horrific images

i'm an extremely visual person.

i tend to remember things better when i see them and write them several times. want me to regurgitate a diagram? sure, no problem. remember the exact detail of that dude's body i hooked up with 4 years ago? yeah, feels like it happened yesterday.

but it has some drawbacks.

there have been certain times in my life where i've wanted to forget an image or a situation. but my mind won't let me do that. many of these images/situations that i want to lose are ones that play over in my head again and again, despite how awful or embarrassing they were.

i've seen a lot of really shitty things since i moved to toronto. it mostly deals with the crazy people that roam the streets and sometimes i might get lucky and see something that is positive and brightens my day. for instance, yesterday i saw a hit and run. a car literally took the side off of a taxi and almost ran me over in the get away. there was some honking and the car turned the corner and stopped at the side of the road while the taxi waited patiently for the pedestrians to cross at the intersection. as soon as we crossed the street and the taxi moved forward, the car drove off. that's pretty fucking shitty. my dad and i were involved in a similar situation last summer, so i can relate. kind of adds to my reasons of not wanting to drive.

an earlier situation during a snowstorm at a different intersection almost cost me my life as well, had i not have used some discretion of crossing the street. a car going pretty slow heading up to the lights at an intersection must have hit a slippery patch of snow and the brakes didn't work; leaving the car to slide practically halfway through the intersection. if i would have stepped out from the sidewalk, he would have ran right over me.

this morning, i saw something i would prefer to forget. but since i know i won't, i'll write about it instead. i don't know what about this entire situation made me so upset.

i saw an older man on crutches missing his left leg. the whole leg, way up last the thigh. he hobbled along on his crutches across the intersection and for some reason, decided to hobble along through the garden of the community centre. i watched as his movements through the garden baffled me. i couldn't understand why he chose the path that was the most difficult. i figured he was on his way when the bus arrived. as i got on the bus, i could hear through the music from my headphones, a man arguing with the bus driver. it was the man with one leg. i didn't quite hear what the argument was about, but the bus driver let him on and he made his way down the aisle.

a block later, he screamed at the bus driver to stop the bus and let him off, where he proceeded to attempt to cross the street with a heavy flow of traffic and the 'don't walk' sign flashing. immediately, i saw and heard the sounds of cars screeching their brakes and honking at the man. i thought for sure i was going to see this man get slammed by a car trying to cross the street at 7am. when he reached the other side, he began to cross the other section of the street again, disobeying pedestrian signals. there was more honking and screeching brakes. the man stopped in front of a car attempting to turn through the intersection as he could not cross any further with the flow of traffic. eventually, he was able to make it to the other side and the bus drove through the lights and kept on the route.

i don't know what was going through this man's head while he did the things he did this morning but i have a feeling he was unhappy with his life. i would be too, in his situation. but just the thought that this man may not want to live anymore (and get hit by a car) upset me greatly. to lose all will to live in any situation, whether shitty or ideal, is something that hits me in an unusual way. even when life gets me down to a degree when everything is awful, i try to find the positive and move on from it, because i know eventually things will get better. it might not be right away and it might take quite some time, but i know whatever i'm facing will pass.

i only wish that people would think the way i do about these circumstances of life and death and then something as trivial as this man with one leg wouldn't be drilled into my mind forever.

first day of grad school

today was my first day of grad school.

i had one class and it started at 8am. which meant that i needed to be up at 6am and out of my apartment before 7am in order to arrive to class on time. and that's not including the ridiculous strike traffic. i rolled out of bed and dreaded the day ahead.

i left around 6:40am and did the zombie walk to the subway. grabbed the subway easily and rode to finch where i just barely made the express bus to school. i made it to school by 7:30am. now i know that i can leave a little later tomorrow when i have to do it all again, and once again on friday. yes, i have 3 8am classes a week. this is not the grad school classes i imagined. hopefully next semester will be better.

it felt strange to be back in the classroom. i looked around and knew nobody. there was a definite age gap in my classmates. where were my TREN girls at? no where. it was depressing. the professor was late so the coordinator took over until he got there. this is when the coordinator told me to switch my one class to the other 8am on friday. i was not happy. class flew by and we didn't do much, similar to most of the first day introductions i've been in before.

i made friends with the two girls next to me who seemed to be remotely my age and i walked with the one over to admissions after class. she had the same problem as me: seneca needed 'proof of degree' from her. admissions opened at 10am and my class got out at 9:50am. the admissions lineup was all the way down the hall and almost around the corner when i got there. seeing as i had really nothing else to do today, i waited. and i waited. and i fucking waited. i waited an hour and 20 minutes to talk to someone. she told me that i needed to send a new transcript and a photocopy of my degree/confirmation of graduation and changed the expiry to the end of september. she told me not to panic. clearly, i was not in panic mode. perhaps i look panicky when i'm awake at 6am.

i headed home shortly after while talking to some of the strike people about their issues and whatnot while waiting for the bus. i like to be informed. the bus at finch going to school when i arrived at finch station had so many people waiting. i was glad to be going the opposite direction. i made it home around 12:30pm with a quick stop in at subway for lunch.

over the weekend, i saw lutzenkirchen, got drunk, and went to the eaton centre. i talked to someone at the eaton centre sport chek about possibly getting a transfer (even though i only worked 2 shifts at the niagara falls one) and she told me to call her on wednesday to figure it all out. in the meantime, i applied to various retail jobs at the mall and am waiting to hear back... if i hear back at all.

i need a good night's sleep.