a feeling that was never his intention. we went on a second date to see jurassic world and ending with him leaving in the early hours of the morning. i wasn't happy. it didn't feel right and i was hesitant. he wasn't happy with that. i was reluctant for the next couple times we went out and made sure to end the dates early. by the last time i saw him, he had invited me over to his place to make me dinner and i knew this would be the last time i would see him, even before what happened actually happened.

i've talked about adventures in dating in the past, but this threw me for a loop. as i was trying to leave, he forced me to stay in order to do things, while doing some things i was definitely not okay with and made that clear to him. he eventually stopped pressuring me and word for word, said "but i made you dinner"

WHAT.

NO.

i ran away as fast as i could.

in the early part of 2015, i hated my job, could feel my relationship slipping away, was not in a good place, and knew the end was coming for a lot of things in my life. i just never imagined that any of it would happen the way it did.

i really appreciate the turn around for the latter part of 2015, if only for my sanity.

2016, you have some big shoes to fill.

adventures in tinder

the biggest change that has happened since my last update is that i'm currently single.

i use the term "biggest change" very loosely because not much has actually changed. i could sit here and write out everything i'm feeling and thinking and believe me, i have tried to do this. for once in my life, i had no words to express my frustration, so i didn't. i kept to myself and have every intention of keeping it that way.

in order to get out of my head, i needed a distraction. seeing as how i had extreme curiosity with tinder, i joined. here are my adventures in tinder in somewhat chronological order.

that cute simpsons dude 
not thinking much about it, i instantly matched with a very cute blonde dude in town to film some movie who asked me just the right amount of trivia questions before falling in love with me. it went on like this for a few days and that was the end of that. it was a good start that i knew was going to end up totally misleading during my adventure.


that dude who had no idea how to converse (dick pic #1)
i matched with some dude with a limited profile and now i understand why his profile was so limited. this dude was cute but had no idea how to talk to me. eventually, this ended with him sending me a dick pic. i couldn't have ran away fast enough. thanks for not letting me waste my time on you. here's the things, dudes: familiarize yourself with that of what a girl wants in a dick and decide whether or not yours is it. you know that porn you watch? pay attention to the dude next time. does yours look similar? then maybe send that dick pic. if it doesn't, i'd suggest not sending one.

some cool dudes 
they're cool. maybe we'll meet someday. maybe we won't. whatever.

all the dudes i matched with, initiated conversation, then was frustrated with the lack of everything
this is kind of self-explanatory. isn't this not what tinder is about? matching based on physical appearance and then hooking up/hanging out/whatever? if you don't respond, what's the point? i even played on the offensive side and initiated a conversation with every dude i matched with within a period of time. this is frustrating in itself and makes me hate online dating even more.

all of those aggressive types 
take a step back, please. i'm not a piece of meat. no, i don't want to come over. no, i don't want to be your fantasy. no, i don't want you to tell me what you want to do to me. no, i don't care of this "won't be a one time thing". what if i want it to be a one time thing? come on. there are 2 people in this. i don't really give a fuck what you think. buddy, you know nothing of the online dating world. i understand why you're here.

intentional matching of dude friends 
only to see how long it takes to match with each other while we're standing next to each other. pro tip: it took them longer to find me than it did for me to find them.

unintentional matching of dude friends 
absolutely hilarious. still laughing about it. swipe right.

unintentional matching of exes 
not hilarious, whether they are quite recent or very old. not cool, tinder. let those wounds heal. problem is, they likely were the ones to swipe right.

i gave myself 2 weeks and expected to quit. after 2 weeks, i realized that this was now a fairly decent tool to use to add to my ridiculous life stories. i began to play more and more with various techniques. i spent one day swiping right on every dude. that was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. unlike my veteran online dating life of plenty of fish with me in a bikini picture which i used to troll dudes, my tinder profile was about as real as it gets. if dudes asked me what i was doing on tinder, i told them the truth: research - and to talk to some cool dudes. if things got a bit more serious in conversation, i'd explain how i'm recently out of a relationship.

some dudes were quite turned off by me being newly single. i don't quite understand why as it had nothing to do with them. except that maybe the odds of me sleeping with them were down about 900%. some dudes were pissed off that i was only looking to talk. one dude even had the audacity to tell me to try okcupid. yeah, fuck you. what a dumb dude.

similar to what happened before, the minute i leave the online dating world is when i'm going to find my next dude.

just give me some time.

the other woman

when i saw you the other night, i wasn't sure how to react.

the days when we used to talk were the highlights of my life in a rough time. and you were there to make it better without ever actually being around. and i guess i was the same for you. there was always talk of moving forward, of taking things in a different direction, to a place where i wouldn't have to see you from across the room. i'd always be staring at half of your face, the back of your head, or if i was lucky, your ass. apparently, it was the same for you.

it was difficult for me to understand how we got along as well as we did without ever interacting face to face. it was difficult for me to understand why someone like you would want anything to do with me. it was difficult for me to understand why you said some of the things you said. and it was even more difficult for me to come to terms that, whatever it was we were doing, was only going to be that. those things you had talked about before and promised me were just a lie to get you off. and while i did come to terms with that earlier than you probably expected me to, part of me continued to hope that someday, we would. i wouldn't have agreed to be anyone else's other woman except for yours, and i meant that.

so, when i saw you the other night with some other girl hanging off your arm, i didn't know how to react. in fact, it's a fluke i even saw you. for some reason or another, i had an ache to look back. it's like i knew you were there, following me out of the bar. i know you saw me. you looked awkward for seeing me with another girl hanging off you, which i knew wasn't your girlfriend. was she the other, other woman? probably not. you had told me once that she gets drunk and hits on you. and for some reason, you just take it. you take it because it's available to you and familiar. you take it because it's nothing. you take it because you're unhappy with everything you do and everyone you're ever involved with. and i hate myself for knowing that i liked you because of those reasons.

but i didn't know what to do. there you were, with her, following me down the street, while i walked with one of the only dudes left in my life who is leaving me for the summer. part of me wanted to yell at you. part of me wanted to talk to you. part of me wanted to punch you. and part of me wanted to cry, just because that should have been me and never was. though you had this hold over me, you weren't worth any tears. at least i had that going for me.

i could've turned to my weekend boyfriend and grabbed his hand. i could've grabbed his face and madeout passionately in front of you. i could've done a lot of things, but instead, i did nothing. i continued to walk with my dude away from you and that's how it was always meant to be; me with someone who keeps things easy, and you, with someone you've been unhappy with for over a year but not willing to do anything about it.

