from a world that's grown so cold and vicious

8 months.

we are now 8 months into this fucking covid pandemic and i am fed up. i'm just so tired of the bullshit. 

i've spent most of this year continuing to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. i'm tired of it. i'm tired of everything coming back normal when we all know there isn't anything normal about me. i keep holding my breath. i want to have hope but there isn't any left. i've surpassed five years of not knowing what's wrong. and let's face it - something has been wrong with me for 32 years and we still don't know. 

i was supposed to have an appointment booked for the end of november which is now rescheduled to december. i have to wait over a month for possible results. i have to wait over a month for whatever the next step is going to be - more testing, probably, or they will just give up on me.

i can't even begin to tell you how difficult it was to not throw myself off my balcony back in march/april when i couldn't get any treatment. i struggle with these thoughts a lot more when my health is bad. when i have no quality of life and i imagine what the rest of my life is going to be like if i can't get better. i'm still here. but that bad place in my head just keeps growing. 

my body still remains a mystery. i have no idea how the day is going to go. but i'm fine. there's absolutely nothing wrong with me. every test is normal. my doctor couldn't even decide if i should get a flu shot. i got one anyway and thought i was going to die. no matter what i do, i just feel like i'm failing. i'm doing everything i can and it just isn't enough. i'm extremely scared for what they're going to tell me in december.

how do you escape yourself when you don't know what it is you're running from?

as much as i ever could

my earliest memory is a recurring nightmare so vivid that i'm not even sure sometimes if it was just a dream.

in the nightmare, i'm unsafe. my health is in jeopardy. i'm powerless to stop the person doing these things to me. they're after something of mine and i can't let them have it. they're after me in a way i can't understand. i'm just a child. it's 30 years later and that's the only part of my childhood i can remember fully. i can put myself there in a second. i can still remember the sounds of buzzsaw. the sounds of my screaming to no avail. i can still remember his face.

it's 30 years later and suddenly i'm presented with answers. answers that explain some things but not others. answers that change everything but also nothing. the world has been taken from me and i didn't even get to experience it. i'll never get better. this is the way things are now and there's nothing i can do to stop it. it's my nightmare in real life.

go back to sleep.

of all the things you've done wrong

toronto experienced a terrorist attack this week.

i call it terrorism because that is 100% what it was. an attack - a targeted attack - on women. 10 people are dead and 14 more are seriously injured. a raging dude decided to run over everything in his path because of rejection. women wouldn't sleep with him - maybe. but perhaps that's for good reason.

this is a kind reminder that women do not owe anyone anything. and they are not required to have sex with anyone they don't want to have sex with. it's 2018 and people somehow don't seem to understand this concept. the fact that later on this week, bill cosby was found guilty of three counts of aggravated indecent assault speaks more words than i ever could.

my heart has been hurting a lot this week. my biggest fear as a toronto pedestrian is someone hitting me with their vehicle, on purpose or accidentally. pedestrian deaths and injuries climb every year and no matter how much i follow the rules of the road, i'm nearly hit daily.

i'm not a stranger to the worst dudes who refuse to take no for an answer. a few of which wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if they went on a killing spree. i'd hope that they would keep their composure or reach out for help before it came to that. but once i had heard the suspect was in custody, i held my breath. it wasn't any of them, thankfully. at least - not yet.

so much of what i've experienced is the brutal online harassment and violence, similar to what nora loreto is currently going through for a tweet regarding the humboldt broncos crash. hiding behind a screen, these dudes consistently harass her about things unrelated to her tweet in a horrible manner. it's sickening. most of these people utter death threats. nobody deserves that kind of treatment. continuing to hide behind their screens, i'm betting these were the same people jumping to conclusions about the ethnicity and motives of the suspect for the toronto attack.

the most heartbreaking part of it all is when my coworkers brushed off the attack like it was nothing. "it is what it is" was something muttered way too much this week. my coworkers explained to our international offices that it was "some crazy guy who hates women" and not a terrorist attack. but they are wrong.

nobody's life should ever be cut short because some dude didn't get what he wanted.

#torontostrong

she makes her way and never looks back

each year that passes seems to have a main theme. for 2017, the theme was year of the ex. and not just one of them.

there's a reason these dudes are not in my life. in order to truly move on from any feelings i once had, it's important that these dudes no longer play a role. they have served their purpose. and i have no desire to see them again.

unfortunately, i make the mistake of not changing my old habits or watering holes because, well, why should i? these habits and places were mine first. so occasionally, we might run into each other.

it started off innocently enough. we showed up to the same event. you clearly saw me and ran away. cool, looks like i won this round. the next time, i went to a store i enjoy and saw you down an aisle. this time, i made sure to run away. i was having a bad day which got worse when i saw you and i was not interested in dealing with anything. and that was it for you. one ex - a couple of encounters - okay, no big deal.

wrong.

at a bar and things seem oddly familiar. i recognize that guy up front. next to him is the second ex. panic. well, maybe it won't be that bad. oh, wait, it's worse than i thought. not again. i can't possibly have more bad luck. wait - what's that? - you work here? oh. guess i'll be leaving then.

year of the ex continues on the very last day of the year. the third and final ex.

