thanksgiving,1988: my mom has an appointment for an ultrasound to check on her baby's development, 7 months into pregnancy. she finishes the appointment and makes an attempt to leave the hospital, but i wasn't having any part of that.
sometime later in the evening, i was born, weighing in at barely 4 pounds. the doctors immediately stuck me in an incubator and told my parents that due to the complicated nature of the fact that i was overly premature and most of my body wasn't quite right, i wouldn't be able to leave the hospital for awhile. they weren't even entirely sure i would survive. they weren't sure how i would grow up.
i progressed through the first few years of school as a problem child who refused to do anything i didn't consider fun. i was enrolled in a ukrainian boarding school where i couldn't stand ukrainian class. eventually, my parents took me out of that school and into a regular public school. but once i had applied myself, the faculty soon realized that i was too smart for my own good. now i was being bullied for being a small, skinny kid who was also really smart.
i wasn't sure why this kept happening. it wasn't my fault that i was skinny or intelligent. i ate as much as the next kid but never gained any weight. my parents had taught me how to eat healthy and it stuck with me because when i started eating like shit, i felt like shit. it was easy to see the connection that healthy food = a healthy, alive amber.
several schools approached me to enroll in gifted programs and instead, my parents decided to move to a remote area and let my brother and i grow up there. the public school gave me a gifted test and put me in different classes even though i had expressed no interest in those classes. as i got older, i kept trying to hide how skinny i was in loose fitting clothes. having to change for gym class and noticing that all of the other girls were much bigger than me was intimidating. i would once again be bullied for being small, even though i had a way with words to get out of almost any situation.
this continued to happen despite me never commenting on any other body but my own. am i supposed to be your size? am i not supposed to be wearing kid's sized clothes in grade 9? are you not supposed to be able to see my hips, collar bone, and ribs protrude out of my skin? well, i'm sorry. but that's just how it's always going to be. and if that meant a life of loneliness and constant bullying, i didn't care. the optimist in my knew that someday things would change.
i spent my teenage years with the same issues; people would shame me for being skinny and others would tell me that they'd kill for my body. let's just say that skinny shaming always outweighed the positive aspect. and over the last five years, i've been able to "put on weight" - where my hips and ribs weren't nearly as noticeable protruding out of my body. but i could just as easily take it off if i exercised or became sick.
at 5'6", a normal BMI should be anywhere from 118lbs to 130lbs. i can't ever recall a time where i came anywhere close to the 130 mark. even today, i still get skinny shamed. i get close friends telling me that i'll "never be able to finish that" or that i've "eaten a lot" - phrases that continuously irk me in numerous ways. in grade 10, i weighed 115lbs. a decade later, i weigh in at about 118lbs and that's after i had a life-threatening illness.
i keep seeing articles every day over the last little while where fashion magazines and photos are actually photoshopping women's bodies to be less skinny. less bony. more "normal" looking. we're shamed for being overweight, for being normal looking, and for being skinny. most of which is thrust upon us and cannot be changed without determination. there's issues for having a thigh gap. there's memes of hot dog legs and bikini bridges. society will always find something wrong with your body and i think that's totally fucked up.
my brother and i have been roughly the same size all our lives and yet, because he's a dude, he doesn't get the same kind of skinny shaming i have experienced. dudes have it a little easier but i'm not saying it's any better.
from what i've been through, i'm just happy to be alive.
love your body because it's the only one you have.
Jan 15, 2014
Jan 9, 2014
fear of intimacy
i'm watching season 2 of the simpsons and in one fish, two fish, blowfish, blue fish, homer eats a poisonous part of a fish and is given 24 (no.. 22) hours to live. on his list of things to do, he makes one of the top (but very end of his list) items to "be intamit with marge"...
and the more that i think about it, the more i'm developing anxiety over intimacy and sex. not at all related to my commitment phobia, but rather, the belief that consenting to any dude touching me is just going to make me sick.
i'm afraid that every doctor i've seen in nearly six months is overlooking something huge. the symptoms i began to experience in may seemed to be directly correlated to someone i was seeing at the time. although this dude did not last very long in my life (for good reason), i also knew next to nothing about him, as things like that were never discussed. his previous partners, his previous sexual experiences and encounters, as well as the last time he was tested, were never something we talked about.
but this was not the first time i had gotten myself into this kind of situation and foolishly expected nothing to come from it. i hadn't been this careless in a long time but since i knew it wasn't going to last, i tried to enjoy it while it did. in fact, i hardly ever have this conversation with any of the dudes i'm seeing unless things get lengthy or we've acknowledged that this is not a monogamous relationship. and now that i'm getting older, i suppose it's getting to a time where this should be one of the main things discussed before becoming intimate.
the main problem i face while going through this illness is that my commitment issues are running wild in more than just my love life. i'm having trouble committing to hanging out with friends or going out and doing things on my own for the fear of never knowing what kind of shape i'll be in at any hour of the day. this becomes even more difficult when prospective dudes and new friends want to hang out. this is even worse should i be required to meet a potential employer for a face-to-face interview.
there's only so many times where i can bail on friends before i turn into that flaky friend which i have never wanted to be. think about how hard it is from my point of view - from someone who thrives on social interaction - and due to my health, cannot be bothered to leave my apartment because i feel like absolute shit. what i don't want at this point is to start a new relationship with a dude and have to bring him into all of my health problems. i don't want anyone to have to deal with this that isn't me.
i just want to be cured and i don't want the cure to be me on antibiotics every month for the rest of my life.
and the more that i think about it, the more i'm developing anxiety over intimacy and sex. not at all related to my commitment phobia, but rather, the belief that consenting to any dude touching me is just going to make me sick.
i'm afraid that every doctor i've seen in nearly six months is overlooking something huge. the symptoms i began to experience in may seemed to be directly correlated to someone i was seeing at the time. although this dude did not last very long in my life (for good reason), i also knew next to nothing about him, as things like that were never discussed. his previous partners, his previous sexual experiences and encounters, as well as the last time he was tested, were never something we talked about.
but this was not the first time i had gotten myself into this kind of situation and foolishly expected nothing to come from it. i hadn't been this careless in a long time but since i knew it wasn't going to last, i tried to enjoy it while it did. in fact, i hardly ever have this conversation with any of the dudes i'm seeing unless things get lengthy or we've acknowledged that this is not a monogamous relationship. and now that i'm getting older, i suppose it's getting to a time where this should be one of the main things discussed before becoming intimate.
the main problem i face while going through this illness is that my commitment issues are running wild in more than just my love life. i'm having trouble committing to hanging out with friends or going out and doing things on my own for the fear of never knowing what kind of shape i'll be in at any hour of the day. this becomes even more difficult when prospective dudes and new friends want to hang out. this is even worse should i be required to meet a potential employer for a face-to-face interview.
there's only so many times where i can bail on friends before i turn into that flaky friend which i have never wanted to be. think about how hard it is from my point of view - from someone who thrives on social interaction - and due to my health, cannot be bothered to leave my apartment because i feel like absolute shit. what i don't want at this point is to start a new relationship with a dude and have to bring him into all of my health problems. i don't want anyone to have to deal with this that isn't me.
i just want to be cured and i don't want the cure to be me on antibiotics every month for the rest of my life.
Jan 2, 2014
new year, old dicks
it's pretty rare for me to stay friends with an ex.. or barely an ex.
i'm always really confused when other people in my life seem to do it easily. but then again, i'm just as confused when people break up and continue to fool around with that person. i mean, because, you broke up for a reason, right? it wasn't working? then you probably shouldn't be fucking each other.
yes, there's maybe a handful of dudes i've fooled around with in the past that i'm still friends with. but that was always after a very long time of not seeing them once things ended. the longer i hold off on seeing someone, the easier it is to forget the feelings i may have once had. sometimes, it actually doesn't take very long when i realize that i didn't have any feelings at all and want to continue to be that dude's friend. but again, it's rare. i can count two in the last seven years. both of which it didn't take too long for me to know we're better off as friends than anything more. and i know they feel the same.
i suppose things get much worse when you're living with the person you broke up with. and then i wonder why people get into relationships and commitment as quick as they do before they realize the crushing disappointment that will eventually come with it, sooner or later.
that's something i could never do for him. and it's what he wanted. he wanted a live-in girlfriend. someone who would be there when he came home from work. someone who would make him dinner. someone who would always be around. but i made it clear to him in the very beginning that wasn't who i was and it would never be. i was not going to be his mother. but that's what he wanted and he found someone else willing to be his mother. willing to move in with him. willing to tell him that she loved him. willing to take countless pictures of the two of them together pretending to be happy, frame them, and put them up around the small, half-room they now shared. someone who was willing to change him into, what is supposedly, a better person. someone who would spend the money it costs to buy him a PS4, only to break up days later.
but you don't ever take an eye off of the one who kind of meant something to you once even though you weren't exactly officially dating. as much as i tried to remove him from my life entirely. and every time i saw something, it irked me just a little bit. until i finally stopped caring and knew getting out of it when i did was the best for me at the time, because he was willing to settle for less, then come crawling back days later once she rejected him the first time. and when i rejected him after listening to what he had to say to me to get me back (and me pretty much laughing at him for thinking we'd ever get back together), he went back to her and apparently she was also ready to settle.
and just over a year later, i get what seems to be the inevitable - a message from him on the same dating website where we met. where he has the nerve to ask me to get a drink. fuck that. fuck you. i remember telling him that at one point we might be able to be friends and i knew i was lying. for some reason, he thought we could someday. no. no we can't. please stay the fuck out of my life.
and days after that, i see another bizarre sighting on the same website. this time, it's the dude who picked me up from sneaky dee's that one night in october. where we lasted a few weeks and he continuously told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. and i kept telling him that wasn't what i wanted. but he seemed to know what he wanted and without warning, disappeared. legitimately.
i had almost forgotten about this one since it had just been this strange little blip in my dating history until i recently came across a blogTO article where he was featured and i recognized his name. well, at least he was having success in doing something he loved. and unfortunately, i made the mistake and made the message move. in which, i received a quick reply of him saying he wanted to message me but thought it would be weird. well, fuck. yes, it's fucking weird. then i made the even worse mistake of saying maybe to meeting up after he told me that he just ended a year long relationship.
uh, wait a minute - a year ago - uhhhhh A YEAR AGO THAT WAS US.
he disappeared on me for someone else. he then had the nerve to ask me if i was interested in hooking up. thankfully, i told him that wasn't the case and the texts have stopped.
2014: the year i stop dating and keep the past in the past.
but then, i don't know what the fuck i'd write about.
i'm always really confused when other people in my life seem to do it easily. but then again, i'm just as confused when people break up and continue to fool around with that person. i mean, because, you broke up for a reason, right? it wasn't working? then you probably shouldn't be fucking each other.
yes, there's maybe a handful of dudes i've fooled around with in the past that i'm still friends with. but that was always after a very long time of not seeing them once things ended. the longer i hold off on seeing someone, the easier it is to forget the feelings i may have once had. sometimes, it actually doesn't take very long when i realize that i didn't have any feelings at all and want to continue to be that dude's friend. but again, it's rare. i can count two in the last seven years. both of which it didn't take too long for me to know we're better off as friends than anything more. and i know they feel the same.
i suppose things get much worse when you're living with the person you broke up with. and then i wonder why people get into relationships and commitment as quick as they do before they realize the crushing disappointment that will eventually come with it, sooner or later.
that's something i could never do for him. and it's what he wanted. he wanted a live-in girlfriend. someone who would be there when he came home from work. someone who would make him dinner. someone who would always be around. but i made it clear to him in the very beginning that wasn't who i was and it would never be. i was not going to be his mother. but that's what he wanted and he found someone else willing to be his mother. willing to move in with him. willing to tell him that she loved him. willing to take countless pictures of the two of them together pretending to be happy, frame them, and put them up around the small, half-room they now shared. someone who was willing to change him into, what is supposedly, a better person. someone who would spend the money it costs to buy him a PS4, only to break up days later.
but you don't ever take an eye off of the one who kind of meant something to you once even though you weren't exactly officially dating. as much as i tried to remove him from my life entirely. and every time i saw something, it irked me just a little bit. until i finally stopped caring and knew getting out of it when i did was the best for me at the time, because he was willing to settle for less, then come crawling back days later once she rejected him the first time. and when i rejected him after listening to what he had to say to me to get me back (and me pretty much laughing at him for thinking we'd ever get back together), he went back to her and apparently she was also ready to settle.
and just over a year later, i get what seems to be the inevitable - a message from him on the same dating website where we met. where he has the nerve to ask me to get a drink. fuck that. fuck you. i remember telling him that at one point we might be able to be friends and i knew i was lying. for some reason, he thought we could someday. no. no we can't. please stay the fuck out of my life.
and days after that, i see another bizarre sighting on the same website. this time, it's the dude who picked me up from sneaky dee's that one night in october. where we lasted a few weeks and he continuously told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend. and i kept telling him that wasn't what i wanted. but he seemed to know what he wanted and without warning, disappeared. legitimately.
i had almost forgotten about this one since it had just been this strange little blip in my dating history until i recently came across a blogTO article where he was featured and i recognized his name. well, at least he was having success in doing something he loved. and unfortunately, i made the mistake and made the message move. in which, i received a quick reply of him saying he wanted to message me but thought it would be weird. well, fuck. yes, it's fucking weird. then i made the even worse mistake of saying maybe to meeting up after he told me that he just ended a year long relationship.
uh, wait a minute - a year ago - uhhhhh A YEAR AGO THAT WAS US.
he disappeared on me for someone else. he then had the nerve to ask me if i was interested in hooking up. thankfully, i told him that wasn't the case and the texts have stopped.
