if history is doomed to repeat itself

if 2013 was the year of me close to death, 2015 is making itself the year of loss. i've lost a lot of things over the past 7 months and, fortunately, my mind is not one of them (but just barely.)

late december of 2014, i lost my grandma. late march 2015, i went through a breakup. in late may, i lost my roommate. in the middle of july, i lost my job. and in that same week, i lost my cat, my best friend of the past 15 years.

life has this habit of kicking me while i'm down and i guess i'm sort of used to that by now. but that doesn't stop me from being totally bummed out about everything.

and as always, i'll move on.

i don't have any real words of encouragement for myself in order to move on for the things in my life i can't change. people coming and going in my life is something i've dealt with for decades. and it all kind of works out in the end, though i might not see it right away.

losing my job was one of the happier things i've dealt with in 2015. it gave me a chance to spend a little bit more time with my cat. considering how the job hunt is going (pretty damn amazing), i'm looking forward to enjoying my summer and knowing that the next place i end up will value my time and worth. and hopefully, i'll make a shit ton more money.

this is a perfect opportunity to return to the roots of this blog from 2011 - my post university job hunt. i've spent the last 4 years in toronto and this blog has evolved into more than i ever could have imagined.

in the meantime, let's go celebrate summer in toronto. i'm down for whatever. 

adventures in tinder, part 2

besides the fact that tinder now crashes my phone every time the app opens, i've kind of laid it to rest. but not before coming across something in particular.

there he was, using the same photo from 3 years ago.

3 years ago, i was in a bit of a weird place, trying to figure out my life. i had 4 different dudes i was seeing at the same time and he was one of them. fortunately enough for me, he was designated for sex and nothing more. that was established pretty quickly. he was just old enough to know all the right everything. i was just young enough to give in.

i'll never forget the time when he thought i was 28. i'd hope by then i would've been in a better place. although he was much older than me, he was in the same place i was. he didn't have a job. i think he had just finished school or was about to finish school. he didn't know what he wanted and neither did i. what we had in common was only each other. even his nerdiness, although similar to my own, did not line up. i found myself shy around him, unable to converse. he'd invite me over to his parkdale apartment, feed me drinks i've never heard of, show me films i've never seen, and spend countless hours watching futurama with me. he'd always ask me to stay over and sometimes i did.

i knew it was never going to last and i was quite surprised it went on for as long as it did. i never initiated anything with him because i never needed to do so. there was just something about him that made me kept going back for more, and the sex wasn't even that good. there wasn't a spark. it was just.. something. i still can't figure it out.

what threw me for a loop when i saw him on tinder was that same photo. all of them were the same ones i remember. it had been 3 years. even if it was your best picture, in 3 years, you should've at least taken a different one to use. you have the technology.

i swiped right just to see what would happen. so far, there hasn't been a match.

i'm okay with that.