the waiting is the hardest part

too much of my life is spent waiting.

i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.

typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.

by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).

more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.

it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.

part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills. 

i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.

the waiting will always be the hardest part.

2 years of toronto livin'

today's the day that i've officially lived in toronto for 2 years. 2 years!

where did the time go?

i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.

and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.

this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.

i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!

here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!

the one question i'm tired of hearing

here's a meme that's been going around for awhile

i first saw it sometime last year and it's been something i refer to ever since when someone asks me how my job hunt it going.

yes, i'm tired of hearing any variation of "how is your job search going?" because lately, it seems to be the only thing people are concerned about in my life.

half the time, i'm not even sure how to answer the question. what, you want me to tell you about the 15 jobs i applied to today? you want me to tell you about the two interviews i have lined up this week? you want me to say that i lied to a guy so i could get an interview (and ended up getting that interview? - so now i'm fucked).

sorry - when did my life only get interesting in my pursuit of a job? it's like an interview question. why is this the only thing people tend to ask my anymore? yes, i've taken school-mode amber and transformed her into job-searching amber, but that doesn't make me any different from what i used to be.

let's put it this way: if i want to talk to you about my job search, i will. i'll tell you every juicy detail about it, whether you're actually interested in hearing or not. but until that day comes, you're going to get a shitty response from me. especially as i approach my 31st interview this week and you can probably smell my desperation for a job two towns over.

i consider my job search to be just like what my school coursework was like. i'd give you a brief synopsis of what i'm working on -- "oh, it's a paper on (this) and it has to be (this many words)." so when you ask me and i say "i have an interview for (this place) doing (these things) and it's (related to my field/not related to my field)" -- that's all you're really going to get from now on. and if i don't have any interviews coming up, i'll tell you that. and i don't want to hear any words of optimism or any advice on how to do things, unless you're someone who's in my field and has been in the field for 5+ years.

it's simple: my job search is my own personal business.

besides, my love life is much more interesting to hear about.

sometimes things get, complicated

where do i start?

1. the job hunt solution
it seems like i had been coordinating an interview time with the home depot for about a month. it was constant phone tag and problems with scheduling because apparently, people don't listen to me when i tell them that i'm busy. eventually, they called me with a time that worked on the thursday for the following tuesday. on the friday, i confirmed and asked for a confirmation callback just to make sure i knew what i was getting myself into. by the time tuesday rolled around, i still hadn't heard from them on a confirmation and i was worried.

with the help of some opinions from friends, i decided to show up to the supposed interview regardless of the confirmation call. it didn't help that i was feeling terrible with a cold and i didn't want to go; but i went. as i commuted to the home depot, i realized that i was in familiar territory. besides a recent encounter with a dude that set me up with a walk of shame from mid-town, there was something else about this area that seemed too ridiculously familiar. and then i walked by a place i had an interview with back in early summer: the school uniform place. it took all my might not to walk my ass in there and see if anyone in the store remembered who i was. that's just the sort of mood i was in that particular evening on the way to my interview.

i walked into the home depot and talked to somebody about how i'm there for an interview but i wasn't sure exactly who i was supposed to interview with. eventually, it gets sorted and i meet with a store manager. he asks some pretty detailed questions about projects and my experience but i was confident in my responses. i knew what i was talking about -- i guess that project management background was starting to pay off. the position was for a project coordinator that, when i was applying for the position, was part-time. this part-time idea was confirmed with the HR manager upon my successful passing of the pre-screen interview. but the store manager told me differently -- that he wanted someone flexible enough to work a 40+ hour work week if it should arise. well, fuck. i left the interview feeling useless.

by thursday afternoon, i receive a call from the HR manager again asking me to meet with her friday afternoon to discuss and consider positions. i was intrigued and she had basically refused to answer my questions over the phone. so, friday afternoon, after the longest commute ever from school, i met up with her. she verbally offered me a position at the special services desk looking after customer projects and things like that. she said she could also cross-train me on project coordination as the two departments coincide with each other and work as a cross-functional team most of the time. i was stoked on this offer and filled in the paperwork immediately. upon the completion and passing of a back check and reference check, as well as getting a go ahead from headquarters (as they're creating a new position for me to set up wages and so on), i would be hired.

so now i wait for a call on wednesday to possibly start on friday. there you have it, after being unemployed for 1 year and 2 months, i may have a job. it's about fucking time.

2. the internship promotion 
remember that longboarding internship i had been working through over the past summer? the one that i was doing a crazy amount of work for without being paid (but at least getting some recognition for it, and having fun while i was doing it... most times)?

well, i had been working on a marketing/promotions project for about 2 months since the beginning of august, monitoring the progress of online advertisements and customer inquiries/sales. the thing was, there were no inquiries or sales. so i spent the majority of the project not doing anything and awaiting a response. last week, i received a response and sent it over. it was the first time in 2 months that i had heard an update from my 'boss', who had been MIA since i met with him at the beginning of august to work on this project. apparently, he had been very ill and took some time off. but he didn't tell me any of this.

i met with him and he told me how appreciative he is with all of the effort and enthusiasm i've put into my projects. and he wanted me to move up as an intern. essentially, he now wants me to help him make projects for the other interns and he wants me to supervise and train new interns. i was pretty stoked on this because i really enjoy managing people and well, developing projects. i'm all about conflict resolution and coming up with alternatives and recommendations on how to do things in a different way, which is probably why project management was such a good fit for me. besides my excellent organizational and time management skills -- geez.