2014: the year i stop dating and keep the past in the past.
but then, i don't know what the fuck i'd write about.
Dec 23, 2013
the cheating curve
i wanted to write about how the cystoscopy went this week but i'm actually tired about writing about how terrible my health is and how there aren't any answers for me. the good news is that everything came back normal and they took another urine sample. they put me on 3 days of a new antibiotic to prevent any new infection from occurring and to kill off whatever infection remained.
in the meantime, i'm still waiting for complete feeling and mobility of my left leg and foot to come back entirely and not feel like constant pins and needles. i don't know why it ended up happening this way, but i am not impressed.
great. now let's go on to what is currently keeping me awake:
infidelity.
no, i'm not in a relationship. but i remember when i was. i remember when i was some dude's girlfriend, and i almost want to use that term loosely, since there was never a distinct indication of the time we seemed to go from coworkers to friends to out one night to walking me home to in my bed to seeing each other to wait, what, i'm now your girlfriend to uhhh i don't know how i feel about this to god only knows what.
and 3 months later, that's what it was. i was officially a girlfriend because i was told. i didn't have an opinion in the matter. and i guess you can say that's likely when it all started to go downhill and i realized we were totally wrong for each other. i started wandering off. i started hanging out with dudes where i knew something would happen, because it always did.
and right around this time, this dude, who i was the apparent girlfriend of, and we had been together for four months, decided to tell me that he was in love with me.
me.
he was in love with me.
you want a sure way to ruin everything? tell a commitaphobe 4 months into barely dating that you're in love with her. yeah, see how that goes.
i always had a sneaking suspicion that he was beginning to know what i was up to some nights when i went out. i was young. i wanted to go out and see my friends. he was a homebody. he wanted to see his friends. i hated his friends. i hated his family. i hated being with him. i hated how every other dude in my life made me feel better about myself - even if there wasn't anything between us at the time. i hated knowing that he told me he loved me and i didn't say anything back. and never did. i hated knowing that i was going to have to break up with him. but i couldn't. i was stubborn and he was in love. i knew he was the one that would have to break up with me in order for this to work out in my favour.
so, i started hanging out more with my friends. and he started hanging out more with some of his new friends. one of his classmates. a girl. a girl who was married and old and "ugly" - his words. he told me she was not his type. but i'm not even sure he knew who his type was. they would do lots of things together. and when time came for us to do the long distance thing, she brought him to see a jays game once and then i met up with them. it just seemed odd that this married woman was hanging out with this 22 year old dude. but as i was looking for a way out, i didn't care.
more months passed and then i got a text from him saying that some girl at a party kissed him. well, hey! here's my way out! except, fuck that. i knew i was better than breaking up with him over text. so, i let it slide. and kept doing what i was doing. i wasn't sleeping around but just keeping my options open. a few weeks later, i came home and was making every excuse not to see him. eventually, he was fed up and broke up with me through a text message. really, dude? uh, okay. you do that then. he obviously took it a lot harder than me (as they.. always tend to do.. i'm just heartless or something) and had to unfriend me on facebook and all that.
and from time to time, i'd lurk a profile or two. guess who he's dating now? that married girl. she might even still be married. i don't fucking know or care. it's just bizarre. and well, at least i know now that i had a right to be suspicious of them in the first place.
i say all of this because in the last year or so, i've been propositioned on more than one occasion to get with married/committed dudes. all with psycho wives/girlfriends. talking to them is one thing. sexting is another. but i don't see what i'm doing or what they're doing as wrong or cheating. it was only when i physically kissed other dudes - that was my line drawn on the cheating curve. yes, i talked. yes, i flirted. yes, i wanted it all. but until there was something physical, i was convinced i was never in the wrong. and currently. this is sort of how i continue to feel about the opportunities i'm presented with.
some have been going on for a year. some come and go in monthly intervals or when i'm mostly just feeling down. some i've even turned down because i don't want to get involved. i'm all for open marriages and open relationships. i'm all for primary partners and polygamy. i've been there. i've done that. and actually, it's kind of nice. gone are the days when one person can give the other what they need. but any of the ones i've been involved with have yet to become physical. in fact, it gets a little hard to believe when a much older, married man, tries to explain to me how much he cares for me. that isn't what i signed up for. and it doesn't necessarily make me feel better about myself when a sketchy, old, married man with kids is saying these things to me.
i'm not a naive girl. and it's because i tend to get myself into these situations over and over again that i know when and how to get out of them. participating in someone else's infidelity is not my fault.
i only wish i knew that earlier.
in the meantime, i'm still waiting for complete feeling and mobility of my left leg and foot to come back entirely and not feel like constant pins and needles. i don't know why it ended up happening this way, but i am not impressed.
great. now let's go on to what is currently keeping me awake:
infidelity.
no, i'm not in a relationship. but i remember when i was. i remember when i was some dude's girlfriend, and i almost want to use that term loosely, since there was never a distinct indication of the time we seemed to go from coworkers to friends to out one night to walking me home to in my bed to seeing each other to wait, what, i'm now your girlfriend to uhhh i don't know how i feel about this to god only knows what.
and 3 months later, that's what it was. i was officially a girlfriend because i was told. i didn't have an opinion in the matter. and i guess you can say that's likely when it all started to go downhill and i realized we were totally wrong for each other. i started wandering off. i started hanging out with dudes where i knew something would happen, because it always did.
and right around this time, this dude, who i was the apparent girlfriend of, and we had been together for four months, decided to tell me that he was in love with me.
me.
he was in love with me.
you want a sure way to ruin everything? tell a commitaphobe 4 months into barely dating that you're in love with her. yeah, see how that goes.
i always had a sneaking suspicion that he was beginning to know what i was up to some nights when i went out. i was young. i wanted to go out and see my friends. he was a homebody. he wanted to see his friends. i hated his friends. i hated his family. i hated being with him. i hated how every other dude in my life made me feel better about myself - even if there wasn't anything between us at the time. i hated knowing that he told me he loved me and i didn't say anything back. and never did. i hated knowing that i was going to have to break up with him. but i couldn't. i was stubborn and he was in love. i knew he was the one that would have to break up with me in order for this to work out in my favour.
so, i started hanging out more with my friends. and he started hanging out more with some of his new friends. one of his classmates. a girl. a girl who was married and old and "ugly" - his words. he told me she was not his type. but i'm not even sure he knew who his type was. they would do lots of things together. and when time came for us to do the long distance thing, she brought him to see a jays game once and then i met up with them. it just seemed odd that this married woman was hanging out with this 22 year old dude. but as i was looking for a way out, i didn't care.
more months passed and then i got a text from him saying that some girl at a party kissed him. well, hey! here's my way out! except, fuck that. i knew i was better than breaking up with him over text. so, i let it slide. and kept doing what i was doing. i wasn't sleeping around but just keeping my options open. a few weeks later, i came home and was making every excuse not to see him. eventually, he was fed up and broke up with me through a text message. really, dude? uh, okay. you do that then. he obviously took it a lot harder than me (as they.. always tend to do.. i'm just heartless or something) and had to unfriend me on facebook and all that.
and from time to time, i'd lurk a profile or two. guess who he's dating now? that married girl. she might even still be married. i don't fucking know or care. it's just bizarre. and well, at least i know now that i had a right to be suspicious of them in the first place.
i say all of this because in the last year or so, i've been propositioned on more than one occasion to get with married/committed dudes. all with psycho wives/girlfriends. talking to them is one thing. sexting is another. but i don't see what i'm doing or what they're doing as wrong or cheating. it was only when i physically kissed other dudes - that was my line drawn on the cheating curve. yes, i talked. yes, i flirted. yes, i wanted it all. but until there was something physical, i was convinced i was never in the wrong. and currently. this is sort of how i continue to feel about the opportunities i'm presented with.
some have been going on for a year. some come and go in monthly intervals or when i'm mostly just feeling down. some i've even turned down because i don't want to get involved. i'm all for open marriages and open relationships. i'm all for primary partners and polygamy. i've been there. i've done that. and actually, it's kind of nice. gone are the days when one person can give the other what they need. but any of the ones i've been involved with have yet to become physical. in fact, it gets a little hard to believe when a much older, married man, tries to explain to me how much he cares for me. that isn't what i signed up for. and it doesn't necessarily make me feel better about myself when a sketchy, old, married man with kids is saying these things to me.
i'm not a naive girl. and it's because i tend to get myself into these situations over and over again that i know when and how to get out of them. participating in someone else's infidelity is not my fault.
i only wish i knew that earlier.
Dec 14, 2013
a hospital visit i won't soon forget
i was supposed to have that cystoscopy on thursday. i was terrified.
i remained cautiously optimistic in the fact that i was told they would give me a sedative or anaesthetic to help me relax. i was told it would be no more invasive than a pap smear. and well, that's fine, but i've never had one of those either. needless to say, i was pretty damn nervous to have my who-ha exposed and on display for the first time.
then, they told me i wasn't able to have a sedative or anaesthetic. they told me they don't do that. uhh, wait a minute. the secretary who booked my appointment said i could have drugs if i wanted them. and now you're telling me i can't? okay. well. uhm. let's give it a shot then. the nurse told me i wouldn't be able to feel much and it would be "just a pinch" - i'm a little relieved until she starts prepping me.
HELLO LADY?! THAT IS NOT A PINCH. THAT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE RIPPING APART MY FUCKING VAGINA DEAR GOD STOP. i was crying and yelling and screaming. and all they had done was put some freezing gel on me.
yeah, so, that didn't go well. they didn't even try to go through with the procedure. and that's for the best. after i had regained my composure a bit, i talked to the urologist who ordered me some anaesthetic for next time and set up another appointment for next wednesday.
to get this anaesthetic, i had to go see a doctor at the walk-in clinic and get him to examine me, make sure i'm healthy, and sign off on the form to knock me out. guess who the doctor is? the one i fucking can't stand. the one who put me on the antibiotic that gave me c diff. the one that belittles me every chance he gets.
i calmly and politely discussed with him why i'm getting the cystoscopy and the instructions i was given to tell the doctor to ensure all the paperwork goes through. he then passively-aggressively mentions that i need to stop telling him how to do his job. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! this is MY body. this is what the UROLOGIST PERFORMING THE PROCEDURE WANTS AND IT'S DIFFERENT THAN THE NORMAL FORMS YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT, ASSHOLE.
he quickly runs through my physical, asking me when was the last time i had a physical done. i don't remember. he laughs. he then asks if my weight and height on the form are accurate, even though i had just estimated. again, he laughs inappropriately and i ask if i could weigh myself. without mentioning that he's finished examining me, he goes to leave the room. i ask if i'm supposed to bring all of my stuff and if we're done. he says "yes, we're done here" - DUDE. TELL ME THAT THEN. DON'T WANDER OFF IN A HUFF. YOU'RE A FUCKING DOCTOR. COMMUNICATE WITH ME.
i want to mention that when i saw this doctor days before i was hospitalized the second time and when he had prescribed me the second antibiotic, he asked me if i had sex in the last few months. i told him no, because i haven't. and that's the story i've been telling every doctor i had met over the past couple months. why would i lie? well, for some reason, this doctor seemed convinced i was lying to him and again, laughed at me, almost implying that i was a whore.
a nurse weighs me and i weigh in at 118 pounds. the doctor then tells me that i was "close" as i had written down 120 on the form. he either thought i was fatter than 120 or skinnier than 120... and it's probably the fatter one, knowing this guy. even the secretary at the urologist's office looked at me, as i was completely bundled up for the cold weather and said, "you look like you're about 110 and much taller than 5'6"
i just want to get this test over with finally so they can tell me why i keep getting these recurring infections for no reason. wednesday needs to get here faster.
i remained cautiously optimistic in the fact that i was told they would give me a sedative or anaesthetic to help me relax. i was told it would be no more invasive than a pap smear. and well, that's fine, but i've never had one of those either. needless to say, i was pretty damn nervous to have my who-ha exposed and on display for the first time.
then, they told me i wasn't able to have a sedative or anaesthetic. they told me they don't do that. uhh, wait a minute. the secretary who booked my appointment said i could have drugs if i wanted them. and now you're telling me i can't? okay. well. uhm. let's give it a shot then. the nurse told me i wouldn't be able to feel much and it would be "just a pinch" - i'm a little relieved until she starts prepping me.