and i could go on to blame this hold you had on me as to the reasons why building relationships with anyone over the past year had been so difficult for me. that measly shred of hope thinking that you'd come around someday made me miss out on several opportunities with dudes showing an interest in me. it's the reason why some things didn't evolve. it's the reason i declined others. it's the reason why so many of my romantic endeavors over the past year have been so fucked up.

i realized this long ago and had no idea how to get out of it until you presented an opportunity. there it was: something you did which warranted me to get really upset with you for the last time. no longer was i going to put up with your shit. and it was easy, like pulling off a band-aid. with just a few words, you were out of my life. and i was ready to focus on dudes that were real, rather than someone i'd see across a room and share awkward glances with.

when i turned around again, you were gone.

maybe i had imagined the entire thing. we'll never know for sure.

it's not me, it's them

i came across this article today, in light of all the elliot rodger stuff, and it made me feel like i should probably share my worst moments with some of the dudes i've been involved with over the years.

although something happened to me yesterday that warranted a blog post just revolving around one dude in particular, i'm going to expand to include a few more to shed some light on how it sucks to be a nice girl in the dating world. hold onto your hats! (or keyboards, or phones, or whatever.. this is gonna be a wild ride.)

1) i once dated a dude for a little over a summer who thought the world was going to end in 2012, didn't believe in climate change (something that i was extremely passionate about, come on), and was convinced that his dad who passed away was a ghost in his parents' bedroom, where he would greet the ghost every time he walked by his parents' bedroom. i put up with all of these quirky characteristics because, at the time, i didn't know how to date. as time wore on, he had all of these ideas that we were going to be together forever and travel the world. he was mid to late twenties with a going nowhere job and i was early twenties just trying to get my BA. i broke up with him a few months before i left for new zealand, citing that i was leaving and wasn't sure when i would be back (an outright lie, i knew exactly when i was returning) and he didn't take it well. years later, he dates a girl who i used to work with. whenever we worked together, people mistakenly thought we were the same person.

2) i went on a date with a friend of  a friend during my first month in the city. i had met him at a party and thought he was mildly attractive, so i decided to give him my number. we went out for drinks and i'm not sure i said more than four words the entire night. this is when i realized that i can't stand dudes who over talk me or interrupt me when i'm speaking. we ended up at a friend's event near my place and go back to my place for some reason, probably to play games because he was super nerdy. but he took the "let's play games" as a "let's makeout" and after 5 minutes of super awkward making out, i said i was tired and kicked him out.

over the next few months, i'd get weekly calls and texts from him to hang out. rarely, i would respond. one day, he propositioned to take me to a show i really wanted to see but was too god damned expensive. he had tickets already and offered them up to me for free. i declined. "free" means "sex" and buddy, that wasn't going to happen. eventually, he stopped texting me but would facebook me on occasion until i removed him from facebook also. i run into him a couple times a year at mutual friends' events and he still says that he wants to hang out and catch up. take a hint.

3) i get a message on plenty of fish from a dude that looks oddly familiar. oh, it's that dude that dated one of my friends in high school for a little while. you moved up the street from me? cool. let's hang as i'm 99% sure we're just gonna hang as friends and i wouldn't have touched you even if you hadn't dated one of my friends before. the entire night feels like two long lost friends catching up. he offers to go back to his place and play games. seriously. is this where i go wrong? I JUST WANT TO PLAY GAMES. he makes a move on me and i push him away. he tells me i clearly wanted it because of what i'm wearing. i'm wearing knee-length jean shorts and a v-neck. yes. i wanted you based off what i'm wearing. i couldn't get out of there fast enough.

4) i used to frequent a radio chat at my old job. a bunch of folks known as regulars at various offices downtown toronto would talk about music, politics, food, beer, whatever, and it became my solace at my job. somehow, i get to talking to a new dude and exchange emails. the same day, i pass along my number to him. i'm still at work. within the two hours from my last hour of work until the time i got home, he had texted me over ten times. i responded a couple of times when i got home only to get more replies about things i didn't care about. not this again. i stop responding. the next day, i get about thirty text messages from him. i don't respond at all. the following day, he texts me another four times before i text back asking, "who is this?" and he responds with who he is and how we know each other. i respond back with "no, i don't know anyone named that, i just got this number" and i never hear from him again until a few days later when he emails me asking what happened to me. in true fashion, i didn't respond. this thing called silence? it means "no". 

5) a dude messages me on plenty of fish in early january and identifies himself to me as a recruiter after several messages back and forth. as i had just come back from a stint of being horribly sick, was still undergoing testing, and was still unemployed, i decided to give this dude a chance at helping me find a job and maybe a friendship. after what seemed like way too many emails and me in a constant flaking mood since i was still feeling terrible all the time, i finally gave up my number. we met once for coffee and to discuss my resume. similar to dude #2 above, i probably got in about four words the entire night. i was not attracted and didn't think i could even have a friendship with this dude. but he WAS a recruiter, so maybe he could find me a job.

every day, he would send me job postings and links to job things i should know. he fixed my resume and kept asking for feedback. every other day, he would text me and ask to hang out. slow down, dude. i'm just coming back from the brink of almost dying a few months ago - i told you this - maybe you should, i don't know, back off a little. i'd respond, about weekly, to his emails regarding my job search. i would never respond to his texts. when i received a job offer and started my job without the help of him, i told him i got a job and he offered to take me out for a beer to celebrate. ugh, okay. fine. we met up again for a beer and while he rambled on about things i didn't care about, i quickly finished my couple of beers (because he had ordered another one for me without even asking if i had wanted another one) and got out of there as fast as i could. the next day, he texts asking to go see a movie. i tell him no. a few days later, he texts again asking to get a drink. i don't respond. every week from then on, he texts me at least twice a week asking to hang out. i never respond. then, one day, he gets the nerve to call me. while i'm at work. i don't talk to people on the phone unless they're good friends or relatives. i actually feel like this when i get a phone call. when i don't answer, he sends me a text and asks if i'm getting his texts because he hasn't heard from me. this goes on for what seems like MONTHS until one day, i tell him to stop messaging me, and he FINALLY does.

earlier this week, i log into my linkedin for the first time in a long time and notice that he was one of the people who had viewed my profile. fuck. i still have him on linkedin. i remove him immediately. yesterday, i get an email from him asking if i want to get a drink. i respond that i'm not interested and for him to stop messaging me. he says that i should stop looking at his linkedin profile. i tell him i had to because that's how you remove people from your linkedin. he replies and starts an email argument with me, saying that i'm "not a nice person". uhhh. i forgot to mention that this dude is a rob ford supporter - so i probably should've stopped the conversation right then and there, but i played on.

