what am i gonna do with all these decisions i made? i am stuck in them.

if you haven't watched this already, you probably should.

i've been making a lot of decisions lately and making an attempt to bring my life back on track. i don't have a tendency to get derailed too often -- but sometimes, it's inevitable.

i started this blog over a year ago to talk about how ridiculous it is to find a shitty summer job or a grown-up job in this economy and being a recent graduate with zero experience within my field of study. and, for the most part, that is what this blog still represents. because i had only found a few summer jobs that i was consistently in and out of for the summer of 2011, i went back to school hoping that in 8 months, the economy, the job search, a new city, and more knowledge & qualifications would help me land a real job for the first time. unfortunately, that didn't happen. and i'm still scratching my head as to why it didn't happen.

this blog evolved into different subtopics, like budgeting and a lack of funds to friends, school, and relationships. these aspects were never my intention to write about -- but they were always things that needed to be said at the time when they were written. i can make the case that all of those topics are inherently related. having a job or not having a job means i'd have to budget or not have any money. school helped me not have any money but increased my qualifications for getting a job, or so i'm being told. friends and relationships are an integral part of the job search as they keep me grounded and give me a place to share my thoughts about what's going on.

there were two conversations i had this week which have helped me progress forward with my life.

1. a conversation with my roommate

there's a reason why my roommate and i (aka, my best friend since grade 6) get along so well. he's about the only person i know who can change my emotional state of being with just one sentence. he's always there when i need him to be as he's watched me struggle with many different things over the course of the almost a year we've been living together. he has a habit of knowing what to say in order to help me move on from whatever i'm dealing with.

for instance, awhile back we were talking about dude problems. i can't remember exactly what we were saying, but eventually he told me that "i was hotter than him." before you're quick to judge on that sentence, his words actually got me thinking. so i took them to other friends -- and they all agreed. it was only after this point when i realized that i had been seeing someone who, although i found him extremely attractive, most other friends didn't -- and saw me as the hotter one. this brought me back to how i met your mother's idea of the reacher and the settler. and in this scenario, it was definitely true. he was the reacher and i was the settler.

this time, a new job opening was available at my roommate's work. we got to talking about the position requirements and my roommate told me that i shouldn't apply for it because it was a "serious" job. this sentence hit me hard. yes, i have never had a serious job -- but i have never really been looking for one until now, sort of. i've spent the majority of my life working shitty jobs and being extraordinary when i do them while rarely receiving any feedback or recognition. even through my mass amount of volunteer work while at brock (which, for one year, took up an insane amount of my time and i basically hated every minute of it); i thought i would get some sort of recognition for my hard work. but it never happened.

so much of my life has been determined by the "someone else over me" concept. in jobs, i'm given a chance to prove my worth and someone else is hired over me. in recognition for hard work, someone else is given that recognition. in relationships, there's always someone else he'd rather be with than me (with the new shocking twist that this could happen basically any fucking time in the course of a relationship) and, as depressing as that may sound, i'm used to it. which is likely the reason why it doesn't take me very long to get over things that happen to me. this takes me into the conversations of last night.

2. the conversations i had last night 

this blog and any king of writing in general (especially that of my not-so-public blog that exists out there) have always worked as a release for my anger, resentment, and occasional happy moments. i am by no means an angry girl. but there are some things out there that can get the best of me and can stay locked up in me for weeks, months or years, depending on the situation. yes, my friends are content to listen to my problems and some of them can tell when i've been having a rough time. but in all honesty, i would rather not bore my friends with what i'm dealing with and talk about more positive, happier things. because that's my personality and it's not going to change.

so, last night, my roommate and i had a few friends over for drinks. and although i didn't want to talk about what's been going on and how i'm feeling -- most of them got it out of drunk amber pretty easily. and once i started talking, i found myself not able to stop.

yes, dude problems fucking suck. but i only needed a day before i was back out there and doing what i want. i didn't have any anger or resentment about what happened. you could barely even call it a break-up since things weren't "official" or "serious". but it ended. and despite what people may think, i'm actually okay. i feel the need to mention how wonderful my friends have been when they found out about what's been going on with me -- i couldn't ask for more love and support.

reading this article on men vs women breakups got me thinking too about how i don't fit the woman "norm" for getting over things. but, i have to play it safe. i have to prolong interactions and there's a high percentage that i can never be just friends with that person. although i'm not sure if they will or ever do (because i've never tried), i worry that whatever feelings i had may return and i'll constantly want something more than just a friendship. there is one dude in my life that i had deep feelings for at one point and it was the only time it took me forever to get over our ending. but now that dude is one of my good friends -- and i'm happy for that.

so yes, it can happen. but sometimes, it's just better and easier when it doesn't.

one year anniversary

i just recently passed the one year anniversary of this blog on may 30th.
and this is my 50th blog post!

where was i a year ago? i was a recent graduate looking for a summer job while living at  my parent's place in niagara falls. in those 3 months, i worked at imax theatre, margaritaville, java joe's, embassy suites, and sport chek. i also had countless interviews and sent off resumes to basically every place in niagara falls. i needed an escape. i had hit rock bottom. work was minimal. living at home was one of the worst things. i couldn't stand it.

a year passes and not a whole lot has changed. i gained more knowledge with a graduate program and plunged myself further into student debt. i moved out of my parent's place and into an apartment with my best friend in the world. i now called toronto my home. and -- up until this weekend, wouldn't have ever believed that i could live in toronto and function. this past weekend was a changing experience as i went for a short walk to use some coupons for dinner and randomly kept running into people i knew. it wasn't until the next day when i was in the wrong place at the wrong time when i truly believed i was a toronto resident -- involved in the eaton centre shooting, 7 people injured and 1 deceased.

luckily, i was above the food court when it happened and was on my way out of the mall when two ladies rushed out of a restaurant and told us to leave the mall immediately. outside, there was a gathering of over 2,000 people staring, taking pictures and videos, and stuck at a standstill on the sidewalk because of what was going on. social media has ruined lives this way -- instead of running for their lives, they're going to take a picture of it first. i didn't see anything out of the ordinary. nobody looked fearful and i didn't hear anything until we were outside. still, it's a bit scary and unreal.

i still don't have a paying job. i've taken on an unpaid internship with a longboarding company as their marketing/sustainability intern. i had my first day today and was assigned my first project to create an infographic about the benefits, exercise, costs, and carbon offsets of using a longboard. at least this gives me something to do instead of nothing. and after this article in the toronto star the next day after my interview, i was even more sold on the unpaid internship thing.

but, i'm still looking. i'm hoping somebody somewhere will eventually realize that they have the ability to pay me to do work too.