the girlfriend gene

i probably don't say it enough, but i'm so thankful for my family.

my parents are amazing people who have been able to handle me both at my best and at my worst with unconditional love. they give me hope when i feel like i have none. i can say the same thing about my brother who, as of the past few years, has been a major influence in my life. watching us grow up from disliking each other entirely to becoming as close as we are now has essentially shaped the girl i am over the last five years.

i've talked about how my brother and i are very similar in both personality and stature, but we also deal with romantic endeavors the same way. now, you might think it's weird that we do, but you have to understand that although my parents have been happily married for 32 (!!!) years now, i can't say that anyone else in my family or extended family has been that lucky. my half sister was only recently married a few years ago and things aren't great for her. my one half brother doesn't seem like the kind of dude that can even talk to girls. my other half brother married a, for lack of a better term, a slut, way too early and divorced. his kid (my nephew) is only growing up totally fucked because of it, but i love the kid. my brother's relationships have a tendency to end shitty, if you can call some of them relationships. and then there's me.

yesterday, while at the bar watching the jays game, i asked about my brother's.. kind of.. sort of.. not really girlfriend. things were not well. he went on to tell me about some other girl problems in his life and the only conclusion we could make of it was that the both of us only seem to be attracted to people with problems. while that's probably true for him, i don't believe it is for me.

since i moved to toronto, i've engaged in only one form of relationship: polyamory. and i've said it before: gone are the days when one person can give me everything i need. it's not a race to see how many dudes i can fuck (contrary to the film nymphomaniac) in that my desire to be with different dudes is not always sexual. but even if you take away all of the issues i have with commitment and intimacy, i bet i still wouldn't have the girlfriend gene, or be girlfriend material.

this is just the way it has always been. despite multiple times in my life where i know i've only wanted to be with one dude, that's not how it works. i can never express how i want things to be because it scares me too much. but, let's face it, the few times when i was forced into girlfriendism, or girlfrienditis, if you will, i was not in favour of either. in these situations, i didn't have a choice. and the right choice was to not go that route. however, with forced girlfriendism, it's always the wrong choice and part of the reason why i continue to engage in polyamory.

i've discussed this issue in great detail with several friends over the past couple weeks. one of who told me that the girl he's been dating for awhile now seems like total girlfriend material, but his words to me were that he's "just not feeling it." another, who continues to keep in contact with an ex and occasionally fuck, even though the two of them (and the entire world) knows that they shouldn't. and yet another, who has switched gears entirely and no longer wants to just fuck around with anyone, but rather, date. and i mean, maybe we're just getting to that age when relationships change to, what i can only hope, is for the better.

but when you lack a girlfriend gene, it's difficult to know when something will come along. as things started off quite slow with a dude i was starting to really enjoy spending time with, eventually, he told me he wasn't having any of it. this can also be said for a dude i had hung out with a couple of times who, upon the next time, decided to tell me he wasn't looking for a relationship. that's all well and good, but when did i ever express an interest in starting a relationship with you? it's almost like a slap in the face. "hey, i know we're hanging out and having a good time but i'm not interested in doing stuff... even though i'm not sure if that's what you want to do or not yet"  yeah? well, that's nice.

what i don't think i'll ever know is what about me screams these things to dudes. when did i ever send you a vibe that i wanted to date you? that time i said  you were attractive? that time i flirted with you? don't flatter yourself. not to ruin nymphomaniac for anyone, but there's a scene i definitely identified with that needs to be talked about here.

in the scene, it shows the leading lady in various cut scenes having sex, 1 on 1, with a dude, and achieving an orgasm. in the cut scenes that follow the sex, she pillow talks and gives the exact same line to every dude she just had an orgasm with: "i don't know if it means anything, but i've never had an orgasm before; you're my first."

no, i haven't said anything quite like this before, but the fact that she says it to every dude is something i know i've done before. not about achieving an orgasm (because yes, i've had more than one) but just in general, my damn flirty nature. i don't use the same lines but i feel as though it can confuse the dudes i'm with, especially if i'm flirty and don't want anything sexual.

maybe as i continue to grow up, i'll somehow fall into this girlfriend gene. if not for me, but for at least my parents' sake of seeing their daughter settle down with the right dude someday.

say this sooner

i think about things a lot.

