i've been asked by several friends lately why i'm no longer writing. they list a number of excuses and my only response is "not exactly."
i didn't stop due to a lack of things to talk about. in fact, that's the complete opposite issue that i'm facing. and maybe it's partly because i have trouble organizing my thoughts well enough to write down what it is that's bothering me. i'll be honest though. there are hundreds of reasons why i stopped writing, but it all boils down to one main common theme: time.
i don't have time to write.
i could go on for an eternity as to why my days are so full of doing things. but that's the price of adulthood - or in some cases, a lack thereof, if you're the only one who does things. outside of work, i practice self-care and it has become an integral part of my being. it will hopefully continue to speed up the healing process and let me someday live a normal life again. or at least, that's my end goal. while i'm not where i was a year ago and there's definite progress in healing, it doesn't happen overnight. i've come to terms with this even when everyone else hasn't. i refuse to let it slow me down (although sometimes it still might - hey, wait up, i got these tiny little legs!)
it becomes increasingly difficult to have a well rounded life when two, well, three things take up the majority of my time. but when i can remove certain variables, more time becomes an option. even though time these days is almost an illusion. hell, look at this 4.5 day weekend right now. where the fuck did it go?
in just 5 days, i'll have my own place for the first time in 29 years. since moving to toronto nearly 6 years ago, my goals included getting a job and moving out on my own. i've had hit and miss roommates, including one roommate from literal hell that makes me never want to live with anyone ever again. okay, that's an exaggeration. maybe i'll get lonely. maybe i'll always need someone around to reach those items on the top shelf. but the idea of being on my own is the most exciting and scary thing going for me right now. i need the independence. i need the quiet. i need the ability to do my own thing.
it might be difficult to understand, but after living with a roommate you don't particularly enjoy, it changes you. unfortunately for me, my roommate situations haven't always been the best. and i'm ready for that next step to call my own place home with just a single tenant occupancy. but fuck, toronto, could you calm your shit with the rent prices? it took 6 years to get to a point where i could finally afford to be somewhere without roommates and compared to most friends, i'm extremely good with my money.
time might be the biggest common theme with my lack of writing but there is always more to the story. when you really enjoy doing something, there's always time for it. i've spent the better part of the last two years or so spending less and less time on social media. my blog and everything it was set out to do, didn't quite serve a purpose any longer. i continuously had all these thoughts in my mind where i'd think that the topics would make a fantastic blog post and no time to write them. this is one thing i want to change. writing used to be an outlet for me to understand whatever was stressing me out. whatever was keeping me up at night. these stressful things no longer keep me awake at night. instead, they get overlooked and pushed away.
maybe it's because i can't change the things i complain about regarding work. maybe it's because i don't have any complaints about dudes in my life because there's only one who makes things better and not worse. maybe it's because i don't tend to complain about life as a whole as much any longer. maybe i'd rather listen and help than attempt to bore you with the little things that bother me. maybe it's because despite it all, things are finally coming together the way they're meant to be, even if it isn't what i expected 6 years ago.
maybe i'll write again in a week or a year. maybe i just need more time.
Showing posts with label rent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rent. Show all posts
Apr 16, 2017
Jul 18, 2013
maybe i'm just tired
fuck you, july.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
i can assume that this happens to everyone or i'm just the odd one out. you know that month in your life that's consistently shit? where everything terrible happens, seemingly almost all at once? for me, that's july.
it's actually a shame. july is that first time in toronto where summer is in full swing. school is done. the majority of people have found employment. it's hot and bothersome. several friends celebrate birthdays during this month. things are generally meant to be wholesome. things shouldn't go wrong. and yet, they always do.
in 2011, i got laid off from a job i liked. i was scrambling to find another. i quit another job to get more hours at the job i ended up getting laid off from. i was stuck living at home, without a job. my current relationship was dwindling and heading away from all things great. i was unhappy. i wanted to move to toronto already and have a fresh start. i needed to get away.
in 2012, things ended with a dude and it hurt. i had no job and no income. i was struggling to pay rent and live in toronto. i was stuck interviewing for jobs i didn't want, at wages i didn't care for, and still wasn't getting anywhere. i lost close friends. my friends went through challenges of their own and i felt awful for not being able to help them.
in typical july fashion, 2013 has been no different. i have no job. i have no income. i'm not dating anyone. i can barely afford to have a roof over my head. i've lost friends. i'm at a standstill on what to do. i don't want to leave toronto, but at the same time, i might need to do that if i can get a job, have an income, and start a new life some place else. things get fucked up around here and it's usually my own fault.
i've never had a full time job or full time income. i've been in school for the past 7 years. everything i've done has been school-related or seasonal. i don't have experiences in long-term employment or long-term dating. there are countless people in my life that shouldn't be in my life at all because i know they are holding me back. as i grow up, it's getting easier to let people and things go.
i needed things to be different but everything is still the same.
