time stops

i've just spent my first entire year out of school.

and in that year i:

- started something with a dude
- went to vegas
- ended something with a dude
- spent forever job hunting
- started something with a dude
- started something with a dude
- had a wonderful summer without a job
- got a real job
- got really sick
- saw my favourite band ever live for the first time 
- got fired from the real job
- almost died due to sickness 
- spent two months sober
- recovered from sickness
- got hired at a new job
- celebrated 3 months at the new job
- ended something with a dude
- pretty much ended something with a dude

for the first time in a long time, i'm not seeing anyone. this includes any physical or emotional relationships that were barely anything to begin with. i have no dudes. and it's actually one of the best feelings i've had in a long time.

a lot can change in a year because timing is everything.

i'm just happy to be alive.

it's natural to be afraid

i would never complain about being single.

i'm convinced people who actually complain about being single are those who find themselves to be lonely. and that is something i am not.

in the last few weeks, i've had a couple of friends comment on how i have nothing going on and that it "doesn't seem like me". what they fail to realize is that, well, this is not news. i haven't had anything going on in quite some time and i've lost the motivation to do anything about it.

but, if we're being completely honest here: it doesn't bother me.

for those of you in relationships, let me remind you how terrible it is to be a single girl in a dating world:

1) dudes are fucking creepy - both online & offline
2) dating is hard work - "put yourself out there" uhhh, no thanks
3) making time to date is difficult
4) where do you pick up dudes? the bar? the subway? the street corner? (oh.. i can't.. those are women)
5) online dating is mostly just met with creeps and dudes who are seriously fucked up (yes, i'm also creepy and fucked up - but we'll get to that)

so.. yes. it's no wonder i don't have a lot going on right now. i troll creepy dudes online. i rarely meet cute dudes that i'm attracted to who aren't fucked up or there's something about them that i don't like. i don't have the time or the energy to go out every so often and try to take somebody home with me; i'm in bed most nights by 9pm because i'm a fucking old lady.

i just feel as though i lost a significant part of me - the part that used to be amazing with flirting with dudes/taking them home/making something happen. and i don't know if that's just disappearing because i'm growing up or because i'm preoccupied with other things. i've lost the ability to multi-task with a life, friends, and dudes. and that's probably for the best.

don't get me wrong, i haven't been completely "out of it" - there are a few very, low-key, nearly exciting dudes in my life that i see occasionally. but these are hardly worth mentioning to anyone since i'm barely getting involved as it is. and some that should probably be thrown away all together.

i'm okay with the way that things are, for now. i know there are some things i need to figure out before i can get involved with anyone. i know that eventually, i'll have to let my guard down and let somebody in. i know that someday, i'll have to function in a real relationship with someone i care about and actually share the majority of myself with them, which is something i already have trouble doing. i know that i'll meet someone who my friends approve of and consider him to be the best of the best, since my friends care about me that much. i know that i'll be with someone who can respect my boundaries and life choices, as those aren't going to change, despite what people might say and think. 

but until all of the above are understood, i'm content with my dude situation. however, there's always room for improvement.

time's a wastin'

i figured the job hunt is getting to a serious desperation point as i applied to several jobs yesterday and received two requests for interviews. one for an administrative position at a daycare and one for a research internship for a marketing firm.

okay, yes... i would prefer the research one. but i'm almost willing to do anything if it pays (so, start looking for my drag king debut sooner rather than later).

i'm basically up in arms about the interview i had this morning. i travelled over half an hour in rush hour commute times to the daycare. i was just under ten minutes early. i walked in and was greeted by a lady to pointed me in the direction of the lady interviewing me. we walked to an office while we attempted small talk. she was sort of difficult to understand and talked pretty fast.

at the office, i had a seat and she asked if i had any experience working with kids. yep, i sure did. then, she asked if i had office experience. yep, i kinda did. working in a library is kinda like an office. there were officey-type things to do and whatnot, so i described to her what i did. she followed up by asking me why she should hire me over others. i threw out some things about how i'm awesome. she didn't seem too impressed with me. she told me that if and when she calls for a second interview is when she would talk about the position, the wage, and answer any questions i had about the position.

i stared at her in disbelief. you mean to tell me i travelled over half an hour to meet with you for exactly five minutes? i asked her if they were looking for somebody full-time, permanent and she shook her head yes. she got up to shake my hand and wished me farewell. she didn't even walk me out. when i had checked the time upon me leaving the daycare, it was 9:30am -- the time my interview was supposed to start.

what the fuck just happened?

the fuck?

not only was this a waste of my time (to barely sleep the night before because of interview nerves, to get up and get ready, to travel across the city and meet her) but also a waste of her own time to meet with me. we both know that's five minutes of our lives we will never get back. so why even bother interviewing if you already seem to know that you don't like me or that i don't fit your qualifications/standards for the position?

ugh. feeling totally down and ridiculous, i walked past a loblaws on the way back to the subway. i dropped off a resume just to try and increase chances of a potential job. maybe something will happen. maybe not. at least my chances are better in dropping that resume off than the interview i just had.

here's hoping that tomorrow's interview on bay street goes a little better.