#internshipproblems

i never took the job from home depot.

i'm finding it difficult to have motivation to callback loblaws who have been after me for a couple of weeks now to set up an interview because i don't want a shitty, part-time job. and also, i just don't have the time for it.

since reading week ended, i've just been on the go nonstop. school is kicking my ass (but i'm still half-assing basically everything and rocking a 4.0 GPA. don't ask how; i have no idea).

i left my internship at metrolinx and realized i could never survive in an office environment with too many ridiculous, condescending people. i was overwhelmed and stressed out, which never happens. i just didn't know how to deal. i had no words. and i shouldn't have any words when i'm giving out free labour to a company that doesn't know what they want out of their free labour. asking questions got me no where and lead to aggressive responses that were completely uncalled for. not to mention, the issues with space for me being on site and the limited access to information for what i needed to do for them, eventually.

it just wasn't worth my time. and my coordinator didn't exactly make the issue any easier. i decided to use my own connections, networking, contacts, and cuteness (c'mon, you gotta give me that one) to talk to a bunch of companies and organizations that would appreciate an intern of my caliber. i got really far in a few companies who i'm still waiting to reply back (but, being around the beginning and middle of november, almost every internship placement won't start again until december or january). and i assumed that i would be without a placement until january. i was cool with that until i got a strange email.

i received an email from the globe and mail, one of our original program internship placements, saying that my coordinator had selected me as the second intern for their placement. i was thrown off by this because my coordinator hadn't said a word to me about this happening -- and then proceeded to let it slide until i approached her about it. and that pretty much settled it; i had to throw the majority of all the people i was talking to about becoming an intern at their organization under the bus. uhhh, thanks for playing, but my coordinator decided my fate without telling me and now i look like a fucking asshole and have ruined my name if i ever wanted to actually work for those companies.

god damnit.

so, now i'm an intern at the globe and mail, getting to work alongside a wonderful dude from my program. and i guess that's a plus. but there's just so much more i wanted out of this internship which is not even worth any course credit. it's just an addition to the program. i met with globe and mail this past friday and they're going to help me get set up. but, there's only 3 weeks left in the semester and i told them not to rush things. i'll just focus on my remaining schoolwork and start fresh in the new year. and then i'll be counting down the days until i'm finished and not returning to school in september.

2 terrible years of grad school are enough for me, i think.

between the click of the light

it's reading week!

already?

yeah, i definitely needed a break. i've been swamped for too long.

i meet my internship placement tomorrow at metrolinx. y'know, just presenting myself and what i'm going to do for them over the next 6 months in front of all of the executives and department leaders. not a big deal or anything! to be clear: i'm not nervous about failing at this, i know i'm going to be fine. i'm in an excited state of nervousness.

more good news! 

i failed to mention this in my last blog post, but sometime at the end of september or early october, i received an email from my undergrad thesis advisor. she told me that my thesis was accepted to be presented at a conference in may at ryerson, the international journal of arts & sciences’ (IJAS) international conference for academic disciplines! this was super exciting! i worked so hard on my thesis at brock that i'm pretty sure it's the greatest thing i've ever done with my life.

also, i was selected as a candidate for an upcoming huffington post canada article on commitment issues, not settling down, and not wanting to buy a home in the next few years. they're doing a spotlight on generation y kids versus generation x -- and i was selected from my comments on previous huffpost articles, twitter, and my blog. i guess people are starting to notice me via social media these days and it's paying off.

more sort of.. neutral news.

i haven't started at home depot for reasons that i can't understand. i've spent a couple days commuting to them to drop off information and fill in forms. last week when i dropped in to see them, they had invited me to an orientation session the next day but failed to inform me of this until as i was leaving. well, they can't expect me to just stop everything i'm doing and come in for them. i was scheduled to go to a conference that weekend (which, i didn't end up going to) but it was also my birthday party i had been planning for a month. i mean, i was mostly concerned with the conference happenings, but still.

so after the weekend, they call me back and ask me to come in on wednesday to fill in and sign more paperwork. i say yes and wednesday morning, they call me and tell me not to come in because the manager's unavailable or something. then, i think the next day or something i call them back to set up a new time and she says that she'll have to look into my availability and see if it still fits in with what's needed. uhh, what? i'm confused. so she said i would hear from them again on friday or monday. i guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

after all this running around and making it difficult for me with home depot being in the middle of nowhere from both school AND home, i'm leaning toward being okay if they tell me they aren't going to use me anymore. because i'm so swamped with school and now have a general idea what my internship is going to be like (time-consuming and a lot of work); i almost feel like not working is a viable option unless it's within a closer distance to me and significantly less hours than what home depot wanted. also, reading reviews of home depots everywhere just made me not want to work for them even more. i didn't read a single positive review of former employees working for any of the stores.

this reading week won't feel like a reading week because of all the work i have to do. but i'll be making time for friends and also volunteering at a seneca green conference. the week will fly by and soon i'll be back to the grind. i may also have the ability to be exempt from a course for next semester as i've already taken a very similar course in project management - environmental last year. let's hope that i can get out of it and then maybe i can put in some extra time working and not feel constantly overwhelmed or stressed out with all the things i have on my plate.

go go gadget reading week!

sometimes things get, complicated

where do i start?

1. the job hunt solution
it seems like i had been coordinating an interview time with the home depot for about a month. it was constant phone tag and problems with scheduling because apparently, people don't listen to me when i tell them that i'm busy. eventually, they called me with a time that worked on the thursday for the following tuesday. on the friday, i confirmed and asked for a confirmation callback just to make sure i knew what i was getting myself into. by the time tuesday rolled around, i still hadn't heard from them on a confirmation and i was worried.

with the help of some opinions from friends, i decided to show up to the supposed interview regardless of the confirmation call. it didn't help that i was feeling terrible with a cold and i didn't want to go; but i went. as i commuted to the home depot, i realized that i was in familiar territory. besides a recent encounter with a dude that set me up with a walk of shame from mid-town, there was something else about this area that seemed too ridiculously familiar. and then i walked by a place i had an interview with back in early summer: the school uniform place. it took all my might not to walk my ass in there and see if anyone in the store remembered who i was. that's just the sort of mood i was in that particular evening on the way to my interview.

i walked into the home depot and talked to somebody about how i'm there for an interview but i wasn't sure exactly who i was supposed to interview with. eventually, it gets sorted and i meet with a store manager. he asks some pretty detailed questions about projects and my experience but i was confident in my responses. i knew what i was talking about -- i guess that project management background was starting to pay off. the position was for a project coordinator that, when i was applying for the position, was part-time. this part-time idea was confirmed with the HR manager upon my successful passing of the pre-screen interview. but the store manager told me differently -- that he wanted someone flexible enough to work a 40+ hour work week if it should arise. well, fuck. i left the interview feeling useless.

by thursday afternoon, i receive a call from the HR manager again asking me to meet with her friday afternoon to discuss and consider positions. i was intrigued and she had basically refused to answer my questions over the phone. so, friday afternoon, after the longest commute ever from school, i met up with her. she verbally offered me a position at the special services desk looking after customer projects and things like that. she said she could also cross-train me on project coordination as the two departments coincide with each other and work as a cross-functional team most of the time. i was stoked on this offer and filled in the paperwork immediately. upon the completion and passing of a back check and reference check, as well as getting a go ahead from headquarters (as they're creating a new position for me to set up wages and so on), i would be hired.

so now i wait for a call on wednesday to possibly start on friday. there you have it, after being unemployed for 1 year and 2 months, i may have a job. it's about fucking time.

2. the internship promotion 
remember that longboarding internship i had been working through over the past summer? the one that i was doing a crazy amount of work for without being paid (but at least getting some recognition for it, and having fun while i was doing it... most times)?

well, i had been working on a marketing/promotions project for about 2 months since the beginning of august, monitoring the progress of online advertisements and customer inquiries/sales. the thing was, there were no inquiries or sales. so i spent the majority of the project not doing anything and awaiting a response. last week, i received a response and sent it over. it was the first time in 2 months that i had heard an update from my 'boss', who had been MIA since i met with him at the beginning of august to work on this project. apparently, he had been very ill and took some time off. but he didn't tell me any of this.

i met with him and he told me how appreciative he is with all of the effort and enthusiasm i've put into my projects. and he wanted me to move up as an intern. essentially, he now wants me to help him make projects for the other interns and he wants me to supervise and train new interns. i was pretty stoked on this because i really enjoy managing people and well, developing projects. i'm all about conflict resolution and coming up with alternatives and recommendations on how to do things in a different way, which is probably why project management was such a good fit for me. besides my excellent organizational and time management skills -- geez.

