the cheating curve

i wanted to write about how the cystoscopy went this week but i'm actually tired about writing about how terrible my health is and how there aren't any answers for me. the good news is that everything came back normal and they took another urine sample. they put me on 3 days of a new antibiotic to prevent any new infection from occurring and to kill off whatever infection remained.

in the meantime, i'm still waiting for complete feeling and mobility of my left leg and foot to come back entirely and not feel like constant pins and needles. i don't know why it ended up happening this way, but i am not impressed.

great. now let's go on to what is currently keeping me awake:

infidelity.

no, i'm not in a relationship. but i remember when i was. i remember when i was some dude's girlfriend, and i almost want to use that term loosely, since there was never a distinct indication of the time we seemed to go from coworkers to friends to out one night to walking me home to in my bed to seeing each other to wait, what, i'm now your girlfriend to uhhh i don't know how i feel about this to god only knows what.

and 3 months later, that's what it was. i was officially a girlfriend because i was told. i didn't have an opinion in the matter. and i guess you can say that's likely when it all started to go downhill and i realized we were totally wrong for each other. i started wandering off. i started hanging out with dudes where i knew something would happen, because it always did.

and right around this time, this dude, who i was the apparent girlfriend of, and we had been together for four months, decided to tell me that he was in love with me.

me. 
he was in love with me.

you want a sure way to ruin everything? tell a commitaphobe 4 months into barely dating that you're in love with her. yeah, see how that goes.

i always had a sneaking suspicion that he was beginning to know what i was up to some nights when i went out. i was young. i wanted to go out and see my friends. he was a homebody. he wanted to see his friends. i hated his friends. i hated his family. i hated being with him. i hated how every other dude in my life made me feel better about myself - even if there wasn't anything between us at the time. i hated knowing that he told me he loved me and i didn't say anything back. and never did. i hated knowing that i was going to have to break up with him. but i couldn't. i was stubborn and he was in love. i knew he was the one that would have to break up with me in order for this to work out in my favour.

so, i started hanging out more with my friends. and he started hanging out more with some of his new friends. one of his classmates. a girl. a girl who was married and old and "ugly" - his words. he told me she was not his type. but i'm not even sure he knew who his type was. they would do lots of things together. and when time came for us to do the long distance thing, she brought him to see a jays game once and then i met up with them. it just seemed odd that this married woman was hanging out with this 22 year old dude. but as i was looking for a way out, i didn't care.

more months passed and then i got a text from him saying that some girl at a party kissed him. well, hey! here's my way out! except, fuck that. i knew i was better than breaking up with him over text. so, i let it slide. and kept doing what i was doing. i wasn't sleeping around but just keeping my options open. a few weeks later, i came home and was making every excuse not to see him. eventually, he was fed up and broke up with me through a text message. really, dude? uh, okay. you do that then. he obviously took it a lot harder than me (as they.. always tend to do.. i'm just heartless or something) and had to unfriend me on facebook and all that.

and from time to time, i'd lurk a profile or two. guess who he's dating now? that married girl. she might even still be married. i don't fucking know or care. it's just bizarre. and well, at least i know now that i had a right to be suspicious of them in the first place.

i say all of this because in the last year or so, i've been propositioned on more than one occasion to get with married/committed dudes. all with psycho wives/girlfriends. talking to them is one thing. sexting is another. but i don't see what i'm doing or what they're doing as wrong or cheating. it was only when i physically kissed other dudes - that was my line drawn on the cheating curve. yes, i talked. yes, i flirted. yes, i wanted it all. but until there was something physical, i was convinced i was never in the wrong. and currently. this is sort of how i continue to feel about the opportunities i'm presented with.

some have been going on for a year. some come and go in monthly intervals or when i'm mostly just feeling down. some i've even turned down because i don't want to get involved. i'm all for open marriages and open relationships. i'm all for primary partners and polygamy. i've been there. i've done that. and actually, it's kind of nice. gone are the days when one person can give the other what they need. but any of the ones i've been involved with have yet to become physical. in fact, it gets a little hard to believe when a much older, married man, tries to explain to me how much he cares for me. that isn't what i signed up for. and it doesn't necessarily make me feel better about myself when a sketchy, old, married man with kids is saying these things to me.

i'm not a naive girl. and it's because i tend to get myself into these situations over and over again that i know when and how to get out of them. participating in someone else's infidelity is not my fault.

i only wish i knew that earlier.

a hospital visit i won't soon forget

i was supposed to have that cystoscopy on thursday. i was terrified.

i remained cautiously optimistic in the fact that i was told they would give me a sedative or anaesthetic to help me relax. i was told it would be no more invasive than a pap smear. and well, that's fine, but i've never had one of those either. needless to say, i was pretty damn nervous to have my who-ha exposed and on display for the first time.

then, they told me i wasn't able to have a sedative or anaesthetic. they told me they don't do that. uhh, wait a minute. the secretary who booked my appointment said i could have drugs if i wanted them. and now you're telling me i can't? okay. well. uhm. let's give it a shot then. the nurse told me i wouldn't be able to feel much and it would be "just a pinch" - i'm a little relieved until she starts prepping me.

HELLO LADY?! THAT IS NOT A PINCH. THAT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE RIPPING APART MY FUCKING VAGINA DEAR GOD STOP.  i was crying and yelling and screaming. and all they had done was put some freezing gel on me.

yeah, so, that didn't go well. they didn't even try to go through with the procedure. and that's for the best. after i had regained my composure a bit, i talked to the urologist who ordered me some anaesthetic for next time and set up another appointment for next wednesday.

to get this anaesthetic, i had to go see a doctor at the walk-in clinic and get him to examine me, make sure i'm healthy, and sign off on the form to knock me out. guess who the doctor is? the one i fucking can't stand. the one who put me on the antibiotic that gave me c diff. the one that belittles me every chance he gets.

i calmly and politely discussed with him why i'm getting the cystoscopy and the instructions i was given to tell the doctor to ensure all the paperwork goes through. he then passively-aggressively mentions that i need to stop telling him how to do his job. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! this is MY body. this is what the UROLOGIST PERFORMING THE PROCEDURE WANTS AND IT'S DIFFERENT THAN THE NORMAL FORMS YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT, ASSHOLE.

he quickly runs through my physical, asking me when was the last time i had a physical done. i don't remember. he laughs. he then asks if my weight and height on the form are accurate, even though i had just estimated. again, he laughs inappropriately and i ask if i could weigh myself. without mentioning that he's finished examining me, he goes to leave the room. i ask if i'm supposed to bring all of my stuff and if we're done. he says "yes, we're done here" - DUDE. TELL ME THAT THEN. DON'T WANDER OFF IN A HUFF. YOU'RE A FUCKING DOCTOR. COMMUNICATE WITH ME.

i want to mention that when i saw this doctor days before i was hospitalized the second time and when he had prescribed me the second antibiotic, he asked me if i had sex in the last few months. i told him no, because i haven't. and that's the story i've been telling every doctor i had met over the past couple months. why would i lie? well, for some reason, this doctor seemed convinced i was lying to him and again, laughed at me, almost implying that i was a whore.

a nurse weighs me and i weigh in at 118 pounds. the doctor then tells me that i was "close" as i had written down 120 on the form. he either thought i was fatter than 120 or skinnier than 120... and it's probably the fatter one, knowing this guy. even the secretary at the urologist's office looked at me, as i was completely bundled up for the cold weather and said, "you look like you're about 110 and much taller than 5'6" 

i just want to get this test over with finally so they can tell me why i keep getting these recurring infections for no reason. wednesday needs to get here faster.

i forget what it feels like to be healthy

i'm still not 100% as we've now hit the fourth month of being sick.

i had an appointment with a toronto urologist on tuesday after i finished the remaining c diff antibiotics friday night. i never want to see, taste, or take another pill ever again. and i never want to wake up with a new side effect ever again.

think of the absolute worst hangover you've had in your life. the nausea. the body aches. the headache. then multiply it by about 1000 and there you have how i felt for 5 days. constant, 24 hour nausea. what's worse is that i had to take the antibiotics with food or else it would be bad. ever tried eating when you're nauseous as fuck? it's not good.

i told the toronto urologist about all of my problems and all he could really tell me is that it sounds like i've just had an extremely unlucky set of events in the past four months. his sympathy was greatly appreciated once he put it into perspective. and here, i thought it was just me. he scheduled me for a cystoscopy for next week. they're gonna look inside my bladder and see if there's something in there causing the infections.

before any of this started, i never had a dream that involved doctors, hospitals, or me being sick. a few days before i was hospitalized back in september, i had a dream that i was seeing a doctor who told me i had a "self inflicted STD" - whatever that means. it's stuck with me, even though it didn't make any sense. i hadn't been with anyone and well, let's be honest, hadn't really helped myself out much either.

before i met with the toronto urologist, i had a dream i was back in the hospital undergoing some kind of a procedure for an "embolism" - but they were sticking needles in my tummy. again, this is a dream that's stuck with me because my subconscious seems to know when something is wrong with me before my body does.

and although i'm back on the job hunt in the most minimal way and back to having stupid, waste of my time interviews (like the ones i had yesterday, amongst the other five hundred people looking to score similar positions by meeting with an employer for 5 minutes), i just want to be better before i get out there again.

there's no telling when i'm actually going to feel 100%, as i kind of forget what that feels like. it has been over four months since i've felt healthy.