HELLO LADY?! THAT IS NOT A PINCH. THAT FEELS LIKE YOU'RE RIPPING APART MY FUCKING VAGINA DEAR GOD STOP. i was crying and yelling and screaming. and all they had done was put some freezing gel on me.
yeah, so, that didn't go well. they didn't even try to go through with the procedure. and that's for the best. after i had regained my composure a bit, i talked to the urologist who ordered me some anaesthetic for next time and set up another appointment for next wednesday.
to get this anaesthetic, i had to go see a doctor at the walk-in clinic and get him to examine me, make sure i'm healthy, and sign off on the form to knock me out. guess who the doctor is? the one i fucking can't stand. the one who put me on the antibiotic that gave me c diff. the one that belittles me every chance he gets.
i calmly and politely discussed with him why i'm getting the cystoscopy and the instructions i was given to tell the doctor to ensure all the paperwork goes through. he then passively-aggressively mentions that i need to stop telling him how to do his job. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?! this is MY body. this is what the UROLOGIST PERFORMING THE PROCEDURE WANTS AND IT'S DIFFERENT THAN THE NORMAL FORMS YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT, ASSHOLE.
he quickly runs through my physical, asking me when was the last time i had a physical done. i don't remember. he laughs. he then asks if my weight and height on the form are accurate, even though i had just estimated. again, he laughs inappropriately and i ask if i could weigh myself. without mentioning that he's finished examining me, he goes to leave the room. i ask if i'm supposed to bring all of my stuff and if we're done. he says "yes, we're done here" - DUDE. TELL ME THAT THEN. DON'T WANDER OFF IN A HUFF. YOU'RE A FUCKING DOCTOR. COMMUNICATE WITH ME.
i want to mention that when i saw this doctor days before i was hospitalized the second time and when he had prescribed me the second antibiotic, he asked me if i had sex in the last few months. i told him no, because i haven't. and that's the story i've been telling every doctor i had met over the past couple months. why would i lie? well, for some reason, this doctor seemed convinced i was lying to him and again, laughed at me, almost implying that i was a whore.
a nurse weighs me and i weigh in at 118 pounds. the doctor then tells me that i was "close" as i had written down 120 on the form. he either thought i was fatter than 120 or skinnier than 120... and it's probably the fatter one, knowing this guy. even the secretary at the urologist's office looked at me, as i was completely bundled up for the cold weather and said, "you look like you're about 110 and much taller than 5'6"
i just want to get this test over with finally so they can tell me why i keep getting these recurring infections for no reason. wednesday needs to get here faster.
Dec 5, 2013
i forget what it feels like to be healthy
i'm still not 100% as we've now hit the fourth month of being sick.
i had an appointment with a toronto urologist on tuesday after i finished the remaining c diff antibiotics friday night. i never want to see, taste, or take another pill ever again. and i never want to wake up with a new side effect ever again.
think of the absolute worst hangover you've had in your life. the nausea. the body aches. the headache. then multiply it by about 1000 and there you have how i felt for 5 days. constant, 24 hour nausea. what's worse is that i had to take the antibiotics with food or else it would be bad. ever tried eating when you're nauseous as fuck? it's not good.
i told the toronto urologist about all of my problems and all he could really tell me is that it sounds like i've just had an extremely unlucky set of events in the past four months. his sympathy was greatly appreciated once he put it into perspective. and here, i thought it was just me. he scheduled me for a cystoscopy for next week. they're gonna look inside my bladder and see if there's something in there causing the infections.
before any of this started, i never had a dream that involved doctors, hospitals, or me being sick. a few days before i was hospitalized back in september, i had a dream that i was seeing a doctor who told me i had a "self inflicted STD" - whatever that means. it's stuck with me, even though it didn't make any sense. i hadn't been with anyone and well, let's be honest, hadn't really helped myself out much either.
before i met with the toronto urologist, i had a dream i was back in the hospital undergoing some kind of a procedure for an "embolism" - but they were sticking needles in my tummy. again, this is a dream that's stuck with me because my subconscious seems to know when something is wrong with me before my body does.
and although i'm back on the job hunt in the most minimal way and back to having stupid, waste of my time interviews (like the ones i had yesterday, amongst the other five hundred people looking to score similar positions by meeting with an employer for 5 minutes), i just want to be better before i get out there again.
there's no telling when i'm actually going to feel 100%, as i kind of forget what that feels like. it has been over four months since i've felt healthy.
i'll just continue to take this one day at a time.
i had an appointment with a toronto urologist on tuesday after i finished the remaining c diff antibiotics friday night. i never want to see, taste, or take another pill ever again. and i never want to wake up with a new side effect ever again.
think of the absolute worst hangover you've had in your life. the nausea. the body aches. the headache. then multiply it by about 1000 and there you have how i felt for 5 days. constant, 24 hour nausea. what's worse is that i had to take the antibiotics with food or else it would be bad. ever tried eating when you're nauseous as fuck? it's not good.
i told the toronto urologist about all of my problems and all he could really tell me is that it sounds like i've just had an extremely unlucky set of events in the past four months. his sympathy was greatly appreciated once he put it into perspective. and here, i thought it was just me. he scheduled me for a cystoscopy for next week. they're gonna look inside my bladder and see if there's something in there causing the infections.
before any of this started, i never had a dream that involved doctors, hospitals, or me being sick. a few days before i was hospitalized back in september, i had a dream that i was seeing a doctor who told me i had a "self inflicted STD" - whatever that means. it's stuck with me, even though it didn't make any sense. i hadn't been with anyone and well, let's be honest, hadn't really helped myself out much either.
before i met with the toronto urologist, i had a dream i was back in the hospital undergoing some kind of a procedure for an "embolism" - but they were sticking needles in my tummy. again, this is a dream that's stuck with me because my subconscious seems to know when something is wrong with me before my body does.
and although i'm back on the job hunt in the most minimal way and back to having stupid, waste of my time interviews (like the ones i had yesterday, amongst the other five hundred people looking to score similar positions by meeting with an employer for 5 minutes), i just want to be better before i get out there again.
there's no telling when i'm actually going to feel 100%, as i kind of forget what that feels like. it has been over four months since i've felt healthy.
i'll just continue to take this one day at a time.
Nov 18, 2013
rough patch
my name is amber.
i'm 25, unemployed, single, and sick as fuck.
i never thought much about my future when i was young. 25 seemed so far away at the time and i didn't know what i wanted for dinner, let alone, where i'd be a decade or two from then.
you can tell me i'm going through a rough patch all you want. that i grew up and graduated from school at the wrong time. that the economy blows. that i'm not putting myself out there as much as i should be. that i should go back to school. that i should interview better. that i shouldn't have spent so long in school. that i should've started working sooner. that it's my own fault for losing my job. that it's my own fault for getting plagued with an illness that makes me watch my body deteriorate at an alarming rate.
but there isn't much i can do, outside of what i'm already doing. how long do these rough patches last? or maybe this is my body saying that i need to become a professional student, since the moment i stopped going to school, i became ill for no reason.
when the results of the test i took on sunday came back and were positive for c diff, it was the first time in over a decade where i was more concerned with my mental health than my physical well-being.
plagued with this ongoing illness for over 3 months (with mild symptoms beginning as early as may and severe symptoms starting in september), my body has been in a complete revolt. the prolonged use of antibiotics gave me another infection on top of what i was already fighting, and now i feel as though i'm losing both battles simultaneously. my symptoms, severity, duration - none of them point to one underlying illness. instead, i've been thrown on 4 different antibiotics and attempted a wait-and-see appraoch, which did nothing and required me to go onto the fourth antibiotic.
i'm doing my best to be strong through all of this. i'm tough. i'm an optimist. this is what i do. but waking up and experiencing new side effects daily is making me lose hope in my optimism. the constant support of family and friends is no match when it's getting more and more difficult to recognize yourself, both physically and emotionally.
but i'll get through this because i always do. my optimism still stands, it's just a little less than what it was before.
i'm 25, unemployed, single, and sick as fuck.
i never thought much about my future when i was young. 25 seemed so far away at the time and i didn't know what i wanted for dinner, let alone, where i'd be a decade or two from then.
you can tell me i'm going through a rough patch all you want. that i grew up and graduated from school at the wrong time. that the economy blows. that i'm not putting myself out there as much as i should be. that i should go back to school. that i should interview better. that i shouldn't have spent so long in school. that i should've started working sooner. that it's my own fault for losing my job. that it's my own fault for getting plagued with an illness that makes me watch my body deteriorate at an alarming rate.
but there isn't much i can do, outside of what i'm already doing. how long do these rough patches last? or maybe this is my body saying that i need to become a professional student, since the moment i stopped going to school, i became ill for no reason.
when the results of the test i took on sunday came back and were positive for c diff, it was the first time in over a decade where i was more concerned with my mental health than my physical well-being.
plagued with this ongoing illness for over 3 months (with mild symptoms beginning as early as may and severe symptoms starting in september), my body has been in a complete revolt. the prolonged use of antibiotics gave me another infection on top of what i was already fighting, and now i feel as though i'm losing both battles simultaneously. my symptoms, severity, duration - none of them point to one underlying illness. instead, i've been thrown on 4 different antibiotics and attempted a wait-and-see appraoch, which did nothing and required me to go onto the fourth antibiotic.
i'm doing my best to be strong through all of this. i'm tough. i'm an optimist. this is what i do. but waking up and experiencing new side effects daily is making me lose hope in my optimism. the constant support of family and friends is no match when it's getting more and more difficult to recognize yourself, both physically and emotionally.
but i'll get through this because i always do. my optimism still stands, it's just a little less than what it was before.
