auld lang syne

2017. it's been real.

you started off rocky, as you always do. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep worrying about how things were going to play out. i felt the most depressed i think i've ever been in a long time. i had a number of people keeping me grounded but there was an incredible amount of uncertainty about my future.

to fix all of this, i made a life altering decision to get my own place. i didn't care if i could hardly afford it. it was something i could change and i went for it. in april, i secured a place i could finally call home and be alone for the first time. this was one of the best decisions i made in 2017.

#views

with my own place down, i had two things left to focus on: my work and my health. these two weren't exactly up to me to conquer. these two tended to dick me around more than i'd like to admit. despite it all, my contract was finally renewed for another year and it came with a significant raise. i got extremely lucky in that i could almost afford my new apartment. 

now i had 2/3 of my biggest stressors resolved. in july, i started experimental ANF therapy for my health. i had immediate results and suddenly my knees felt like they were functioning properly in over two years. each session makes my body feel better. becoming nearly pain-free and feeling like i was back to having control over my body, i was able to continue getting stronger at the gym. my confidence in my walking/moving returned and the sadness faded.

i spent the summer focused on having as much fun as possible. in september, i took off on vacation by myself and went to ottawa for a few days. in october, i celebrated my birthday surrounded by good friends, good food, and good beer. i watched as my friends grew in their relationships and started moving onto that next step. i watched as, for some, that next step never happened.

2018 takes me out of my twenties and puts me into my thirties. i'll only believe that when i stop getting asked for ID to buy beer.

the waiting is the hardest part

too much of my life is spent waiting.

i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.

typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.

by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).

more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.

it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.

part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills. 

i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.

the waiting will always be the hardest part.

complications of a medical nature

you might remember how i've been battling a kidney infection for about 2 weeks. it hasn't been fun, i can assure you.

after i missed 3 days of work in one week, went to work for one day, and then had my first vacation day - this week was a lot more difficult getting back into the swing of things. i took a vacation day on friday sept 13th to go home & do home things, like go to the dentist and get a haircut. i spent the entire weekend laying low and trying to get better.

i was trying to find the best way to take the pills they gave me but every time i tried to take them, i got really anxious/nervous because they were so awful. it's not like me to be this way when it comes to, well, anything. they couldn't be chewed. they couldn't be swallowed, even when cut in half. i tried to cut them into 4s but then they were jagged as fuck and not any easier. i smashed them up and put them into water/juice.. nope.. still tasted too awful. i couldn't win. at times, i was only taking half or 75% of a pill because the rest just wouldn't be allowed into my body. i figured this was better than not taking them, i suppose.

work this week was busy, as usual, and i did my best to keep up. that's when i noticed on wednesday when i got back to the office: my skin had broken out into a rash. i thought maybe it was just on my arms and hands. i thought i touched something on my way back from lunch and reacted to it. i noticed my face felt extremely hot and burnt. when i looked in the mirror, it looked like i had been on the beach for 9 hours. i was outside at lunch for maybe 10-15 minutes that day. something was up. i did what i could to hide the rash from my coworkers and finished out the day. when i got home, i noticed that the rash was all over my body but was only slightly itchy in parts. i've never had anything like this before, so i figured it would go away by the next day. looking at the side effects of the antibiotics, it said that i might experience red, blotchy patches and a sensitivity to sunlight - but to consult a doctor if it happens.

i woke up the next morning and it was still prominent. ugh. i sent an email to my boss and told him i'd be going to the walk in clinic. at 9am, i admitted myself to the walk-in clinic and waited for a doctor who told me that it's very common to have an allergic reaction to this type of antibiotics. what was uncommon was having an allergic reaction 9 days into antibiotics that last for 10 days. fuck you, body. so, she told me to take an allergy pill and it should go away. by saturday, it did.

okay, i've had enough of this "being sick" thing. can i go back to being healthy now?

i couldn't lie to you if i tried

i recently stopped seeing someone.