i'll just continue to take this one day at a time.

rough patch

my name is amber.

i'm 25, unemployed, single, and sick as fuck.

i never thought much about my future when i was young. 25 seemed so far away at the time and i didn't know what i wanted for dinner, let alone, where i'd be a decade or two from then.

you can tell me i'm going through a rough patch all you want. that i grew up and graduated from school at the wrong time. that the economy blows. that i'm not putting myself out there as much as i should be. that i should go back to school. that i should interview better. that i shouldn't have spent so long in school. that i should've started working sooner. that it's my own fault for losing my job. that it's my own fault for getting plagued with an illness that makes me watch my body deteriorate at an alarming rate.

but there isn't much i can do, outside of what i'm already doing. how long do these rough patches last? or maybe this is my body saying that i need to become a professional student, since the moment i stopped going to school, i became ill for no reason.

when the results of the test i took on sunday came back and were positive for c diff, it was  the first time in over a decade where i was more concerned with my mental health than my physical well-being.

plagued with this ongoing illness for over 3 months (with mild symptoms beginning as early as may and severe symptoms starting in september), my body has been in a complete revolt. the prolonged use of antibiotics gave me another infection on top of what i was already fighting, and now i feel as though i'm losing both battles simultaneously. my symptoms, severity, duration - none of them point to one underlying illness. instead, i've been thrown on 4 different antibiotics and attempted a wait-and-see appraoch, which did nothing and required me to go onto the fourth antibiotic.

i'm doing my best to be strong through all of this. i'm tough. i'm an optimist. this is what i do. but waking up and experiencing new side effects daily is making me lose hope in my optimism. the constant support of family and friends is no match when it's getting more and more difficult to recognize yourself, both physically and emotionally.

but i'll get through this because i always do. my optimism still stands, it's just a little less than what it was before. 

unemployed & more health issues

a lot can change in 2 weeks.

i finished the second round of antibiotics on sunday november 3. on the saturday, i went to the clinic for a follow up. i told the doctor i was feeling better and he told me to continue what i'm doing and come in a week later to do another urine sample.

i was feeling better for about two days. on wednesday, i woke up with the dull back ache and a bit of a tummy ache. well, that's not good. i went to the clinic on my lunch break and did another urine test. the doctor, once again, said i'm fighting something and put me back on the same antibiotics i just had for round 2, but for longer - 10 days this time. i went back to work and finished out the day.

i went to work thursday morning and settled in for another day. about twenty minutes into starting my work, my boss comes over and asks to talk to me. he brings me into one of the conference rooms with the HR lady. i figured they were just going to go over my benefits package again, which i was to receive the following week, on november 12, as my 3 month probationary term ended.

instead, my boss tells me that he's terminating me as part of my 3 months and that it was "a business decision" - effective immediately.

uh. what?!

so, i'm shocked. i don't even know what to say. my boss leaves and the HR lady tells me that i get paid until the end of the week and a bunch of other stuff i tuned out. i ask if this had anything to do with the fact that i have been very ill the past couple of months. she tells me it isn't. she then says it "just wasn't the right fit" and continues to tell me more things.

uh. i bring up the fact that about a month ago, i had a mini performance evaluation in which i was told everything was going great and they were extremely happy with me. the HR lady tells me she will try to look into this further for answers.

i've taken 3 sick days in the time i've been there. 3 completely legitimate sick days - 1 of which i was in the hospital before, 1 of which i was in the hospital after. however, my illness never once affected my work. ever. in fact, before heading to the hospital the second time, i came home and finished up part of the work that needed to be sent out that evening, but the servers were not working too well all day.

so, i was laid off for no reason. pretty much a "you'll reach your 3 months in 4 days but since you haven't, suck it" and now i'm back on the job hunt.

following this, i came home to niagara thursday afternoon. i had managed to get an appointment to see my family doctor friday. friday morning, i began to experience some light side effects from the antibiotics. i talked to my doctor who did bloodwork and another urine test. by friday night,  i was dying with these side effects and took some other medicine to help counteract it.

it seemed to work, as saturday i was only experiencing very minimal side effects. but, on sunday, i was back to being even worse. by 3pm, i was nauseous, dizzy, and having trouble breathing. yes, folks, this was hospital visit #3. in niagara this time. the hospital set me up with hydration IVs, took samples, and bloodwork. 4 hours later, a doctor was telling me to get off the antibiotics, that it looked like the UTI was clearing, and giving me a referral to a urologist.

i can only hope i'll see this specialist sooner rather than later, and that pain doesn't start to come back as i'm not on the antibiotics.

my only priority is to get better before i start my job search again.
but, should you see anything out there where i meet the qualifications, don't hesitate to get in touch.

repeat offender (my second toronto hospital visit)

remember that kidney infection from last month?

yep, so do i.

after i finished those antibiotics, i probably felt okay for about a week. and then i started noticing that i'd get sharp pains or cramps for like, a second, and then they'd go away. a few more weeks later, i was noticing that i was peeing more frequently, too. and it seemed as though i was falling into the symptoms i had last time.

this past saturday, i noticed that i was peeing an insane amount for only having a tea and a glass of juice in the morning. i decided that if it happened again on sunday, i'd go to the doctor. it didn't. what did happen on sunday was more sharp pains - consistent throughout the day and evening - that last for a second and go away. well, that's not normal.

my own room! fancy!

so, monday morning, i went to the doctor and did a urine sample, which came back positive for something and i had an abnormal white cell count. i was definitely fighting something. he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and told me to wait until the results, unless the symptoms got worse. monday evening, i went pee and my entire body decided to hurt pretty bad and continue to hurt all throughout the night. barely sleeping, i woke up the next morning and had a sick day. i got the prescription filled and started to feel a bit better after taking them.

wednesday morning, i took a pill and the pain and discomfort did not go away. i went into work, despite feeling ill. i called the clinic and asked if my results were back and they told me to come in again. i went to the doctor after work, but the culture sample the doctor wanted to see wasn't back yet. but, he said i had a high fever and when he touched my tummy, everything seemed very sore. so, he wrote me a note to be admitted to the emergency room at the hospital.. again.

big guns: IV antibiotics

wonderful! wednesday evening, around 7:30pm, i checked myself in. by 10:30pm, two doctors examined me and tried to figure out my problem. at about midnight, they came back and told me that they're going to order an ultrasound, do bloodwork, and put me on IV antibiotics. but that i'd get home.. "eventually". with this referral from the clinic, i had my own room and it was kind of quiet. i was in and out of sleep for most of the time. the IV antibiotics made me feel less pain and discomfort. at 3am, i saw another doctor who told me to keep taking the antibiotics i got from the clinic and to go home to rest. they scheduled me for an ultrasound again, this time at 2pm.

i got home around 4am and went to sleep. i awoke and felt better with only minimal pain. i went back for the ultrasound at 2pm, waited for results, only to find the exact same thing as the last ultrasound: nothing. zilch. everything's healthy and functional.

so, it's either another UTI/kidney infection and i have seriously bad luck (it's unusual since i haven't been with anyone in months & never had a UTI before this) or that the one from september just didn't go away completely.

uh. here's hoping the second round of antibiotics kicks it in the butt!

say this sooner

i think about things a lot.

no, i'm not talking about those girly thoughts, making up every worst case scenario based on whatever is currently happening; but just things in general. self-improvement. self-awareness. things i can do to make myself more happy and more content, if i'm truly the decider of my fate.

i think about what it would've been like if i didn't leave new zealand. i think about where i'd be if i hadn't participated in numerous dudes' infidelity. i think about how i would have felt if one of those had actually happened, rather than coming to my senses and realizing that it wasn't who i wanted to be. i think about where i'd be if i didn't move to toronto, if i didn't spend two years in grad school, and two years searching for a job. i just wonder how things could have turned out, sometimes, had i went with the other decision. even for minimal things.

and as a way for me to grow up and continue my own self-awareness, i'm going to share two things about me that i feel like people in my life should know, if they don't know already.

1) it's extremely difficult for me to "open up" 

if you've been following me along in this blog adventure for quite some time, you might notice that each post kind of dives a bit deeper into various topics. originally, this blog was intended to help me with my post-graduation job search and keep me busy out of boredom. i've always had a passion for writing and it keeps me sane. in more ways than one, this blog has been my outlet for whatever is bothering me and i'm continuously reminded that, once i finish a blog post, i immediately feel better about the issue at hand and (normally) come up with a plausible solution.

i can count on one hand, the amount of people i feel i've shared myself with. this is nobody's fault but my own. this has nothing to do with a trust issue. this has nothing to do with my social and friendly demeanor. this is just how i interact with people. if i'm not comfortable with a person, i'm not going to open up with them as much as i should. this part kills me every time - because i can read people extremely well. i know who i can be friends with, within about twenty seconds of meeting them. i know who will last and who won't. i'm quite aware of people who take advantage of my generous nature and disappear in my time of need.

not being able to open up makes it easier for me to have a "professional" side and a, for lack of a better term, an "amber" side. it's always been this way throughout my jobs. there's only been two times where both aspects of myself were combined in a job setting. and that's either because i grew close to someone while working or ended up secretly dating a coworker for nearly the entirety of the position. but - to put the latter into perspective - even though i was with that dude for over a year (despite hardships, resentment, and anger), i barely shared myself with him at all. and that's probably due to the fact that i knew he was wrong for me and we would never last. and also that he told me he loved me like two months into fucking.

let that be a lesson to any potential dudes out there: if you tell me you love me and i'm not ready for it (i, uh, never have been before and have never said it back.. to anyone), it's not going to go over very well. and those words are going to be stuck in my head forever. and you'll probably make me never want to hear them again.

but, if you really want me to share myself with you, i'll give it a shot. as long as i know what i see in you. i've got some crazy stories locked up that are pretty amazing.