3. the birthday, the school, and the other internship 

i turned 24 years old on saturday october 6. my celebrations started on friday after my ridiculous day of class, commuting, the home depot interview, more commuting, and the longboarding internship. i met up with friends for dinner and drinks and was passed out on my couch before midnight. yes, i was drunk, but also exhausted. it was well worth it. because canadian thanksgiving fell on the same weekend as my birthday, most friends headed home or had family things to attend. i didn't want to get in the way of that. my birthday almost always falls on thanksgiving every year. leave it to my parents to have 2 kids with birthdays that fall on holidays. i'm having a part next weekend to celebrate my birthday and i can't wait for that.

i spent my actual birthday day with much needed amber time and a couple surprises from friends. i had an early night and awaited the arrival of my parents the next day. on october 7, my parents came to visit me in toronto. they brought me a bunch of shit and helped clean up the apartment. i took them out for a nice hike through riverdale farm and had dinner and drinks at house on parliament. i was happy to see them.

i'm pretty swamped with school most of the time but i'm content with what's happening. i'm waiting to start my internship with metrolinx but i don't know exactly what's going on with that or what to expect. i've finished a few papers and presentations so far that keep me busy and i also took on hip hop and zumba classes for a few weeks (although i didn't go last week since i was sick... boooo.)

starting next week, i'm managing school, 2 internships, and a part-time job. so if you need me or want to do something, make sure to book me a year in advance.

sometimes things get, whatever

i told myself that if i didn't get that marketing job, i would automatically become a pessimist in my job hunt.

i didn't get it.

i just can't seem to land a break. i've been unemployed for a year and a month now. some people have told me that you're only unemployed for the amount of time you've been searching for a job. well, fuck. i've been searching for a job since i moved to toronto last september. back then, i was looking for anything that could fit my schedule. and in january of 2012 was when i started the full-time, permanent, real, grown-up job search. and i've had nothing come from it but a string of good and bad interviews.

i felt highly overdressed for my latest interview at a retail store. many of the girls in this interview were wearing leggings. i'm sorry -- when did leggings become standard and okay for job interviews? because i'm now the proud owner of a lady suit jacket (yes, you read that right); it's become my own standard for interview attire. and with the colder weather, it's making it quite easy to be comfortable while i'm wearing it. oh -- and i failed to mention that it looks damn good. this was the first interview i've ever had where it was in my best interest to name drop in order to get the job. so, maybe it'll work out. i've had a bit of luck on my side -- sort of.

i had a pre-interview last week for an actual interview coming up on wednesday for a project coordinator position. i passed the pre-interview with human resources, so now i get to sit down with a couple of managers and tell them how awesome i am and why they should hire me. because, let's face it: i would coordinate the shit out of their projects.

in the meantime, i've secured an intern position for my internship this year in green business management at metrolinx and i'm pretty excited for that. i feel like i have a ton of things to offer them; and i've overheard that the previous year's interns were offered summer jobs with the company. i can only hope that will happen with me too.

but my motivation for school is very minimal. i have a ton of great faculty teaching me this year, which is a giant plus in going to class. however, i'm just tired. i don't want to put in the hours of doing work anymore. my ability to write never ceases to amaze me -- with a paper i started last week the day before it was due and receiving 100% on it -- it lets me know that i've still got it ("i used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. now, what i'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me). 

i'll just keep on keepin' on. maybe things will get better.

the last first week of school

that was a fast summer for not working in paid employment.

i'm back at school now. another graduate certificate. this time around: green business management. i've regaled my classmates of the horrors of last year's program and the way that only one dude was able to get a job in the field... which just so happened to be his dream company. it's difficult to remain optimistic in these troubled times.

but, fortunately this time around, the program doesn't feel like a joke. i'm already busy working away on assignments, papers, and presentations. perhaps this is where i can find whatever is left of my motivation to be in school again for the 7th year. i now have more education experience on my resume than work experience. that also means my student debt is pretty fucking outrageous. yet, my options were limited. i could have scrapped school and kept on with my unemployed job search -- to what end? i probably would have been more miserable if i didn't go to school.

i took the last couple weeks of my summer off from the job hunt. mostly, because i was tired of it and there wasn't many places that were worth my time in order to apply. i have every right to be a picky motherfucker and aim for the jobs i feel are the best fit for me -- personality wise and education wise. and to my surprise, i have an interview with seneca on thursday afternoon for a marketing and communications position. it's part-time and works around my schedule. considering the majority of my summer was spent working on market research, marketing campaigns, promotions and so on, i feel like this could be extremely beneficial to me.

in fact, during the first week of school, one of my professors called me out on potentially being a marketing student. he explained to me that when i answered his question, he immediately thought i had a marketing background based on my answer. well, fuck -- i guess the summer internship and project management program paid off somehow.

i've also been up to some pretty fun things lately. i became an orientation staff member for u of t during the parade, concert (kardinal offishall, le sera, & anjulie), and after party. last year, i was an orientation leader volunteer -- basically, i got to do whatever was needed. in that case, i did security for sam roberts. i was pretty ecstatic about doing that. this year, however, as a staff member, i was to manage and look after my volunteers. i ran the carnival area and food trucks. i back marshalled the parade and ensured the parade went smoothly. and then i went to guvernment for the after party -- the first time i've ever been there, and i monitored the lineup for too many underage drunk kids and tried to be as helpful as possible by shuttling people home on the right buses. i left at 1am for home because i could no longer take the stabbing pain in my legs and feet that proved how great of a time i had that day.

fucked up. he's the love of my life.

i won VIP tickets to riot fest in toronto too from exclaim. i was stoked on that. got to see fucked up, descendents, hot water music, nofx, and less than jake. i saw fucked up back in february at steamwhistle -- and it was amazing. the last time i saw less than jake and nofx was in grade 9 and 10, respectively. less than jake at the international centre way back and nofx at warped tour once. i was never really that into the descendents so we didn't stick around for too much of their set. and hot water music was pretty great because chuck ragan is super rad. i wish i knew more songs, though. 

VIP tickets

1 week down, 14 more to do for this semester. and i'll only have 2 or less exams for this semester. finally -- a program that doesn't require final exams testing how well i can memorize concepts and regurgitate information.

so long, sweet summer

i don't want to go back to school.

i've finished 6 years of post-secondary education. i'm tired of it. grad school the first time around was a joke. actually, it was worse than a joke. i spent a god awful amount of money on what felt like nothing -- nothing that really stuck in my head after april.

i guess i have every right to be tired of school and not have any motivation to get through another fucking year. i figured that maybe this summer -- the one where i couldn't land a job -- would be the summer that follows into september where i don't have to head back to school for something. i just want a job i can be content with and preferably isn't shitty, like working retail. 6 years of school should at least allow me to be able to function in my field of study. as long as i'm getting some moneys, i'll just get you coffee and watch your kids. whatever. i want the real world experience that i lack. i want the real world experience i was supposed to get during my internship in the second semester of grad school; except what i got was developing a 40 page research project that they threw out the moment we walked away. at least i can truly justify my anger.

i haven't had an interview since sometime in the beginning of july when i figured i had nailed that internship with the marketing place. i did nail it; it came down to me and two others. except somebody else got hired over me. still, it's nice to know that i was considered, i suppose. on friday, i had 2 interviews. one with tourism ontario and one with global village. i feel like the lady at tourism ontario was pretty impressed with me. the interview went on for quite awhile and it sounded like a lot of things i could do, given the right circumstances. the global village interview also went pretty well, i think. they didn't have anyone even remotely interested in environment-related things and figured they should probably start.