Nov 11, 2013
unemployed & more health issues
a lot can change in 2 weeks.
i finished the second round of antibiotics on sunday november 3. on the saturday, i went to the clinic for a follow up. i told the doctor i was feeling better and he told me to continue what i'm doing and come in a week later to do another urine sample.
i was feeling better for about two days. on wednesday, i woke up with the dull back ache and a bit of a tummy ache. well, that's not good. i went to the clinic on my lunch break and did another urine test. the doctor, once again, said i'm fighting something and put me back on the same antibiotics i just had for round 2, but for longer - 10 days this time. i went back to work and finished out the day.
i went to work thursday morning and settled in for another day. about twenty minutes into starting my work, my boss comes over and asks to talk to me. he brings me into one of the conference rooms with the HR lady. i figured they were just going to go over my benefits package again, which i was to receive the following week, on november 12, as my 3 month probationary term ended.
instead, my boss tells me that he's terminating me as part of my 3 months and that it was "a business decision" - effective immediately.
uh. what?!
so, i'm shocked. i don't even know what to say. my boss leaves and the HR lady tells me that i get paid until the end of the week and a bunch of other stuff i tuned out. i ask if this had anything to do with the fact that i have been very ill the past couple of months. she tells me it isn't. she then says it "just wasn't the right fit" and continues to tell me more things.
uh. i bring up the fact that about a month ago, i had a mini performance evaluation in which i was told everything was going great and they were extremely happy with me. the HR lady tells me she will try to look into this further for answers.
i've taken 3 sick days in the time i've been there. 3 completely legitimate sick days - 1 of which i was in the hospital before, 1 of which i was in the hospital after. however, my illness never once affected my work. ever. in fact, before heading to the hospital the second time, i came home and finished up part of the work that needed to be sent out that evening, but the servers were not working too well all day.
so, i was laid off for no reason. pretty much a "you'll reach your 3 months in 4 days but since you haven't, suck it" and now i'm back on the job hunt.
following this, i came home to niagara thursday afternoon. i had managed to get an appointment to see my family doctor friday. friday morning, i began to experience some light side effects from the antibiotics. i talked to my doctor who did bloodwork and another urine test. by friday night, i was dying with these side effects and took some other medicine to help counteract it.
it seemed to work, as saturday i was only experiencing very minimal side effects. but, on sunday, i was back to being even worse. by 3pm, i was nauseous, dizzy, and having trouble breathing. yes, folks, this was hospital visit #3. in niagara this time. the hospital set me up with hydration IVs, took samples, and bloodwork. 4 hours later, a doctor was telling me to get off the antibiotics, that it looked like the UTI was clearing, and giving me a referral to a urologist.
i can only hope i'll see this specialist sooner rather than later, and that pain doesn't start to come back as i'm not on the antibiotics.
my only priority is to get better before i start my job search again.
but, should you see anything out there where i meet the qualifications, don't hesitate to get in touch.
i finished the second round of antibiotics on sunday november 3. on the saturday, i went to the clinic for a follow up. i told the doctor i was feeling better and he told me to continue what i'm doing and come in a week later to do another urine sample.
i was feeling better for about two days. on wednesday, i woke up with the dull back ache and a bit of a tummy ache. well, that's not good. i went to the clinic on my lunch break and did another urine test. the doctor, once again, said i'm fighting something and put me back on the same antibiotics i just had for round 2, but for longer - 10 days this time. i went back to work and finished out the day.
i went to work thursday morning and settled in for another day. about twenty minutes into starting my work, my boss comes over and asks to talk to me. he brings me into one of the conference rooms with the HR lady. i figured they were just going to go over my benefits package again, which i was to receive the following week, on november 12, as my 3 month probationary term ended.
instead, my boss tells me that he's terminating me as part of my 3 months and that it was "a business decision" - effective immediately.
uh. what?!
so, i'm shocked. i don't even know what to say. my boss leaves and the HR lady tells me that i get paid until the end of the week and a bunch of other stuff i tuned out. i ask if this had anything to do with the fact that i have been very ill the past couple of months. she tells me it isn't. she then says it "just wasn't the right fit" and continues to tell me more things.
uh. i bring up the fact that about a month ago, i had a mini performance evaluation in which i was told everything was going great and they were extremely happy with me. the HR lady tells me she will try to look into this further for answers.
i've taken 3 sick days in the time i've been there. 3 completely legitimate sick days - 1 of which i was in the hospital before, 1 of which i was in the hospital after. however, my illness never once affected my work. ever. in fact, before heading to the hospital the second time, i came home and finished up part of the work that needed to be sent out that evening, but the servers were not working too well all day.
so, i was laid off for no reason. pretty much a "you'll reach your 3 months in 4 days but since you haven't, suck it" and now i'm back on the job hunt.
following this, i came home to niagara thursday afternoon. i had managed to get an appointment to see my family doctor friday. friday morning, i began to experience some light side effects from the antibiotics. i talked to my doctor who did bloodwork and another urine test. by friday night, i was dying with these side effects and took some other medicine to help counteract it.
it seemed to work, as saturday i was only experiencing very minimal side effects. but, on sunday, i was back to being even worse. by 3pm, i was nauseous, dizzy, and having trouble breathing. yes, folks, this was hospital visit #3. in niagara this time. the hospital set me up with hydration IVs, took samples, and bloodwork. 4 hours later, a doctor was telling me to get off the antibiotics, that it looked like the UTI was clearing, and giving me a referral to a urologist.
i can only hope i'll see this specialist sooner rather than later, and that pain doesn't start to come back as i'm not on the antibiotics.
my only priority is to get better before i start my job search again.
but, should you see anything out there where i meet the qualifications, don't hesitate to get in touch.
Oct 31, 2013
repeat offender (my second toronto hospital visit)
remember that kidney infection from last month?
yep, so do i.
after i finished those antibiotics, i probably felt okay for about a week. and then i started noticing that i'd get sharp pains or cramps for like, a second, and then they'd go away. a few more weeks later, i was noticing that i was peeing more frequently, too. and it seemed as though i was falling into the symptoms i had last time.
this past saturday, i noticed that i was peeing an insane amount for only having a tea and a glass of juice in the morning. i decided that if it happened again on sunday, i'd go to the doctor. it didn't. what did happen on sunday was more sharp pains - consistent throughout the day and evening - that last for a second and go away. well, that's not normal.
so, monday morning, i went to the doctor and did a urine sample, which came back positive for something and i had an abnormal white cell count. i was definitely fighting something. he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and told me to wait until the results, unless the symptoms got worse. monday evening, i went pee and my entire body decided to hurt pretty bad and continue to hurt all throughout the night. barely sleeping, i woke up the next morning and had a sick day. i got the prescription filled and started to feel a bit better after taking them.
wednesday morning, i took a pill and the pain and discomfort did not go away. i went into work, despite feeling ill. i called the clinic and asked if my results were back and they told me to come in again. i went to the doctor after work, but the culture sample the doctor wanted to see wasn't back yet. but, he said i had a high fever and when he touched my tummy, everything seemed very sore. so, he wrote me a note to be admitted to the emergency room at the hospital.. again.
wonderful! wednesday evening, around 7:30pm, i checked myself in. by 10:30pm, two doctors examined me and tried to figure out my problem. at about midnight, they came back and told me that they're going to order an ultrasound, do bloodwork, and put me on IV antibiotics. but that i'd get home.. "eventually". with this referral from the clinic, i had my own room and it was kind of quiet. i was in and out of sleep for most of the time. the IV antibiotics made me feel less pain and discomfort. at 3am, i saw another doctor who told me to keep taking the antibiotics i got from the clinic and to go home to rest. they scheduled me for an ultrasound again, this time at 2pm.
i got home around 4am and went to sleep. i awoke and felt better with only minimal pain. i went back for the ultrasound at 2pm, waited for results, only to find the exact same thing as the last ultrasound: nothing. zilch. everything's healthy and functional.
so, it's either another UTI/kidney infection and i have seriously bad luck (it's unusual since i haven't been with anyone in months & never had a UTI before this) or that the one from september just didn't go away completely.
uh. here's hoping the second round of antibiotics kicks it in the butt!
yep, so do i.
after i finished those antibiotics, i probably felt okay for about a week. and then i started noticing that i'd get sharp pains or cramps for like, a second, and then they'd go away. a few more weeks later, i was noticing that i was peeing more frequently, too. and it seemed as though i was falling into the symptoms i had last time.
this past saturday, i noticed that i was peeing an insane amount for only having a tea and a glass of juice in the morning. i decided that if it happened again on sunday, i'd go to the doctor. it didn't. what did happen on sunday was more sharp pains - consistent throughout the day and evening - that last for a second and go away. well, that's not normal.
 |
| my own room! fancy! |
wednesday morning, i took a pill and the pain and discomfort did not go away. i went into work, despite feeling ill. i called the clinic and asked if my results were back and they told me to come in again. i went to the doctor after work, but the culture sample the doctor wanted to see wasn't back yet. but, he said i had a high fever and when he touched my tummy, everything seemed very sore. so, he wrote me a note to be admitted to the emergency room at the hospital.. again.
 |
| big guns: IV antibiotics |
i got home around 4am and went to sleep. i awoke and felt better with only minimal pain. i went back for the ultrasound at 2pm, waited for results, only to find the exact same thing as the last ultrasound: nothing. zilch. everything's healthy and functional.
so, it's either another UTI/kidney infection and i have seriously bad luck (it's unusual since i haven't been with anyone in months & never had a UTI before this) or that the one from september just didn't go away completely.
uh. here's hoping the second round of antibiotics kicks it in the butt!
Oct 13, 2013
say this sooner
i think about things a lot.
no, i'm not talking about those girly thoughts, making up every worst case scenario based on whatever is currently happening; but just things in general. self-improvement. self-awareness. things i can do to make myself more happy and more content, if i'm truly the decider of my fate.
i think about what it would've been like if i didn't leave new zealand. i think about where i'd be if i hadn't participated in numerous dudes' infidelity. i think about how i would have felt if one of those had actually happened, rather than coming to my senses and realizing that it wasn't who i wanted to be. i think about where i'd be if i didn't move to toronto, if i didn't spend two years in grad school, and two years searching for a job. i just wonder how things could have turned out, sometimes, had i went with the other decision. even for minimal things.
and as a way for me to grow up and continue my own self-awareness, i'm going to share two things about me that i feel like people in my life should know, if they don't know already.
1) it's extremely difficult for me to "open up"
if you've been following me along in this blog adventure for quite some time, you might notice that each post kind of dives a bit deeper into various topics. originally, this blog was intended to help me with my post-graduation job search and keep me busy out of boredom. i've always had a passion for writing and it keeps me sane. in more ways than one, this blog has been my outlet for whatever is bothering me and i'm continuously reminded that, once i finish a blog post, i immediately feel better about the issue at hand and (normally) come up with a plausible solution.
i can count on one hand, the amount of people i feel i've shared myself with. this is nobody's fault but my own. this has nothing to do with a trust issue. this has nothing to do with my social and friendly demeanor. this is just how i interact with people. if i'm not comfortable with a person, i'm not going to open up with them as much as i should. this part kills me every time - because i can read people extremely well. i know who i can be friends with, within about twenty seconds of meeting them. i know who will last and who won't. i'm quite aware of people who take advantage of my generous nature and disappear in my time of need.
not being able to open up makes it easier for me to have a "professional" side and a, for lack of a better term, an "amber" side. it's always been this way throughout my jobs. there's only been two times where both aspects of myself were combined in a job setting. and that's either because i grew close to someone while working or ended up secretly dating a coworker for nearly the entirety of the position. but - to put the latter into perspective - even though i was with that dude for over a year (despite hardships, resentment, and anger), i barely shared myself with him at all. and that's probably due to the fact that i knew he was wrong for me and we would never last. and also that he told me he loved me like two months into fucking.
let that be a lesson to any potential dudes out there: if you tell me you love me and i'm not ready for it (i, uh, never have been before and have never said it back.. to anyone), it's not going to go over very well. and those words are going to be stuck in my head forever. and you'll probably make me never want to hear them again.
but, if you really want me to share myself with you, i'll give it a shot. as long as i know what i see in you. i've got some crazy stories locked up that are pretty amazing.
2) i dream. a lot.
before you ask, yes, i've likely had a dream of you and yes, at one point (or another) it was probably sexual. this happens a lot, with people i know and people i don't. i dream about everything and everyone i've ever met as well as those people i've never actually met yet.
if i do dream of you in a sexual way and remember it, it stays in my head for days, weeks, months, years.. depending on how good it was. and i might act a little strange around you for awhile. but not all of my dreams are sexual, i assure you. i dream about my teeth falling out, about having to go back to high school, missing deadlines, work stuff, people i care about getting hurt, and occasionally, me getting hurt. i've died in a dream once - or what i'm sure was meant to be me dying. i woke up immediately after i died. i dream about throwing up or other people throwing up around me and i wake up feeling extremely nauseous. a few days before my hospital visit for a kidney infection, i had a dream i went to the doctor and they told me i had a "self-inflicted STD" -- whatever that means. i guess i should listen to my dreams sometimes.
i dream about people i've never met but interacted with. these dreams are usually vivid and have strange things happening in them. i dream about twitter. i dream about texting. i dream about exes. i dream about potential dudes and exes getting into fights somehow. i dream about fucking my ex and 2 of his roommates (though, not together). i dream in colour. if i'm outside in a dream, there's normally snow on the ground. for months, i had a dream about one of my twitter followers of which i've never actually met. but i never told him about it because it would be weird.
although not nearly as bad as JD, my mind occasionally day dreams, too. this is usually when my mind wanders after a sexy dream i remembered and it's all i can think about for most of the next day. all those times where i've just stopped what i was doing and kind of gaze off and don't answer? yeah, believe me - i'm somewhere i don't ever want to come back from.
so, there you have it. i've shared two things and i'm content. this might be a new, ongoing blog post theme. because i can. and there's plenty more where that came from.
no, i'm not talking about those girly thoughts, making up every worst case scenario based on whatever is currently happening; but just things in general. self-improvement. self-awareness. things i can do to make myself more happy and more content, if i'm truly the decider of my fate.
i think about what it would've been like if i didn't leave new zealand. i think about where i'd be if i hadn't participated in numerous dudes' infidelity. i think about how i would have felt if one of those had actually happened, rather than coming to my senses and realizing that it wasn't who i wanted to be. i think about where i'd be if i didn't move to toronto, if i didn't spend two years in grad school, and two years searching for a job. i just wonder how things could have turned out, sometimes, had i went with the other decision. even for minimal things.
and as a way for me to grow up and continue my own self-awareness, i'm going to share two things about me that i feel like people in my life should know, if they don't know already.