Jun 14, 2012
financial troubles
you might ask how i'm surviving in toronto without a paying job.
the short answer is that it's not going well.
the long answer is basically as follows:
1. OSAP & financial aid
i still have a little bit of money leftover from OSAP of 2011-2012. they gave me enough to cover tuition and most of my rent/food which has helped significantly over the year and the past couple of months not in school. my rent is not cheap. food is not cheap. my social life also doesn't come cheap (unless, of course, dudes buy me beers all the time... and i've been flirting my way nonstop for this just because i'm so broke at the moment. it's working; don't judge me. i won't do it as often once i've found a paying job).
my estimate for september is about the same which is quite nice. i'll be able to splurge a bit because my tuition doesn't cost nearly as much as last year. in fact, it's about $2,000 less than last year. that's so amazing. i'm still scratching my head as to where the $6,000 i spent on tuition last year went and what i've truly gained from the program. i don't remember applying for any tuition assistance/grants/bursaries last year but somehow managed to be the recipient of a bursary that was enough to cover a month's worth of rent and groceries. so when i applied for those money saving things this year, the seneca website came back to me saying that my financial need was too great and they couldn't do anything to help me. really? because back when i was dependent on my parents and/or living at home, my parents made too much money for me to qualify for anything; or my summer working paid for most of my tuition and expenses; or OSAP covered a little bit of tuition yet was never enough. but when i'm an independent struggling to find a paying job, going back to school, living on my own, and have little to no savings because of rent/food/tuition/etc, i can't qualify for any assistance? geez. who does that money end up going to then?
2. attempts at savings
i never followed a budget while living in toronto but i probably should have. on rent and transportation, i'm looking at $777 + $104 a month = $881. plus the cost of food/beer. and i'd say i was spending $1,000 or more each month just to cover my survival. i had a lot of money saved up to move. it was enough to pay my full amount of first semester tuition $3,000+ before my OSAP came into my hands in september when i moved to toronto.
and even with that tuition, i still had lots of money left over from living at home for almost 2 years, working part-time during the school year and summers, not having any bills to pay or transportation costs (except my cell phone... and even then, my parents sometimes paid for that), not spending any money on food/groceries, and not going out nearly as much or spending too much when i did go out for beers. so yes, i had the ability to save and budget when i wanted to and when i had a steady source of income with no bills to pay. but since i made something like $2,000 over the course of last summer and the last time i worked a paying job was august 2011, it's no wonder that i don't have a lot of cash right now.
3. social life on hold
i've really cut back on going out lately. or if i do go out, i won't spend that much. i used to go out for meals a few times a week or order in, but i've stopped that too (and maybe i'll go out once a week.) i went home a few times in the past couple of months to save money on meals or i had certain things to do. my parents have been up visiting and have taken me out or fed me every time they come up. i just spent about a week at home to save money and was able to get them to pay for my toiletries for the next couple of months (and, every time i go home, gramma gives me moneys for coming home.. so that's pretty nice). sometimes, my mom will cook me food and i'll bring it back with me. there's a sheppard's pie and pasta sauce in my freezer that's been in there for about a month now. i should probably eat it soon. i'll go to friend's places and we'll have potlucks or barbecues and that's quite helpful in feeding me. i'm a hungry girl, okay, if you haven't noticed already!
