toronto experienced a terrorist attack this week.
i call it terrorism because that is 100% what it was. an attack - a targeted attack - on women. 10 people are dead and 14 more are seriously injured. a raging dude decided to run over everything in his path because of rejection. women wouldn't sleep with him - maybe. but perhaps that's for good reason.
this is a kind reminder that women do not owe anyone anything. and they are not required to have sex with anyone they don't want to have sex with. it's 2018 and people somehow don't seem to understand this concept. the fact that later on this week, bill cosby was found guilty of three counts of aggravated indecent assault speaks more words than i ever could.
my heart has been hurting a lot this week. my biggest fear as a toronto pedestrian is someone hitting me with their vehicle, on purpose or accidentally. pedestrian deaths and injuries climb every year and no matter how much i follow the rules of the road, i'm nearly hit daily.
i'm not a stranger to the worst dudes who refuse to take no for an answer. a few of which wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if they went on a killing spree. i'd hope that they would keep their composure or reach out for help before it came to that. but once i had heard the suspect was in custody, i held my breath. it wasn't any of them, thankfully. at least - not yet.
so much of what i've experienced is the brutal online harassment and violence, similar to what nora loreto is currently going through for a tweet regarding the humboldt broncos crash. hiding behind a screen, these dudes consistently harass her about things unrelated to her tweet in a horrible manner. it's sickening. most of these people utter death threats. nobody deserves that kind of treatment. continuing to hide behind their screens, i'm betting these were the same people jumping to conclusions about the ethnicity and motives of the suspect for the toronto attack.
the most heartbreaking part of it all is when my coworkers brushed off the attack like it was nothing. "it is what it is" was something muttered way too much this week. my coworkers explained to our international offices that it was "some crazy guy who hates women" and not a terrorist attack. but they are wrong.
nobody's life should ever be cut short because some dude didn't get what he wanted.
#torontostrong
Showing posts with label toronto. Show all posts
Showing posts with label toronto. Show all posts
Apr 27, 2018
Jan 11, 2018
she makes her way and never looks back
each year that passes seems to have a main theme. for 2017, the theme was year of the ex. and not just one of them.
there's a reason these dudes are not in my life. in order to truly move on from any feelings i once had, it's important that these dudes no longer play a role. they have served their purpose. and i have no desire to see them again.
unfortunately, i make the mistake of not changing my old habits or watering holes because, well, why should i? these habits and places were mine first. so occasionally, we might run into each other.
it started off innocently enough. we showed up to the same event. you clearly saw me and ran away. cool, looks like i won this round. the next time, i went to a store i enjoy and saw you down an aisle. this time, i made sure to run away. i was having a bad day which got worse when i saw you and i was not interested in dealing with anything. and that was it for you. one ex - a couple of encounters - okay, no big deal.
wrong.
at a bar and things seem oddly familiar. i recognize that guy up front. next to him is the second ex. panic. well, maybe it won't be that bad. oh, wait, it's worse than i thought. not again. i can't possibly have more bad luck. wait - what's that? - you work here? oh. guess i'll be leaving then.
year of the ex continues on the very last day of the year. the third and final ex.
this time, i'm less ready for it because you were so far from my radar. you caught me by surprise in that place i took you once. and then it all came back to me. one of the last times i saw you, we were seeing that band, at that venue. you liked music. we may as well have traveled back in time 4 years and had that night all over again. but this was different. things didn't end in a bad place. they ended because timing is a bitch. and you were probably what i should have been chasing all along. but young me thought you were too good for me until it was too late. and sitting across from you on new year's eve was the reason we ended.
all of these dudes shaped who i am today and i do hope they are happy with whatever it is that they're doing currently. but please, all of you, go back into hiding for another 4 years. i have reached my maximum quota of feelings for a long time.
there's a reason these dudes are not in my life. in order to truly move on from any feelings i once had, it's important that these dudes no longer play a role. they have served their purpose. and i have no desire to see them again.
unfortunately, i make the mistake of not changing my old habits or watering holes because, well, why should i? these habits and places were mine first. so occasionally, we might run into each other.
it started off innocently enough. we showed up to the same event. you clearly saw me and ran away. cool, looks like i won this round. the next time, i went to a store i enjoy and saw you down an aisle. this time, i made sure to run away. i was having a bad day which got worse when i saw you and i was not interested in dealing with anything. and that was it for you. one ex - a couple of encounters - okay, no big deal.
wrong.
at a bar and things seem oddly familiar. i recognize that guy up front. next to him is the second ex. panic. well, maybe it won't be that bad. oh, wait, it's worse than i thought. not again. i can't possibly have more bad luck. wait - what's that? - you work here? oh. guess i'll be leaving then.
year of the ex continues on the very last day of the year. the third and final ex.
this time, i'm less ready for it because you were so far from my radar. you caught me by surprise in that place i took you once. and then it all came back to me. one of the last times i saw you, we were seeing that band, at that venue. you liked music. we may as well have traveled back in time 4 years and had that night all over again. but this was different. things didn't end in a bad place. they ended because timing is a bitch. and you were probably what i should have been chasing all along. but young me thought you were too good for me until it was too late. and sitting across from you on new year's eve was the reason we ended.
all of these dudes shaped who i am today and i do hope they are happy with whatever it is that they're doing currently. but please, all of you, go back into hiding for another 4 years. i have reached my maximum quota of feelings for a long time.
Dec 30, 2017
auld lang syne
2017. it's been real.
you started off rocky, as you always do. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep worrying about how things were going to play out. i felt the most depressed i think i've ever been in a long time. i had a number of people keeping me grounded but there was an incredible amount of uncertainty about my future.
to fix all of this, i made a life altering decision to get my own place. i didn't care if i could hardly afford it. it was something i could change and i went for it. in april, i secured a place i could finally call home and be alone for the first time. this was one of the best decisions i made in 2017.
with my own place down, i had two things left to focus on: my work and my health. these two weren't exactly up to me to conquer. these two tended to dick me around more than i'd like to admit. despite it all, my contract was finally renewed for another year and it came with a significant raise. i got extremely lucky in that i could almost afford my new apartment.
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now i had 2/3 of my biggest stressors resolved. in july, i started experimental ANF therapy for my health. i had immediate results and suddenly my knees felt like they were functioning properly in over two years. each session makes my body feel better. becoming nearly pain-free and feeling like i was back to having control over my body, i was able to continue getting stronger at the gym. my confidence in my walking/moving returned and the sadness faded.
i spent the summer focused on having as much fun as possible. in september, i took off on vacation by myself and went to ottawa for a few days. in october, i celebrated my birthday surrounded by good friends, good food, and good beer. i watched as my friends grew in their relationships and started moving onto that next step. i watched as, for some, that next step never happened.
2018 takes me out of my twenties and puts me into my thirties. i'll only believe that when i stop getting asked for ID to buy beer.
Jun 17, 2017
(dis)abled
for whatever reason since i moved to toronto, i've been dealing with a seemingly never-ending list of ailments. the latest being the stupidity of my knees/legs not working properly. and let me tell you, toronto is hardly accessible for the functional pedestrian, let alone those who aren't quite able-bodied.
my knees got exceptionally bad the past couple weeks and i've been back on meds the last couple days with positive improvements. like the majority of toronto pedestrians, i spend a lot of my time commuting on the ttc during rush hour. i, like everyone else, still have to get to work, whether my knees work or not. i can't afford constant taxis (not an uber because windows phone problems), i can't always walk a long distance (or short distances some days) and i definitely can't bike.
on one particularly rough knee day, it's rush hour and i'm trying to get home. a couple of king streetcars pass by me, too packed for me to even begin to think about getting on. a third one comes along and although i've been standing around the longest, everyone rushes the streetcar before it stops. it looks like there might be some room and i make a move. i make it onto the streetcar and move about an inch from the white line and can barely stand on my own two feet. i have a very noticeable limp. i look around frantically to see if someone might be able to give up their seat for me. in the blue accessible seats is an older lady and two younger looking people. as i continue looking around and trying to make eye contact with anyone at all sitting down, i feel a small tap on my back and a quiet voice: "sweetie, do you need a seat?".
it's the older lady. the only one who has noticed me get on the streetcar and require a seat. now, the last thing i want to do is move this older lady from her seat because i need one. i also do not feel comfortable asking someone for a seat because they might have some sort of invisible, underlying disability. or maybe they've been on their feet for 8+ hours a day and the only time they got to sit down was their commute home. i can only hope that someone who is a bit more able-bodied than me at the time will be nice enough to get up and let me have their seat.
i smiled at the old lady, nodded my head, and said "yeah, i do. is that okay?". the second i said something, the two younger people got up from the seats and moved so i could sit down. i was grateful, but the entire situation could have been avoided if everyone paid attention to the people getting on the streetcar.
a similar encounter happened while i was with another friend during rush hour on the subway. a train rolls into the station as the two of us are on the escalator down. as we're in no real rush and i can't quite move that fast, we get off the escalator and take a few steps toward the train when the doors ding dang dong. a few more steps and we would have been on the train with no issues. instead, an older man barrels down the escalator at full speed, yells, and pushes right through us to get on the train, nearly knocking the two of us down in the process. the doors close and the train leaves while we try to gather ourselves back up and realize that an older man just pushed two young girls out of the way to get on a train during rush hour. i was dumbfounded. 30 seconds later, another train rolled into the station and we were on our way again.
a slight push in the wrong direction, a twist of my own body, or my foot touching the crack of a sidewalk the wrong way can cause me a lot of distress and a possible dislocation/sublaxation of my knees. i wear knee braces to minimize the risk of this happening, but there is always possibility. this is why my greatest fear is now people. i can only be so careful to avoid certain situations and crowds, but i still have to get around, get to work, get home, go to buy groceries, attempt a social life and try my best to continue living life to the best of my ability.
i think the biggest problem is that when you see my face, i look like a young and healthy girl. a young, normal girl with knees that don't work the way they should.
please be mindful of those around you and don't fucking barrel through people. i assure you, the last thing you want to do is hear me scream if my knees dislocate. i guarantee you will be hearing that scream until you die. just ask my coworkers in that kitchen during the summer of 2011.
my knees got exceptionally bad the past couple weeks and i've been back on meds the last couple days with positive improvements. like the majority of toronto pedestrians, i spend a lot of my time commuting on the ttc during rush hour. i, like everyone else, still have to get to work, whether my knees work or not. i can't afford constant taxis (not an uber because windows phone problems), i can't always walk a long distance (or short distances some days) and i definitely can't bike.
on one particularly rough knee day, it's rush hour and i'm trying to get home. a couple of king streetcars pass by me, too packed for me to even begin to think about getting on. a third one comes along and although i've been standing around the longest, everyone rushes the streetcar before it stops. it looks like there might be some room and i make a move. i make it onto the streetcar and move about an inch from the white line and can barely stand on my own two feet. i have a very noticeable limp. i look around frantically to see if someone might be able to give up their seat for me. in the blue accessible seats is an older lady and two younger looking people. as i continue looking around and trying to make eye contact with anyone at all sitting down, i feel a small tap on my back and a quiet voice: "sweetie, do you need a seat?".
