as much as i ever could

my earliest memory is a recurring nightmare so vivid that i'm not even sure sometimes if it was just a dream.

in the nightmare, i'm unsafe. my health is in jeopardy. i'm powerless to stop the person doing these things to me. they're after something of mine and i can't let them have it. they're after me in a way i can't understand. i'm just a child. it's 30 years later and that's the only part of my childhood i can remember fully. i can put myself there in a second. i can still remember the sounds of buzzsaw. the sounds of my screaming to no avail. i can still remember his face.

it's 30 years later and suddenly i'm presented with answers. answers that explain some things but not others. answers that change everything but also nothing. the world has been taken from me and i didn't even get to experience it. i'll never get better. this is the way things are now and there's nothing i can do to stop it. it's my nightmare in real life.

go back to sleep.

auld lang syne

2017. it's been real.

you started off rocky, as you always do. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep worrying about how things were going to play out. i felt the most depressed i think i've ever been in a long time. i had a number of people keeping me grounded but there was an incredible amount of uncertainty about my future.

to fix all of this, i made a life altering decision to get my own place. i didn't care if i could hardly afford it. it was something i could change and i went for it. in april, i secured a place i could finally call home and be alone for the first time. this was one of the best decisions i made in 2017.

#views

with my own place down, i had two things left to focus on: my work and my health. these two weren't exactly up to me to conquer. these two tended to dick me around more than i'd like to admit. despite it all, my contract was finally renewed for another year and it came with a significant raise. i got extremely lucky in that i could almost afford my new apartment. 

now i had 2/3 of my biggest stressors resolved. in july, i started experimental ANF therapy for my health. i had immediate results and suddenly my knees felt like they were functioning properly in over two years. each session makes my body feel better. becoming nearly pain-free and feeling like i was back to having control over my body, i was able to continue getting stronger at the gym. my confidence in my walking/moving returned and the sadness faded.

i spent the summer focused on having as much fun as possible. in september, i took off on vacation by myself and went to ottawa for a few days. in october, i celebrated my birthday surrounded by good friends, good food, and good beer. i watched as my friends grew in their relationships and started moving onto that next step. i watched as, for some, that next step never happened.

2018 takes me out of my twenties and puts me into my thirties. i'll only believe that when i stop getting asked for ID to buy beer.