this time, i'm less ready for it because you were so far from my radar. you caught me by surprise in that place i took you once. and then it all came back to me. one of the last times i saw you, we were seeing that band, at that venue. you liked music. we may as well have traveled back in time 4 years and had that night all over again. but this was different. things didn't end in a bad place. they ended because timing is a bitch. and you were probably what i should have been chasing all along. but young me thought you were too good for me until it was too late. and sitting across from you on new year's eve was the reason we ended.

all of these dudes shaped who i am today and i do hope they are happy with whatever it is that they're doing currently. but please, all of you, go back into hiding for another 4 years. i have reached my maximum quota of feelings for a long time.

auld lang syne

2017. it's been real.

you started off rocky, as you always do. i spent many nights crying myself to sleep worrying about how things were going to play out. i felt the most depressed i think i've ever been in a long time. i had a number of people keeping me grounded but there was an incredible amount of uncertainty about my future.

to fix all of this, i made a life altering decision to get my own place. i didn't care if i could hardly afford it. it was something i could change and i went for it. in april, i secured a place i could finally call home and be alone for the first time. this was one of the best decisions i made in 2017.

#views

with my own place down, i had two things left to focus on: my work and my health. these two weren't exactly up to me to conquer. these two tended to dick me around more than i'd like to admit. despite it all, my contract was finally renewed for another year and it came with a significant raise. i got extremely lucky in that i could almost afford my new apartment. 

now i had 2/3 of my biggest stressors resolved. in july, i started experimental ANF therapy for my health. i had immediate results and suddenly my knees felt like they were functioning properly in over two years. each session makes my body feel better. becoming nearly pain-free and feeling like i was back to having control over my body, i was able to continue getting stronger at the gym. my confidence in my walking/moving returned and the sadness faded.

i spent the summer focused on having as much fun as possible. in september, i took off on vacation by myself and went to ottawa for a few days. in october, i celebrated my birthday surrounded by good friends, good food, and good beer. i watched as my friends grew in their relationships and started moving onto that next step. i watched as, for some, that next step never happened.

2018 takes me out of my twenties and puts me into my thirties. i'll only believe that when i stop getting asked for ID to buy beer.

i know

i know that look.

i can't tell you how many times i've had to deal with that look. there's the good one and the bad one. and i get a mixture of both, and everything in between.

there's that look i caught you in the night we met. that seems like forever ago now. the conversation was going on at the other end of the table and there you were, staring right at me. i caught you and my shy self saw it as nothing. well, i saw it as something. i saw it as intrigue because i too was interested in what we were about to do here. sometime later, while i rested my head on you chest, i told you about that night when i saw you staring at me. you laughed it off like it was nothing. it was far from nothing. i know that look.

there's that look i get where i know your every intention. we all went out one night and i wanted to see how you would act. you did almost everything i thought you would, except for one. you barely said a word to me the entire night. but whether that was your play or your awkward self, it didn't change the way i was certain you felt about me. you used to ask me how things were going. at that party, you told me i was pretty. until you realized i didn't come to that party alone. when you spoke up in front of everyone, trying to help me out - that was the look. your circumstances may have changed, but i still see that look. i know that fucking look even if you don't.

there's that look that makes you do a double take. there's that look that says i'm too young to be dealing with this shit. there's that look that i can see you think i'm faking it. but nobody in their right mind would fake something like this. nobody should have to live like i do. there's that look i see when you're not trying to see me. there's that polite look that extends my faith in humanity for another second. there's that look that screams doubt and uncertainty. there's that look of sadness and disappointment. there's a look of your heart breaking and believe me, mine does the same.

but that look you gave me the last time i saw you was what made my heart hurt the most. i wasn't alone and your look changed almost immediately after that realization. you continued to press on like nothing had changed. and we'll continue to play this game as it shapes our past, present, and future.

all because of that fucking look.

(dis)abled

for whatever reason since i moved to toronto, i've been dealing with a seemingly never-ending list of ailments. the latest being the stupidity of my knees/legs not working properly. and let me tell you, toronto is hardly accessible for the functional pedestrian, let alone those who aren't quite able-bodied.

my knees got exceptionally bad the past couple weeks and i've been back on meds the last couple days with positive improvements. like the majority of toronto pedestrians, i spend a lot of my time commuting on the ttc during rush hour. i, like everyone else, still have to get to work, whether my knees work or not. i can't afford constant taxis (not an uber because windows phone problems), i can't always walk a long distance (or short distances some days) and i definitely can't bike.

on one particularly rough knee day, it's rush hour and i'm trying to get home. a couple of king streetcars pass by me, too packed for me to even begin to think about getting on. a third one comes along and although i've been standing around the longest, everyone rushes the streetcar before it stops. it looks like there might be some room and i make a move. i make it onto the streetcar and move about an inch from the white line and can barely stand on my own two feet. i have a very noticeable limp. i look around frantically to see if someone might be able to give up their seat for me. in the blue accessible seats is an older lady and two younger looking people. as i continue looking around and trying to make eye contact with anyone at all sitting down, i feel a small tap on my back and a quiet voice: "sweetie, do you need a seat?".