4. interviews?
i finally had an interview at the environmental centre i've applied to like 40 times in the past 6 months. they emailed me saying that the full-time position i applied for was filled but they've opened up a part-time position and to re-submit my resume. i did and had the interview on tuesday. it's a part-time, permanent position, three days a week at about 20 hours a week. it extends past the summer but i never told them i was going back to school in september. also, it's in the middle of no where and sort of difficult to get to; i take a bus to a park, walk through the park to a trail, and hike about 2km to the centre. sure.. that's a nice walk in the summer during the daytime. but in the evning/at night/when it's raining/snowing/other inclement weather/etc it won't be very nice. and the cab ride is about $15 with a tip. so yeah, that doesn't come cheap either. i'm supposed to hear back "by the end of the week" but i may be turning it down if i do get it because of all of the things i mentioned above. we'll see.
i'm applying to lots of jobs constantly and not getting anywhere. my unpaid internship is going well. the second part of my research into the longboarding benefits calculations are going smoothly (now.. after some technical/"i can't brain today, i've got the dumb" issues) and it's helping me keep busy on these long, hot days when instead of spending money and drinking beer on a patio, i'm hanging out in my living room with the air conditioning on full blast figuring out the benefits of longboarding.
hey... job... are you out there? it's me... amber.
the short answer is that it's not going well.
the long answer is basically as follows:
1. OSAP & financial aid
i still have a little bit of money leftover from OSAP of 2011-2012. they gave me enough to cover tuition and most of my rent/food which has helped significantly over the year and the past couple of months not in school. my rent is not cheap. food is not cheap. my social life also doesn't come cheap (unless, of course, dudes buy me beers all the time... and i've been flirting my way nonstop for this just because i'm so broke at the moment. it's working; don't judge me. i won't do it as often once i've found a paying job).
my estimate for september is about the same which is quite nice. i'll be able to splurge a bit because my tuition doesn't cost nearly as much as last year. in fact, it's about $2,000 less than last year. that's so amazing. i'm still scratching my head as to where the $6,000 i spent on tuition last year went and what i've truly gained from the program. i don't remember applying for any tuition assistance/grants/bursaries last year but somehow managed to be the recipient of a bursary that was enough to cover a month's worth of rent and groceries. so when i applied for those money saving things this year, the seneca website came back to me saying that my financial need was too great and they couldn't do anything to help me. really? because back when i was dependent on my parents and/or living at home, my parents made too much money for me to qualify for anything; or my summer working paid for most of my tuition and expenses; or OSAP covered a little bit of tuition yet was never enough. but when i'm an independent struggling to find a paying job, going back to school, living on my own, and have little to no savings because of rent/food/tuition/etc, i can't qualify for any assistance? geez. who does that money end up going to then?
2. attempts at savings
i never followed a budget while living in toronto but i probably should have. on rent and transportation, i'm looking at $777 + $104 a month = $881. plus the cost of food/beer. and i'd say i was spending $1,000 or more each month just to cover my survival. i had a lot of money saved up to move. it was enough to pay my full amount of first semester tuition $3,000+ before my OSAP came into my hands in september when i moved to toronto.
and even with that tuition, i still had lots of money left over from living at home for almost 2 years, working part-time during the school year and summers, not having any bills to pay or transportation costs (except my cell phone... and even then, my parents sometimes paid for that), not spending any money on food/groceries, and not going out nearly as much or spending too much when i did go out for beers. so yes, i had the ability to save and budget when i wanted to and when i had a steady source of income with no bills to pay. but since i made something like $2,000 over the course of last summer and the last time i worked a paying job was august 2011, it's no wonder that i don't have a lot of cash right now.
3. social life on hold
i've really cut back on going out lately. or if i do go out, i won't spend that much. i used to go out for meals a few times a week or order in, but i've stopped that too (and maybe i'll go out once a week.) i went home a few times in the past couple of months to save money on meals or i had certain things to do. my parents have been up visiting and have taken me out or fed me every time they come up. i just spent about a week at home to save money and was able to get them to pay for my toiletries for the next couple of months (and, every time i go home, gramma gives me moneys for coming home.. so that's pretty nice). sometimes, my mom will cook me food and i'll bring it back with me. there's a sheppard's pie and pasta sauce in my freezer that's been in there for about a month now. i should probably eat it soon. i'll go to friend's places and we'll have potlucks or barbecues and that's quite helpful in feeding me. i'm a hungry girl, okay, if you haven't noticed already!
