my earliest memory is a recurring nightmare so vivid that i'm not even sure sometimes if it was just a dream.
in the nightmare, i'm unsafe. my health is in jeopardy. i'm powerless to stop the person doing these things to me. they're after something of mine and i can't let them have it. they're after me in a way i can't understand. i'm just a child. it's 30 years later and that's the only part of my childhood i can remember fully. i can put myself there in a second. i can still remember the sounds of buzzsaw. the sounds of my screaming to no avail. i can still remember his face.
it's 30 years later and suddenly i'm presented with answers. answers that explain some things but not others. answers that change everything but also nothing. the world has been taken from me and i didn't even get to experience it. i'll never get better. this is the way things are now and there's nothing i can do to stop it. it's my nightmare in real life.
go back to sleep.
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