there's a recruitment/temp agency that's been calling me lately too, but every time i return the call, i never get who i'm supposed to talk to and it's a never-ending cycle of phone tag. she "just wants to talk about my resume"... whatever that means. i've applied to a couple of jobs through that agency but none of them were anything i was that crazy interested in doing. i have an interview with them on wednesday. i also sort of had an in with a retail store that i went to see today, but apparently showed up too late. they clearly saw me standing there quite confused and they didn't even bother to come over to the door and tell me what's up. whatever. i'm better off. i should have just slept through my alarm instead of getting up and trekking over there. i also wasted a bunch of my time applying for a ryerson job only to hear back instantly that applicants were preferred to be ryerson students. for the amount of things i do for both ryerson and u of t, i may as well be an enrolled student. fuck.

the good news is that i'm going to get some money this week. i signed up and was randomly selected to participate in a focus group with seneca. they give me some moneys that will cover a fair amount of food and beer for a couple of weeks. i'm stoked on that. remember that job i was hired at back in april? and then they told me may? and june? and july? and for canada day, they got in touch with me and asked if i was available to work -- but i wasn't. well, they contacted me again for this saturday. and this time, i'm free all day. so, here's hoping something happens with that.

so what am i doing with my time, then? well, applying to jobs takes up a good portion of my day. i've been doing volunteer work with u of t and i'm an official orientation leader of frosh week in september. my longboarding internship is still kicking around and i'm working on things for that. and i did go home to visit for about a week in august. i hadn't been home in a couple of months and had a  lot of stuff to do while i was home. last week, i also found out that my kitty's feline diabetes reversed and now he's back to being healthy. that was super exciting news, and i'm really happy about that.

such a baby.

yep... same old life, really. if i end up going back to school, i start on september 4. with an 8am. because seneca is terrible, amongst other things. but that won't stop me from trying to find a job.

it was the batman? no, it was actually me.

my interest in activism started when i was young. i was living a great life and i couldn't understand why everyone else was constantly complaining about things. i've always lived with a high standard of morality. and once i began intrigued with the world of social justice, equity, environmentalism, and ethics, i was hooked on all of these concepts. they fueled my desire to help others where i could and however i could -- because i always wanted what was the best choice (to each their own, of course) for everyone else.

and i guess you could say, that is what i did what i did last night.

i was on my way home from the bar and had decided to walk a fair hike for awhile to get some exercise, fresh air, clear my head, and just rock out to some tunes. a few streetcars passed me and i decided to hold off, at least for another few blocks. up ahead, i noticed what looked like a conflict going on between a dude and a girl. i was pretty far away, so i wasn't entirely sure if they were just lovingly hating each other or if something was about to go down.

when i got closer to them, i saw the dude forcefully throw the girl against a wall and really get in her face, yelling all kinds of profanity that i could hear from half a block away. i'm all for passion but this was just nonsense. i had three choices. i could have crossed the street and avoided the whole confrontation entirely. it wasn't my business to begin with. or, i could have walked past them and not said a word the entire time and continued on my way -- which seems to be a normal torontonian thing to do.

but instead, i walked up a few feet away from them and yelled. the dude reacted in the way i played it out in my head. he told me to keep on walking -- that what was going on didn't concern me. and again, i had a choice. i could keep on walking or i could do something. i told him straight up that what he was doing did concern me, as it concerned every girl on this planet. i told him she didn't look too happy with what was going on and that for the sake of his own good, he should probably stop what he's doing.

oh, this pissed him off. he walked up to me all tough and got inches away from my face, yelling and screaming at me to fuck off and so on. his breath smelled of beer. i didn't back down. i didn't flinch. i wasn't scared. i stared at him. i calmly told him that he was done here and that if he didn't leave her alone, things were not going to work out in his favour. i could see the look on his face change to a smirk. he didn't believe that i could do anything to stop him.

he went to grab my arm to push me away/down and i immediately went into self-defense mode.  this dude was much bigger than i am (but that doesn't take much). i quickly grabbed his wrist, turned it around backwards, and dug my nails into the underside of his wrist, right on the vein. it's a painful area if you do it the way i've been taught and has been a useful tactic when i've been in numerous dangerous situations. but i wouldn't have done it if he didn't try to lay a hand on me. i told him that this was enough and he was going to leave us as soon as i let go. he nodded in agreement while his face was clenched with pain. i let go and pushed him away from me in the opposite direction. he walked off holding his wrist and screaming profanities.

when it was over, the girl told me that he was a friend of a friend walking her home after the bar. they had just met. she didn't live too far away from the bar but he insisted on walking her home. she got about a block from her place when he kept asking her to come up to her place and spend the night. she wasn't interested. and then things got ugly. he told her that he had a knife and was going to hurt her. we called her friend and told her what had happened, but it turns out it wasn't actually her friend's friend, more of her friend's acquaintance. they too, had only met once or twice before. i walked the girl to her place and we notified the police to file a report.

a lot of my life has been about the "wrong place, wrong time" curse. i've been in many situations when i was younger, throughout my teens, that were seriously dangerous. but i've always handled them in a graceful matter. parties that get out of control, being chased down by a couple of dudes over a misunderstanding, being followed by strange men on numerous occasions, getting drugged and taken advantage of against my will, or even minding my own business and going shopping for an evening are just a handful of the scenarios i've encountered in my short little life. seeing the darker side of the towns and people i grew up with made me realize that as a strong woman, i was capable of doing and handling whatever situation that was thrown at me.

so, maybe batman wasn't around last night to help somebody in need. but at least i was.

what am i gonna do with all these decisions i made? i am stuck in them.

if you haven't watched this already, you probably should.

i've been making a lot of decisions lately and making an attempt to bring my life back on track. i don't have a tendency to get derailed too often -- but sometimes, it's inevitable.

i started this blog over a year ago to talk about how ridiculous it is to find a shitty summer job or a grown-up job in this economy and being a recent graduate with zero experience within my field of study. and, for the most part, that is what this blog still represents. because i had only found a few summer jobs that i was consistently in and out of for the summer of 2011, i went back to school hoping that in 8 months, the economy, the job search, a new city, and more knowledge & qualifications would help me land a real job for the first time. unfortunately, that didn't happen. and i'm still scratching my head as to why it didn't happen.

this blog evolved into different subtopics, like budgeting and a lack of funds to friends, school, and relationships. these aspects were never my intention to write about -- but they were always things that needed to be said at the time when they were written. i can make the case that all of those topics are inherently related. having a job or not having a job means i'd have to budget or not have any money. school helped me not have any money but increased my qualifications for getting a job, or so i'm being told. friends and relationships are an integral part of the job search as they keep me grounded and give me a place to share my thoughts about what's going on.

there were two conversations i had this week which have helped me progress forward with my life.

1. a conversation with my roommate

there's a reason why my roommate and i (aka, my best friend since grade 6) get along so well. he's about the only person i know who can change my emotional state of being with just one sentence. he's always there when i need him to be as he's watched me struggle with many different things over the course of the almost a year we've been living together. he has a habit of knowing what to say in order to help me move on from whatever i'm dealing with.

for instance, awhile back we were talking about dude problems. i can't remember exactly what we were saying, but eventually he told me that "i was hotter than him." before you're quick to judge on that sentence, his words actually got me thinking. so i took them to other friends -- and they all agreed. it was only after this point when i realized that i had been seeing someone who, although i found him extremely attractive, most other friends didn't -- and saw me as the hotter one. this brought me back to how i met your mother's idea of the reacher and the settler. and in this scenario, it was definitely true. he was the reacher and i was the settler.

this time, a new job opening was available at my roommate's work. we got to talking about the position requirements and my roommate told me that i shouldn't apply for it because it was a "serious" job. this sentence hit me hard. yes, i have never had a serious job -- but i have never really been looking for one until now, sort of. i've spent the majority of my life working shitty jobs and being extraordinary when i do them while rarely receiving any feedback or recognition. even through my mass amount of volunteer work while at brock (which, for one year, took up an insane amount of my time and i basically hated every minute of it); i thought i would get some sort of recognition for my hard work. but it never happened.

so much of my life has been determined by the "someone else over me" concept. in jobs, i'm given a chance to prove my worth and someone else is hired over me. in recognition for hard work, someone else is given that recognition. in relationships, there's always someone else he'd rather be with than me (with the new shocking twist that this could happen basically any fucking time in the course of a relationship) and, as depressing as that may sound, i'm used to it. which is likely the reason why it doesn't take me very long to get over things that happen to me. this takes me into the conversations of last night.