i told him that it was cool that he thought i wasn't a nice person because i didn't want to hang out with him. he told me that i'm "weird and unkempt" - that he was "more excited about my profession than i am" and the list went on. sorry. i'm weird? let's put things into perspective here. not once did i ever request to hang out with him. not once was i ever flirty or out of line in any of the maybe six phrases i said in the times we hung out.

of course, this was the most complete bullshit defense tactic in rejection - taking stabs at the other person's appearance and demeanor, even though it was him who kept making remarks about my "hot body" and how he liked that i dressed "casual". and because i wasn't going to take this bullshit, i responded:

"Cool story bro. You think I'm weird and unkempt? You love to make no sense. You don't know how to take "no" for an answer. You don't know how to take silence as a no. You don't know anything about keeping distance or realizing that you aren't liked by someone. And THAT part makes sense, considering you're a Ford supporter. You're the one who constantly badgered me to hang out or talk when I was clearly NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT. Not of a friendship. Not of dating. Not even really of you trying to find me a job, which you failed at anyway. You're going to play the defensive card and call me out on being weird? I have news for you buddy, maybe take a step back and analyze how people perceive you and how terrible of a person you really are." 

he replied back, calling me psycho and that i should go watch some cartoons. my only response was: "you're a child. grow the fuck up." 

HE RESPONDS BACK TWICE.

i didn't respond to either of them. they weren't worth my time.

so yes, in these cases, it's totally not me; it's them.

a life together

i once dated a dude who had his life together.

at the time, my life was far from together. all i remember thinking whenever we hung out was that i couldn't be with this dude because, well, he had his life together and i didn't. he had a steady job he liked. he had an income that allowed him to have a car in the city and live in a fancy apartment without struggling to pay his bills. and me? i was trying to figure life out as a starving post-grad living in the city for the first time. the kicker was that he didn't go to school and he was my age, yet had all of this, life togetherness, the thing i've been yearning for since birth, figured out already.

in conversations with friends, i'd mention how he wasn't the only dude i was dating at the time. but i'd also mention how different each of the dudes i was dating at the time were and how they each made me feel differently. i liked hanging out with him and the sex was incredible. but as time wore on, i had every excuse waiting for the inevitable ride home and not let him spend the night. where was this future going? is that what we were even doing? past relationships and the future of us were never discussed, but with him, i wasn't sure a future would even be possible. i couldn't understand what it was that kept him coming back to me. i was always available and yet, we still didn't even manage to hang as much as one would've thought since i started to lean away from him and into another dude where a future seemed more likely.

so when that other dude didn't end up the way it was meant to be, mr. life together was still hanging out, waiting for me. and as i was still picking up the pieces of myself, he sat me down for the first time and asked me where things were going. he talked to me about settling and i stared at him, nearly dropping my beer in disbelief. why now? why me? my life, at this time, was even less together than it ever was and he was willing to see past all of that. although he was not aware of my recent fall out with the other dude, (of which the two of them managed to meet once and i was essentially scared and couldn't stop grinning the entire time) he had no idea that i was not in any shape to settle down with anyone, even someone as loving and forgiving as he had been to me over the course of our dating life. i shook my head. i wouldn't and couldn't rebound into him. that wouldn't be fair to anyone involved.

the next time we hung out, i had no excuses to not bring him home with me. unfortunately, he did. and i couldn't even fight it. he had made his choice and i had made mine. what i didn't know then, was that dudes with their life together are uhh.. elusive and don't come around very often.

the irony of this story is that back when my life was an entire fuck up of epic proportions was also the time when i was at the peak of desirability.  my life (and me) needed saving and each of the dudes i had picked for that saving either made things better or worse, depending on the timing and situation. and now that i'm mildly self sufficient and have my life together? i don't need to be saved anymore, i just need someone around to open jars and reach items on the top shelf.

last year, i ran into mr. life together on two separate occasions where he was attending with his girlfriend but she wasn't with him when we exchanged pleasantries. unfortunately, i'm not a girl who waits around for dudes.

it wasn't me back then and it's not me now; i think i've come to terms with that.

but i'd probably throw that all away in a second for one more chance to hold his hand.

time stops

i've just spent my first entire year out of school.

and in that year i:

- started something with a dude
- went to vegas
- ended something with a dude
- spent forever job hunting
- started something with a dude
- started something with a dude
- had a wonderful summer without a job
- got a real job
- got really sick
- saw my favourite band ever live for the first time 
- got fired from the real job
- almost died due to sickness 
- spent two months sober
- recovered from sickness
- got hired at a new job
- celebrated 3 months at the new job
- ended something with a dude
- pretty much ended something with a dude

for the first time in a long time, i'm not seeing anyone. this includes any physical or emotional relationships that were barely anything to begin with. i have no dudes. and it's actually one of the best feelings i've had in a long time.

a lot can change in a year because timing is everything.

i'm just happy to be alive.

baseball is back and so are baseball bros

after what felt like the longest winter ever, baseball is finally back and i'm pretty happy about that.

this year, i had the privilege of going to the first night of opening weekend at skydome for the jays vs yankees. with a sold out crowd of over 48,000 screaming fans, it was an experience, to say the least.

now, depending on how often you read my blog and how well you actually know me, let's get one things straight: i like sports, but i love baseball. i wouldn't say i hate hockey but i'll watch it and occasionally follow it if something that isn't the leafs piques my interest, especially if i land tickets for a game. i follow basketball and the raptors as much as i can and try to get to a game a season. but baseball? that's my game. i lose track of how many games i end up going to in a season and occasionally play in fantasy baseball pools. yes, i know baseball. and yes, i know that blurs the line of stereotypical gender roles, but i think i crossed that line 25 years ago.

most games, you'll see me there with my brother. we share the same passion for baseball and the same disgust for humanity when we go to games. baseball bros. baseball bros everywhere. my brother and i are two tiny people. we like quiet things and lost our rowdiness phase long ago. we talk baseball and i look around at the rest of the fans in our section who are more inclined to chirp players or talk about how hot the girls sitting in the next row are.

yes, attractive people go to games. not all of them are going to be that interested in baseball or know anything about baseball, but it's a social activity that everyone should try once. people who enjoy baseball are going to be more than willing to explain things going on to someone that doesn't understand what's happening. and most likely, we're not going to try to make a move on you while we're explaining the rules to you; unless you ask a baseball bro.

