i once dated a dude who had his life together.
at the time, my life was far from together. all i remember thinking whenever we hung out was that i couldn't be with this dude because, well, he had his life together and i didn't. he had a steady job he liked. he had an income that allowed him to have a car in the city and live in a fancy apartment without struggling to pay his bills. and me? i was trying to figure life out as a starving post-grad living in the city for the first time. the kicker was that he didn't go to school and he was my age, yet had all of this, life togetherness, the thing i've been yearning for since birth, figured out already.
in conversations with friends, i'd mention how he wasn't the only dude i was dating at the time. but i'd also mention how different each of the dudes i was dating at the time were and how they each made me feel differently. i liked hanging out with him and the sex was incredible. but as time wore on, i had every excuse waiting for the inevitable ride home and not let him spend the night. where was this future going? is that what we were even doing? past relationships and the future of us were never discussed, but with him, i wasn't sure a future would even be possible. i couldn't understand what it was that kept him coming back to me. i was always available and yet, we still didn't even manage to hang as much as one would've thought since i started to lean away from him and into another dude where a future seemed more likely.
so when that other dude didn't end up the way it was meant to be, mr. life together was still hanging out, waiting for me. and as i was still picking up the pieces of myself, he sat me down for the first time and asked me where things were going. he talked to me about settling and i stared at him, nearly dropping my beer in disbelief. why now? why me? my life, at this time, was even less together than it ever was and he was willing to see past all of that. although he was not aware of my recent fall out with the other dude, (of which the two of them managed to meet once and i was essentially scared and couldn't stop grinning the entire time) he had no idea that i was not in any shape to settle down with anyone, even someone as loving and forgiving as he had been to me over the course of our dating life. i shook my head. i wouldn't and couldn't rebound into him. that wouldn't be fair to anyone involved.
the next time we hung out, i had no excuses to not bring him home with me. unfortunately, he did. and i couldn't even fight it. he had made his choice and i had made mine. what i didn't know then, was that dudes with their life together are uhh.. elusive and don't come around very often.
the irony of this story is that back when my life was an entire fuck up of epic proportions was also the time when i was at the peak of desirability. my life (and me) needed saving and each of the dudes i had picked for that saving either made things better or worse, depending on the timing and situation. and now that i'm mildly self sufficient and have my life together? i don't need to be saved anymore, i just need someone around to open jars and reach items on the top shelf.
last year, i ran into mr. life together on two separate occasions where he was attending with his girlfriend but she wasn't with him when we exchanged pleasantries. unfortunately, i'm not a girl who waits around for dudes.
it wasn't me back then and it's not me now; i think i've come to terms with that.
but i'd probably throw that all away in a second for one more chance to hold his hand.
Showing posts with label post-grad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label post-grad. Show all posts
May 23, 2014
Sep 1, 2013
2 years of toronto livin'
today's the day that i've officially lived in toronto for 2 years. 2 years!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
Jul 30, 2012
the power of me
i've been in a bit of a vulnerable state the last few weeks.
my life has a tendency to be awesome only up until a certain point -- and then it gets a little difficult. you see, all of the bad things that seem to happen to me occur in the same span of a couple weeks. yes, these can range from bad interviews, bad dates, problems with school, to empathy with friends and family. and seriously; things haven't been this awful in quite some time.
i've never been one to sit around all day, all month, or all year. i can appreciate that i may have inherited the workaholic gene from my family. it exists. and i know it does. i don't feel right unless there's something to do. and having this first summer of real unemployment is driving me crazy. the internship is okay. i like what i'm doing and occasionally feel some sort of gratitude for the things i do. but the no money factor kills me. it's also not enough to keep me busy. i'm finding other activities, like cooking, working out, cleaning, and playing video games to make the days pass. and even then, i'm finding it strangely difficult to make a life out of any of this.
you see, a lot of social life depends on funds. with no moneys, this makes it increasingly difficult to go out and do things, like drink heavily at bars -- which most of my friends do. sure, i can hang out with dudes, get drinks, and do whatever i want. but it's not the same. i don't want to be dependent on another dude just to be able to go out and have fun. i've never wanted to be dependent. i'm one of the biggest commitaphobes i've ever met -- and i'm not exactly going to be shy about it. many of my past relationships have failed mostly because of this reason. i don't settle. i don't commit. and when i do these things, they have a tendency to backfire on me. so, for the most part, i just stopped.
