thank you for everything

my grandmother passed away on christmas eve. she would've been 93 on january 5.

for 3 months, my parents did as much as they could to take care of her. she had fallen ill with liver problems. there were good days and bad days.

what you need to learn about my grandmother is that she was as independent as they go. she never wanted any assistance with anything. she always had a can-do attitude, but my earliest memory of her is speaking to my parents about how she was not long for this world. from about 70 onwards, she continuously thought she would die soon, albeit no real health problems or reasons. my grandfather passed at the age of 51, before i was born. i assumed this was the reason behind her thoughts that she wouldn't live very long.

i spent a lot of time with my grandmother when i was young. she would help me learn ukrainian. we would spend hours reading and writing together. in turn, as all grandmothers do, she would hand me some cash for spending time with her. in her earlier days, she loved to cook for the family. she would make perogies, cabbage rolls, chicken, and lots of ukrainian style deserts. she always knew what my favourite foods were and whenever we visited, would always have them on hand.

when we moved to niagara, my parents had built an in-law suite apartment in the basement for her to move in. my parents sold her gigantic st. catharines home and she moved in with us in 2007. my grandmother fell in love with my cat and the two became inseparable. she would take care of him, take him outside in the backyard, and fill in for me when i couldn't be with him.

in june of 2011, she left the house to watch me graduate from brock university with my bacherlor of arts degree. this was an amazing feat as she did not like to stray too far from home for very long. her usual stops were to the grocery store or bank for a short period of time.

when my brother and i moved out in 2011, the house was empty. shortly after this, my grandmother and my cat fell ill. perhaps the two of them, as old as they were, became stricken with grief of an empty house. we'll never quite know for sure.

when my parents returned home from ireland in october 2014, my grandmother told them she was having problems. this was a first. my family has a proven track record of never telling anyone that we are sick or assume that eventually, we'll get over whatever it is we have. she consistently told my parents she was fine until after they came home from ireland. she was probably not fine before they left.

soon after, nurses came in daily to spend time with my grandmother who wasn't eating and had no energy. she spent a lot of time in bed, maybe eating part of a meal the entire day. she grew thinner and thinner for an already very petite, very thin, very frail woman. in november 2014, the entire family got together as things were not looking well. my grandmother continued to refuse service from support workers and was on a handful of prescribed medication, making it difficult for my parents to take care of her. we all wished that things would get better and my grandmother never lost her can-do attitude. "maybe i will beat this yet", she uttered, several times throughout the month.

my parents were worried that my grandmother may not even recognize me, when i was home in november. the medication she was on made her very loopy and forgetful. but when she saw me, her eyes lit up. she knew exactly who i was. i'll always remember that smile. she told me how beautiful i looked and wished me all the best.

the night of december 23 was a very bad night. she was very ill and did not sleep the entire night. on the afternoon of december 24, the nurses came in and said she was doing alright. she even ate more than she normally does. but as soon as the nurses left, my grandmother took a turn for the worst. within about an hour of me arriving home for the holidays, i took one last look at my grandmother and that was the end. it was sudden and nobody was prepared for it. the nurses didn't even believe it at first.

when it was all over, i took one final look at her, in bed, at peace. she did it on her own terms. she realized she finally needed help as she wasn't able to get out of bed on her own or walk without assistance. mentally, i think she knew it was time.

the funeral and church service are scheduled for monday morning. 

RIP Grandma
January 5, 1922 - December 24, 2014

thank you for everything.

pilot project

my education has been an ongoing series of pilot projects over the course of seven years.

i'm not kidding.

1) brock life 

i started university at 17. my interests after high school included english/writing, environment/sustainability, and general activism. no doubt, all of these things made me decide that going into hearing sciences made the mot sense (did you catch the sarcasm? good.) hearing sciences at brock was going to end with a BA in humanities. because a "science" program was humanities. what else does brock list as programs under the faculty of humanities? classics, english, philosophy, music, drama, history, liberal arts, visual arts, canadian studies... and so on. yep. still makes perfect sense.