4. interviews?
i finally had an interview at the environmental centre i've applied to like 40 times in the past 6 months. they emailed me saying that the full-time position i applied for was filled but they've opened up a part-time position and to re-submit my resume. i did and had the interview on tuesday. it's a part-time, permanent position, three days a week at about 20 hours a week. it extends past the summer but i never told them i was going back to school in september. also, it's in the middle of no where and sort of difficult to get to; i take a bus to a park, walk through the park to a trail, and hike about 2km to the centre. sure.. that's a nice walk in the summer during the daytime. but in the evning/at night/when it's raining/snowing/other inclement weather/etc it won't be very nice. and the cab ride is about $15 with a tip. so yeah, that doesn't come cheap either. i'm supposed to hear back "by the end of the week" but i may be turning it down if i do get it because of all of the things i mentioned above. we'll see.
i'm applying to lots of jobs constantly and not getting anywhere. my unpaid internship is going well. the second part of my research into the longboarding benefits calculations are going smoothly (now.. after some technical/"i can't brain today, i've got the dumb" issues) and it's helping me keep busy on these long, hot days when instead of spending money and drinking beer on a patio, i'm hanging out in my living room with the air conditioning on full blast figuring out the benefits of longboarding.
hey... job... are you out there? it's me... amber.
Jan 5, 2012
money money money
free money is a glorious thing.
with all the talk about the recent tuition grants put forth by the government and terrible advertising such as this particular video, i was upset and frustrated to find out that i'm ineligible for the grant. but, who's eligible for the grant?
well, if you are dependent on your parents, your parents make less than $160,000, you are in good academic standing, and you're from ontario. who's ineligible? everyone listed here and over 500,000 post-secondary students across ontario. grad students, part-time students, international students, law, medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, optometry, and education students are all shit out of of luck on this tuition grant.
yeah. i graduated high school in 2006. it's now 2012. i would hope that i wouldn't be dependent on my parents by now. but, here's where OSAP fucked me over -- i didn't work in high school, in fact, i didn't have my first job until 2007. i had applied for OSAP in my first year of my undergrad and my parents 'made too much money'. and even though i was living on residence and had zero moneys for anything, they gave me just under $2,000 that year. my parents at the time were supporting 2 children for post-secondary education and were definitely not making 'too much' money to support their children and live a comfortable life.
i didn't bother applying for 2007/2008. i had made almost enough working during the summer (back when minimum wage was $8.25) to afford the costs of my tuition but no where close to my residence fees. i worked during this year and saved up some money. in the summer of 2008, i couldn't land a well-paying job and only occasionally worked weekends at a camp on call for 2 months. so i had applied to OSAP for 2008/2009. this time, they gave me just over $2,000. again, not nearly enough to cover tuition or residence fees. i didn't have that much money in the bank, but i was now working just under 20 hours a week during the school year. my parents didn't make that much money, in fact, they made even less that year, and they still had to support 2 children in post-secondary education.
i had a part-time job during the summer of 2009 and a full-time job for just over a month. my bank account was starting to grow. in 2009/2010, OSAP decided to be sort of nice to me since i had stayed in school and used them twice before. i was living at home for first semester and working up to 20 hours again. my second semester was studying abroad and OSAP gave me just over $5,000. that was enough to cover tuition; but not the $10,000 extra and spending money to study abroad. i also received a bursary for going away -- but i think it was $200. maybe it was $500. i don't really remember. it's a good thing i had saved up quite a bit of money to reward myself with going away even during the recession.
upon return from my adventures of studying in new zealand, i picked up a job that guaranteed me full-time/overtime hours in the peak of summer. i was making a shit ton of money and living at home. i had 3.5 credits remaining in order to graduate in 2010/2011. 3.5 credits was still considered a full course load and i could have applied for OSAP, but i refused. they would have given me more money this time for sure as i was now independent of my parents, but still living at home for the year. i told OSAP to fuck off for the year and enjoyed my shit ton of money saved from the summer/whatever was left from paying a smaller tuition for not that many credits and sailed in spending money from my 20 hours a week part-time job.
2011/2012, i began my postgrad living in toronto, completely independent of my parents and making something ridiculous like less than $2,000 over the course of the summer. OSAP was my only option; and they gave me less than $12,000 to help with tuition, books, rent, and food. it was a great thing that i saved up practically all the money i made from the previous year working and kept my expenses to a minimum. i paid my full first semester tuition in june without any help from OSAP yet as my funding had yet to be released until september. OSAP helped with the second semester tuition and has been covering my rent most months.
i guess the most exciting thing about applying for OSAP are the surprises you never know about, such as the textbook and technology grant of $150. yep, sent to me almost by the time first semester had ended, it kept me drunk and fed for a few days. or for instance, the email i just received from seneca, telling me that i was selected as the recipient for the ontario student access guarantee bursary. how and why i'm still sort of confused about.. but an extra $800 will help me with next month's rent for sure. i don't remember filling in any application for something like this. i really hope it's not a mistake.
and hey, is that a GST cheque i see in my bank account already?
