the first time

in 2010, i started my first real relationship.

i define "real" as being completely legitimate. i was somebody's girlfriend and it lasted awhile. yes, before this, i had also been somebody's girlfriend on several occasions, but there was always something holding me back in those relationships. i never wanted to be with that person for a long time and that's how it went.

i've been thinking a lot about my first relationship lately and it's not because i'm lonely or not interested in anyone. it's true: i'm not interested in anyone. that's a first. for the better part of my life, i've been overrun with dude problems and always on the chase for something. it's a nice change. and no, i'm not lonely. i'm actually pretty far from it. school keeps me busy. my friends are lovely. i've taken some quality amber time and i'm about the happiest and most optimistic i've been in quite some time.

so why am i thinking about my past?

because i'm still trying to learn from my mistakes.

in a leadership course, i'm being taught how to be more self-aware and critical of my words and actions. i've always had a high sense of emotional intelligence but that has only recently stemmed from the solutions to my problems and learning from my past. i can replay almost every scenario in my head. i can count the number of times we went out as a couple on one hand; most of which were cut short as he feigned illness. i can count the number of times he hung out with my friends on one hand; where as i was always forced to hang out with his. i can remember that exact moment when i forgot to roll up the window in his parents' truck and it rained while we were inside and the look on his face when he saw the 'damage'. and i can remember thinking that he was going to hit me. but he didn't.

2010 was not the first time i had been with somebody who faced anger issues, whether they had actually informed me about it before or during the time i was with them. i never found it attractive, yet these dudes were always attracted to me. i rarely get overwhelmed by any kind of emotion unless it's positive. yes, i can be down. i can be sad and angry, and i am sometimes. i might speak negatively about a person or a situation but there's always a part of me that remains optimistic, despite how shitty things are. and i just can't deal with someone who can't deal with things when they get tough.

he never could. we faced a lot of challenges in the time we were together. but they were always alone. they were his challenges. he never let me help and eventually, i gave up ever wanting to try. he was never there when i needed him to be. when he got into a car accident with some expensive damages and nobody was hurt, he threatened to kill himself. he told me he was joking, later. but i knew he wasn't. it was at that point when i knew i had to end things. but, i didn't.

as time passed, i knew this wasn't someone i could be with. i knew from an early start when he told me that he hated toronto. if anything, that was probably my first dealbreaker. i had been domesticated and functioned as a homebody outside of school, work, and his friends that i really didn't care for much. i never spent a night at his parents' place. opposites attract but not for long.

being in a relationship overruled whatever little part of me there was left. and since then, i've approached every other possible candidate with caution. figuring out things before getting too deep into whatever it is we're doing. knowing that i have the ability to break things off as soon as i see something that doesn't fit what i want or need. and demonstrating that i can be a "we" but there's just going to have to be a lot more of "me" first.

so, not being interested in anyone has given me time to think. i've figured myself out. i know what i'm ready for, should the opportunity arise at any point. but it's going to take hell of a lot for a dude to get me interested and show me he's worth going after.

for now, i'm content.

as for him, i only wish him well in whatever the fuck he's doing with his life.

what am i gonna do with all these decisions i made? i am stuck in them.

if you haven't watched this already, you probably should.

i've been making a lot of decisions lately and making an attempt to bring my life back on track. i don't have a tendency to get derailed too often -- but sometimes, it's inevitable.

i started this blog over a year ago to talk about how ridiculous it is to find a shitty summer job or a grown-up job in this economy and being a recent graduate with zero experience within my field of study. and, for the most part, that is what this blog still represents. because i had only found a few summer jobs that i was consistently in and out of for the summer of 2011, i went back to school hoping that in 8 months, the economy, the job search, a new city, and more knowledge & qualifications would help me land a real job for the first time. unfortunately, that didn't happen. and i'm still scratching my head as to why it didn't happen.

this blog evolved into different subtopics, like budgeting and a lack of funds to friends, school, and relationships. these aspects were never my intention to write about -- but they were always things that needed to be said at the time when they were written. i can make the case that all of those topics are inherently related. having a job or not having a job means i'd have to budget or not have any money. school helped me not have any money but increased my qualifications for getting a job, or so i'm being told. friends and relationships are an integral part of the job search as they keep me grounded and give me a place to share my thoughts about what's going on.

there were two conversations i had this week which have helped me progress forward with my life.