1) it's extremely difficult for me to "open up"
if you've been following me along in this blog adventure for quite some time, you might notice that each post kind of dives a bit deeper into various topics. originally, this blog was intended to help me with my post-graduation job search and keep me busy out of boredom. i've always had a passion for writing and it keeps me sane. in more ways than one, this blog has been my outlet for whatever is bothering me and i'm continuously reminded that, once i finish a blog post, i immediately feel better about the issue at hand and (normally) come up with a plausible solution.
i can count on one hand, the amount of people i feel i've shared myself with. this is nobody's fault but my own. this has nothing to do with a trust issue. this has nothing to do with my social and friendly demeanor. this is just how i interact with people. if i'm not comfortable with a person, i'm not going to open up with them as much as i should. this part kills me every time - because i can read people extremely well. i know who i can be friends with, within about twenty seconds of meeting them. i know who will last and who won't. i'm quite aware of people who take advantage of my generous nature and disappear in my time of need.
not being able to open up makes it easier for me to have a "professional" side and a, for lack of a better term, an "amber" side. it's always been this way throughout my jobs. there's only been two times where both aspects of myself were combined in a job setting. and that's either because i grew close to someone while working or ended up secretly dating a coworker for nearly the entirety of the position. but - to put the latter into perspective - even though i was with that dude for over a year (despite hardships, resentment, and anger), i barely shared myself with him at all. and that's probably due to the fact that i knew he was wrong for me and we would never last. and also that he told me he loved me like two months into fucking.
let that be a lesson to any potential dudes out there: if you tell me you love me and i'm not ready for it (i, uh, never have been before and have never said it back.. to anyone), it's not going to go over very well. and those words are going to be stuck in my head forever. and you'll probably make me never want to hear them again.
but, if you really want me to share myself with you, i'll give it a shot. as long as i know what i see in you. i've got some crazy stories locked up that are pretty amazing.
2) i dream. a lot.
before you ask, yes, i've likely had a dream of you and yes, at one point (or another) it was probably sexual. this happens a lot, with people i know and people i don't. i dream about everything and everyone i've ever met as well as those people i've never actually met yet.
if i do dream of you in a sexual way and remember it, it stays in my head for days, weeks, months, years.. depending on how good it was. and i might act a little strange around you for awhile. but not all of my dreams are sexual, i assure you. i dream about my teeth falling out, about having to go back to high school, missing deadlines, work stuff, people i care about getting hurt, and occasionally, me getting hurt. i've died in a dream once - or what i'm sure was meant to be me dying. i woke up immediately after i died. i dream about throwing up or other people throwing up around me and i wake up feeling extremely nauseous. a few days before my hospital visit for a kidney infection, i had a dream i went to the doctor and they told me i had a "self-inflicted STD" -- whatever that means. i guess i should listen to my dreams sometimes.
i dream about people i've never met but interacted with. these dreams are usually vivid and have strange things happening in them. i dream about twitter. i dream about texting. i dream about exes. i dream about potential dudes and exes getting into fights somehow. i dream about fucking my ex and 2 of his roommates (though, not together). i dream in colour. if i'm outside in a dream, there's normally snow on the ground. for months, i had a dream about one of my twitter followers of which i've never actually met. but i never told him about it because it would be weird.
although not nearly as bad as JD, my mind occasionally day dreams, too. this is usually when my mind wanders after a sexy dream i remembered and it's all i can think about for most of the next day. all those times where i've just stopped what i was doing and kind of gaze off and don't answer? yeah, believe me - i'm somewhere i don't ever want to come back from.
so, there you have it. i've shared two things and i'm content. this might be a new, ongoing blog post theme. because i can. and there's plenty more where that came from.
Sep 28, 2013
it's natural to be afraid
i would never complain about being single.
i'm convinced people who actually complain about being single are those who find themselves to be lonely. and that is something i am not.
in the last few weeks, i've had a couple of friends comment on how i have nothing going on and that it "doesn't seem like me". what they fail to realize is that, well, this is not news. i haven't had anything going on in quite some time and i've lost the motivation to do anything about it.
but, if we're being completely honest here: it doesn't bother me.
for those of you in relationships, let me remind you how terrible it is to be a single girl in a dating world:
1) dudes are fucking creepy - both online & offline
2) dating is hard work - "put yourself out there" uhhh, no thanks
3) making time to date is difficult
4) where do you pick up dudes? the bar? the subway? the street corner? (oh.. i can't.. those are women)
5) online dating is mostly just met with creeps and dudes who are seriously fucked up (yes, i'm also creepy and fucked up - but we'll get to that)
so.. yes. it's no wonder i don't have a lot going on right now. i troll creepy dudes online. i rarely meet cute dudes that i'm attracted to who aren't fucked up or there's something about them that i don't like. i don't have the time or the energy to go out every so often and try to take somebody home with me; i'm in bed most nights by 9pm because i'm a fucking old lady.
i just feel as though i lost a significant part of me - the part that used to be amazing with flirting with dudes/taking them home/making something happen. and i don't know if that's just disappearing because i'm growing up or because i'm preoccupied with other things. i've lost the ability to multi-task with a life, friends, and dudes. and that's probably for the best.
don't get me wrong, i haven't been completely "out of it" - there are a few very, low-key, nearly exciting dudes in my life that i see occasionally. but these are hardly worth mentioning to anyone since i'm barely getting involved as it is. and some that should probably be thrown away all together.
i'm okay with the way that things are, for now. i know there are some things i need to figure out before i can get involved with anyone. i know that eventually, i'll have to let my guard down and let somebody in. i know that someday, i'll have to function in a real relationship with someone i care about and actually share the majority of myself with them, which is something i already have trouble doing. i know that i'll meet someone who my friends approve of and consider him to be the best of the best, since my friends care about me that much. i know that i'll be with someone who can respect my boundaries and life choices, as those aren't going to change, despite what people might say and think.
but until all of the above are understood, i'm content with my dude situation. however, there's always room for improvement.
i'm convinced people who actually complain about being single are those who find themselves to be lonely. and that is something i am not.
in the last few weeks, i've had a couple of friends comment on how i have nothing going on and that it "doesn't seem like me". what they fail to realize is that, well, this is not news. i haven't had anything going on in quite some time and i've lost the motivation to do anything about it.
but, if we're being completely honest here: it doesn't bother me.
for those of you in relationships, let me remind you how terrible it is to be a single girl in a dating world:
1) dudes are fucking creepy - both online & offline
2) dating is hard work - "put yourself out there" uhhh, no thanks
3) making time to date is difficult
4) where do you pick up dudes? the bar? the subway? the street corner? (oh.. i can't.. those are women)
5) online dating is mostly just met with creeps and dudes who are seriously fucked up (yes, i'm also creepy and fucked up - but we'll get to that)
so.. yes. it's no wonder i don't have a lot going on right now. i troll creepy dudes online. i rarely meet cute dudes that i'm attracted to who aren't fucked up or there's something about them that i don't like. i don't have the time or the energy to go out every so often and try to take somebody home with me; i'm in bed most nights by 9pm because i'm a fucking old lady.
i just feel as though i lost a significant part of me - the part that used to be amazing with flirting with dudes/taking them home/making something happen. and i don't know if that's just disappearing because i'm growing up or because i'm preoccupied with other things. i've lost the ability to multi-task with a life, friends, and dudes. and that's probably for the best.
don't get me wrong, i haven't been completely "out of it" - there are a few very, low-key, nearly exciting dudes in my life that i see occasionally. but these are hardly worth mentioning to anyone since i'm barely getting involved as it is. and some that should probably be thrown away all together.
i'm okay with the way that things are, for now. i know there are some things i need to figure out before i can get involved with anyone. i know that eventually, i'll have to let my guard down and let somebody in. i know that someday, i'll have to function in a real relationship with someone i care about and actually share the majority of myself with them, which is something i already have trouble doing. i know that i'll meet someone who my friends approve of and consider him to be the best of the best, since my friends care about me that much. i know that i'll be with someone who can respect my boundaries and life choices, as those aren't going to change, despite what people might say and think.
but until all of the above are understood, i'm content with my dude situation. however, there's always room for improvement.
Sep 22, 2013
complications of a medical nature
you might remember how i've been battling a kidney infection for about 2 weeks. it hasn't been fun, i can assure you.
after i missed 3 days of work in one week, went to work for one day, and then had my first vacation day - this week was a lot more difficult getting back into the swing of things. i took a vacation day on friday sept 13th to go home & do home things, like go to the dentist and get a haircut. i spent the entire weekend laying low and trying to get better.
i was trying to find the best way to take the pills they gave me but every time i tried to take them, i got really anxious/nervous because they were so awful. it's not like me to be this way when it comes to, well, anything. they couldn't be chewed. they couldn't be swallowed, even when cut in half. i tried to cut them into 4s but then they were jagged as fuck and not any easier. i smashed them up and put them into water/juice.. nope.. still tasted too awful. i couldn't win. at times, i was only taking half or 75% of a pill because the rest just wouldn't be allowed into my body. i figured this was better than not taking them, i suppose.
work this week was busy, as usual, and i did my best to keep up. that's when i noticed on wednesday when i got back to the office: my skin had broken out into a rash. i thought maybe it was just on my arms and hands. i thought i touched something on my way back from lunch and reacted to it. i noticed my face felt extremely hot and burnt. when i looked in the mirror, it looked like i had been on the beach for 9 hours. i was outside at lunch for maybe 10-15 minutes that day. something was up. i did what i could to hide the rash from my coworkers and finished out the day. when i got home, i noticed that the rash was all over my body but was only slightly itchy in parts. i've never had anything like this before, so i figured it would go away by the next day. looking at the side effects of the antibiotics, it said that i might experience red, blotchy patches and a sensitivity to sunlight - but to consult a doctor if it happens.
i woke up the next morning and it was still prominent. ugh. i sent an email to my boss and told him i'd be going to the walk in clinic. at 9am, i admitted myself to the walk-in clinic and waited for a doctor who told me that it's very common to have an allergic reaction to this type of antibiotics. what was uncommon was having an allergic reaction 9 days into antibiotics that last for 10 days. fuck you, body. so, she told me to take an allergy pill and it should go away. by saturday, it did.
okay, i've had enough of this "being sick" thing. can i go back to being healthy now?
after i missed 3 days of work in one week, went to work for one day, and then had my first vacation day - this week was a lot more difficult getting back into the swing of things. i took a vacation day on friday sept 13th to go home & do home things, like go to the dentist and get a haircut. i spent the entire weekend laying low and trying to get better.
i was trying to find the best way to take the pills they gave me but every time i tried to take them, i got really anxious/nervous because they were so awful. it's not like me to be this way when it comes to, well, anything. they couldn't be chewed. they couldn't be swallowed, even when cut in half. i tried to cut them into 4s but then they were jagged as fuck and not any easier. i smashed them up and put them into water/juice.. nope.. still tasted too awful. i couldn't win. at times, i was only taking half or 75% of a pill because the rest just wouldn't be allowed into my body. i figured this was better than not taking them, i suppose.
work this week was busy, as usual, and i did my best to keep up. that's when i noticed on wednesday when i got back to the office: my skin had broken out into a rash. i thought maybe it was just on my arms and hands. i thought i touched something on my way back from lunch and reacted to it. i noticed my face felt extremely hot and burnt. when i looked in the mirror, it looked like i had been on the beach for 9 hours. i was outside at lunch for maybe 10-15 minutes that day. something was up. i did what i could to hide the rash from my coworkers and finished out the day. when i got home, i noticed that the rash was all over my body but was only slightly itchy in parts. i've never had anything like this before, so i figured it would go away by the next day. looking at the side effects of the antibiotics, it said that i might experience red, blotchy patches and a sensitivity to sunlight - but to consult a doctor if it happens.
i woke up the next morning and it was still prominent. ugh. i sent an email to my boss and told him i'd be going to the walk in clinic. at 9am, i admitted myself to the walk-in clinic and waited for a doctor who told me that it's very common to have an allergic reaction to this type of antibiotics. what was uncommon was having an allergic reaction 9 days into antibiotics that last for 10 days. fuck you, body. so, she told me to take an allergy pill and it should go away. by saturday, it did.
okay, i've had enough of this "being sick" thing. can i go back to being healthy now?