what i've noticed in the amount of games i've been to is that, if you're a baseball bro, you're one for life. you get really drunk at the game. you might actually know things about the game, but most of the time, you don't. you yell and scream when bad plays happen. you talk louder than everyone else. you white boy dance and carry on. you check out every hot girl around you. you spend more time hanging out in lines getting beer and checking out girls not in the stands rather than watching the game. you probably came to the game with like 6 other baseball bros who are all doing the same thing. you're more likely to jump on the field streaking. you're more likely to get complaints and be escorted out of the game. you're more likely to be hated by everyone around you. and you're everywhere, in every section, whether you're in the lower 100s or upper 500s.

since i've grown up in an era of mindfulness and rampant femininity/masculinity, i can safely say that i've never been attracted to a baseball bro, or wanted to be. it's toxic masculinity, and these are the kinds of people i don't need in my life. these baseball bros are typically the dudes who use terrible pick up lines to pick up girls at the game. these are the dudes that believe because girls are looking at them, that the girls are interested in them.

as i stood in one of the beer lines on friday, i looked around to realize i was the only girl standing in either of these beer lines. a tv hooked up to the wall is playing the game, so i'm turned around to watch it while i wait in line. when i look back, the older, bald man with a pot belly standing in front of me is smiling at me and attempts to talk to me. i awkwardly small talk with him and turn back to watch the game. just then, two baseball bros get in line directly behind me and talk about how they aren't going to be able to make it to the club tonight. they drunkenly discuss logistic planning of how they're getting home and the one makes a comment about how i'm glued to the screen. i simply smile and quietly reply that i like baseball. they stop talking to me and go back to checking out the girls walking by. i turn back around to see the beer line hasn't moved and security is removing a guy from the line because he's too drunk and is causing a scene. the two guys behind me panic and wonder if they are also too drunk. they decide they are and leave the line.

i get a beer and head back to my seat, passing by all kinds of baseball bros on the way who are standing around checking out girls, most of them rating the girls as they walk by. i'm sorry, when did this become okay to do? this is not a club. most of these girls aren't here to get laid. what are the chances you're actually going to pick up a girl doing this? you know that thing.. where you actually have to talk to girls to have sex with them? this is not the place where you can just grind up behind a girl and take her home with you (although i wouldn't be surprised if this started happening at jays games in the future). i'm sure i was rated a 2 because i wasn't in a jays jersey with leggings and uggs and long hair and a jays hat and wasn't drunk and wasn't checking out the dudes rating girls as they walked by. but that's totally okay, because if i was rating those dudes too, they'd also be about a 2. i go to a jays game so i can watch baseball, not try to pick up a dude. and yes, there are A LOT of attractive dudes at these games

i waited to get back to my seat and watched as 2 drunken, belligerent dudes weren't listening to the staff member at the top of the stairs who told everyone to wait until the play was over to go back to their seats. the one sneaks by the staff member while the other is stopped by the staff member. the dude who is stopped then makes an extremely rude and racist comment to the staff member and all i wanted to do was punch the bro for his remark. i was impressed by the staff member who was probably around my age, for holding his own and not becoming upset about this drunken bro's comment. i imagine this wouldn't be the only time some drunk bro would be yelling racist comments at him during the season, and i actually felt bad.

later on, i noticed two more drunken, belligerent dudes making a scene about changing seats. these guys had to be at least mid-40s and were more drunk than any of the young bros in my section. one of them nearly wipes out going up the stairs. once a bro, always a bro.

just.. pay attention to the game.. please. you have better odds that the jays will win the game than you successfully picking up a hot girl at the game.

anxiety & mental health

since i moved to toronto, i've become increasingly aware of the mental health issues everyone in my life faces. anxiety, depression, stress-related, and fear - whether they're out in the open or hidden away, everyone, including myself, has suffered through it at one time or another. for some people, it's ongoing.

there's no cure. there's no way to just "get over it." it's all different. it's irrational. it's rational. it's your brain. it's your body. it's your situation. it's your experiences. it is what it is and there isn't any way around it. i've come to expect this. i've come to expect failed plans and miserable moods between friends. and i'm okay with that, because i know what they're dealing with.

when it's hidden, however, is a whole other story. i have some pretty irrational fears that are "normal" for someone my age. there are also certain things i refuse to do because of those fears. for instance, i can't kill a bug. i just can't. i'm so scared of them that i either just leave or get someone else to deal with it. big or small, bugs are a definite nope.

that's just one fear. another problem i've had since i was young was the inability to swallow pills. as you can imagine, when i was sick at various intervals in 2013 and was on antibiotic treatment for four months you can imagine the bind i was in. i can assure you that it never went well. i suffered through mini panic attacks every time i had to take a pill. there were times when i had to literally walk away from my attempt and come back ten minutes later and try again. and usually, in this second attempt, i would choke, causing things to be even worse. that was not a fun four months of my life.

i've watched over the past couple years how people deal with themselves and their brain. if it's hidden and they haven't received help, i've watched as they try to take their own lives. this has been a serious problem for me since about 2010.

it started when the dude i was with told me that he wanted to kill himself. he told me that he was joking, except i knew that he definitely wasn't. since the day he told me, i could never feel the same way about him because i knew he needed to get help. not only was his threat real (to me, despite him not seeing it yet) - he also suffered from terrible anger issues that put a strain on our relationship. you could probably say this is why i stayed with him for as long as i did. i wanted him to get help but he never listened. when it ended the way it did, i wasn't surprised and wished whoever it was he'd be with next wouldn't have to go through the same things i did.

the years that followed would be a whirlwind of me doing my best to help friends in need. i don't know why i am, but i seem to be a safety net. and even then, a few things will always be hidden away and out of reach until it's too late. i've lost a number of people in my life to suicide and others who were lucky enough to be rescued before an attempt could be made. i say "lucky" but i mean it in the loosest of terms. i know that sometimes, if there isn't a light at the end of that tunnel, there never will be, despite any and all attempts made to take that life.

so, when it happens to a relative, like it did to me about two weeks ago, forgive me for not being myself.

her anxiety issues were hidden away, as they are. and when one situation took her over the edge, she no longer saw a light at the end of her tunnel. fortunately, for all  of us, she was found and her attempt had been unsuccessful. it was later revealed the reason why she had tried and how the other relative had known about some of her anxiety, but not all.

we're all still a bit shaken up. my parents are strong people but i have no idea how they even deal with something like this. with me being sick for the later part of 2013 and my recovery, it was bad enough they had to see me go through that and be my support system through it all. for this to happen a couple months after, i worry about their mental health more than my own.

