a hospital visit i won't soon forget

i was supposed to have that cystoscopy on thursday. i was terrified.

i remained cautiously optimistic in the fact that i was told they would give me a sedative or anaesthetic to help me relax. i was told it would be no more invasive than a pap smear. and well, that's fine, but i've never had one of those either. needless to say, i was pretty damn nervous to have my who-ha exposed and on display for the first time.

then, they told me i wasn't able to have a sedative or anaesthetic. they told me they don't do that. uhh, wait a minute. the secretary who booked my appointment said i could have drugs if i wanted them. and now you're telling me i can't? okay. well. uhm. let's give it a shot then. the nurse told me i wouldn't be able to feel much and it would be "just a pinch" - i'm a little relieved until she starts prepping me.

HELLO LADY?! THAT IS NOT A PINCH. THAT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE RIPPING APART MY FUCKING VAGINA DEAR GOD STOP.  i was crying and yelling and screaming. and all they had done was put some freezing gel on me.

yeah, so, that didn't go well. they didn't even try to go through with the procedure. and that's for the best. after i had regained my composure a bit, i talked to the urologist who ordered me some anaesthetic for next time and set up another appointment for next wednesday.

to get this anaesthetic, i had to go see a doctor at the walk-in clinic and get him to examine me, make sure i'm healthy, and sign off on the form to knock me out. guess who the doctor is? the one i fucking can't stand. the one who put me on the antibiotic that gave me c diff. the one that belittles me every chance he gets.

i calmly and politely discussed with him why i'm getting the cystoscopy and the instructions i was given to tell the doctor to ensure all the paperwork goes through. he then passively-aggressively mentions that i need to stop telling him how to do his job. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! this is MY body. this is what the UROLOGIST PERFORMING THE PROCEDURE WANTS AND IT'S DIFFERENT THAN THE NORMAL FORMS YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT, ASSHOLE.

he quickly runs through my physical, asking me when was the last time i had a physical done. i don't remember. he laughs. he then asks if my weight and height on the form are accurate, even though i had just estimated. again, he laughs inappropriately and i ask if i could weigh myself. without mentioning that he's finished examining me, he goes to leave the room. i ask if i'm supposed to bring all of my stuff and if we're done. he says "yes, we're done here" - DUDE. TELL ME THAT THEN. DON'T WANDER OFF IN A HUFF. YOU'RE A FUCKING DOCTOR. COMMUNICATE WITH ME.

i want to mention that when i saw this doctor days before i was hospitalized the second time and when he had prescribed me the second antibiotic, he asked me if i had sex in the last few months. i told him no, because i haven't. and that's the story i've been telling every doctor i had met over the past couple months. why would i lie? well, for some reason, this doctor seemed convinced i was lying to him and again, laughed at me, almost implying that i was a whore.

a nurse weighs me and i weigh in at 118 pounds. the doctor then tells me that i was "close" as i had written down 120 on the form. he either thought i was fatter than 120 or skinnier than 120... and it's probably the fatter one, knowing this guy. even the secretary at the urologist's office looked at me, as i was completely bundled up for the cold weather and said, "you look like you're about 110 and much taller than 5'6" 

i just want to get this test over with finally so they can tell me why i keep getting these recurring infections for no reason. wednesday needs to get here faster.

#internshipproblems

i never took the job from home depot.

i'm finding it difficult to have motivation to callback loblaws who have been after me for a couple of weeks now to set up an interview because i don't want a shitty, part-time job. and also, i just don't have the time for it.

since reading week ended, i've just been on the go nonstop. school is kicking my ass (but i'm still half-assing basically everything and rocking a 4.0 GPA. don't ask how; i have no idea).

i left my internship at metrolinx and realized i could never survive in an office environment with too many ridiculous, condescending people. i was overwhelmed and stressed out, which never happens. i just didn't know how to deal. i had no words. and i shouldn't have any words when i'm giving out free labour to a company that doesn't know what they want out of their free labour. asking questions got me no where and lead to aggressive responses that were completely uncalled for. not to mention, the issues with space for me being on site and the limited access to information for what i needed to do for them, eventually.

it just wasn't worth my time. and my coordinator didn't exactly make the issue any easier. i decided to use my own connections, networking, contacts, and cuteness (c'mon, you gotta give me that one) to talk to a bunch of companies and organizations that would appreciate an intern of my caliber. i got really far in a few companies who i'm still waiting to reply back (but, being around the beginning and middle of november, almost every internship placement won't start again until december or january). and i assumed that i would be without a placement until january. i was cool with that until i got a strange email.

i received an email from the globe and mail, one of our original program internship placements, saying that my coordinator had selected me as the second intern for their placement. i was thrown off by this because my coordinator hadn't said a word to me about this happening -- and then proceeded to let it slide until i approached her about it. and that pretty much settled it; i had to throw the majority of all the people i was talking to about becoming an intern at their organization under the bus. uhhh, thanks for playing, but my coordinator decided my fate without telling me and now i look like a fucking asshole and have ruined my name if i ever wanted to actually work for those companies.

god damnit.

so, now i'm an intern at the globe and mail, getting to work alongside a wonderful dude from my program. and i guess that's a plus. but there's just so much more i wanted out of this internship which is not even worth any course credit. it's just an addition to the program. i met with globe and mail this past friday and they're going to help me get set up. but, there's only 3 weeks left in the semester and i told them not to rush things. i'll just focus on my remaining schoolwork and start fresh in the new year. and then i'll be counting down the days until i'm finished and not returning to school in september.

2 terrible years of grad school are enough for me, i think.