2) i dream. a lot. 

before you ask, yes, i've likely had a dream of you and yes, at one point (or another) it was probably sexual. this happens a lot, with people i know and people i don't. i dream about everything and everyone i've ever met as well as those people i've never actually met yet.

if i do dream of you in a sexual way and remember it, it stays in my head for days, weeks, months, years.. depending on how good it was. and i might act a little strange around you for awhile. but not all of my dreams are sexual, i assure you. i dream about my teeth falling out, about having to go back to high school, missing deadlines, work stuff, people i care about getting hurt, and occasionally, me getting hurt. i've died in a dream once - or what i'm sure was meant to be me dying. i woke up immediately after i died. i dream about throwing up or other people throwing up around me and i wake up feeling extremely nauseous. a few days before my hospital visit for a kidney infection, i had a dream i went to the doctor and they told me i had a "self-inflicted STD" -- whatever that means. i guess i should listen to my dreams sometimes.

i dream about people i've never met but interacted with. these dreams are usually vivid and have strange things happening in them. i dream about twitter. i dream about texting. i dream about exes. i dream about potential dudes and exes getting into fights somehow. i dream about fucking my ex and 2 of his roommates (though, not together). i dream in colour. if i'm outside in a dream, there's normally snow on the ground. for months, i had a dream about one of my twitter followers of which i've never actually met. but i never told him about it because it would be weird.

although not nearly as bad as JD, my mind occasionally day dreams, too. this is usually when my mind wanders after a sexy dream i remembered and it's all i can think about for most of the next day. all those times where i've just stopped what i was doing and kind of gaze off and don't answer? yeah, believe me - i'm somewhere i don't ever want to come back from.

so, there you have it. i've shared two things and i'm content. this might be a new, ongoing blog post theme. because i can. and there's plenty more where that came from.

it's natural to be afraid

i would never complain about being single.

i'm convinced people who actually complain about being single are those who find themselves to be lonely. and that is something i am not.

in the last few weeks, i've had a couple of friends comment on how i have nothing going on and that it "doesn't seem like me". what they fail to realize is that, well, this is not news. i haven't had anything going on in quite some time and i've lost the motivation to do anything about it.

but, if we're being completely honest here: it doesn't bother me.

for those of you in relationships, let me remind you how terrible it is to be a single girl in a dating world:

1) dudes are fucking creepy - both online & offline
2) dating is hard work - "put yourself out there" uhhh, no thanks
3) making time to date is difficult
4) where do you pick up dudes? the bar? the subway? the street corner? (oh.. i can't.. those are women)
5) online dating is mostly just met with creeps and dudes who are seriously fucked up (yes, i'm also creepy and fucked up - but we'll get to that)

so.. yes. it's no wonder i don't have a lot going on right now. i troll creepy dudes online. i rarely meet cute dudes that i'm attracted to who aren't fucked up or there's something about them that i don't like. i don't have the time or the energy to go out every so often and try to take somebody home with me; i'm in bed most nights by 9pm because i'm a fucking old lady.

i just feel as though i lost a significant part of me - the part that used to be amazing with flirting with dudes/taking them home/making something happen. and i don't know if that's just disappearing because i'm growing up or because i'm preoccupied with other things. i've lost the ability to multi-task with a life, friends, and dudes. and that's probably for the best.

don't get me wrong, i haven't been completely "out of it" - there are a few very, low-key, nearly exciting dudes in my life that i see occasionally. but these are hardly worth mentioning to anyone since i'm barely getting involved as it is. and some that should probably be thrown away all together.

i'm okay with the way that things are, for now. i know there are some things i need to figure out before i can get involved with anyone. i know that eventually, i'll have to let my guard down and let somebody in. i know that someday, i'll have to function in a real relationship with someone i care about and actually share the majority of myself with them, which is something i already have trouble doing. i know that i'll meet someone who my friends approve of and consider him to be the best of the best, since my friends care about me that much. i know that i'll be with someone who can respect my boundaries and life choices, as those aren't going to change, despite what people might say and think. 

but until all of the above are understood, i'm content with my dude situation. however, there's always room for improvement.

complications of a medical nature

you might remember how i've been battling a kidney infection for about 2 weeks. it hasn't been fun, i can assure you.

after i missed 3 days of work in one week, went to work for one day, and then had my first vacation day - this week was a lot more difficult getting back into the swing of things. i took a vacation day on friday sept 13th to go home & do home things, like go to the dentist and get a haircut. i spent the entire weekend laying low and trying to get better.

i was trying to find the best way to take the pills they gave me but every time i tried to take them, i got really anxious/nervous because they were so awful. it's not like me to be this way when it comes to, well, anything. they couldn't be chewed. they couldn't be swallowed, even when cut in half. i tried to cut them into 4s but then they were jagged as fuck and not any easier. i smashed them up and put them into water/juice.. nope.. still tasted too awful. i couldn't win. at times, i was only taking half or 75% of a pill because the rest just wouldn't be allowed into my body. i figured this was better than not taking them, i suppose.

work this week was busy, as usual, and i did my best to keep up. that's when i noticed on wednesday when i got back to the office: my skin had broken out into a rash. i thought maybe it was just on my arms and hands. i thought i touched something on my way back from lunch and reacted to it. i noticed my face felt extremely hot and burnt. when i looked in the mirror, it looked like i had been on the beach for 9 hours. i was outside at lunch for maybe 10-15 minutes that day. something was up. i did what i could to hide the rash from my coworkers and finished out the day. when i got home, i noticed that the rash was all over my body but was only slightly itchy in parts. i've never had anything like this before, so i figured it would go away by the next day. looking at the side effects of the antibiotics, it said that i might experience red, blotchy patches and a sensitivity to sunlight - but to consult a doctor if it happens.

i woke up the next morning and it was still prominent. ugh. i sent an email to my boss and told him i'd be going to the walk in clinic. at 9am, i admitted myself to the walk-in clinic and waited for a doctor who told me that it's very common to have an allergic reaction to this type of antibiotics. what was uncommon was having an allergic reaction 9 days into antibiotics that last for 10 days. fuck you, body. so, she told me to take an allergy pill and it should go away. by saturday, it did.

okay, i've had enough of this "being sick" thing. can i go back to being healthy now?

my first toronto hospital experience

it's been a rough few days.

work had been so hectic last week. on friday, i wasn't sure what to do for lunch, so i went to a food court and picked up some chinese food to eat at my desk through lunch. it just so happened that HBC was promoting "free lunch fridays" and bought me my food. that was swell of them. i ate most of it pretty fast.

a few hours later, i was having intense stomach pain. oh good. the chinese food and my tummy are battling it out. i was not impressed. i left work early and came home to the next 4-5 hours of being seriously nauseous. i had food poisoning earlier in february, and that was not fun. plus, i had one other day in march i think, where i was so hungover all day & i didn't even drink that much.. but must have been the mix of wine & beer.

anyway, saturday, i still felt like crap. not overly nauseous but crappy enough. by sunday, i was starting to feel a little better but still had some minimal stomach pain. sunday night, the pain was so severe that i couldn't sleep and could barely move. yep, it was time to go to the hospital. at 2am, i left my place and hailed a taxi who took me so st. mike's. i was registered and waiting by 2:30am. by 3am, i was in a hospital bed and things were moving relatively quickly. they took some bloodwork, a urine sample, and i had a variety of doctors and nurses come by to check me out and see how i'm doing. they gave me some tylenol 3's for the pain and my in-and-out fever.

sometime after 5, the majority of the tests had come back and were all negative so they decided to keep me overnight for an ultrasound in the morning. i tried to get some rest as they stapled the guy's skull who was in the room next to me. that's something i could've done without hearing. at 6:30am. they moved me to a new room and a comfier bed where i was supposed to sleep because it was quieter, except it wasn't. at 8am, i was being prepped by a nurse for my ultrasound, and shortly after 9am, i had my first (and hopefully last) ultrasound.

fancy new IVs

i'll admit, i was really scared at this point. i was in a lot of pain, high on tylenol 3's, cold, anxious, nervous, nauseated, and not only was it my first time in a toronto hospital, but it was my first time in any hospital alone. prior to this was my case of appendicitis in 2008.. and man, have we come a long way in technological medical advances since then! for instance, the fancy new IVs? yeah, in 2008, i had to be hooked up to one of those wheely carts. now i could walk freely around!

by 10am, i was back in my hospital bed waiting patiently for my results. a new nurse came by and started talking to me. she told me i looked okay and that sometimes, it's nothing. i think she knew how scared and nervous i was. she really helped ease my fear. i was also sleepless at this point, so i'm sure that didn't help.

around 11am, a new doctor came to see me and told me that everything on the ultrasound was normal, healthy, & functional. but that my urine sample was positive for a bladder infection/kidney infection, so he'd put me on antibiotics for 10 days. i'm relieved.

what i had was something treatable! they gave me a pill, some water & juice, a cheese sandwich to eat, and my prescription, but didn't tell me i could leave. before i had even finished my sandwich, an orderly had come by to change my bed. uh, i guess i can leave then? i asked around to make sure.. and i did. maybe you should be clearer in your communication to me, rather than just handing me some stuff and leaving, without saying anything.

i noticed right away that the pill had taken the stomach pain away. i felt better for most of the day and took another pill before bed. on tuesday morning, i woke up and felt.. okay. not great. i took a pill and went about my getting ready for work routine. but when i got to work, i felt like absolute shit. i lasted 2 hours and came home to my back being super sore. i tried a couple of tylenol, but that didn't help and made me feel nauseous. i was in and out of fever & chills all afternoon. sometime after 6pm, i fell asleep and woke up after 8 feeling much better and less nauseous. i took another pill and went to bed, but didn't sleep that great.

instead of bothering to go to work today, when i woke up, i still felt like crap. i took a pill and felt better. i've been able to eat today and somehow managed to do laundry and clean the kitchen. but now i'm beat and feel a fever. it could also just be this heat. y'know, 43 degrees in september. it figures i'd be sick on the hottest days of the year.

i'm alive and stuff. for those of you who were with me through this entire wild ride, thanks! you definitely made my toronto hospital visit a better experience.