it's the older lady. the only one who has noticed me get on the streetcar and require a seat. now, the last thing i want to do is move this older lady from her seat because i need one. i also do not feel comfortable asking someone for a seat because they might have some sort of invisible, underlying disability. or maybe they've been on their feet for 8+ hours a day and the only time they got to sit down was their commute home. i can only hope that someone who is a bit more able-bodied than me at the time will be nice enough to get up and let me have their seat.
i smiled at the old lady, nodded my head, and said "yeah, i do. is that okay?". the second i said something, the two younger people got up from the seats and moved so i could sit down. i was grateful, but the entire situation could have been avoided if everyone paid attention to the people getting on the streetcar.
a similar encounter happened while i was with another friend during rush hour on the subway. a train rolls into the station as the two of us are on the escalator down. as we're in no real rush and i can't quite move that fast, we get off the escalator and take a few steps toward the train when the doors ding dang dong. a few more steps and we would have been on the train with no issues. instead, an older man barrels down the escalator at full speed, yells, and pushes right through us to get on the train, nearly knocking the two of us down in the process. the doors close and the train leaves while we try to gather ourselves back up and realize that an older man just pushed two young girls out of the way to get on a train during rush hour. i was dumbfounded. 30 seconds later, another train rolled into the station and we were on our way again.
a slight push in the wrong direction, a twist of my own body, or my foot touching the crack of a sidewalk the wrong way can cause me a lot of distress and a possible dislocation/sublaxation of my knees. i wear knee braces to minimize the risk of this happening, but there is always possibility. this is why my greatest fear is now people. i can only be so careful to avoid certain situations and crowds, but i still have to get around, get to work, get home, go to buy groceries, attempt a social life and try my best to continue living life to the best of my ability.
i think the biggest problem is that when you see my face, i look like a young and healthy girl. a young, normal girl with knees that don't work the way they should.
please be mindful of those around you and don't fucking barrel through people. i assure you, the last thing you want to do is hear me scream if my knees dislocate. i guarantee you will be hearing that scream until you die. just ask my coworkers in that kitchen during the summer of 2011.
Apr 16, 2017
not exactly
i've been asked by several friends lately why i'm no longer writing. they list a number of excuses and my only response is "not exactly."
i didn't stop due to a lack of things to talk about. in fact, that's the complete opposite issue that i'm facing. and maybe it's partly because i have trouble organizing my thoughts well enough to write down what it is that's bothering me. i'll be honest though. there are hundreds of reasons why i stopped writing, but it all boils down to one main common theme: time.
i don't have time to write.
i could go on for an eternity as to why my days are so full of doing things. but that's the price of adulthood - or in some cases, a lack thereof, if you're the only one who does things. outside of work, i practice self-care and it has become an integral part of my being. it will hopefully continue to speed up the healing process and let me someday live a normal life again. or at least, that's my end goal. while i'm not where i was a year ago and there's definite progress in healing, it doesn't happen overnight. i've come to terms with this even when everyone else hasn't. i refuse to let it slow me down (although sometimes it still might - hey, wait up, i got these tiny little legs!)
it becomes increasingly difficult to have a well rounded life when two, well, three things take up the majority of my time. but when i can remove certain variables, more time becomes an option. even though time these days is almost an illusion. hell, look at this 4.5 day weekend right now. where the fuck did it go?
in just 5 days, i'll have my own place for the first time in 29 years. since moving to toronto nearly 6 years ago, my goals included getting a job and moving out on my own. i've had hit and miss roommates, including one roommate from literal hell that makes me never want to live with anyone ever again. okay, that's an exaggeration. maybe i'll get lonely. maybe i'll always need someone around to reach those items on the top shelf. but the idea of being on my own is the most exciting and scary thing going for me right now. i need the independence. i need the quiet. i need the ability to do my own thing.
it might be difficult to understand, but after living with a roommate you don't particularly enjoy, it changes you. unfortunately for me, my roommate situations haven't always been the best. and i'm ready for that next step to call my own place home with just a single tenant occupancy. but fuck, toronto, could you calm your shit with the rent prices? it took 6 years to get to a point where i could finally afford to be somewhere without roommates and compared to most friends, i'm extremely good with my money.
time might be the biggest common theme with my lack of writing but there is always more to the story. when you really enjoy doing something, there's always time for it. i've spent the better part of the last two years or so spending less and less time on social media. my blog and everything it was set out to do, didn't quite serve a purpose any longer. i continuously had all these thoughts in my mind where i'd think that the topics would make a fantastic blog post and no time to write them. this is one thing i want to change. writing used to be an outlet for me to understand whatever was stressing me out. whatever was keeping me up at night. these stressful things no longer keep me awake at night. instead, they get overlooked and pushed away.
maybe it's because i can't change the things i complain about regarding work. maybe it's because i don't have any complaints about dudes in my life because there's only one who makes things better and not worse. maybe it's because i don't tend to complain about life as a whole as much any longer. maybe i'd rather listen and help than attempt to bore you with the little things that bother me. maybe it's because despite it all, things are finally coming together the way they're meant to be, even if it isn't what i expected 6 years ago.
maybe i'll write again in a week or a year. maybe i just need more time.
i didn't stop due to a lack of things to talk about. in fact, that's the complete opposite issue that i'm facing. and maybe it's partly because i have trouble organizing my thoughts well enough to write down what it is that's bothering me. i'll be honest though. there are hundreds of reasons why i stopped writing, but it all boils down to one main common theme: time.
i don't have time to write.
i could go on for an eternity as to why my days are so full of doing things. but that's the price of adulthood - or in some cases, a lack thereof, if you're the only one who does things. outside of work, i practice self-care and it has become an integral part of my being. it will hopefully continue to speed up the healing process and let me someday live a normal life again. or at least, that's my end goal. while i'm not where i was a year ago and there's definite progress in healing, it doesn't happen overnight. i've come to terms with this even when everyone else hasn't. i refuse to let it slow me down (although sometimes it still might - hey, wait up, i got these tiny little legs!)
it becomes increasingly difficult to have a well rounded life when two, well, three things take up the majority of my time. but when i can remove certain variables, more time becomes an option. even though time these days is almost an illusion. hell, look at this 4.5 day weekend right now. where the fuck did it go?
in just 5 days, i'll have my own place for the first time in 29 years. since moving to toronto nearly 6 years ago, my goals included getting a job and moving out on my own. i've had hit and miss roommates, including one roommate from literal hell that makes me never want to live with anyone ever again. okay, that's an exaggeration. maybe i'll get lonely. maybe i'll always need someone around to reach those items on the top shelf. but the idea of being on my own is the most exciting and scary thing going for me right now. i need the independence. i need the quiet. i need the ability to do my own thing.
it might be difficult to understand, but after living with a roommate you don't particularly enjoy, it changes you. unfortunately for me, my roommate situations haven't always been the best. and i'm ready for that next step to call my own place home with just a single tenant occupancy. but fuck, toronto, could you calm your shit with the rent prices? it took 6 years to get to a point where i could finally afford to be somewhere without roommates and compared to most friends, i'm extremely good with my money.
time might be the biggest common theme with my lack of writing but there is always more to the story. when you really enjoy doing something, there's always time for it. i've spent the better part of the last two years or so spending less and less time on social media. my blog and everything it was set out to do, didn't quite serve a purpose any longer. i continuously had all these thoughts in my mind where i'd think that the topics would make a fantastic blog post and no time to write them. this is one thing i want to change. writing used to be an outlet for me to understand whatever was stressing me out. whatever was keeping me up at night. these stressful things no longer keep me awake at night. instead, they get overlooked and pushed away.
maybe it's because i can't change the things i complain about regarding work. maybe it's because i don't have any complaints about dudes in my life because there's only one who makes things better and not worse. maybe it's because i don't tend to complain about life as a whole as much any longer. maybe i'd rather listen and help than attempt to bore you with the little things that bother me. maybe it's because despite it all, things are finally coming together the way they're meant to be, even if it isn't what i expected 6 years ago.
maybe i'll write again in a week or a year. maybe i just need more time.
Mar 15, 2015
the waiting is the hardest part
too much of my life is spent waiting.
i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.
typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.
by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).
more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.
it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.
part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills.
i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.
the waiting will always be the hardest part.
i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.
typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.
by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).
more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.
it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.
part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills.
i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.
the waiting will always be the hardest part.
Sep 15, 2014
and i can't breathe deeply enough to fill me with every disappointment
i think everyone has that one album they listen to when life is both good and bad. it's your fallback. that one album that can give you the highest of highs but also make you feel as sad as you want to be, given the circumstances.
that band for me is misery signals and the album is of malice and the magnum heart.
yes, it's screamy. yes, it's loud. yes, it's fantastic. but after every happy moment in my life and every disappointment, this album was here for me, ready to be played. every heartache. every fight. every wake up routine. every walk to a job interview. every exciting moment. and the few times i've been able to see misery signals live were incredible, minus the original members that made the actual album, as the band changed members continuously after the album.
so, when misery signals decided to do a 10 year anniversary reunion tour playing of malice and the magnum heart from start to finish, you can bet i was there that wonderful night at the opera house on august 23, 2014. and as the playlist went on and i fought back tears from all of those disappointing memories rushing back, i realized this album was the only album that got me through the last 10 years.
and i know i wasn't the only one who felt this way. a sold out crowd at the opera house could tell you the same thing. although i'd like to say that my life, moving forward, will no longer have any associated disappointment, at least i know i'll have a contingency plan that will keep me fighting the good fight.
this is not my favourite song but it shows just how amazing the band and the crowd was that night. listen to the full album of malice and the magnum heart here.
that band for me is misery signals and the album is of malice and the magnum heart.
yes, it's screamy. yes, it's loud. yes, it's fantastic. but after every happy moment in my life and every disappointment, this album was here for me, ready to be played. every heartache. every fight. every wake up routine. every walk to a job interview. every exciting moment. and the few times i've been able to see misery signals live were incredible, minus the original members that made the actual album, as the band changed members continuously after the album.
so, when misery signals decided to do a 10 year anniversary reunion tour playing of malice and the magnum heart from start to finish, you can bet i was there that wonderful night at the opera house on august 23, 2014. and as the playlist went on and i fought back tears from all of those disappointing memories rushing back, i realized this album was the only album that got me through the last 10 years.
and i know i wasn't the only one who felt this way. a sold out crowd at the opera house could tell you the same thing. although i'd like to say that my life, moving forward, will no longer have any associated disappointment, at least i know i'll have a contingency plan that will keep me fighting the good fight.
this is not my favourite song but it shows just how amazing the band and the crowd was that night. listen to the full album of malice and the magnum heart here.