and by recently, i mean that i haven't talked to him in like a month. but i mean, "seeing" someone is kind of a two-way street, yeah? i'm only going to get fed up when i text someone and never hear back anything -- so i just stop. and last night, after coming to this realization, i did the only humane thing: delete him from life. yep, outta my phone & outta my facebook. it was quick and painless.

i guess i didn't really invest anything into what we were doing. i rarely saw him. i wasn't thinking about him all the time. actually, it was hardly ever. friends would ask me about him and  i'd shrug... "i dunno, he's probably working." and, he probably was. he worked a lot. we never had endless text message conversations, and when we did, it was very out of character for him. or he'd stop abruptly and i wouldn't hear from him again for days.

he had a habit of bailing on me for.. uhm.. "legitimate" reasons. like work. or double booking. or being tired. or uh, nope.. i guess that was basically it. but you'd think that if he was going to a friend's birthday or something and that's the reason we can't hang out because he forgot, the reasonable thing would be to invite me along. i'd probably decline, but it's the invitation i wanted. that never happened.

i understand that we never saw each other enough to really know what we were doing. and it wasn't like i was looking for him to commit to me or anything. that didn't seem like anything either of us wanted. we got along. we went out a few times on dates and they were pretty great. the rest of the times were spent in, playing video games. and i wasn't opposed to that either. he was actually a world of firsts for me. things were always comfortable, sexual or not. we went out to movies and out for dinner -- 2 things i never really do unless i've been seeing the dude for quite some time. don't ask why. i don't have a reason. it's just how my dating patterns have turned out to be.

he wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public yet, i only met one person in his life. and that was because i met him at his work as he closed and the other employee was still there. and it seemed like this other employee knew a lot about me already, so he must have been talking about me to his coworker. he met my roommate and one other friend. but, like i said, he was always busy. if he wasn't working, or doing music stuff, or hanging out with friends (usually music & friends went together), he was with me. but i was so far down on his priority list that i was lucky to see him maybe 3-4 times a month. yet, when he walked me to a show one night and saw some of the dudes hanging around the entrance checking me out, he kissed me in front of them. they immediately understood.

it's like he had all the right intentions sometimes. and other times, not so much. so, with this being one of the strangest encounters i've had in awhile, it was easy to let it go. i knew i wasn't invested in it when i deleted him from life and wasn't upset about it. i was actually more upset at the fact that i could do something so heartless and not feel anything. but whatever. maybe i'm just growing up in the dating world.

prior to this dude was in october. oh god. yeah. that october dude was totally crazy. and i almost lost a friend over it. it ended sometime in november and then i never saw anyone until march -- the dude i just stopped seeing. it was... a long winter.

i've had about a year's worth of ridiculous encounters and dudes i'll never see again. and it's for the better. i'm being optimistic in that my next dude will be something i can actually enjoy for a significant period of time. and is someone i can see more than 3-4 times a month.

i'm not holding my breath. 

between the click of the light

it's reading week!

already?

yeah, i definitely needed a break. i've been swamped for too long.

i meet my internship placement tomorrow at metrolinx. y'know, just presenting myself and what i'm going to do for them over the next 6 months in front of all of the executives and department leaders. not a big deal or anything! to be clear: i'm not nervous about failing at this, i know i'm going to be fine. i'm in an excited state of nervousness.

more good news! 

i failed to mention this in my last blog post, but sometime at the end of september or early october, i received an email from my undergrad thesis advisor. she told me that my thesis was accepted to be presented at a conference in may at ryerson, the international journal of arts & sciences’ (IJAS) international conference for academic disciplines! this was super exciting! i worked so hard on my thesis at brock that i'm pretty sure it's the greatest thing i've ever done with my life.

also, i was selected as a candidate for an upcoming huffington post canada article on commitment issues, not settling down, and not wanting to buy a home in the next few years. they're doing a spotlight on generation y kids versus generation x -- and i was selected from my comments on previous huffpost articles, twitter, and my blog. i guess people are starting to notice me via social media these days and it's paying off.

more sort of.. neutral news.

