the other woman

when i saw you the other night, i wasn't sure how to react.

the days when we used to talk were the highlights of my life in a rough time. and you were there to make it better without ever actually being around. and i guess i was the same for you. there was always talk of moving forward, of taking things in a different direction, to a place where i wouldn't have to see you from across the room. i'd always be staring at half of your face, the back of your head, or if i was lucky, your ass. apparently, it was the same for you.

it was difficult for me to understand how we got along as well as we did without ever interacting face to face. it was difficult for me to understand why someone like you would want anything to do with me. it was difficult for me to understand why you said some of the things you said. and it was even more difficult for me to come to terms that, whatever it was we were doing, was only going to be that. those things you had talked about before and promised me were just a lie to get you off. and while i did come to terms with that earlier than you probably expected me to, part of me continued to hope that someday, we would. i wouldn't have agreed to be anyone else's other woman except for yours, and i meant that.

so, when i saw you the other night with some other girl hanging off your arm, i didn't know how to react. in fact, it's a fluke i even saw you. for some reason or another, i had an ache to look back. it's like i knew you were there, following me out of the bar. i know you saw me. you looked awkward for seeing me with another girl hanging off you, which i knew wasn't your girlfriend. was she the other, other woman? probably not. you had told me once that she gets drunk and hits on you. and for some reason, you just take it. you take it because it's available to you and familiar. you take it because it's nothing. you take it because you're unhappy with everything you do and everyone you're ever involved with. and i hate myself for knowing that i liked you because of those reasons.

but i didn't know what to do. there you were, with her, following me down the street, while i walked with one of the only dudes left in my life who is leaving me for the summer. part of me wanted to yell at you. part of me wanted to talk to you. part of me wanted to punch you. and part of me wanted to cry, just because that should have been me and never was. though you had this hold over me, you weren't worth any tears. at least i had that going for me.

i could've turned to my weekend boyfriend and grabbed his hand. i could've grabbed his face and madeout passionately in front of you. i could've done a lot of things, but instead, i did nothing. i continued to walk with my dude away from you and that's how it was always meant to be; me with someone who keeps things easy, and you, with someone you've been unhappy with for over a year but not willing to do anything about it.

and i could go on to blame this hold you had on me as to the reasons why building relationships with anyone over the past year had been so difficult for me. that measly shred of hope thinking that you'd come around someday made me miss out on several opportunities with dudes showing an interest in me. it's the reason why some things didn't evolve. it's the reason i declined others. it's the reason why so many of my romantic endeavors over the past year have been so fucked up.

i realized this long ago and had no idea how to get out of it until you presented an opportunity. there it was: something you did which warranted me to get really upset with you for the last time. no longer was i going to put up with your shit. and it was easy, like pulling off a band-aid. with just a few words, you were out of my life. and i was ready to focus on dudes that were real, rather than someone i'd see across a room and share awkward glances with.

when i turned around again, you were gone.

maybe i had imagined the entire thing. we'll never know for sure.

a life together

i once dated a dude who had his life together.

at the time, my life was far from together. all i remember thinking whenever we hung out was that i couldn't be with this dude because, well, he had his life together and i didn't. he had a steady job he liked. he had an income that allowed him to have a car in the city and live in a fancy apartment without struggling to pay his bills. and me? i was trying to figure life out as a starving post-grad living in the city for the first time. the kicker was that he didn't go to school and he was my age, yet had all of this, life togetherness, the thing i've been yearning for since birth, figured out already.

in conversations with friends, i'd mention how he wasn't the only dude i was dating at the time. but i'd also mention how different each of the dudes i was dating at the time were and how they each made me feel differently. i liked hanging out with him and the sex was incredible. but as time wore on, i had every excuse waiting for the inevitable ride home and not let him spend the night. where was this future going? is that what we were even doing? past relationships and the future of us were never discussed, but with him, i wasn't sure a future would even be possible. i couldn't understand what it was that kept him coming back to me. i was always available and yet, we still didn't even manage to hang as much as one would've thought since i started to lean away from him and into another dude where a future seemed more likely.

so when that other dude didn't end up the way it was meant to be, mr. life together was still hanging out, waiting for me. and as i was still picking up the pieces of myself, he sat me down for the first time and asked me where things were going. he talked to me about settling and i stared at him, nearly dropping my beer in disbelief. why now? why me? my life, at this time, was even less together than it ever was and he was willing to see past all of that. although he was not aware of my recent fall out with the other dude, (of which the two of them managed to meet once and i was essentially scared and couldn't stop grinning the entire time) he had no idea that i was not in any shape to settle down with anyone, even someone as loving and forgiving as he had been to me over the course of our dating life. i shook my head. i wouldn't and couldn't rebound into him. that wouldn't be fair to anyone involved.

the next time we hung out, i had no excuses to not bring him home with me. unfortunately, he did. and i couldn't even fight it. he had made his choice and i had made mine. what i didn't know then, was that dudes with their life together are uhh.. elusive and don't come around very often.

the irony of this story is that back when my life was an entire fuck up of epic proportions was also the time when i was at the peak of desirability.  my life (and me) needed saving and each of the dudes i had picked for that saving either made things better or worse, depending on the timing and situation. and now that i'm mildly self sufficient and have my life together? i don't need to be saved anymore, i just need someone around to open jars and reach items on the top shelf.

last year, i ran into mr. life together on two separate occasions where he was attending with his girlfriend but she wasn't with him when we exchanged pleasantries. unfortunately, i'm not a girl who waits around for dudes.

it wasn't me back then and it's not me now; i think i've come to terms with that.

but i'd probably throw that all away in a second for one more chance to hold his hand.