2 years of toronto livin'

today's the day that i've officially lived in toronto for 2 years. 2 years!

where did the time go?

i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.

and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.

this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.

i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!

here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!

ain't doing well, well, well, i am only doing just fine

for me, technology has a lifespan of about 4 years. at the end of january, my flip phone officially died. it was the end of an era. i had to switch over to a touch screen that i still hate.

on august 10th, my laptop, which i've also had for about 4 years, kicked the bucket. i knew it was coming since about january when i ran diagnostics with a friend and figured out that my hard drive was dying. but it was just one section. he told me to do a bunch of stuff which i never ended up doing because, well, i'm a procrastinator. what i did do was backup the majority of my files and important stuff manually that day, since my auto-backup would stop working as soon as it hit the bad sector. the problem was, i never updated all of my shit since then. so although i didn't lose too much (and most can be re-downloaded again), i did lose most of my schoolwork.

see, this would've been a bit of a problem to be without a laptop for a few days. but remember how i got a job? a real job? yeah, when i started that job on august 12th, i became the new owner of a work laptop. this tied me over until i received a new laptop on august 19th. life has a strange way of working out for me the past few weeks. i guess that makes up for just how shitty july was.

i have to admit that my first week of work was a bit overwhelming. there was so much to know, but so many perks of the job -- like playing xbox, friday beer hours, cakes & cupcakes for office birthdays, random snacks & food mostly every day, and so on. it's really a modern take on the whole office vibe. plus, it seems like a very laid back environment. i never once got the feeling of any hostility.. not like the metrolinx office (which still makes me cringe thinking about it!)

by the end of the second week and the completion of several projects, i was feeling more confident in my role, what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and my excel abilities. my confidence was reinforced when i was told i did an excellent job at the projects i finished. so, as of next week, they're throwing me into the deep end and letting me swim - i'm on my own for the most part. this is nearly 2 weeks earlier than they anticipated for the training process. my role now also includes a big project i get to design & deliver, as well as a deeper analysis portion in one of my weekly projects. i'm actually pretty excited for those parts of the job!

in other exciting news, i won tickets to riot fest this weekend, so i've got a busy two days. i won VIP tickets last year - but unfortunately, these aren't VIP. poop.

bring on the $9 PBRs!

maybe happiness is wealthy if you spell it right

in toronto, you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend, or an apartment.

yes, i just tweaked a quote from sex and the city. i'm a girl. get over it.

i've been lucky enough to have one of those for the last 2 years. and it's not a boyfriend. despite ongoing issues with my apartment and struggles to pay rent, i've always had a roof over my head. it's the other 2 i can't seem to get or keep.

that all changed thursday afternoon when i got the call.

a job offer. a real job offer with a legitimate company. with a salary. and benefits. and vacation. and experience. and all the things i've been trying to get since i finished my BA in april 2011.

so how did it happen?

i saw a  job posting on linkedin for a "digital analyst" position. i didn't understand most of the vague description but noticed that i met all of the requirements. without looking up where this company was located, i applied via linkedin. if you're not familiar with this linkedin process, you can apply to jobs simply by sending across your profile and, if you want, a resume and cover letter.

you might remember that i've done this before and got an interview out of it for something in my field. my hopes for that one were extremely high and it fell through when they hired someone internally and kept me on the hook for weeks. i figured that one was going to be my big break and it wasn't. i guess you could say that's when i became overly depressed about my ongoing job hunt.

i applied to this digital analyst position with just my profile and resume. when i looked up the location after i applied, i realized that they were just up the street from me. i gained optimism. i could walk to work! the next day, i was contacted by an intern from the company asking about my salary expectations and my anticipated start date. upon my response, i was contacted yet again for an interview later that week.

i was interviewed by two people who didn't give off many signs that they were too interested in me or my qualifications. one was the manager and other was the guy currently in the position i was after. it was a standard interview with no "scenario-based" questions but more of "can you do this and this" and "how well can you do this and this" and the nice part was knowing that i could do everything they asked. i tried out a few new interview techniques that i had read about and had been told to use by various people in my life. using these techniques let me see my interviewers' true intentions about me. i was convinced they were interested in me.

the next day after the interview, i received another email requesting a second interview and scheduling an excel test. a second interview! in all of my job searching, i've never had a second interview. i was stoked. i met with the director of the team i'd be working with. she, like the other people interviewing me, didn't give off that many signs that she was interested in me. she kept talking about how my skills would be valuable in the position, but i know i've heard that on several occasions from other potential employers before.

then came the excel test. they gave me an advanced test to work on and told me not to worry about it because it was a very difficult test, but all they had. i went into the test feeling confident. i had spent the entire weekend boning up on advanced excel tutorials and figured i knew my shit. well, according to that test, i didn't. so i threw on my poker face and took it one step at a time. you know, only freaking out in my head about why these fucking numbers weren't showing up in the spreadsheet and where the fuck did those errors come from and how the fuck am i supposed to calculate this when it's missing the actual numbers to make the formula with... and so on. i maybe got through 1/4 of the test before my time limit was up. i made it very clear to the HR person about how the test didn't really reflect my excel ability and laughed it off. she seemed impressed with me and how i handled the test. i left the company trying my best not to punch anything on the way back home.

i figured that was it. i was going to get a call saying i sucked so much at the test and i wasn't going to get the job. or worse, i'd just never hear from them again even with my following up. they had told me they were going to make a decision wednesday. by wednesday afternoon and no response, i followed up, on edge. i knew they had contacted my references and at least 2 of my references had responded with awesome things to say about me. a response from the intern said they were very close to making a decision, but wednesday came and went.

by thursday morning, i had basically wiped this job out of my head. i figured they went with someone else. a little later thursday morning, i get a call with the job offer. i was stunned. i didn't even know how to react. i decided i was just so numb when it came to the job hunt that i wasn't even sure how to talk to someone about accepting a potential job offer. i guess 2 years of continuous rejection will do that. she sent over a written offer and i'm waiting to sign it tuesday. i start on august 12. it's a full-time, 9-5 deal. the best news was when i found out the building my company is in is LEED certified. so at least there's a kind of indirect exposure to sustainability where i'm working.

i'm 2 for 3. i now have a job to pay my rent (which is going up in september) to keep a roof over my head. i imagine it'll take another 2  years of continuous rejection to get that boyfriend, right?

maybe i'm just tired

fuck you, july.

i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.

it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.

in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.

in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.

in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.

i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.

i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.

i couldn't lie to you if i tried

i recently stopped seeing someone.

and by recently, i mean that i haven't talked to him in like a month. but i mean, "seeing" someone is kind of a two-way street, yeah? i'm only going to get fed up when i text someone and never hear back anything -- so i just stop. and last night, after coming to this realization, i did the only humane thing: delete him from life. yep, outta my phone & outta my facebook. it was quick and painless.

i guess i didn't really invest anything into what we were doing. i rarely saw him. i wasn't thinking about him all the time. actually, it was hardly ever. friends would ask me about him and  i'd shrug... "i dunno, he's probably working." and, he probably was. he worked a lot. we never had endless text message conversations, and when we did, it was very out of character for him. or he'd stop abruptly and i wouldn't hear from him again for days.

he had a habit of bailing on me for.. uhm.. "legitimate" reasons. like work. or double booking. or being tired. or uh, nope.. i guess that was basically it. but you'd think that if he was going to a friend's birthday or something and that's the reason we can't hang out because he forgot, the reasonable thing would be to invite me along. i'd probably decline, but it's the invitation i wanted. that never happened.

i understand that we never saw each other enough to really know what we were doing. and it wasn't like i was looking for him to commit to me or anything. that didn't seem like anything either of us wanted. we got along. we went out a few times on dates and they were pretty great. the rest of the times were spent in, playing video games. and i wasn't opposed to that either. he was actually a world of firsts for me. things were always comfortable, sexual or not. we went out to movies and out for dinner -- 2 things i never really do unless i've been seeing the dude for quite some time. don't ask why. i don't have a reason. it's just how my dating patterns have turned out to be.

he wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public yet, i only met one person in his life. and that was because i met him at his work as he closed and the other employee was still there. and it seemed like this other employee knew a lot about me already, so he must have been talking about me to his coworker. he met my roommate and one other friend. but, like i said, he was always busy. if he wasn't working, or doing music stuff, or hanging out with friends (usually music & friends went together), he was with me. but i was so far down on his priority list that i was lucky to see him maybe 3-4 times a month. yet, when he walked me to a show one night and saw some of the dudes hanging around the entrance checking me out, he kissed me in front of them. they immediately understood.

it's like he had all the right intentions sometimes. and other times, not so much. so, with this being one of the strangest encounters i've had in awhile, it was easy to let it go. i knew i wasn't invested in it when i deleted him from life and wasn't upset about it. i was actually more upset at the fact that i could do something so heartless and not feel anything. but whatever. maybe i'm just growing up in the dating world.

prior to this dude was in october. oh god. yeah. that october dude was totally crazy. and i almost lost a friend over it. it ended sometime in november and then i never saw anyone until march -- the dude i just stopped seeing. it was... a long winter.

i've had about a year's worth of ridiculous encounters and dudes i'll never see again. and it's for the better. i'm being optimistic in that my next dude will be something i can actually enjoy for a significant period of time. and is someone i can see more than 3-4 times a month.

i'm not holding my breath. 

the one question i'm tired of hearing

here's a meme that's been going around for awhile

i first saw it sometime last year and it's been something i refer to ever since when someone asks me how my job hunt it going.

yes, i'm tired of hearing any variation of "how is your job search going?" because lately, it seems to be the only thing people are concerned about in my life.

half the time, i'm not even sure how to answer the question. what, you want me to tell you about the 15 jobs i applied to today? you want me to tell you about the two interviews i have lined up this week? you want me to say that i lied to a guy so i could get an interview (and ended up getting that interview? - so now i'm fucked).

sorry - when did my life only get interesting in my pursuit of a job? it's like an interview question. why is this the only thing people tend to ask my anymore? yes, i've taken school-mode amber and transformed her into job-searching amber, but that doesn't make me any different from what i used to be.

let's put it this way: if i want to talk to you about my job search, i will. i'll tell you every juicy detail about it, whether you're actually interested in hearing or not. but until that day comes, you're going to get a shitty response from me. especially as i approach my 31st interview this week and you can probably smell my desperation for a job two towns over.

i consider my job search to be just like what my school coursework was like. i'd give you a brief synopsis of what i'm working on -- "oh, it's a paper on (this) and it has to be (this many words)." so when you ask me and i say "i have an interview for (this place) doing (these things) and it's (related to my field/not related to my field)" -- that's all you're really going to get from now on. and if i don't have any interviews coming up, i'll tell you that. and i don't want to hear any words of optimism or any advice on how to do things, unless you're someone who's in my field and has been in the field for 5+ years.

it's simple: my job search is my own personal business.

besides, my love life is much more interesting to hear about.

just remember what's right for me, might be not right for you

ten days ago was the last time i applied to a job.

eight days ago was the last time i had an interview.

things could be better.

it's not that i've given up hope in my job search, it's just been ridiculously time consuming and draining on my enthusiasm for things that matter. in just over a year, from april 2012 to june 2013, i've had thirty different interviews. do you know how difficult it is to go in each time and pretty much say very similar answers to the same questions every employer asks?

the absolute worst is having interviews for shitty, minimum wage jobs that i know i'm capable of doing but technically now, i shouldn't even be getting interviews for them as i'm overqualified. beyond the absolute worst, is seeing masters/phd students in a similar field apply for the same jobs and beat me for them. i suppose they're "more qualified" than me, but sometimes, i'm not even so sure. my 3 degrees must mean something.

i've had 3 interviews related to my field so far.

1) water NGO 

i had an interview for the same position last year. i was stoked to get an interview again. it's a summer position, talking to people about water/lake issues on the toronto beaches and reporting on results. simple. something i'd be amazing doing because i enjoy talking to people, i'm great at managing a team to do stuff well, and i know my shit when i'm talking about something i'm interested and passionate about. she asked a lot of the same questions from last time. it was the same lady. she remembered me. it seemed to go well. she told me i was a strong candidate.

funny how "you're a strong candidate" turns into "let's re-post the job posting and not hire you." i don't think i'll apply again next year.

2) sustainable tourism 

here's a job i applied to through linkedin and actually heard a response. everything about this job was right up my alley. it integrated all 7 years of my education into one beautiful job. except for the fact that the interview was nearly an hour away and in the worst possible location ever. but the good news was that i'd only have to show up to that office once a week and the majority of the work would be done out of the downtown office, closer to me.

the interview itself lasted close to 2 hours. they had a lot of questions for me that showed them i knew what i was talking about. and i also had a fair amount of questions for them. before they even got to talking to me, the lady running the organization had offered to give me a ride home. of course, i took it. i was pretty stoked on that -- people aren't that nice and that's how i knew i was a strong candidate.

i followed up a few days later with the requested writing sample but didn't have the email address of the lady who gave me the ride home, so i sent it to the HR manager (the one who i had been in contact with and who was the second person interviewing me). i expected at least a "thanks" response but didn't get it. so, after a few more days, i sent another follow up email to the lady who gave me the ride home through the organization's general email and received a response the next day, thanking me for the sample and that they're still doing interviews.

they're hoping to make a decision "within the next two weeks" - so cross your fingers, because i am.

3) project coordinator 

this is the first time i had an interview for a project coordinator role. i refreshed my memory of a number of project management related tools and techniques so that i was well versed in the language, should they ask. and oh boy, did they ever. i was interviewed by 4 people at a small research firm. one older dude who reminded me of my terrible professor from last semester by being a dick. this guy was basically poking at me to see how opinionated i could get and what my reaction would be with him being an ignorant, aggressive prick.

the good thing was how i've never been one to "lash out" so to speak when someone talks shit about something i do or something i'm passionate about. i'll correct people when necessary. i'll give an opinion, when necessary. but these all have boundaries and limits. and i know how to stay within them -- even though they might not. i think i handled it pretty well.

they told me they had a shortlist of preferred, strong candidates they were interviewing - about 4 or 5. so i guess that's a plus. they were hoping to have a decision made sometime next week. it'd be nice to get this one, too.

my lack of motivation for applying to jobs is mostly caused by my anticipation to receive job offers from the sustainable tourism place or the research firm. and also that there hasn't been too much worth going after.

plus, i've got nxne to worry about this week. priorities.

remember me as a time of day

my latest interview got me thinking about how people get to where they are in a current state. for instance, this lady interviewing me was one of the few people i've met who's in a project coordination role and doesn't have her PMP (project management professional certification). if anything, it gave me hope for the future of not needing to get a PMP designation.

the interview also let me think about the question "so tell me a bit about yourself" and the next 3 minutes out of my mouth are about the last 7 years of my life that i spent in school. but, there was also a social aspect to that which i failed to mention. it's not quite meant for an answer to an interview question, but i haven't poured my little heart out in a blog post about relationships for awhile.

here's 3 sort of interesting dude stories from my teenage years that have changed me. and really haven't changed the way i think about dudes.

oh, and these are all real names. because i remember names and not faces. and hell, if any of them actually read this (but i haven't talked to them since i was a teenager), i want them to know it's me and they were.. well.. them. 

1) "andrew"

i met andrew one summer in line at warped tour. i was maybe 14 or 15. he was this tall, skinny dude from the GTA. either me or the friends i was with in line started talking to him and his friends. eventually, i ended up getting separated from my friends and ended up hanging out with andrew. he didn't say a whole lot to me in line and i'm pretty sure i spent more time talking to his friends instead. when gates opened for warped tour, i waited around for my friends but couldn't find them, so i went off with andrew and his friends.

i had a set of bands i wanted to see and told andrew. apparently, the ones he wanted to see weren't on until later, so he accompanied me to see a bunch of my bands. i remember thinking that he was kinda neat but i wasn't sure if he just wanted to hear some music. we hang out watching my bands for a few hours and then head back over to the main stages to see one of his. he says he's tired and sits down on the grass. a couple of his friends pass us by and stop to say hey. suddenly, he grabs me and makes me sit on his lap. uhm, okay. that was unexpected. his friends mention that we're missing stuff happening on stage. he says something along the lines of that he doesn't care.

cool, so this dude wants to cuddle. or something. i'm confused but just go with it anyway. his friends leave and we're just sitting on the grass, me on top of him. we don't say anything for awhile. the more i sit on him, the more i realize that this dude is way too skinny and he's super uncomfortable to sit on. so i made a break for it and stood up. a few seconds later, i see one of my friends in the crowd and she sees me. she walks over to me with this gnarly looking tattooed dude. they talk to me for a second and then start making out in front of andrew and i.

i look away and look at andrew, who's also looking away from me. he looks back at me, smirks, and pulls me closer to him. i didn't know what to do so i just kissed him. it was weird. he kept holding onto me but didn't try to kiss me again. i'm confused. i let it be. after the band ends, he says he saw one of his friends leaving in the crowd and was gonna go see them. i told him that was cool and i'd be waiting there because a band i wanted to see was the next band on stage. he says he'll come find me in a bit.

never saw him again. no idea if he was serious about coming back to find me or if he just couldn't find me. we didn't exchange numbers or emails or myspaces or anything. not even last names. it's possible that the kiss was just so bad he didn't want anything more to do with me. hell, at that age, i had barely kissed anyone. or maybe he just wanted to cuddle me and hold me. i don't know. i didn't really care. the whole ordeal left me feeling weird and it took me a long time to make a first move on a dude again after that.