May 27, 2014
it's not me, it's them
i came across this article today, in light of all the elliot rodger stuff, and it made me feel like i should probably share my worst moments with some of the dudes i've been involved with over the years.
although something happened to me yesterday that warranted a blog post just revolving around one dude in particular, i'm going to expand to include a few more to shed some light on how it sucks to be a nice girl in the dating world. hold onto your hats! (or keyboards, or phones, or whatever.. this is gonna be a wild ride.)
1) i once dated a dude for a little over a summer who thought the world was going to end in 2012, didn't believe in climate change (something that i was extremely passionate about, come on), and was convinced that his dad who passed away was a ghost in his parents' bedroom, where he would greet the ghost every time he walked by his parents' bedroom. i put up with all of these quirky characteristics because, at the time, i didn't know how to date. as time wore on, he had all of these ideas that we were going to be together forever and travel the world. he was mid to late twenties with a going nowhere job and i was early twenties just trying to get my BA. i broke up with him a few months before i left for new zealand, citing that i was leaving and wasn't sure when i would be back (an outright lie, i knew exactly when i was returning) and he didn't take it well. years later, he dates a girl who i used to work with. whenever we worked together, people mistakenly thought we were the same person.
2) i went on a date with a friend of a friend during my first month in the city. i had met him at a party and thought he was mildly attractive, so i decided to give him my number. we went out for drinks and i'm not sure i said more than four words the entire night. this is when i realized that i can't stand dudes who over talk me or interrupt me when i'm speaking. we ended up at a friend's event near my place and go back to my place for some reason, probably to play games because he was super nerdy. but he took the "let's play games" as a "let's makeout" and after 5 minutes of super awkward making out, i said i was tired and kicked him out.
over the next few months, i'd get weekly calls and texts from him to hang out. rarely, i would respond. one day, he propositioned to take me to a show i really wanted to see but was too god damned expensive. he had tickets already and offered them up to me for free. i declined. "free" means "sex" and buddy, that wasn't going to happen. eventually, he stopped texting me but would facebook me on occasion until i removed him from facebook also. i run into him a couple times a year at mutual friends' events and he still says that he wants to hang out and catch up. take a hint.
3) i get a message on plenty of fish from a dude that looks oddly familiar. oh, it's that dude that dated one of my friends in high school for a little while. you moved up the street from me? cool. let's hang as i'm 99% sure we're just gonna hang as friends and i wouldn't have touched you even if you hadn't dated one of my friends before. the entire night feels like two long lost friends catching up. he offers to go back to his place and play games. seriously. is this where i go wrong? I JUST WANT TO PLAY GAMES. he makes a move on me and i push him away. he tells me i clearly wanted it because of what i'm wearing. i'm wearing knee-length jean shorts and a v-neck. yes. i wanted you based off what i'm wearing. i couldn't get out of there fast enough.
4) i used to frequent a radio chat at my old job. a bunch of folks known as regulars at various offices downtown toronto would talk about music, politics, food, beer, whatever, and it became my solace at my job. somehow, i get to talking to a new dude and exchange emails. the same day, i pass along my number to him. i'm still at work. within the two hours from my last hour of work until the time i got home, he had texted me over ten times. i responded a couple of times when i got home only to get more replies about things i didn't care about. not this again. i stop responding. the next day, i get about thirty text messages from him. i don't respond at all. the following day, he texts me another four times before i text back asking, "who is this?" and he responds with who he is and how we know each other. i respond back with "no, i don't know anyone named that, i just got this number" and i never hear from him again until a few days later when he emails me asking what happened to me. in true fashion, i didn't respond. this thing called silence? it means "no".
5) a dude messages me on plenty of fish in early january and identifies himself to me as a recruiter after several messages back and forth. as i had just come back from a stint of being horribly sick, was still undergoing testing, and was still unemployed, i decided to give this dude a chance at helping me find a job and maybe a friendship. after what seemed like way too many emails and me in a constant flaking mood since i was still feeling terrible all the time, i finally gave up my number. we met once for coffee and to discuss my resume. similar to dude #2 above, i probably got in about four words the entire night. i was not attracted and didn't think i could even have a friendship with this dude. but he WAS a recruiter, so maybe he could find me a job.
every day, he would send me job postings and links to job things i should know. he fixed my resume and kept asking for feedback. every other day, he would text me and ask to hang out. slow down, dude. i'm just coming back from the brink of almost dying a few months ago - i told you this - maybe you should, i don't know, back off a little. i'd respond, about weekly, to his emails regarding my job search. i would never respond to his texts. when i received a job offer and started my job without the help of him, i told him i got a job and he offered to take me out for a beer to celebrate. ugh, okay. fine. we met up again for a beer and while he rambled on about things i didn't care about, i quickly finished my couple of beers (because he had ordered another one for me without even asking if i had wanted another one) and got out of there as fast as i could. the next day, he texts asking to go see a movie. i tell him no. a few days later, he texts again asking to get a drink. i don't respond. every week from then on, he texts me at least twice a week asking to hang out. i never respond. then, one day, he gets the nerve to call me. while i'm at work. i don't talk to people on the phone unless they're good friends or relatives. i actually feel like this when i get a phone call. when i don't answer, he sends me a text and asks if i'm getting his texts because he hasn't heard from me. this goes on for what seems like MONTHS until one day, i tell him to stop messaging me, and he FINALLY does.
earlier this week, i log into my linkedin for the first time in a long time and notice that he was one of the people who had viewed my profile. fuck. i still have him on linkedin. i remove him immediately. yesterday, i get an email from him asking if i want to get a drink. i respond that i'm not interested and for him to stop messaging me. he says that i should stop looking at his linkedin profile. i tell him i had to because that's how you remove people from your linkedin. he replies and starts an email argument with me, saying that i'm "not a nice person". uhhh. i forgot to mention that this dude is a rob ford supporter - so i probably should've stopped the conversation right then and there, but i played on.
i told him that it was cool that he thought i wasn't a nice person because i didn't want to hang out with him. he told me that i'm "weird and unkempt" - that he was "more excited about my profession than i am" and the list went on. sorry. i'm weird? let's put things into perspective here. not once did i ever request to hang out with him. not once was i ever flirty or out of line in any of the maybe six phrases i said in the times we hung out.
of course, this was the most complete bullshit defense tactic in rejection - taking stabs at the other person's appearance and demeanor, even though it was him who kept making remarks about my "hot body" and how he liked that i dressed "casual". and because i wasn't going to take this bullshit, i responded:
"Cool story bro. You think I'm weird and unkempt? You love to make no sense. You don't know how to take "no" for an answer. You don't know how to take silence as a no. You don't know anything about keeping distance or realizing that you aren't liked by someone. And THAT part makes sense, considering you're a Ford supporter. You're the one who constantly badgered me to hang out or talk when I was clearly NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT. Not of a friendship. Not of dating. Not even really of you trying to find me a job, which you failed at anyway. You're going to play the defensive card and call me out on being weird? I have news for you buddy, maybe take a step back and analyze how people perceive you and how terrible of a person you really are."
he replied back, calling me psycho and that i should go watch some cartoons. my only response was: "you're a child. grow the fuck up."
HE RESPONDS BACK TWICE.
i didn't respond to either of them. they weren't worth my time.
so yes, in these cases, it's totally not me; it's them.
although something happened to me yesterday that warranted a blog post just revolving around one dude in particular, i'm going to expand to include a few more to shed some light on how it sucks to be a nice girl in the dating world. hold onto your hats! (or keyboards, or phones, or whatever.. this is gonna be a wild ride.)
1) i once dated a dude for a little over a summer who thought the world was going to end in 2012, didn't believe in climate change (something that i was extremely passionate about, come on), and was convinced that his dad who passed away was a ghost in his parents' bedroom, where he would greet the ghost every time he walked by his parents' bedroom. i put up with all of these quirky characteristics because, at the time, i didn't know how to date. as time wore on, he had all of these ideas that we were going to be together forever and travel the world. he was mid to late twenties with a going nowhere job and i was early twenties just trying to get my BA. i broke up with him a few months before i left for new zealand, citing that i was leaving and wasn't sure when i would be back (an outright lie, i knew exactly when i was returning) and he didn't take it well. years later, he dates a girl who i used to work with. whenever we worked together, people mistakenly thought we were the same person.
2) i went on a date with a friend of a friend during my first month in the city. i had met him at a party and thought he was mildly attractive, so i decided to give him my number. we went out for drinks and i'm not sure i said more than four words the entire night. this is when i realized that i can't stand dudes who over talk me or interrupt me when i'm speaking. we ended up at a friend's event near my place and go back to my place for some reason, probably to play games because he was super nerdy. but he took the "let's play games" as a "let's makeout" and after 5 minutes of super awkward making out, i said i was tired and kicked him out.
over the next few months, i'd get weekly calls and texts from him to hang out. rarely, i would respond. one day, he propositioned to take me to a show i really wanted to see but was too god damned expensive. he had tickets already and offered them up to me for free. i declined. "free" means "sex" and buddy, that wasn't going to happen. eventually, he stopped texting me but would facebook me on occasion until i removed him from facebook also. i run into him a couple times a year at mutual friends' events and he still says that he wants to hang out and catch up. take a hint.
3) i get a message on plenty of fish from a dude that looks oddly familiar. oh, it's that dude that dated one of my friends in high school for a little while. you moved up the street from me? cool. let's hang as i'm 99% sure we're just gonna hang as friends and i wouldn't have touched you even if you hadn't dated one of my friends before. the entire night feels like two long lost friends catching up. he offers to go back to his place and play games. seriously. is this where i go wrong? I JUST WANT TO PLAY GAMES. he makes a move on me and i push him away. he tells me i clearly wanted it because of what i'm wearing. i'm wearing knee-length jean shorts and a v-neck. yes. i wanted you based off what i'm wearing. i couldn't get out of there fast enough.
4) i used to frequent a radio chat at my old job. a bunch of folks known as regulars at various offices downtown toronto would talk about music, politics, food, beer, whatever, and it became my solace at my job. somehow, i get to talking to a new dude and exchange emails. the same day, i pass along my number to him. i'm still at work. within the two hours from my last hour of work until the time i got home, he had texted me over ten times. i responded a couple of times when i got home only to get more replies about things i didn't care about. not this again. i stop responding. the next day, i get about thirty text messages from him. i don't respond at all. the following day, he texts me another four times before i text back asking, "who is this?" and he responds with who he is and how we know each other. i respond back with "no, i don't know anyone named that, i just got this number" and i never hear from him again until a few days later when he emails me asking what happened to me. in true fashion, i didn't respond. this thing called silence? it means "no".