i stopped after my latest failed relationship ended in december. we were together for quite some time and i was over it in a matter of days. frankly, i was over it before it was even over. but that empathy factor set in and i decided it was better to seem like i was upset than to go off and live my life so quickly. the commitment set in and i just wasn't ready. i was never ready with him even though he felt like he was. it was just not anything that i needed at the time. and it went on for so long -- as one of my first "real" relationships that i didn't know how to end. and the ending was about 8 months too late.
i could tell myself again and again that it was my fault. that i should have spared both of us the trouble, ending it when it should have ended, rather than many months later when he had invested himself in me and the relationship even further. but i couldn't do that. and i still can't. i can assume that he's forgiven me and things might resume as normal -- to be friends. but i can't do that either. i'll never see him again. or any of the other dudes i may have been sort of "seeing" (or mostly just kissing) on the side -- and i'm sorry that he may not have known that, but i can assume he suspected. it was an easy way out that i saw but never used to progress to a means to an end. i had just always hoped and knew, whatever hopeless romantic, if any, was left in me -- that i would just know when that right dude had come along. i encouraged myself to believe that somewhere out there was a dude i could be with where i didn't want to be with any other dudes except him.
i started 2012 off with a clean slate. and by the middle of january and a whole fuck ton of awful dates later, i found a few shining lights. some of which worked out to my advantage and others not so much. two of them remained steady up until about now. one of them, i had assumed, had no interest in anything else other than what we were doing -- hanging out. he felt more like a friend rather than somebody i may have been sort of dating. the other found a soft spot in me that i wasn't sure existed. and although there was always a constant talk of where we were going or how things were progressing, there never seemed to be a common ground we could take other than whatever it was that we had. so i left it. at some point, i realized that i saw a potential future but never exactly expressed an interest in this until it was too late.
it was a step up and a step down for everyone involved. of course, there were and still are other dudes being picked up and dropped off consistently wherever i see fit. whenever i wanted something more and he didn't, i'd make more time for others. whenever it seemed he wanted something more, i was constantly invested in other dudes. we were always on a different level of infatuation - whether we actually believed in it or not. but it was one of the only things in my life that kept me steady and stable. something i could count on being there even if he wasn't always around whenever i needed him to be -- because i never expected him to be. it was something i felt content with. and happy that throughout this strange, steady dating experience, there was never a point where i felt required to end it -- like so many others had pissed me off before. it was patience and understanding. it was honest and positive.
but there were no rules.
and when there are no boundaries, no procedures, no policies, and no rules, there is bound to be failure, upset, and sadness. i had the ability to do whatever the fuck i wanted. and so i did it. i fell back into old patterns and routines. i fell back into the roots of 15 year old me -- being in the wrong place at the wrong time and doing things i know i shouldn't be doing. my ethics and morals were off balance. i wanted an exclusivity but couldn't get it. so i added more dudes into the picture, making myself even more confused about the whole situation and fucking up some other things i had going for me in my life. i hit a downward spiral until i decided i wasn't going to take this shit any longer.
and yet -- we remained steady. it was always available to me whenever i felt like getting it. problems soon arose that i realized and i didn't know how to cope. i kept telling myself that it was just a phase. we'd been through them before. but i had a feeling. i had that feeling my life had been too swell for too long and i was about to be hit. a storm was coming. and it did.
my existing problems with time and the job search sent me into an anger i've never felt before. i have no money to show for the 4 months i've been out of school. i have no money to go out with friends and live a life. i have no money to pay rent and live in toronto. i have problems with osap giving me money to get through the next year and my new post-grad program. i had friends reach out to me with mind-boggling problems of their own -- dealing with their own stress and anxieties of life that hurt me, knowing that i was dealing with similar issues and was at a loss for words. i re-evaluated my life and choices. this was the first time ever that i didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.
so when i needed him to be there without telling him i needed him to be there, he decided he wasn't going to be. the one steady thing in my life had failed me.
but i'll only be stronger once this storm is over.