2) "evan" 

evan was a friend of my brother's. when i started grade 9, he was in grade 12. he was the muscley, bro, football player and someone i wasn't sure why my brother was friends with, considering my brother was and still is this small, skinny, quiet boy. even in grade 9, the "bro" and "football player" were not my type. i'm about as surprised as you are from this story.

several of my brother's friends seemed to be obsessed with me and i don't know why. it was an ongoing occurrence and i was one of the few niners that seemed to know almost every grade 12 in high school. evan and i had our strange encounters throughout the year but nothing that interesting to mention until one day, he stopped me in the hall and asked to take me out. wait, this bro wants to go on a date? hey now, i've seen a lot of movies -- i know how this ends up. i'll be honest, i wasn't nearly as cute as i am now. but come on, i was 14. i didn't know any better. but i never took him up on his offer.

at the end of the year, we get yearbooks and i see him by himself one day in the hall. i get him to sign my yearbook, which reads something along the lines of "it was great knowing you but i only have one regret: that i never got to take you out." he may have signed his number, i can't remember. so, what the fuck?

you'd think the story ends there. but it doesn't.

that summer, a friend and i are going through yearbooks and she tells me that she knows evan's sister. the thing was, i also knew evan's sister. but the sister didn't know i was interested in her brother. my friend tells me to add his first name, last name on MSN and see what happens. so i did. low and behold, it worked. we end up talking for most of the summer and into the beginning of the next school year when he started college. i felt so young and naive now that i was crushing on a dude in college. then, in another significant turn of events, i make friends with a girl in class who says that evan is her next door neighbour.

and because i was super creepy back then (and maybe i still am, but that's up to your judgement), i kept making excuses to hang out with that girl. or be around in that general area. one night in november, i'm walking by his house with some friends and his car is in the driveway. and for some reason, we go knock on the door. he's home. this is weird. he invites us in and we sit around watching tv in his basement. evan gets me to sit on his lap. uhm, okay. we watch tv some more and then leave shortly after. i hug evan goodbye and then he kisses me out of nowhere. one kiss. i should've known better.

man, i was hooked. i never saw him again but he got me good. i tried talking to him every day. i pretty much emailed him every other day talking about stupid things in my life and occasionally he'd reply. seriously, i hate myself for being that needy and ridiculous. but i was 14. i didn't know any better. eventually, he stopped replying and i cried for days. i guess i had hoped that i'd be kissed again. i wish i could just go back in time and slap 14 year old amber in her face sometimes.

3) "stewie"/"matt"

preface: i grew up in a small, tourist town that was a booming beach in the summertime. my summer hobby was walking around to various campsites and cottages to make new friends and get given free beer to drink for something to do from these tourists. in exchange for beer, we would regale these tourists with stories about how terrible the town is and/or makeout with those dudes that gave us beer. keep this in mind as you read on. 
 
you may have noticed that this dude has 2 names. it's because i couldn't actually figure out what his name was, but he answered to both. this story is probably the best dude story i have from my teenage years and he still crosses my mind a decade later.

i met stewie one summer during wakestock. i was 15. a friend and i started talking to a group of tall, muscley, surfer-esque dudes after one of the wakestock concerts. several of them were cute looking and i took to one of them immediately. the one with some kind of a tribal tattoo and "stewie" tatooed on his arm. one of the other dudes in the group asked my friend how old she was and she told them she was 16. this kind of put off some of the dudes because they were older. now, you see, this particular summer was different. normally, if someone had asked my age, i would've told them that i was 15. but my friend and i had decided to try something new and said that if anyone asked, i was 18 years old. i know. it's cruel and i'm setting myself up for trouble. so when stewie asked how old i was and i told him i was 18, he smirked. he then told me he was 23. yes, okay, i've always had a love affair with older dudes and this was no different.

once pleasantries and ages were discussed, we moved onto plans for what to do. the group of dudes were staying at an awful campsite, so my friend invited them all back to her place. we drink heavily through drinking games and have a rad time. as night rolls around, a bunch of us travel back to the beach and shops. stewie and i walk into one of the tattoo shops. we're both drunk as fuck. he offers to buy me a tattoo. being local, i knew every tattoo artist in the shop and all of them were looking at me wondering where i had picked up this drunk dude. stewie and i stand there looking at the wall of tattoos to choose from and he's convinced we're both getting matching frog tattoos. luckily, a tattoo artist came over to us and said they don't tattoo intoxicated people, like us. thinking stewie was actually going to be super pissed, i braced myself for some kinda mouthy backlash. instead, he shrugs and says something along the lines of "yeah, this probably isn't a good idea" and walks out of the shop. cute AND chill? jackpot.

we head back to my friend's place and watch a movie where stewie and i makeout for a bit and fall asleep cuddling. at like 5am, my friend is waking us up to get the dudes out of her place before he parents come home. haha. i share a kiss with stewie and exchange numbers/emails even though i had basically assumed i would never see him again because he lived out in buttfuck nowhere and i had lied to him about my age but had yet to tell him about that.

maybe a week goes by and i don't hear from him. again, a shot in the dark, i send him an email with my number and MSN again. almost immediately, he responds and we talk on and off for the rest of the summer. he calls my house many times just to chat and tell me his crazy party stories, like how he was at some party and next to the toilet was this giant hunting gun or something. the more i talked to him, the more i felt bad about lying to him because here was this great dude who called me a few times a week and wanted to get together again even though he lived far away from me.

school starts up again in september and we're still talking on and off. i believe he had a job of some sort where he lived but he was travelling a lot for it. it had been a few months now since we had been talking and my 16th birthday was coming up. i wanted to invite him to the party i was having for it but i didn't know how. and i felt bad.

about a week before my birthday, he's chatting to me on msn. i think in my msn name it said that my birthday was soon or i had mentioned to him before that i had an october birthday. so he started talking to me about it. he asked if i was going to be 19. i told him i wasn't going to be 19. then he asked if i was going to be 18. i uh, told him no. then he asked if i was going to be 17. and i uh, once again, had to tell him no. after many minutes of silence on both our parts, i told him i was going to be 16 years old.

and that was the end of that. he went offline and i never heard from him again. believe me, i feel terrible because y'know, making out with a 15 year old when you're 23 (turning 24 a couple weeks later from the makeout day) isn't the best thing. and i'm truly sorry for lying to him and keeping it from him for so long. it just sorta sucks since we got along so well with the age difference. maybe i was just mature. who knows. but i find it hard to believe that he believed that i was 18 when i'm nearly 25 now and still get ID'ed for booze most places. and when i was 15.. i looked 15. there was no question about it.

the hilarity of my life never ceases to amaze me. and it continues to amaze me as time goes on.

honours distinction & a vacation

ladies and gentelemen,

i've been recommended for graduation with honours distinction in green business management!

what a good way to end off my "last" year of school. i say last because, well, someday, i'm going to do a masters. i just have no idea when. or in what. sustainable leadership at guelph comes to mind. but.. that's far in the distance.

now onto things that matter: the job hunt.

i had a few interviews before i left for vegas oh right, i went to vegas. i'll talk about that in a bit.

1) an in-person interview with a publishing company for an administrative internship for 2 months, full time. it paid. not much, but it was money. i didn't get it.

2) a phone interview for a data analyst position at a research firm. full time. it paid. not an internship. this was a real job. i blew the phone interview, like, hard. and they still wanted to meet me (score!) so yeah, that happened.

3) another phone interview for a hotel for something i'm not even sure what it was but they called it an internship. this fell through immediately since they were looking for someone that needed a co-op. well, fuck. list that in your job posting! ass.

4) lastly, was a phone interview for summer receptionist place at a specialist organization. it was your standard, full time, summer, minimum wage crap. whatever. i didn't get it.

i had the in-person interview for the data analyst position today and things were going ridiculously well until they told me that they weren't hiring right away and probably wouldn't hire someone new until the fall. well, fuck. why even bother putting up a job posting and pressing for interviews if you're not gonna hire until 4 months from now? god damn. i don't get it. maybe that's just their way of politely telling me to fuck off. it seemed like something i'd be pretty rad at, too. ugh.

did i mention before that i had an interview with a tour guiding place? yeah, that was a weird one. they only paid minimum wage. i never heard from them but it's my own fault for not following up. i honestly just didn't give a fuck. i'm worth more than minimum wage. and even though i highly enjoy tour guiding/customer service crap, i wasn't good enough. hey yeah, fuck you too.

this wasn't meant to sound as negative as it does. but this is my life for the next well.. forever. until i get a job. there's a shred of optimism left. i'll make it through.

i applied to ten other jobs today. i start training for the temporary conference job tomorrow and have 18 hours of work over 2 days. so, i make some money. plus getting paid for 5 hours of training. it's all minimum wage, but i don't care. it's easy and it's fun. i'm happy they hired me on. 7:30am start time sorta sucks though.

oh right, vegas! 

maybe i mentioned this before. maybe i didn't. my family booked tickets back in january for 5 days in vegas. it was pretty cool. highlights include seeing lots of stuff, doing lots of stuff, and eating lots of stuff.

monday: got to the airport at like 6:30am for an 8am flight (ughsdklhskjlgasd) and flew to vegas. checked in at the hotel vdara and went somewhere on the strip for lunch. walked around for awhile trying to figure stuff out. maybe went to the pool? i don't know. we passed out early. saw the fountains at the bellagio.