Sep 11, 2013
my first toronto hospital experience
it's been a rough few days.
work had been so hectic last week. on friday, i wasn't sure what to do for lunch, so i went to a food court and picked up some chinese food to eat at my desk through lunch. it just so happened that HBC was promoting "free lunch fridays" and bought me my food. that was swell of them. i ate most of it pretty fast.
a few hours later, i was having intense stomach pain. oh good. the chinese food and my tummy are battling it out. i was not impressed. i left work early and came home to the next 4-5 hours of being seriously nauseous. i had food poisoning earlier in february, and that was not fun. plus, i had one other day in march i think, where i was so hungover all day & i didn't even drink that much.. but must have been the mix of wine & beer.
anyway, saturday, i still felt like crap. not overly nauseous but crappy enough. by sunday, i was starting to feel a little better but still had some minimal stomach pain. sunday night, the pain was so severe that i couldn't sleep and could barely move. yep, it was time to go to the hospital. at 2am, i left my place and hailed a taxi who took me so st. mike's. i was registered and waiting by 2:30am. by 3am, i was in a hospital bed and things were moving relatively quickly. they took some bloodwork, a urine sample, and i had a variety of doctors and nurses come by to check me out and see how i'm doing. they gave me some tylenol 3's for the pain and my in-and-out fever.
sometime after 5, the majority of the tests had come back and were all negative so they decided to keep me overnight for an ultrasound in the morning. i tried to get some rest as they stapled the guy's skull who was in the room next to me. that's something i could've done without hearing. at 6:30am. they moved me to a new room and a comfier bed where i was supposed to sleep because it was quieter, except it wasn't. at 8am, i was being prepped by a nurse for my ultrasound, and shortly after 9am, i had my first (and hopefully last) ultrasound.
i'll admit, i was really scared at this point. i was in a lot of pain, high on tylenol 3's, cold, anxious, nervous, nauseated, and not only was it my first time in a toronto hospital, but it was my first time in any hospital alone. prior to this was my case of appendicitis in 2008.. and man, have we come a long way in technological medical advances since then! for instance, the fancy new IVs? yeah, in 2008, i had to be hooked up to one of those wheely carts. now i could walk freely around!
by 10am, i was back in my hospital bed waiting patiently for my results. a new nurse came by and started talking to me. she told me i looked okay and that sometimes, it's nothing. i think she knew how scared and nervous i was. she really helped ease my fear. i was also sleepless at this point, so i'm sure that didn't help.
around 11am, a new doctor came to see me and told me that everything on the ultrasound was normal, healthy, & functional. but that my urine sample was positive for a bladder infection/kidney infection, so he'd put me on antibiotics for 10 days. i'm relieved.
what i had was something treatable! they gave me a pill, some water & juice, a cheese sandwich to eat, and my prescription, but didn't tell me i could leave. before i had even finished my sandwich, an orderly had come by to change my bed. uh, i guess i can leave then? i asked around to make sure.. and i did. maybe you should be clearer in your communication to me, rather than just handing me some stuff and leaving, without saying anything.
i noticed right away that the pill had taken the stomach pain away. i felt better for most of the day and took another pill before bed. on tuesday morning, i woke up and felt.. okay. not great. i took a pill and went about my getting ready for work routine. but when i got to work, i felt like absolute shit. i lasted 2 hours and came home to my back being super sore. i tried a couple of tylenol, but that didn't help and made me feel nauseous. i was in and out of fever & chills all afternoon. sometime after 6pm, i fell asleep and woke up after 8 feeling much better and less nauseous. i took another pill and went to bed, but didn't sleep that great.
instead of bothering to go to work today, when i woke up, i still felt like crap. i took a pill and felt better. i've been able to eat today and somehow managed to do laundry and clean the kitchen. but now i'm beat and feel a fever. it could also just be this heat. y'know, 43 degrees in september. it figures i'd be sick on the hottest days of the year.
i'm alive and stuff. for those of you who were with me through this entire wild ride, thanks! you definitely made my toronto hospital visit a better experience.
work had been so hectic last week. on friday, i wasn't sure what to do for lunch, so i went to a food court and picked up some chinese food to eat at my desk through lunch. it just so happened that HBC was promoting "free lunch fridays" and bought me my food. that was swell of them. i ate most of it pretty fast.
a few hours later, i was having intense stomach pain. oh good. the chinese food and my tummy are battling it out. i was not impressed. i left work early and came home to the next 4-5 hours of being seriously nauseous. i had food poisoning earlier in february, and that was not fun. plus, i had one other day in march i think, where i was so hungover all day & i didn't even drink that much.. but must have been the mix of wine & beer.
anyway, saturday, i still felt like crap. not overly nauseous but crappy enough. by sunday, i was starting to feel a little better but still had some minimal stomach pain. sunday night, the pain was so severe that i couldn't sleep and could barely move. yep, it was time to go to the hospital. at 2am, i left my place and hailed a taxi who took me so st. mike's. i was registered and waiting by 2:30am. by 3am, i was in a hospital bed and things were moving relatively quickly. they took some bloodwork, a urine sample, and i had a variety of doctors and nurses come by to check me out and see how i'm doing. they gave me some tylenol 3's for the pain and my in-and-out fever.sometime after 5, the majority of the tests had come back and were all negative so they decided to keep me overnight for an ultrasound in the morning. i tried to get some rest as they stapled the guy's skull who was in the room next to me. that's something i could've done without hearing. at 6:30am. they moved me to a new room and a comfier bed where i was supposed to sleep because it was quieter, except it wasn't. at 8am, i was being prepped by a nurse for my ultrasound, and shortly after 9am, i had my first (and hopefully last) ultrasound.
 |
| fancy new IVs |
by 10am, i was back in my hospital bed waiting patiently for my results. a new nurse came by and started talking to me. she told me i looked okay and that sometimes, it's nothing. i think she knew how scared and nervous i was. she really helped ease my fear. i was also sleepless at this point, so i'm sure that didn't help.
around 11am, a new doctor came to see me and told me that everything on the ultrasound was normal, healthy, & functional. but that my urine sample was positive for a bladder infection/kidney infection, so he'd put me on antibiotics for 10 days. i'm relieved.
what i had was something treatable! they gave me a pill, some water & juice, a cheese sandwich to eat, and my prescription, but didn't tell me i could leave. before i had even finished my sandwich, an orderly had come by to change my bed. uh, i guess i can leave then? i asked around to make sure.. and i did. maybe you should be clearer in your communication to me, rather than just handing me some stuff and leaving, without saying anything.
i noticed right away that the pill had taken the stomach pain away. i felt better for most of the day and took another pill before bed. on tuesday morning, i woke up and felt.. okay. not great. i took a pill and went about my getting ready for work routine. but when i got to work, i felt like absolute shit. i lasted 2 hours and came home to my back being super sore. i tried a couple of tylenol, but that didn't help and made me feel nauseous. i was in and out of fever & chills all afternoon. sometime after 6pm, i fell asleep and woke up after 8 feeling much better and less nauseous. i took another pill and went to bed, but didn't sleep that great.
instead of bothering to go to work today, when i woke up, i still felt like crap. i took a pill and felt better. i've been able to eat today and somehow managed to do laundry and clean the kitchen. but now i'm beat and feel a fever. it could also just be this heat. y'know, 43 degrees in september. it figures i'd be sick on the hottest days of the year.
i'm alive and stuff. for those of you who were with me through this entire wild ride, thanks! you definitely made my toronto hospital visit a better experience.
Sep 1, 2013
2 years of toronto livin'
today's the day that i've officially lived in toronto for 2 years. 2 years!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
Aug 24, 2013
ain't doing well, well, well, i am only doing just fine
for me, technology has a lifespan of about 4 years. at the end of january, my flip phone officially died. it was the end of an era. i had to switch over to a touch screen that i still hate.
on august 10th, my laptop, which i've also had for about 4 years, kicked the bucket. i knew it was coming since about january when i ran diagnostics with a friend and figured out that my hard drive was dying. but it was just one section. he told me to do a bunch of stuff which i never ended up doing because, well, i'm a procrastinator. what i did do was backup the majority of my files and important stuff manually that day, since my auto-backup would stop working as soon as it hit the bad sector. the problem was, i never updated all of my shit since then. so although i didn't lose too much (and most can be re-downloaded again), i did lose most of my schoolwork.
see, this would've been a bit of a problem to be without a laptop for a few days. but remember how i got a job? a real job? yeah, when i started that job on august 12th, i became the new owner of a work laptop. this tied me over until i received a new laptop on august 19th. life has a strange way of working out for me the past few weeks. i guess that makes up for just how shitty july was.
i have to admit that my first week of work was a bit overwhelming. there was so much to know, but so many perks of the job -- like playing xbox, friday beer hours, cakes & cupcakes for office birthdays, random snacks & food mostly every day, and so on. it's really a modern take on the whole office vibe. plus, it seems like a very laid back environment. i never once got the feeling of any hostility.. not like the metrolinx office (which still makes me cringe thinking about it!)
by the end of the second week and the completion of several projects, i was feeling more confident in my role, what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and my excel abilities. my confidence was reinforced when i was told i did an excellent job at the projects i finished. so, as of next week, they're throwing me into the deep end and letting me swim - i'm on my own for the most part. this is nearly 2 weeks earlier than they anticipated for the training process. my role now also includes a big project i get to design & deliver, as well as a deeper analysis portion in one of my weekly projects. i'm actually pretty excited for those parts of the job!
in other exciting news, i won tickets to riot fest this weekend, so i've got a busy two days. i won VIP tickets last year - but unfortunately, these aren't VIP. poop.
bring on the $9 PBRs!
on august 10th, my laptop, which i've also had for about 4 years, kicked the bucket. i knew it was coming since about january when i ran diagnostics with a friend and figured out that my hard drive was dying. but it was just one section. he told me to do a bunch of stuff which i never ended up doing because, well, i'm a procrastinator. what i did do was backup the majority of my files and important stuff manually that day, since my auto-backup would stop working as soon as it hit the bad sector. the problem was, i never updated all of my shit since then. so although i didn't lose too much (and most can be re-downloaded again), i did lose most of my schoolwork.
see, this would've been a bit of a problem to be without a laptop for a few days. but remember how i got a job? a real job? yeah, when i started that job on august 12th, i became the new owner of a work laptop. this tied me over until i received a new laptop on august 19th. life has a strange way of working out for me the past few weeks. i guess that makes up for just how shitty july was.
i have to admit that my first week of work was a bit overwhelming. there was so much to know, but so many perks of the job -- like playing xbox, friday beer hours, cakes & cupcakes for office birthdays, random snacks & food mostly every day, and so on. it's really a modern take on the whole office vibe. plus, it seems like a very laid back environment. i never once got the feeling of any hostility.. not like the metrolinx office (which still makes me cringe thinking about it!)
by the end of the second week and the completion of several projects, i was feeling more confident in my role, what needs to be done, how it needs to be done, and my excel abilities. my confidence was reinforced when i was told i did an excellent job at the projects i finished. so, as of next week, they're throwing me into the deep end and letting me swim - i'm on my own for the most part. this is nearly 2 weeks earlier than they anticipated for the training process. my role now also includes a big project i get to design & deliver, as well as a deeper analysis portion in one of my weekly projects. i'm actually pretty excited for those parts of the job!
in other exciting news, i won tickets to riot fest this weekend, so i've got a busy two days. i won VIP tickets last year - but unfortunately, these aren't VIP. poop.
bring on the $9 PBRs!