it's the older lady. the only one who has noticed me get on the streetcar and require a seat. now, the last thing i want to do is move this older lady from her seat because i need one. i also do not feel comfortable asking someone for a seat because they might have some sort of invisible, underlying disability. or maybe they've been on their feet for 8+ hours a day and the only time they got to sit down was their commute home. i can only hope that someone who is a bit more able-bodied than me at the time will be nice enough to get up and let me have their seat.

i smiled at the old lady, nodded my head, and said "yeah, i do. is that okay?". the second i said something, the two younger people got up from the seats and moved so i could sit down. i was grateful, but the entire situation could have been avoided if everyone paid attention to the people getting on the streetcar.

a similar encounter happened while i was with another friend during rush hour on the subway. a train rolls into the station as the two of us are on the escalator down. as we're in no real rush and i can't quite move that fast, we get off the escalator and take a few steps toward the train when the doors ding dang dong. a few more steps and we would have been on the train with no issues. instead, an older man barrels down the escalator at full speed, yells, and pushes right through us to get on the train, nearly knocking the two of us down in the process. the doors close and the train leaves while we try to gather ourselves back up and realize that an older man just pushed two young girls out of the way to get on a train during rush hour. i was dumbfounded. 30 seconds later, another train rolled into the station and we were on our way again.

a slight push in the wrong direction, a twist of my own body, or my foot touching the crack of a sidewalk the wrong way can cause me a lot of distress and a possible dislocation/sublaxation of my knees. i wear knee braces to minimize the risk of this happening, but there is always possibility. this is why my greatest fear is now people. i can only be so careful to avoid certain situations and crowds, but i still have to get around, get to work, get home, go to buy groceries, attempt a social life and try my best to continue living life to the best of my ability.

i think the biggest problem is that when you see my face, i look like a young and healthy girl. a young, normal girl with knees that don't work the way they should.

please be mindful of those around you and don't fucking barrel through people. i assure you, the last thing you want to do is hear me scream if my knees dislocate. i guarantee you will be hearing that scream until you die. just ask my coworkers in that kitchen during the summer of 2011.

some search for things to burn

"until we all feel, we have enough things, to burn"

i've always had a difficult time saying no. saying no to people. saying no to things. saying no to work. saying no to anything. i'm a person who tries to give other people and other things the benefit of the doubt. and more often than not, it tends to screw me over.

as i'm getting older, i'm learning to say no as much as i can without it maybe screwing me over. although, at times, it will continue to fuck up my life. like that one time i said no at my last job and it played into my eventual demise with the company. that place was fucked with or without me and i saw it as a good thing.

i never said no when i was younger. i had a bad habit of treating friends who weren't very good to me better than how i treated myself. these friends would end friendships out of the blue for no reason (or a variety of reasons to be discussed at a later date) and come crawling back months or years later. and sometimes, i took them back. only to have the same thing happen again, and again, and again. i never fucking learned. i never understood how someone i thought was a friend could hurt me as much as they did.

i grew up and kept making the same mistakes with new friends, with old friends, and with dudes. until one day when it was about to happen, i said no.

there are 4 examples that stick out in my mind.

an acquaintance in high school had a thing for one of my friends. she would fuck around with every dude, including his friends, and not him. we kept in touch briefly after high school and then that ended for whatever reason. he goes through stages of adding/removing me as a friend on facebook for years. one day, he adds me back and confesses he's living in toronto with the girl. we hang out without the girl (because she already hates me) and things are fine. weeks later, i found out he (probably) stole some of my shit and had removed me from facebook. did i learn my lesson? nope, not yet. a little while later, he adds me back and tells me they broke up. i don't care. i don't even want my shit back. he goes back and forth deleting and trying to add me again until i finally said no and blocked him. i'm not sure what he wanted me to do for him, but i wasn't interested to have that kind of negativity in my life.

one of my better friends in high school did a similar thing, where she got really upset with me for saying something about a dude she was dating at the time. i have no idea what i said but apparently it was grounds for removing me from facebook without cause. when i finally noticed, i probably sent a message asking what the hell. she told me, i told her i didn't remember, and that was apparently it. by this time, she was already engaged to somebody else. i didn't care. i already knew this was the end of friendship and i'm pretty thankful for that.

i got pretty close to a friend after a year in university. the next year, we're hanging out and as far as i'm aware, things are just fine. i go home and don't hear from him for what seemed like a really long time. it's unusual, but maybe he's busy. he tells me he was mad at the way i left him the last time we hung out. he was mad because i didn't look at him when i was leaving. i don't even know what that means. he then goes on to tell me we were never friends. alright - we hung out every day for an entire year, but nope, we're not friends.

the last one is probably the worst one, because it's the broest bro doing bro things while not even being a bro. this dude i met through a friend and he became obsessed with me to the extent where he would make up fake profiles and send me horrible things. he didn't like me not being interested in him. little did i know at the time, he was one of the first of many dudes i would encounter who were exactly the same.

and maybe these people don't really have a purpose in my life. and whether i like it or not, they'll always try to come back to me. the trick is remembering i can say no at any time. and i don't owe shit to anyone who has hurt me before.

not exactly

i've been asked by several friends lately why i'm no longer writing. they list a number of excuses and my only response is "not exactly."