5) a dude messages me on plenty of fish in early january and identifies himself to me as a recruiter after several messages back and forth. as i had just come back from a stint of being horribly sick, was still undergoing testing, and was still unemployed, i decided to give this dude a chance at helping me find a job and maybe a friendship. after what seemed like way too many emails and me in a constant flaking mood since i was still feeling terrible all the time, i finally gave up my number. we met once for coffee and to discuss my resume. similar to dude #2 above, i probably got in about four words the entire night. i was not attracted and didn't think i could even have a friendship with this dude. but he WAS a recruiter, so maybe he could find me a job.
every day, he would send me job postings and links to job things i should know. he fixed my resume and kept asking for feedback. every other day, he would text me and ask to hang out. slow down, dude. i'm just coming back from the brink of almost dying a few months ago - i told you this - maybe you should, i don't know, back off a little. i'd respond, about weekly, to his emails regarding my job search. i would never respond to his texts. when i received a job offer and started my job without the help of him, i told him i got a job and he offered to take me out for a beer to celebrate. ugh, okay. fine. we met up again for a beer and while he rambled on about things i didn't care about, i quickly finished my couple of beers (because he had ordered another one for me without even asking if i had wanted another one) and got out of there as fast as i could. the next day, he texts asking to go see a movie. i tell him no. a few days later, he texts again asking to get a drink. i don't respond. every week from then on, he texts me at least twice a week asking to hang out. i never respond. then, one day, he gets the nerve to call me. while i'm at work. i don't talk to people on the phone unless they're good friends or relatives. i actually feel like this when i get a phone call. when i don't answer, he sends me a text and asks if i'm getting his texts because he hasn't heard from me. this goes on for what seems like MONTHS until one day, i tell him to stop messaging me, and he FINALLY does.
earlier this week, i log into my linkedin for the first time in a long time and notice that he was one of the people who had viewed my profile. fuck. i still have him on linkedin. i remove him immediately. yesterday, i get an email from him asking if i want to get a drink. i respond that i'm not interested and for him to stop messaging me. he says that i should stop looking at his linkedin profile. i tell him i had to because that's how you remove people from your linkedin. he replies and starts an email argument with me, saying that i'm "not a nice person". uhhh. i forgot to mention that this dude is a rob ford supporter - so i probably should've stopped the conversation right then and there, but i played on.
i told him that it was cool that he thought i wasn't a nice person because i didn't want to hang out with him. he told me that i'm "weird and unkempt" - that he was "more excited about my profession than i am" and the list went on. sorry. i'm weird? let's put things into perspective here. not once did i ever request to hang out with him. not once was i ever flirty or out of line in any of the maybe six phrases i said in the times we hung out.
of course, this was the most complete bullshit defense tactic in rejection - taking stabs at the other person's appearance and demeanor, even though it was him who kept making remarks about my "hot body" and how he liked that i dressed "casual". and because i wasn't going to take this bullshit, i responded:
"Cool story bro. You think I'm weird and unkempt? You love to make no sense. You don't know how to take "no" for an answer. You don't know how to take silence as a no. You don't know anything about keeping distance or realizing that you aren't liked by someone. And THAT part makes sense, considering you're a Ford supporter. You're the one who constantly badgered me to hang out or talk when I was clearly NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT. Not of a friendship. Not of dating. Not even really of you trying to find me a job, which you failed at anyway. You're going to play the defensive card and call me out on being weird? I have news for you buddy, maybe take a step back and analyze how people perceive you and how terrible of a person you really are."
he replied back, calling me psycho and that i should go watch some cartoons. my only response was: "you're a child. grow the fuck up."
HE RESPONDS BACK TWICE.
i didn't respond to either of them. they weren't worth my time.
so yes, in these cases, it's totally not me; it's them.
May 15, 2014
woo hoo classic simpsons trivia 2: electric boogaloo
i've mentioned before how awesome simpsons trivia is and how it's now a staple in my monthly budget of going out and having fun.
and in less than a year of finding a team, meeting some of the best new friends, and coming in second place for too many months in a row, i'm proud to finally say we came in first place for may trivia!!
yes, the irony was that our team name was "born to runner up" and we came in first place. winning by a 4 point margin was also amazing. getting the front table next month will be sweet.
we also got really fun calendars for winning.
2014, you are doing a really good job of redeeming yourself for the shit i had to put up with in 2013. keep these good times coming, please.
if you can't get on my need for simpsons trivia in my life, i can't get on you.
and in less than a year of finding a team, meeting some of the best new friends, and coming in second place for too many months in a row, i'm proud to finally say we came in first place for may trivia!!
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| donuts!! |
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| team "born to runner up" |
we also got really fun calendars for winning.
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| i keep it at my desk at work where i need the most cheering up. |
if you can't get on my need for simpsons trivia in my life, i can't get on you.
Mar 30, 2014
an open letter to my loud neighbours
dear apartment 304,
i'd like to start by telling you how we've been neighbours for almost three years now. do you know what that means? it means i've been putting up with your noise for almost three years. in my first year living here, i didn't really know how to react. this was my first apartment. this was my first year in toronto. when i lived in a residence, it was easy for me to yell at my neighbours to shut the fuck up and they would hear me, despite the concrete walls separating rooms. unfortunately, no matter how much i yell through my wall at you to shut the fuck up, you never do.
see, here's the thing: you're louder than i am. i'm not loud. i'm pretty quiet. sure, i can have fun and be social. when i have conversations with friends in my apartment, i'm having a conversation, not a yelling match while we sit next to each other. and these walls? how do you not realize they are paper thin? you know all the construction they do in this building and all the noise? you have to hear it too all the time. it can't just be us.
the first year we were neighbours came and went. i put up with your shit. by the time the second year rolled around, i realized i couldn't function unless i had actually slept. i had early class. i had early work. i had a real job. i slept very lightly. between you, my roommate, and general toronto city noise, i was constantly woken up. do you remember that time you had people over at 4am on a weekday? do you remember how fucking loud you were? i bet you don't. but i sure do. you were so loud that i took a shoe and just banged the wall as loud as i could until you got the fucking memo to shut the fuck up. eventually, you did. it was at this point where i was ready to write you an extremely passive-aggressive note to shut the fuck up during weekdays. but, i held off.
i started using this "bang on the wall until you shut up" technique any time you woke me up and it was an unreasonable hour. for the most part, it worked. the only times when i didn't do this was when you were having loud sex.
remember those paper thin walls? remember how you're loud? remember how your sex is not a porno? yes, it got to a point where i could tell you were faking it. listen, lady. your boyfriend doesn't need the encouragement every single time you have sex. and also, no one has that much great sex all the time. it just doesn't happen. and yes, i know those moans and groans quite well. that's how i know you're faking it. but if i can hear you fake it, it means you're being too fucking loud. there's this thing.. i don't know if you know it, but it's called quiet sex. it's called intimate sex. i can never hear your boyfriend, so for him, it must never be that good. that's why you should definitely stop what you're doing.
this week alone, you've woken me up four different times at unreasonable hours. maybe you're yelling at someone on the phone. maybe you're having loud sex. maybe you're just yelling at each other because you can. maybe you're doing whatever it is the fuck you're doing, but still yelling at each other. that's REAL fucking annoying. even when my roommate and i have people over, you don't hear us. when my roommate and i are in my room talking, you don't hear us. when i'm having sex with a dude, you don't hear us. and i've had some great sex in this apartment. you've still never heard it.
you see, back in kindergarten, we were taught to use our indoor voices and that voices carry. were you not brought up this way? do you not understand that you are the reason why people move in on this floor and move out within the year? it's because i'm not the only neighbour you have. you also share a wall with the apartment directly across the hall from me. i can count at least five people who have moved in and moved out of that apartment over the past three years. we've run into other neighbours on this floor who complain about how loud you are. my roommate and i have come home nights only to hear you "having a party" with what is probably just the two of you and you're so loud that it just sounds like you're actually in the hallway and not in your apartment.
so, last night, when you woke me up at 2am with your loud sex, i was pissed off. i took a shoe and banged on the wall. what did you do? you didn't shut up. you actually banged on the wall back. no, i don't want to join in on your loud sex. i want you to shut the fuck up. i want to sleep without hearing it. after that, i never heard you again. and that's how it should be. i shouldn't hear you in your apartment ever.
seriously, don't make me actually print this blog post and put it in your mailbox. one more incident like this and i'm going to do it.
sincerely,
apartment 303.
i'd like to start by telling you how we've been neighbours for almost three years now. do you know what that means? it means i've been putting up with your noise for almost three years. in my first year living here, i didn't really know how to react. this was my first apartment. this was my first year in toronto. when i lived in a residence, it was easy for me to yell at my neighbours to shut the fuck up and they would hear me, despite the concrete walls separating rooms. unfortunately, no matter how much i yell through my wall at you to shut the fuck up, you never do.
see, here's the thing: you're louder than i am. i'm not loud. i'm pretty quiet. sure, i can have fun and be social. when i have conversations with friends in my apartment, i'm having a conversation, not a yelling match while we sit next to each other. and these walls? how do you not realize they are paper thin? you know all the construction they do in this building and all the noise? you have to hear it too all the time. it can't just be us.
the first year we were neighbours came and went. i put up with your shit. by the time the second year rolled around, i realized i couldn't function unless i had actually slept. i had early class. i had early work. i had a real job. i slept very lightly. between you, my roommate, and general toronto city noise, i was constantly woken up. do you remember that time you had people over at 4am on a weekday? do you remember how fucking loud you were? i bet you don't. but i sure do. you were so loud that i took a shoe and just banged the wall as loud as i could until you got the fucking memo to shut the fuck up. eventually, you did. it was at this point where i was ready to write you an extremely passive-aggressive note to shut the fuck up during weekdays. but, i held off.
i started using this "bang on the wall until you shut up" technique any time you woke me up and it was an unreasonable hour. for the most part, it worked. the only times when i didn't do this was when you were having loud sex.
remember those paper thin walls? remember how you're loud? remember how your sex is not a porno? yes, it got to a point where i could tell you were faking it. listen, lady. your boyfriend doesn't need the encouragement every single time you have sex. and also, no one has that much great sex all the time. it just doesn't happen. and yes, i know those moans and groans quite well. that's how i know you're faking it. but if i can hear you fake it, it means you're being too fucking loud. there's this thing.. i don't know if you know it, but it's called quiet sex. it's called intimate sex. i can never hear your boyfriend, so for him, it must never be that good. that's why you should definitely stop what you're doing.
this week alone, you've woken me up four different times at unreasonable hours. maybe you're yelling at someone on the phone. maybe you're having loud sex. maybe you're just yelling at each other because you can. maybe you're doing whatever it is the fuck you're doing, but still yelling at each other. that's REAL fucking annoying. even when my roommate and i have people over, you don't hear us. when my roommate and i are in my room talking, you don't hear us. when i'm having sex with a dude, you don't hear us. and i've had some great sex in this apartment. you've still never heard it.
you see, back in kindergarten, we were taught to use our indoor voices and that voices carry. were you not brought up this way? do you not understand that you are the reason why people move in on this floor and move out within the year? it's because i'm not the only neighbour you have. you also share a wall with the apartment directly across the hall from me. i can count at least five people who have moved in and moved out of that apartment over the past three years. we've run into other neighbours on this floor who complain about how loud you are. my roommate and i have come home nights only to hear you "having a party" with what is probably just the two of you and you're so loud that it just sounds like you're actually in the hallway and not in your apartment.
so, last night, when you woke me up at 2am with your loud sex, i was pissed off. i took a shoe and banged on the wall. what did you do? you didn't shut up. you actually banged on the wall back. no, i don't want to join in on your loud sex. i want you to shut the fuck up. i want to sleep without hearing it. after that, i never heard you again. and that's how it should be. i shouldn't hear you in your apartment ever.
seriously, don't make me actually print this blog post and put it in your mailbox. one more incident like this and i'm going to do it.
sincerely,
apartment 303.
