the waiting is the hardest part

too much of my life is spent waiting.

i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.

typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.

by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).

more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.

it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.

part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills. 

i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.

the waiting will always be the hardest part.

first day of grad school

today was my first day of grad school.

i had one class and it started at 8am. which meant that i needed to be up at 6am and out of my apartment before 7am in order to arrive to class on time. and that's not including the ridiculous strike traffic. i rolled out of bed and dreaded the day ahead.

i left around 6:40am and did the zombie walk to the subway. grabbed the subway easily and rode to finch where i just barely made the express bus to school. i made it to school by 7:30am. now i know that i can leave a little later tomorrow when i have to do it all again, and once again on friday. yes, i have 3 8am classes a week. this is not the grad school classes i imagined. hopefully next semester will be better.

it felt strange to be back in the classroom. i looked around and knew nobody. there was a definite age gap in my classmates. where were my TREN girls at? no where. it was depressing. the professor was late so the coordinator took over until he got there. this is when the coordinator told me to switch my one class to the other 8am on friday. i was not happy. class flew by and we didn't do much, similar to most of the first day introductions i've been in before.

i made friends with the two girls next to me who seemed to be remotely my age and i walked with the one over to admissions after class. she had the same problem as me: seneca needed 'proof of degree' from her. admissions opened at 10am and my class got out at 9:50am. the admissions lineup was all the way down the hall and almost around the corner when i got there. seeing as i had really nothing else to do today, i waited. and i waited. and i fucking waited. i waited an hour and 20 minutes to talk to someone. she told me that i needed to send a new transcript and a photocopy of my degree/confirmation of graduation and changed the expiry to the end of september. she told me not to panic. clearly, i was not in panic mode. perhaps i look panicky when i'm awake at 6am.

i headed home shortly after while talking to some of the strike people about their issues and whatnot while waiting for the bus. i like to be informed. the bus at finch going to school when i arrived at finch station had so many people waiting. i was glad to be going the opposite direction. i made it home around 12:30pm with a quick stop in at subway for lunch.

over the weekend, i saw lutzenkirchen, got drunk, and went to the eaton centre. i talked to someone at the eaton centre sport chek about possibly getting a transfer (even though i only worked 2 shifts at the niagara falls one) and she told me to call her on wednesday to figure it all out. in the meantime, i applied to various retail jobs at the mall and am waiting to hear back... if i hear back at all.

i need a good night's sleep.

the analogy

inspired by the terrible movie he's just not that into you, (because unemployment makes you watch a ton of terrible movies) i thought about how the job search is similar to the dating search.

in the beginning, you put yourself out there. you talk about your accomplishments and give the best version of yourself through cover letters and resumes by the hundreds through email, faxes, and walk-ins. every cover letter and resume is tailored to the specific job position and company. it's the courting process. you see something you like and you hope that it will eventually like you back.. and hopefully soon.

okay, so you've put yourself out there. every company has your cover letter and resume. and you wait. and you wait. and you wait. you wait for that phone call. the one that says you have a date. the interview. you sit by the phone day and night. it rings. it's your mom. it rings again. it's a telemarketer. you're constantly waiting for someone to get in touch.

finally, you get a call. the date is set for an interview. you get nervous, just a little bit. you think about all the great things you can say about yourself. you think of questions to ask. you try to think of all the questions they will ask you, but there's always that one that gets you -- it usually makes or breaks you. you wonder what to wear, how much makeup is too much, what shoes go with what outfit. frustrated with your closet, you go buy new clothes just for the interview hoping you'll finally land a job so you can afford the new clothes you bought.

the interview quickly approaches. you're nervous. you get there early not knowing what to expect. you've never met these people before. it's a blind date. you see several attractive people working and that almost makes you more nervous. finally, you meet the person who will be be doing the interviewing. he's not all that good looking. you're still nervous. you talk yourself up. you think that things are going smoothly. you ask the dreaded "so when will i hear from you?" question and they give you a time frame. you leave with a firm handshake, pleasantries, and if you're lucky, perhaps a number to call. on your way home, you replay every detail of the date. did you smile enough? did you answer their questions correctly? did you have something lodged in your teeth? could they sense how nervous you were? your mind runs wild and yet there is nothing you can do about what took place in the interview. it's over.

the next day, you repeat the beginning stages of the process. you hand out resumes for possible jobs and hope that the company you had an interview with will give you a call. you sit by the phone and wait. and wait. you're always waiting. it rings. it's a wrong number. it rings again. this time, to set up an interview with a different company. since you are still jobless, you take up the offer. what's the harm?

days and weeks go by without any follow up phone calls. they never called, just like all those other blind dates you went on before. they told you that they would call. they didn't. you call them only to leave a message. they still never return your call. you're unemployed and lonely. you've read every book you own and are quickly running out of money.

you're constantly waiting for that phone call only to check your email and find a rejection email. your spirit is broken. yet tomorrow, you'll put yourself out there again only to spend your days waiting for the one who will hire you.