i haven't started at home depot for reasons that i can't understand. i've spent a couple days commuting to them to drop off information and fill in forms. last week when i dropped in to see them, they had invited me to an orientation session the next day but failed to inform me of this until as i was leaving. well, they can't expect me to just stop everything i'm doing and come in for them. i was scheduled to go to a conference that weekend (which, i didn't end up going to) but it was also my birthday party i had been planning for a month. i mean, i was mostly concerned with the conference happenings, but still.

so after the weekend, they call me back and ask me to come in on wednesday to fill in and sign more paperwork. i say yes and wednesday morning, they call me and tell me not to come in because the manager's unavailable or something. then, i think the next day or something i call them back to set up a new time and she says that she'll have to look into my availability and see if it still fits in with what's needed. uhh, what? i'm confused. so she said i would hear from them again on friday or monday. i guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

after all this running around and making it difficult for me with home depot being in the middle of nowhere from both school AND home, i'm leaning toward being okay if they tell me they aren't going to use me anymore. because i'm so swamped with school and now have a general idea what my internship is going to be like (time-consuming and a lot of work); i almost feel like not working is a viable option unless it's within a closer distance to me and significantly less hours than what home depot wanted. also, reading reviews of home depots everywhere just made me not want to work for them even more. i didn't read a single positive review of former employees working for any of the stores.

this reading week won't feel like a reading week because of all the work i have to do. but i'll be making time for friends and also volunteering at a seneca green conference. the week will fly by and soon i'll be back to the grind. i may also have the ability to be exempt from a course for next semester as i've already taken a very similar course in project management - environmental last year. let's hope that i can get out of it and then maybe i can put in some extra time working and not feel constantly overwhelmed or stressed out with all the things i have on my plate.

go go gadget reading week!

injured on the job

i had an accident at work today, but the good news is that i'm still alive.

i finished the majority of stuff i was supposed to do for my cleanup after service today when i went to go grab a drink. i left my mug in the bar lounge where i normally leave it. not thinking much of it, i walked normally over to grab my mug when my feet slipped from underneath me and i came crashing down on the tile floor. in the process, my left knee dislocated outward and i screamed in pain. there were at least ten people standing around me when it happened, mostly servers and bussers. they called for a manager and within seconds two managers had surrounded me asking me if i needed an ambulance.

i kept telling them no in between my screaming ('cause fuck, dislocating your knee really fucking hurts) and then i felt my knee pop back into place and the pain started to recede. they asked me not to move; i tried to move anyway. now, i guess from all my years of running/soccer/track/etc i've known that i have some pretty awful knees and had several dislocations in both during the times i played sports a lot and even when i didn't throughout high school. it had been at least five to six years since i last had a super horrible major dislocation like that. i knew i was fine as i've had it happen before, but they didn't seem to understand that.

eventually, a server helped me up and i hobbled over to write up the accident report. they complained that it was because my shoes were not non-slip... but they actually are. when i got up, the side of me that was on the ground was soaking wet. what happened? well, somebody didn't mop the floor properly, there's a foot of water on the ground, and no wet floor sign. i've fallen similar to this on black ice before back at brock one morning; feet just flying from under me. luckily, my knees didn't dislocate that time.

i didn't go to the doctor but i will if it's still acting up in a few days, though it will probably be fine. i do intend to go back to work tomorrow morning, as they said i could if i was feeling better. i might just have a bit of restricted movement. last summer, i had a similar incident with my knee (a smaller, minor dislocation) when i tripped down a few stairs tour guiding (ironically, trying to help someone not fall down the stairs) and had restricted movement the next day. no report was filed last summer though, as the pain didn't start to kill me until the day after.

we'll see how i feel tomorrow. i'm scheduled to work in the morning at embassy and the evening at sport chek, though i assume sport chek will still be sitting at the computer doing training. but yes, i'm fine. i have been icing my knee since i got home this afternoon and will hopefully be alright.

clearly, this injury is just one more reason for me to not be working in a kitchen.