i didn't stop due to a lack of things to talk about. in fact, that's the complete opposite issue that i'm facing. and maybe it's partly because i have trouble organizing my thoughts well enough to write down what it is that's bothering me. i'll be honest though. there are hundreds of reasons why i stopped writing, but it all boils down to one main common theme: time.

i don't have time to write.

i could go on for an eternity as to why my days are so full of doing things. but that's the price of adulthood - or in some cases, a lack thereof, if you're the only one who does things. outside of work, i practice self-care and it has become an integral part of my being. it will hopefully continue to speed up the healing process and let me someday live a normal life again. or at least, that's my end goal. while i'm not where i was a year ago and there's definite progress in healing, it doesn't happen overnight. i've come to terms with this even when everyone else hasn't. i refuse to let it slow me down (although sometimes it still might - hey, wait up, i got these tiny little legs!)

it becomes increasingly difficult to have a well rounded life when two, well, three things take up the majority of my time. but when i can remove certain variables, more time becomes an option. even though time these days is almost an illusion. hell, look at this 4.5 day weekend right now. where the fuck did it go?

in just 5 days, i'll have my own place for the first time in 29 years. since moving to toronto nearly 6 years ago, my goals included getting a job and moving out on my own. i've had hit and miss roommates, including one roommate from literal hell that makes me never want to live with anyone ever again. okay, that's an exaggeration. maybe i'll get lonely. maybe i'll always need someone around to reach those items on the top shelf. but the idea of being on my own is the most exciting and scary thing going for me right now. i need the independence. i need the quiet. i need the ability to do my own thing.

it might be difficult to understand, but after living with a roommate you don't particularly enjoy, it changes you. unfortunately for me, my roommate situations haven't always been the best. and i'm ready for that next step to call my own place home with just a single tenant occupancy. but fuck, toronto, could you calm your shit with the rent prices? it took 6 years to get to a point where i could finally afford to be somewhere without roommates and compared to most friends, i'm extremely good with my money.

time might be the biggest common theme with my lack of writing but there is always more to the story. when you really enjoy doing something, there's always time for it. i've spent the better part of the last two years or so spending less and less time on social media. my blog and everything it was set out to do, didn't quite serve a purpose any longer. i continuously had all these thoughts in my mind where i'd think that the topics would make a fantastic blog post and no time to write them. this is one thing i want to change. writing used to be an outlet for me to understand whatever was stressing me out. whatever was keeping me up at night. these stressful things no longer keep me awake at night. instead, they get overlooked and pushed away.

maybe it's because i can't change the things i complain about regarding work. maybe it's because i don't have any complaints about dudes in my life because there's only one who makes things better and not worse. maybe it's because i don't tend to complain about life as a whole as much any longer. maybe i'd rather listen and help than attempt to bore you with the little things that bother me. maybe it's because despite it all, things are finally coming together the way they're meant to be, even if it isn't what i expected 6 years ago.

maybe i'll write again in a week or a year. maybe i just need more time.

10 acts of climate leadership

i've made a new blog for climate camp.

it'll be just as cool as this one but more focused on environmental/sustainability issues.

you can find it here:

http://www.ermahgerdclimatechange.blogspot.com 

happy reading! 

am i alive? am i still breathing?

in october 2015, i dislocated my left kneecap for the first time in four years. ah, the four year stretch. it seems to be the longest time i can go without breaking myself/others/electronics.

my kneecaps have always been awful. my knees, hips, ankles, spine -- well, let's just say all my limbs have never been great. each time a kneecap dislocation happens, i'm in the most intense pain i've ever felt for what feels like an eternity (but is usually under a minute before it pops back into place) and then i can't walk for days. four years ago, i slipped in a puddle at work and my screams echoed through the entire kitchen for a week. i've dealt with this from about the age of 12. growing up in a small town where doctors never understood the phenomenon that is my body, i was consistently sent home and told to rest and ice. when i tell my specialists about this, they are dumbfounded.

so when it happened again in october after i had been in physiotherapy for 8 months and was feeling quite strong, my physiotherapist ordered an orthopedic surgeon referral. in december, i met the surgeon who briefly told me that i need to strengthen the muscles which surround the kneecap and keep it in place. surgery was not an option due to a high failure rate. a few days later, i began those strengthening exercises with my physiotherapist. a couple more days later and i manage to injure myself again, but have no idea what i did. all i remember feeling was a sharp pain in my right knee while walking on the treadmill at the gym and then i was unable to walk for the next week without copious amounts of pain in both my right knee and right hip. the kneecap did not dislocate. there was hardly even a sublaxation of the kneecap. something happened, and i was temporarily disabled.

after this had been happening for 3 weeks and i didn't feel like i was getting better, i checked myself into the hospital and got x-rays which returned normal and a referral to a sports medicine doctor. once i told my physiotherapist about what had happened, we began electroshock therapy and she told me to begin acupuncture. when i met with my naturopath, she provided some relief and told me to begin osteopathy. when i met my physician, she did some bloodwork to check that everything was normal and will conduct a "leg exam" upon next visit, whatever that means.

today, i met the sports medicine doctor and once again explained all of my troubles. similarly to each specialist, he rolled his eyes at the way i was never treated properly until recently. he prescribed anti-inflammatory pills to reduce tension in my muscles and kneecap braces for both of my knees. if in 6 weeks there is not much improvement, he will refer me back to another orthopedic surgeon for consultation. he believes that although the issue lies within the weak kneecap muscles and extremely tight outer muscle that runs down from the hip to knee, there could also be a ligament issue that has been overlooked.