2012, you're starting to redeem yourself already.
with all the talk about the recent tuition grants put forth by the government and terrible advertising such as this particular video, i was upset and frustrated to find out that i'm ineligible for the grant. but, who's eligible for the grant?
well, if you are dependent on your parents, your parents make less than $160,000, you are in good academic standing, and you're from ontario. who's ineligible? everyone listed here and over 500,000 post-secondary students across ontario. grad students, part-time students, international students, law, medicine, dentistry, pharmacy, optometry, and education students are all shit out of of luck on this tuition grant.
yeah. i graduated high school in 2006. it's now 2012. i would hope that i wouldn't be dependent on my parents by now. but, here's where OSAP fucked me over -- i didn't work in high school, in fact, i didn't have my first job until 2007. i had applied for OSAP in my first year of my undergrad and my parents 'made too much money'. and even though i was living on residence and had zero moneys for anything, they gave me just under $2,000 that year. my parents at the time were supporting 2 children for post-secondary education and were definitely not making 'too much' money to support their children and live a comfortable life.
i didn't bother applying for 2007/2008. i had made almost enough working during the summer (back when minimum wage was $8.25) to afford the costs of my tuition but no where close to my residence fees. i worked during this year and saved up some money. in the summer of 2008, i couldn't land a well-paying job and only occasionally worked weekends at a camp on call for 2 months. so i had applied to OSAP for 2008/2009. this time, they gave me just over $2,000. again, not nearly enough to cover tuition or residence fees. i didn't have that much money in the bank, but i was now working just under 20 hours a week during the school year. my parents didn't make that much money, in fact, they made even less that year, and they still had to support 2 children in post-secondary education.
i had a part-time job during the summer of 2009 and a full-time job for just over a month. my bank account was starting to grow. in 2009/2010, OSAP decided to be sort of nice to me since i had stayed in school and used them twice before. i was living at home for first semester and working up to 20 hours again. my second semester was studying abroad and OSAP gave me just over $5,000. that was enough to cover tuition; but not the $10,000 extra and spending money to study abroad. i also received a bursary for going away -- but i think it was $200. maybe it was $500. i don't really remember. it's a good thing i had saved up quite a bit of money to reward myself with going away even during the recession.
upon return from my adventures of studying in new zealand, i picked up a job that guaranteed me full-time/overtime hours in the peak of summer. i was making a shit ton of money and living at home. i had 3.5 credits remaining in order to graduate in 2010/2011. 3.5 credits was still considered a full course load and i could have applied for OSAP, but i refused. they would have given me more money this time for sure as i was now independent of my parents, but still living at home for the year. i told OSAP to fuck off for the year and enjoyed my shit ton of money saved from the summer/whatever was left from paying a smaller tuition for not that many credits and sailed in spending money from my 20 hours a week part-time job.
2011/2012, i began my postgrad living in toronto, completely independent of my parents and making something ridiculous like less than $2,000 over the course of the summer. OSAP was my only option; and they gave me less than $12,000 to help with tuition, books, rent, and food. it was a great thing that i saved up practically all the money i made from the previous year working and kept my expenses to a minimum. i paid my full first semester tuition in june without any help from OSAP yet as my funding had yet to be released until september. OSAP helped with the second semester tuition and has been covering my rent most months.
i guess the most exciting thing about applying for OSAP are the surprises you never know about, such as the textbook and technology grant of $150. yep, sent to me almost by the time first semester had ended, it kept me drunk and fed for a few days. or for instance, the email i just received from seneca, telling me that i was selected as the recipient for the ontario student access guarantee bursary. how and why i'm still sort of confused about.. but an extra $800 will help me with next month's rent for sure. i don't remember filling in any application for something like this. i really hope it's not a mistake.
and hey, is that a GST cheque i see in my bank account already?
2012, you're starting to redeem yourself already.
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