i've been in a bit of a vulnerable state the last few weeks.
my life has a tendency to be awesome only up until a certain point -- and then it gets a little difficult. you see, all of the bad things that seem to happen to me occur in the same span of a couple weeks. yes, these can range from bad interviews, bad dates, problems with school, to empathy with friends and family. and seriously; things haven't been this awful in quite some time.
i've never been one to sit around all day, all month, or all year. i can appreciate that i may have inherited the workaholic gene from my family. it exists. and i know it does. i don't feel right unless there's something to do. and having this first summer of real unemployment is driving me crazy. the internship is okay. i like what i'm doing and occasionally feel some sort of gratitude for the things i do. but the no money factor kills me. it's also not enough to keep me busy. i'm finding other activities, like cooking, working out, cleaning, and playing video games to make the days pass. and even then, i'm finding it strangely difficult to make a life out of any of this.
you see, a lot of social life depends on funds. with no moneys, this makes it increasingly difficult to go out and do things, like drink heavily at bars -- which most of my friends do. sure, i can hang out with dudes, get drinks, and do whatever i want. but it's not the same. i don't want to be dependent on another dude just to be able to go out and have fun. i've never wanted to be dependent. i'm one of the biggest commitaphobes i've ever met -- and i'm not exactly going to be shy about it. many of my past relationships have failed mostly because of this reason. i don't settle. i don't commit. and when i do these things, they have a tendency to backfire on me. so, for the most part, i just stopped.
i stopped after my latest failed relationship ended in december. we were together for quite some time and i was over it in a matter of days. frankly, i was over it before it was even over. but that empathy factor set in and i decided it was better to seem like i was upset than to go off and live my life so quickly. the commitment set in and i just wasn't ready. i was never ready with him even though he felt like he was. it was just not anything that i needed at the time. and it went on for so long -- as one of my first "real" relationships that i didn't know how to end. and the ending was about 8 months too late.
i could tell myself again and again that it was my fault. that i should have spared both of us the trouble, ending it when it should have ended, rather than many months later when he had invested himself in me and the relationship even further. but i couldn't do that. and i still can't. i can assume that he's forgiven me and things might resume as normal -- to be friends. but i can't do that either. i'll never see him again. or any of the other dudes i may have been sort of "seeing" (or mostly just kissing) on the side -- and i'm sorry that he may not have known that, but i can assume he suspected. it was an easy way out that i saw but never used to progress to a means to an end. i had just always hoped and knew, whatever hopeless romantic, if any, was left in me -- that i would just know when that right dude had come along. i encouraged myself to believe that somewhere out there was a dude i could be with where i didn't want to be with any other dudes except him.
i started 2012 off with a clean slate. and by the middle of january and a whole fuck ton of awful dates later, i found a few shining lights. some of which worked out to my advantage and others not so much. two of them remained steady up until about now. one of them, i had assumed, had no interest in anything else other than what we were doing -- hanging out. he felt more like a friend rather than somebody i may have been sort of dating. the other found a soft spot in me that i wasn't sure existed. and although there was always a constant talk of where we were going or how things were progressing, there never seemed to be a common ground we could take other than whatever it was that we had. so i left it. at some point, i realized that i saw a potential future but never exactly expressed an interest in this until it was too late.
it was a step up and a step down for everyone involved. of course, there were and still are other dudes being picked up and dropped off consistently wherever i see fit. whenever i wanted something more and he didn't, i'd make more time for others. whenever it seemed he wanted something more, i was constantly invested in other dudes. we were always on a different level of infatuation - whether we actually believed in it or not. but it was one of the only things in my life that kept me steady and stable. something i could count on being there even if he wasn't always around whenever i needed him to be -- because i never expected him to be. it was something i felt content with. and happy that throughout this strange, steady dating experience, there was never a point where i felt required to end it -- like so many others had pissed me off before. it was patience and understanding. it was honest and positive.
but there were no rules.
and when there are no boundaries, no procedures, no policies, and no rules, there is bound to be failure, upset, and sadness. i had the ability to do whatever the fuck i wanted. and so i did it. i fell back into old patterns and routines. i fell back into the roots of 15 year old me -- being in the wrong place at the wrong time and doing things i know i shouldn't be doing. my ethics and morals were off balance. i wanted an exclusivity but couldn't get it. so i added more dudes into the picture, making myself even more confused about the whole situation and fucking up some other things i had going for me in my life. i hit a downward spiral until i decided i wasn't going to take this shit any longer.
and yet -- we remained steady. it was always available to me whenever i felt like getting it. problems soon arose that i realized and i didn't know how to cope. i kept telling myself that it was just a phase. we'd been through them before. but i had a feeling. i had that feeling my life had been too swell for too long and i was about to be hit. a storm was coming. and it did.
my existing problems with time and the job search sent me into an anger i've never felt before. i have no money to show for the 4 months i've been out of school. i have no money to go out with friends and live a life. i have no money to pay rent and live in toronto. i have problems with osap giving me money to get through the next year and my new post-grad program. i had friends reach out to me with mind-boggling problems of their own -- dealing with their own stress and anxieties of life that hurt me, knowing that i was dealing with similar issues and was at a loss for words. i re-evaluated my life and choices. this was the first time ever that i didn't know what to do, where to go, or who to turn to.
so when i needed him to be there without telling him i needed him to be there, he decided he wasn't going to be. the one steady thing in my life had failed me.
but i'll only be stronger once this storm is over.
