the first time

in 2010, i started my first real relationship.

i define "real" as being completely legitimate. i was somebody's girlfriend and it lasted awhile. yes, before this, i had also been somebody's girlfriend on several occasions, but there was always something holding me back in those relationships. i never wanted to be with that person for a long time and that's how it went.

i've been thinking a lot about my first relationship lately and it's not because i'm lonely or not interested in anyone. it's true: i'm not interested in anyone. that's a first. for the better part of my life, i've been overrun with dude problems and always on the chase for something. it's a nice change. and no, i'm not lonely. i'm actually pretty far from it. school keeps me busy. my friends are lovely. i've taken some quality amber time and i'm about the happiest and most optimistic i've been in quite some time.

so why am i thinking about my past?

because i'm still trying to learn from my mistakes.

in a leadership course, i'm being taught how to be more self-aware and critical of my words and actions. i've always had a high sense of emotional intelligence but that has only recently stemmed from the solutions to my problems and learning from my past. i can replay almost every scenario in my head. i can count the number of times we went out as a couple on one hand; most of which were cut short as he feigned illness. i can count the number of times he hung out with my friends on one hand; where as i was always forced to hang out with his. i can remember that exact moment when i forgot to roll up the window in his parents' truck and it rained while we were inside and the look on his face when he saw the 'damage'. and i can remember thinking that he was going to hit me. but he didn't.

2010 was not the first time i had been with somebody who faced anger issues, whether they had actually informed me about it before or during the time i was with them. i never found it attractive, yet these dudes were always attracted to me. i rarely get overwhelmed by any kind of emotion unless it's positive. yes, i can be down. i can be sad and angry, and i am sometimes. i might speak negatively about a person or a situation but there's always a part of me that remains optimistic, despite how shitty things are. and i just can't deal with someone who can't deal with things when they get tough.

he never could. we faced a lot of challenges in the time we were together. but they were always alone. they were his challenges. he never let me help and eventually, i gave up ever wanting to try. he was never there when i needed him to be. when he got into a car accident with some expensive damages and nobody was hurt, he threatened to kill himself. he told me he was joking, later. but i knew he wasn't. it was at that point when i knew i had to end things. but, i didn't.

as time passed, i knew this wasn't someone i could be with. i knew from an early start when he told me that he hated toronto. if anything, that was probably my first dealbreaker. i had been domesticated and functioned as a homebody outside of school, work, and his friends that i really didn't care for much. i never spent a night at his parents' place. opposites attract but not for long.

being in a relationship overruled whatever little part of me there was left. and since then, i've approached every other possible candidate with caution. figuring out things before getting too deep into whatever it is we're doing. knowing that i have the ability to break things off as soon as i see something that doesn't fit what i want or need. and demonstrating that i can be a "we" but there's just going to have to be a lot more of "me" first.

so, not being interested in anyone has given me time to think. i've figured myself out. i know what i'm ready for, should the opportunity arise at any point. but it's going to take hell of a lot for a dude to get me interested and show me he's worth going after.

for now, i'm content.

as for him, i only wish him well in whatever the fuck he's doing with his life.

first post.

i finished my bachelor of arts degree in tourism and environment and now i'm off to bigger and better things. for the next three months, this will blog will be mostly dedicated to my post-graduation job search of which i have yet to land a job. in late august/early september, i'll be moving to the big city, toronto, where i'll be starting an 8 month post-graduate opportunity in environmental project management. what is that going to get me? i have no idea yet. hopefully something good.

this is my fifth summer living in niagara falls. i hate it here. there is nothing to do. and when i'm unemployed, there is even less to do. for the month of may, i sent out somewhere between 30 and 40 resumes in jobs in the niagara region and toronto. some of which pertain to the field of my degree. when you lack any and all housekeeping/serving/hostessing/restaurant/grocery/retail experience, the variety of jobs available in the niagara region are extremely minimal.

from those 30 or 40 resumes out there, i received 5 phone calls for interviews. the first was at a camp which i turned down. i have 'camp' experience. this job didn't start until july and also started at 6:30am. a legitimate reason for turning it down.  the second interview was for the adidas outlet store. this was part-time/full-time/whatever and he said he was going to take up to 2 weeks to get back to me. i had the interview last week.

the third interview was from plenty canada. a place that has something to do with my degree except that it's in the middle of no where. it's in lanark, the maple syrup capital of ontario. don't know where lanark is? good. neither do i. this job would have been perfect, as he said i was more than qualified for the position. except that it's in the middle of no where and you need to be able to drive and have a car. and unfortunately, i can't drive nor have a car. he's still supposed to get back to me sometime this week, but i'll more than likely have to turn the job down as there are no places to rent/sublet either in this glorious town.

the fourth interview was build a bear workshop. it was a group interview with 2 other girls and we were only asked 2 questions each. this was their first round of interviews and they will call back next week for a second interview if they think you're qualified.

the fifth interview is scheduled for friday in the big city with greenpeace, again, it actually has something to do with my degree. i'm pretty excited for this and i hope it goes over well so i can move to toronto sooner rather than later.

with one day left in the month of may, how many more interviews will it take for me to land a job for the summer?