of course, it takes a toll on me too. but i know i'm strong and stable. i know i have to be for when others fall weak. so, maybe before you get mad at me for wanting to stay home on a friday night instead of getting drunk, there's probably a solid reason for me staying in.

i'm okay. i'm just worried about my relative's future mental health and hope that this won't happen again. and i'm an optimist, so i have to believe that it won't happen again.

please don't prove me wrong.

fear of intimacy

i'm watching season 2 of the simpsons and in one fish, two fish, blowfish, blue fish, homer eats a poisonous part of a fish and is given 24 (no.. 22) hours to live. on his list of things to do, he makes one of the top (but very end of his list) items to "be intamit with marge"...

and the more that i think about it, the more i'm developing anxiety over intimacy and sex. not at all related to my commitment phobia, but rather, the belief that consenting to any dude touching me is just going to make me sick.

i'm afraid that every doctor i've seen in nearly six months is overlooking something huge. the symptoms i began to experience in may seemed to be directly correlated to someone i was seeing at the time. although this dude did not last very long in my life (for good reason), i also knew next to nothing about him, as things like that were never discussed. his previous partners, his previous sexual experiences and encounters, as well as the last time he was tested, were never something we talked about.

but this was not the first time i had gotten myself into this kind of situation and foolishly expected nothing to come from it. i hadn't been this careless in a long time but since i knew it wasn't going to last, i tried to enjoy it while it did. in fact, i hardly ever have this conversation with any of the dudes i'm seeing unless things get lengthy or we've acknowledged that this is not a monogamous relationship. and now that i'm getting older, i suppose it's getting to a time where this should be one of the main things discussed before becoming intimate.

the main problem i face while going through this illness is that my commitment issues are running wild in more than just my love life. i'm having trouble committing to hanging out with friends or going out and doing things on my own for the fear of never knowing what kind of shape i'll be in at any hour of the day. this becomes even more difficult when prospective dudes and new friends want to hang out. this is even worse should i be required to meet a potential employer for a face-to-face interview.

there's only so many times where i can bail on friends before i turn into that flaky friend which i have never wanted to be. think about how hard it is from my point of view - from someone who thrives on social interaction - and due to my health, cannot be bothered to leave my apartment because i feel like absolute shit. what i don't want at this point is to start a new relationship with a dude and have to bring him into all of my health problems. i don't want anyone to have to deal with this that isn't me.

i just want to be cured and i don't want the cure to be me on antibiotics every month for the rest of my life.

new year, old dicks

it's pretty rare for me to stay friends with an ex.. or barely an ex.

i'm always really confused when other people in my life seem to do it easily. but then again, i'm just as confused when people break up and continue to fool around with that person. i mean, because, you broke up for a reason, right? it wasn't working? then you probably shouldn't be fucking each other.

yes, there's maybe a handful of dudes i've fooled around with in the past that i'm still friends with. but that was always after a very long time of not seeing them once things ended. the longer i hold off on seeing someone, the easier it is to forget the feelings i may have once had. sometimes, it actually doesn't take very long when i realize that i didn't have any feelings at all and want to continue to be that dude's friend. but again, it's rare. i can count two in the last seven years. both of which it didn't take too long for me to know we're better off as friends than anything more. and i know they feel the same.

i suppose things get much worse when you're living with the person you broke up with. and then i wonder why people get into relationships and commitment as quick as they do before they realize the crushing disappointment that will eventually come with it, sooner or later.

that's something i could never do for him. and it's what he wanted. he wanted a live-in girlfriend. someone who would be there when he came home from work. someone who would make him dinner. someone who would always be around. but i made it clear to him in the very beginning that wasn't who i was and it would never be. i was not going to be his mother. but that's what he wanted and he found someone else willing to be his mother. willing to move in with him. willing to tell him that she loved him. willing to take countless pictures of the two of them together pretending to be happy, frame them, and put them up around the small, half-room they now shared. someone who was willing to change him into, what is supposedly, a better person. someone who would spend the money it costs to buy him a PS4, only to break up days later.

but you don't ever take an eye off of the one who kind of meant something to you once even though you weren't exactly officially dating. as much as i tried to remove him from my life entirely. and every time i saw something, it irked me just a little bit. until i finally stopped caring and knew getting out of it when i did was the best for me at the time, because he was willing to settle for less, then come crawling back days later once she rejected him the first time. and when i rejected him after listening to what he had to say to me to get me back (and me pretty much laughing at him for thinking we'd ever get back together), he went back to her and apparently she was also ready to settle.

and just over a year later, i get what seems to be the inevitable - a message from him on the same dating website where we met. where he has the nerve to ask me to get a drink. fuck that. fuck you. i remember telling him that at one point we might be able to be friends and i knew i was lying. for some reason, he thought we could someday. no. no we can't. please stay the fuck out of my life.

and days after that, i see another bizarre sighting on the same website. this time, it's the dude who picked me up from sneaky dee's that one night in october. where we lasted a few weeks and he continuously told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. and i kept telling him that wasn't what i wanted. but he seemed to know what he wanted and without warning, disappeared. legitimately.

i had almost forgotten about this one since it had just been this strange little blip in my dating history until i recently came across a blogTO article where he was featured and i recognized his name. well, at least he was having success in doing something he loved. and unfortunately, i made the mistake and made the message move. in which, i received a quick reply of him saying he wanted to message me but thought it would be weird. well, fuck. yes, it's fucking weird. then i made the even worse mistake of saying maybe to meeting up after he told me that he just ended a year long relationship.

uh, wait a minute - a year ago - uhhhhh A YEAR AGO THAT WAS US.

he disappeared on me for someone else. he then had the nerve to ask me if i was interested in hooking up. thankfully, i told him that wasn't the case and the texts have stopped. 