......."rise."
Showing posts with label social life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social life. Show all posts
Jul 30, 2012
Jun 14, 2012
financial troubles
you might ask how i'm surviving in toronto without a paying job.
the short answer is that it's not going well.
the long answer is basically as follows:
1. OSAP & financial aid
i still have a little bit of money leftover from OSAP of 2011-2012. they gave me enough to cover tuition and most of my rent/food which has helped significantly over the year and the past couple of months not in school. my rent is not cheap. food is not cheap. my social life also doesn't come cheap (unless, of course, dudes buy me beers all the time... and i've been flirting my way nonstop for this just because i'm so broke at the moment. it's working; don't judge me. i won't do it as often once i've found a paying job).
my estimate for september is about the same which is quite nice. i'll be able to splurge a bit because my tuition doesn't cost nearly as much as last year. in fact, it's about $2,000 less than last year. that's so amazing. i'm still scratching my head as to where the $6,000 i spent on tuition last year went and what i've truly gained from the program. i don't remember applying for any tuition assistance/grants/bursaries last year but somehow managed to be the recipient of a bursary that was enough to cover a month's worth of rent and groceries. so when i applied for those money saving things this year, the seneca website came back to me saying that my financial need was too great and they couldn't do anything to help me. really? because back when i was dependent on my parents and/or living at home, my parents made too much money for me to qualify for anything; or my summer working paid for most of my tuition and expenses; or OSAP covered a little bit of tuition yet was never enough. but when i'm an independent struggling to find a paying job, going back to school, living on my own, and have little to no savings because of rent/food/tuition/etc, i can't qualify for any assistance? geez. who does that money end up going to then?
2. attempts at savings
i never followed a budget while living in toronto but i probably should have. on rent and transportation, i'm looking at $777 + $104 a month = $881. plus the cost of food/beer. and i'd say i was spending $1,000 or more each month just to cover my survival. i had a lot of money saved up to move. it was enough to pay my full amount of first semester tuition $3,000+ before my OSAP came into my hands in september when i moved to toronto.
and even with that tuition, i still had lots of money left over from living at home for almost 2 years, working part-time during the school year and summers, not having any bills to pay or transportation costs (except my cell phone... and even then, my parents sometimes paid for that), not spending any money on food/groceries, and not going out nearly as much or spending too much when i did go out for beers. so yes, i had the ability to save and budget when i wanted to and when i had a steady source of income with no bills to pay. but since i made something like $2,000 over the course of last summer and the last time i worked a paying job was august 2011, it's no wonder that i don't have a lot of cash right now.
3. social life on hold
i've really cut back on going out lately. or if i do go out, i won't spend that much. i used to go out for meals a few times a week or order in, but i've stopped that too (and maybe i'll go out once a week.) i went home a few times in the past couple of months to save money on meals or i had certain things to do. my parents have been up visiting and have taken me out or fed me every time they come up. i just spent about a week at home to save money and was able to get them to pay for my toiletries for the next couple of months (and, every time i go home, gramma gives me moneys for coming home.. so that's pretty nice). sometimes, my mom will cook me food and i'll bring it back with me. there's a sheppard's pie and pasta sauce in my freezer that's been in there for about a month now. i should probably eat it soon. i'll go to friend's places and we'll have potlucks or barbecues and that's quite helpful in feeding me. i'm a hungry girl, okay, if you haven't noticed already!
4. interviews?
i finally had an interview at the environmental centre i've applied to like 40 times in the past 6 months. they emailed me saying that the full-time position i applied for was filled but they've opened up a part-time position and to re-submit my resume. i did and had the interview on tuesday. it's a part-time, permanent position, three days a week at about 20 hours a week. it extends past the summer but i never told them i was going back to school in september. also, it's in the middle of no where and sort of difficult to get to; i take a bus to a park, walk through the park to a trail, and hike about 2km to the centre. sure.. that's a nice walk in the summer during the daytime. but in the evning/at night/when it's raining/snowing/other inclement weather/etc it won't be very nice. and the cab ride is about $15 with a tip. so yeah, that doesn't come cheap either. i'm supposed to hear back "by the end of the week" but i may be turning it down if i do get it because of all of the things i mentioned above. we'll see.