2. the conversations i had last night 

this blog and any king of writing in general (especially that of my not-so-public blog that exists out there) have always worked as a release for my anger, resentment, and occasional happy moments. i am by no means an angry girl. but there are some things out there that can get the best of me and can stay locked up in me for weeks, months or years, depending on the situation. yes, my friends are content to listen to my problems and some of them can tell when i've been having a rough time. but in all honesty, i would rather not bore my friends with what i'm dealing with and talk about more positive, happier things. because that's my personality and it's not going to change.

so, last night, my roommate and i had a few friends over for drinks. and although i didn't want to talk about what's been going on and how i'm feeling -- most of them got it out of drunk amber pretty easily. and once i started talking, i found myself not able to stop.

yes, dude problems fucking suck. but i only needed a day before i was back out there and doing what i want. i didn't have any anger or resentment about what happened. you could barely even call it a break-up since things weren't "official" or "serious". but it ended. and despite what people may think, i'm actually okay. i feel the need to mention how wonderful my friends have been when they found out about what's been going on with me -- i couldn't ask for more love and support.

reading this article on men vs women breakups got me thinking too about how i don't fit the woman "norm" for getting over things. but, i have to play it safe. i have to prolong interactions and there's a high percentage that i can never be just friends with that person. although i'm not sure if they will or ever do (because i've never tried), i worry that whatever feelings i had may return and i'll constantly want something more than just a friendship. there is one dude in my life that i had deep feelings for at one point and it was the only time it took me forever to get over our ending. but now that dude is one of my good friends -- and i'm happy for that.

so yes, it can happen. but sometimes, it's just better and easier when it doesn't.

the power of me

i've been in a bit of a vulnerable state the last few weeks.

my life has a tendency to be awesome only up until a certain point -- and then it gets a little difficult. you see, all of the bad things that seem to happen to me occur in the same span of a couple weeks. yes, these can range from bad interviews, bad dates, problems with school, to empathy with friends and family. and seriously; things haven't been this awful in quite some time.

i've never been one to sit around all day, all month, or all year. i can appreciate that i may have inherited the workaholic gene from my family. it exists. and i know it does. i don't feel right unless there's something to do. and having this first summer of real unemployment is driving me crazy. the internship is okay. i like what i'm doing and occasionally feel some sort of gratitude for the things i do. but the no money factor kills me. it's also not enough to keep me busy. i'm finding other activities, like cooking, working out, cleaning, and playing video games to make the days pass. and even then, i'm finding it strangely difficult to make a life out of any of this.

you see, a lot of social life depends on funds. with no moneys, this makes it increasingly difficult to go out and do things, like drink heavily at bars -- which most of my friends do. sure, i can hang out with dudes, get drinks, and do whatever i want. but it's not the same. i don't want to be dependent on another dude just to be able to go out and have fun. i've never wanted to be dependent. i'm one of the biggest commitaphobes i've ever met -- and i'm not exactly going to be shy about it. many of my past relationships have failed mostly because of this reason. i don't settle. i don't commit. and when i do these things, they have a tendency to backfire on me. so, for the most part, i just stopped.

i stopped after my latest failed relationship ended in december. we were together for quite some time and i was over it in a matter of days. frankly, i was over it before it was even over. but that empathy factor set in and i decided it was better to seem like i was upset than to go off and live my life so quickly. the commitment set in and i just wasn't ready. i was never ready with him even though he felt like he was. it was just not anything that i needed at the time. and it went on for so long -- as one of my first "real" relationships that i didn't know how to end. and the ending was about 8 months too late.

i could tell myself again and again that it was my fault. that i should have spared both of us the trouble, ending it when it should have ended, rather than many months later when he had invested himself in me and the relationship even further. but i couldn't do that. and i still can't. i can assume that he's forgiven me and things might resume as normal -- to be friends. but i can't do that either. i'll never see him again. or any of the other dudes i may have been sort of "seeing" (or mostly just kissing) on the side -- and i'm sorry that he may not have known that, but i can assume he suspected. it was an easy way out that i saw but never used to progress to a means to an end. i had just always hoped and knew, whatever hopeless romantic, if any, was left in me -- that i would just know when that right dude had come along. i encouraged myself to believe that somewhere out there was a dude i could be with where i didn't want to be with any other dudes except him.

i started 2012 off with a clean slate. and by the middle of january and a whole fuck ton of awful dates later, i found a few shining lights. some of which worked out to my advantage and others not so much. two of them remained steady up until about now. one of them, i had assumed, had no interest in anything else other than what we were doing -- hanging out. he felt more like a friend rather than somebody i may have been sort of dating. the other found a soft spot in me that i wasn't sure existed. and although there was always a constant talk of where we were going or how things were progressing, there never seemed to be a common ground we could take other than whatever it was that we had. so i left it. at some point, i realized that i saw a potential future but never exactly expressed an interest in this until it was too late.

it was a step up and a step down for everyone involved. of course, there were and still are other dudes being picked up and dropped off consistently wherever i see fit. whenever i wanted something more and he didn't, i'd make more time for others. whenever it seemed he wanted something more, i was constantly invested in other dudes. we were always on a different level of infatuation - whether we actually believed in it or not. but it was one of the only things in my life that kept me steady and stable. something i could count on being there even if he wasn't always around whenever i needed him to be -- because i never expected him to be. it was something i felt content with. and happy that throughout this strange, steady dating experience, there was never a point where i felt required to end it -- like so many others had pissed me off before. it was patience and understanding. it was honest and positive.

but there were no rules.

and when there are no boundaries, no procedures, no policies, and no rules, there is bound to be failure, upset, and sadness. i had the ability to do whatever the fuck i wanted. and so i did it. i fell back into old patterns and routines. i fell back into the roots of 15 year old me -- being in the wrong place at the wrong time and doing things i know i shouldn't be doing. my ethics and morals were off balance. i wanted an exclusivity but couldn't get it. so i added more dudes into the picture, making myself even more confused about the whole situation and fucking up some other things i had going for me in my life. i hit a downward spiral until i decided i wasn't going to take this shit any longer.

and yet -- we remained steady. it was always available to me whenever i felt like getting it. problems soon arose that i realized and i didn't know how to cope. i kept telling myself that it was just a phase. we'd been through them before. but i had a feeling. i had that feeling my life had been too swell for too long and i was about to be hit. a storm was coming. and it did.

my existing problems with time and the job search sent me into an anger i've never felt before. i have no money to show for the 4 months i've been out of school. i have no money to go out with friends and live a life. i have no money to pay rent and live in toronto. i have problems with osap giving me money to get through the next year and my new post-grad program. i had friends reach out to me with mind-boggling problems of their own -- dealing with their own stress and anxieties of life that hurt me, knowing that i was dealing with similar issues and was at a loss for words. i re-evaluated my life and choices. this was the first time ever that i didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.

so when i needed him to be there without telling him i needed him to be there, he decided he wasn't going to be. the one steady thing in my life had failed me.

but i'll only be stronger once this storm is over.

......."rise."

the summer of nothing

remember that seinfeld episode with that show about nothing?

my summer is a whole lot of nothing.

i did some blogging for my internship. i'm currently working on an promotional advertising campaign for three products and tracking the visitor numbers and responses on craigslist, kijiji, and the ontario longboarding forum. these things have been keeping me quite busy. 

on the kind of job front, i picked up a blogging assignment for blogTO to review the riverdale farmers' market. i got to go talk to all the vendors and get some free food out of the deal. it wasn't so bad, except it was one of the hottest days of the year when i went to check it out. i wrote up a review of the market and waited for feedback. they thought it was okay -- but it needed revisions. so, i'm working on those revisions now and hoping my next draft will be workable. they pay me some money for it eventually when it's published. it's not a lot, but it will cover some groceries, at least.

the rest of my job search has sort of fallen off the face of the earth. i'm still occasionally applying to jobs but am never hearing back from any for an interview. it's basically the end of july and i haven't had a job yet. but -- this still seems to be the case for many of my friends.

i have a few leads on potential jobs for september but there's no real telling what's going to happen with that. once upon a time, i hoped that if i found a full time job somewhere, i wouldn't have to go back to school. now that i can't seem to find any job, full or part-time, it seems more and more likely everyday that i'll do the green business management program for another 8 months and start the real serious job search next april.

it's going to be strange to tell OSAP by september that this was the first summer ever in 6 years that i wasn't able to find any type of summer work.