yes, there are officially 7 specialists keeping me alive and helping me get better.

i miss the gym. i miss walking without pain. i miss walking everywhere. i miss friends. i miss doing things.

my only goal is to get better.

where have you been?

sometimes, your whole life can change in a mere matter of months.

i never doubted for one second that my job search would last more than a couple of months. with the way i was getting interviews and the ability to carry myself within those interviews, as well as getting interviews for both jobs and companies i wanted to work for, i knew i was doing something right. i had a number of good references by my side and, as i've always known, eventually, things do fall into place.

in early november, i was hired on into the reinsurance industry as a claims administrator for a maternity leave coverage for a year. within a week, i knew this is where i was meant to be for now. i've just completed a month and a half worth of training and begin on my own this week. at the christmas party this past weekend, my boss made it clear to me that he wasn't worried at all and believed in my ability to do a good job. i can't tell you how nice it is to work at a place that actually respects you as a human being. sometimes, you get so used to being treated like shit in all other aspects of your life that you go on to take it is a normal standard of living. let me tell you, that's definitely not the case.

in late july, i met a new dude from my adventures in tinder that, surprisingly, was after sort of the same thing as me. it's been a very good few months and i enjoy his company a bit more each time we hang out.

i had one last tinder adventure before my current dude which nearly had me deleting tinder forever and never looking back. let me explain a bit.

this dude and i had barely a conversation before he decided we should hang out. when i told him i wasn't sure if i was comfortable with me not being able to figure out if he was a serial killer as he was hesitant to give me his facebook, i should've known the red flags right away. but, i let it slide. a few days later, we met up for drinks after work. he seemed... alright. alright in the way that i knew i wasn't ready at all to jump into anything. but i had a feeling that was never his intention. we went on a second date to see jurassic world and ending with him leaving in the early hours of the morning. i wasn't happy. it didn't feel right and i was hesitant. he wasn't happy with that. i was reluctant for the next couple times we went out and made sure to end the dates early. by the last time i saw him, he had invited me over to his place to make me dinner and i knew this would be the last time i would see him, even before what happened actually happened.

i've talked about adventures in dating in the past, but this threw me for a loop. as i was trying to leave, he forced me to stay in order to do things, while doing some things i was definitely not okay with and made that clear to him. he eventually stopped pressuring me and word for word, said "but i made you dinner"

WHAT.

NO.

i ran away as fast as i could.

in the early part of 2015, i hated my job, could feel my relationship slipping away, was not in a good place, and knew the end was coming for a lot of things in my life. i just never imagined that any of it would happen the way it did.

i really appreciate the turn around for the latter part of 2015, if only for my sanity.

2016, you have some big shoes to fill.

if history is doomed to repeat itself

if 2013 was the year of me close to death, 2015 is making itself the year of loss. i've lost a lot of things over the past 7 months and, fortunately, my mind is not one of them (but just barely.)

late december of 2014, i lost my grandma. late march 2015, i went through a breakup. in late may, i lost my roommate. in the middle of july, i lost my job. and in that same week, i lost my cat, my best friend of the past 15 years.

life has this habit of kicking me while i'm down and i guess i'm sort of used to that by now. but that doesn't stop me from being totally bummed out about everything.

and as always, i'll move on.

i don't have any real words of encouragement for myself in order to move on for the things in my life i can't change. people coming and going in my life is something i've dealt with for decades. and it all kind of works out in the end, though i might not see it right away.

losing my job was one of the happier things i've dealt with in 2015. it gave me a chance to spend a little bit more time with my cat. considering how the job hunt is going (pretty damn amazing), i'm looking forward to enjoying my summer and knowing that the next place i end up will value my time and worth. and hopefully, i'll make a shit ton more money.

this is a perfect opportunity to return to the roots of this blog from 2011 - my post university job hunt. i've spent the last 4 years in toronto and this blog has evolved into more than i ever could have imagined.

in the meantime, let's go celebrate summer in toronto. i'm down for whatever. 

adventures in tinder, part 2

besides the fact that tinder now crashes my phone every time the app opens, i've kind of laid it to rest. but not before coming across something in particular.

there he was, using the same photo from 3 years ago.

3 years ago, i was in a bit of a weird place, trying to figure out my life. i had 4 different dudes i was seeing at the same time and he was one of them. fortunately enough for me, he was designated for sex and nothing more. that was established pretty quickly. he was just old enough to know all the right everything. i was just young enough to give in.

i'll never forget the time when he thought i was 28. i'd hope by then i would've been in a better place. although he was much older than me, he was in the same place i was. he didn't have a job. i think he had just finished school or was about to finish school. he didn't know what he wanted and neither did i. what we had in common was only each other. even his nerdiness, although similar to my own, did not line up. i found myself shy around him, unable to converse. he'd invite me over to his parkdale apartment, feed me drinks i've never heard of, show me films i've never seen, and spend countless hours watching futurama with me. he'd always ask me to stay over and sometimes i did.