3. the birthday, the school, and the other internship 

i turned 24 years old on saturday october 6. my celebrations started on friday after my ridiculous day of class, commuting, the home depot interview, more commuting, and the longboarding internship. i met up with friends for dinner and drinks and was passed out on my couch before midnight. yes, i was drunk, but also exhausted. it was well worth it. because canadian thanksgiving fell on the same weekend as my birthday, most friends headed home or had family things to attend. i didn't want to get in the way of that. my birthday almost always falls on thanksgiving every year. leave it to my parents to have 2 kids with birthdays that fall on holidays. i'm having a part next weekend to celebrate my birthday and i can't wait for that.

i spent my actual birthday day with much needed amber time and a couple surprises from friends. i had an early night and awaited the arrival of my parents the next day. on october 7, my parents came to visit me in toronto. they brought me a bunch of shit and helped clean up the apartment. i took them out for a nice hike through riverdale farm and had dinner and drinks at house on parliament. i was happy to see them.

i'm pretty swamped with school most of the time but i'm content with what's happening. i'm waiting to start my internship with metrolinx but i don't know exactly what's going on with that or what to expect. i've finished a few papers and presentations so far that keep me busy and i also took on hip hop and zumba classes for a few weeks (although i didn't go last week since i was sick... boooo.)

starting next week, i'm managing school, 2 internships, and a part-time job. so if you need me or want to do something, make sure to book me a year in advance.

sometimes things get, whatever

i told myself that if i didn't get that marketing job, i would automatically become a pessimist in my job hunt.

i didn't get it.

i just can't seem to land a break. i've been unemployed for a year and a month now. some people have told me that you're only unemployed for the amount of time you've been searching for a job. well, fuck. i've been searching for a job since i moved to toronto last september. back then, i was looking for anything that could fit my schedule. and in january of 2012 was when i started the full-time, permanent, real, grown-up job search. and i've had nothing come from it but a string of good and bad interviews.

i felt highly overdressed for my latest interview at a retail store. many of the girls in this interview were wearing leggings. i'm sorry -- when did leggings become standard and okay for job interviews? because i'm now the proud owner of a lady suit jacket (yes, you read that right); it's become my own standard for interview attire. and with the colder weather, it's making it quite easy to be comfortable while i'm wearing it. oh -- and i failed to mention that it looks damn good. this was the first interview i've ever had where it was in my best interest to name drop in order to get the job. so, maybe it'll work out. i've had a bit of luck on my side -- sort of.

i had a pre-interview last week for an actual interview coming up on wednesday for a project coordinator position. i passed the pre-interview with human resources, so now i get to sit down with a couple of managers and tell them how awesome i am and why they should hire me. because, let's face it: i would coordinate the shit out of their projects.

in the meantime, i've secured an intern position for my internship this year in green business management at metrolinx and i'm pretty excited for that. i feel like i have a ton of things to offer them; and i've overheard that the previous year's interns were offered summer jobs with the company. i can only hope that will happen with me too.

but my motivation for school is very minimal. i have a ton of great faculty teaching me this year, which is a giant plus in going to class. however, i'm just tired. i don't want to put in the hours of doing work anymore. my ability to write never ceases to amaze me -- with a paper i started last week the day before it was due and receiving 100% on it -- it lets me know that i've still got it ("i used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. now, what i'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me). 

i'll just keep on keepin' on. maybe things will get better.

so long, sweet summer

i don't want to go back to school.

i've finished 6 years of post-secondary education. i'm tired of it. grad school the first time around was a joke. actually, it was worse than a joke. i spent a god awful amount of money on what felt like nothing -- nothing that really stuck in my head after april.

i guess i have every right to be tired of school and not have any motivation to get through another fucking year. i figured that maybe this summer -- the one where i couldn't land a job -- would be the summer that follows into september where i don't have to head back to school for something. i just want a job i can be content with and preferably isn't shitty, like working retail. 6 years of school should at least allow me to be able to function in my field of study. as long as i'm getting some moneys, i'll just get you coffee and watch your kids. whatever. i want the real world experience that i lack. i want the real world experience i was supposed to get during my internship in the second semester of grad school; except what i got was developing a 40 page research project that they threw out the moment we walked away. at least i can truly justify my anger.

i haven't had an interview since sometime in the beginning of july when i figured i had nailed that internship with the marketing place. i did nail it; it came down to me and two others. except somebody else got hired over me. still, it's nice to know that i was considered, i suppose. on friday, i had 2 interviews. one with tourism ontario and one with global village. i feel like the lady at tourism ontario was pretty impressed with me. the interview went on for quite awhile and it sounded like a lot of things i could do, given the right circumstances. the global village interview also went pretty well, i think. they didn't have anyone even remotely interested in environment-related things and figured they should probably start.

