maybe i'm just tired

fuck you, july.

i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.

it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.

in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.

in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.

in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.

i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.

i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.

sometimes, i forget

hi!

contrary to popular belief, this blog (and i) still exist. i've just been busy. and lazy. mostly just lazy. whatever. here's what's up:

1. progressed onto second semester of year 2 grad school 
yes, i passed first semester with honours grades. i don't know how, but i'm pretty happy about that. in exam week, i had to write 4 papers. that sucked. but i managed to get through it. i could review the semester but i just don't see the point. the semester fucking sucked. it was terrible beyond words, except for 2 classes and 2 profs. making friends with my program classmates was exciting, though. i guess that's sort of why i didn't want to drop the program entirely since everybody ruled.  

second semester is a bit different and seems tougher. i'll figure it out, though. i always do. i have a dick for a prof who seems to be flip flopping back and forth between saying he's not an environmentalist and telling me that he is all about saving the world. i imagine this is only going to get worse for me in the next few weeks as i can't even take the dude seriously and just zone out for the majority of his class. he noticed me zoning out last week and called me out on it. but i snapped back to reality and answered his question. amber: 1, prof: 0 

i'm still hanging out at globe and mail. i actually started the first week back and i think i'll be writing a section of their sustainability report. or something along those lines. i'm not sure they know what they want. but i'm willing to compromise on something that fits. i'm there on mondays. i'm also working on an ecopreneurship business plan focusing on the outsourcing of recyclable toothbrushes in toronto. yeah, sustainability is pretty neat sometimes.

oh, and i also picked up this little number:

graduate certificate in project management - environmental

 and got my sustainability hero, bob willard, to sign his book:

2. holidays!
my holiday break was well needed. i spent some quality time at home for about ten days and hung out with the family and occasionally saw some friends. took a trip to 'merica and smuggled back some shock top raspberry wheat. my brother and i completed the halo 4 campaign. i ate turkey. y'know, usual holiday stuff.

i came back and saw lots of friends that i didn't see too much over the past 2 months since school was crazy busy. i threw a new years eve party and that was fun. corey puked. michelle puked. people got naked. i made out and looked after sick friends. maybe not in that order. y'know, again, usual party stuff. before i knew it, the break was over and i was back at school.

3. dudes/friends/jobs/whatever 
i'm not seeing anyone. it's a strange feeling but it's been this way since november. i actually sort of like it. i've spent a lot of time on myself the past few months and have been very self-reflective on my actions. it's something i probably should have done awhile back but never did. yeah, i'm interested in some dudes but they barely seem to be worth my time to go after, so i just don't.  i'm busy and recently got addicted to halo 4 online multiplayer. that's my new boyfriend -- schooling 9 year olds at halo 4.

friends are cool. i've reconnected with a few that were on their way out. lost a couple but i'm thankful for that. staying clear of dudes for awhile put my true friends in perspective and i was ready to accept that. purged everybody i didn't care about from my facebook and moved on. including, y'know, that dude from before and all his friends. i let go (although, i did a long time ago.. too) but he didn't. i hope he finally got the hint and will just stop trying to contact me.

jobs? fuck that. i guess i'll be restarting my job hunt very soon. i've been looking at openings and applied to a couple. my hopes are not up, though. i'll be re-vamping my resume and all that shit too. the dream is to land a job in 2013. go big or go home, right?

some day soon, i'm sure i'll have something pretty interesting to talk about that's not a general update on the fact that i've been MIA for almost 2 months.

oh, and i added master chief to my halo megablocks collection.

one year anniversary

i just recently passed the one year anniversary of this blog on may 30th.
and this is my 50th blog post!

where was i a year ago? i was a recent graduate looking for a summer job while living at  my parent's place in niagara falls. in those 3 months, i worked at imax theatre, margaritaville, java joe's, embassy suites, and sport chek. i also had countless interviews and sent off resumes to basically every place in niagara falls. i needed an escape. i had hit rock bottom. work was minimal. living at home was one of the worst things. i couldn't stand it.

a year passes and not a whole lot has changed. i gained more knowledge with a graduate program and plunged myself further into student debt. i moved out of my parent's place and into an apartment with my best friend in the world. i now called toronto my home. and -- up until this weekend, wouldn't have ever believed that i could live in toronto and function. this past weekend was a changing experience as i went for a short walk to use some coupons for dinner and randomly kept running into people i knew. it wasn't until the next day when i was in the wrong place at the wrong time when i truly believed i was a toronto resident -- involved in the eaton centre shooting, 7 people injured and 1 deceased.

luckily, i was above the food court when it happened and was on my way out of the mall when two ladies rushed out of a restaurant and told us to leave the mall immediately. outside, there was a gathering of over 2,000 people staring, taking pictures and videos, and stuck at a standstill on the sidewalk because of what was going on. social media has ruined lives this way -- instead of running for their lives, they're going to take a picture of it first. i didn't see anything out of the ordinary. nobody looked fearful and i didn't hear anything until we were outside. still, it's a bit scary and unreal.

i still don't have a paying job. i've taken on an unpaid internship with a longboarding company as their marketing/sustainability intern. i had my first day today and was assigned my first project to create an infographic about the benefits, exercise, costs, and carbon offsets of using a longboard. at least this gives me something to do instead of nothing. and after this article in the toronto star the next day after my interview, i was even more sold on the unpaid internship thing.

but, i'm still looking. i'm hoping somebody somewhere will eventually realize that they have the ability to pay me to do work too.