Aug 3, 2013
maybe happiness is wealthy if you spell it right
in toronto, you're always looking for a job, a boyfriend, or an apartment.
yes, i just tweaked a quote from sex and the city. i'm a girl. get over it.
i've been lucky enough to have one of those for the last 2 years. and it's not a boyfriend. despite ongoing issues with my apartment and struggles to pay rent, i've always had a roof over my head. it's the other 2 i can't seem to get or keep.
that all changed thursday afternoon when i got the call.
a job offer. a real job offer with a legitimate company. with a salary. and benefits. and vacation. and experience. and all the things i've been trying to get since i finished my BA in april 2011.
so how did it happen?
i saw a job posting on linkedin for a "digital analyst" position. i didn't understand most of the vague description but noticed that i met all of the requirements. without looking up where this company was located, i applied via linkedin. if you're not familiar with this linkedin process, you can apply to jobs simply by sending across your profile and, if you want, a resume and cover letter.
you might remember that i've done this before and got an interview out of it for something in my field. my hopes for that one were extremely high and it fell through when they hired someone internally and kept me on the hook for weeks. i figured that one was going to be my big break and it wasn't. i guess you could say that's when i became overly depressed about my ongoing job hunt.
i applied to this digital analyst position with just my profile and resume. when i looked up the location after i applied, i realized that they were just up the street from me. i gained optimism. i could walk to work! the next day, i was contacted by an intern from the company asking about my salary expectations and my anticipated start date. upon my response, i was contacted yet again for an interview later that week.
i was interviewed by two people who didn't give off many signs that they were too interested in me or my qualifications. one was the manager and other was the guy currently in the position i was after. it was a standard interview with no "scenario-based" questions but more of "can you do this and this" and "how well can you do this and this" and the nice part was knowing that i could do everything they asked. i tried out a few new interview techniques that i had read about and had been told to use by various people in my life. using these techniques let me see my interviewers' true intentions about me. i was convinced they were interested in me.
the next day after the interview, i received another email requesting a second interview and scheduling an excel test. a second interview! in all of my job searching, i've never had a second interview. i was stoked. i met with the director of the team i'd be working with. she, like the other people interviewing me, didn't give off that many signs that she was interested in me. she kept talking about how my skills would be valuable in the position, but i know i've heard that on several occasions from other potential employers before.
then came the excel test. they gave me an advanced test to work on and told me not to worry about it because it was a very difficult test, but all they had. i went into the test feeling confident. i had spent the entire weekend boning up on advanced excel tutorials and figured i knew my shit. well, according to that test, i didn't. so i threw on my poker face and took it one step at a time. you know, only freaking out in my head about why these fucking numbers weren't showing up in the spreadsheet and where the fuck did those errors come from and how the fuck am i supposed to calculate this when it's missing the actual numbers to make the formula with... and so on. i maybe got through 1/4 of the test before my time limit was up. i made it very clear to the HR person about how the test didn't really reflect my excel ability and laughed it off. she seemed impressed with me and how i handled the test. i left the company trying my best not to punch anything on the way back home.
i figured that was it. i was going to get a call saying i sucked so much at the test and i wasn't going to get the job. or worse, i'd just never hear from them again even with my following up. they had told me they were going to make a decision wednesday. by wednesday afternoon and no response, i followed up, on edge. i knew they had contacted my references and at least 2 of my references had responded with awesome things to say about me. a response from the intern said they were very close to making a decision, but wednesday came and went.
by thursday morning, i had basically wiped this job out of my head. i figured they went with someone else. a little later thursday morning, i get a call with the job offer. i was stunned. i didn't even know how to react. i decided i was just so numb when it came to the job hunt that i wasn't even sure how to talk to someone about accepting a potential job offer. i guess 2 years of continuous rejection will do that. she sent over a written offer and i'm waiting to sign it tuesday. i start on august 12. it's a full-time, 9-5 deal. the best news was when i found out the building my company is in is LEED certified. so at least there's a kind of indirect exposure to sustainability where i'm working.
i'm 2 for 3. i now have a job to pay my rent (which is going up in september) to keep a roof over my head. i imagine it'll take another 2 years of continuous rejection to get that boyfriend, right?
yes, i just tweaked a quote from sex and the city. i'm a girl. get over it.
i've been lucky enough to have one of those for the last 2 years. and it's not a boyfriend. despite ongoing issues with my apartment and struggles to pay rent, i've always had a roof over my head. it's the other 2 i can't seem to get or keep.
that all changed thursday afternoon when i got the call.
a job offer. a real job offer with a legitimate company. with a salary. and benefits. and vacation. and experience. and all the things i've been trying to get since i finished my BA in april 2011.
so how did it happen?
i saw a job posting on linkedin for a "digital analyst" position. i didn't understand most of the vague description but noticed that i met all of the requirements. without looking up where this company was located, i applied via linkedin. if you're not familiar with this linkedin process, you can apply to jobs simply by sending across your profile and, if you want, a resume and cover letter.
you might remember that i've done this before and got an interview out of it for something in my field. my hopes for that one were extremely high and it fell through when they hired someone internally and kept me on the hook for weeks. i figured that one was going to be my big break and it wasn't. i guess you could say that's when i became overly depressed about my ongoing job hunt.
i applied to this digital analyst position with just my profile and resume. when i looked up the location after i applied, i realized that they were just up the street from me. i gained optimism. i could walk to work! the next day, i was contacted by an intern from the company asking about my salary expectations and my anticipated start date. upon my response, i was contacted yet again for an interview later that week.
i was interviewed by two people who didn't give off many signs that they were too interested in me or my qualifications. one was the manager and other was the guy currently in the position i was after. it was a standard interview with no "scenario-based" questions but more of "can you do this and this" and "how well can you do this and this" and the nice part was knowing that i could do everything they asked. i tried out a few new interview techniques that i had read about and had been told to use by various people in my life. using these techniques let me see my interviewers' true intentions about me. i was convinced they were interested in me.
the next day after the interview, i received another email requesting a second interview and scheduling an excel test. a second interview! in all of my job searching, i've never had a second interview. i was stoked. i met with the director of the team i'd be working with. she, like the other people interviewing me, didn't give off that many signs that she was interested in me. she kept talking about how my skills would be valuable in the position, but i know i've heard that on several occasions from other potential employers before.
then came the excel test. they gave me an advanced test to work on and told me not to worry about it because it was a very difficult test, but all they had. i went into the test feeling confident. i had spent the entire weekend boning up on advanced excel tutorials and figured i knew my shit. well, according to that test, i didn't. so i threw on my poker face and took it one step at a time. you know, only freaking out in my head about why these fucking numbers weren't showing up in the spreadsheet and where the fuck did those errors come from and how the fuck am i supposed to calculate this when it's missing the actual numbers to make the formula with... and so on. i maybe got through 1/4 of the test before my time limit was up. i made it very clear to the HR person about how the test didn't really reflect my excel ability and laughed it off. she seemed impressed with me and how i handled the test. i left the company trying my best not to punch anything on the way back home.
i figured that was it. i was going to get a call saying i sucked so much at the test and i wasn't going to get the job. or worse, i'd just never hear from them again even with my following up. they had told me they were going to make a decision wednesday. by wednesday afternoon and no response, i followed up, on edge. i knew they had contacted my references and at least 2 of my references had responded with awesome things to say about me. a response from the intern said they were very close to making a decision, but wednesday came and went.
by thursday morning, i had basically wiped this job out of my head. i figured they went with someone else. a little later thursday morning, i get a call with the job offer. i was stunned. i didn't even know how to react. i decided i was just so numb when it came to the job hunt that i wasn't even sure how to talk to someone about accepting a potential job offer. i guess 2 years of continuous rejection will do that. she sent over a written offer and i'm waiting to sign it tuesday. i start on august 12. it's a full-time, 9-5 deal. the best news was when i found out the building my company is in is LEED certified. so at least there's a kind of indirect exposure to sustainability where i'm working.
i'm 2 for 3. i now have a job to pay my rent (which is going up in september) to keep a roof over my head. i imagine it'll take another 2 years of continuous rejection to get that boyfriend, right?
Jul 18, 2013
maybe i'm just tired
fuck you, july.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
Jul 3, 2013
i couldn't lie to you if i tried
i recently stopped seeing someone.
and by recently, i mean that i haven't talked to him in like a month. but i mean, "seeing" someone is kind of a two-way street, yeah? i'm only going to get fed up when i text someone and never hear back anything -- so i just stop. and last night, after coming to this realization, i did the only humane thing: delete him from life. yep, outta my phone & outta my facebook. it was quick and painless.
i guess i didn't really invest anything into what we were doing. i rarely saw him. i wasn't thinking about him all the time. actually, it was hardly ever. friends would ask me about him and i'd shrug... "i dunno, he's probably working." and, he probably was. he worked a lot. we never had endless text message conversations, and when we did, it was very out of character for him. or he'd stop abruptly and i wouldn't hear from him again for days.
he had a habit of bailing on me for.. uhm.. "legitimate" reasons. like work. or double booking. or being tired. or uh, nope.. i guess that was basically it. but you'd think that if he was going to a friend's birthday or something and that's the reason we can't hang out because he forgot, the reasonable thing would be to invite me along. i'd probably decline, but it's the invitation i wanted. that never happened.
i understand that we never saw each other enough to really know what we were doing. and it wasn't like i was looking for him to commit to me or anything. that didn't seem like anything either of us wanted. we got along. we went out a few times on dates and they were pretty great. the rest of the times were spent in, playing video games. and i wasn't opposed to that either. he was actually a world of firsts for me. things were always comfortable, sexual or not. we went out to movies and out for dinner -- 2 things i never really do unless i've been seeing the dude for quite some time. don't ask why. i don't have a reason. it's just how my dating patterns have turned out to be.
he wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public yet, i only met one person in his life. and that was because i met him at his work as he closed and the other employee was still there. and it seemed like this other employee knew a lot about me already, so he must have been talking about me to his coworker. he met my roommate and one other friend. but, like i said, he was always busy. if he wasn't working, or doing music stuff, or hanging out with friends (usually music & friends went together), he was with me. but i was so far down on his priority list that i was lucky to see him maybe 3-4 times a month. yet, when he walked me to a show one night and saw some of the dudes hanging around the entrance checking me out, he kissed me in front of them. they immediately understood.
it's like he had all the right intentions sometimes. and other times, not so much. so, with this being one of the strangest encounters i've had in awhile, it was easy to let it go. i knew i wasn't invested in it when i deleted him from life and wasn't upset about it. i was actually more upset at the fact that i could do something so heartless and not feel anything. but whatever. maybe i'm just growing up in the dating world.
prior to this dude was in october. oh god. yeah. that october dude was totally crazy. and i almost lost a friend over it. it ended sometime in november and then i never saw anyone until march -- the dude i just stopped seeing. it was... a long winter.
i've had about a year's worth of ridiculous encounters and dudes i'll never see again. and it's for the better. i'm being optimistic in that my next dude will be something i can actually enjoy for a significant period of time. and is someone i can see more than 3-4 times a month.
i'm not holding my breath.
and by recently, i mean that i haven't talked to him in like a month. but i mean, "seeing" someone is kind of a two-way street, yeah? i'm only going to get fed up when i text someone and never hear back anything -- so i just stop. and last night, after coming to this realization, i did the only humane thing: delete him from life. yep, outta my phone & outta my facebook. it was quick and painless.
i guess i didn't really invest anything into what we were doing. i rarely saw him. i wasn't thinking about him all the time. actually, it was hardly ever. friends would ask me about him and i'd shrug... "i dunno, he's probably working." and, he probably was. he worked a lot. we never had endless text message conversations, and when we did, it was very out of character for him. or he'd stop abruptly and i wouldn't hear from him again for days.