the social media break up

i can guarantee it's happened to you, whether you actually knew about it or not: the social media break up.

because, yes, we've gotten to a point where the only logical thing to do when you don't want to see or hang out with somebody anymore is to "remove and delete them from life". you have the power. you have the ability. technology is right there to embrace whatever you want to do. you can throw out people like nobody's business (and i'm waiting to see how many friends i'm losing after this blog post.... ha!)

technology has come so far and we've only grown a little.

about a month ago, i met a dude at a party and things seemed to go okay. he had a childish charm that, while i was drunk, made me laugh. and that's fine. except he was supposed to be mature. and have his life figured out. and was doing a lot of things i couldn't even begin to understand. we exchanged numbers and facebooks to plan hangs. sure, he was kind of cute. but there was something about him that just made me really uneasy and i was soon to find out what that was.

neither of us wanted things to move too quickly, so we spent many weeks texting to try to get together. he'd text me a bunch of times during the day about nothing in particular. it started to get sort of annoying and i didn't always respond. what i didn't need was another stage 5 clinger. i had enough of those encounters already in 2012 and hoped he wasn't one of them. eventually, we made plans with some mutual friends to go to an event. it was great since i was definitely not comfortable hanging out on our own yet -- there was still something about him that gave me a strange feeling.

to my horror, some other friends bailed at the last minute and i was now stuck on a double date. fuck. okay. so we walked around and looked at things. we drank some beer. he talked a lot. he also seemed really nervous. i didn't know what to think. i can't even remember a single thing we talked about. i just found him extremely dull. this was not the dude i met at that party. at the end of the evening, he ended up buying me something cute -- probably to win me back. it didn't really work but hey, that was a good effort. i left him with a hug and went to meet up with other friends to try and analyze what just happened.

so, what happened? well, besides the fact that he was boring, nervous, talked a lot, didn't really get along with any of the friends that were with us and just didn't seem comfortable being with me -- there was also just no fucking spark. no connection. i couldn't see anything in him worth going after. there were a few common interests but not nearly enough to get by. we were pretty much doomed from the start.

i just knew that he knew things between us weren't as good as they should have been after that night. i likely texted saying i had a good time even though i didn't. and i'm pretty sure he responded saying he did too. but then we never texted again. and for good reason. it wasn't until lately when i noticed we were no longer friends on facebook either. i was a little relieved. recently, i did my own social media break up and got rid of at least 30 "friends" that i haven't talked to in months or years -- or they were those stage 5 clingers/stalkers i mentioned before. i figured i may have removed him in that purge or maybe he did it to me. i guess we will never know. and really, i don't give a fuck.

sure, it's not so easy when it's somebody i might actually care about. there are a lot of those friends out there that may not feel the same way about me. and that sucks since i hold friendships quite close to me. social media has just made breaking off friendships and bad dates so much easier leaving most friends none the wiser until it's too late.

so please, i'm asking all of you to remember those manners your mommy once taught you to be polite. because i'd appreciate a reason as to why we're no longer friends. it's simple: tell me you hate the things i post on facebook. tell me you're in love with me and i don't feel the same. tell me you find me annoying. tell me i'm boring. tell me you hate the sarcastic things i say. tell me you're tired of my simpsons quotes.

just tell me something before you remove me from your life forever, okay?

because the absolute worst thing you can do to me is keep me wondering what it was that made you lose interest in me.

i could do a lot of things if i had some money

"i'm really enjoying not having a job." 

yes, i fucking said it. i'm enjoying not working, besides the fact that i'm running low on money. the truth is that i'm so busy doing things outside of the job hunt (like volunteering, my unpaid internship, hanging out and enjoying the summer, and so on) even though i try to spend a few hours a day sending out resumes to these potential jobs.

the interview i had on thursday with the marketing firm went much better than i expected. i was so discouraged from wednesday's ridiculous interview that i forgot what it was like to talk to a real human being (and a recent graduate like myself) about getting a job and experience working. the lady interviewing me was so incredibly personable. she reminded me of what i try to be most days. we talked for a good half hour and the firm does a bunch of neat sustainability things. i'm hoping i can land this one because i feel as though i can be a definite asset to their small team. it seems like a good fit for me. fingers crossed.

in the meantime, i've been pretty busy working on internship projects that are taking up some of my time. i've been completing research on the benefits of longboarding: specifically, carbon offsetting, time/distance saved, and exercise. what started out as something i thought i could enjoy quickly spun into something i realized wasn't the best idea. there were so many different sections to observe and information to discover and transfer knowledge. it was some difficult research. but once it was over, i moved onto the calculation end of things.

just the word 'calculations' and i immediately fell into the fetal position. you mean to tell me i'm going to have to use math? oh, fuck.

this is where i spent a couple of days just staring at what i had to do on google docs and screaming 'fuck' at the top of my lungs. i was so lost. okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. but still. i didn't know what i was supposed to do. none of the things we had discussed previous to when i tried to do the calculations was making any sense and i had forgot a bunch of the things i was supposed to remember, ha.

with the help of a few friends, eventually i found my direction and kept on with it. surely, this was the most half-assed project i had completed to date. or so i thought. upon the deadline and meeting, i was praised for my continuous efforts and perfection. apparently it was exactly what he wanted and needed for the infographic. SUCCESS! mama's still got it.

since i didn't want to look at calculations or the benefits of longboarding anymore for at least awhile (and the lack of graphic design interns to work with me on creating and designing the infographic) i moved onto the newest project of the week: blogging! finally, something i know i can do well and not get bored halfway through. i sent off a list of topics i'm considering writing about with any and all the freedoms i want (including the freedom to hipsterize and swear as much as i see fit, depending on what i'm talking about).

knowing that i have a keen sense for writing and keeping the attention of the internet, and that once upon a time i was actually PAID to blog as part of a job (i know, i had a job once, can you believe that?) i figure this will be a great week.

hopefully i'll hear from the marketing firm too and i'll be paid to do other things soon again too.

time's a wastin'

i figured the job hunt is getting to a serious desperation point as i applied to several jobs yesterday and received two requests for interviews. one for an administrative position at a daycare and one for a research internship for a marketing firm.

okay, yes... i would prefer the research one. but i'm almost willing to do anything if it pays (so, start looking for my drag king debut sooner rather than later).

i'm basically up in arms about the interview i had this morning. i travelled over half an hour in rush hour commute times to the daycare. i was just under ten minutes early. i walked in and was greeted by a lady to pointed me in the direction of the lady interviewing me. we walked to an office while we attempted small talk. she was sort of difficult to understand and talked pretty fast.

at the office, i had a seat and she asked if i had any experience working with kids. yep, i sure did. then, she asked if i had office experience. yep, i kinda did. working in a library is kinda like an office. there were officey-type things to do and whatnot, so i described to her what i did. she followed up by asking me why she should hire me over others. i threw out some things about how i'm awesome. she didn't seem too impressed with me. she told me that if and when she calls for a second interview is when she would talk about the position, the wage, and answer any questions i had about the position.

i stared at her in disbelief. you mean to tell me i travelled over half an hour to meet with you for exactly five minutes? i asked her if they were looking for somebody full-time, permanent and she shook her head yes. she got up to shake my hand and wished me farewell. she didn't even walk me out. when i had checked the time upon me leaving the daycare, it was 9:30am -- the time my interview was supposed to start.

what the fuck just happened?

the fuck?

not only was this a waste of my time (to barely sleep the night before because of interview nerves, to get up and get ready, to travel across the city and meet her) but also a waste of her own time to meet with me. we both know that's five minutes of our lives we will never get back. so why even bother interviewing if you already seem to know that you don't like me or that i don't fit your qualifications/standards for the position?

ugh. feeling totally down and ridiculous, i walked past a loblaws on the way back to the subway. i dropped off a resume just to try and increase chances of a potential job. maybe something will happen. maybe not. at least my chances are better in dropping that resume off than the interview i just had.

here's hoping that tomorrow's interview on bay street goes a little better.

graduation day

technology is cool, right?

i just watched an hour of my own graduation ceremony online through a live stream. the picture quality was horrendous. but yes, today's the day i graduate. and although i missed out on it for various reasons (the main one being that my parents couldn't even come see me graduate), i watched four of the girls graduate live without actually being there. which is kind of neat. i mean, nobody in my program wanted to go. two of them are out west. others had to work or missed the deadline to RSVP to graduate. to each their own, i suppose. i'm not too concerned about missing it. sitting through a 2 hour ceremony again is not really in my best interest.

i now officially have an ontario graduate certificate in project management - environmental... although it's not quite in my literal hands just yet. but yay! i guess.

so, i got rejected from my dream job last week. pretty much a bummer. and i haven't had any calls for interviews or anything since then; but i'm still applying everywhere. i've been filling my time with lots of volunteer things and networking events, as well as working on projects for my unpaid internship. i'm very busy as i just noticed while looking at my calendar. also, it's pride. and i'm performing on saturday june 30 from 5pm-6pm at the pride community cafe. i'm excited for that. and i'll be in the parade on july 1st.

i got an email from the events place, finally, after countless emails from my end of things. you remember this events place, yes? they hired me in april and told me i'd hear from them around may 24. then they said the first week of june. and now it's the end of june and the first time i've heard from them since may. they asked for my availability for "canada day". so i emailed back telling them what's up.

ohhhhh man. i can't even believe if this means i'll start working soon.