there's a recruitment/temp agency that's been calling me lately too, but every time i return the call, i never get who i'm supposed to talk to and it's a never-ending cycle of phone tag. she "just wants to talk about my resume"... whatever that means. i've applied to a couple of jobs through that agency but none of them were anything i was that crazy interested in doing. i have an interview with them on wednesday. i also sort of had an in with a retail store that i went to see today, but apparently showed up too late. they clearly saw me standing there quite confused and they didn't even bother to come over to the door and tell me what's up. whatever. i'm better off. i should have just slept through my alarm instead of getting up and trekking over there. i also wasted a bunch of my time applying for a ryerson job only to hear back instantly that applicants were preferred to be ryerson students. for the amount of things i do for both ryerson and u of t, i may as well be an enrolled student. fuck.

the good news is that i'm going to get some money this week. i signed up and was randomly selected to participate in a focus group with seneca. they give me some moneys that will cover a fair amount of food and beer for a couple of weeks. i'm stoked on that. remember that job i was hired at back in april? and then they told me may? and june? and july? and for canada day, they got in touch with me and asked if i was available to work -- but i wasn't. well, they contacted me again for this saturday. and this time, i'm free all day. so, here's hoping something happens with that.

so what am i doing with my time, then? well, applying to jobs takes up a good portion of my day. i've been doing volunteer work with u of t and i'm an official orientation leader of frosh week in september. my longboarding internship is still kicking around and i'm working on things for that. and i did go home to visit for about a week in august. i hadn't been home in a couple of months and had a  lot of stuff to do while i was home. last week, i also found out that my kitty's feline diabetes reversed and now he's back to being healthy. that was super exciting news, and i'm really happy about that.

such a baby.

yep... same old life, really. if i end up going back to school, i start on september 4. with an 8am. because seneca is terrible, amongst other things. but that won't stop me from trying to find a job.

life stories for minimum wage

i have applied for 32 jobs in the past month. i have one interview on monday for steamwhistle.

about four years ago, i was dating this dude who, at the time, was much older than me -- like, 6 or 7 years older. when you're 20 dating a 26/27 year old, you tend to get some strange ideas about life. or maybe it was just the dude himself. he had a job working for a call centre. the pay was steady. he had his own car. he could afford things. but he still lived at home and he didn't quite see a need for 'advancement' or 'promotion' in his work or personal life just yet. there were many reasons as to why we never lasted, but i'm not about to get into those now.

during that summer, we had a tendency to go to many parties. i also felt weird bringing my much older boyfriend to parties and pub outings with my friends as we were all early 20s and many of my friends could never see eye to eye with the dude on any level. i also had this problem on several occasions. but yes, not to get into that. i figured he would have the same problem when he brought me to parties with his friends. and yet, this would never be the case.

at one party in particular, we showed up sort of late and the majority of everyone was already wasted. there was a bonfire in the backyard. nobody looked like they were drinking heavily. inside, people were talking music and i remember being a part of the conversation. the inside folk didn't seem too much more 'mature' or 'adult' than me at 20 years old and it made me feel better about myself. when i adventured outside, i conversed with 4 or 5 girls about nothing specific until one of them asked me a question i had only heard in tv shows/movies: "so, amber, what do you do?" 

i wish there would have been some kind of visual interpretation of my mind going a mile a minute (or rather, this as being more appropriate) as i tried to figure out how to respond to the question. here i was, talking to a bunch of people older than me with these grown up jobs and careers in industries that i definitely did not want to be a part of later in life. i felt as if i told them i was finishing up school to get my bachelor's degree in tourism and environment, i would be totally out of place and shunned for my attempts at higher education. i already knew that most of these people at the party had never went on to post-secondary education.

i'm positive that by the time i answered this question, like 3 solid minutes of silence (i.e., thinking, collectively attributed to my state of drunk at the time) had gone by before i told them that i worked in a library. i could sense sighs of relief from these girls as a couple of them asked me follow up questions of what i do/which library and so on, which i of course had no problem answering.

ever since that fateful night, i've never been asked that dreaded question again. yes, i now hold in my hands a bachelor's degree and in 3 weeks, i'll have a post-graduate certificate. next september, i'll likely be heading back to school for another post-graduate certificate -- because i just can't land a job. many of the parties i've been to in the last year were filled with people just like me: students, undergraduate or graduate, or recent graduates trying to find a job/career.

the job market still sucks. i've applied to everything and everyone for practically anything where i meet some or all of the requirements. and i can't even get a callback for an interview, minus the one for steamwhistle next week.

so maybe the "what do you do?" question is on it's way out -- an obsolete question to ask people in a post-recession era whether you've had a job or career in the past. perhaps a better question to ask would be "how's the job search going?" or "how's the job market treating you?" or "are you in school?"

at lease these questions are a bit more open ended and specific so this way, when you try to tell people that you're a recent graduate who's unemployed and can't find a job in this job market/recession, they won't look at you like you're a crazy son of a bitch.

but hey -- does that not describe like 95% of all recent graduates right now?