hearing sciences required physics, biology, and chemistry. i took biology in summer school in high school. i'm awful with numbers. of course, i struggled. i excelled at my linguistics courses but failed both physics and biology. i didn't have to take chemistry until second year of the program, if i made it that far. i could change into speech and language sciences instead (it's similar but without the "science" component), but i didn't like that idea. i didn't even like what my supposed end result was going to be for hearing sciences. so, upon the end of my first year (being at least 2 courses behind), i changed my major to a program that had just started the same year i entered university: tourism and environment.

tourism and environment (TREN) was a social science. i heard about the program from a guy i met, drunk on residence one night. he only had good things to say about it. i had the ability to choose core courses and electives, of which i made an attempt to minor in writing, but the shortage of courses in writing made that nearly impossible. TREN really caught my eye. the professors stood out and the department was small. by my fourth year in university, i had grades high enough to embark on a study abroad program to new zealand with 8 other TREN folks. we got lucky that year, as the shortage of core courses for TREN and professors to teach them were the worst they had ever been so far in the program. i gained the allotted amount of courses needed for the year while in new zealand for 3 1/2 months (which didn't come cheap.. but was well worth it).

in my fifth and final year of TREN, i wrote a research project with 3 other TREN folks which received attention on all levels. not only did we end with one of the highest grades ever given in the research course, but the praise and encouragement from our department and professors was unreal. talks about publishing in journals were underway. the TREN department offered all graduating students to give feedback on where the program needed to improve for the future. if only they had done this in the beginning or halfway through so we could have changed everything we didn't like.

i decided i was going to apply to masters programs. my research project advisor (the one who gave us the grade) kept telling me he wouldn't write me a reference letter for my application to a masters because my "grades weren't good enough." well, fuck. so, i applied to a few post-graduates at colleges that had something to do with the environment. and in september 2011, i was toronto bound.

2) seneca, round 1 

i got into a post-graduate certificate program called project management - environmental (PME). it was only in it's second or third year when i started. i was stoked because it had an internship and the majority of my classmates didn't have any work experience, like me. but, if you've been keeping up with this blog at all, you'll know how much i struggled with such an unorganized program and terrible professors. i learned some stuff but i'm still unaware of how it will benefit me in the long run. this runs true when one of the people interviewing me last year was concerned that i was trying to steal his job, being that i had the education to be a "project manager." sigh. yes, i'm gonna take your job with no work experience. THEY TOOK YER JOB!

a classmate in PME told me about the program she was in last year, called green business management (GBM). it was also a post-graduate certificate. when i looked into it, it definitely had more of a sustainability and environment focus rather than PME - which seemed to focus on... service? civil? government? law? actually, i have no idea what PME was centred around. i think that kind of sums up the entire program, right there. confused. the department offered us a chance to give feedback on the program and where to improve. and oh, we gave it.

i applied to GBM and got in right away. i hoped that i wouldn't have to return to school in september 2012 and that i'd get some job for at least the summer of 2012. that didn't happen, so back to seneca i went.

3) seneca, round 2

i hoped things would be different. they weren't. i quickly realized that it wasn't exactly the department or faculty's fault for having terrible programs; it was seneca not actually caring about their graduate students. GBM was only in it's third or fourth year when i started. again, my classmates were in the program to gain real-world work experience through the internship. and fuck, we all know how that's turning out. i'll give you a hint: it's not well. it seems as though most days after class ends, my program gets together and bitches about all the things that went wrong and things that need to change in the short and long-term. there are five weeks left in the program, and most of my classmates still sit there with a confused look on their face, wondering what it is that these professors are trying to teach.

i'll admit that there are 2-3 professors that i highly enjoy and make their classes a wonderful learning environment. and yes, they are much better than the shit i had to deal with in PME. but there are still so many things that need to be improved. when i looked online at the newly improved PME program this year, there were a few course changes. but when talking to current PME students, it seems that most of them are still facing similar challenges as my year did.

