of all the things you've done wrong

toronto experienced a terrorist attack this week.

i call it terrorism because that is 100% what it was. an attack - a targeted attack - on women. 10 people are dead and 14 more are seriously injured. a raging dude decided to run over everything in his path because of rejection. women wouldn't sleep with him - maybe. but perhaps that's for good reason.

this is a kind reminder that women do not owe anyone anything. and they are not required to have sex with anyone they don't want to have sex with. it's 2018 and people somehow don't seem to understand this concept. the fact that later on this week, bill cosby was found guilty of three counts of aggravated indecent assault speaks more words than i ever could.

my heart has been hurting a lot this week. my biggest fear as a toronto pedestrian is someone hitting me with their vehicle, on purpose or accidentally. pedestrian deaths and injuries climb every year and no matter how much i follow the rules of the road, i'm nearly hit daily.

i'm not a stranger to the worst dudes who refuse to take no for an answer. a few of which wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if they went on a killing spree. i'd hope that they would keep their composure or reach out for help before it came to that. but once i had heard the suspect was in custody, i held my breath. it wasn't any of them, thankfully. at least - not yet.

so much of what i've experienced is the brutal online harassment and violence, similar to what nora loreto is currently going through for a tweet regarding the humboldt broncos crash. hiding behind a screen, these dudes consistently harass her about things unrelated to her tweet in a horrible manner. it's sickening. most of these people utter death threats. nobody deserves that kind of treatment. continuing to hide behind their screens, i'm betting these were the same people jumping to conclusions about the ethnicity and motives of the suspect for the toronto attack.

the most heartbreaking part of it all is when my coworkers brushed off the attack like it was nothing. "it is what it is" was something muttered way too much this week. my coworkers explained to our international offices that it was "some crazy guy who hates women" and not a terrorist attack. but they are wrong.

nobody's life should ever be cut short because some dude didn't get what he wanted.

#torontostrong

she makes her way and never looks back

each year that passes seems to have a main theme. for 2017, the theme was year of the ex. and not just one of them.

there's a reason these dudes are not in my life. in order to truly move on from any feelings i once had, it's important that these dudes no longer play a role. they have served their purpose. and i have no desire to see them again.

unfortunately, i make the mistake of not changing my old habits or watering holes because, well, why should i? these habits and places were mine first. so occasionally, we might run into each other.

it started off innocently enough. we showed up to the same event. you clearly saw me and ran away. cool, looks like i won this round. the next time, i went to a store i enjoy and saw you down an aisle. this time, i made sure to run away. i was having a bad day which got worse when i saw you and i was not interested in dealing with anything. and that was it for you. one ex - a couple of encounters - okay, no big deal.

wrong.

at a bar and things seem oddly familiar. i recognize that guy up front. next to him is the second ex. panic. well, maybe it won't be that bad. oh, wait, it's worse than i thought. not again. i can't possibly have more bad luck. wait - what's that? - you work here? oh. guess i'll be leaving then.

year of the ex continues on the very last day of the year. the third and final ex.

this time, i'm less ready for it because you were so far from my radar. you caught me by surprise in that place i took you once. and then it all came back to me. one of the last times i saw you, we were seeing that band, at that venue. you liked music. we may as well have traveled back in time 4 years and had that night all over again. but this was different. things didn't end in a bad place. they ended because timing is a bitch. and you were probably what i should have been chasing all along. but young me thought you were too good for me until it was too late. and sitting across from you on new year's eve was the reason we ended.

all of these dudes shaped who i am today and i do hope they are happy with whatever it is that they're doing currently. but please, all of you, go back into hiding for another 4 years. i have reached my maximum quota of feelings for a long time.