Feb 12, 2014
woo hoo classic simpsons trivia
in 2012, i made a craigslist missed connection post to a dude i saw on the subway one morning on my way to school. he was a mega hunk and we exchanged some flirtatious smiles and glances.
i received a shit ton of responses, but one dude in particular was convinced that it was him. after an exchange of pictures, it turns out it wasn't him, but he was cute enough that we became friends. it also ended up that he was from niagara and living in toronto. we had a few niagara friends in common and were probably at some of the same social gatherings once or twice but were never introduced.
several months pass and we don't really talk. he barely uses facebook until one day, he messages me and asks if i think i'd be any good at simpsons trivia. i was ecstatic. why yes, i'd probably be pretty decent at it. he told me about woo hoo classic simpsons trivia toronto and i was stoked. i studied up and in july 2012, made it out to my first trivia night. it was the first time i had met this dude and he brought along a few friends on his team. i don't remember much about how we did in points or questions. i remember one question - what was the name of the babysitting service the simpsons used. yeah, you know, that one. rubber baby buggy bumper babysitting service. needless to say, i didn't get it then and i still had to look it up now.
two things i can definitely recall from the night: this dude was insanely attractive and this was the most fun i've had since moving to toronto. after it was all over, i became friends with the rest of the team and hoped to return the following month. unfortunately, that never seemed to happen. as much as i made attempts to get in touch with the team to go, they never responded. i was at a loss. i figured i'd never get to go again.
in may 2013, i round up a group of friends who know something about the simpsons and we make it out. we did pretty awful but still got something in the 15-20 point range. around this time, i started following some trivia related people on twitter and kept asking if i could join a team. i just wanted to participate in trivia so badly. eventually, i make plans to join a twitter dude's team on twitter and in july 2013, a friend and i ventured out to join this team. the dude himself wasn't actually there but everybody seemed to get along fine and i made some new friends.
i went again in august, october, december, january, and most recently, february. last night was the valentine's day edition. every month we seemed to do better and better but it was difficult to know whether or not we would place in the top 3. in september or november, when i missed those months, one of the winning teams graciously offered my team leftover donuts. my new goal was to at least be present when donuts were offered or, well, you know, actually come in the top 3 and get donuts for myself.
last night, we came in second place! donuts were glorious and surprisingly, i did the best i've ever done at trivia by knowing the answers to nearly 95% of all questions asked. born to runner up. next month, we place in first. with a perfect score (50/50) like the team first place team did in february.
i received a shit ton of responses, but one dude in particular was convinced that it was him. after an exchange of pictures, it turns out it wasn't him, but he was cute enough that we became friends. it also ended up that he was from niagara and living in toronto. we had a few niagara friends in common and were probably at some of the same social gatherings once or twice but were never introduced.
several months pass and we don't really talk. he barely uses facebook until one day, he messages me and asks if i think i'd be any good at simpsons trivia. i was ecstatic. why yes, i'd probably be pretty decent at it. he told me about woo hoo classic simpsons trivia toronto and i was stoked. i studied up and in july 2012, made it out to my first trivia night. it was the first time i had met this dude and he brought along a few friends on his team. i don't remember much about how we did in points or questions. i remember one question - what was the name of the babysitting service the simpsons used. yeah, you know, that one. rubber baby buggy bumper babysitting service. needless to say, i didn't get it then and i still had to look it up now.
two things i can definitely recall from the night: this dude was insanely attractive and this was the most fun i've had since moving to toronto. after it was all over, i became friends with the rest of the team and hoped to return the following month. unfortunately, that never seemed to happen. as much as i made attempts to get in touch with the team to go, they never responded. i was at a loss. i figured i'd never get to go again.
in may 2013, i round up a group of friends who know something about the simpsons and we make it out. we did pretty awful but still got something in the 15-20 point range. around this time, i started following some trivia related people on twitter and kept asking if i could join a team. i just wanted to participate in trivia so badly. eventually, i make plans to join a twitter dude's team on twitter and in july 2013, a friend and i ventured out to join this team. the dude himself wasn't actually there but everybody seemed to get along fine and i made some new friends.
i went again in august, october, december, january, and most recently, february. last night was the valentine's day edition. every month we seemed to do better and better but it was difficult to know whether or not we would place in the top 3. in september or november, when i missed those months, one of the winning teams graciously offered my team leftover donuts. my new goal was to at least be present when donuts were offered or, well, you know, actually come in the top 3 and get donuts for myself.
last night, we came in second place! donuts were glorious and surprisingly, i did the best i've ever done at trivia by knowing the answers to nearly 95% of all questions asked. born to runner up. next month, we place in first. with a perfect score (50/50) like the team first place team did in february.
 | |
| donuts!! |
Dec 5, 2013
i forget what it feels like to be healthy
i'm still not 100% as we've now hit the fourth month of being sick.
i had an appointment with a toronto urologist on tuesday after i finished the remaining c diff antibiotics friday night. i never want to see, taste, or take another pill ever again. and i never want to wake up with a new side effect ever again.
think of the absolute worst hangover you've had in your life. the nausea. the body aches. the headache. then multiply it by about 1000 and there you have how i felt for 5 days. constant, 24 hour nausea. what's worse is that i had to take the antibiotics with food or else it would be bad. ever tried eating when you're nauseous as fuck? it's not good.
i told the toronto urologist about all of my problems and all he could really tell me is that it sounds like i've just had an extremely unlucky set of events in the past four months. his sympathy was greatly appreciated once he put it into perspective. and here, i thought it was just me. he scheduled me for a cystoscopy for next week. they're gonna look inside my bladder and see if there's something in there causing the infections.
before any of this started, i never had a dream that involved doctors, hospitals, or me being sick. a few days before i was hospitalized back in september, i had a dream that i was seeing a doctor who told me i had a "self inflicted STD" - whatever that means. it's stuck with me, even though it didn't make any sense. i hadn't been with anyone and well, let's be honest, hadn't really helped myself out much either.
before i met with the toronto urologist, i had a dream i was back in the hospital undergoing some kind of a procedure for an "embolism" - but they were sticking needles in my tummy. again, this is a dream that's stuck with me because my subconscious seems to know when something is wrong with me before my body does.
and although i'm back on the job hunt in the most minimal way and back to having stupid, waste of my time interviews (like the ones i had yesterday, amongst the other five hundred people looking to score similar positions by meeting with an employer for 5 minutes), i just want to be better before i get out there again.
there's no telling when i'm actually going to feel 100%, as i kind of forget what that feels like. it has been over four months since i've felt healthy.
i'll just continue to take this one day at a time.
i had an appointment with a toronto urologist on tuesday after i finished the remaining c diff antibiotics friday night. i never want to see, taste, or take another pill ever again. and i never want to wake up with a new side effect ever again.
think of the absolute worst hangover you've had in your life. the nausea. the body aches. the headache. then multiply it by about 1000 and there you have how i felt for 5 days. constant, 24 hour nausea. what's worse is that i had to take the antibiotics with food or else it would be bad. ever tried eating when you're nauseous as fuck? it's not good.
i told the toronto urologist about all of my problems and all he could really tell me is that it sounds like i've just had an extremely unlucky set of events in the past four months. his sympathy was greatly appreciated once he put it into perspective. and here, i thought it was just me. he scheduled me for a cystoscopy for next week. they're gonna look inside my bladder and see if there's something in there causing the infections.
before any of this started, i never had a dream that involved doctors, hospitals, or me being sick. a few days before i was hospitalized back in september, i had a dream that i was seeing a doctor who told me i had a "self inflicted STD" - whatever that means. it's stuck with me, even though it didn't make any sense. i hadn't been with anyone and well, let's be honest, hadn't really helped myself out much either.
before i met with the toronto urologist, i had a dream i was back in the hospital undergoing some kind of a procedure for an "embolism" - but they were sticking needles in my tummy. again, this is a dream that's stuck with me because my subconscious seems to know when something is wrong with me before my body does.
and although i'm back on the job hunt in the most minimal way and back to having stupid, waste of my time interviews (like the ones i had yesterday, amongst the other five hundred people looking to score similar positions by meeting with an employer for 5 minutes), i just want to be better before i get out there again.
there's no telling when i'm actually going to feel 100%, as i kind of forget what that feels like. it has been over four months since i've felt healthy.
i'll just continue to take this one day at a time.
Sep 11, 2013
my first toronto hospital experience
it's been a rough few days.
work had been so hectic last week. on friday, i wasn't sure what to do for lunch, so i went to a food court and picked up some chinese food to eat at my desk through lunch. it just so happened that HBC was promoting "free lunch fridays" and bought me my food. that was swell of them. i ate most of it pretty fast.
a few hours later, i was having intense stomach pain. oh good. the chinese food and my tummy are battling it out. i was not impressed. i left work early and came home to the next 4-5 hours of being seriously nauseous. i had food poisoning earlier in february, and that was not fun. plus, i had one other day in march i think, where i was so hungover all day & i didn't even drink that much.. but must have been the mix of wine & beer.
anyway, saturday, i still felt like crap. not overly nauseous but crappy enough. by sunday, i was starting to feel a little better but still had some minimal stomach pain. sunday night, the pain was so severe that i couldn't sleep and could barely move. yep, it was time to go to the hospital. at 2am, i left my place and hailed a taxi who took me so st. mike's. i was registered and waiting by 2:30am. by 3am, i was in a hospital bed and things were moving relatively quickly. they took some bloodwork, a urine sample, and i had a variety of doctors and nurses come by to check me out and see how i'm doing. they gave me some tylenol 3's for the pain and my in-and-out fever.
sometime after 5, the majority of the tests had come back and were all negative so they decided to keep me overnight for an ultrasound in the morning. i tried to get some rest as they stapled the guy's skull who was in the room next to me. that's something i could've done without hearing. at 6:30am. they moved me to a new room and a comfier bed where i was supposed to sleep because it was quieter, except it wasn't. at 8am, i was being prepped by a nurse for my ultrasound, and shortly after 9am, i had my first (and hopefully last) ultrasound.
i'll admit, i was really scared at this point. i was in a lot of pain, high on tylenol 3's, cold, anxious, nervous, nauseated, and not only was it my first time in a toronto hospital, but it was my first time in any hospital alone. prior to this was my case of appendicitis in 2008.. and man, have we come a long way in technological medical advances since then! for instance, the fancy new IVs? yeah, in 2008, i had to be hooked up to one of those wheely carts. now i could walk freely around!
by 10am, i was back in my hospital bed waiting patiently for my results. a new nurse came by and started talking to me. she told me i looked okay and that sometimes, it's nothing. i think she knew how scared and nervous i was. she really helped ease my fear. i was also sleepless at this point, so i'm sure that didn't help.