tuesday: walked up and down the strip looking at various casinos, hotels, and things. gambled on the blue jays losing against the orioles and won a shit ton of money. thank you, jays, for losing. had afternoon beers with my brother at a sports bar and watched the game. went to a world famous expensive sushi restaurant for dinner (nobu) but felt like absolute crap. ate anyway but couldn't enjoy it until nearing the end. would go again but it's fucking expensive. amazing sushi though. had an early night after 'cause i still felt like crap.

wednesday: left the strip and went to red rock canyon. did the tour. went to the red rock canyon indoor climbing gym and spent the afternoon there. i didn't want to leave. it was just amazing rock climbing and gorgeous tattooed dudes with muscles and beards everywhere. heaven. went to the stratosphere and walked around there a bit. was going to have dinner in the revolving restaurant but didn't; too expensive. had happy hour in the lounge instead. walked down that end of the strip a bit and went to circus circus amongst other places. then headed back to vdara and an amazing takeout manadarin chicken salad. passed out shortly after.

thursday: went to check out fremont street. walked around there. tried to go to insert coins but it was closed. had lunch at the patio place next to it. came back to the hotel for a nap and a change. headed out for an early dinner and then saw cirque du soleil's love. great show. went to a pizza place in the casino after. stayed out a bit and saw the strip at night and a couple of the hourly shows on the strip. then back to the hotel.

friday: slept in, packed up all our shit, and checked out of the hotel. gambled away the last of my money before heading to the airport and flying back to buffalo and hanging out in niagara for 2 days. got back to toronto monday morning.

didn't get to experience a whole lot of nightlife, but still a neat place. got a lot of weird stories to tell friends about the trip that maybe aren't exactly meant for a blog post.

las vegas: complete

feedback

as a culminating paper for a class this semester, i had to write as many words as i wanted on the program, courses, and internship component.

and now, for your reading pleasure, i present to you:

a review of the last 8 months of my life just shy of 4,000 words.

note: names have been changed.

This feedback paper reviews each semester followed by comments on how the semester should have been structured from my perspective and where the program needs to improve. The internship placement is reviewed and how the course material can be applied to the internship and future endeavours in the sustainability industry. The paper concludes how the internship placement should be carried out next year to set the Green Business Management program apart from other environmental and sustainability post-graduate programs.

Semester One

In the first semester, the program requires students to take five courses: an introduction to sustainability, development theory, eco-productivity, corporate social responsibility, and green marketing. I began the program with optimism for interesting course material, great teaching styles, and a working internship placement.

GBM702: Sustainable Development: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Dr. Naveed taught this course. The format of the course was no different than any other; two “debates”, a midterm, and a case study presentation. We had readings most weeks that rarely anyone completed – and we were honest about not reading them. I graduated with an Honours Bachelor of Arts degree in Tourism and Environment which focused on sustainability for four years and also graduated from a Graduate Certificate in Project Management – Environmental. I was well immersed in the sustainability concept but was still required to take the course.

I expected that admissions would accurately judge the backgrounds of the students entering into the program and place them into the courses which made sense, rather than placing those with an environmental education into an introductory course. I couldn’t understand the logic behind this, especially when the professor teaching openly admitted to not having much of a background in sustainability. However, it was too late into the semester when I was told that I likely could have been exempt from the course for “advanced standing.”

Many of us purchased two expensive textbooks for the course. One textbook was used for the assignments and the other textbook was used one time for a reading then tossed aside. Dr. Naveed was adamant that we would use the textbook again, but we never did. A positive to the course was a guest speaker from the Marketing department at Steam Whistle Brewing who explained the organization’s sustainability initiatives that help to reduce costs and waste. A skill I can take away from this course and apply to the internship at The Globe and Mail is public speaking through the debates and case study presentations.

GBM701: Development Theory and Sustainability Models

Jim ran this course exceptionally well. Although there was very little “teaching” involved, Jim offered a format for the course and feedback when needed. We had summaries of learning material due every week that allowed for reflection on a different level, from both what Jim had taught or through the guest speaker’s material. The majority of the course was structured through self-learning around broad topics that let the students decide the direction of the topic, whether in teams or individually.  The course was split into two sections – a group paper and presentation and an individual paper and presentation.

Jim’s vast network of industry leaders was helpful in the learning process and in the internship search for a few of us who were in need of a placement. We were able to see real people in the sustainability industry making change happen, as well as job positions and openings in these organizations. Although I am unsure if Jim taught other post-graduate classes previously, his initial 8,000 word individual paper as a final project for the course during exam week was not the best idea. Many of us struggled with the grading of the course, even when the paper was reduced to 5,000 words. Several classmates expressed that they had never written a paper of that length and with the amount of workload from the remaining courses during that time period, 5,000 words was a definite setback.

The addition of Bob Willard to guest lecture an entire class was a nice treat and I have been using his theories as the basis for many of my projects throughout the year, both in The New Sustainability Advantage and The Sustainability Champion’s Guidebook. Again, despite Jim’s best efforts, the take away from this course relevant to The Globe and Mail is enhancing public speaking skills and the ability to network with industry professionals. The research involved with the two papers is indirectly applicable to The Globe and Mail but could be utilized on the Green Team for research on waste and recycling initiatives. “Development Theories & Sustainability Models” is a course name that needs to be modified. Since the course was self-directed, Jim taught a very limited amount of theories and models – such as systems and structures governing – but made attempts to reiterate these concepts at every chance.

GBM701 Eco-productivity in the Workplace I

This was the pre-requisite of two courses taught by Brett, one in the first semester and one in the second semester. Brett discussed the concepts of the 7 green wastes and demonstrated how to give sustainability a monetary value in order to receive attention from organizations and CEOs. I found this course to be the most valuable to me, as previously I had never viewed sustainability theory in a business sense for reducing costs and maximizing profits. This course would have been more valuable if my internship components didn’t fall through and I was able to use information from the organizations for the assignments, rather than Brett’s assigned case studies.

Brett’s classes were an open dialogue of ideas and discussion. His assignments placed value on effectiveness in time management, reporting, researching, presentation skills, and PowerPoint presentations. The midterm and final assignments in the course could be directly applied to The Globe and Mail’s operations in their current state of green waste and the future state to demonstrate solutions of where the organization could reduce costs to increase profit using sustainability initiatives.

GBM704: Corporate Social Responsibility and Business Ethics

Bob's course on Corporate Social Responsibility was an interesting concept with the end goal of the course to complete a CSR report for your partner company. This would have been a great opportunity and project to undertake if each student in the program had a working internship by the time the final project was completed. Unfortunately, this didn’t happen and several students, including myself, were forced to complete a case study CSR report or team up with other students with their partner company. This course would have been more effective if there were deadlines for each section of the CSR report, rather than the finished report amounting to 80% of the final grade in the course.

Bob stated that there isn’t one company in the world that is ISO26000 compliant and that made me wonder why the course is being offered in the Green Business Management program if no organization is interested in using ISO26000 certified CSR reports. I’m sure that this course will be an addition to my resume – to say that I can complete an ISO26000 certified CSR report, if necessary. However, since I did not have my internship set up by the end of the course, I was unable to use data related to The Globe and Mail. The information in the CSR report is something The Globe and Mail could have used for their organization’s current state. We are also still waiting on the grades from this course to ensure we can graduate from the program. Spending an entire semester on a course where the final project is worth 80% of the grade and not knowing whether you have passed the course can lead to a few anxious students hoping to graduate in April 2013.

GBM802: Green Marketing and Consumerism

Margaret was the professor of this course. GBM802 had a good concept and a solid textbook which made up for lectures that were a bit vague at times. The course was to use internships to overlap projects and assignments, making an attempt to gain more experience and real-world application with the courses and internship placements. The first paper was based entirely on the internship company for the year. The remaining assignments were meant to do the same, except when internships fell through and I, once again, was required to partner up with a colleague to complete the projects.

This course covered a variety of topics in marketing and business that could be useful for The Globe and Mail or other organizations who desire a sustainable marketing plan – which I can now complete for them. I found the course to be interesting but when classes are back to back in a two and a half to three hour span (nearly totalling six hours of straight class), minds tend to wander and the focus is no longer present. This course will be a stepping stone to help me begin an entry-level career in sustainable marketing activities if I’d like to go into that job direction.

Conclusion of Semester One

The underlying notion of the Green Business Management program emphasized a working internship where students could gain real world experience in the sustainability industry at various partner companies. When internships fail due to administrative errors or communication breakdowns, students are at a loss at what to do and continue the program missing out on opportunities in applying internship data to projects and assignments.

If the program coordinator is to place students at companies accordingly, the program coordinator should ensure that those company supervisors are aware of every detail of the internship, including the schedule (one day a week), the student’s workload in other courses, the student’s knowledge of sustainability, the student’s prior work and education experience, and what the student is to gain from interning at the company. The internship company should also let the program coordinator and student know exactly what the projects will be to complete, specific timeframes for completion of projects, and demonstrate flexibility and empathy with the student, as the internship is a learning opportunity.

Each professor in the first semester had a different way of teaching; some taught from textbooks, some taught very little, some had specific formats and page lengths for assignments, and some had minimal project specifics. Each professor also had a different policy for submitting assignments in hard-copy or soft-copy format. In a sustainability program, one would assume that nearly every assignment submission would be via email or Blackboard. Unfortunately, this did not happen as much as I would have liked.

