she makes her way and never looks back

each year that passes seems to have a main theme. for 2017, the theme was year of the ex. and not just one of them.

there's a reason these dudes are not in my life. in order to truly move on from any feelings i once had, it's important that these dudes no longer play a role. they have served their purpose. and i have no desire to see them again.

unfortunately, i make the mistake of not changing my old habits or watering holes because, well, why should i? these habits and places were mine first. so occasionally, we might run into each other.

it started off innocently enough. we showed up to the same event. you clearly saw me and ran away. cool, looks like i won this round. the next time, i went to a store i enjoy and saw you down an aisle. this time, i made sure to run away. i was having a bad day which got worse when i saw you and i was not interested in dealing with anything. and that was it for you. one ex - a couple of encounters - okay, no big deal.

wrong.

at a bar and things seem oddly familiar. i recognize that guy up front. next to him is the second ex. panic. well, maybe it won't be that bad. oh, wait, it's worse than i thought. not again. i can't possibly have more bad luck. wait - what's that? - you work here? oh. guess i'll be leaving then.

year of the ex continues on the very last day of the year. the third and final ex.

this time, i'm less ready for it because you were so far from my radar. you caught me by surprise in that place i took you once. and then it all came back to me. one of the last times i saw you, we were seeing that band, at that venue. you liked music. we may as well have traveled back in time 4 years and had that night all over again. but this was different. things didn't end in a bad place. they ended because timing is a bitch. and you were probably what i should have been chasing all along. but young me thought you were too good for me until it was too late. and sitting across from you on new year's eve was the reason we ended.

all of these dudes shaped who i am today and i do hope they are happy with whatever it is that they're doing currently. but please, all of you, go back into hiding for another 4 years. i have reached my maximum quota of feelings for a long time.

auld lang syne

2017. it's been real.

you started off rocky, as you always do. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep worrying about how things were going to play out. i felt the most depressed i think i've ever been in a long time. i had a number of people keeping me grounded but there was an incredible amount of uncertainty about my future.

to fix all of this, i made a life altering decision to get my own place. i didn't care if i could hardly afford it. it was something i could change and i went for it. in april, i secured a place i could finally call home and be alone for the first time. this was one of the best decisions i made in 2017.

#views

with my own place down, i had two things left to focus on: my work and my health. these two weren't exactly up to me to conquer. these two tended to dick me around more than i'd like to admit. despite it all, my contract was finally renewed for another year and it came with a significant raise. i got extremely lucky in that i could almost afford my new apartment. 

now i had 2/3 of my biggest stressors resolved. in july, i started experimental ANF therapy for my health. i had immediate results and suddenly my knees felt like they were functioning properly in over two years. each session makes my body feel better. becoming nearly pain-free and feeling like i was back to having control over my body, i was able to continue getting stronger at the gym. my confidence in my walking/moving returned and the sadness faded.

i spent the summer focused on having as much fun as possible. in september, i took off on vacation by myself and went to ottawa for a few days. in october, i celebrated my birthday surrounded by good friends, good food, and good beer. i watched as my friends grew in their relationships and started moving onto that next step. i watched as, for some, that next step never happened.

2018 takes me out of my twenties and puts me into my thirties. i'll only believe that when i stop getting asked for ID to buy beer.