1. a conversation with my roommate

there's a reason why my roommate and i (aka, my best friend since grade 6) get along so well. he's about the only person i know who can change my emotional state of being with just one sentence. he's always there when i need him to be as he's watched me struggle with many different things over the course of the almost a year we've been living together. he has a habit of knowing what to say in order to help me move on from whatever i'm dealing with.

for instance, awhile back we were talking about dude problems. i can't remember exactly what we were saying, but eventually he told me that "i was hotter than him." before you're quick to judge on that sentence, his words actually got me thinking. so i took them to other friends -- and they all agreed. it was only after this point when i realized that i had been seeing someone who, although i found him extremely attractive, most other friends didn't -- and saw me as the hotter one. this brought me back to how i met your mother's idea of the reacher and the settler. and in this scenario, it was definitely true. he was the reacher and i was the settler.

this time, a new job opening was available at my roommate's work. we got to talking about the position requirements and my roommate told me that i shouldn't apply for it because it was a "serious" job. this sentence hit me hard. yes, i have never had a serious job -- but i have never really been looking for one until now, sort of. i've spent the majority of my life working shitty jobs and being extraordinary when i do them while rarely receiving any feedback or recognition. even through my mass amount of volunteer work while at brock (which, for one year, took up an insane amount of my time and i basically hated every minute of it); i thought i would get some sort of recognition for my hard work. but it never happened.

so much of my life has been determined by the "someone else over me" concept. in jobs, i'm given a chance to prove my worth and someone else is hired over me. in recognition for hard work, someone else is given that recognition. in relationships, there's always someone else he'd rather be with than me (with the new shocking twist that this could happen basically any fucking time in the course of a relationship) and, as depressing as that may sound, i'm used to it. which is likely the reason why it doesn't take me very long to get over things that happen to me. this takes me into the conversations of last night.

2. the conversations i had last night 

this blog and any king of writing in general (especially that of my not-so-public blog that exists out there) have always worked as a release for my anger, resentment, and occasional happy moments. i am by no means an angry girl. but there are some things out there that can get the best of me and can stay locked up in me for weeks, months or years, depending on the situation. yes, my friends are content to listen to my problems and some of them can tell when i've been having a rough time. but in all honesty, i would rather not bore my friends with what i'm dealing with and talk about more positive, happier things. because that's my personality and it's not going to change.

so, last night, my roommate and i had a few friends over for drinks. and although i didn't want to talk about what's been going on and how i'm feeling -- most of them got it out of drunk amber pretty easily. and once i started talking, i found myself not able to stop.

yes, dude problems fucking suck. but i only needed a day before i was back out there and doing what i want. i didn't have any anger or resentment about what happened. you could barely even call it a break-up since things weren't "official" or "serious". but it ended. and despite what people may think, i'm actually okay. i feel the need to mention how wonderful my friends have been when they found out about what's been going on with me -- i couldn't ask for more love and support.

reading this article on men vs women breakups got me thinking too about how i don't fit the woman "norm" for getting over things. but, i have to play it safe. i have to prolong interactions and there's a high percentage that i can never be just friends with that person. although i'm not sure if they will or ever do (because i've never tried), i worry that whatever feelings i had may return and i'll constantly want something more than just a friendship. there is one dude in my life that i had deep feelings for at one point and it was the only time it took me forever to get over our ending. but now that dude is one of my good friends -- and i'm happy for that.

so yes, it can happen. but sometimes, it's just better and easier when it doesn't.

positive

one of the main things i like best about meeting new people is to experience a different outlook on life, whether it's negative or positive.

i try to do my best in surrounding myself with positive people but that doesn't always happen or necessarily work out to my advantage. most people deal with shitty things in shitty ways and i can empathize with that.

it's a pretty rare occurrence for me to meet someone who's about equal to me in positivity and optimism even if sometimes that positivity is hidden under some pretty mean sarcastic comments. and yet, i've met a couple dudes that i can compare myself to. one of these dudes in particular, i'm absolutely positive (ha!) that i've never heard him say anything remotely negative... about any fucking subject. this sort of baffles me and intrigues me at the same time. because, in a way, i used to do the same. and i kind of still do, on occasion.