around 11am, a new doctor came to see me and told me that everything on the ultrasound was normal, healthy, & functional. but that my urine sample was positive for a bladder infection/kidney infection, so he'd put me on antibiotics for 10 days. i'm relieved.
what i had was something treatable! they gave me a pill, some water & juice, a cheese sandwich to eat, and my prescription, but didn't tell me i could leave. before i had even finished my sandwich, an orderly had come by to change my bed. uh, i guess i can leave then? i asked around to make sure.. and i did. maybe you should be clearer in your communication to me, rather than just handing me some stuff and leaving, without saying anything.
i noticed right away that the pill had taken the stomach pain away. i felt better for most of the day and took another pill before bed. on tuesday morning, i woke up and felt.. okay. not great. i took a pill and went about my getting ready for work routine. but when i got to work, i felt like absolute shit. i lasted 2 hours and came home to my back being super sore. i tried a couple of tylenol, but that didn't help and made me feel nauseous. i was in and out of fever & chills all afternoon. sometime after 6pm, i fell asleep and woke up after 8 feeling much better and less nauseous. i took another pill and went to bed, but didn't sleep that great.
instead of bothering to go to work today, when i woke up, i still felt like crap. i took a pill and felt better. i've been able to eat today and somehow managed to do laundry and clean the kitchen. but now i'm beat and feel a fever. it could also just be this heat. y'know, 43 degrees in september. it figures i'd be sick on the hottest days of the year.
i'm alive and stuff. for those of you who were with me through this entire wild ride, thanks! you definitely made my toronto hospital visit a better experience.
work had been so hectic last week. on friday, i wasn't sure what to do for lunch, so i went to a food court and picked up some chinese food to eat at my desk through lunch. it just so happened that HBC was promoting "free lunch fridays" and bought me my food. that was swell of them. i ate most of it pretty fast.
a few hours later, i was having intense stomach pain. oh good. the chinese food and my tummy are battling it out. i was not impressed. i left work early and came home to the next 4-5 hours of being seriously nauseous. i had food poisoning earlier in february, and that was not fun. plus, i had one other day in march i think, where i was so hungover all day & i didn't even drink that much.. but must have been the mix of wine & beer.
anyway, saturday, i still felt like crap. not overly nauseous but crappy enough. by sunday, i was starting to feel a little better but still had some minimal stomach pain. sunday night, the pain was so severe that i couldn't sleep and could barely move. yep, it was time to go to the hospital. at 2am, i left my place and hailed a taxi who took me so st. mike's. i was registered and waiting by 2:30am. by 3am, i was in a hospital bed and things were moving relatively quickly. they took some bloodwork, a urine sample, and i had a variety of doctors and nurses come by to check me out and see how i'm doing. they gave me some tylenol 3's for the pain and my in-and-out fever.sometime after 5, the majority of the tests had come back and were all negative so they decided to keep me overnight for an ultrasound in the morning. i tried to get some rest as they stapled the guy's skull who was in the room next to me. that's something i could've done without hearing. at 6:30am. they moved me to a new room and a comfier bed where i was supposed to sleep because it was quieter, except it wasn't. at 8am, i was being prepped by a nurse for my ultrasound, and shortly after 9am, i had my first (and hopefully last) ultrasound.
 |
| fancy new IVs |
by 10am, i was back in my hospital bed waiting patiently for my results. a new nurse came by and started talking to me. she told me i looked okay and that sometimes, it's nothing. i think she knew how scared and nervous i was. she really helped ease my fear. i was also sleepless at this point, so i'm sure that didn't help.
around 11am, a new doctor came to see me and told me that everything on the ultrasound was normal, healthy, & functional. but that my urine sample was positive for a bladder infection/kidney infection, so he'd put me on antibiotics for 10 days. i'm relieved.
what i had was something treatable! they gave me a pill, some water & juice, a cheese sandwich to eat, and my prescription, but didn't tell me i could leave. before i had even finished my sandwich, an orderly had come by to change my bed. uh, i guess i can leave then? i asked around to make sure.. and i did. maybe you should be clearer in your communication to me, rather than just handing me some stuff and leaving, without saying anything.
i noticed right away that the pill had taken the stomach pain away. i felt better for most of the day and took another pill before bed. on tuesday morning, i woke up and felt.. okay. not great. i took a pill and went about my getting ready for work routine. but when i got to work, i felt like absolute shit. i lasted 2 hours and came home to my back being super sore. i tried a couple of tylenol, but that didn't help and made me feel nauseous. i was in and out of fever & chills all afternoon. sometime after 6pm, i fell asleep and woke up after 8 feeling much better and less nauseous. i took another pill and went to bed, but didn't sleep that great.
instead of bothering to go to work today, when i woke up, i still felt like crap. i took a pill and felt better. i've been able to eat today and somehow managed to do laundry and clean the kitchen. but now i'm beat and feel a fever. it could also just be this heat. y'know, 43 degrees in september. it figures i'd be sick on the hottest days of the year.
i'm alive and stuff. for those of you who were with me through this entire wild ride, thanks! you definitely made my toronto hospital visit a better experience.
Sep 1, 2013
2 years of toronto livin'
today's the day that i've officially lived in toronto for 2 years. 2 years!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
where did the time go?
i finished two post-grads. i finished 3 unpaid internships. i worked a conference. i met lots of new and interesting people. i hooked up with dudes. i dated dudes. i broke off things with dudes. dudes broke off things with me. i lost some people. i grew closer with others. i found places in the city that i enjoy and places in the city that i can't stand. i watched as friends everywhere started new chapters of their lives or stayed completely the same. i got a job break: 1 year & 11 months into living in toronto.
and i really couldn't be happier with the choices and decisions i've made in the last 2 years because they've all shaped me into a better person, one way or another.
this is also the first time since kindergarten where it's september and i'm not going back to school. that's a strange feeling. but it's about time, i guess.
i'm celebrating a lot of things tonight. my 2 years in toronto. a good friend visiting for the weekend. another friend who got married today. and one more who's leaving for france to start his masters. these are all exciting times for everyone involved. we're all getting older and moving into new phases of our lives. it's hard to believe that in a month from now, i'll be 25. i know that i've accomplished a lot in my short little life and i'm looking forward to the next 25 years!
here's to many more exciting toronto years to come!
Jul 18, 2013
maybe i'm just tired
fuck you, july.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
Apr 30, 2013
honours distinction & a vacation
ladies and gentelemen,
i've been recommended for graduation with honours distinction in green business management!
what a good way to end off my "last" year of school. i say last because, well, someday, i'm going to do a masters. i just have no idea when. or in what. sustainable leadership at guelph comes to mind. but.. that's far in the distance.
now onto things that matter: the job hunt.
i had a few interviews before i left for vegas oh right, i went to vegas. i'll talk about that in a bit.
1) an in-person interview with a publishing company for an administrative internship for 2 months, full time. it paid. not much, but it was money. i didn't get it.
2) a phone interview for a data analyst position at a research firm. full time. it paid. not an internship. this was a real job. i blew the phone interview, like, hard. and they still wanted to meet me (score!) so yeah, that happened.
3) another phone interview for a hotel for something i'm not even sure what it was but they called it an internship. this fell through immediately since they were looking for someone that needed a co-op. well, fuck. list that in your job posting! ass.
4) lastly, was a phone interview for summer receptionist place at a specialist organization. it was your standard, full time, summer, minimum wage crap. whatever. i didn't get it.
i had the in-person interview for the data analyst position today and things were going ridiculously well until they told me that they weren't hiring right away and probably wouldn't hire someone new until the fall. well, fuck. why even bother putting up a job posting and pressing for interviews if you're not gonna hire until 4 months from now? god damn. i don't get it. maybe that's just their way of politely telling me to fuck off. it seemed like something i'd be pretty rad at, too. ugh.
did i mention before that i had an interview with a tour guiding place? yeah, that was a weird one. they only paid minimum wage. i never heard from them but it's my own fault for not following up. i honestly just didn't give a fuck. i'm worth more than minimum wage. and even though i highly enjoy tour guiding/customer service crap, i wasn't good enough. hey yeah, fuck you too.
this wasn't meant to sound as negative as it does. but this is my life for the next well.. forever. until i get a job. there's a shred of optimism left. i'll make it through.
i applied to ten other jobs today. i start training for the temporary conference job tomorrow and have 18 hours of work over 2 days. so, i make some money. plus getting paid for 5 hours of training. it's all minimum wage, but i don't care. it's easy and it's fun. i'm happy they hired me on. 7:30am start time sorta sucks though.
oh right, vegas!
maybe i mentioned this before. maybe i didn't. my family booked tickets back in january for 5 days in vegas. it was pretty cool. highlights include seeing lots of stuff, doing lots of stuff, and eating lots of stuff.
monday: got to the airport at like 6:30am for an 8am flight (ughsdklhskjlgasd) and flew to vegas. checked in at the hotel vdara and went somewhere on the strip for lunch. walked around for awhile trying to figure stuff out. maybe went to the pool? i don't know. we passed out early. saw the fountains at the bellagio.
tuesday: walked up and down the strip looking at various casinos, hotels, and things. gambled on the blue jays losing against the orioles and won a shit ton of money. thank you, jays, for losing. had afternoon beers with my brother at a sports bar and watched the game. went to a world famous expensive sushi restaurant for dinner (nobu) but felt like absolute crap. ate anyway but couldn't enjoy it until nearing the end. would go again but it's fucking expensive. amazing sushi though. had an early night after 'cause i still felt like crap.
wednesday: left the strip and went to red rock canyon. did the tour. went to the red rock canyon indoor climbing gym and spent the afternoon there. i didn't want to leave. it was just amazing rock climbing and gorgeous tattooed dudes with muscles and beards everywhere. heaven. went to the stratosphere and walked around there a bit. was going to have dinner in the revolving restaurant but didn't; too expensive. had happy hour in the lounge instead. walked down that end of the strip a bit and went to circus circus amongst other places. then headed back to vdara and an amazing takeout manadarin chicken salad. passed out shortly after.
thursday: went to check out fremont street. walked around there. tried to go to insert coins but it was closed. had lunch at the patio place next to it. came back to the hotel for a nap and a change. headed out for an early dinner and then saw cirque du soleil's love. great show. went to a pizza place in the casino after. stayed out a bit and saw the strip at night and a couple of the hourly shows on the strip. then back to the hotel.
friday: slept in, packed up all our shit, and checked out of the hotel. gambled away the last of my money before heading to the airport and flying back to buffalo and hanging out in niagara for 2 days. got back to toronto monday morning.
didn't get to experience a whole lot of nightlife, but still a neat place. got a lot of weird stories to tell friends about the trip that maybe aren't exactly meant for a blog post.
las vegas: complete
i've been recommended for graduation with honours distinction in green business management!
what a good way to end off my "last" year of school. i say last because, well, someday, i'm going to do a masters. i just have no idea when. or in what. sustainable leadership at guelph comes to mind. but.. that's far in the distance.
now onto things that matter: the job hunt.
i had a few interviews before i left for vegas oh right, i went to vegas. i'll talk about that in a bit.
