i'm an extremely visual person.
i tend to remember things better when i see them and write them several times. want me to regurgitate a diagram? sure, no problem. remember the exact detail of that dude's body i hooked up with 4 years ago? yeah, feels like it happened yesterday.
but it has some drawbacks.
there have been certain times in my life where i've wanted to forget an image or a situation. but my mind won't let me do that. many of these images/situations that i want to lose are ones that play over in my head again and again, despite how awful or embarrassing they were.
i've seen a lot of really shitty things since i moved to toronto. it mostly deals with the crazy people that roam the streets and sometimes i might get lucky and see something that is positive and brightens my day. for instance, yesterday i saw a hit and run. a car literally took the side off of a taxi and almost ran me over in the get away. there was some honking and the car turned the corner and stopped at the side of the road while the taxi waited patiently for the pedestrians to cross at the intersection. as soon as we crossed the street and the taxi moved forward, the car drove off. that's pretty fucking shitty. my dad and i were involved in a similar situation last summer, so i can relate. kind of adds to my reasons of not wanting to drive.
an earlier situation during a snowstorm at a different intersection almost cost me my life as well, had i not have used some discretion of crossing the street. a car going pretty slow heading up to the lights at an intersection must have hit a slippery patch of snow and the brakes didn't work; leaving the car to slide practically halfway through the intersection. if i would have stepped out from the sidewalk, he would have ran right over me.
this morning, i saw something i would prefer to forget. but since i know i won't, i'll write about it instead. i don't know what about this entire situation made me so upset.
i saw an older man on crutches missing his left leg. the whole leg, way up last the thigh. he hobbled along on his crutches across the intersection and for some reason, decided to hobble along through the garden of the community centre. i watched as his movements through the garden baffled me. i couldn't understand why he chose the path that was the most difficult. i figured he was on his way when the bus arrived. as i got on the bus, i could hear through the music from my headphones, a man arguing with the bus driver. it was the man with one leg. i didn't quite hear what the argument was about, but the bus driver let him on and he made his way down the aisle.
a block later, he screamed at the bus driver to stop the bus and let him off, where he proceeded to attempt to cross the street with a heavy flow of traffic and the 'don't walk' sign flashing. immediately, i saw and heard the sounds of cars screeching their brakes and honking at the man. i thought for sure i was going to see this man get slammed by a car trying to cross the street at 7am. when he reached the other side, he began to cross the other section of the street again, disobeying pedestrian signals. there was more honking and screeching brakes. the man stopped in front of a car attempting to turn through the intersection as he could not cross any further with the flow of traffic. eventually, he was able to make it to the other side and the bus drove through the lights and kept on the route.
i don't know what was going through this man's head while he did the things he did this morning but i have a feeling he was unhappy with his life. i would be too, in his situation. but just the thought that this man may not want to live anymore (and get hit by a car) upset me greatly. to lose all will to live in any situation, whether shitty or ideal, is something that hits me in an unusual way. even when life gets me down to a degree when everything is awful, i try to find the positive and move on from it, because i know eventually things will get better. it might not be right away and it might take quite some time, but i know whatever i'm facing will pass.
i only wish that people would think the way i do about these circumstances of life and death and then something as trivial as this man with one leg wouldn't be drilled into my mind forever.
