8 months.
we are now 8 months into this fucking covid pandemic and i am fed up. i'm just so tired of the bullshit.
i've spent most of this year continuing to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of everything coming back normal when we all know there isn't anything normal about me. i keep holding my breath. i want to have hope but there isn't any left. i've surpassed five years of not knowing what's wrong. and let's face it - something has been wrong with me for 32 years and we still don't know.
i was supposed to have an appointment booked for the end of november which is now rescheduled to december. i have to wait over a month for possible results. i have to wait over a month for whatever the next step is going to be - more testing, probably, or they will just give up on me.
i can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was to not throw myself off my balcony back in march/april when i couldn't get any treatment. i struggle with these thoughts a lot more when my health is bad. when i have no quality of life and i imagine what the rest of my life is going to be like if i can't get better. i'm still here. but that bad place in my head just keeps growing.
my body still remains a mystery. i have no idea how the day is going to go. but i'm fine. there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. every test is normal. my doctor couldn't even decide if i should get a flu shot. i got one anyway and thought i was going to die. no matter what i do, i just feel like i'm failing. i'm doing everything i can and it just isn't enough. i'm extremely scared for what they're going to tell me in december.
how do you escape yourself when you don't know what it is you're running from?