......."rise."
my life has a tendency to be awesome only up until a certain point -- and then it gets a little difficult. you see, all of the bad things that seem to happen to me occur in the same span of a couple weeks. yes, these can range from bad interviews, bad dates, problems with school, to empathy with friends and family. and seriously; things haven't been this awful in quite some time.
i've never been one to sit around all day, all month, or all year. i can appreciate that i may have inherited the workaholic gene from my family. it exists. and i know it does. i don't feel right unless there's something to do. and having this first summer of real unemployment is driving me crazy. the internship is okay. i like what i'm doing and occasionally feel some sort of gratitude for the things i do. but the no money factor kills me. it's also not enough to keep me busy. i'm finding other activities, like cooking, working out, cleaning, and playing video games to make the days pass. and even then, i'm finding it strangely difficult to make a life out of any of this.
you see, a lot of social life depends on funds. with no moneys, this makes it increasingly difficult to go out and do things, like drink heavily at bars -- which most of my friends do. sure, i can hang out with dudes, get drinks, and do whatever i want. but it's not the same. i don't want to be dependent on another dude just to be able to go out and have fun. i've never wanted to be dependent. i'm one of the biggest commitaphobes i've ever met -- and i'm not exactly going to be shy about it. many of my past relationships have failed mostly because of this reason. i don't settle. i don't commit. and when i do these things, they have a tendency to backfire on me. so, for the most part, i just stopped.
i stopped after my latest failed relationship ended in december. we were together for quite some time and i was over it in a matter of days. frankly, i was over it before it was even over. but that empathy factor set in and i decided it was better to seem like i was upset than to go off and live my life so quickly. the commitment set in and i just wasn't ready. i was never ready with him even though he felt like he was. it was just not anything that i needed at the time. and it went on for so long -- as one of my first "real" relationships that i didn't know how to end. and the ending was about 8 months too late.
i could tell myself again and again that it was my fault. that i should have spared both of us the trouble, ending it when it should have ended, rather than many months later when he had invested himself in me and the relationship even further. but i couldn't do that. and i still can't. i can assume that he's forgiven me and things might resume as normal -- to be friends. but i can't do that either. i'll never see him again. or any of the other dudes i may have been sort of "seeing" (or mostly just kissing) on the side -- and i'm sorry that he may not have known that, but i can assume he suspected. it was an easy way out that i saw but never used to progress to a means to an end. i had just always hoped and knew, whatever hopeless romantic, if any, was left in me -- that i would just know when that right dude had come along. i encouraged myself to believe that somewhere out there was a dude i could be with where i didn't want to be with any other dudes except him.
i started 2012 off with a clean slate. and by the middle of january and a whole fuck ton of awful dates later, i found a few shining lights. some of which worked out to my advantage and others not so much. two of them remained steady up until about now. one of them, i had assumed, had no interest in anything else other than what we were doing -- hanging out. he felt more like a friend rather than somebody i may have been sort of dating. the other found a soft spot in me that i wasn't sure existed. and although there was always a constant talk of where we were going or how things were progressing, there never seemed to be a common ground we could take other than whatever it was that we had. so i left it. at some point, i realized that i saw a potential future but never exactly expressed an interest in this until it was too late.
it was a step up and a step down for everyone involved. of course, there were and still are other dudes being picked up and dropped off consistently wherever i see fit. whenever i wanted something more and he didn't, i'd make more time for others. whenever it seemed he wanted something more, i was constantly invested in other dudes. we were always on a different level of infatuation - whether we actually believed in it or not. but it was one of the only things in my life that kept me steady and stable. something i could count on being there even if he wasn't always around whenever i needed him to be -- because i never expected him to be. it was something i felt content with. and happy that throughout this strange, steady dating experience, there was never a point where i felt required to end it -- like so many others had pissed me off before. it was patience and understanding. it was honest and positive.
but there were no rules.
and when there are no boundaries, no procedures, no policies, and no rules, there is bound to be failure, upset, and sadness. i had the ability to do whatever the fuck i wanted. and so i did it. i fell back into old patterns and routines. i fell back into the roots of 15 year old me -- being in the wrong place at the wrong time and doing things i know i shouldn't be doing. my ethics and morals were off balance. i wanted an exclusivity but couldn't get it. so i added more dudes into the picture, making myself even more confused about the whole situation and fucking up some other things i had going for me in my life. i hit a downward spiral until i decided i wasn't going to take this shit any longer.
and yet -- we remained steady. it was always available to me whenever i felt like getting it. problems soon arose that i realized and i didn't know how to cope. i kept telling myself that it was just a phase. we'd been through them before. but i had a feeling. i had that feeling my life had been too swell for too long and i was about to be hit. a storm was coming. and it did.
my existing problems with time and the job search sent me into an anger i've never felt before. i have no money to show for the 4 months i've been out of school. i have no money to go out with friends and live a life. i have no money to pay rent and live in toronto. i have problems with osap giving me money to get through the next year and my new post-grad program. i had friends reach out to me with mind-boggling problems of their own -- dealing with their own stress and anxieties of life that hurt me, knowing that i was dealing with similar issues and was at a loss for words. i re-evaluated my life and choices. this was the first time ever that i didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.
so when i needed him to be there without telling him i needed him to be there, he decided he wasn't going to be. the one steady thing in my life had failed me.
but i'll only be stronger once this storm is over.