42 degrees and an interview or two

i've been job hunting for six months now and i just had my 7th interview.

i got a rejection email from the environmental centre on friday afternoon. i sort of expected it and didn't care too much. i know i could do it well, but it just wasn't all that workable for me, seeing as how it was a permanent position in the middle of no where.

today, i had an interview to work with a non-profit organization and on beaches/in the office all summer. this seemed like a swell role for me. i get to educate people and gain experience doing things, and manage a team of volunteers. this is an ideal position. and it was paid! i really hope i get this one.

our apartment was "randomly selected" this week to participate in the labour force unemployment survey. this basically means that i'm now a statistic in the job hunt and for the next 6 months, they'll be following up monthly to see whether or not i've found work. so next month when the unemployment rate comes out on stats canada, i'll be a part of that percentage. ugh. as if the job hunt wasn't bad enough already!

it took about until the end of june last summer to find 2 jobs and work interchangeably. and then about 3 weeks into it, i left one to gain more hours at the other and that that one let me go because there was no tourism/business/they overhired. maybe it's best for me not to try to jump into things so quickly to ensure i can have a steady job for the summer, even if it's only part-time. but i've stopped applying to shitty summer jobs only because i still wasn't getting any interviews for them. and i need experience in my field, really.

i won't lie though, last week wouldn't have been so amazing if i actually had a job. i enjoy being able to do whatever i want and am definitely keeping busy. but i'm hoping that will come to an end and i can spend my weekends on the beach all summer.

also, it's supposed to be 42 degrees today and it's only june. fuck that shit.

financial troubles

you might ask how i'm surviving in toronto without a paying job.

the short answer is that it's not going well.

the long answer is basically as follows:

1. OSAP & financial aid
i still have a little bit of money leftover from OSAP of 2011-2012. they gave me enough to cover tuition and most of my rent/food which has helped significantly over the year and the past couple of months not in school. my rent is not cheap. food is not cheap. my social life also doesn't come cheap (unless, of course, dudes buy me beers all the time... and i've been flirting my way nonstop for this just because i'm so broke at the moment. it's working; don't judge me. i won't do it as often once i've found a paying job).

my estimate for september is about the same which is quite nice. i'll be able to splurge a bit because  my tuition doesn't cost nearly as much as last year. in fact, it's about $2,000 less than last year. that's so amazing. i'm still scratching my head as to where the $6,000 i spent on tuition last year went and what i've truly gained from the program. i don't remember applying for any tuition assistance/grants/bursaries last year but somehow managed to be the recipient of a bursary that was enough to cover a month's worth of rent and groceries. so when i applied for those money saving things this year, the seneca website came back to me saying that my financial need was too great and they couldn't do anything to help me. really? because back when i was dependent on my parents and/or living at home, my parents made too much money for me to qualify for anything; or my summer working paid for most of my tuition and expenses; or OSAP covered a little bit of tuition yet was never enough. but when i'm an independent struggling to find a paying job, going back to school, living on my own, and have little to no savings because of rent/food/tuition/etc, i can't qualify for any assistance? geez. who does that money end up going to then?

2. attempts at savings 
i never followed a budget while living in toronto but i probably should have. on rent and transportation, i'm looking at $777 + $104 a month = $881. plus the cost of food/beer. and i'd say i was spending $1,000 or more each month just to cover my survival. i had a lot of money saved up to move. it was enough to pay my full amount of first semester tuition $3,000+ before my OSAP came into my hands in september when i moved to toronto.

and even with that tuition, i still had lots of money left over from living at home for almost 2 years, working part-time during the school year and summers, not having any bills to pay or transportation costs (except my cell phone... and even then, my parents sometimes paid for that), not spending any money on food/groceries, and not going out nearly as much or spending too much when i did go out for beers. so yes, i had the ability to save and budget when i wanted to and when i had a steady source of income with no bills to pay. but since i made something like $2,000 over the course of last summer and the last time i worked a paying job was august 2011, it's no wonder that i don't have a lot of cash right now.

3. social life on hold 
i've really cut back on going out lately. or if i do go out, i won't spend that much. i used to go out for meals a few times a week or order in, but i've stopped that too (and maybe i'll go out once a week.) i went home a few times in the past couple of months to save money on meals or i had certain things to do. my parents have been up visiting and have taken me out or fed me every time they come up. i just spent about a week at home to save money and was able to get them to pay for my toiletries for the next couple of months (and, every time i go home, gramma gives me moneys for coming home.. so that's pretty nice). sometimes, my mom will cook me food and i'll bring it back with me. there's a sheppard's pie and pasta sauce in my freezer that's been in there for about a month now. i should probably eat it soon. i'll go to friend's places and we'll have potlucks or barbecues and that's quite helpful in feeding me. i'm a hungry girl, okay, if you haven't noticed already!

4. interviews?
i finally had an interview at the environmental centre i've applied to like 40 times in the past 6 months. they emailed me saying that the full-time position i applied for was filled but they've opened up a part-time position and to re-submit my resume. i did and had the interview on tuesday. it's a part-time, permanent position, three days a week at about 20 hours a week. it extends past the summer but i never told them i was going back to school in september. also, it's in the middle of no where and sort of difficult to get to; i take a bus to a park, walk through the park to a trail, and hike about 2km to the centre. sure.. that's a nice walk in the summer during the daytime. but in the evning/at night/when it's raining/snowing/other inclement weather/etc it won't be very nice. and the cab ride is about $15 with a tip. so yeah, that doesn't come cheap either. i'm supposed to hear back "by the end of the week" but i may be turning it down if i do get it because of all of the things i mentioned above. we'll see.

i'm applying to lots of jobs constantly and not getting anywhere. my unpaid internship is going well. the second part of my research into the longboarding benefits calculations are going smoothly (now.. after some technical/"i can't brain today, i've got the dumb" issues) and it's helping me keep busy on these long, hot days when instead of spending money and drinking beer on a patio, i'm hanging out in my living room with the air conditioning on full blast figuring out the benefits of longboarding.

hey... job... are you out there? it's me... amber.

one year anniversary

i just recently passed the one year anniversary of this blog on may 30th.
and this is my 50th blog post!

where was i a year ago? i was a recent graduate looking for a summer job while living at  my parent's place in niagara falls. in those 3 months, i worked at imax theatre, margaritaville, java joe's, embassy suites, and sport chek. i also had countless interviews and sent off resumes to basically every place in niagara falls. i needed an escape. i had hit rock bottom. work was minimal. living at home was one of the worst things. i couldn't stand it.

a year passes and not a whole lot has changed. i gained more knowledge with a graduate program and plunged myself further into student debt. i moved out of my parent's place and into an apartment with my best friend in the world. i now called toronto my home. and -- up until this weekend, wouldn't have ever believed that i could live in toronto and function. this past weekend was a changing experience as i went for a short walk to use some coupons for dinner and randomly kept running into people i knew. it wasn't until the next day when i was in the wrong place at the wrong time when i truly believed i was a toronto resident -- involved in the eaton centre shooting, 7 people injured and 1 deceased.

