since i moved to toronto, i've become increasingly aware of the mental health issues everyone in my life faces. anxiety, depression, stress-related, and fear - whether they're out in the open or hidden away, everyone, including myself, has suffered through it at one time or another. for some people, it's ongoing.
there's no cure. there's no way to just "get over it." it's all different. it's irrational. it's rational. it's your brain. it's your body. it's your situation. it's your experiences. it is what it is and there isn't any way around it. i've come to expect this. i've come to expect failed plans and miserable moods between friends. and i'm okay with that, because i know what they're dealing with.
when it's hidden, however, is a whole other story. i have some pretty irrational fears that are "normal" for someone my age. there are also certain things i refuse to do because of those fears. for instance, i can't kill a bug. i just can't. i'm so scared of them that i either just leave or get someone else to deal with it. big or small, bugs are a definite nope.
that's just one fear. another problem i've had since i was young was the inability to swallow pills. as you can imagine, when i was sick at various intervals in 2013 and was on antibiotic treatment for four months you can imagine the bind i was in. i can assure you that it never went well. i suffered through mini panic attacks every time i had to take a pill. there were times when i had to literally walk away from my attempt and come back ten minutes later and try again. and usually, in this second attempt, i would choke, causing things to be even worse. that was not a fun four months of my life.
i've watched over the past couple years how people deal with themselves and their brain. if it's hidden and they haven't received help, i've watched as they try to take their own lives. this has been a serious problem for me since about 2010.
it started when the dude i was with told me that he wanted to kill himself. he told me that he was joking, except i knew that he definitely wasn't. since the day he told me, i could never feel the same way about him because i knew he needed to get help. not only was his threat real (to me, despite him not seeing it yet) - he also suffered from terrible anger issues that put a strain on our relationship. you could probably say this is why i stayed with him for as long as i did. i wanted him to get help but he never listened. when it ended the way it did, i wasn't surprised and wished whoever it was he'd be with next wouldn't have to go through the same things i did.
the years that followed would be a whirlwind of me doing my best to help friends in need. i don't know why i am, but i seem to be a safety net. and even then, a few things will always be hidden away and out of reach until it's too late. i've lost a number of people in my life to suicide and others who were lucky enough to be rescued before an attempt could be made. i say "lucky" but i mean it in the loosest of terms. i know that sometimes, if there isn't a light at the end of that tunnel, there never will be, despite any and all attempts made to take that life.
so, when it happens to a relative, like it did to me about two weeks ago, forgive me for not being myself.
her anxiety issues were hidden away, as they are. and when one situation took her over the edge, she no longer saw a light at the end of her tunnel. fortunately, for all of us, she was found and her attempt had been unsuccessful. it was later revealed the reason why she had tried and how the other relative had known about some of her anxiety, but not all.
we're all still a bit shaken up. my parents are strong people but i have no idea how they even deal with something like this. with me being sick for the later part of 2013 and my recovery, it was bad enough they had to see me go through that and be my support system through it all. for this to happen a couple months after, i worry about their mental health more than my own.
of course, it takes a toll on me too. but i know i'm strong and stable. i know i have to be for when others fall weak. so, maybe before you get mad at me for wanting to stay home on a friday night instead of getting drunk, there's probably a solid reason for me staying in.
i'm okay. i'm just worried about my relative's future mental health and hope that this won't happen again. and i'm an optimist, so i have to believe that it won't happen again.
please don't prove me wrong.