7 years of post-secondary education. 3 different programs running as supposed pilot projects. i finish GBM in 5 weeks. i'm tired of school and i'm tired of offering feedback on how things would be better.

somebody hire me so i can get out of this school bubble and start the real world. 

what if

sometimes i wonder if i made the right choice.

i guess it really wasn't my choice to make. with the rejection from niagara and that being the only school i applied to for a post-grad, i was scrambling for something better. but it made me wonder and showed that it was almost fate that i didn't get in.

let's face it: 8 months at niagara would mean 8 more months of living at home and i definitely would not have been able to stand that. i doubt i would be learning anything about project management or getting 100% on assignments (okay, i don't know about the latter). still, i love every aspect of city life. the nightlife, the closeness, the transportation, the friends, the accessibility, and being on my own for sure rules.

i just imagine how things would be different if i didn't scramble to apply to seneca and get in -- even though it wasn't exactly what i wanted. but it's now shaping up to be something that could be beneficial to me in the long run.

i realized how different college life and university life are -- both through the atmosphere and the teaching/grading styles. yes, i'm post-grad, but fuck, if it's 8am and i just got up at 6am, i should have every right to show up in trackpants. fuck all of you for thinking otherwise. and the midterms. oh god, the midterms. i've written 4 so far with a 5th tomorrow. i fucking hate midterms. i didn't have any in my final year of university; i think the last time was in my 4th year. oh yeah, and what happened on that midterm? i scored 100% on short answer and essay questions. yeah. it was a good way to end my university midterm career. this also goes with final exams too --  i only had one final exam in my last year at brock and i did quite well.

i guess i'm just not a fan of testing. my memory, she ain't what she used to be and i find myself blanking on questions i should know... but don't. i prefer writing papers in order to collect my thoughts and ideas and apply them accordingly -- 'cause hell, i can express myself and argue my opinions pretty well! this seems no different in the marks i get from papers/reports/assignments so far. but, even my test scores are turning around. it's all just a matter of my focus at the time. if my mind is elsewhere (and it tends to be), i'm gonna do terrible. but if it's not, i'll more than likely be successful. hell week and a half is winding down to a close tomorrow and it's pretty much smooth sailing with only a few assignments to complete before final exams.

this seneca post-grad or a niagara post-grad was not what i intended. it's no applied master's, but it's going to have to work out.. for now. i just don't enjoy this all theory with no action thing. i want action with less theory!

a long week

i had the weekend off and started back at embassy monday morning working until saturday morning. 6 shifts.

over the weekend, i relaxed and threw a party. i had fun and that's really all that matters in the long run. monday, tuesday, and wednesday, i was back working cutlery. thursday, i started earlier and was on toast for my second time ever. i guess the kid who's normally on toast was off that day. i can't say i enjoy doing it but it was okay for a change. friday, i stocked the cold buffet.

i asked for saturdays off from embassy as i talked to sport chek and they said if i can get saturdays off, they would try to schedule me for a shift on that day. unfortunately, i wasn't on the schedule at all for sport chek this week and i couldn't understand why. but i had told embassy i was working there on saturday. on wednesday, a manager asked if i could come in early on saturday for 3 hours. i agreed even though i really didn't want to -- but my terms were that i could be guaranteed the sunday off, which i did receive. by the time this morning rolled around, embassy forgot i was even coming in this morning and i just helped out where i could/sweep etc.

i had a bit of an awkward encounter with a dude at work but hopefully we can move on from it. it will be interesting to see what happens in the next few weeks and where the rumour ends up by the time i leave, but perhaps it has already hit its peak for now. i also went to brock this week and picked up my thesis finally that's all nicely bound and printed, and spent my $10 gift card from the bookstore on a sweet canteen.

i got my timetable from seneca finally! but it's not that awesome. 
mondays i have 3 classes: 10:45am-11:35am, 1:30pm-3:15pm, and 4:15pm-6:55pm.
tuesdays i have 1 class: 8:00am-9:45am which is a such a long hike for just one class.
wednesdays i have 2 classes: 8:00am-9:45am and 11:40am-1:25pm.
thursdays i have off which i'm stoked about.
fridays i have 3 classes: 10:45am-12:30pm, 12:35pm-2:20pm, and 2:25pm-3:15pm, but hopefully the last one is just going to be online like it says.
i essentially have about a 45 minute commute to school everyday.. which means for my 8ams, i'll have to leave my apartment by 7am. not looking forward to that at all.

i've started to look into furniture and things we need for the apartment and so has corey; he moves in on monday and is super stoked. next week, i only work 3 shifts at embassy which is good since i'm exhausted from this week already. i have tomorrow off to play squash. hang out, and maybe check out buskerfest. i have thursday and friday off as i'm supposed to go to peterborough to see my brother but i may bail on that if i have to work at sport chek or might go to toronto or do something else cool.