2014: the year i stop dating and keep the past in the past.

but then, i don't know what the fuck i'd write about.

it's natural to be afraid

i would never complain about being single.

i'm convinced people who actually complain about being single are those who find themselves to be lonely. and that is something i am not.

in the last few weeks, i've had a couple of friends comment on how i have nothing going on and that it "doesn't seem like me". what they fail to realize is that, well, this is not news. i haven't had anything going on in quite some time and i've lost the motivation to do anything about it.

but, if we're being completely honest here: it doesn't bother me.

for those of you in relationships, let me remind you how terrible it is to be a single girl in a dating world:

1) dudes are fucking creepy - both online & offline
2) dating is hard work - "put yourself out there" uhhh, no thanks
3) making time to date is difficult
4) where do you pick up dudes? the bar? the subway? the street corner? (oh.. i can't.. those are women)
5) online dating is mostly just met with creeps and dudes who are seriously fucked up (yes, i'm also creepy and fucked up - but we'll get to that)

so.. yes. it's no wonder i don't have a lot going on right now. i troll creepy dudes online. i rarely meet cute dudes that i'm attracted to who aren't fucked up or there's something about them that i don't like. i don't have the time or the energy to go out every so often and try to take somebody home with me; i'm in bed most nights by 9pm because i'm a fucking old lady.

i just feel as though i lost a significant part of me - the part that used to be amazing with flirting with dudes/taking them home/making something happen. and i don't know if that's just disappearing because i'm growing up or because i'm preoccupied with other things. i've lost the ability to multi-task with a life, friends, and dudes. and that's probably for the best.

don't get me wrong, i haven't been completely "out of it" - there are a few very, low-key, nearly exciting dudes in my life that i see occasionally. but these are hardly worth mentioning to anyone since i'm barely getting involved as it is. and some that should probably be thrown away all together.

i'm okay with the way that things are, for now. i know there are some things i need to figure out before i can get involved with anyone. i know that eventually, i'll have to let my guard down and let somebody in. i know that someday, i'll have to function in a real relationship with someone i care about and actually share the majority of myself with them, which is something i already have trouble doing. i know that i'll meet someone who my friends approve of and consider him to be the best of the best, since my friends care about me that much. i know that i'll be with someone who can respect my boundaries and life choices, as those aren't going to change, despite what people might say and think. 

but until all of the above are understood, i'm content with my dude situation. however, there's always room for improvement.

2 years of toronto livin'

today's the day that i've officially lived in toronto for 2 years. 2 years!

where did the time go?

i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.

and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.

this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.

i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!

here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!

i couldn't lie to you if i tried

i recently stopped seeing someone.

and by recently, i mean that i haven't talked to him in like a month. but i mean, "seeing" someone is kind of a two-way street, yeah? i'm only going to get fed up when i text someone and never hear back anything -- so i just stop. and last night, after coming to this realization, i did the only humane thing: delete him from life. yep, outta my phone & outta my facebook. it was quick and painless.

i guess i didn't really invest anything into what we were doing. i rarely saw him. i wasn't thinking about him all the time. actually, it was hardly ever. friends would ask me about him and  i'd shrug... "i dunno, he's probably working." and, he probably was. he worked a lot. we never had endless text message conversations, and when we did, it was very out of character for him. or he'd stop abruptly and i wouldn't hear from him again for days.

he had a habit of bailing on me for.. uhm.. "legitimate" reasons. like work. or double booking. or being tired. or uh, nope.. i guess that was basically it. but you'd think that if he was going to a friend's birthday or something and that's the reason we can't hang out because he forgot, the reasonable thing would be to invite me along. i'd probably decline, but it's the invitation i wanted. that never happened.

i understand that we never saw each other enough to really know what we were doing. and it wasn't like i was looking for him to commit to me or anything. that didn't seem like anything either of us wanted. we got along. we went out a few times on dates and they were pretty great. the rest of the times were spent in, playing video games. and i wasn't opposed to that either. he was actually a world of firsts for me. things were always comfortable, sexual or not. we went out to movies and out for dinner -- 2 things i never really do unless i've been seeing the dude for quite some time. don't ask why. i don't have a reason. it's just how my dating patterns have turned out to be.

he wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public yet, i only met one person in his life. and that was because i met him at his work as he closed and the other employee was still there. and it seemed like this other employee knew a lot about me already, so he must have been talking about me to his coworker. he met my roommate and one other friend. but, like i said, he was always busy. if he wasn't working, or doing music stuff, or hanging out with friends (usually music & friends went together), he was with me. but i was so far down on his priority list that i was lucky to see him maybe 3-4 times a month. yet, when he walked me to a show one night and saw some of the dudes hanging around the entrance checking me out, he kissed me in front of them. they immediately understood.

it's like he had all the right intentions sometimes. and other times, not so much. so, with this being one of the strangest encounters i've had in awhile, it was easy to let it go. i knew i wasn't invested in it when i deleted him from life and wasn't upset about it. i was actually more upset at the fact that i could do something so heartless and not feel anything. but whatever. maybe i'm just growing up in the dating world.

prior to this dude was in october. oh god. yeah. that october dude was totally crazy. and i almost lost a friend over it. it ended sometime in november and then i never saw anyone until march -- the dude i just stopped seeing. it was... a long winter.

i've had about a year's worth of ridiculous encounters and dudes i'll never see again. and it's for the better. i'm being optimistic in that my next dude will be something i can actually enjoy for a significant period of time. and is someone i can see more than 3-4 times a month.

i'm not holding my breath. 

remember me as a time of day

my latest interview got me thinking about how people get to where they are in a current state. for instance, this lady interviewing me was one of the few people i've met who's in a project coordination role and doesn't have her PMP (project management professional certification). if anything, it gave me hope for the future of not needing to get a PMP designation.

the interview also let me think about the question "so tell me a bit about yourself" and the next 3 minutes out of my mouth are about the last 7 years of my life that i spent in school. but, there was also a social aspect to that which i failed to mention. it's not quite meant for an answer to an interview question, but i haven't poured my little heart out in a blog post about relationships for awhile.

here's 3 sort of interesting dude stories from my teenage years that have changed me. and really haven't changed the way i think about dudes.

oh, and these are all real names. because i remember names and not faces. and hell, if any of them actually read this (but i haven't talked to them since i was a teenager), i want them to know it's me and they were.. well.. them. 