luckily, i was above the food court when it happened and was on my way out of the mall when two ladies rushed out of a restaurant and told us to leave the mall immediately. outside, there was a gathering of over 2,000 people staring, taking pictures and videos, and stuck at a standstill on the sidewalk because of what was going on. social media has ruined lives this way -- instead of running for their lives, they're going to take a picture of it first. i didn't see anything out of the ordinary. nobody looked fearful and i didn't hear anything until we were outside. still, it's a bit scary and unreal.

i still don't have a paying job. i've taken on an unpaid internship with a longboarding company as their marketing/sustainability intern. i had my first day today and was assigned my first project to create an infographic about the benefits, exercise, costs, and carbon offsets of using a longboard. at least this gives me something to do instead of nothing. and after this article in the toronto star the next day after my interview, i was even more sold on the unpaid internship thing.

but, i'm still looking. i'm hoping somebody somewhere will eventually realize that they have the ability to pay me to do work too.

the unpaid internship

i've been seeing them around a lot lately in my job postings: the dreaded unpaid internship.

last year and practically every year before, i was so against them. yes, i needed experience doing things and yes, internships were a good place to start. but... money. money was always the issue. i needed money to live and survive. why should i bother putting in 20-40 hours a week for no payment? it's a catch 22. i need experience which i don't have and i need money, also which i don't have.

but, i had to throw away that mindset this summer and applied to several. some unpaid, some paid, and some which didn't specify (and i'm assuming that they will be unpaid). and then i had a thought: would it be at all possible to be rejected from an unpaid internship? i mean, it's not as if i'm applying for a computer programming intern or a communications intern or an open heart surgery intern. i'm applying for unpaid positions in not-for-profits or companies for project coordinators, environmental things, and marketing. things that i can believe i'm qualified for.

but i'm still not hearing from any of them!

are other recent graduates applying for these internships too and they are more qualified to do the job at hand? more qualified? better suited? their resume/cover letter sounds better? i don't even know how to understand this concept.

i've removed my "unpaid internships are not for me" mind frame and am feeling the stench of desperation like no other. i'm restless. i'm bored. i'm running out of money. it's too hot in my apartment. i'm still drinking rather than cutting down like i intended to do. i'm lazy. i'm unmotivated. i spend hours a day applying to jobs i know i can get and never hear from anyone!

that was until today. i came across this article in the toronto star that sort of made me feel a little better about how things are going. it basically says that half a million young people are unemployed and not entirely looking for work. it also says that those actually looking (2 in 10) were discouraged at the job market. discouraged is an understatement, i think. i applied to several jobs and internships (both paid and unpaid) today and finally received a chance for an interview. finally. my last interview was weeks ago. i was beginning to think there was nothing left in the job market for me at all.

but oh yes... that apparent job i've had since april and haven't started yet. there's still no word on that. june, they said. as far as i know, june is around the corner soon.

i mean, not that i have any idea what day it actually is or anything.

the lights are out

i like to think i don't get scared easily.

okay, that's probably the first lie i've told in a very long time. i'll be the first to admit that i'm afraid of everything. spiders, bugs, commitment, the gathering darkness...

also a lie. except for maybe spiders and commitment.

what i'm scared of currently is the fact that outside of my door, all the lights are out. and fuck, it's scary. it's pitch black. i can't see anything. i don't want to leave my place in fear of what could happen in the five second walk down the hall to the stairs. or what would be even worse is if the stairs also had no lights on, and then i would be royally fucked. i barely want to climb those stairs with the lights on, nonetheless off (see: brother slipping and ending up with a bleeding finger).

but still. it's quite strange. and creepy. and scary. so i'm just going to hang out here for awhile until they maybe turn the lights back on.

what's new on the job hunt, you ask?

well, i had an interview last week for a place that sells school uniforms. she seemed to really like me and felt that i would fit in well with the store. the interview lasted quite some time. she even commented on my outfit (new interview clothes for the win!). she told me that she would make a decision on friday but i never heard from her. i suppose it's for good measure. she said that it would be extremely part-time hours for may, june, and july. maybe one or two days a week. and then august would be full time, all the time, as much as i wanted to work. i figured it would sort of be like that; nobody wants to buy school uniforms in may and everybody leaves things till the last minute in august and september. 

but i never heard from her.

i thought i had nailed it. i expected her to call because she was so impressed with me. i felt pretty good walking out of that interview. but nope, nothing. and i didn't want the job badly enough to call her. but i mean, she DID say she was going to call ME. and i suppose that counts for something.

one of the best things about being unemployed (or rather, employed but have yet to start? apparently i'm supposed to start the event place in june... we'll see about that) is all the time you get to yourself to do the things you want to do. like, for instance, i'm pretty aware that winter hibernation (and my roommate's mac and cheese) made me gain some weight. nothing too significant (friends are saying i look better) but i'm starting to notice and that bothers me. hey, don't get me wrong. i love myself and my body. i just always have the determination to make it how i want it to be.

i started a workout regime this week as for the last few months, i've been extremely lazy. it just involves going for long walks of 40+ minutes 3-4 times a week and a series of at-home exercises including push ups, stretches, sit ups, other ab workouts, yoga and tai chi poses, and a bunch of other things i can do around the apartment, like invisible chair competitions with myself (and charles the mouse when he comes out to play). i've also been doing a lot of in-my-room dancing routines i've taught myself off youtube to get ready for pride in june. i did this and this back in my undergrad for rez events and they were so much fun. i can't wait to get back up on stage again.

i've also started to do the other healthy things i never had much time for or was too lazy to do like floss (the dentist is coming up soon), buy/cook some healthy meals, try to cut back on my drinking (both for my body and for my wallet right now) and sit outside in the sun to get a tan. i've been reading the ground truth because all that 9/11 stuff interests me greatly. next up will be climate wars, a book i've always wanted to read since my undergrad, and that should be by next week or so.

and y'know, the usual of hanging out with friends, playing video games (i'm working through ocarina of time.. god damn water temple), and watching countless hours of tv and movies when i'm that bored.

ganon is so scary.

i guess the unemployed life is not so bad. if only making money wasn't a major issue.

post graduate program review

i learned a lot of really neat things over the past 8 months.

although i won't go into ridiculous detail about everything that happened within the project management - environmental program, here are some of the highlights (expect some major use of cognitive dissonance!):

1. good professor, bad professor 

yes, i sure had a wide variety of instructors. one of them in particular that everyone in the program seemed to have a problem with. he had a tendency to not give any feedback, got angry when people came in late, wouldn't always give a break during class, wouldn't allow you to leave the class when you had to pee, argued with students over more/less grades, got angry if he taught something to us once/seven times and we still didn't understand, didn't see a problem when he handed back the midterms and then was approached by 95% of the class about grades, yelled at students... and the list goes on. he taught two of my classes. that was not fun.

a second professor had a very weird way of grading that was most of the time, extremely unfair. he wanted a ridiculous amount of information in order to be given full marks for each question. his first few tests/quizzes were like this, and once he discovered that only one person in the program had any knowledge on the subject and we had collectively decided that his grading was not good, he changed his marking scheme and made it slightly better for us. until the final exam, worth too much of our grade, which basically screwed everyone over. but i thought it was legit... i studied and memorized a lot of what was on it. i just sort of feel bad for the rest of my program during that exam.

a third professor started off alright and then i stopped going to class. this class had a very small number of people in it and rarely did i ever get any work done. the first assignment i submitted sometime at the end of january was returned to me in march; i had done the whole thing wrong. so i asked to resubmit the assignment and she agreed. then, i didn't hand it any of the other assignments, minus one that i did hand in. when it got to the end of the semester and the final assignment, i did each section of the final assignment and asked if i could still submit the other assignments i didn't do. she agreed but seemed extremely disappointed in me for not doing the work on time. she also yelled at me for not getting the work done on time like almost everyone else. honestly, i just didn't give a flying fuck about this elective course. i spent four days at the end of the semester trying to crunch out those assignments and email them in; she must have accepted them and i must have done a very good job on them despite the "late penalty" i was going to get, as i still somehow got out of that class with an A. 

the rest of my instructors were fantastic, except for my mentor for the internship.