i knew it was never going to last and i was quite surprised it went on for as long as it did. i never initiated anything with him because i never needed to do so. there was just something about him that made me kept going back for more, and the sex wasn't even that good. there wasn't a spark. it was just.. something. i still can't figure it out.

what threw me for a loop when i saw him on tinder was that same photo. all of them were the same ones i remember. it had been 3 years. even if it was your best picture, in 3 years, you should've at least taken a different one to use. you have the technology.

i swiped right just to see what would happen. so far, there hasn't been a match.

i'm okay with that.

adventures in tinder

the biggest change that has happened since my last update is that i'm currently single.

i use the term "biggest change" very loosely because not much has actually changed. i could sit here and write out everything i'm feeling and thinking and believe me, i have tried to do this. for once in my life, i had no words to express my frustration, so i didn't. i kept to myself and have every intention of keeping it that way.

in order to get out of my head, i needed a distraction. seeing as how i had extreme curiosity with tinder, i joined. here are my adventures in tinder in somewhat chronological order.

that cute simpsons dude 
not thinking much about it, i instantly matched with a very cute blonde dude in town to film some movie who asked me just the right amount of trivia questions before falling in love with me. it went on like this for a few days and that was the end of that. it was a good start that i knew was going to end up totally misleading during my adventure.


that dude who had no idea how to converse (dick pic #1)
i matched with some dude with a limited profile and now i understand why his profile was so limited. this dude was cute but had no idea how to talk to me. eventually, this ended with him sending me a dick pic. i couldn't have ran away fast enough. thanks for not letting me waste my time on you. here's the things, dudes: familiarize yourself with that of what a girl wants in a dick and decide whether or not yours is it. you know that porn you watch? pay attention to the dude next time. does yours look similar? then maybe send that dick pic. if it doesn't, i'd suggest not sending one.

some cool dudes 
they're cool. maybe we'll meet someday. maybe we won't. whatever.

all the dudes i matched with, initiated conversation, then was frustrated with the lack of everything
this is kind of self-explanatory. isn't this not what tinder is about? matching based on physical appearance and then hooking up/hanging out/whatever? if you don't respond, what's the point? i even played on the offensive side and initiated a conversation with every dude i matched with within a period of time. this is frustrating in itself and makes me hate online dating even more.

all of those aggressive types 
take a step back, please. i'm not a piece of meat. no, i don't want to come over. no, i don't want to be your fantasy. no, i don't want you to tell me what you want to do to me. no, i don't care of this "won't be a one time thing". what if i want it to be a one time thing? come on. there are 2 people in this. i don't really give a fuck what you think. buddy, you know nothing of the online dating world. i understand why you're here.

intentional matching of dude friends 
only to see how long it takes to match with each other while we're standing next to each other. pro tip: it took them longer to find me than it did for me to find them.

unintentional matching of dude friends 
absolutely hilarious. still laughing about it. swipe right.

unintentional matching of exes 
not hilarious, whether they are quite recent or very old. not cool, tinder. let those wounds heal. problem is, they likely were the ones to swipe right.

i gave myself 2 weeks and expected to quit. after 2 weeks, i realized that this was now a fairly decent tool to use to add to my ridiculous life stories. i began to play more and more with various techniques. i spent one day swiping right on every dude. that was probably the biggest mistake i've ever made. unlike my veteran online dating life of plenty of fish with me in a bikini picture which i used to troll dudes, my tinder profile was about as real as it gets. if dudes asked me what i was doing on tinder, i told them the truth: research - and to talk to some cool dudes. if things got a bit more serious in conversation, i'd explain how i'm recently out of a relationship.

some dudes were quite turned off by me being newly single. i don't quite understand why as it had nothing to do with them. except that maybe the odds of me sleeping with them were down about 900%. some dudes were pissed off that i was only looking to talk. one dude even had the audacity to tell me to try okcupid. yeah, fuck you. what a dumb dude.

similar to what happened before, the minute i leave the online dating world is when i'm going to find my next dude.

just give me some time.

the waiting is the hardest part

too much of my life is spent waiting.

i'm constantly waiting for summer, for a better job, for more money, for the work day to be over, to see a doctor, for a train, to get home, for sleep, and the list continues.

typically, i wake up, get ready for work, and head out the door to wait for a train. i wait on the train to get to work. i wait for the elevator. i get into work and wait for my computer to boot up. i wait for that first question of the day. i wait to figure out what my plan of attack for the day will be. i wait around for my boss to be less busy to help me with my own questions. i wait for current projects to return back to me so i can finish them. i wait for lunch. i spend the next few hours in the same cycle while waiting to go home. i wait for a train to go home. i wait for dinner and i wait for bedtime.

by no means am i saying that i hate my job - in fact, it's quite the opposite. i do enjoy the work i'm given on a day to day basis. i enjoy the customer service aspect and i enjoy teaching coworkers or customers, as long as they don't put up a fight (especially when i know i'm right - perhaps i'm just not the best teacher, but yes, i'm working on it).