......."rise."
Nov 8, 2011
what if
sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice.
i guess it really wasn't my choice to make. with the rejection from niagara and that being the only school i applied to for a post-grad, i was scrambling for something better. but it made me wonder and showed that it was almost fate that i didn't get in.
let's face it: 8 months at niagara would mean 8 more months of living at home and i definitely would not have been able to stand that. i doubt i would be learning anything about project management or getting 100% on assignments (okay, i don't know about the latter). still, i love every aspect of city life. the nightlife, the closeness, the transportation, the friends, the accessibility, and being on my own for sure rules.
i just imagine how things would be different if i didn't scramble to apply to seneca and get in -- even though it wasn't exactly what i wanted. but it's now shaping up to be something that could be beneficial to me in the long run.
i realized how different college life and university life are -- both through the atmosphere and the teaching/grading styles. yes, i'm post-grad, but fuck, if it's 8am and i just got up at 6am, i should have every right to show up in trackpants. fuck all of you for thinking otherwise. and the midterms. oh god, the midterms. i've written 4 so far with a 5th tomorrow. i fucking hate midterms. i didn't have any in my final year of university; i think the last time was in my 4th year. oh yeah, and what happened on that midterm? i scored 100% on short answer and essay questions. yeah. it was a good way to end my university midterm career. this also goes with final exams too -- i only had one final exam in my last year at brock and i did quite well.
i guess i'm just not a fan of testing. my memory, she ain't what she used to be and i find myself blanking on questions i should know... but don't. i prefer writing papers in order to collect my thoughts and ideas and apply them accordingly -- 'cause hell, i can express myself and argue my opinions pretty well! this seems no different in the marks i get from papers/reports/assignments so far. but, even my test scores are turning around. it's all just a matter of my focus at the time. if my mind is elsewhere (and it tends to be), i'm gonna do terrible. but if it's not, i'll more than likely be successful. hell week and a half is winding down to a close tomorrow and it's pretty much smooth sailing with only a few assignments to complete before final exams.
this seneca post-grad or a niagara post-grad was not what i intended. it's no applied master's, but it's going to have to work out.. for now. i just don't enjoy this all theory with no action thing. i want action with less theory!
i guess it really wasn't my choice to make. with the rejection from niagara and that being the only school i applied to for a post-grad, i was scrambling for something better. but it made me wonder and showed that it was almost fate that i didn't get in.
let's face it: 8 months at niagara would mean 8 more months of living at home and i definitely would not have been able to stand that. i doubt i would be learning anything about project management or getting 100% on assignments (okay, i don't know about the latter). still, i love every aspect of city life. the nightlife, the closeness, the transportation, the friends, the accessibility, and being on my own for sure rules.
i just imagine how things would be different if i didn't scramble to apply to seneca and get in -- even though it wasn't exactly what i wanted. but it's now shaping up to be something that could be beneficial to me in the long run.
i realized how different college life and university life are -- both through the atmosphere and the teaching/grading styles. yes, i'm post-grad, but fuck, if it's 8am and i just got up at 6am, i should have every right to show up in trackpants. fuck all of you for thinking otherwise. and the midterms. oh god, the midterms. i've written 4 so far with a 5th tomorrow. i fucking hate midterms. i didn't have any in my final year of university; i think the last time was in my 4th year. oh yeah, and what happened on that midterm? i scored 100% on short answer and essay questions. yeah. it was a good way to end my university midterm career. this also goes with final exams too -- i only had one final exam in my last year at brock and i did quite well.
i guess i'm just not a fan of testing. my memory, she ain't what she used to be and i find myself blanking on questions i should know... but don't. i prefer writing papers in order to collect my thoughts and ideas and apply them accordingly -- 'cause hell, i can express myself and argue my opinions pretty well! this seems no different in the marks i get from papers/reports/assignments so far. but, even my test scores are turning around. it's all just a matter of my focus at the time. if my mind is elsewhere (and it tends to be), i'm gonna do terrible. but if it's not, i'll more than likely be successful. hell week and a half is winding down to a close tomorrow and it's pretty much smooth sailing with only a few assignments to complete before final exams.
this seneca post-grad or a niagara post-grad was not what i intended. it's no applied master's, but it's going to have to work out.. for now. i just don't enjoy this all theory with no action thing. i want action with less theory!
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