not only does this dude have this shining positive brilliance, but he makes me appreciate myself and the things i've done even more (although i'm not exactly sure if it's possible). because, hell, i've done some pretty amazing things and i can do some pretty amazing things. it's almost inspiring to be reminded how awesome you are with one simple positive comment that gets you thinking about your life experiences.

it's easy to rack up a number of negative reasons for a negative event/occurrence but the positive sides of things aren't normally a long list.

i think what people fail to realize is that a positive aura is fucking sexy as hell. especially to a girl like me.
there's definitely a fine line between "positive" (that's so fucking cool) and "neutral" (i don't really care) and i would gladly take the positive over anything in the world. and besides, you'll get a cooler story out of a negative event spun into a positive meaning, even if it makes everyone around you laugh at the story. the idea is to accept bad things when they happen and find something positive about them in order to move on from it. and most people, generally speaking, lack this ability.

but hey, if i can do it, and this dude can do it, i wholeheartedly believe that anyone can under the right circumstances.

happiness is not a fleeting concept.
it's right there, waiting for you.

"the call is from heroism... will you accept the charges?" 

horrific images

i'm an extremely visual person.

i tend to remember things better when i see them and write them several times. want me to regurgitate a diagram? sure, no problem. remember the exact detail of that dude's body i hooked up with 4 years ago? yeah, feels like it happened yesterday.

but it has some drawbacks.

there have been certain times in my life where i've wanted to forget an image or a situation. but my mind won't let me do that. many of these images/situations that i want to lose are ones that play over in my head again and again, despite how awful or embarrassing they were.

i've seen a lot of really shitty things since i moved to toronto. it mostly deals with the crazy people that roam the streets and sometimes i might get lucky and see something that is positive and brightens my day. for instance, yesterday i saw a hit and run. a car literally took the side off of a taxi and almost ran me over in the get away. there was some honking and the car turned the corner and stopped at the side of the road while the taxi waited patiently for the pedestrians to cross at the intersection. as soon as we crossed the street and the taxi moved forward, the car drove off. that's pretty fucking shitty. my dad and i were involved in a similar situation last summer, so i can relate. kind of adds to my reasons of not wanting to drive.

an earlier situation during a snowstorm at a different intersection almost cost me my life as well, had i not have used some discretion of crossing the street. a car going pretty slow heading up to the lights at an intersection must have hit a slippery patch of snow and the brakes didn't work; leaving the car to slide practically halfway through the intersection. if i would have stepped out from the sidewalk, he would have ran right over me.

this morning, i saw something i would prefer to forget. but since i know i won't, i'll write about it instead. i don't know what about this entire situation made me so upset.

i saw an older man on crutches missing his left leg. the whole leg, way up last the thigh. he hobbled along on his crutches across the intersection and for some reason, decided to hobble along through the garden of the community centre. i watched as his movements through the garden baffled me. i couldn't understand why he chose the path that was the most difficult. i figured he was on his way when the bus arrived. as i got on the bus, i could hear through the music from my headphones, a man arguing with the bus driver. it was the man with one leg. i didn't quite hear what the argument was about, but the bus driver let him on and he made his way down the aisle.

a block later, he screamed at the bus driver to stop the bus and let him off, where he proceeded to attempt to cross the street with a heavy flow of traffic and the 'don't walk' sign flashing. immediately, i saw and heard the sounds of cars screeching their brakes and honking at the man. i thought for sure i was going to see this man get slammed by a car trying to cross the street at 7am. when he reached the other side, he began to cross the other section of the street again, disobeying pedestrian signals. there was more honking and screeching brakes. the man stopped in front of a car attempting to turn through the intersection as he could not cross any further with the flow of traffic. eventually, he was able to make it to the other side and the bus drove through the lights and kept on the route.

i don't know what was going through this man's head while he did the things he did this morning but i have a feeling he was unhappy with his life. i would be too, in his situation. but just the thought that this man may not want to live anymore (and get hit by a car) upset me greatly. to lose all will to live in any situation, whether shitty or ideal, is something that hits me in an unusual way. even when life gets me down to a degree when everything is awful, i try to find the positive and move on from it, because i know eventually things will get better. it might not be right away and it might take quite some time, but i know whatever i'm facing will pass.

i only wish that people would think the way i do about these circumstances of life and death and then something as trivial as this man with one leg wouldn't be drilled into my mind forever.