1) "andrew"

i met andrew one summer in line at warped tour. i was maybe 14 or 15. he was this tall, skinny dude from the GTA. either me or the friends i was with in line started talking to him and his friends. eventually, i ended up getting separated from my friends and ended up hanging out with andrew. he didn't say a whole lot to me in line and i'm pretty sure i spent more time talking to his friends instead. when gates opened for warped tour, i waited around for my friends but couldn't find them, so i went off with andrew and his friends.

i had a set of bands i wanted to see and told andrew. apparently, the ones he wanted to see weren't on until later, so he accompanied me to see a bunch of my bands. i remember thinking that he was kinda neat but i wasn't sure if he just wanted to hear some music. we hang out watching my bands for a few hours and then head back over to the main stages to see one of his. he says he's tired and sits down on the grass. a couple of his friends pass us by and stop to say hey. suddenly, he grabs me and makes me sit on his lap. uhm, okay. that was unexpected. his friends mention that we're missing stuff happening on stage. he says something along the lines of that he doesn't care.

cool, so this dude wants to cuddle. or something. i'm confused but just go with it anyway. his friends leave and we're just sitting on the grass, me on top of him. we don't say anything for awhile. the more i sit on him, the more i realize that this dude is way too skinny and he's super uncomfortable to sit on. so i made a break for it and stood up. a few seconds later, i see one of my friends in the crowd and she sees me. she walks over to me with this gnarly looking tattooed dude. they talk to me for a second and then start making out in front of andrew and i.

i look away and look at andrew, who's also looking away from me. he looks back at me, smirks, and pulls me closer to him. i didn't know what to do so i just kissed him. it was weird. he kept holding onto me but didn't try to kiss me again. i'm confused. i let it be. after the band ends, he says he saw one of his friends leaving in the crowd and was gonna go see them. i told him that was cool and i'd be waiting there because a band i wanted to see was the next band on stage. he says he'll come find me in a bit.

never saw him again. no idea if he was serious about coming back to find me or if he just couldn't find me. we didn't exchange numbers or emails or myspaces or anything. not even last names. it's possible that the kiss was just so bad he didn't want anything more to do with me. hell, at that age, i had barely kissed anyone. or maybe he just wanted to cuddle me and hold me. i don't know. i didn't really care. the whole ordeal left me feeling weird and it took me a long time to make a first move on a dude again after that.

2) "evan" 

evan was a friend of my brother's. when i started grade 9, he was in grade 12. he was the muscley, bro, football player and someone i wasn't sure why my brother was friends with, considering my brother was and still is this small, skinny, quiet boy. even in grade 9, the "bro" and "football player" were not my type. i'm about as surprised as you are from this story.

several of my brother's friends seemed to be obsessed with me and i don't know why. it was an ongoing occurrence and i was one of the few niners that seemed to know almost every grade 12 in high school. evan and i had our strange encounters throughout the year but nothing that interesting to mention until one day, he stopped me in the hall and asked to take me out. wait, this bro wants to go on a date? hey now, i've seen a lot of movies -- i know how this ends up. i'll be honest, i wasn't nearly as cute as i am now. but come on, i was 14. i didn't know any better. but i never took him up on his offer.

at the end of the year, we get yearbooks and i see him by himself one day in the hall. i get him to sign my yearbook, which reads something along the lines of "it was great knowing you but i only have one regret: that i never got to take you out." he may have signed his number, i can't remember. so, what the fuck?

you'd think the story ends there. but it doesn't.

that summer, a friend and i are going through yearbooks and she tells me that she knows evan's sister. the thing was, i also knew evan's sister. but the sister didn't know i was interested in her brother. my friend tells me to add his first name, last name on MSN and see what happens. so i did. low and behold, it worked. we end up talking for most of the summer and into the beginning of the next school year when he started college. i felt so young and naive now that i was crushing on a dude in college. then, in another significant turn of events, i make friends with a girl in class who says that evan is her next door neighbour.

and because i was super creepy back then (and maybe i still am, but that's up to your judgement), i kept making excuses to hang out with that girl. or be around in that general area. one night in november, i'm walking by his house with some friends and his car is in the driveway. and for some reason, we go knock on the door. he's home. this is weird. he invites us in and we sit around watching tv in his basement. evan gets me to sit on his lap. uhm, okay. we watch tv some more and then leave shortly after. i hug evan goodbye and then he kisses me out of nowhere. one kiss. i should've known better.

man, i was hooked. i never saw him again but he got me good. i tried talking to him every day. i pretty much emailed him every other day talking about stupid things in my life and occasionally he'd reply. seriously, i hate myself for being that needy and ridiculous. but i was 14. i didn't know any better. eventually, he stopped replying and i cried for days. i guess i had hoped that i'd be kissed again. i wish i could just go back in time and slap 14 year old amber in her face sometimes.

3) "stewie"/"matt"

preface: i grew up in a small, tourist town that was a booming beach in the summertime. my summer hobby was walking around to various campsites and cottages to make new friends and get given free beer to drink for something to do from these tourists. in exchange for beer, we would regale these tourists with stories about how terrible the town is and/or makeout with those dudes that gave us beer. keep this in mind as you read on. 
 
you may have noticed that this dude has 2 names. it's because i couldn't actually figure out what his name was, but he answered to both. this story is probably the best dude story i have from my teenage years and he still crosses my mind a decade later.

i met stewie one summer during wakestock. i was 15. a friend and i started talking to a group of tall, muscley, surfer-esque dudes after one of the wakestock concerts. several of them were cute looking and i took to one of them immediately. the one with some kind of a tribal tattoo and "stewie" tatooed on his arm. one of the other dudes in the group asked my friend how old she was and she told them she was 16. this kind of put off some of the dudes because they were older. now, you see, this particular summer was different. normally, if someone had asked my age, i would've told them that i was 15. but my friend and i had decided to try something new and said that if anyone asked, i was 18 years old. i know. it's cruel and i'm setting myself up for trouble. so when stewie asked how old i was and i told him i was 18, he smirked. he then told me he was 23. yes, okay, i've always had a love affair with older dudes and this was no different.

once pleasantries and ages were discussed, we moved onto plans for what to do. the group of dudes were staying at an awful campsite, so my friend invited them all back to her place. we drink heavily through drinking games and have a rad time. as night rolls around, a bunch of us travel back to the beach and shops. stewie and i walk into one of the tattoo shops. we're both drunk as fuck. he offers to buy me a tattoo. being local, i knew every tattoo artist in the shop and all of them were looking at me wondering where i had picked up this drunk dude. stewie and i stand there looking at the wall of tattoos to choose from and he's convinced we're both getting matching frog tattoos. luckily, a tattoo artist came over to us and said they don't tattoo intoxicated people, like us. thinking stewie was actually going to be super pissed, i braced myself for some kinda mouthy backlash. instead, he shrugs and says something along the lines of "yeah, this probably isn't a good idea" and walks out of the shop. cute AND chill? jackpot.

we head back to my friend's place and watch a movie where stewie and i makeout for a bit and fall asleep cuddling. at like 5am, my friend is waking us up to get the dudes out of her place before he parents come home. haha. i share a kiss with stewie and exchange numbers/emails even though i had basically assumed i would never see him again because he lived out in buttfuck nowhere and i had lied to him about my age but had yet to tell him about that.