1) an in-person interview with a publishing company for an administrative internship for 2 months, full time. it paid. not much, but it was money. i didn't get it.
2) a phone interview for a data analyst position at a research firm. full time. it paid. not an internship. this was a real job. i blew the phone interview, like, hard. and they still wanted to meet me (score!) so yeah, that happened.
3) another phone interview for a hotel for something i'm not even sure what it was but they called it an internship. this fell through immediately since they were looking for someone that needed a co-op. well, fuck. list that in your job posting! ass.
4) lastly, was a phone interview for summer receptionist place at a specialist organization. it was your standard, full time, summer, minimum wage crap. whatever. i didn't get it.
i had the in-person interview for the data analyst position today and things were going ridiculously well until they told me that they weren't hiring right away and probably wouldn't hire someone new until the fall. well, fuck. why even bother putting up a job posting and pressing for interviews if you're not gonna hire until 4 months from now? god damn. i don't get it. maybe that's just their way of politely telling me to fuck off. it seemed like something i'd be pretty rad at, too. ugh.
did i mention before that i had an interview with a tour guiding place? yeah, that was a weird one. they only paid minimum wage. i never heard from them but it's my own fault for not following up. i honestly just didn't give a fuck. i'm worth more than minimum wage. and even though i highly enjoy tour guiding/customer service crap, i wasn't good enough. hey yeah, fuck you too.
this wasn't meant to sound as negative as it does. but this is my life for the next well.. forever. until i get a job. there's a shred of optimism left. i'll make it through.
i applied to ten other jobs today. i start training for the temporary conference job tomorrow and have 18 hours of work over 2 days. so, i make some money. plus getting paid for 5 hours of training. it's all minimum wage, but i don't care. it's easy and it's fun. i'm happy they hired me on. 7:30am start time sorta sucks though.
oh right, vegas!
maybe i mentioned this before. maybe i didn't. my family booked tickets back in january for 5 days in vegas. it was pretty cool. highlights include seeing lots of stuff, doing lots of stuff, and eating lots of stuff.
monday: got to the airport at like 6:30am for an 8am flight (ughsdklhskjlgasd) and flew to vegas. checked in at the hotel vdara and went somewhere on the strip for lunch. walked around for awhile trying to figure stuff out. maybe went to the pool? i don't know. we passed out early. saw the fountains at the bellagio.
tuesday: walked up and down the strip looking at various casinos, hotels, and things. gambled on the blue jays losing against the orioles and won a shit ton of money. thank you, jays, for losing. had afternoon beers with my brother at a sports bar and watched the game. went to a world famous expensive sushi restaurant for dinner (nobu) but felt like absolute crap. ate anyway but couldn't enjoy it until nearing the end. would go again but it's fucking expensive. amazing sushi though. had an early night after 'cause i still felt like crap.
wednesday: left the strip and went to red rock canyon. did the tour. went to the red rock canyon indoor climbing gym and spent the afternoon there. i didn't want to leave. it was just amazing rock climbing and gorgeous tattooed dudes with muscles and beards everywhere. heaven. went to the stratosphere and walked around there a bit. was going to have dinner in the revolving restaurant but didn't; too expensive. had happy hour in the lounge instead. walked down that end of the strip a bit and went to circus circus amongst other places. then headed back to vdara and an amazing takeout manadarin chicken salad. passed out shortly after.
thursday: went to check out fremont street. walked around there. tried to go to insert coins but it was closed. had lunch at the patio place next to it. came back to the hotel for a nap and a change. headed out for an early dinner and then saw cirque du soleil's love. great show. went to a pizza place in the casino after. stayed out a bit and saw the strip at night and a couple of the hourly shows on the strip. then back to the hotel.
friday: slept in, packed up all our shit, and checked out of the hotel. gambled away the last of my money before heading to the airport and flying back to buffalo and hanging out in niagara for 2 days. got back to toronto monday morning.
didn't get to experience a whole lot of nightlife, but still a neat place. got a lot of weird stories to tell friends about the trip that maybe aren't exactly meant for a blog post.
las vegas: complete
May 2, 2012
unemployed? nah, just looking.
ladies and gentlemen, i'm proud to announce to you that i have been recommended for graduation and will be receiving an ontario graduate certificate at the end of june. 8 months really did go by very quickly.
a thorough review of the last 8 months will be happening shortly.
in the meantime on the job front, i applied to an event staffing place at the end of april who told me to come in and fill out an application. i took the over an hour commute to the headquarters and met with the dude doing the hiring. he basically told me that they would review my application and contact me when i was needed. i help with events and festivals throughout the city of toronto. he sends all the information about the upcoming event/festival via email and i get to choose whether i'd like to work it or pass on it. he said it was likely that i could get full time hours if i wanted.
this sounded fantastic to me as i'd get to work outside all summer and make some money. it wasn't directly related to the environment but it is tourism, so that was okay. also, it was the first place to hire me and with the way things were going, i decided to take it. i told them i was available to work that weekend and they never got back to me. i emailed asking when i would start and they said "the busy season would be starting soon" and he'd be in touch when i was needed.
this job hasn't exactly stopped me from applying to other jobs. i applied for a program coordinator position with a hostel and got a call for an interview. however, after returning the call and getting voice mail, i never received another call again. a couple days later, i went home and emailed the dude asking if interviews were still happening. he calls that day and says he could interview me right then if i was available -- but i was at home. well, shit. if this place couldn't organize set interview times and call me back, i didn't believe they were worth my time. also, i had heard the hostel wasn't that nice. it just essentially would have been a place to utilize the skills i've learned from the past 8 months.
i had a marketing firm call me and ask for an interview even though i didn't apply to them. they came across my resume on monster. i forgot that i even had a resume posted up there. they called on friday and again on monday. i returned the call on monday and they're primary focus was telemarketing/cold calling with financial institutions. totally not what i'm looking for. they said if anything comes up in the environmental field, they would let me know. i highly doubt that'll happen, but i thanked them for their interest in me.
today, after applying to another job at the same environmental store that i've applied to probably about 2-3 times in the last couple of months, i got a call from them but they didn't leave a message. i thought this was very strange. what employer calls and doesn't leave a message?
i'm also enjoying the number of rejection emails i get -- both personalized and unpersonalized. at least i know my resumes are getting read.. even if my resume isn't good enough. two of the dream jobs i applied for are out -- rejected. i've totally re-done both my resume and cover letter. i really hope it helps.
man, i friggin' hate the job search.
a thorough review of the last 8 months will be happening shortly.
in the meantime on the job front, i applied to an event staffing place at the end of april who told me to come in and fill out an application. i took the over an hour commute to the headquarters and met with the dude doing the hiring. he basically told me that they would review my application and contact me when i was needed. i help with events and festivals throughout the city of toronto. he sends all the information about the upcoming event/festival via email and i get to choose whether i'd like to work it or pass on it. he said it was likely that i could get full time hours if i wanted.
this sounded fantastic to me as i'd get to work outside all summer and make some money. it wasn't directly related to the environment but it is tourism, so that was okay. also, it was the first place to hire me and with the way things were going, i decided to take it. i told them i was available to work that weekend and they never got back to me. i emailed asking when i would start and they said "the busy season would be starting soon" and he'd be in touch when i was needed.
this job hasn't exactly stopped me from applying to other jobs. i applied for a program coordinator position with a hostel and got a call for an interview. however, after returning the call and getting voice mail, i never received another call again. a couple days later, i went home and emailed the dude asking if interviews were still happening. he calls that day and says he could interview me right then if i was available -- but i was at home. well, shit. if this place couldn't organize set interview times and call me back, i didn't believe they were worth my time. also, i had heard the hostel wasn't that nice. it just essentially would have been a place to utilize the skills i've learned from the past 8 months.
i had a marketing firm call me and ask for an interview even though i didn't apply to them. they came across my resume on monster. i forgot that i even had a resume posted up there. they called on friday and again on monday. i returned the call on monday and they're primary focus was telemarketing/cold calling with financial institutions. totally not what i'm looking for. they said if anything comes up in the environmental field, they would let me know. i highly doubt that'll happen, but i thanked them for their interest in me.
today, after applying to another job at the same environmental store that i've applied to probably about 2-3 times in the last couple of months, i got a call from them but they didn't leave a message. i thought this was very strange. what employer calls and doesn't leave a message?
i'm also enjoying the number of rejection emails i get -- both personalized and unpersonalized. at least i know my resumes are getting read.. even if my resume isn't good enough. two of the dream jobs i applied for are out -- rejected. i've totally re-done both my resume and cover letter. i really hope it helps.
man, i friggin' hate the job search.
Mar 2, 2012
the job hunt begins
the last possible day of exams is april 20th. which means there are just under 50 days left of my first post-graduate career.
how did that happen?
so, in 50 days, i'll have an undergraduate degree and a post-graduate degree. and that should make me qualified to do something cool, right? like.. a job with something in my field. like.. a job where i can use what i've learned in the last 6 years and apply it to some kind of a real world situation. am i wrong?
i'll be honest. last year's disappointment in the summer job/career search left me feeling pretty down. i'm still not entirely sure what it was that i was doing wrong -- or if it wasn't me, but rather, them.
a recession.
a terrible employer.
a "we have jobs but we don't have jobs".
a decline in tourism.
a decline in sales.
a decline in jobs.
an overhiring.
the list goes on.
i was not happy with anything that happened last summer and my income definitely reflects that. but there wasn't a whole lot i could do to combat how terrible things were in the job market.
yet, it doesn't seem any different being in toronto. jobs i applied to back in september/december had no calls. jobs i've applied to in january/february still have no calls. jobs i'm applying to now -- for things i know i can do -- have no calls. i have many more connections and networking possibilities in the city but only a couple that can work out to my advantage. but i don't necessarily want to be that kid who gets the sweet job 'cause they know somebody; the ethics and the morals would get the best of me.
i know i'm not the only one suffering trying to find a job. several of my friends who are recent graduates or quit work looking for something better are still having the same issues at attempting to find a job, summer or otherwise.
i'm walking into this job hunt with a little bit of optimism; whatever actually remains from last summer's ridiculous 7 jobs i mostly had for a 2 week span. only because i feel like i have more of an opportunity to land something, whether it's in my field or not, in the city rather than back in niagara.
statistics of 400 applicants for an entry level, minimum wage secretarial position in niagara still scares the fuck out of me.
how did that happen?
so, in 50 days, i'll have an undergraduate degree and a post-graduate degree. and that should make me qualified to do something cool, right? like.. a job with something in my field. like.. a job where i can use what i've learned in the last 6 years and apply it to some kind of a real world situation. am i wrong?
i'll be honest. last year's disappointment in the summer job/career search left me feeling pretty down. i'm still not entirely sure what it was that i was doing wrong -- or if it wasn't me, but rather, them.
a recession.
a terrible employer.
a "we have jobs but we don't have jobs".
a decline in tourism.
a decline in sales.
a decline in jobs.
an overhiring.
the list goes on.
i was not happy with anything that happened last summer and my income definitely reflects that. but there wasn't a whole lot i could do to combat how terrible things were in the job market.
yet, it doesn't seem any different being in toronto. jobs i applied to back in september/december had no calls. jobs i've applied to in january/february still have no calls. jobs i'm applying to now -- for things i know i can do -- have no calls. i have many more connections and networking possibilities in the city but only a couple that can work out to my advantage. but i don't necessarily want to be that kid who gets the sweet job 'cause they know somebody; the ethics and the morals would get the best of me.
i know i'm not the only one suffering trying to find a job. several of my friends who are recent graduates or quit work looking for something better are still having the same issues at attempting to find a job, summer or otherwise.
i'm walking into this job hunt with a little bit of optimism; whatever actually remains from last summer's ridiculous 7 jobs i mostly had for a 2 week span. only because i feel like i have more of an opportunity to land something, whether it's in my field or not, in the city rather than back in niagara.
statistics of 400 applicants for an entry level, minimum wage secretarial position in niagara still scares the fuck out of me.