no, i'm not talking about those girly thoughts, making up every worst case scenario based on whatever is currently happening; but just things in general. self-improvement. self-awareness. things i can do to make myself more happy and more content, if i'm truly the decider of my fate.

i think about what it would've been like if i didn't leave new zealand. i think about where i'd be if i hadn't participated in numerous dudes' infidelity. i think about how i would have felt if one of those had actually happened, rather than coming to my senses and realizing that it wasn't who i wanted to be. i think about where i'd be if i didn't move to toronto, if i didn't spend two years in grad school, and two years searching for a job. i just wonder how things could have turned out, sometimes, had i went with the other decision. even for minimal things.

and as a way for me to grow up and continue my own self-awareness, i'm going to share two things about me that i feel like people in my life should know, if they don't know already.

1) it's extremely difficult for me to "open up" 

if you've been following me along in this blog adventure for quite some time, you might notice that each post kind of dives a bit deeper into various topics. originally, this blog was intended to help me with my post-graduation job search and keep me busy out of boredom. i've always had a passion for writing and it keeps me sane. in more ways than one, this blog has been my outlet for whatever is bothering me and i'm continuously reminded that, once i finish a blog post, i immediately feel better about the issue at hand and (normally) come up with a plausible solution.

i can count on one hand, the amount of people i feel i've shared myself with. this is nobody's fault but my own. this has nothing to do with a trust issue. this has nothing to do with my social and friendly demeanor. this is just how i interact with people. if i'm not comfortable with a person, i'm not going to open up with them as much as i should. this part kills me every time - because i can read people extremely well. i know who i can be friends with, within about twenty seconds of meeting them. i know who will last and who won't. i'm quite aware of people who take advantage of my generous nature and disappear in my time of need.

not being able to open up makes it easier for me to have a "professional" side and a, for lack of a better term, an "amber" side. it's always been this way throughout my jobs. there's only been two times where both aspects of myself were combined in a job setting. and that's either because i grew close to someone while working or ended up secretly dating a coworker for nearly the entirety of the position. but - to put the latter into perspective - even though i was with that dude for over a year (despite hardships, resentment, and anger), i barely shared myself with him at all. and that's probably due to the fact that i knew he was wrong for me and we would never last. and also that he told me he loved me like two months into fucking.

let that be a lesson to any potential dudes out there: if you tell me you love me and i'm not ready for it (i, uh, never have been before and have never said it back.. to anyone), it's not going to go over very well. and those words are going to be stuck in my head forever. and you'll probably make me never want to hear them again.

but, if you really want me to share myself with you, i'll give it a shot. as long as i know what i see in you. i've got some crazy stories locked up that are pretty amazing.

2) i dream. a lot. 

before you ask, yes, i've likely had a dream of you and yes, at one point (or another) it was probably sexual. this happens a lot, with people i know and people i don't. i dream about everything and everyone i've ever met as well as those people i've never actually met yet.

if i do dream of you in a sexual way and remember it, it stays in my head for days, weeks, months, years.. depending on how good it was. and i might act a little strange around you for awhile. but not all of my dreams are sexual, i assure you. i dream about my teeth falling out, about having to go back to high school, missing deadlines, work stuff, people i care about getting hurt, and occasionally, me getting hurt. i've died in a dream once - or what i'm sure was meant to be me dying. i woke up immediately after i died. i dream about throwing up or other people throwing up around me and i wake up feeling extremely nauseous. a few days before my hospital visit for a kidney infection, i had a dream i went to the doctor and they told me i had a "self-inflicted STD" -- whatever that means. i guess i should listen to my dreams sometimes.

i dream about people i've never met but interacted with. these dreams are usually vivid and have strange things happening in them. i dream about twitter. i dream about texting. i dream about exes. i dream about potential dudes and exes getting into fights somehow. i dream about fucking my ex and 2 of his roommates (though, not together). i dream in colour. if i'm outside in a dream, there's normally snow on the ground. for months, i had a dream about one of my twitter followers of which i've never actually met. but i never told him about it because it would be weird.

although not nearly as bad as JD, my mind occasionally day dreams, too. this is usually when my mind wanders after a sexy dream i remembered and it's all i can think about for most of the next day. all those times where i've just stopped what i was doing and kind of gaze off and don't answer? yeah, believe me - i'm somewhere i don't ever want to come back from.

so, there you have it. i've shared two things and i'm content. this might be a new, ongoing blog post theme. because i can. and there's plenty more where that came from.