more than 80% of my day consists of waiting. and it gets worse when i have doctor appointments or are meeting up with friends. i've been watching a lot of aziz ansari's standup lately and he's got it completely down: people these days are assholes because nobody is ever on time. this adds to the waiting in my life. there are certain friends who i tell "be ready for 7" when i know the thing it is we're going to isn't until 8. and yes, i am guilty of being late on occasion as well. sometimes, it becomes inevitable with toronto's terrible transit system. sometimes leaving an hour early from my apartment doesn't get me to where i need to be on time. and that's not a good thing at all.

it's not that i don't do fun things but i can feel my passion for everything i once had slipping away. maybe it's just the long winter getting me down, but when i browse job listings to see what is currently available in my field (though i'm not necessarily looking for a change just yet - just looking around), i notice that the jobs that would've once excited me 2 years ago are not the same things that excite me now. perhaps it's due to me being in the workforce and getting a feel for office life. perhaps it's just that there are no daily reminders and constant learning keeping me strong and passionate about all my years of school. while i spend 8-9 hours of my day at work, the last thing i want to do when i get home is catch up on 8-9 hours of social media and sustainability news.maybe i'm just growing old. as of late, i feel incredibly blah. coping with a long winter, long days at work, battling seasonal allergies, and attempting to pretend i'm 20 again isn't cutting it.

part of me yearns to return to school but a larger part of me knows that it isn't a good idea. i know that if i do, once i'm finished, i'll return to that point of no relevant work experience and too much school. i loathe the day when i'm told i'm too overqualified for the position i'm applying. it's hard enough to hear that at my current job when something needs to be done and i show the initiative to do it. again, it isn't a bad thing, and i'm thankful that my current job recognizes my talents and is helping me develop my skills. 

i don't believe there is a way to cut down the parts of my life i spend waiting. i've developed particular coping mechanisms with certain people in my life but that's only for my own sanity. i do the same with the handful of friends i have who, somehow, despite all odds, continue to mostly be on time. at least when summer arrives, it will feel like i'll have more time to do things with more sunshine.

the waiting will always be the hardest part.

see you in 3-6 months

on february 10, i started physio because i sprained my ankle a week prior literally doing nothing but turning around.

this "doing nothing" concept isn't new to me and is usually the reason behind why all of my injuries occur. throughout my life, my knees have constantly dislocated for no reason and i've fractured my ankle twice as a kid. my knees and ankles get sore pretty easily and i don't have much mobility, flexibility, or stability in my legs. i've always known this.

i've tried my best to strengthen through sports and stretching but nothing ever worked out the way it should. injury after injury, there was never any rehab. my physiotherapist is starting from the very basics and moving up. i have daily exercises and weekly appointments. four weeks in and i'm already noticing a difference, despite hurting my other ankle this morning for no reason. in 6 months, there should be a noticeable difference and i should have extended mobility.

i've started a new regime of pills to fight off another infection that i'll be on for another 3-6 months, depending on how i react. i hope it goes well. this also means no beer for 3-6 months. but i should be back in time for patio season. let's think warm thoughts.

my raise at work went through starting in january and things outside of my health are generally fine. i spend my weekends doing fun things and spending time with the people i care about most. this must be what mid-twenties feels like.

on march 21, i'll be going to my first toronto comicon. if it's anything like fan expo, i'm sure i'll enjoy my time. unfortunately, it won't be the same as my two worlds of baseball and nerdy things won't collide like they did during fan expo.

seriously, i'm sick of winter and would like to be skiing. too bad i'm in toronto. i'm ready for summer.

my parents are thinking about taking my brother and i to florida at the end of april and i'm looking forward to the sun. hopefully my ankles and knees are in working order by then.

see you on the patio.

thank you for everything

my grandmother passed away on christmas eve. she would've been 93 on january 5.

for 3 months, my parents did as much as they could to take care of her. she had fallen ill with liver problems. there were good days and bad days.

what you need to learn about my grandmother is that she was as independent as they go. she never wanted any assistance with anything. she always had a can-do attitude, but my earliest memory of her is speaking to my parents about how she was not long for this world. from about 70 onwards, she continuously thought she would die soon, albeit no real health problems or reasons. my grandfather passed at the age of 51, before i was born. i assumed this was the reason behind her thoughts that she wouldn't live very long.

i spent a lot of time with my grandmother when i was young. she would help me learn ukrainian. we would spend hours reading and writing together. in turn, as all grandmothers do, she would hand me some cash for spending time with her. in her earlier days, she loved to cook for the family. she would make perogies, cabbage rolls, chicken, and lots of ukrainian style deserts. she always knew what my favourite foods were and whenever we visited, would always have them on hand.

when we moved to niagara, my parents had built an in-law suite apartment in the basement for her to move in. my parents sold her gigantic st. catharines home and she moved in with us in 2007. my grandmother fell in love with my cat and the two became inseparable. she would take care of him, take him outside in the backyard, and fill in for me when i couldn't be with him.

in june of 2011, she left the house to watch me graduate from brock university with my bacherlor of arts degree. this was an amazing feat as she did not like to stray too far from home for very long. her usual stops were to the grocery store or bank for a short period of time.

when my brother and i moved out in 2011, the house was empty. shortly after this, my grandmother and my cat fell ill. perhaps the two of them, as old as they were, became stricken with grief of an empty house. we'll never quite know for sure.