he had a habit of bailing on me for.. uhm.. "legitimate" reasons. like work. or double booking. or being tired. or uh, nope.. i guess that was basically it. but you'd think that if he was going to a friend's birthday or something and that's the reason we can't hang out because he forgot, the reasonable thing would be to invite me along. i'd probably decline, but it's the invitation i wanted. that never happened.
i understand that we never saw each other enough to really know what we were doing. and it wasn't like i was looking for him to commit to me or anything. that didn't seem like anything either of us wanted. we got along. we went out a few times on dates and they were pretty great. the rest of the times were spent in, playing video games. and i wasn't opposed to that either. he was actually a world of firsts for me. things were always comfortable, sexual or not. we went out to movies and out for dinner -- 2 things i never really do unless i've been seeing the dude for quite some time. don't ask why. i don't have a reason. it's just how my dating patterns have turned out to be.
he wasn't afraid to hold my hand in public yet, i only met one person in his life. and that was because i met him at his work as he closed and the other employee was still there. and it seemed like this other employee knew a lot about me already, so he must have been talking about me to his coworker. he met my roommate and one other friend. but, like i said, he was always busy. if he wasn't working, or doing music stuff, or hanging out with friends (usually music & friends went together), he was with me. but i was so far down on his priority list that i was lucky to see him maybe 3-4 times a month. yet, when he walked me to a show one night and saw some of the dudes hanging around the entrance checking me out, he kissed me in front of them. they immediately understood.
it's like he had all the right intentions sometimes. and other times, not so much. so, with this being one of the strangest encounters i've had in awhile, it was easy to let it go. i knew i wasn't invested in it when i deleted him from life and wasn't upset about it. i was actually more upset at the fact that i could do something so heartless and not feel anything. but whatever. maybe i'm just growing up in the dating world.
prior to this dude was in october. oh god. yeah. that october dude was totally crazy. and i almost lost a friend over it. it ended sometime in november and then i never saw anyone until march -- the dude i just stopped seeing. it was... a long winter.
i've had about a year's worth of ridiculous encounters and dudes i'll never see again. and it's for the better. i'm being optimistic in that my next dude will be something i can actually enjoy for a significant period of time. and is someone i can see more than 3-4 times a month.
i'm not holding my breath.
Jun 18, 2013
the one question i'm tired of hearing
here's a meme that's been going around for awhile
i first saw it sometime last year and it's been something i refer to ever since when someone asks me how my job hunt it going.
yes, i'm tired of hearing any variation of "how is your job search going?" because lately, it seems to be the only thing people are concerned about in my life.
half the time, i'm not even sure how to answer the question. what, you want me to tell you about the 15 jobs i applied to today? you want me to tell you about the two interviews i have lined up this week? you want me to say that i lied to a guy so i could get an interview (and ended up getting that interview? - so now i'm fucked).
sorry - when did my life only get interesting in my pursuit of a job? it's like an interview question. why is this the only thing people tend to ask my anymore? yes, i've taken school-mode amber and transformed her into job-searching amber, but that doesn't make me any different from what i used to be.
let's put it this way: if i want to talk to you about my job search, i will. i'll tell you every juicy detail about it, whether you're actually interested in hearing or not. but until that day comes, you're going to get a shitty response from me. especially as i approach my 31st interview this week and you can probably smell my desperation for a job two towns over.
i consider my job search to be just like what my school coursework was like. i'd give you a brief synopsis of what i'm working on -- "oh, it's a paper on (this) and it has to be (this many words)." so when you ask me and i say "i have an interview for (this place) doing (these things) and it's (related to my field/not related to my field)" -- that's all you're really going to get from now on. and if i don't have any interviews coming up, i'll tell you that. and i don't want to hear any words of optimism or any advice on how to do things, unless you're someone who's in my field and has been in the field for 5+ years.
it's simple: my job search is my own personal business.
besides, my love life is much more interesting to hear about.
i first saw it sometime last year and it's been something i refer to ever since when someone asks me how my job hunt it going.
yes, i'm tired of hearing any variation of "how is your job search going?" because lately, it seems to be the only thing people are concerned about in my life.
half the time, i'm not even sure how to answer the question. what, you want me to tell you about the 15 jobs i applied to today? you want me to tell you about the two interviews i have lined up this week? you want me to say that i lied to a guy so i could get an interview (and ended up getting that interview? - so now i'm fucked).
sorry - when did my life only get interesting in my pursuit of a job? it's like an interview question. why is this the only thing people tend to ask my anymore? yes, i've taken school-mode amber and transformed her into job-searching amber, but that doesn't make me any different from what i used to be.
let's put it this way: if i want to talk to you about my job search, i will. i'll tell you every juicy detail about it, whether you're actually interested in hearing or not. but until that day comes, you're going to get a shitty response from me. especially as i approach my 31st interview this week and you can probably smell my desperation for a job two towns over.
i consider my job search to be just like what my school coursework was like. i'd give you a brief synopsis of what i'm working on -- "oh, it's a paper on (this) and it has to be (this many words)." so when you ask me and i say "i have an interview for (this place) doing (these things) and it's (related to my field/not related to my field)" -- that's all you're really going to get from now on. and if i don't have any interviews coming up, i'll tell you that. and i don't want to hear any words of optimism or any advice on how to do things, unless you're someone who's in my field and has been in the field for 5+ years.
it's simple: my job search is my own personal business.
besides, my love life is much more interesting to hear about.
Jun 13, 2013
just remember what's right for me, might be not right for you
ten days ago was the last time i applied to a job.
eight days ago was the last time i had an interview.
things could be better.
it's not that i've given up hope in my job search, it's just been ridiculously time consuming and draining on my enthusiasm for things that matter. in just over a year, from april 2012 to june 2013, i've had thirty different interviews. do you know how difficult it is to go in each time and pretty much say very similar answers to the same questions every employer asks?
the absolute worst is having interviews for shitty, minimum wage jobs that i know i'm capable of doing but technically now, i shouldn't even be getting interviews for them as i'm overqualified. beyond the absolute worst, is seeing masters/phd students in a similar field apply for the same jobs and beat me for them. i suppose they're "more qualified" than me, but sometimes, i'm not even so sure. my 3 degrees must mean something.
i've had 3 interviews related to my field so far.
1) water NGO
i had an interview for the same position last year. i was stoked to get an interview again. it's a summer position, talking to people about water/lake issues on the toronto beaches and reporting on results. simple. something i'd be amazing doing because i enjoy talking to people, i'm great at managing a team to do stuff well, and i know my shit when i'm talking about something i'm interested and passionate about. she asked a lot of the same questions from last time. it was the same lady. she remembered me. it seemed to go well. she told me i was a strong candidate.
funny how "you're a strong candidate" turns into "let's re-post the job posting and not hire you." i don't think i'll apply again next year.
2) sustainable tourism
here's a job i applied to through linkedin and actually heard a response. everything about this job was right up my alley. it integrated all 7 years of my education into one beautiful job. except for the fact that the interview was nearly an hour away and in the worst possible location ever. but the good news was that i'd only have to show up to that office once a week and the majority of the work would be done out of the downtown office, closer to me.
the interview itself lasted close to 2 hours. they had a lot of questions for me that showed them i knew what i was talking about. and i also had a fair amount of questions for them. before they even got to talking to me, the lady running the organization had offered to give me a ride home. of course, i took it. i was pretty stoked on that -- people aren't that nice and that's how i knew i was a strong candidate.
i followed up a few days later with the requested writing sample but didn't have the email address of the lady who gave me the ride home, so i sent it to the HR manager (the one who i had been in contact with and who was the second person interviewing me). i expected at least a "thanks" response but didn't get it. so, after a few more days, i sent another follow up email to the lady who gave me the ride home through the organization's general email and received a response the next day, thanking me for the sample and that they're still doing interviews.
they're hoping to make a decision "within the next two weeks" - so cross your fingers, because i am.
3) project coordinator
this is the first time i had an interview for a project coordinator role. i refreshed my memory of a number of project management related tools and techniques so that i was well versed in the language, should they ask. and oh boy, did they ever. i was interviewed by 4 people at a small research firm. one older dude who reminded me of my terrible professor from last semester by being a dick. this guy was basically poking at me to see how opinionated i could get and what my reaction would be with him being an ignorant, aggressive prick.
the good thing was how i've never been one to "lash out" so to speak when someone talks shit about something i do or something i'm passionate about. i'll correct people when necessary. i'll give an opinion, when necessary. but these all have boundaries and limits. and i know how to stay within them -- even though they might not. i think i handled it pretty well.
they told me they had a shortlist of preferred, strong candidates they were interviewing - about 4 or 5. so i guess that's a plus. they were hoping to have a decision made sometime next week. it'd be nice to get this one, too.
my lack of motivation for applying to jobs is mostly caused by my anticipation to receive job offers from the sustainable tourism place or the research firm. and also that there hasn't been too much worth going after.
plus, i've got nxne to worry about this week. priorities.
eight days ago was the last time i had an interview.
things could be better.
it's not that i've given up hope in my job search, it's just been ridiculously time consuming and draining on my enthusiasm for things that matter. in just over a year, from april 2012 to june 2013, i've had thirty different interviews. do you know how difficult it is to go in each time and pretty much say very similar answers to the same questions every employer asks?
the absolute worst is having interviews for shitty, minimum wage jobs that i know i'm capable of doing but technically now, i shouldn't even be getting interviews for them as i'm overqualified. beyond the absolute worst, is seeing masters/phd students in a similar field apply for the same jobs and beat me for them. i suppose they're "more qualified" than me, but sometimes, i'm not even so sure. my 3 degrees must mean something.
i've had 3 interviews related to my field so far.
1) water NGO
i had an interview for the same position last year. i was stoked to get an interview again. it's a summer position, talking to people about water/lake issues on the toronto beaches and reporting on results. simple. something i'd be amazing doing because i enjoy talking to people, i'm great at managing a team to do stuff well, and i know my shit when i'm talking about something i'm interested and passionate about. she asked a lot of the same questions from last time. it was the same lady. she remembered me. it seemed to go well. she told me i was a strong candidate.
funny how "you're a strong candidate" turns into "let's re-post the job posting and not hire you." i don't think i'll apply again next year.
2) sustainable tourism
here's a job i applied to through linkedin and actually heard a response. everything about this job was right up my alley. it integrated all 7 years of my education into one beautiful job. except for the fact that the interview was nearly an hour away and in the worst possible location ever. but the good news was that i'd only have to show up to that office once a week and the majority of the work would be done out of the downtown office, closer to me.
the interview itself lasted close to 2 hours. they had a lot of questions for me that showed them i knew what i was talking about. and i also had a fair amount of questions for them. before they even got to talking to me, the lady running the organization had offered to give me a ride home. of course, i took it. i was pretty stoked on that -- people aren't that nice and that's how i knew i was a strong candidate.
i followed up a few days later with the requested writing sample but didn't have the email address of the lady who gave me the ride home, so i sent it to the HR manager (the one who i had been in contact with and who was the second person interviewing me). i expected at least a "thanks" response but didn't get it. so, after a few more days, i sent another follow up email to the lady who gave me the ride home through the organization's general email and received a response the next day, thanking me for the sample and that they're still doing interviews.
they're hoping to make a decision "within the next two weeks" - so cross your fingers, because i am.
3) project coordinator
this is the first time i had an interview for a project coordinator role. i refreshed my memory of a number of project management related tools and techniques so that i was well versed in the language, should they ask. and oh boy, did they ever. i was interviewed by 4 people at a small research firm. one older dude who reminded me of my terrible professor from last semester by being a dick. this guy was basically poking at me to see how opinionated i could get and what my reaction would be with him being an ignorant, aggressive prick.
the good thing was how i've never been one to "lash out" so to speak when someone talks shit about something i do or something i'm passionate about. i'll correct people when necessary. i'll give an opinion, when necessary. but these all have boundaries and limits. and i know how to stay within them -- even though they might not. i think i handled it pretty well.
they told me they had a shortlist of preferred, strong candidates they were interviewing - about 4 or 5. so i guess that's a plus. they were hoping to have a decision made sometime next week. it'd be nice to get this one, too.
my lack of motivation for applying to jobs is mostly caused by my anticipation to receive job offers from the sustainable tourism place or the research firm. and also that there hasn't been too much worth going after.
plus, i've got nxne to worry about this week. priorities.
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