2. the "internship" 

i started this program based solely on the internship component. i have limited experience (see: none) in my field of study, besides shitty summers on clifton hill with tourism and i'd rather be on the environment side of things. what i, and most of the people in my program who were having the exact same problem, were hoping was that the we would gain some valuable experience and skills from this internship.

now, when i think of an internship, i think of literally being in a workplace setting with other people who work there and y'know... doing work. like, hell, if i was just the intern who took notes at a meeting or was in charge of getting coffee or making photocopies or just.. anything in the workplace that needed to be done (hell, i would have cleaned bathrooms if it meant i'd be doing SOMETHING). but this was not the case.

instead, i met with my project sponsor once. the first time, i was sick and wasn't able to meet him. he gave us a project -- to develop an environmental audit checklist and methodology to measure the effectiveness of their environmental performance. cool? i figured maybe as part of the project, we would have to conduct the audit ourselves. wrong. maybe we would have to go in and actually survey employees for our checklist questions. wrong. at the very least, i thought we would be in constant communication with the sponsor and maybe have a few days where we would be on-site, checking things out and gaining that real world experience. nope, wrong again.

so what did we do? well, we created the checklist and methodology. essentially, a 40 page project. it included the actual project plus various project management tools and techniques that we used. also, there were 3 people in my group, and the one guy basically did next to nothing the entire semester. my mentor was a bit of a dick and rarely helpful -- because we didn't really need him for much, but he was always extremely nosy and into our business which didn't help a lot of things. after that already 8 hour day before seeing him, and staying close to another 3 hours with him once a week for no reason, i just couldn't take him any more. it's a good thing i know how to be a dick back.. i can thank my thesis advisor for that.

3. program friends 

despite all odds, the people i met in my program were amazing and i'm glad we all got through it together. these are definitely some people i won't soon forget. and i hope we can hang out and do things all summer -- and that my next year program of green business management will have just as great people. i made some life-long friendships and i'm happy for that!

i like to think of us as community.. kinda.

4. recommendations

i'm pretty sure we were the dawning age of this program. it's only been around 2 or 3 years and yet, supposedly, we have changed it so much. we were supposed to have that one awful professor for a course in the second semester. after we (see: the entire program) took the course coordinator aside and bitched about the professor to the coordinator, he made some changes and hired a wonderful professor to teach us the course in the second semester.

they'll be making changes to the curriculum for next year and not allowing an elective course. i found the elective for us to choose the most frustrating as almost nothing that interested me (or others) was available. about ten students chose a project scheduling class at a different campus in the evening. that class didn't interest me and i wasn't sure how to get to the other campus, nor did i want to have a day that started at 8am and ended at 10pm, so i didn't take it. originally, i started off the semester in an energy course that i went to 3 classes and immediately dropped for a different class -- with the third 'bad' professor. but the elective sort of tore the group apart; some were in the scheduling class, others took online or correspondence courses, some took other random classes. it was just extremely screwed up. our family was not as close as it should have been in the second semester as much as we were in the first semester when we had a fantastic schedule and no 14 hour days.

but, it's over. i graduate and get handed my ontario graduate certificate at the end of june. i would probably recommend this program more with the better curriculum -- and if the internship ever turned into an actual internship. it was a somewhat okay way to utilize the project management skills we gained from the first semester and the risk management skills in the second semester. however, the program and the courses need better organization and a focus with each class relating to each other through projects, assignments, presentations, and lectures. connectivity between courses is key to higher education and learning, and i at least felt that tourism and environment at brock had that down a lot of the time.

onto bigger things in september: green business management. because i've yet to land a job so i may as well dive deeper into my student debt!

unemployed? nah, just looking.

ladies and gentlemen, i'm proud to announce to you that i have been recommended for graduation and will be receiving an ontario graduate certificate at the end of june. 8 months really did go by very quickly.

a thorough review of the last 8 months will be happening shortly.

in the meantime on the job front, i applied to an event staffing place at the end of april who told me to come in and fill out an application. i took the over an hour commute to the headquarters and met with the dude doing the hiring. he basically told me that they would review my application and contact me when i was needed. i help with events and festivals throughout the city of toronto. he sends all the information about the upcoming event/festival via email and i get to choose whether i'd like to work it or pass on it. he said it was likely that i could get full time hours if i wanted.

this sounded fantastic to me as i'd get to work outside all summer and make some money. it wasn't directly related to the environment but it is tourism, so that was okay. also, it was the first place to hire me and with the way things were going, i decided to take it. i told them i was available to work that weekend and they never got back to me. i emailed asking when i would start and they said "the busy season would be starting soon" and he'd be in touch when i was needed.

this job hasn't exactly stopped me from applying to other jobs. i applied for a program coordinator position with a hostel and got a call for an interview. however, after returning the call and getting voice mail, i never received another call again. a couple days later, i went home and emailed the dude asking if interviews were still happening. he calls that day and says he could interview me right then if i was available -- but i was at home. well, shit. if this place couldn't organize set interview times and call me back, i didn't believe they were worth my time. also, i had heard the hostel wasn't that nice. it just essentially would have been a place to utilize the skills i've learned from the past 8 months.

i had a marketing firm call me and ask for an interview even though i didn't apply to them. they came across my resume on monster. i forgot that i even had a resume posted up there. they called on friday and again on monday. i returned the call on monday and they're primary focus was telemarketing/cold calling with financial institutions. totally not what i'm looking for. they said if anything comes up in the environmental field, they would let me know. i highly doubt that'll happen, but i thanked them for their interest in me.

today, after applying to another job at the same environmental store that i've applied to probably about 2-3 times in the last couple of months, i got a call from them but they didn't leave a message. i thought this was very strange. what employer calls and doesn't leave a message?

i'm also enjoying the number of rejection emails i get -- both personalized and unpersonalized. at least i know my resumes are getting read.. even if my resume isn't good enough. two of the dream jobs i applied for are out -- rejected. i've totally re-done both my resume and cover letter. i really hope it helps.

man, i friggin' hate the job search.

overqualified

i had an interview with mama earth organics on thursday afternoon.

yeah, i pretty much felt like this.

it was a standard one-on-one interview. he looked over my resume and asked me some questions about it. we talked about my education and previous work experience. but, he questioned whether the job was the right fit for me. as in, my postgrad in project management meant my goals and aspirations to eventually become a project manager were set too high and not applicable to the company.

he basically told me i was overqualified for the position, and also said that they don't want to hire students directly out of school. well, shit. so what employers do hire students from school? he said he would call on friday if he had other questions and to make a decision. there was no call, so i can assume i didn't get it. but my odds are getting better perhaps -- there were 40 applications, narrowed down to 5 people interviewed.

in the meantime, i apply to at least one new job every day. and in the last week, i've received plenty of rejection emails. so, y'know, things are swell on the job search like they always are for me and countless others!

in 11 days, i'll be finished my postgrad and i'll be one happy girl. my program is a complete joke and waste of time. the "internship" (a word i'm going to use extremely loosely here since it's not actually an internship) is not giving me any real world experience. yes, i can create a project based on sponsor requirements, but it doesn't officially help me get anywhere in work experience -- especially when ISO 14001 standards are pretty much obsolete. plus, being in a group with a dude who doesn't do anything isn't helpful either.

the main hope from completing this internship in the beginning was:
a) the possibility of getting a job with the company after completion and
b) using my sponsor as a reference
i definitely won't be doing either of those things. but i'll do a bigger review of the whole program once i'm finished.

look, i've been practicing. i made a pigeon-rat.

also, i'm pretty certain there are pigeons nesting on my balcony. they have woken me up with their noise on several occasions now and i try to scare them away by banging on the window. there's a bunch of leftover garbage from previous tenants on the balcony adjacent from my room that i never cleaned up. and the pigeons have nested on a pile of it. i can't get my door open now because  my parents sealed it shut for me in the winter. the cold draft and the wind blowing open the door sometimes were too much. i need somebody to help me open the door and destroy the pigeon habitat (in a nice, animal rights sort of way).

it's been a couple of weeks since i've seen charles the mouse hanging out in our apartment. i may have accidentally thrown him down the garbage chute one afternoon. i went to empty the garbage and felt something move. early in march, i saw a mouse running around in the laundry room. it seems the whole building must be infested. i hope they stay away with the warm weather now.

risk group project due tomorrow. internship report and presentation wednesday. GIS report wednesday. exams start the next week. risk and business exams on the monday, and civil infrastructure on wednesday, followed by my final GIS presentation and report on the thursday.

11 more days. that's all i need.