What each of the professors had in common was the end of semester workload, which sent most students into a sleep deprived state for about two weeks. Seeing as how Green Business Management is a part of the Faculty of Business at Seneca College, one would assume that professors have a better understanding of time management. This would not the case. A balanced workload throughout the semester for each course would have been extremely beneficial for both students and professors.

Relating to time management is the horrible scheduling of first semester. Seneca College is a commuter school and students in the program commute many hours in order to get to class. This was extremely tough at times for those who lived far away from campus and had to deal with traffic and bad weather to arrive on time for an 8am class, and only one class for that day. I would have preferred a schedule with several classes in a day (just not back-to-back scheduling) to maximize the time at which I am commuting and on campus. Several classes in a day forces students to get to know each other outside of a classroom setting which allows the program to bond, growing as a group together. I felt GBM did not develop to its full potential until late in the semester due to these scheduling conflicts.

The program should have scheduled a feedback focus group in the first semester. This way, key professors and colleagues would be aware of the program’s faults and where they cold improve for the second semester. This would also give students a chance to speak their minds critically about the program as a whole and offer solutions to challenges faced throughout the first semester.

Semester Two

In the second semester, I was enrolled in the second eco-productivity course, sustainable leadership, ecopreneurship, and sustainable business plan. I was exempt for “advanced standing” in Margaret’s second course, GBM703: Sustainable Management.

GBM800: Eco-productivity in the Workplace II

Brett’s second course has been, so far, structured about the same as his first course. It continues to place monetary value on sustainability and includes more calculations for a carbon footprint, part of one of the projects I’m working on at The Globe and Mail. Finally, I’m able to use information from my partner company in the assignments for the second semester, upon starting at The Globe and Mail in January 2013. The Globe and Mail can benefit from these projects to reduce waste and improve profits.

Brett incorporated a few guest speakers this semester, including Bob Willard and employees from the Ministry of Environment. Originally, there was a discussion earlier on in the semester about a “field trip” to Evergreen Brickworks. However, I think due to inclement weather, holidays, course material, and scheduling conflicts, the field trip is not happening. This is unfortunate as I think hands-on learning and out-of-the-classroom learning is a great way to gain experience in the sustainability industry. Brett also talked about writing the GHG emissions exam to become GHG certified – something that would set the program apart from other environmental and sustainability post-graduate programs. I don’t think that went ahead either. I think the certification is a great idea and hope that it can be part of the curriculum for next year’s students.

GBM801: Sustainable Leadership

This course was the best course of the entire program, taught by Michael. The open dialogue and discussion format of the course worked so well. The readings every week were interesting and relevant to the course material. I believe that self-awareness is critical to success and that Michael demonstrated this through his lectures and assignments.

The course gave the opportunity to connect our placement companies through every reading, assignment, and discussion – and by the second semester, each student had a working placement until April. Reflecting each week on my internship placement organization kept me grounded in the projects I’m working on at The Globe and Mail. Reviewing the employees and culture at The Globe and Mail and my experiences as an intern to the readings in the course was an excellent way to learn about leadership styles.

GBM803: Ecopreneurship

Peter openly announced to the program that he has very little background in sustainability, yet is teaching an entrepreneurship course that focuses on sustainability. The main project is a semester-long fake sustainable business from inception to implementation to pitch and beyond. I imagine this would be a better course suited to actual business or entrepreneurial students rather than Green Business Management. It is not in my plan to begin my own business even though the group project has both negative and positive aspects to it.

Submitting a business plan on the fake business meant that two business plans were to be submitted for two different courses with two different professors and each professor not wanting the same format or layout. The business plans were also submitted following each other in two weeks. This made it difficult to understand what parts were actually required in writing a business plan.

Following the 40+ page hard copy business plan was the implementation plan: a 100+ page hard copy document of every government, bank, and marketing form a business needs to start. This did not go over well with Green Business Management students. The final project is a marketing blog, virtual trade show, and “Dragon’s Den” type pitch to “investors.” I’m looking forward to the pitch as what I’ve learned from the entire program so far is that sustainability is all about selling yourself and what you plan to do for the organization so that they buy-in. I enjoy my fake business idea and hope that one of the investors will buy into it as much as I have throughout the semester. However, the only take away from this course is the pitch – since pitching ideas and proposals to The Globe and Mail is important for success and employee buy-in.

The name of the course “Ecopreneurship” needs to change. Whoever designed the courses and course names needs to understand that putting “eco,” “green,” or “sustainable” in front of a course name doesn’t make it a “sustainable” course. Call it what it is – entrepreneurship. Not every course name needs to reiterate sustainability if the program and underlying concepts of each of the courses are actually about sustainability.

Peter helped students with their cover letters and resumes. He brought a different perspective into the course by utilizing networking, social media, and technology. He offered insightful tips for job interviews, as well as new social media websites that are on the rise. I’ve never had a professor so technologically and social media oriented, so that was a nice change.

GBM804: Sustainability Business Plan  

As previously mentioned, this business plan was entirely different compared to Peter's business plan. Michael's version was to keep it short and simple – the shorter, the better. I think the idea of the course was to stress proposals to organizations for sustainability initiatives, but I doubt that if I were to contact The Globe and Mail and/or The Globe and Mail’s Green Team outside of being a student intern at the organization, a proposal presentation would not go over very well.

The course didn’t have much “teaching” and was possibly meant to be self-directed. Class time was never used appropriately. I believe the course has potential to be an excellent addition to the program curriculum if it is taught by a professor in the sustainability industry with a background in writing business plans. At least, this new professor may be able to offer a sustainable business plan template for the internship placements (even though there are too many to choose from). Again, this course suffers from awful course naming, as there was very little “sustainability” involved in the course. I like the idea of the capstone paper and I hope it offers insight into where the program needs to be improved in future years.

Conclusion of Semester Two

Semester two experienced many of the similar problems as Semester One. Class scheduling was still terrible. Commuting to campus for early 8am classes was now Tuesday to Friday and dealing with the winter weather did not help. Classes for me were once a day for almost three hours. This meant I was commuting two hours a day for three hours of class. Professors with little to no interest or background in sustainability were teaching courses in the program. Course names were misunderstood and confusing. Professors continued to want hard-copy and/or soft-copy versions of projects and assignments. Professors had terrible time management and piled on the workload once again in the last two weeks of the semester, rather than trying to balance the coursework over the semester. Many of these problems could have been avoided with a simple feedback session at the end of the first semester.

Most of what I’ve learned during both semesters can be applied to the job title I’m hoping to get in the future as a sustainability project manager. Brett’s courses will be extremely valuable to selling sustainability to organizations and Michael's leadership course will help me continue to develop as a great manager and leader in the long and short term. Working on business plans and carbon footprint reporting at The Globe and Mail will add to my resume list of tasks I can complete for any organization, as well as sustainable marketing plans, ISO26000 certified corporate social responsibility reports. Every course enhanced my presentation and public speaking skills which are valuable for my future endeavours in the sustainability industry.

Internship Placement

In the beginning of the program, I had an internship placement set up at Metrolinx. I was happy and excited to start at the placement with a partner classmate. Eventually, there was a communication breakdown between the Metrolinx supervisor, the program coordinator, my partner, and myself. What Metrolinx was asking for and what my program coordinator was asking for were always two different tasks. By the third discussion with Metrolinx and first on-site internship day, it was impossible to understand exactly what the organization wanted and how we were supposed to carry out what they wanted, since we were just beginning the program. My partner and I were overwhelmed with Metrolinx and decided to end the internship.

This sent the two of us scrambling for another internship and left to our own devices to find a suitable placement. After weeks of searching for a placement and continuing to come up empty handed, I was thrown into The Globe and Mail as a second intern. However, by this time it was nearing the end of the first semester and I didn’t actually start the placement until January 2013.

I believe that many of us in the program enrolled in the program to gain first hand, real world work experience as part of the internship. Several internship placements failed during the semester for one reason or another and left students without a working placement for weeks or an entire semester. Some internship companies were located extremely far away for students. These internships were picked by the program coordinator – students were unable to choose their placement unless the one chosen placement for that student had failed.

Since the internship placements play such a large role in the program, they should be set up and confirmed immediately within the first month of the program. The placements should be required to know exactly what it is they are getting into upon signing up with the program. Instead of spending one day a week at the placement, students should be able to spend two or three days a week on-site at the internship, with the rest of the time during the week devoted to class. One day a week at a large or small organization does not work well for productivity and students do not gain any insight into the company’s environment and culture.

All placements should be located within the TTC and GO Transit lines to be accessible for all students inside and outside of the Greater Toronto Area. This is especially important for students who do not drive and their only means of transportation is by public transit. Students should have the ability to choose their own placement and ensure that the placement is somewhere the student wants to intern. The companies should allow students to work on environmental and sustainability projects that relate to the program. The placements should also be flexible in providing data and information for course-related projects and assignments, if possible, to enhance the learning experience.

Alternatively, I believe the internship placement could be modified entirely. I would change the internship to be extended throughout the year. The internship could remain as one day a week at a placement, followed by a full-time summer (paid) employment at the company for 3-4 months. I think this is the best route and would set the program apart from all similar post-graduate programs at universities and colleges. This would also help many students secure entry-level positions directly after the program is completed.