when my parents returned home from ireland in october 2014, my grandmother told them she was having problems. this was a first. my family has a proven track record of never telling anyone that we are sick or assume that eventually, we'll get over whatever it is we have. she consistently told my parents she was fine until after they came home from ireland. she was probably not fine before they left.

soon after, nurses came in daily to spend time with my grandmother who wasn't eating and had no energy. she spent a lot of time in bed, maybe eating part of a meal the entire day. she grew thinner and thinner for an already very petite, very thin, very frail woman. in november 2014, the entire family got together as things were not looking well. my grandmother continued to refuse service from support workers and was on a handful of prescribed medication, making it difficult for my parents to take care of her. we all wished that things would get better and my grandmother never lost her can-do attitude. "maybe i will beat this yet", she uttered, several times throughout the month.

my parents were worried that my grandmother may not even recognize me, when i was home in november. the medication she was on made her very loopy and forgetful. but when she saw me, her eyes lit up. she knew exactly who i was. i'll always remember that smile. she told me how beautiful i looked and wished me all the best.

the night of december 23 was a very bad night. she was very ill and did not sleep the entire night. on the afternoon of december 24, the nurses came in and said she was doing alright. she even ate more than she normally does. but as soon as the nurses left, my grandmother took a turn for the worst. within about an hour of me arriving home for the holidays, i took one last look at my grandmother and that was the end. it was sudden and nobody was prepared for it. the nurses didn't even believe it at first.

when it was all over, i took one final look at her, in bed, at peace. she did it on her own terms. she realized she finally needed help as she wasn't able to get out of bed on her own or walk without assistance. mentally, i think she knew it was time.

the funeral and church service are scheduled for monday morning. 

RIP Grandma
January 5, 1922 - December 24, 2014

thank you for everything.

the year everything ended in november

you might recall about a year ago, i was in a really bad place. i wrote countless blog posts about how everything in my life, including, well, me living a life, turned to absolute shit very quickly.

it was a combination of falling ill for 6+ months and losing my job where i wasn't sure things could get any worse. but let this be a lesson to everyone: the minute you think nothing is going to get worse from where you are, you're wrong. so very wrong. when you're ill for 6+ months, you pick up other sicknesses on the way and lose any and all hope you ever had that you were going to get better at some point. you lose track of who you are, physically and mentally. i got lucky that the severity of my symptoms were limited and that it was diagnosed and treated correctly the first time without my body rejecting the antibiotics. i got lucky that i had a strong family and friends base to keep me going. but it became arduous to keep on explaining to anyone who asked what was wrong with me. i wanted to believe it was something more than what the doctors kept telling me. how did everyone else get over this easily? why was it only me that had these issues? why was i the only one who needed to be hospitalized several times with no end in sight?

"why me?" was a phrase i uttered too many times during the course of treatment. nurses and doctors continued to greet me with looks of disappointment.  

"i thought i told you the last time you were here that i didn't want to see you again" i wish i had an answer. "

you might just have to be on antibiotic treatment for the rest of your life" were words that chill me to the bone to this day.

and maybe it was the stress of my job. or maybe it was that dude i was with awhile back i knew nothing about. maybe it's diet. maybe it's environmental factors. whatever it was, i wouldn't wish what i went through on anyone. i'd be a very happy girl if i never had to set foot in a doctor's office or hospital again.

a year ago, the life i had was taken from me abruptly and i was now bound to a life of "sorry, i can't hang out, i'm in the hospital". i'll always remember november 2013 of the worst month of my life up until that point.

but by january 2014, things began to change yet again. symptoms persisted and i knew i had to be strong. i was hired on at a job which i love, despite me not being able to make rent. i pressed on to events i wanted to go to and simpsons trivia nights that let us win first place a number of times. in july, i met a great dude who wasn't from the internet. yes, a real dude. and he's showing me what a real relationship is supposed to be like. it's amazing and only continues to get better as time goes on.

so, maybe things have to reach an all time low at some point before things ever start to get better. just try not to be deceived when what you think is the bottom ends up to be actually be further than you thought.

and i can't breathe deeply enough to fill me with every disappointment

i think everyone has that one album they listen to when life is both good and bad. it's your fallback. that one album that can give you the highest of highs but also make you feel as sad as you want to be, given the circumstances.

that band for me is misery signals and the album is of malice and the magnum heart. 

yes, it's screamy. yes, it's loud. yes, it's fantastic. but after every happy moment in my life and every disappointment, this album was here for me, ready to be played. every heartache. every fight. every wake up routine. every walk to a job interview. every exciting moment. and the few times i've been able to see misery signals live were incredible, minus the original members that made the actual album, as the band changed members continuously after the album.

so, when misery signals decided to do a 10 year anniversary reunion tour playing of malice and the magnum heart from start to finish, you can bet i was there that wonderful night at the opera house on august 23, 2014. and as the playlist went on and i fought back tears from all of those disappointing memories rushing back, i realized this album was the only album that got me through the last 10 years.

and i know i wasn't the only one who felt this way. a sold out crowd at the opera house could tell you the same thing. although i'd like to say that my life, moving forward, will no longer have any associated disappointment, at least i know i'll have a contingency plan that will keep me fighting the good fight.

this is not my favourite song but it shows just how amazing the band and the crowd was that night. listen to the full album of malice and the magnum heart here.