Feb 8, 2012
horrific images
i'm an extremely visual person.
i tend to remember things better when i see them and write them several times. want me to regurgitate a diagram? sure, no problem. remember the exact detail of that dude's body i hooked up with 4 years ago? yeah, feels like it happened yesterday.
but it has some drawbacks.
there have been certain times in my life where i've wanted to forget an image or a situation. but my mind won't let me do that. many of these images/situations that i want to lose are ones that play over in my head again and again, despite how awful or embarrassing they were.
i've seen a lot of really shitty things since i moved to toronto. it mostly deals with the crazy people that roam the streets and sometimes i might get lucky and see something that is positive and brightens my day. for instance, yesterday i saw a hit and run. a car literally took the side off of a taxi and almost ran me over in the get away. there was some honking and the car turned the corner and stopped at the side of the road while the taxi waited patiently for the pedestrians to cross at the intersection. as soon as we crossed the street and the taxi moved forward, the car drove off. that's pretty fucking shitty. my dad and i were involved in a similar situation last summer, so i can relate. kind of adds to my reasons of not wanting to drive.
an earlier situation during a snowstorm at a different intersection almost cost me my life as well, had i not have used some discretion of crossing the street. a car going pretty slow heading up to the lights at an intersection must have hit a slippery patch of snow and the brakes didn't work; leaving the car to slide practically halfway through the intersection. if i would have stepped out from the sidewalk, he would have ran right over me.
this morning, i saw something i would prefer to forget. but since i know i won't, i'll write about it instead. i don't know what about this entire situation made me so upset.
i saw an older man on crutches missing his left leg. the whole leg, way up last the thigh. he hobbled along on his crutches across the intersection and for some reason, decided to hobble along through the garden of the community centre. i watched as his movements through the garden baffled me. i couldn't understand why he chose the path that was the most difficult. i figured he was on his way when the bus arrived. as i got on the bus, i could hear through the music from my headphones, a man arguing with the bus driver. it was the man with one leg. i didn't quite hear what the argument was about, but the bus driver let him on and he made his way down the aisle.
a block later, he screamed at the bus driver to stop the bus and let him off, where he proceeded to attempt to cross the street with a heavy flow of traffic and the 'don't walk' sign flashing. immediately, i saw and heard the sounds of cars screeching their brakes and honking at the man. i thought for sure i was going to see this man get slammed by a car trying to cross the street at 7am. when he reached the other side, he began to cross the other section of the street again, disobeying pedestrian signals. there was more honking and screeching brakes. the man stopped in front of a car attempting to turn through the intersection as he could not cross any further with the flow of traffic. eventually, he was able to make it to the other side and the bus drove through the lights and kept on the route.
i don't know what was going through this man's head while he did the things he did this morning but i have a feeling he was unhappy with his life. i would be too, in his situation. but just the thought that this man may not want to live anymore (and get hit by a car) upset me greatly. to lose all will to live in any situation, whether shitty or ideal, is something that hits me in an unusual way. even when life gets me down to a degree when everything is awful, i try to find the positive and move on from it, because i know eventually things will get better. it might not be right away and it might take quite some time, but i know whatever i'm facing will pass.
i only wish that people would think the way i do about these circumstances of life and death and then something as trivial as this man with one leg wouldn't be drilled into my mind forever.
i tend to remember things better when i see them and write them several times. want me to regurgitate a diagram? sure, no problem. remember the exact detail of that dude's body i hooked up with 4 years ago? yeah, feels like it happened yesterday.
but it has some drawbacks.
there have been certain times in my life where i've wanted to forget an image or a situation. but my mind won't let me do that. many of these images/situations that i want to lose are ones that play over in my head again and again, despite how awful or embarrassing they were.
i've seen a lot of really shitty things since i moved to toronto. it mostly deals with the crazy people that roam the streets and sometimes i might get lucky and see something that is positive and brightens my day. for instance, yesterday i saw a hit and run. a car literally took the side off of a taxi and almost ran me over in the get away. there was some honking and the car turned the corner and stopped at the side of the road while the taxi waited patiently for the pedestrians to cross at the intersection. as soon as we crossed the street and the taxi moved forward, the car drove off. that's pretty fucking shitty. my dad and i were involved in a similar situation last summer, so i can relate. kind of adds to my reasons of not wanting to drive.
an earlier situation during a snowstorm at a different intersection almost cost me my life as well, had i not have used some discretion of crossing the street. a car going pretty slow heading up to the lights at an intersection must have hit a slippery patch of snow and the brakes didn't work; leaving the car to slide practically halfway through the intersection. if i would have stepped out from the sidewalk, he would have ran right over me.
this morning, i saw something i would prefer to forget. but since i know i won't, i'll write about it instead. i don't know what about this entire situation made me so upset.
i saw an older man on crutches missing his left leg. the whole leg, way up last the thigh. he hobbled along on his crutches across the intersection and for some reason, decided to hobble along through the garden of the community centre. i watched as his movements through the garden baffled me. i couldn't understand why he chose the path that was the most difficult. i figured he was on his way when the bus arrived. as i got on the bus, i could hear through the music from my headphones, a man arguing with the bus driver. it was the man with one leg. i didn't quite hear what the argument was about, but the bus driver let him on and he made his way down the aisle.
a block later, he screamed at the bus driver to stop the bus and let him off, where he proceeded to attempt to cross the street with a heavy flow of traffic and the 'don't walk' sign flashing. immediately, i saw and heard the sounds of cars screeching their brakes and honking at the man. i thought for sure i was going to see this man get slammed by a car trying to cross the street at 7am. when he reached the other side, he began to cross the other section of the street again, disobeying pedestrian signals. there was more honking and screeching brakes. the man stopped in front of a car attempting to turn through the intersection as he could not cross any further with the flow of traffic. eventually, he was able to make it to the other side and the bus drove through the lights and kept on the route.
i don't know what was going through this man's head while he did the things he did this morning but i have a feeling he was unhappy with his life. i would be too, in his situation. but just the thought that this man may not want to live anymore (and get hit by a car) upset me greatly. to lose all will to live in any situation, whether shitty or ideal, is something that hits me in an unusual way. even when life gets me down to a degree when everything is awful, i try to find the positive and move on from it, because i know eventually things will get better. it might not be right away and it might take quite some time, but i know whatever i'm facing will pass.
i only wish that people would think the way i do about these circumstances of life and death and then something as trivial as this man with one leg wouldn't be drilled into my mind forever.
Dec 26, 2011
semester in review
it took about four months and the night before my project management exam to finally learn how to calculate net present value, earned value, and the critical path method. and it was all thanks to a dude in my program and youtube's SirGanttAlot.
somehow, i figure if i'm learning more from youtube than the education i'm paying for, there might be a serious problem. i was rewarded today with my results and i'm pretty happy; ending with a C+ in project management is what i needed to achieve in order to stay in the program. of course, everything else was fine: B in law, B+ in environmental management, A in business, and A+ in english. yes, postgrad is a bit of a joke. i can only hope that it stays that way for next semester.
shit, did i really just finish my first four months and first semester in toronto already?
i've been home for the holidays since tuesday afternoon and i've likely spent more time with friends than my actual family. everyone was around for christmas dinner and opening gifts; i'm excited to play the new batman soon. i had to make a decision whether i should bring all my dirty clothes home or my xbox. i think i made the right decision.
i'm heading back to toronto on wednesday and figuring out something to do for new years eve but i don't know what that will be yet. school starts back up january 9th -- my schedule currently shows 3 more 8am classes. i'm very unhappy. nobody knows what's happening with the internship yet. they didn't tell us anything before we left, so i hope it's all sorted out by the time we get back.
i'm also thinking about applying to seneca's green business management postgrad program for september 2012. it looks more interesting than what i'm doing currently; more of a focus on the environment and sustainability plus an internship that seems to be much more organized than my program too. and it costs less. and it'll mean living in toronto for another year.
i'll go talk to them once i get back in january. originally, i was gonna go talk to someone after my last exam... but.. y'know.. i kinda started drinking at 11am when my exam finished. i figured it was a better use of my time.
happy holidays!
"so have a merry christmas, happy channukah, kwazy kwanza, a tip top tet, and a solemn, dignified ramadan.
..and now a word from my god; our sponsor."
somehow, i figure if i'm learning more from youtube than the education i'm paying for, there might be a serious problem. i was rewarded today with my results and i'm pretty happy; ending with a C+ in project management is what i needed to achieve in order to stay in the program. of course, everything else was fine: B in law, B+ in environmental management, A in business, and A+ in english. yes, postgrad is a bit of a joke. i can only hope that it stays that way for next semester.
shit, did i really just finish my first four months and first semester in toronto already?
i've been home for the holidays since tuesday afternoon and i've likely spent more time with friends than my actual family. everyone was around for christmas dinner and opening gifts; i'm excited to play the new batman soon. i had to make a decision whether i should bring all my dirty clothes home or my xbox. i think i made the right decision.
i'm heading back to toronto on wednesday and figuring out something to do for new years eve but i don't know what that will be yet. school starts back up january 9th -- my schedule currently shows 3 more 8am classes. i'm very unhappy. nobody knows what's happening with the internship yet. they didn't tell us anything before we left, so i hope it's all sorted out by the time we get back.
i'm also thinking about applying to seneca's green business management postgrad program for september 2012. it looks more interesting than what i'm doing currently; more of a focus on the environment and sustainability plus an internship that seems to be much more organized than my program too. and it costs less. and it'll mean living in toronto for another year.
i'll go talk to them once i get back in january. originally, i was gonna go talk to someone after my last exam... but.. y'know.. i kinda started drinking at 11am when my exam finished. i figured it was a better use of my time.
happy holidays!
"so have a merry christmas, happy channukah, kwazy kwanza, a tip top tet, and a solemn, dignified ramadan.
..and now a word from my god; our sponsor."
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