i'm applying to lots of jobs constantly and not getting anywhere. my unpaid internship is going well. the second part of my research into the longboarding benefits calculations are going smoothly (now.. after some technical/"i can't brain today, i've got the dumb" issues) and it's helping me keep busy on these long, hot days when instead of spending money and drinking beer on a patio, i'm hanging out in my living room with the air conditioning on full blast figuring out the benefits of longboarding.
hey... job... are you out there? it's me... amber.
the short answer is that it's not going well.
the long answer is basically as follows:
1. OSAP & financial aid
i still have a little bit of money leftover from OSAP of 2011-2012. they gave me enough to cover tuition and most of my rent/food which has helped significantly over the year and the past couple of months not in school. my rent is not cheap. food is not cheap. my social life also doesn't come cheap (unless, of course, dudes buy me beers all the time... and i've been flirting my way nonstop for this just because i'm so broke at the moment. it's working; don't judge me. i won't do it as often once i've found a paying job).
my estimate for september is about the same which is quite nice. i'll be able to splurge a bit because my tuition doesn't cost nearly as much as last year. in fact, it's about $2,000 less than last year. that's so amazing. i'm still scratching my head as to where the $6,000 i spent on tuition last year went and what i've truly gained from the program. i don't remember applying for any tuition assistance/grants/bursaries last year but somehow managed to be the recipient of a bursary that was enough to cover a month's worth of rent and groceries. so when i applied for those money saving things this year, the seneca website came back to me saying that my financial need was too great and they couldn't do anything to help me. really? because back when i was dependent on my parents and/or living at home, my parents made too much money for me to qualify for anything; or my summer working paid for most of my tuition and expenses; or OSAP covered a little bit of tuition yet was never enough. but when i'm an independent struggling to find a paying job, going back to school, living on my own, and have little to no savings because of rent/food/tuition/etc, i can't qualify for any assistance? geez. who does that money end up going to then?
2. attempts at savings
i never followed a budget while living in toronto but i probably should have. on rent and transportation, i'm looking at $777 + $104 a month = $881. plus the cost of food/beer. and i'd say i was spending $1,000 or more each month just to cover my survival. i had a lot of money saved up to move. it was enough to pay my full amount of first semester tuition $3,000+ before my OSAP came into my hands in september when i moved to toronto.
and even with that tuition, i still had lots of money left over from living at home for almost 2 years, working part-time during the school year and summers, not having any bills to pay or transportation costs (except my cell phone... and even then, my parents sometimes paid for that), not spending any money on food/groceries, and not going out nearly as much or spending too much when i did go out for beers. so yes, i had the ability to save and budget when i wanted to and when i had a steady source of income with no bills to pay. but since i made something like $2,000 over the course of last summer and the last time i worked a paying job was august 2011, it's no wonder that i don't have a lot of cash right now.
3. social life on hold
i've really cut back on going out lately. or if i do go out, i won't spend that much. i used to go out for meals a few times a week or order in, but i've stopped that too (and maybe i'll go out once a week.) i went home a few times in the past couple of months to save money on meals or i had certain things to do. my parents have been up visiting and have taken me out or fed me every time they come up. i just spent about a week at home to save money and was able to get them to pay for my toiletries for the next couple of months (and, every time i go home, gramma gives me moneys for coming home.. so that's pretty nice). sometimes, my mom will cook me food and i'll bring it back with me. there's a sheppard's pie and pasta sauce in my freezer that's been in there for about a month now. i should probably eat it soon. i'll go to friend's places and we'll have potlucks or barbecues and that's quite helpful in feeding me. i'm a hungry girl, okay, if you haven't noticed already!
4. interviews?
i finally had an interview at the environmental centre i've applied to like 40 times in the past 6 months. they emailed me saying that the full-time position i applied for was filled but they've opened up a part-time position and to re-submit my resume. i did and had the interview on tuesday. it's a part-time, permanent position, three days a week at about 20 hours a week. it extends past the summer but i never told them i was going back to school in september. also, it's in the middle of no where and sort of difficult to get to; i take a bus to a park, walk through the park to a trail, and hike about 2km to the centre. sure.. that's a nice walk in the summer during the daytime. but in the evning/at night/when it's raining/snowing/other inclement weather/etc it won't be very nice. and the cab ride is about $15 with a tip. so yeah, that doesn't come cheap either. i'm supposed to hear back "by the end of the week" but i may be turning it down if i do get it because of all of the things i mentioned above. we'll see.
i'm applying to lots of jobs constantly and not getting anywhere. my unpaid internship is going well. the second part of my research into the longboarding benefits calculations are going smoothly (now.. after some technical/"i can't brain today, i've got the dumb" issues) and it's helping me keep busy on these long, hot days when instead of spending money and drinking beer on a patio, i'm hanging out in my living room with the air conditioning on full blast figuring out the benefits of longboarding.
hey... job... are you out there? it's me... amber.
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