maybe a week goes by and i don't hear from him. again, a shot in the dark, i send him an email with my number and MSN again. almost immediately, he responds and we talk on and off for the rest of the summer. he calls my house many times just to chat and tell me his crazy party stories, like how he was at some party and next to the toilet was this giant hunting gun or something. the more i talked to him, the more i felt bad about lying to him because here was this great dude who called me a few times a week and wanted to get together again even though he lived far away from me.

school starts up again in september and we're still talking on and off. i believe he had a job of some sort where he lived but he was travelling a lot for it. it had been a few months now since we had been talking and my 16th birthday was coming up. i wanted to invite him to the party i was having for it but i didn't know how. and i felt bad.

about a week before my birthday, he's chatting to me on msn. i think in my msn name it said that my birthday was soon or i had mentioned to him before that i had an october birthday. so he started talking to me about it. he asked if i was going to be 19. i told him i wasn't going to be 19. then he asked if i was going to be 18. i uh, told him no. then he asked if i was going to be 17. and i uh, once again, had to tell him no. after many minutes of silence on both our parts, i told him i was going to be 16 years old.

and that was the end of that. he went offline and i never heard from him again. believe me, i feel terrible because y'know, making out with a 15 year old when you're 23 (turning 24 a couple weeks later from the makeout day) isn't the best thing. and i'm truly sorry for lying to him and keeping it from him for so long. it just sorta sucks since we got along so well with the age difference. maybe i was just mature. who knows. but i find it hard to believe that he believed that i was 18 when i'm nearly 25 now and still get ID'ed for booze most places. and when i was 15.. i looked 15. there was no question about it.

the hilarity of my life never ceases to amaze me. and it continues to amaze me as time goes on.

the first time

in 2010, i started my first real relationship.

i define "real" as being completely legitimate. i was somebody's girlfriend and it lasted awhile. yes, before this, i had also been somebody's girlfriend on several occasions, but there was always something holding me back in those relationships. i never wanted to be with that person for a long time and that's how it went.

i've been thinking a lot about my first relationship lately and it's not because i'm lonely or not interested in anyone. it's true: i'm not interested in anyone. that's a first. for the better part of my life, i've been overrun with dude problems and always on the chase for something. it's a nice change. and no, i'm not lonely. i'm actually pretty far from it. school keeps me busy. my friends are lovely. i've taken some quality amber time and i'm about the happiest and most optimistic i've been in quite some time.

so why am i thinking about my past?

because i'm still trying to learn from my mistakes.

in a leadership course, i'm being taught how to be more self-aware and critical of my words and actions. i've always had a high sense of emotional intelligence but that has only recently stemmed from the solutions to my problems and learning from my past. i can replay almost every scenario in my head. i can count the number of times we went out as a couple on one hand; most of which were cut short as he feigned illness. i can count the number of times he hung out with my friends on one hand; where as i was always forced to hang out with his. i can remember that exact moment when i forgot to roll up the window in his parents' truck and it rained while we were inside and the look on his face when he saw the 'damage'. and i can remember thinking that he was going to hit me. but he didn't.

2010 was not the first time i had been with somebody who faced anger issues, whether they had actually informed me about it before or during the time i was with them. i never found it attractive, yet these dudes were always attracted to me. i rarely get overwhelmed by any kind of emotion unless it's positive. yes, i can be down. i can be sad and angry, and i am sometimes. i might speak negatively about a person or a situation but there's always a part of me that remains optimistic, despite how shitty things are. and i just can't deal with someone who can't deal with things when they get tough.

he never could. we faced a lot of challenges in the time we were together. but they were always alone. they were his challenges. he never let me help and eventually, i gave up ever wanting to try. he was never there when i needed him to be. when he got into a car accident with some expensive damages and nobody was hurt, he threatened to kill himself. he told me he was joking, later. but i knew he wasn't. it was at that point when i knew i had to end things. but, i didn't.

as time passed, i knew this wasn't someone i could be with. i knew from an early start when he told me that he hated toronto. if anything, that was probably my first dealbreaker. i had been domesticated and functioned as a homebody outside of school, work, and his friends that i really didn't care for much. i never spent a night at his parents' place. opposites attract but not for long.

being in a relationship overruled whatever little part of me there was left. and since then, i've approached every other possible candidate with caution. figuring out things before getting too deep into whatever it is we're doing. knowing that i have the ability to break things off as soon as i see something that doesn't fit what i want or need. and demonstrating that i can be a "we" but there's just going to have to be a lot more of "me" first.

so, not being interested in anyone has given me time to think. i've figured myself out. i know what i'm ready for, should the opportunity arise at any point. but it's going to take hell of a lot for a dude to get me interested and show me he's worth going after.

for now, i'm content.

as for him, i only wish him well in whatever the fuck he's doing with his life.

positive

one of the main things i like best about meeting new people is to experience a different outlook on life, whether it's negative or positive.

i try to do my best in surrounding myself with positive people but that doesn't always happen or necessarily work out to my advantage. most people deal with shitty things in shitty ways and i can empathize with that.

it's a pretty rare occurrence for me to meet someone who's about equal to me in positivity and optimism even if sometimes that positivity is hidden under some pretty mean sarcastic comments. and yet, i've met a couple dudes that i can compare myself to. one of these dudes in particular, i'm absolutely positive (ha!) that i've never heard him say anything remotely negative... about any fucking subject. this sort of baffles me and intrigues me at the same time. because, in a way, i used to do the same. and i kind of still do, on occasion.

not only does this dude have this shining positive brilliance, but he makes me appreciate myself and the things i've done even more (although i'm not exactly sure if it's possible). because, hell, i've done some pretty amazing things and i can do some pretty amazing things. it's almost inspiring to be reminded how awesome you are with one simple positive comment that gets you thinking about your life experiences.

it's easy to rack up a number of negative reasons for a negative event/occurrence but the positive sides of things aren't normally a long list.

i think what people fail to realize is that a positive aura is fucking sexy as hell. especially to a girl like me.
there's definitely a fine line between "positive" (that's so fucking cool) and "neutral" (i don't really care) and i would gladly take the positive over anything in the world. and besides, you'll get a cooler story out of a negative event spun into a positive meaning, even if it makes everyone around you laugh at the story. the idea is to accept bad things when they happen and find something positive about them in order to move on from it. and most people, generally speaking, lack this ability.

but hey, if i can do it, and this dude can do it, i wholeheartedly believe that anyone can under the right circumstances.

happiness is not a fleeting concept.
it's right there, waiting for you.

"the call is from heroism... will you accept the charges?"